Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post do not reflect the official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
I’ve heard it said that there are men who don’t look at porn, and then there are men who are breathing. If recent surveys are any indication, porn use has become the norm among men, not the exception.
Still, I get a lot of questions from women who are feeling the heartbreaking impact of porn on their marriages. To them porn feels like cheating, and for good reason.
It is.
I understand why many don’t think this is true (reasons I’ll address below), but first, it is important that I define some terms.
By “using porn” I don’t mean merely seeing it. It’s hard not to walk about in public places or go online without seeing something that is at least meant to titillate the eyes of men. When I say “using” I mean intentionally taking porn in through one’s senses with the intention of being turned on and then, most likely, masturbating or at least getting sexually aroused.
By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”
The Slippery Porn Slope
Take some steps with me down a morally slippery slope.
Step 1: Let’s say I were to visit a prostitute and have sex with her. That would be cheating on my wife. I assume no one would debate me on this point.
Step 2: However, let’s say that when I met with the prostitute we didn’t actually touch each other: I just watched her have sex with someone else while I masturbated in the same room. (Weird, I know. But just go with it.) Would that be cheating? Both in this case and in the previous case I am seeking the services of a prostituted woman for sexual pleasure—seeking out and enjoying the body of a woman who is not my wife in order to be sexually gratified.
Could a man rightly say, “Yes, I pleasured myself in front of a hooker, but we didn’t touch each other. I stayed faithful to you”? I don’t think so. The pretense of no physical contact doesn’t matter because the action still violates the spirit of sexual exclusivity.
Step 3: However, let’s say I didn’t visit the prostitute in person but only interacted with her online through erotic video chat. Let’s say I masturbated during the chat session while using the video image as the source of my fantasy. Is this cheating? Has the lack of physical proximity suddenly changed the situation that it is no longer breaking my marriage vow? I don’t think so.
Step 4: Now let’s say that instead of engaging in the video chat live, the prostitute recorded herself for me so I could masturbate at my convenience. Is this still cheating? Am I now suddenly remaining faithful to my marriage vows because someone hit the record button? No. That’s just stupid.
Step 5: Now let’s say the prostitute has a business card with a fancy title on it: “Pornographic Actress.” She even has a website with a resume listing of all the films she’s been in. Her pimp—I mean, agent—pays taxes and everything. Totally legit. Let’s say I reach out to this prostitute and pay her to view her recorded videos which she gladly sells me. Is this cheating? Does the change in title and the veneer of professionalism change the nature of the act? No.
Step 6: Now let’s say that this entire enterprise is industrialized so that this woman is part of a large network of other prostitutes who are doing the same thing. Much like walking into a brothel, I can pick the woman I want when I want, pay my fee, and enjoy her body for my lustful purposes. Is this cheating? What about the industrialized nature of the product changes the nature of the act? Nothing.
And on this last step we have arrived at what the modern porn industry is. This is why using pornography is cheating. It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.
Hold On, I’m Not Convinced.
I can hear the screeching of mental breaks right about now. Many are thinking, “Wait a second. Something major has shifted between the first scenario and the last. No one sees porn as digital prostitution. If this was the way our culture understood porn, it might be one thing. But very few people who watch porn go online thinking, ‘I can’t wait to get sexual gratification from a digital prostitute.'”
This is a good objection. After all, motive and intention count for something when it comes to the promises or vows we make. If I sign a contract saying I will not share proprietary information from my employer, but then forward a work e-mail along to a friend, not knowing it counts as “proprietary,” I’m not guilty of intentionally breaking my promise (even if my employer has grounds to fire me). Someone who uses porn might think along the same lines: “I’m just watching video clips made by actors and actresses, not intentionally seeking digital interactions with a prostitute.”
I agree, but motives only carry some of the weight when it comes to our moral decisions. The above slippery slope is not as much about motives as it is about the nature of the actions. Behind the making of pornography are real people really selling themselves for the sexual gratification of viewers. The medium doesn’t change the fact that a prostituted woman was used for her body and sex appeal, no matter the viewer’s understanding of the act.
This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.
[Tweet “Seeking out porn is engagement with a digital prostitute. #pornischeating”]
Why Cheating Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
However, by saying that using porn is breaking a marriage vow, I am not prescribing a specific reaction we should have to it. The six-step slippery slope presents six different scenarios, each having their own gravity of offense. They may all be cheating, but they all show different levels of intensity.
We need to turn the tables on those who ask, “Is using porn cheating?” and address why it matters.
- For some, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they bring a lot of baggage with the question. They think, “Since porn is cheating, I can never forgive you.” “Since porn is cheating, I have grounds to divorce you—and I will.” “Since porn is cheating, I will lash out and cheat on you.” These dispositions are, quite frankly, completely separate issues to address. To say a man has broken his marriage vow by seeking out porn is one thing. To say that he cannot be forgiven, that he should be divorced, or that he deserves revenge are other matters altogether.
- For others, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they simply want their spouse to know that when they said, “I do,” they expected a spirit of monogamy. Yes, the world is full of sexual temptations. Yes, they know their spouse is full of hormones and attracted to other people walking about in the world. But they expected to be the focus of their spouse’s sexual energy, attention, and devotion. When they vowed to “forsake all others,” that is what they promised and what they expected in return.
The Heart of the Matter
Two facts lie at the heart of the issue.
