I was standing in line at my local grocery store when an obnoxious magazine caught my eye. I’m used to seeing half-naked women on the cover of tabloids, but this image seemed even too edgy for a tabloid.
A small wave of anger rushed over me as I thought of the innocent children and husbands who were being exposed to this, as I call it, “tabloid porn.” As I tried to refocus my thinking on something more positive, a middle aged couple got in line behind me.
I watched in curiosity as the wife reached over and selected that magazine off the rack. I watched even more curiously to see what she would do with it. To my shock, the wife held that magazine cover up to her husband’s face and said, “Wow, wish I had a body like that!”
Her husband chuckled as he happily perused the cover until she removed it.
I quickly glanced forward, realizing I had been staring. I tried to wrap my head around what I just saw. “Why would a wife want to intentionally show her husband a partially naked woman?” “Why would a wife want to help her husband peruse another woman?”
As I thought about that puzzling scene over the next few days, I began to wonder…maybe that wife didn’t understand the value of sexual purity in her marriage. Or maybe that wife was clueless about lust and temptation. Or maybe she wanted to prove her “security” by appearing non-jealous. I don’t know.
I’ll never know what that wife was thinking, but I do know this—she didn’t seem one bit concerned with placing a direct sexual temptation in her husband’s face.
That, right there, is a big problem.
Sexual temptations bombard our husbands on a daily basis and they don’t need us adding to the struggle.
Unfortunately, I don’t think we, as Christian women, fully understand that. I’ve been guilty of this, and I’ve seen many other Christian women who have been too.
For example, I was over at a Christian family’s house several years ago when I noticed a provocative CD cover on their living room shelf. The CD featured a totally nude image of the backside of a female. I learned later that the CD was the wife’s. I’m guessing that wife was unaware of how sexually tempting and unhelpful that image would be for her husband.
Another time I was staying overnight in the home of a Christian family. The wife was involved in ministry and the husband was the associate pastor of their large church. While using their bathroom, I noticed a pile of tabloids next to the toilet. Half-naked women filled these magazines as I quickly glanced through one. I’m positive they were the wife’s, and I’m also positive she had no idea how tempting they could be for her husband.
Another time I was over at a friend’s house for a casual lunch get-together. She had the TV running in the background with one of those reality supermodel shows on. Her husband was walking back and forth doing house projects. When the commercials weren’t playing, the TV was filled with half-naked bodies of models doing sensual photo shoots. This wife seemed unfazed by the amount of nudity and skin blaring on her TV. I’m guessing she had no idea how tempting they could be for her husband.
All of these Christian wives were unknowingly tempting their husbands towards lust. They weren’t doing it on purpose; they were simply naive. They were bringing immodest, sexualized, and sensual women into their homes and family without even thinking about it. As I’ve learned from my husband over the years, this does not aid him (or any man) in fighting against lust.
To all of my fellow wives out there: Whether you realize it or not, your man has to fight against lust every time he walks out the front door or turns on his Internet browser. Sexulized billboards, raunchy magazines, immodest women walking by, and pornographic pop-up ads attack him on a regular basis. The amount of sexual temptations your husband faces on a daily basis is unreal.
Let’s not make it any harder on him than it already is. Whether he asks you for it or not, there are a lot of things you can do to help him fight the battle.
Here are some things I’ve done over the years that my husband really appreciates:
- I sort the mail and throw away the immodest/sensual ads so he doesn’t have to see them.
- I don’t ask my husband to watch movies with me that have immodest women in them (i.e. most chick flicks).
- I intentionally leave all magazines, books, etc. out of my home that have immodest/sensual images or ads in them.
- If I know a certain restaurant has immodest waitresses, I don’t suggest eating there.
- I don’t ever take my husband into a lingerie store. I’ve seen many wives do this, and from what I hear, it’s not helpful for the men.
I know these things may sound extreme to some of you and I understand why. It’s not normal. However, the way my husband and I see it, it takes extreme measures to fight for purity in our modern sexualized culture. We’re both committed to helping each other out and doing whatever we can to fight for purity.
Purity is extremely important for maintaining a strong foundation in any marriage. As Christian women, I pray we will all see the value of fighting for our men by making the necessary sacrifices to help him succeed.
