My name is Patricia Weerakoon, and I am a Christian sexologist. After 23 years in the University of Sydney, I retired from my academic position as director of a graduate program in sexual health to bring my twin passions together: God and Sex.
What better place to start than with sexual desire. Let’s look at a real life problem.
A letter from Harry, a 20-year-old single male: “I find it so hard to control my desires. I wish God would just take it away—at least till he sends me the girl I am to marry.”
What is sexual desire?
Sexual desire (sex drive, libido) is a testosterone fuelled drive deep in the emotional system of our brain. It is powered by a cocktail of neurochemicals (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin). Sexual desire is a drive—an urge for sex. It is a fairly non-specific appetite, and we can appease it with a variety of sexual activities, from fantasy to intercourse and masturbation.
It kicks in at puberty. There’s no getting away from it. And, since the testosterone levels in boys are about ten times higher than girls, boys do have a higher sex drive.
This is the main reason Harry is all turned on: it’s biological.
In our teens and early twenties, we have a unique brain situation: bubbling sexuality with low control. This is because the cognitive decision making frontal and parietal cerebral cortex matures at a much slower rate than the emotional sexual parts of the brain. The control systems don’t complete till the mid-twenties. The teen brain is very much still under construction for adult life.
So 20-year-old Harry, like most other guys his age, struggles with this disjunction.
What turns our desire on?
Once testosterone sets the scene, the stimulus that turns on sexual desire varies from one individual to another. In the rapidly developing teen brain, stuff that is fed into it will determine what turns a person on sexually. The nerve cells at this age are in an active state of establishing connections, wiring and rewiring.
Pornography will set up Pornified circuits. In a young man it will lead to his seeing women as sexual commodities. Turned on by the super-sexualized images, his spiking desire will crave for the rapid and instant orgasmic high of masturbation. He has pushed down his still developing control mechanisms. A voluptuous body and the hint of lace lingerie send his desire chemicals raging. Maybe this is Harry?
Is it any wonder that the apostle Paul advises the Philippians (4:8): “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Harry would do well to follow this.
Why doesn’t God just ‘take it away’?
Sex and the sex drive (or desire) is part of our created body. In Genesis 1 and 2 we read that we humans are created male and female and together given the command to procreate and fill the earth. Procreation needs sexual intercourse. And sexual desire kicks off the sexual response of arousal and consummation.
We need sexual desire. God made it powerful for a purpose. Sexual desire will make Harry look for a woman whom he could marry in that wonderful one-flesh-naked-and-no-shame relationship (Genesis 2:24-25).
But sex comes with a handle-with-care warning. We are warned repeatedly by the lover in the Song of Songs (2:7; 3:5; 8:4), “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Watch out, she says, there is an appropriate time, place, and person. Harry needs to learn to control his sexual impulses till the appropriate time and place—marriage.
Marriage is the place for sexual intimacy. But we need to realize that marriage is more than sex. Marriage will bring a male and female into a relationship of one-flesh sexual intimacy; but sex as every other part of marriage will have thrilling highs and deep frustrating lows. Every couple needs to watch out for the temptation to idolize sex and marriage.
Waiting for a ‘soul mate’
Finally, Harry seems to be waiting for God to send him that special person to marry. The Bible gives us a couple of conditions for finding a marriage partner. Make sure your spouse is a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14), of the opposite sex, and not a close relative.
Finding someone sexually attractive is one motivation to marry them. It shouldn’t be the only motivation—it should be coordinated with other desires, like wanting to care for them and bring up a family with them. But sexual desire is part of the “package” that motivates us to seek marriage in general, and marriage to one person in particular.
Today’s society is highly sexual, but postpones marriage. Puberty’s happening earlier and earlier, marriage later and later. So there’s this long time gap of feeling desire and not being able to consummate it in marriage.
God calls us to surrender our desires. It’s part of building Christian character and walking by the Spirit. We should view the challenge of managing our sexual desires as an opportunity to develop godly, healthy character and habits that please God and our good for us and the people around us: love God and neighbor.
Photo credit: flickr.com/photos/14511253@N04/4411497087
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Patricia Weerakoon is a medical doctor turned Sexologist and Writer. She is an evangelical Christian. She is married to Vasantha. Her son Kamal is a Presbyterian minister. As a Sexologist she has translated her passion to bring good holistic sexual health to all people into practical sex education, sex research and sex therapy.