First, people often desire the perks of marriage, but marriage vows are not taken seriously. As such, we find ourselves straddling two worlds. In one world, we embrace an idyllic picture of finding “the one,” growing old together, loving and serving another person until death we do part. In the other world, we enjoy the convenience and self-centeredness of solo-sex in front of the computer screen. These two worlds mix like oil and water in our miry hearts. Before long, you will either have to abandon pornography or abandon a genuine spirit of monogamy.
Second, people have been blinded by the sense of distance the digital world places between ourselves and the real world. We believe something doesn’t count as much if it is “online” or “on television” or “just fantasy.” We rename offenses: stealing becomes downloading, cruelty becomes speaking one’s mind, and exploitation becomes entertainment. We have settled for what Chris Hedges calls an empire of illusion. “Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation,” Hedges writes. “It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”
So, He’s Cheating. Now What?
If your husband (or wife) is engrossed in porn, you are right to feel like this is cheating. He is defrauding you of something that should be your exclusive domain. You are not a prude for thinking this. You just take your vows seriously, as everyone should.
But where do you go from here? Start by getting educated about the addictive nature of pornography and the steps other couples have taken to take a new direction. Read, “6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts.”
So here’s my situation… I have been married for 25 years. We have 3 beautiful kids that have flown the coop.
It all began… We had a long distance relationship, so we went ahead and married after 2 years of dating, though I was still in college. The plan was for me to continue my education, however, we got pregnant right away. Due to his lack of income, I had to work… no option. Then once the baby was born, I pretty much stayed home (I worked out of our home). Baby #2 & #3 came along and the decision was made to homeschool and stay home to raise our family. Long story short, I homeschooled our kids for 18 years and stayed home and raised them. My career was willingly put off for the sake of giving our kids every advantage we could possibly give them. My husband worked hard to make this possible, however, that also meant he was gone a lot and/or was working after he came home. (He had a variety of jobs along the way… every couple of years until recently… but pretty much the same story… never really “off”. I believe work to be his first love… and he admits to being a workaholic.).
We have had our share of struggles our entire marriage… I blame myself for marrying him in the first place when the warning signs were everywhere. He lied to me about his age when we met… from our beginning, the foundation was laid… a lie. The lies, broken promises, being the last thing on his list was true from our beginning and has continued. I’ve been asked, “why did you marry him?” Well, besides feeling like an idiot now, back then I was young (19yrs) and naive, wanting someone to love me. And I made excuses for him because of his claim of being hurt so badly and being done so wrong in his previous marriage… he had trust issues. I had never been married, but felt so sorry for him that I allowed his misuse of me & our relationship hoping it would change and that he would learn to love and trust me. So we married after a rocky 2 year relationship.
I’ve been asked what drew me to him, so I’ll go ahead and clarify that. It’s a legitimate question. Well, it wasn’t his drinking… it wasn’t his “womanizing” ways (being with different women)… it wasn’t him being a workaholic… it wasn’t him being a divorced man… it wasn’t his mistreatment of me or his lies… (get the picture of why I feel like an idiot?!). Well, idiot or not… I felt sorry for him. I felt that deep down there was a good guy in there somewhere. He’s extremely intelligent, very handsome, extremely poised, mannerly and nicely groomed (always looked so professional & successful)… and was at that time, very successful career-wise. He was mysteriously quiet and was very kind toward me WHEN he found time to be with me and didn’t stand me up (yes, he had stood me up _numerous_ times as well). He was a wounded puppy in my eyes.
So… I was stupid. That’s established.
The first years were ok… we had kids right away so I had lots of hugs and kisses and a channel for my energy and companionship. I poured my heart and soul into them and my husband. I continued to forgive his ongoing constant lies and broken words, hoping things would be different eventually… “surely… he has a family now.” Years past and things escalated as it has become “impossible” to continue forgiving someone who refuses to change his destructive patterns.
That leads us to the last few years. Things have escalated to a level that I believe to be irrepairable. I just don’t know how to muster up any amount of respect for him, more forgiveness, and definitely not trust.
My acceptance and forgiveness… over time has turned to just refusing to accept and refusing to continue to take it. I have done more than my part. When is HE going to make an effort to change these harmful patterns? Why is it always on me?… to just forgive and allow him the next opportunity? My patience for necessary change is GONE. It’s been 25 years. WHY would I have any hope whatsoever for a bright and happy future with this man?
Anyway… back to things escalating… the last few years, the fighting has escalated (& my ability to keep forgiving has diminished / vanished away). In this escalating, he had gotten somewhat physical. Not causing me harm at first… just pushing me down or handling me roughly. Then finally it had escalated to him punching me in the face and breaking my nose. The fighting that day was so intense, I was trying to run away from him… I ran in the bedroom and tried to shut the door, but he forced his way in and ran up and hit me. At that point, I ran in the closet, and he left. I lied there on the floor bleeding and “dying” inside. He left. To say I was devastated is a gross understatement. I just knew there was no way I could possibly forgive this. Mainly because anytime he does anything, he excuses it or makes it my fault. There was no way my heart was prepared to hear any likes of that! So I just wanted out. No talking through it because I knew he would take that opportunity to hurt me further… and I couldn’t take anymore.
After this happened, we lived under the same roof, but he didn’t come around me. I was left ALONE for around a month or so. No apology… no affection… no attention… no communication… nothing.