I’d love to hear from you on this topic. How do you (whether a husband or a wife) help your spouse fight for purity?
http://biblicalgenderroles.com/2014/05/26/is-sexual-arousal-lust/
Larry, my boy, you’ve bought into the pernicious lies being propagated by the above website, lies that are all the more dangerous to the Christian mindset because they come couched in very calm, reasonable and seemingly-objective terms. For those not familiar with this so-called “Biblical Gender Roles” site, take a gander and you will quickly pick up on something not entirely “Biblical” in the positions it espouses. But in many cases, blink and you’ve missed it. (That’s why ya gotta know your Bible!)
The thing is that it takes a conceptual shift of only one or two degrees to skew the thrust of The Word’s message and the writer/writers are happy to oblige. Moreover, the tone employed is so subtle and earnest, so uncompromisingly judicious yet patient and considerate of human foibles, that one is left wondering if one had been misreading the Bible all along. Nevertheless, what comes across to me is an approach more along the lines of: “Sssooo, hass God ssaid…”
A sample of the inspired (yet obviously unhinged) output from this site: “But let’s say your wife is model, and loves posing nude for you to either paint or photograph(and some few women do like this), and she does not mind you sharing it and your audience is OK with it, then there is no problem. For instance say a Christian owned an photographic art gallery. He might display many nude or partially nude pictures of women throughout his gallery, maybe even some of his wife.” Charming, isn’t it?
Years ago, I used to put all the department store flyers in the bathroom so I could check out all the sales while I was using the facility. Unbeknownst to me (until my husband informed me), those flyers & their underwear or lingerie models were HUGE triggers to him, while he was using the facility. After what he told me, I can’t believe it never crossed my mind. I now look through the flyers as soon as the newspaper arrives, jot down the interesting sale items, then throw all the flyers away, so my husband doesn’t even see them. Until my husband told me, I always assumed he was looking at the flyers for sales, the same as I was. But…nothing was further from the truth. My husband is very happy now that those flyers are out of his life, and so am I.
I totally agree with you. The one thing that caught my attention in the article was this. You said you don’t watch movies
with your husband that have immodest women in them. I’m wondering, why would you as a Christian woman would
want to watch movies that have immodest women in them. As Christians we should have a desire to avoid all things that portray the impurity of the world.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I did feel a little like this is blaming the wife for the problem of list which we should understand is a sin problem. I am sorry to disagree with you
but I feel unable to carry the burden of my husband being tempted when visiting the local market. I do all of these things you suggested and appreciate your comments but I don’t think it is helpful to accept the blame in this situation.
Thanks, Karen. I agree with you that we can only be responsible for ourselves. Accepting the blame for another person’s actions is never a healthy way forward for anyone. This is the world we live in, and we each have to figure out how to be responsible for ourselves within it. Blessings, Kay
I don’t see where Kristen is talking about blame here. Everything she suggested is ways that women can help promote purity in their marriage, not to be responsible for their husbands purity. We are all 100% responsible for our actions. So if a man lusts after a woman, he is 100% responsible for it. If a woman dresses immodestly in public, she is 100% responsible for dressing immodestly. No one can force us to sin. We do so because we want to. While women can’t be the porn police, they should do their part to help. If my wife would struggle with jealousy, I am not going to comment how pretty a woman is that just walked by me in public. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with acknowledging beauty, but why would I do something that would instill feelings of envy and hurt when I know my wife is prone to that?
The methods may vary from couple to couple, but I think you’re spot on. I remember hearing about a youth group meeting once where the boys and girls were encouraged to speak candidly with one another. Apparently, the young men proceeded to explain to the young women how difficult it was for them to maintain pure thoughts at Church because of the way they were dressing. The young women, apparently, had no idea. One might argue that a mature believer should have a modicum of discipline and self-control… but what about the rest of us? From the brand new believers to those for whom this is a particularly heavy burden, setting up safeguards is only wisdom. Are we talking Burkas here? No. But should a Church swim party be loaded with young women in string bikinis? I’d strongly argue that such an event wouldn’t promote lust – free thoughts.
The problem I find with this is that the blame for impure thoughts gets shifted to a whole group of people who aren’t having the impure thoughts. Of course we all wish that the world would operate in some perfect way so that we could have a perfect life, but this is not the reality that confronts us. Lust exists in the world where women wear burkas. Lust is not about what another person wears or doesn’t wear, how another person acts or doesn’t act. Lust is about objectifying that other person for our own needs, and the amount of clothing will never stop that process once we’ve allowed ourselves to believe that “we just can’t help it, it’s lust.” Each of us can only be responsible for our own thoughts, choices, and behaviors.
