I was standing in line at my local grocery store when an obnoxious magazine caught my eye. I’m used to seeing half-naked women on the cover of tabloids, but this image seemed even too edgy for a tabloid.
A small wave of anger rushed over me as I thought of the innocent children and husbands who were being exposed to this, as I call it, “tabloid porn.” As I tried to refocus my thinking on something more positive, a middle aged couple got in line behind me.
I watched in curiosity as the wife reached over and selected that magazine off the rack. I watched even more curiously to see what she would do with it. To my shock, the wife held that magazine cover up to her husband’s face and said, “Wow, wish I had a body like that!”
Her husband chuckled as he happily perused the cover until she removed it.
I quickly glanced forward, realizing I had been staring. I tried to wrap my head around what I just saw. “Why would a wife want to intentionally show her husband a partially naked woman?” “Why would a wife want to help her husband peruse another woman?”
As I thought about that puzzling scene over the next few days, I began to wonder…maybe that wife didn’t understand the value of sexual purity in her marriage. Or maybe that wife was clueless about lust and temptation. Or maybe she wanted to prove her “security” by appearing non-jealous. I don’t know.
I’ll never know what that wife was thinking, but I do know this—she didn’t seem one bit concerned with placing a direct sexual temptation in her husband’s face.
That, right there, is a big problem.
Sexual temptations bombard our husbands on a daily basis and they don’t need us adding to the struggle.
Unfortunately, I don’t think we, as Christian women, fully understand that. I’ve been guilty of this, and I’ve seen many other Christian women who have been too.
For example, I was over at a Christian family’s house several years ago when I noticed a provocative CD cover on their living room shelf. The CD featured a totally nude image of the backside of a female. I learned later that the CD was the wife’s. I’m guessing that wife was unaware of how sexually tempting and unhelpful that image would be for her husband.
Another time I was staying overnight in the home of a Christian family. The wife was involved in ministry and the husband was the associate pastor of their large church. While using their bathroom, I noticed a pile of tabloids next to the toilet. Half-naked women filled these magazines as I quickly glanced through one. I’m positive they were the wife’s, and I’m also positive she had no idea how tempting they could be for her husband.
Another time I was over at a friend’s house for a casual lunch get-together. She had the TV running in the background with one of those reality supermodel shows on. Her husband was walking back and forth doing house projects. When the commercials weren’t playing, the TV was filled with half-naked bodies of models doing sensual photo shoots. This wife seemed unfazed by the amount of nudity and skin blaring on her TV. I’m guessing she had no idea how tempting they could be for her husband.
All of these Christian wives were unknowingly tempting their husbands towards lust. They weren’t doing it on purpose; they were simply naive. They were bringing immodest, sexualized, and sensual women into their homes and family without even thinking about it. As I’ve learned from my husband over the years, this does not aid him (or any man) in fighting against lust.
To all of my fellow wives out there: Whether you realize it or not, your man has to fight against lust every time he walks out the front door or turns on his Internet browser. Sexulized billboards, raunchy magazines, immodest women walking by, and pornographic pop-up ads attack him on a regular basis. The amount of sexual temptations your husband faces on a daily basis is unreal.
Let’s not make it any harder on him than it already is. Whether he asks you for it or not, there are a lot of things you can do to help him fight the battle.
Here are some things I’ve done over the years that my husband really appreciates:
- I sort the mail and throw away the immodest/sensual ads so he doesn’t have to see them.
- I don’t ask my husband to watch movies with me that have immodest women in them (i.e. most chick flicks).
- I intentionally leave all magazines, books, etc. out of my home that have immodest/sensual images or ads in them.
- If I know a certain restaurant has immodest waitresses, I don’t suggest eating there.
- I don’t ever take my husband into a lingerie store. I’ve seen many wives do this, and from what I hear, it’s not helpful for the men.
I know these things may sound extreme to some of you and I understand why. It’s not normal. However, the way my husband and I see it, it takes extreme measures to fight for purity in our modern sexualized culture. We’re both committed to helping each other out and doing whatever we can to fight for purity.
Purity is extremely important for maintaining a strong foundation in any marriage. As Christian women, I pray we will all see the value of fighting for our men by making the necessary sacrifices to help him succeed.
I’d love to hear from you on this topic. How do you (whether a husband or a wife) help your spouse fight for purity?
Great article Kristen. Your doing a great thing for your husband, all Christian wives should do the same God bless you.
Just seeing all this for the first time and I just want to thank Kay Bruner for the boldness and wisdom she has shared here.
