My name is Patricia Weerakoon, and I am a Christian sexologist. After 23 years in the University of Sydney, I retired from my academic position as director of a graduate program in sexual health to bring my twin passions together: God and Sex.
What better place to start than with sexual desire. Let’s look at a real life problem.
A letter from Harry, a 20-year-old single male: “I find it so hard to control my desires. I wish God would just take it away—at least till he sends me the girl I am to marry.”
What is sexual desire?
Sexual desire (sex drive, libido) is a testosterone fuelled drive deep in the emotional system of our brain. It is powered by a cocktail of neurochemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin). Sexual desire is a drive—an urge for sex. It is a fairly non-specific appetite, and we can appease it with a variety of sexual activities, from fantasy to intercourse and masturbation.
It kicks in at puberty. There’s no getting away from it. And, since the testosterone levels in boys are about ten times higher than girls, boys do have a higher sex drive.
This is the main reason Harry is all turned on: it’s biological.
In our teens and early twenties, we have a unique brain situation: bubbling sexuality with low control. This is because the cognitive decision making frontal and parietal cerebral cortex matures at a much slower rate than the emotional sexual parts of the brain. The control systems don’t complete till the mid-twenties. The teen brain is very much still under construction for adult life.
So 20-year-old Harry, like most other guys his age, struggles with this disjunction.
What turns our desire on?
Once testosterone sets the scene, the stimulus that turns on sexual desire varies from one individual to another. In the rapidly developing teen brain, stuff that is fed into it will determine what turns a person on sexually. The nerve cells at this age are in an active state of establishing connections, wiring and rewiring.
Pornography will set up Pornified circuits. In a young man it will lead to his seeing women as sexual commodities. Turned on by the super-sexualized images, his spiking desire will crave for the rapid and instant orgasmic high of masturbation. He has pushed down his still developing control mechanisms. A voluptuous body and the hint of lace lingerie send his desire chemicals raging. Maybe this is Harry?
Is it any wonder that the apostle Paul advises the Philippians (4:8): “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Harry would do well to follow this.
Why doesn’t God just ‘take it away’?
Sex and the sex drive (or desire) is part of our created body. In Genesis 1 and 2 we read that we humans are created male and female and together given the command to procreate and fill the earth. Procreation needs sexual intercourse. And sexual desire kicks off the sexual response of arousal and consummation.
We need sexual desire. God made it powerful for a purpose. Sexual desire will make Harry look for a woman whom he could marry in that wonderful one-flesh-naked-and-no-shame relationship (Genesis 2:24-25).
But sex comes with a handle-with-care warning. We are warned repeatedly by the lover in the Song of Songs (2:7; 3:5; 8:4), “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Watch out, she says, there is an appropriate time, place, and person. Harry needs to learn to control his sexual impulses till the appropriate time and place—marriage.
Marriage is the place for sexual intimacy. But we need to realize that marriage is more than sex. Marriage will bring a male and female into a relationship of one-flesh sexual intimacy; but sex as every other part of marriage will have thrilling highs and deep frustrating lows. Every couple needs to watch out for the temptation to idolize sex and marriage.
Waiting for a ‘soul mate’
Finally, Harry seems to be waiting for God to send him that special person to marry. The Bible gives us a couple of conditions for finding a marriage partner. Make sure your spouse is a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14), of the opposite sex, and not a close relative.
Finding someone sexually attractive is one motivation to marry them. It shouldn’t be the only motivation—it should be coordinated with other desires, like wanting to care for them and bring up a family with them. But sexual desire is part of the “package” that motivates us to seek marriage in general, and marriage to one person in particular.
Today’s society is highly sexual, but postpones marriage. Puberty’s happening earlier and earlier, marriage later and later. So there’s this long time gap of feeling desire and not being able to consummate it in marriage.
God calls us to surrender our desires. It’s part of building Christian character and walking by the Spirit. We should view the challenge of managing our sexual desires as an opportunity to develop godly, healthy character and habits that please God and our good for us and the people around us: love God and neighbor.
Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/14511253@N04/4411497087
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Patricia Weerakoon is a medical doctor turned Sexologist and Writer. She is an evangelical Christian. She is married to Vasantha. Her son Kamal is a Presbyterian minister. As a Sexologist she has translated her passion to bring good holistic sexual health to all people into practical sex education, sex research and sex therapy.
My child, be attentive to my wisdom;
incline your ear to my understanding,
2 so that you may hold on to prudence,
and your lips may guard knowledge.
3 For the lips of a loose* woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol.
6 She does not keep straight to the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
7 And now, my child,* listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8 Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house;
9 or you will give your honour to others, (Proverbs 5:1-9)
All I can honestly say is Lord helpbus all…..I’m n the same boat as some off the comments I’ve read. I continually deal with sexually thoughts and most off the time act on them, but not really wanting to and afterwards I’m feeling so weird. I try with with all my might to reframe from this type of actions but to a certain point I can not help it. I always pray before and after calling out to God to forgive my sins, knowing that I suffer the worse in this area. I know I need help so I have been calling on God, to this extent I do wish I was married at times just so this part of my life could be right…..however I’m not ashamed at all. Im glad I’m able to speak out we human and it’s somethings we go though in life that will always be out of control no matter how hard we try to deal with the issues of life… Let’s pray for each other…and hopefully well all b able to get some much needed help and closure from God sonwe all can be delivered in Jesus name. Amen
Plz tell me how to i control my sexual desire my desire is i do sex with lots of woman but it’s not so plz help me and tell me how to i control my sexual desire.
Hello, Deepak – do you want to stop? Then you’ll need to take some real steps to stop. Here’s an article that might help: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/02/07/am-i-a-sex-addict/
I am 35 single and have always waited for Gods will to happen and till date it has not happened. Till 2 years back was so controlled in my lust but am struggling now and starting to hate myself as am giving into my lust. I just dont know what to do. As much as I am asking God to take this away from me its not happening and as much as I am crying to God to send me the person to marry that is also not happening.I dont want to be like this but I just dont know how to control my urges when I feel I have never lived my life. Why is God not answering my prayers
Hi Lydia,
Well, your sexuality is part of what God created within you. Dealing with that in a healthy way is a challenge to every human being on earth. It also sounds like you’ve got some serious disappointments in other areas, and some real grief that you’re coping with. You might benefit from counseling at this point, to help you process those emotions and think about what a healthy, fulfilling life will look life for you even if you don’t get married. You might also appreciate some of the resources here.
Peace to you,
Kay
I am a woman way past menopause and have not dated men for years as am single and a Christian woman. I most recently got introduced to a single Christian man and just the mention of his name or thoughts of him, bring such high sexual passions to every part of my body, I just like I cannot get enough and I physically do not even see him face to face which is probably a good thing, but want to control these strong sensations but they are so strong. No matter what I do or am doing when I think of him, I just get so highly passionate all over. What to do as I do belong to God first???
Ive been reading these comments and they are a load of crap. Why would you punish yourself for how you feel? You cannot control your feelings but how you can control your actions. Stop looking towards religion to solve all your problems, you either will find peace or youll go crazy and blame god. I have not found peace in religion and i find most christians as stuck up people that get mad and say you have demons in you.
Hi,i’m linzy and 23 years old. For the past 8months i’ve been struggling with sexual sin.i’ve prayed and criedto God about it. Last 4months i messed up with my bf(we made out) and i told God it wouldnt happen again and i’v even told a brother about it and we’ve been praying about it. But for two weeks now i’ve been having strong sexual urges,so strong.i tried each yime to conquer it by reading the Bible and listening to gospels(i like Hillsong and Kim walker) but still! I’m a student and sadly i’ve lost focus. And something i didnt want to happen,happened again last night..i’ve fallen and i need help.i soo much dont want it to repeat . My boyfriend has lost his prayer life and now i feel God does not want me,i dont feel like reading the Bible and praying anymore. Today is sunday and i couldnt go because of what happened yesterday,i dont feel like going to church again. I feel like a hypocrite. We are Christians and i cant believe this is happening to us. It soo not me! The first time it happened i thought God was trying to teach me a lesson that its His grace not my strength that Has kept me from falling but now i think its my own foolishness! Right now i dont think i can talk to anyone about Christ because i think i dont even know Him myself(whoever the Son sets free is free)then why have fallen? I want a holy life!