The safeguards we need to set are within each of us, not on other people. Blaming other people for our own lust is not a way out. It’s just a way to deflect from the serious work that needs to take place on the inside of the person who has the issue of lust. Which is 100% of the human population. We all have to figure out how to deal with ourselves, how to have healthy boundaries. None of us is off the hook, regardless of gender. The difficulty we face is actually taking responsibility for ourselves, rather than pushing that job off on others.
Blessings, Kay
Well, THAT’S where you and I part ways, Kay, with your obsessive advancing of hands-off boundaries hither and thither. Maybe people should just marry themselves and deal with everything all by their lonesome, nyet, if they go by your prescribed restrictions. Lady, I’m all for personal responsibility being assumed by all, but whatever happened to “a help meet for him”? (The Lord: “I will make FOR HIM a companion suitable FOR HELPING him [my emphasis].” – Complete Jewish Bible) Isn’t that what some of these women are doing in protecting their partners from sundry (and unsought for) temptations? And isn’t that concern for the spiritual wellbeing of one’s brethren in Christ the responsibility of EVERY believer?
Reread Kristen’s article, s’il vous plait. “Whether you realize it or not, your man has to fight against lust every time he walks out the front door or turns on his Internet browser. Sexulized (sic) billboards, raunchy magazines, immodest women walking by, and pornographic pop-up ads attack him on a regular basis. The amount of sexual temptations your husband faces on a daily basis is unreal.” (Tell me about it!) And then Kristen, bless her soul, continues with a call for action: “Let’s not make it any harder on him than it already is. Whether he asks you for it or not, there are a lot of things you can do to help him fight the battle.” Ah, a woman of virtue (sooo rare in this day and age)…
But thou, Kay, seek to quickly recalibrate (I now see it’s a pattern with thee) well-meaning intentions for helping those who are weaker in the flesh (at least regarding visual stimuli) by choosing to totally overlook what each one of us can do out of love for the body of Christ. (“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you LOVE one another.”) And how do we show love for our fellow-believers? ONE WAY is to keep from being a stumbling block for anyone, especially those of the faith: “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak (within the church).”
The PRINCIPLE involved here is one of forgoing one’s individual preferences for the sake of others in the fold who might be led astray by what they SEE in US (as other, ostensibly faithful, Christians). Paul rounds this off by asserting that we could actually precipitate the self-destruction of a “weak brother or sister” by doing what we feel is right merely FOR OURSELVES in their sight. By wounding their weak conscience, Paul says, you sin against Christ, and thus he, for one, would refrain from any such behavior. How’s that for Christian solidarity, Kay?
Regarding Matthew’s comment, way I see it (and St. Paul, and Matthew, too) is that those church girls weren’t doing those boys any favors by putting their attributes on display – quite the contrary – and I like Matthew’s use of “apparently”. (Ha! They had no idea..? Yeah, and I was born a couple of days ago. Oh, they KNEW BUT DIDN’T CARE, Matthew, and I’ll wager me fav’rrite bagpipe on it.) Of course, all that doesn’t absolve young (or youngish), red-blooded guys like ourselves from “…guarding our hearts above all else, for everything we do flows from it” and “making a covenant with our eyes not to look lustfully at young women”, but hey, how about our SISTERS IN CHRIST dressing modestly, with decency and propriety, and not as the world does, for the testimony they give thereby and out of consideration for us?
This sin-intoxicated world will do as it will – we expect no better from it. Nonetheless, some considerate women go out of their way to try and sanitize it somewhat for their menfolk. More power to them. But purity should be a Church thing, a group endeavor (“be of one mind”) and neither male nor female should make the other gender uncomfortable with their choice of attire. As we are prepared to forgo meat, or alcohol, or whatever – were a brother to derive offense therefrom – so Christians should dress with all modesty. After all, such is merely befitting of the child of God’s dignity and worth, as well as evidence of love for one’s brothers and sisters in the faith.
The problem is this: telling women they have to dress or behave in certain ways so that men won’t lust, just doesn’t work. My husband and I both grew up in very conservative churches where this sort of “purity” message to women was the norm. I’ve heard it and heard it, and I’ve lived it. And my husband got addicted to porn, no matter how purely I lived. That is the story so many women tell here. They’ve done everything as well as they know how, and their husbands are making terrible, terrible choices. It just doesn’t work to expect women to do things right so that men won’t lust. We just can’t control other people’s choices.