Don’t mean any offense but this is a bit legalistic. Our understanding of what lust is has been misinformed by a combination of Manichean Gnosticism and modern feminism. Jesus never said it was wrong for a man to “lust” after another woman in the contemporary American sense of admiring her beauty. The Bible has been mistranslated! Jesus told men not to COVET after another man’s wife… this means not to plan to commit adultery, to be content with your own spouse, and not to make an idol out of a woman’s beauty. But it is not condemning men and women acting out their natural, God-given desire to admire the opposite sex. Moses tells us that Rachel was “fair to look upon,” and the Song of Solomon is a book of erotica, teaching us that God is pro-sex. Are you going to tell me it’s a sin to imagine what the woman in that book looked like, when her physical characteristics are described? My wife likes to look at good looking men on TV like Jim Cantore or David Tennant. Should I get jealous? Should I be worried that my wife has some kind of problem? Of course not!! I thank God my wife is a normal heterosexual woman with a healthy sex drive. I recommend you check out godrules.com. Anthony Woodcock has done extensive work looking at the Greek and Hebrew and trying to understand we the Bible really says about lust.
Hi Brian, godrules.net provides an extensive list of concordance references for lust in the Bible that are very good. Looking at the totality of Scripture, and all of the brilliant, God-ordained minds that have studied the Greek and Hebrew, I think it would be difficult to find more than a few who would conclude that “lust” and “admire” are synonymous in any way. The way I read the Genesis reference to Rachel’s beauty in 29:17 is that the writer was telling us what Jacob sees. As an unmarried man, it seems appropriate that he could make this assessment of a woman without sin. I’m definitely not trying to play the role of “thought police” in trying to determine where in the progression of thinking crosses over from “just a thought” to “sinful desire”. I also think being married comes to bear on my thoughts in a different way than if I am unmarried and searching for a spouse. Do you agree with that? Again, not trying to be legalistic and extrapolate my tendencies to everyone, but because of the darkness of my own heart (Jeremiah 17:9) and my tendency to allow potentially impure thoughts to spiral out of control, I just find it better to avoid that kind of “admiration”. It might not be full-blown lust, but I’ve found that any admiration of beauty has the potential to lead me astray. It’s on the same path, and I can see lust a few steps ahead of me.
Peace, Chris
Admiring someone’s body has nothing to do with their beauty. Looking at breasts, butts and vaginas has nothing to do with admiring someone’s beauty though I do believe that this is wrong. You cannot be serious.
Seems like you may be wishing to excuse your lust… you see for woman they aren’t sexually driven by looks but rather by emotional needs met. So if I as a wife had an emotional attachment to another man and still had empty sex with my husband it’s equal to your lust and empty sex with your wife.
THANK YOU! Someone actually has read the Scriptures and a concordance! People love their legalism here.
Sorry Kay, I don’t appreciate your tone in this article. Like women need to mother their husbands so they don’t lust. Like men are constantly roaming around like hungry dogs waiting for some image to devour. Men are meant to be married & captivated by their wives only. Your article only serves to encourage them this is impossible.
It is impossible. Please give examples of married men “captivated” only by their wives?? Let’s just be realistic. I am married. This is impossible. They don’t have to wait around for it when it is everywhere. So yes I believe men are open to wanting other women and when they see such things they eat it up like hungry wolves who have never seen a woman before.
Hey April. I think that our culture teaches all of us to objectify one another, and that leads to real problems in relationship. I personally don’t care for this “totally captivated” idea either! It feels kind of weirdly obsessive to me. I really like what The Gottman Institute has to say about relationships, though. I don’t know if you’re familiar with their work? It’s all research, really well done, that helps focus on what really, truly helps couples be successful in relationship. They’re non-religious, and used to promote the use of porn for better sex, but recently came out against porn, having seen in their research the harm done to relationships. I found that really interesting. Peace, Kay
GREAT article! I am saddened with how naiive some women are. My blood gets hot when I get to the registers at a store. Our commissary is awful, and I even wrote to DECA asking to remove cosmo and a few others from the checkout line. They responded by saying these magazines have been APPROVED to be in checkout lines (out of about 60 magazines), and there is nothing that can be done. :-( I am heartbroken that my precious children, my husband, and myself have to be subjected to soft porn every time we want to buy groceries. A few years ago a Walmart started keeping sports illustrated swimsuit magazines at the checkout. I talked to a manager about it and thankfully they stopped keeping them there! I so badly wish more changes can be made. Maybe one day…
Meanwhile, we can teach our children that every person is precious and created in the image of God. We might not agree with what they wear, but every person is valuable and none of them are to be treated as objects or body parts. Instead of seeing what people are doing wrong and pointing that out, we can always remind ourselves and others that God loves us all.