I need to insert that my belief about divorce is from a conservative viewpoint. I believed that the only Biblical reason for divorce was adultery. Had he cheated on me? Not to my knowledge… nor did I truly believe he had. So this was tough. Do I stay in what is now a physically abusive marriage? I just didn’t see how I could, but I didn’t see a way out either.
Things continued to worsen… the fighting continued and led to a 4.5 month abandonment. I was ALONE. In some ways, it was welcomed… at least it was peaceful. But the loneliness was just about more than I could bear. It started in early June… he again lived in “his” side of the house… he didn’t come around. He stayed out late most nights, usually until after midnight & would leave the next morning. There was no communicating (other than what was necessary & what I believed I needed to as long as I was married to him), no contact physically, emotionally,.. not even eye contact. Literally… he didn’t even look at me when we crossed paths. If you can imagine not seeing or talking or touching your spouse for 4.5 months… that’s basically what it was. When my birthday rolled around in late Oct, I was going out of town to see our older daughter to spend it with her (to make the best of it). Well, I had let him know I was going, and he hid a box of perfume in the car for my daughter to get out & give me when I got there. Oh, how romantic he looked! “Isn’t he thoughtful?!”
Let me back up for a moment… You see… I have never once shared with our kids any of the struggles we have had. In fact, my belief was that I should always nurture a healthy relationship between our them and their dad. I should never speak ill of him. Rather, I should esteem him and show respect (whether I truly did or not). I always promoted his good qualities and drew attention to them. I would gather our kids and we would have prayer for him while he would be working. I prayed blessings on him…etc… I TRIED SO HARD… why?… THINKING it was the right thing to do and God would bless it. Just keep doing my part. God would surely bless my efforts, right? He knows the hidden things that no one else does. And I took them to HIM (God)… not to our children or anyone else. I always spoke highly of him to others… I was his cheerleader.
What did I reap? Well, our children adore him, as I’d hoped they would. And well… every problem that has come to light is- my fault. Why is it my fault? Because my husband HAS gone to our kids and put me in a bad light with them. Needless to say… I’m pretty bitter.
Now back to my birthday weekend. I was less than thrilled with his “set up”. Privately, I’m the last thing on his list. Efforts are non-existent. But in front of them, he always puts on a show. I guess I didn’t hide things as well as I used to… it was getting harder. And all my daughter saw was me seeming a bit “ungrateful”… Though I had tried to verbally express how thoughtful that was to her. (Later I learned that she and he had talked about it… and of course, he told her a lie about why I was less than excited about it…. making me out to just be ungrateful). Oh sure… it had nothing to do with the fact that this man hasn’t shown his face around me since June (4.5 months)! Giving no effort whatsoever for his marriage or me! I’d been abandoned!… but of course, he didn’t want to mention that. He KNEW what the issue was.
Anyway… it had been over 4 months. On my way home, I begged God for my marriage. I begged for my husband to be there and for God to just show me something. If not, I was prepared to walk away (again). I had already kept going more than I thought I could… and I was just so done. How can I possibly keep going? How could he do the things he’s done… and now abandon me?! Well, when I got home, I was devastated to find him gone. My prayers must have bounced off the ceiling.
He knew what day I was coming home, but he chose his usual late night away. So… At that point, I was set in my heart that I would be at the courthouse the following morning. He may not have cheated on me (that I know of), but I just can’t keep taking this. And with that came the agonizing reality that my marriage was over. That our family was broken. That all my efforts were for naught. That this man that I gave my everything to never loved me. It was a pain so deep and agonizing, I just wanted to die. Well… My groaning & uncontrollable anguish was heard when he came home, and he hurried to me. He begged to take me away. He held me (finally!). He spoke to me (finally!). He looked at me (finally!). He appeared to actually care for the first time in sooooo long. I do sort of feel like – why now? Why did it have to come to this?
Well, maybe I shouldn’t have, but I grasped at the possibility that this was an answer to my prayer. I finally, reluctantly, agreed to go away with him. He actually put other things off and quickly pulled together a trip for the next morning! That spoke to me. I had prayed and begged God for a miracle and by the end of that trip, I chose to believe- this was my (our) miracle!
Because I truly wanted to believe God for this miracle, I was able to muster up some hope, and I poured everything I had into making sure that the past was behind us and only a bright future would be ahead. I tried. Hard. And… I continued to forgive… again. And then… again. And again… and again… and again… Eventually the reality set in that nothing had really changed on his end. The same lies, empty broken words, etc. continued.
Then later, our marriage took another pounding. It was a few days after our anniversary. He stays so busy and literally days pass without hardly any communication… sometimes weeks. I had been needing to sit down with him to go over some things and just talk (I’m back in school, my mom had just died of cancer… things were crazy for me) and he had kept telling me he would. But he kept putting me off. Finally, I tried to nail him down on a time that would work for him so that we could hopefully have a plan in place. I needed him. So, he set a time and committed that he would not put me off again. He told me he would have everything else in place and would meet with me for an extended lunch time (starting at 11am). He was working from home that day, and I came to see him at 11. He wasn’t ready. I waited until around 11:30… he wasn’t ready. At that point, I pointed out that once again, he was not keeping his word with me. And this time, I let him know I expected him to. I had already been patient, giving him some extra time, but he needed to just sit down with me like he said he was going to do. I did this in a calm & rational manner, just trying to get him to understand, and he exploded! He threw his brief case down and yelled, “Fine! Let’s talk!”, but then he proceeded to pick everything up, pack up his computer, and walked out. Once again… I’m completely devastated.