What really works, in the real world, is individual men and women taking responsbility for themselves before God. Yes, we love one another and treat each other with dignity and respect–treating others with respect is inherent to good boundaries. But what we don’t do is expect other people to take responsbility for us. When we do that, we’re falling back onto the oldest excuse in the book: “the woman that thou gavest me.” Until we get past that idea that women are at fault for the choices men make (or that men are at fault for the choices women make) we’ll always have that same old excuse for living in a mess. When in fact, there’s freedom and life and hope available. It just never, ever comes without being honest before God about your own stuff, and letting God work and heal. As long as we’re blaming others for our problems, we’re blocking that healing work from our lives.
Blessings, Kay
Kay, Kay, you just don’t get me, do you? Christians do not embrace morality because it is what WORKS or NOT among us fallible humans “in the real world”. Nay, we, both men and women, do it because God commands it, that’s all. We ALL “make a pact with our eyes” and also dress modestly (one definition of which is “the quality of behaving and especially dressing in ways that do not attract sexual attention”. © 2015 Merriam-Webster, Incorporated.) Compare with Jesus’ reply to Peter when the latter asked about John’s “special treatment” (John 21:22).
And, by God’s standards, those church girls in bikinis were 1) showing their nakedness, 2) which is shameful, as per Isaiah 47:2-3. In fact, ever since things went south in Eden, public nudity has been a no-no (or should be, at least among God’s people). That is why the Lord clothed our first parents, why Shem and Japhet covered Noah’s nudity, why God commanded the priests to make sure their nether regions were out of sight when officiating, and why Jesus used a metaphor (twice) in which fleshly exposure is equated with shame when he cautioned the church against spiritual nakedness.
I believe I have gone over the stumbling-block angle of all this clearly enough already, so I will let that rest. Let me close off, though, by assuring you that I do not suggest anyone should pass the buck for their own choices, but that we should all stand by the consequences of the choices we make. That being said, however, and while no one can keep anyone else from sinning by lusting or whatever, we each have another responsibility to “do things right”, which includes helping our neighbors. Why? Because it’s in the Bible, that’s why – and because we love our neighbors as ourselves. Therefore, let us “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way (we) will fulfill the law of Christ”. Good night.
Xavier, no offense meant by this, but I think many of our readers have a hard time “getting” you. :)
Can you clarify for me: how exactly do you think Kay (or anyone else on this thread) has misunderstood you?
So a comment that is carefully thought-out, is Biblically-based, is not gratitiously antagonistic, and that does not contain profane language, but which DOES NOT fall into line with Covenant Eyes’ eye on the Bottom Line (relying heavily – among various factors – on female anxiety, real and exacerbated, for the sale of its products), will be considered loquela non grata by the censor(s) of said business. Opinions must remain within the desired tenor of officialese, or at least be so inane or vitriolic that they’re certain to be discounted by current or potential customers. Lesson learned.
Hey Xavier. I’m not sure how you’re responding to Matthew’s thoughts here, but I can at least reply to yours.
On the contrary, we all kinds of comments. One only needs to peruse the articles here to see that—we even allow a lot of the non-biblically-based and antagonistic ones (we tend to get rid of ones that are gratuitously profane). What has led you to think such comments are unwelcome?
Hey, Luke, long time… Anyway, when I said to Kay that she didn’t grasp where I was coming from, I was referring to her insistence that purity was an individual concern, and that – given the axiom of “personal responsibility” – no woman may be held accountable for her mode of dress, which would be tantamount to blaming others for one’s propensity to lust. Well, as I attempted to bring across in my responses to Ms. Bruner, such a dynamic can and does play out in the unconverted world, but with Christians it should be a different story.
I posited, based on the testimony of Scripture, that those who follow the Master must be prepared to sacrifice “personal idiosyncrasy” for the sake of the spiritual health of one’s fellow believers, individually or collectively. (“Let all that you do be done in love.”) Moreover, there are various guidelines in the Word over what constitutes modest and immodest attire. With all that, both male and female Christians should be aware that they are responsible for themselves, of course, but also be aware of their responsibility for helping, not hindering, their brethren’s spiritual wellbeing.