Hello, Linzy – I apologize that it’s taken so long for a response. I sense the real pain and struggle in your words here. I want to start with a few things to put your heart and mind back into right thinking. The awesome power of Christ on the cross offered and accepted by you cannot be simply pushed to the side by your sinful choices. What Christ did was OVERCOME the power of sin and death for us because we are foolish. We desperately depend on the sufficiency of the cross in the midst of our foolishness. So, my first encouragement to you is to RUN to the foot of the cross. Right now. Regardless of the pit you feel like you are standing in, there is no pit so deep that it is beyond the AWESOME and forever powerful cross of Jesus Christ.
Keep reading your Bible. Keep praying. Keep running to Jesus. Keep sharing your struggle openly with a trusting friend or brother (as long as this person can hold you accountable). Make a firm decision that each day, you’re going to rededicate your thoughts and desires to Jesus. And, in moments of struggle, have a plan to FLEE (like Joseph did in Genesis – go read it! Good stuff). Your boyfriend should not be an enabler here. If he’s not leading you to the cross, then he’s leading you away, and is not worthy of your precious heart.
You ask a question at the end of your post. “Whoever the Son set free is free, then why have I fallen?” but I think you know the answer. Let’s be honest – God gave us sexual urges, but He also gave us loving boundaries where acting out on those urges works for our good (marriage). When we believe the lie that those loving boundaries aren’t good enough, we do things on our own! That’s sin at work. Yes, you are free to choose the freedom Christ has purchased for you (1 Corinthians 6:20), but you’re also free to choose the flesh. In those moments of temptation, you are choosing the flesh.
BUT, praise be to God that his mercy never runs out and the forgiveness and freedom purchased on the cross of Christ are inexhaustible! Embrace those truths. Meditate on them. Be free! And, more importantly, BELIEVE that you are free. This is the working out of your salvation – it takes determined practice and daily commitment, but I know you can do it.
Peace, Chris
My name is Stephenson & I’m 27 I’m a young Christian man who loves God alot but i have difficulties overcoming sexual desires, it stresses me out that sometimes I resort to masturbating where I feel so guilty after sometimes pornography. My gf & I decide to wait until marriage to have intercourse but being alone I’m attacked & even as a fairly successful individual young ladies are friends with me that later leads to an arousing of sexual feelings by sending me photos & stuff. I just be friendly but that sometimes leads to sexual thoughts. I dont wanna rush married just to have sex cuz I think of marriage beyond that seeing my parents has been married for 27 years. How can I avoid giving into or overcoming the feelings & arousals cuz I really don’t want to miss heaven because of lack of self controlling sexual desire.
Hello, Stephenson, it’s hard to admit what you’ve typed here, so first, I wanted to encourage you! It’s not easy to raise your hand and say, “I need some help!” So, you’ve done the first step, and now time for a second step. Can you find someone to hold you accountable? I sense that you truly do want to honor God with your thoughts, words, and actions. That’s hard to do all by yourself. I’ve not been successful in “solo” Christianity. In fact, I’m meeting with my accountability friend this Friday! I need another brother in Christ to look me in the eye, and call me “up” (not out) to who Christ desires me to be. Ephesians calls us to live as “children of light” because in the light, out in the open, with nothing to hide is such a refreshing place to be! But, the evil forces pressing against us lobby hard for secrets, darkness, pride, and solo Christianity. Evil almost always wins when those things are present. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, you’re absolutely right! I tried the alone approach for years. Think about it this way – when an army general encounters the enemy, and he calls in all of the troops, planes, bombs and guns and DEFEATS the enemy, they give him a medal for bringing everything to bear on that threat. Why do we think we can do it alone? Because when we believe that, the enemy wins. Let’s bring every asset we have to bear on the enemy working against us – prayer, Christ, community, the Word, BRING IT! I commend you for wanting to stay pure – it’s admirable. Maybe go read Psalm 119, especially verse 37, which might encourage you more. And, find that trusted partner! Another guy to walk with you.