A couple of hours later, I ran across his iPad and decided to pick it up and see what I might find (he had lied to me about something he had sold… and I knew it, but had no proof for (he has his own bank acct).) And sure enough, I found an email that showed he had sold it for 6x what he had told me.
Then I thought I’d run through his internet browsing history. I’m a complete “tech-tard”, so I have no idea how this works, but apparently they were synced, because I could see that he had left our home and gone to his office to watch porn. (couldn’t keep his commitment to talk with me though). He had viewed at least a half a dozen sites or so at that point. Then I saw where he had been watching porn the day before that… and the day before that. There were 3 days that he hadn’t watched it and when I looked at the dates, I realized it was the 3 days we had just been visiting NYC (& our kids were there, too) for a college graduation and our wedding anniversary. So… from the time we got on the plane to the time we got back, he hadn’t watched any. However, this made sense to my wondering why he was cold and distant that whole trip… even our anniversary… he went to bed cold and distant… not even a snuggle. Things had been pretty icy, but I was hoping the get-away, being together with our family, and it being our anniversary would draw us together. But now I knew why it didn’t.
The history only went back about a week and a half… (I’m not sure why it only went back that far… still don’t know)…. and he had watched it (multiple videos a day, sometimes as many as a dozen or so) every single day except when we were out of town and Sunday, when we go to church. And some how he figured out that “weird things were happening”, because after about an hour, the devices were unsynced. No history ever came in after that. But I knew enough… almost 2 weeks worth. Once again… I was completely devastated. I can’t keep doing this.
Our relationship was already cold and distant, so nothing really changed there. The first step I took… I talked to 2 friends to see if they could tell me any “reason” this could have happened OTHER than him actually viewing it. Two reasons for this… I KNEW he would make some sort of excuse and try to lie his way out of it. But I also wanted desperately for it not to be true! Is it possible that this is on his history without him viewing porn?! I wanted to believe that maybe it’s possible. Neither of my confidants could find a different solution. They both gently told me that this is just a harsh reality.
My reaction after a couple of days of processing was… I have been devastated by this man for the last time. NOW, as far as I’m concerned… HE HAS cheated on me, and this is the last straw. In my mind… I thought maybe God was giving me my way out. God knew what I had been going through all these years… maybe He allowed this so I’d be free. My plan was a hard and decisive move forward with divorce. I could now do so with a clear conscience (Biblically… in the case of adultery). I went to the courthouse and picked up the thick pack of papers I needed to fill out & return. I then made the most difficult phone call of my life and told the kids that I was divorcing their daddy. I had a clear conscience about it, but I knew that this would be “all my fault” in their eyes.. I’m tearing our family apart since I’m the one filing. (which I have reason to believe has been his plan or desire). And at this point, I was prepared to accept that. Obviously because I felt I had no option, but also… Because honestly, I couldn’t bear to hurt them even more with the ugly truth. I had zero desire to throw them in the middle of our problems. It’s not their fault, nor does it have anything to do with them (in regards to them being part of the issues). Nor did I want to hurt anyone… I truly didn’t… I just wanted PEACE. Nor did I want any “sin” set before them as a stumbling block (I wanted to allow no room for satan to catch any of them in a weak moment & try to justify it with, “my dad (who plays the Christian card so well) has even done this”.). And besides all of that, I was so “lost” and confused about life at this point, I just wanted to take the safest steps possible. The less I would say in that state, I felt probably the better. I just feel like… when you have no clue what to do or say… say nothing until you’re out of the fog… and just take ALL the yuk to God. I responded with just wanting to say only what I needed to or had to… and I just drew up into my Father’s lap.
Well…. the kids asked if I’d be willing to wait… to put it off for the sake of trying any last efforts that we may not have tried. (they also added, “if you aren’t willing to exhaust all efforts, then you’re just throwing our family away without even trying”). Well… we had tried counseling… time and time again… to no avail. They wanted more… and they wanted their dad to get his annual check-up since he was past due (I had had mine). Etc. So I agreed to wait as long as things were progressing with what they wanted. (in the end, things didn’t pan out this way).
So here we were… I truly did not know what to do other than exist. I’m just here. I certainly didn’t want to confront my husband about the porn! I didn’t know how to handle the pain of it. And again… especially adding his lies or twisting or whatever path he would take to explain it away… I couldn’t take that on top of everything else. I just needed to process and exist and pray.
This I knew… I truly never WANTED to be divorced! I never wanted for our family to fall apart! I never wanted ANY of this!
I, once again, begged God to take and use this as an opportunity for good… that God would convict him to the point that he would actually come to me!.. and confess what he’s done. Something that would perhaps BUILD trust instead of the continual destruction of trust. He has so destroyed my trust, couldn’t he just possibly do something for once to build it?! I decided to wait and allow God to work in this man… to hopefully bring him to the place where we can actually build “something”. I waited… and waited… weeks.
** (backing up… He didn’t know that I knew anything, but we fought so much, and when I found out about the porn, I had just told him that I’d had enough. I was done. So, he didn’t realize the porn was an issue. Again, I just didn’t have the strength to confront that. So, during the first part of this time, knowing I was asking for a divorce… he began his “positioning” for divorce. He began going behind my back and told the kids things that were only “half-truths” (lies) to put me in a bad light. He did the same with my dad (mind you, I had just lost my mom and he’d just lost his wife.) He wouldn’t see me or talk to me… nothing). But finally, he had a bit of a change of heart… he finally came around and wanted to “try”.)