It sometimes may appear that got does not answer us in our need t take away our temptations. We are warned by the apostles . We are also told to persevere and yes God himself will take away our tempting by providing a way of escape. So, escaping the clutches of satan, who himself knows the workings of this fleshly body , also knows us and what we are capable of for good and bad. But I am convinced , if I fall I must get up and persevere. We know sexual immorality is wrong. But God is faithful,yes even when we fall. You walk away from your old life so what are doing when fall. We know now Jesus and that he too went through the same temptations, so the bible tells us anyway. We are not struggling with flesh and blood but with principalities we don’t full comprehend. So I suppose what I am saying is this, resist, but lays get up confess and he is faithful and will forgive. Don’t get too caught up there are many other things we ought to be doing like adding goodness to your faith, then knowledge of God, self control, perseverance, mutual affection and then of course love. Apologies if I missed one . Do not let the evil one distract you from finishing the race. He is great at this. Do not let him, convince you to walk away. You are loved by God as much know as he as always love you,and he is not about to abandon you. If you believe satans lies then you do not believe good. Who is the author of lies, satan is. Who is the author of truth God is. Sorry if I’ve ranted on, oh yes my apologies for any grammar mistakes.
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I am 74 married and have a habbit of masturbating sometimes several times a day I feel terrible after but can’t stop playing with myself.I was molested as a young boy by an uncle and an aunt at separate times.I am born again. This desire is terrible.this started some 20 years ago.
Hi Johnnie, I’m sorry you are struggling. I truly am. I don’t know much about your life, but I wonder how you might redirect some of this “energy” you have towards masturbating.
I also wonder about accountability and whether it’s something you’ve tried. I wonder if you’ve engaged prayer and Scripture into the battle, crying out to a God who has never left your side.
I wish I knew the reasons why God allows certain struggles to linger. His timing is stinking confusing sometimes, if I can be so bold to say it that way. I wonder what the struggle is teaching you? My struggles typically point to something “else.”
Have you received any professional counseling for what you dealt with as a child?
Just some questions and thoughts that come to mind as I’m reading and thinking about your post. God is for you, Johnnie. I sincerely hope (and will pray when I finish typing) that you will experience Him fresh.
Peace, Chris (Covenant Eyes)
When I was 4-6 years old, I had discovered that physical touch stimulated my body. I continued to do this until I found a magazine. My little eyes bugged out of my head, soon I was hooked. Even though I was a virgin all the way up to age 17, I did have an opportunity to lose my virginity to another virgin. I’m not saying that was noble as we both weren’t married to each other. The whole relationship was teen hormone based. My severe addiction to porn then came out. I craved it more and more, but to no avail, I never slept with another girl until I was 18. Anytime I didn’t have a girl, I would turn back to pornography. After a debilitating heartbreak, I found something that would intensify my sexual cravings. Drugs and alcohol mixed with women and porn. I carried this into my marriage. I had found God at an early age. I knew he existed, I just didn’t have a relationship with him. However, I did suppress pornography, drugs, alcohol, and things that destroyed my body for a short while. I then got introduced back into pornography by a buddy. I did what was normal. I turned away. Then I looked back. Like a harsh wind that topples a tree, I was viciously excited. I thought I had it bad when I was addicted to drugs. Throughout my marriage, just after our 6th wedding anniversary, I acted out. Some people go through an instant high doing so. Mine was the complete opposite. Afterward, I went through a different kind of pain. So much so, I had contimplated suicide. Obviously, I’m alive. After seeking God and going through a life changing rebirth, I renewed my marriage to my wife and am a reborn christian, not to mention, now the most happiest I’ve ever been I try to outreach to struggling men. Just because we are(reborn)christian does NOT mean we will never be tempted. I fight daily. Some are struggles, others are victorious. “We are MORE THAN CONQUERERS…”(Romans 8:37) “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye have peace. In the world, ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” -Jesus of Nazareth, The Mighty Son of God. (John 16:33 KJV) Many blessings to all men who seek God. I pray for the sons and daughters will be called back to love and to the One who first loved. I love you brothers!! Fight this battle until you die, God will honor those who fight in his name. “3 For though we walk in the flesh , we do not war after the flesh: 4 (For the WEAPONS of our WARFARE are NOT carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; ) ( 2 Corinthians 10: 3-4)
Daniel, praise the God of restoration and redemption that you have turned back to Him. Your story matters! I hope it’s a light to many who are struggling. Peace, Chris (Covenant Eyes)
What are your supposed to do when you have social anxiety as a christian and extremely addicted to porn….and do it because your afraid from social anxiety to even meet a girl and dont even work due to it too… I’m suffering very badly with this….