Peace,
Chris
I have a problem. It’s not a problem I thought I’d have, and it’s not a problem that other people openly know about, so there’s little hope in being shamed out of it. Basically, it’s entirely in my head. and yet not. To be clear, I don’t lust over any particular man, anyone I know, physical characteristics, etc. I have regular, pretty much daily sex with my husband. I love him, I respect him, I admire him, and I enjoy our sex. I am very careful not to speak with other men or flirt, wear seductive clothing, whatnot – I am super, super conservative, though perhaps not to a fundamentalist extent.
At any rate, the problem is in my head, which I know from the Bible is just as bad. Namely, I have submission fantasies that, while I would never act out in person, are continually in my head. It’s hard to divorce “submission to my husband” from “submission to men” in general, and while I think I would have the strength of character to resist things of this nature in person, and while I don’t think I would ever act on it, I have this overhwhelming guilt that I crave to randomly submit in a whorish way to others when I have a perfectly good husband whom I love and want to honor as God intended me to. I’ve told him about my thoughts, and he’s said it doesn’t bother him as long as they stay in my head. But he doesn’t interpret things in the Bible as literally as I do, and, I really feel I am in the wrong. I also masturbate to these thoughts in the periods between the times we have sex. My husband’s libido used to be higher than mine but now with age is somewhat lower, and this gets especially bad when I am pregnant. For some reason when I am pregnant, the thoughts intensify to a crazy extent.
I don’t remember any childhood sexual abuse. I did discover porn magazines when I was fairly young – by a trash can at the park, but I only remember sadness looking at them, because they spoiled the image of a man loving one woman, and I didn’t understand why the men in the porn were being “bad” to the woman, and I remembered a repulsion to the pubic hair. I would say I had a healthy childish reaction of being disgusted, rather than attracted to things, so, I don’t know where this comes from. It doesn’t help that other people trivialize it and say “well everyone has fantasies.”
What am I supposed to do? As an aside, I am afraid to interact or having eye to eye conversations with men who are not my husband because I am terrified I might have a random attraction that would easily and readily be discernable in my eyes, and I feel for some reason that men can see what I am thinking, so I live now kind of like an antisocial hermit. I’m really not sure what I’m afraid of…that maybe one of them be insane and somehow recognize my desires and order me around or something and that I could actually commit in-the-flesh adultery on top of it; it sounds ridiculous writing that out, and I really am not a skank. I have not been with anyone but my husband since were were married and even before that, for maybe over a decade now so I can’t be this thing lacking self control.
Why do I have this fantasy? How can I divorce it from submission to my husband?
Hey there. You’re so brave! Thanks for sharing your story here. I’m a counselor, so what I’m going to say here is from that perspective.
The thing that really jumps out to me here is the shame that you feel around your sexuality. When we feel a lot of shame, our body chemicals get involved, and the shame-causing thoughts/behaviors end up getting “sticky” in our brains.
In my experience, shame over sexuality is a huge problem for many of us raised in the super super conservative world. And it’s a problem on a physical, chemical level.
When we attach shame to our sexuality, shame takes over, creates anxiety, and then you’ve got the perfect chemical storm going on in your body: sexual desire (normal, God-given) then SHAME AND ANXIETY, followed by a need to alleviate the pain, often with a secret, shame-inducing behavior, followed by more shame and anxiety, followed by a need to alleviate, followed by the behavior, followed by shame.
Another part of the chemical picture, you’ve already alluded to: I would say that hormones are a huge part of the picture while you’re pregnant. Also, many many women have a higher sex drive than their husbands, or those sex drives change over time. That is all just normal, but again so much shame gets attached especially for religious women.
If you could interrupt that shame cycle, you’d be golden. (I think this is true for men and women.)
This is where I think you need to listen to your husband! He sees your sexuality as normal (men are often given this message in conservative circles, and we women seriously need to get on board), and I think you ought to try moving in that direction as well. Probably going to be some hard work, as your ideas about sexuality are mixed up with highly conservative religious messages.