Well… as I said, I had agreed (with the kids) to wait on this divorce. While waiting, I tried to gently prod him. After a few days of waiting, I started saying from time to time, things like, “If you ever have something you need to share, please do”, “If there is anything you need to tell me, just know that honesty will only build trust. And it’s best for us”, “If you’re totally honest with me, no matter the situation, that is the best way to build trust and respect”, “please talk to me if you have something you need to share”…. etc. I would say things such as this about once a day or every other day… I thought for sure he would get the idea that I knew something. But every time I would say something like this, he would respond with, “No, it’s all good.” Or “No, I can’t think of anything.” Every single time.
I should also add… The other impact it had on me during this time was I didn’t want him touching me or looking at me (undressed). I just couldn’t handle being compared to his “pixel queens”. He had been viewing women from college age and up… boobs, butts, v@gin@s, intercourse, orgies, orga$ms… all the parts… you name it… the whole kit & caboodle. I wanted NOTHING to do with him physically… and this time, I didn’t even want his eyes. I would fail miserably by comparison, no doubt.
A couple of weeks of waiting had passed and he had a business trip and wanted me to go. I resisted the idea. No way was I going to be trapped in a hotel room with this man… no space for “my space”. But he tried to assure me this would be good for us and maybe we could talk. Talk? Hm… ok. So, I agreed to go if he would agree to separate beds. He agreed. So we went, and I was hoping maybe this would be the “trust-building” time we needed.
We got there and he did his work stuff and said we could talk after his last meeting. I reminded him that honesty was by far the best policy and the only way to build trust…. and that if he had anything he needed to share, he could do so and I’d be prepared to accept whatever it may be. As long as he’s honest. Well… he came back from his meeting and didn’t really have a lot to say for quite a while. So finally, I tried to open the door by asking him, “Is there something you need to tell me?” And he replied with this… “I think I know why you keep saying that. And I want to share this with you… I’ve been getting pop-ups on my computer and I couldn’t figure out why. So I called my internet provider to try to fix the issue and they said that someone had broken through my firewall and had been using my internet… and he was obviously watching porn on my internet, and that’s the reason I was getting the pop-ups.” I questioned who and he proceeded to explain that “it had to be the guy next door to my office or the one below me. But I believe it’s the guy next door to mine. And anyway, I spent about 3 hours with them on the phone and it’s fixed.” I asked, “When was this?” He gave me a timeframe and it was _before_ our trip to NYC. So I questioned, “So you had pop-ups? Did you open them?” He said that he did not open them… “but when I saw the pop-ups, I PERHAPS lingered over them a little longer than I should have”. (yes, he said “perhaps”). I questioned, “how long?” He said no more than maybe 10 seconds. I went on to question how long this went on and he said “just a day… when it started happening, I got on the phone to get it fixed.” I said, “And it got fixed?” His response was, “Yes, it got fixed… it took about 3 hours, but it got handled. It doesn’t happen anymore.”
Needless to say, I knew he was as much a lying fool as he’d ever been. Trust was further destroyed… if that’s even possible. How can I ever trust or respect this man… ever?! Anyway… all I knew to do at that point was to pretend to accept it as truth. I had no idea how to handle this. So… I thanked him for his honesty. I thanked him for telling me and opening up about it. I also ended with… “If there’s ever more to the story, please come to me and talk to me. Honesty is so important in a marriage.” He thanked me and said he would. (it never happened).
At that point, I did ponder his explanation to see if there would be ANY truth I could get out of it (everything he says is suspect and can’t be trusted… but I want to know the truth)… and I spent the next couple of days…. hours on the phone, researching with Apple, Google, and leads that I had gotten to explore and gain research off the internet about his claim. His claim from all I could gather… was not even possible.
But what an elaborate lie!… it sounded almost believable. My friend rightfully pointed out that he had really thought this through. This was not an off-the-cuff lie. He had PLANNED out this lie and carried it out to the best of his ability.
So… I continued to just exist… I didn’t know what else to do. Just get through each day as it comes. Wake up, make it the best you can, and go to bed. And keep doing that. I continued to not want any physical contact with him… nor his eyes. I knew the truth. But now… not only did I know about the porn, but he added poison to the wound… his lies! It’s just worse. It just seems this man has no conscience. He wants me here to keep house, be here for his needs… that’s it.
Well, a couple of more weeks passed when he had another business trip. Again, he wanted me to go. To be honest, this time I just felt like I needed the time away. This trip, he would be staying at a fine resort on the ocean and working long hours. So… I made the same deal with him… 2 beds and I’ll go. He agreed.