I have to say that thus far we have not been winning this battle in my marriage. Though my husband is seeking help, as am I also. Porn tearing families apart is real. I agree with the author about the magazines being at the checkout. Even if I don’t worry about it for my husband, I most certainly am worried about it for my children. My husband has issues due to the things he saw as a child, which were never dealt with. I take issue of society at large trying to ‘tell’ my children what is beautiful and normal. One day, while shopping at Walmart, they had moved their poster display to the checkouts! I avoid that area of the store for a reason, and they went and moved it up front. A larger than life, totally inappropriate poster at face level of my kids! So I went to the manager and told him I expected more than that, and I told him that having magazines there were bad enough, though I could turn them around, but this poster display (which was held up by a very large box of rolled posters that you could buy, and not conducive to just turning them around) was something that no child should be subject to and that I told him to please move them back to where they belonged. A few days later when I was back to grab something, it had been moved. I made sure to ask for the manager and thank him for moving the display.
As for the images in my home. Well, no amount of removing, or filters worked with my husband. He still found a way. Like some said, it is a problem of the heart and no amount of ‘cover up’ will make it go away. However, that being said, I think that both parties have a responsibility. I see it as my work to keep images out, and to wear modest clothing, and I see it as my husband’s work to steer clear of the things that I can’t take care of. But I assure you any man with a history of porn use could be deserted on a desert island and still be lusting, as he has imbibed images that he can recall for later use.
Keep up the good fight!
Blessings,
Kerri
Hey Kerri. I do hope your husband can get down into the heart issues. Has he read Surfing for God? That’s a title that my husband found especially helpful. Ultimately, it does become their own responsibility to manage how their minds work, but it can be done. Recovery absolutely is possible! Blessings, Kay
Or maybe – maybe – that woman and her husband are actually comfortable in their own skins. There are people in the world who are attractie. That’s just reality. It is not avoidable. You needto learn how to deal with the existence of physical beauty without freaking out. Honestly, you’re doing a massive disservice to both yourself and your husband with your ridiculous overreaction. You are the one who is sexualising everything, at the same time as you infantilise your husband. I am not suggesting you have to allow pornography into your home, or even buy gossip magazines (I have other problems with the way they tend to demean women), but stop being so paranoid about the fact that there are other people in existence who your husband might find aesthetically pleasing. You are making things worse. You are not helping him learn maturity, you are not helping him to see women as individual people who are more than their appearance. In fact, you’re doing the exact opposite – while proclaiming how much you hate a sexualised culture, you are reducing many if not most women to purely sexual objects. This is a massive problem. You need to stop it, and you need to stop telling other women and girls to indulge your ridiculous hang-ups.
Hi Pam, I appreciate the points you’ve made here about how women get drawn into the trap of sexualizing everything. I think that is a real problem with “purity culture”–in the process of trying to make things “pure” we can end up making everything sexual and objectifying women further in the process. And I think you are right that when we take responsibility for the behavior of our spouses, that will not lead to maturity on their part. True maturity comes when we are able to be responsible each for ourselves. Thanks for making these important points. Kay
Wow, Kristen writes an article describing ways she helps her husband fight for purity. At the end, she asks a question, “How do you help your spouse fight for purity?” and this is what she gets. People up in arms over this issue. Well, I don’t see her telling others what they are supposed to do. I see her sharing what she and her husband do to fight for purity. This is how it should be: husbands and wives supporting each other and helping each other to be pure. It’s really a team effort when it comes to how sexualized are society is. Nothing she said is extreme when it is compared to a holy God who wants us to focus our sexuality on our spouse and no one else. The above comments seem very condemning to someone who is in agreement with their spouse on what should and shouldn’t be in their home. Especially when her husband appreciates it as she states in her writing. I hope Kristen can let the condemning comments above roll off her and not discourage her.
By the way, my wife and I have the same basic standards in our home and I appreciate the fact that she does this. She is not responsible for me but she does play a role in influencing purity in our home. No doubt many Christians are way to passive in this area, thinking that it’s not a big deal. I have learned it’s a much bigger deal than most are willing to admit.
I agree with Kay’s comments. A marriage with such a high level of control is not one based on trust and doesn’t make a strong foundation. If a husband “struggles” with such issues, bubble-wrapping his world won’t help. If they’re supposed to be such strong, pure Men of God the idea that seeing a partially clothed woman ON A MAGAZINE COVER doesn’t speak well for them.
Should proofread first. Meant to write that if they’re supposed to be strong, pure, men of God that the idea of losing control over seeing a partially clothed woman on a MAGAZINE COVER doesn’t speak well for them.