I hope you don’t see that as trivializing. I really do think that shame is the problem here.
I think could be helpful to step back a bit from the thoughts. When they happen, breathe deeply, in and out, as slowly as you can. Instead of diving into shame and anxiety when they appear, employ some gentle curiosity about those thoughts. What’s happening in your world when they occur? How is your body feeling at the time? Is there any trigger, any outside anxiety, anything painful or difficult that might be making those thoughts a welcome distraction at the time? Is shame from previous episodes triggering your current need to alleviate pain?
GENTLE CURIOSITY. See what’s going on inside of you. Listen. You might want to start journaling, 20 minutes per day (that’s the research number!), so you can think about these things BEFORE the shame/anxiety kick in. You could process through recent experiences with those same questions above when you aren’t in the heat of the moment.
Then decide what you want to do with the information you uncover.
If you want to interrupt the cycle, you might choose another activity that’s soothing to your body instead. Yoga is a great, research-proven tool for anxiety. Of course, if you’re really conservative, I realize suggesting yoga might cause you anxiety! :) But you maybe it would be less disturbing to you than what’s happening currently? I love Yoga With Adriene on YouTube, and her 20-minute anxiety episode is my absolute favorite.
One of the best ways to interrupt the shame cycle is to talk it out with someone who accepts you as you are, and helps you work toward the goals you’ve identified. A therapist is a really good option. You might check for someone who’s experienced in helping women with sexual issues.
I hope that helps!
Peace to you, Kay
Much, much praise for this your site. Also, much praise for the love of God that so many have mentioned. God loves us so much. Each of us who have asked Him to come into our lives and to be with us, are, amidst the many struggles of many forms and sometimes puzzling circumstances, are ever so often reminded that He loves us. Of course many could give many verses to substantiate this, but I am, as so often driven back to that blessed verse that so many of us have, again, even amongst the struggles, turned to, John 3:16, “For God LOVED the world so much that He gave His only son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.” (John 3:16). WOW, isn’t that so wonderful. For the so many who have reminded us of the love of God, through our struggles, thank you. As simple as it may sound, I believe that if we, in the spiritual self, endeavour to 1 John 4:19 “We love Him, because He first loved us,” He will grant to us HIS LOVE PEACE & GRACE, to accept that through all of our struggles, HE (NOT US) will be successful in us (lets us remember, He owns us, not we own Him – again John 3:16.). OH, MY, I know this sounds so simple. And may seem simple in God’s view, but not ours. For us it is hard, like it was for the apostle Paul who said, 2 Cor. 10:3 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh.” When God thinks well of a person, WHICH HE DOES (John 3:16), that is what matters!!! 2 Cor. 10: 17, 18: “Whoever wants to boast must boast about what the Lord has done. For it is when the Lord thinks well of a person (which He does – “For God so LOVED the world ….” John 3:16) that he is really approved, and not when the thinks well of himself.” Hey, dear brothers and sisters, we cannot do it on our own. One of the most precious things in all of God’s glory was that He GAVE to make us what He wants. Please allow me to encourage you to yield to HIM (ie, not after your own fashion) to make you, what He wants. And, by the way, He will not fail. You can fail but He won’t, and it’s Him who eternally matters. Why? Easy answer, “Because we cannot do it in the natural flesh.” We are saved by His giving of Himself (natural flesh for spiritual purposes.) As hard as we sometimes try, we cannot boast of ourselves. We must BOAST in him, our replacement. And, again, by the was, the devil has NO authority over you. The Apostle Paul said “… nothing can separate us from his love: neither death nor life, neither angels mnor other heavenly rulers of powers, neither thye present nor the future, neither the world above of the world below-there is nothling in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Rom. 8:38,39). BOAST in God. Don’t run into the danger of trying to say, “I can make it on my own.” No YOU/WE can’t, but yes, HE can. God bless you, brothers and sisters in the Lord, children of the King “Some received and believed in Him, so He gave them the right to become God’s children.” (John 1:12.) We are His.