And regarding your second point, Luke, I wasn’t addressing Matthew’s comment at all, but rather, what I felt was C.E.’s uncalled-for reluctance to publish my second response to Kay, especially given the fact that I had posted another, unrelated comment (below) on the same date, and which had eventually been green-lighted by the moderator. I inferred that it had to have been the substance of what I said in the former that had earned it the ire of the powers-that-be on C.E.’s fora.
Emily, thanks for considering the mags I’m stores! I once was on a store and in a organizing mode so when I saw mag out of place & backwards I went to move it then realized exactly why it was backwards Perhaps God would have us pray about stores removing garbage. Cinn, OH has a no porno policy My personal desire is that pastors and speakers would not bear their chests with v neck t shirts! I respect men who are mindful of that
Thank you for the article. I wish my elders had gotten rid of all that crap when I was a kid.
We men can use all the help we can get, for sure. As a husband myself, I take responsibility to communicate with my wife about what might be tempting to me that she would purchase or have around the house. The onus is on me, more than her, to communicate about it. Otherwise it can take on a form of codependency, which is unhealthy, rather than a joint partnership.
Kristen,
You’re on the right road. It is no wonder that so many of us men struggle with porn. Society as a whole is blind to its evil nature, sadly many Christians consider it the norm also. But your right, its not normal and in Gods economy it will never be the norm. Raise the standard high because that’s why Christ Jesus died, so that we shouldn’t be in bondage to sin. Thank you and be blessed.
Mark Finn
I do all of these things you have suggested woth my boyfriend whom i hope one day is my husband. Its a daily battle. I cant control what goes on when we arent together but when I do get to see him I make sure I remove all temptation. i was recently convicted to stop watching a family show with half naked women dancing. Its a show he enjoys and I was watching it with him but God convicted me to stop watching the show and it would help him. When Im in gas stations there are usually playboy magazines right in sight.. This may sound extreme but i take effort to hide these magazines and replaced the front one with motorcycles or cars, anything that will help other husbands and young children with seeing these innapropriate images.
Hey Emily. I hope that your boyfriend will ultimately take responsibility for himself. He needs to learn to do that now, while you’re still dating. You can’t control him or make the world clean enough for him to always avoid temptation, so he has to figure out how to be responsible for himself. How’s he doing in that arena? Does he have people in his life (friends, parents, mentors) who are helping him learn how to be a healthy person in every way, including sexually? Is he able to define his own boundaries and work on being healthy in the ways he decides are right for him? I think those are really important questions to consider. Here and here are a couple of articles about boundaries that might be helpful. Blessings, Kay
Hi! Loved your artical, I am glad I am not the only crazy one out their so encouraging! My husband and I employ these strategies at home and have found it hard seeing other completely oblivious to it so saying their husbands are immune. My husband and I has even not gone to a bible study movie night social when we knew the movie they were watching had compromising content. I feel stupid sometimes, but this artical has encouraged me to not be resentful when I see what other women watch or do and my husband says no and to keep encouraging others to do the same. Thank you :)
“(A) family show with half naked women dancing..?” A FAMILY show? How long has this been going on? Since I don’t watch that medium, I now feel like Rip Van Winkle gazing out over the Hudson Valley of TV-land. Anyway, so BF enjoyed watching that garbage? Wait a minute, WHICH ONE of you swore off it? Emily, quick, read what Kay has to say in those two articles! (Food-fer-thought, nary a hint of anti-male condescension anywhere, great advice and whatnot, etc. …)
Emily,
Congratulations! I think you are doing awesome job! I have 2 sons and even at Walmart, I try to keep them away from the posters and calendars for the same reason. Thank you for helping other guys stay pure.
While God certainly doesn’t take pleasure in our suffering, I think He may allow us to go through trials to strengthen our faith and to offer fellowship to those in similar predicaments. I think that’s why the Holy Spirit may have moved upon Paul to call out the legalistic “dogs” in Philippians. Paul was the “Pharisee of Pharisees” and as such he knew the methodologies and motivations of people like them. He knew that many of them were about making their cogregants as afraid, jaded, and sexually repressed as they were. It’s no different now. This is what happens when you’re taught that your God-given sexuality is a constant source of trial and tribulation when you’re single. Those distortions become obsessions and everything is hypersexualized. Bill Gothard did that for years, and now he’s paying the price.
Don’t get married thinking it will go away. If he has a lust issue he needs to get control over it and want to be better. This wife has been heartbroken too many times for 17 years. Too many lies too much deception and cover-up. I’ve done all I can over the years to help. He keeps going back like he is an animal and can’t help himself.