We got there, and it was a gorgeous king suite. But under the circumstances, I was not a happy camper. But this time, he was truthful in trying to get the 2 beds. I called the front desk and asked to be switched, and she apologized and said that this was the only room they had left… and it was an upgrade, so she was hoping that we would be happy with that. Then… my husband surprised me by saying… “if you want, I’ll be glad to sleep on the couch.” Thinking this was one of his sly moves (that I’d turn into putty with his kind offer), I agreed and told him he could take the couch. I truly didn’t think he meant it, but he willingly made his bed. What I would give if we could get through issues and have healing for my marriage! I asked him if we could sit down and talk and he said yes. He said he’d skip a meeting and get done early the next day so we could have time to talk. He did! So the next day, I sat him down and showed him the screen shots I took from his iPad, showing his history and said, “I want you to look at what I found on your iPad. Anything you want to say?” At that point, he was like a deer in headlights and obviously had no argument. The proof was staring him in the face. He finally admitted he had been watching porn. (what else COULD he do though). He admitted to as much as I could prove. Is there more to it? Given the long ugly history with this man, I’d have to say… Most likely.
The next twist… (which I believe wholeheartedly is another lie). That iPad had almost 2 weeks worth of history on it and one mistake I made was sharing all of it with him… he saw what I saw. I showed all my cards. (I even told him what I found out in my research. And he admitted that he’d searched it out and watched it.) Well, he replied with the “promise” that he had ONLY viewed porn on those days that it showed on his iPad. He says it had not happened anytime before that first day shown, nor any day after the last one shown (mind you I didn’t confront this for over a month & the device was suddenly un-synced within a couple of hours of my discovery… and never showed ANY history after that… why?). So… he claims the ONLY time he had ever viewed porn was what I saw on his history…. multiple times a day almost every single day for nearly 2 weeks. But no more. Never before & never since. NOTHING in me believes that. What is your thought on this?
Time has passed. He seemed remorseful. He’s made his promises and we put the “safe-guards” in place, using Covenant Eyes accountability software. (however, there’s always a way around this… he has his own bank account and his own downtown office to which I have no key. Anybody can buy more devices). But he “appears” to be making some efforts.
Months have now passed and there are small improvements. Very small. But truthfully, most days I just feel like I have to resign myself to the way things are. For the sake of our family… for the sake of testimony… for the sake of nearly 30 years (and the precious moments sprinkled in those). And age… and fears… and honestly, at this point, I just don’t know how I’d ever love again… but I don’t want to die alone. There are still days (a lot!) that I don’t know how I can keep going… keep staying in this. But as of yet, I’m here. Truthfully, I just don’t see a happily ever after as even a remote possibility. So… I still consider the possibility of what may happen. It’s just so hard, and I live a day at a time…. not really knowing how long I can keep going. A day at a time.
The impact of porn has been huge. After trying to work through the blow of all this, it took some time to be intimate. I’m not sure what “normal” is, but for me… I joined a gym. I went online and made purchases for “night apparel”. Though people have repeatedly told me I look about 20 years younger than I am, and I’m not seen as overweight, I certainly didn’t feel pretty. In fact, I felt UGLY!…At least in my husband’s eyes. I’m obviously not enough. And I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be enough. And I just feel like I obviously didn’t measure up in his eyes. As long as I’m here and we’re trying to live through life together… I’d truly love nothing more than healing… STILL. I imagine no one can be married to a man for 30 years and be ok with his eyes being for other women. So anyway… that’s what I did. Normal? I wonder.
And it gets uglier… let’s just say, I have now put all my “night apparel” purchases in storage. It did not help.
Things aren’t really any better. We struggle. A LOT. I still catch him in lies. I still come in last place. He’s still a workaholic. He still puts forth so little effort. He still does things that cause further mistrust, even as recent as yesterday (it’s truly commonplace). I don’t know the future, though I’d like to. And I’d love nothing more than complete and total healing. Is it really even possible???
Well, I think healing is possible for YOU, because you want it.
But I don’t think that healing ever gets forced upon someone if they don’t want it, and it sounds to me like your husband is fine with the status quo, and has no desire for healing. I don’t think you can force someone into healing, I don’t think God forces people into healing. It really has to be their choice.
Now, I personally believe that you were free to go the first time your husband laid his hands on you. I’m sorry I don’t have a scripture verse for this, but I am 10,000% sure that a loving God is not okay with you being beaten up, any time, ever. Anybody who tries to use the Bible to prove that you can’t leave an abuser needs to get himself a millstone or two IMO. Here’s an article that might help you, called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
But that’s not really the issue here. The issue is that your kids are under his spell (very common with abusers) and you’ve been convinced that it’s all your fault and that if you were “enough” he would behave this way (also very common with abusers).
Please find yourself a therapist who can help you process all this, and figure out how to be healthy. You absolutely can have healing. I hope you will find a therapist and get on that path today.
Peace,
Kay
I would like to add a question. What if the wife watches it with him, texts him links to porn she knows he likes they can watch together gives him oral ANYTIME he asks and every morning he wakes up plus has sex anytime he wishes and he has asked her to please try to wake him before she decides to masturbate because he wants the chance to participate and help get her off and she says okay if you don’t watch porn alone and follow the same rule but then while looking at history sees the past two days after them agreeing to this he is still watching it even while sitting next to her? When he can obviously turn it on right in front of her as she would watch with him and or make love since her sex drive is just as high as his?
What about also the wife feeling insecure as he has had many sex partners before her some were not well matched with his looks and much older and he watches MILK genre? Sorry so long and run on sentences I am multi tasking. Thanks in advance any opionion will help for real!
This really becomes about your boundaries. What is healthy for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have? You might appreciate this perspective from The Gottman Institute about how porn can damage the intimacy of relationships. Dr. Gottman talks about the emotional trust of a relationship being built on those moments when we notice and attend to our partner. If all your spouse’s attention is on porn, he can’t be attending to the actual relationship in front of him–it’s really that simple. Perhaps it’s time to have that conversation with your husband.