Exactly 💯 this article is completely stupid lol its 2022 exposure is EVERYWHERE…Bubble wrapping a grown man’s world will not stop him from lusting..somehow Christianity is so sexist and always finds a way to Blame the woman. I went to a Christian university that didn’t allow me to wear spaghetti strap shirts lol they claimed my shoulders would tempt men to lust and fall ! If you gotta do all that for you’d husband then don’t be with him.
I found this extremely helpful. I let my then boyfriend at the time to go to Texas A&M, where he is probably kissing thousands of other girls. This article helped me realize to have cracked the whip down and never let him go to the college.
Hey Emily. I hope this article didn’t leave you with the impression that controlling your man is the way to have a happy marriage. Control is certainly not the way that God designed relationships to work; God gave each of us a free will, in the hope that we would choose to turn toward love and relationship. Of course, all of us choose selfishness on a regular basis. But God was somehow willing to allow for that. I think we have to learn to do the same. We have to offer love and relationship to others, even knowing that they will make selfish choices from time to time. When it comes to marriage, we each have to learn to be responsible for ourselves. Men have to be responsible for their tendency to objectify women physically–to expect all women to give them physical pleasure. And women have to be responsible for their tendency to objectify men emotionally–to control men so men will meet all their needs perfectly. Our culture does this very weird thing where women are supposed to be responsible for men’s lust, and fulfilling that, and men and supposed to be responsible for women’s emotions.
I think if we’d untangle that mess of objectification and lack of personal responsibility, we’d be much better off and the porn problem as we know it would cease to exist.
I think when you’re looking to get into a relationship with a man, you should be asking yourself two sets of important questions.
First, does this person take responsibility for himself? And I don’t just mean about his porn behavior. Does he take responsibility for himself in every way? Does he eat right and exercise regularly? Is he financially responsible? Does he live within his means? Does he have a job that’s age-appropriate? Or, if he’s a student, does he attend his classes and work to make reasonable grades? Does he take responsibility for his emotions? Does he control his anger? Does he acknowledge and experience his sadness, his fears, his joys?
Second, is he able to connect emotionally with you? Does he ask how you feel? Is he able to listen without trying to fix you? Is he able to talk about how he feels? Are you each able to be your true emotional selves in the relationship, or do you feel like you have to pretend?
While he’s taking responsibility for himself, you have to take responsibility for yourself as well. Acknowledge your emotions. Process them with a safe person, with a counselor or in a group like Celebrate Recovery. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and practice saying “yes” and “no” when you need to, while also respecting the boundaries of others.
It does seem like making other people do what we want would be the way to a happy life, but it never works out that way. God didn’t design it that way. He gave us each a free will, and each of us has to take responsibility for ourselves.
Blessings Kay
Precious Kristen:
I admire your heart. The battle you identify has been lost except in more primitive cultures and religions. Your notion of purity is one of the achieving of status. One of the things I discovered after serving the church for more than 30 years is that this goal produces more cover up and lying than purity. I accept your home is likely the exception.
Fighting for your husband seems more like trying to protect your child than an adult with whom you share at the level of marriage and family. What I say I because I do not speak for anyone but myself based on dealing with people and the sexual issues across planet earth is that men, women and children seem to need prompts to open honesty more than unlikely achieved goals.
If adults churched or unchurched had the capacity to be honest would be a major step forward towards enhancing marital relationship development over against trying to shield from the world. If your husband and children leave home every day, they have many more influences than yours that in many way become more significant in influence. It is not bad. It is just reality.
There are no perfect worlds, relationships, or individuals of purity. I am concerned that exclusive perspectives do more harm than good in the long term. Observation of the exclusive Christian churches and communities offer no more positive report towards the notion of purity than the most liberal.
Christian women have more elective abortions than any other group of women in America. Add divorce to the mix and other incidentals and the notion of purity approaches the connotation of modeling a master image only the few achieve and since there is no human tool of measure for assessment, how valuable can it be?
You made a new friend today that respects and admires your heart. The motivation for what I do is love. I can tell it is yours.
My name is Oscar. My friends call me, “O”. I invite you to as well.
You really hit the nail on the head for me O, I mean if I sorted my husband’s mail to make sure he never saw something that could challenge him, I’d be treating him like a child and he would never stand for that. Sex and sexuality are real parts of life and it is challenging to navigate this but life is more than a bumper sicker slogan or one idea of how to solve every single thing every single time. You really put into words for me what I was thinking when I was going to respond to this post, I also admire the writers heart tremendously and if this works for them I think it’s great but seriously I could never do that to my husband because he is not my child and he is responsible for his behavior. having said that we don’t have trashy magazines around this house and no one here paeticopated in pornography in any way nor do we ogle magazines in grocery stores, but if my kids see something on the magazine rack, now that they can read, and it brings confusion or conflict we talk about it.