Hi Jake, are you seeking any professional help for the anxiety?
Well, I’d recommend accountability don’t want to note the obvious, and if you have social anxiety it’ll have to be someone real close. Now I myself am an introvert, I really hate meeting new people, talking with people I really don’t know, or talking on the phone.
I especially don’t like talking to ladies, I feel uncomfortable so I’m probably in the same boat you are as far as that goes.
I’m not saying you have to develop an outgoing personality, that’s not what I’m saying at all, just find someone you trust to help you, perhaps your pastor, or just a close friend that is godly and tell them about your situation, a true Christian will help you.
It’ll take courage yes, but only the fearful can be courageous, those who don’t fear can’t be courageous, so pray, perhaps for extended periods 30m-1h and ask God to fill you with His Spirit. God bless.
Jake, you need deliverance. Find a deliverance minister and get some prayer. You are bound by the devil. You have a stronghold that needs prayer. Be blessed.
if god wont take mine away i would hapilly go for castration to remove this evil from my ody..ive been suffering long enough for women abd girls..no matter how hard i try..i end up falling..i wish for a girlfriend but it would make things worse so im single..i want god to make me untouchable and pure against from adultery and sickly peverted thoughts..how???? im confused..il do castration mechanically by doctors to rid me of such filth i live with
Steve, when you say “no matter how hard I try,” what steps have you taken? Have you ever found accountability? Here’s a video to encourage you. God IS for you! Do not be afraid and claim victory, my friend! One day at a time.
Chris
Deliverance from sex demons is very helpful, but they will try to return
Dearest Lonely Virgin
Do you think that God doesn’t know you inside and out? He is aware of your hopes, dreams and desires (Psalm 123). Yes, a spouse or boyfriend/ girlfriend can bring you happiness, but only God can bring you true joy ( 2 Corinthians 6:10). I hope and pray you’ll find rest in the Lord, knowing that he has amazing plans for your life. I too am waiting for God to bring me a husband but while I wait I trust Him and do the work He set out for me. I’m praying for you.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate so bear with me. I bet others have thought this question too. I always hear about “wait until you are married to have sex” but my response is what if nobody wants to marry you? I guess you grow old and lonely and die a virgin? Sorry but God is not obligatated to give you a spouse just because you’re a lonely geek,nerd or unattractive guy/girl. I bet there where many Christians virgins who grew old and went to their graves a virgin and don’t forget there is no sex in heaven or marriage!
This is only partially related to the topic, so forgive me if this deviates too much, but testosterone is not the only thing that makes people sexual. Estrogen does that in females, which is why having much less testosterone doesn’t make them any less sexual; it’s very common for females to talk about how attractive they think some males are, and there’s the problem a lot of couples have when the man in a marriage is not in the mood for sex as often as the woman. When women experience menopause, their libido gets weaker because of lower amounts of estrogen. They lose testosterone at a lower rate, which is why it’s unlikely that the more prominently male hormone is the sole source of sexual desire. http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/estrogen-plays-key-role-revving-women-sex-drives-study-article-1.1330163
@Eric Breaux thank you for the clarifying information.
I am married for last 19 yrs and have children. I am sexually very active but my wife has no interest. She was operated for overies removal and uterus some 5 yra back. I am very.much depreseed and unable to concentrate on my job or new projects. I do not want to do adultery or sin. What is God’s plan in my life. I am deprieved of any sexual activity. Please guide me.
Hello Varghese K.A., it is very difficult to be in a situation where there is a significant difference in the sexual drives between spouses. Can I offer a couple of thoughts?
First, how much have you talked about this with your spouse? Being very honest with her about how you’re feeling. Not just about the sex, but that the lack of intimacy is tough, and are there any options she might consider. Of course, saying all of this with much understanding towards her feelings and praying for the right opportunity to have the conversation.