Comment ? More like a question.
As I have read over and over, again and again. Watching porn and then madterbating is cheating.
It is one thing using porn for self gratification when you’re young or single is one thing but, using it exclusively for arousal and self gratification when you have been with your partner twenty four (24) years and she is lying in bed next to you.
Is this the reason that , although I have been totally manomous in our relationship and more faithful than an old dog, he keeps accusing me of cheating or at least trying to ?
I feel betrayed, I feel that the trust is gone. IM HURT !!!!!!!!
Am I wrong to feel like this ?
It makes me question everything. Am I still atactive ? Does he still love me ? Why is he watching red heads when he says he doesn’t like them and the mother of his daughter is a red head ? Have I lost it (sexually) ? Is he bored with my sex ? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? WHY IS HE CHEATING ON ME SO BLATENLY ?
I feel so horrible that I just want to leave him right now and never look back.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Hey Barbara,
In regards to his accusations of you cheating, that sounds like a defense mechanism on his part. Shame on the inside often turns into blame on the outside. He’s making these choices which he knows violate the emotional contract of your relationship, he feels ashamed, and in order to deal with his shame, he blames you of the very thing he’s ashamed of doing. Here’s a short animation on defense mechanisms that might help explain more.
Of course your trust is gone: he is not being trustworthy, and it’s unwise to place your trust in an untrustworthy person. In order to regain your trust, it’s his job to make himself trustworthy again, by trustworthy behavior over time.
Of course you are hurt: your partner is repeatedly violating the emotional contract of your relationship.
Nothing is wrong with you.
These are choices he is making.
You are not causing him to make these choices. He could make healthy choices if he wanted.
Here’s what you can do in response to this situation: choose healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.
Find a therapist who can help you process your emotions and support your healthy boundaries. Find a group for yourself. Access the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole for yourself. If you need to leave him in order to be healthy, that is a choice that is open to you. To put it in Christian terms, you are not a slave to sin, not even your partner’s sin. You’ve been set free for freedom and not to be enslaved ever again.
Peace,
Kay
Communication, communication, communication. If someone is that heated about you watching porn, might not be the right person for you. If you find someone who is fine with you watching it, might be the right person for you. Its hard to call something like this cheating or not cheating. Some people might say its cheating if you have sex with someone who is not your mate. Some people may say its not. Different people have different boundaries for different reasons. So like I said at the end of the day, the couple just needs to communicate.
Hello , since me and my husbabd met i talk to him how i consider porn cheating , he knew this all along , the first year of marriage i discover alot of porn in his phone it broke my heart , i was pregnant we talk and decided he was never going to watch it again , about 3 months later i found out he was doing it again which explain all nights me sleeping by myself and him inside his office ,,my Ex started talking to me and i went along with the conversation we talk about our past , and i didnt feel guilty due to my husband watching porn it was not the rigth thing to do from my part ,eventually he found out about my Ex ,i explain everything to him and we decided to have a fresh start one more time , 5 months ago i find porn again on his cellphone, long days of talk and making our marriage work for our Son and focusing on our marriage i forgive him again ,a week ago i now find out he is talking to a women sexting, and calling her during his lunch break he tells her he wants to rent a hotel and do stuff , i kept my mouth shut for a week i woke up in the middle of the night to find him in the living room watching porn again !!! Finally i have understand that the communication was always there he knew that porn was never welcome in our marriage.and he never care……. it is cheating !! 7 yrs of marriage he watch porn everychance he got ,hiding it from me , we are in the process of getting divorced
ANY Advice
So sorry to hear this. Here is an article that may be helpful. Please let us know if we can do anything else. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/10/18/the-sting-of-betrayal-when-your-husband-looks-at-porn/
Luke thank you for this article. I agree with you!
Jenna,
There are men twisting things. But there are also men out there totally sick of women acting like they’re perfect and everything is the man’s fault. Porn may be his weakness or problem, but what are yours? Are you even attempting to fix any of it or is everything his fault?
Thank you… It’s weird to me the rationalizing and justifying by several men on this comment thread. Look.. Call it what you want.. Cheating, adultery or just getting off to porn., But.. No matter how you look at it, You’re messing around. If you are looking at explicit sexual images on a screen for your own personal sexual gratification, apart from your mate, you are messing around. No need to dissect this article. It’s obvious that it’s infidelity because this extra marital sexual encounter lacks monogamy. You are either sexually monogamous with your mate or you’re not.
I second this. The way men in this thread are twisting themselves to justify it is gross. Let me translate what all the men who excuse porn are actually saying…
“I’m too lazy to evolve into a better man so I’m going to use misogyny as an excuse to not be better.”
It’s really pretty simple ladies, we just need to stop being in relationships with these kinds of men. Let them have all the porn they want – alone – without real intimacy and love in their lives. If women would stop putting up with men who don’t want to be better, they would no longer get the benefits of good women while staying stuck in their outdated ways. They’d be forced to look in the mirror and see that they are miserable as well and want to better for themselves first.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! No one has to be in a relationship where they are being mistreated in any way. Thanks for pointing this out, Jenna!