Second, it sounds like you see sex as a “right” within your marriage. Ideally, it works in a mutual way, where spouses work together to make sure each other’s needs are met, but there are seasons where this does not happen. For many years, I bought into the lie that I am a sexual being, and therefore I am entitled to a certain amount of sex in marriage. Recently, a very wise counselor corrected this for me – instead, she told me that we are created to be spiritual beings, not sexual beings. Spiritual intimacy with the Holy Spirit provides far greater satisfaction. What if you focused more on the spiritual instead of the sexual? I have prayed for you this morning.
Peace, Chris
Hello.
I apologise in advance, because I cannot guide you. Only God can do that. However, I can offer some perspective.
I am only aware of what you have mentioned above, and see nothing that indicates that you have spoken in depth to your wife about this, or that you have talked out loud to God, laying out every reason and detail and disappointment. Often God will make you realise the key problem and solution once you say the words out loud and hear them spoken with composure and coherence.
One thing I’d like to advise is to realise that God calls you to be honest, loving, understanding, patient, and all those wonderful qualities that are outlined as being the fruit of true, godly love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)).
Never underestimate the power of your wife to understand, or your capacity to be understanding of her situation. Is sex all about being red hot for one another? NO! It most certainly isn’t. Sex is an agreement between you and your spouse, it is an action to show love and compassion, to say ‘I am here for you, and I will listen to what you wish to say’.
Does she owe you sex? No, no she does not.
Do you owe her full complacency? No, you do not.
God does not call her to be your sex slave, or for you to be her doormat, but he calls you to LOVE her, and for her to RESPECT you.
Ephesians 5:
“Instructions for Christian Households
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
So love her, treat her with massages, hold her close when she seems upset, be gentle, and lastly show her how much you love her. Does she seem tired after doing the dishes, the washing, vacuuming, constantly solving the children’s problems? Yes? Then help her by doing some of the work, and she will RESPECT YOU FOR IT.
Make an effort also to know why her body isn’t up for it. If she is saying no, then please respect that!
Make an effort to understand precisely why she is saying no, and fix the problem.
I hope this helps you, and please, read through the 1 Corintians verses I mentioned, they will help massively.
May God provide you with clarity.
-Anon
An addicted person with an compulsive desire to experience sex as if the most sweetest earthly pleasure, like a dry man in desert panting for cool waters. This is also my condition even though at present I am trying to live a Christian life. Carnal passions rippled through my being ever since as a child, maybe some of it we inherit from our own parents and grandparents genetically. Right from ages 5 to even right after my teens, I found myself always being molested by various people, cousins, uncles, relatives and even unknown strangers. From ages 12 onwards I was a compulsive sex stimulant seeker by way of juicy amorous literature, I would do anything to get it, even beg from the vendor if I had less money. Then, came cinemas, and later afterwards in life, came pictures and perverted videos, for which I would travel even miles by train or bus and walk and search along streets. Thus, I spoiled all my educative life, and now, living a below-average financial life. I can understand the high intensity of the power of sex passion. Even though I dedicated myself to Christ, I still struggle. To a large extent, I could control myself after marriage, but after while (about 5 years or so), occasionally (once in 6 months), I drift to this past behaviour where I find myself with a deep inner hunger for a deep sexual stimulation. I am now past 50 years, but still struggle. Since a teenager I sought advice and help, counselling, etc, but no much avail. I got many advices, homeopathic medications, etc. I am asked to not to focus much on this behaviour, but to get involved in some selfless activities. This is God’s way of controlling one’s pride, I am forced to conclude now. So, I am typing this while I am in the midst of a similar attack of wanting this so badly, no matter the source. I hope as I express myself here, my desires may become a bit less, as I have had no real friends or any social life to interact with since 12 years, ever since I got married and left everyone in my homeland to a far-off unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.
Hi Leslie. If you suffered sexual abuse as a child, that was not the result of your carnal passions. That was the result of other people’s terrible choices. The story that you’ve shared here of abuse, creating early sexualization is really common. It’s heart-breaking, but very normal for the awful experiences you endured. After so much trauma, I would expect you to continue to have difficulties like you’ve described. Your body was traumatized for many years, and that trauma continues to manifest itself in various ways. The isolation that you mention at the end of your comment is another difficulty in your particular situation. As a therapist, I am convinced that we get hurt in relationships, and we get healed in relationships. When we are hurting and unable to connect with healing relationships, that adds more pain to the situation and slows the healing process. I wonder if you could find a community online? Here is a link to resources for women to struggle with porn. You might also like to check into the online groups at xxxChurch. Blessings on your healing journey. Kay