Have been with my husband 18 years. I have been watching porn about the same amount of time. Watching porn does not lead to actual physical cheating. My husband does not watch porn and it’s very rare that I can convince him to watch with me. But he has never and he should never feel like I’m cheating because I watch porn. The only thing porn does is get me very turned on and then we have amazing mind blowing sex. So no I don’t cheat on my husband because I watch porn every day.
I’m seriously shocked by comments. This is rediculous! So much talk of shame, sin, immorality…
Unfortunately this seems to be what religion does though (closes eyes to inconvenient truths). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people pursuing their own paths, beliefs, religious views, etc. But all I see here is a bunch of insecure people freaking out about something that should be considered nothing more than a tool to satisfy our more primal needs. Cause let’s get one thing straight. Sex is primal. Primal will always beat out higher thinking or make you miserable fighting it.
My spouse and I are in a committed, monogamous relationship (some may say it’s non-monogamous after reading, but we are 100% sexually exclusive) and work very different shifts (her, 7am to 3pm, me 9am to 9pm). We don’t get to spend a lot of time together which often means gaps in our sex life. Both her and I watch porn relatively regularly and it has 0 negative effect on us.
She uses it when I’m not around, I use it when she’s not around. It helps both of us deal with our desires when the other is not around. There’s less risk of us cheating, and we’re both less stressed not having to worry about whether we are able to fully satisfy one another whenever myself or she needs it. Saying porn is cheating because there’s a real person on the other end doesn’t cover porn very well either. Would cartoon porn not be cheating because it’s not a real person?
I just don’t get it. A relationship is built on trust, right? Trust that your spouse isn’t screwing someone on the side. Trust that they aren’t flirting at work. Trust that they aren’t messaging someone online. I can tell you one thing for sure. If we can’t have sex for a week because of our schedules, I would sure as hell have her look at porn before I’d have her text a coworker.
At the end of the day, people have needs. There’s too much happening in daily life for us to 100% satisfy all of them all the time. Another way to look at it is, sure, he/she on screen is a good looking person, but I don’t know them. I don’t care about them. They have their own lives and honestly, they’re probably pretty shallow people considering they’re in porn. I may enjoy looking st a nice set of boobs, or a great butt, or in my spouses case, a ripped back and nice muscles, but neither of us actually want that. We want each other. We know that and we trust each other. Everyone here who gets butthurt when their spouse looks at porn needs to stop being so selfish and realize that people aren’t doing that to look for an affair. They’re doing it because they don’t want to have an affair, they just wanna yank it and get on with their lives.
Also, heaven and hell are myths, as is god, as is the Holy Spirit. Anyone who makes the argument that it’s a sin and so is wrong, is wrong.
This article on “Is porn cheating”? as Boobleep above me says, is so full of “pseudoscience and misdirection and word games and its inability to discern fact from opinion’………………end quote, that it staggers me that an Organization as “Covenant eyes? can even exist at all and call itself “honest”
Not 1 verse from scripture is used to justify it’s retarded, puritanical outlook on sexuality, and there is a reason for that……It can’t be substantiated from scripture!
This is why no verses from scripture are given, instead, just a man’s opinions, and also why it uses the secular word “cheating” instead of the biblical word ADULTERY….They have to use the word cheating in order to propagate their anti-sexual agenda, as the word ADULTERY as defined by the BIBLE is far too narrow, to allow them to get away with this garbage they are trying to teach here
As the comment section has aptly proved by others in here, the whole foundation of this thread is absolute garbage, and pseudoscience bunk…..we’ve also had clear concise proof from the Greek words ἐπιθυμέω, μοιχεύω that Luke Gilkerson and Covenant Eyes have no idea what they’re talking about, and that they are in clear violation of the word of God for the sin of adding to scripture
Covenant eyes have no comprehension of what the word lust means, and how it is related to “COVET”, and why you cannot divorce the act from intention as they try to do….To accuse others of “cheating” for merely fantasizing about sex with someone else, especially when that person has no intention of committing the act, is an egregious sin that deserves God’s full approbation and wrath
As a Christian I am disgusted at this article and Covenant eyes for being purveyors of a guilt laden, pseudoscience, anti-sexual, puritanical bunch of garbage designed to attack sexuality, and in particular male sexuality under the guise of “pure Christianity”
I dare the administrators of Covenant eyes to not delete my comment because I want others who come to your web site to read my comment and be warned at how sinful this place really is
Thank you for your comment. I don’t mind accepting it at all. Also, your position is a clear lowering of the bar. I think the pharisees and Jewish leaders of Jesus’ time would greatly appreciate your proof texting, your narrow view of lust, and the necessity to link lust with action in order to arrive at something that is despicable in the eyes of a Holy God. From what I can tell from the overall narrative of the Gospels, Jesus made it a common practice to RAISE the bar, detatch action from intention, and say, “hey, look at the heart. What’s really going on in there? If I dig into your heart, you are lusting after that woman, and that’s wrong. Knock it off.” [broad paraphrase of Matthew 5:28] Adding a bit of personal attack toward Luke doesn’t help convince anyone of your position. But, from reading your comments on other blogs and on YouTube (same username), it’s clear that you’re not interested in constructive debate or dialogue. You use the phrase “as a Christian” – I think many of the faithful would find your approach unsettling.
Chris
Amen….
What constitutes cheating is determined by the consenting adults involved in the relationship (however many that may be) and is no business of yours.
Finally. Higher thinking. Is religion not exhausting?