Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post do not reflect the official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
I’ve heard it said that there are men who don’t look at porn, and then there are men who are breathing. If recent surveys are any indication, porn use has become the norm among men, not the exception.
Still, I get a lot of questions from women who are feeling the heartbreaking impact of porn on their marriages. To them porn feels like cheating, and for good reason.
It is.
I understand why many don’t think this is true (reasons I’ll address below), but first, it is important that I define some terms.
By “using porn” I don’t mean merely seeing it. It’s hard not to walk about in public places or go online without seeing something that is at least meant to titillate the eyes of men. When I say “using” I mean intentionally taking porn in through one’s senses with the intention of being turned on and then, most likely, masturbating or at least getting sexually aroused.
By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”
The Slippery Porn Slope
Take some steps with me down a morally slippery slope.
Step 1: Let’s say I were to visit a prostitute and have sex with her. That would be cheating on my wife. I assume no one would debate me on this point.
Step 2: However, let’s say that when I met with the prostitute we didn’t actually touch each other: I just watched her have sex with someone else while I masturbated in the same room. (Weird, I know. But just go with it.) Would that be cheating? Both in this case and in the previous case I am seeking the services of a prostituted woman for sexual pleasure—seeking out and enjoying the body of a woman who is not my wife in order to be sexually gratified.
Could a man rightly say, “Yes, I pleasured myself in front of a hooker, but we didn’t touch each other. I stayed faithful to you”? I don’t think so. The pretense of no physical contact doesn’t matter because the action still violates the spirit of sexual exclusivity.
Step 3: However, let’s say I didn’t visit the prostitute in person but only interacted with her online through erotic video chat. Let’s say I masturbated during the chat session while using the video image as the source of my fantasy. Is this cheating? Has the lack of physical proximity suddenly changed the situation that it is no longer breaking my marriage vow? I don’t think so.
Step 4: Now let’s say that instead of engaging in the video chat live, the prostitute recorded herself for me so I could masturbate at my convenience. Is this still cheating? Am I now suddenly remaining faithful to my marriage vows because someone hit the record button? No. That’s just stupid.
Step 5: Now let’s say the prostitute has a business card with a fancy title on it: “Pornographic Actress.” She even has a website with a resume listing of all the films she’s been in. Her pimp—I mean, agent—pays taxes and everything. Totally legit. Let’s say I reach out to this prostitute and pay her to view her recorded videos which she gladly sells me. Is this cheating? Does the change in title and the veneer of professionalism change the nature of the act? No.
Step 6: Now let’s say that this entire enterprise is industrialized so that this woman is part of a large network of other prostitutes who are doing the same thing. Much like walking into a brothel, I can pick the woman I want when I want, pay my fee, and enjoy her body for my lustful purposes. Is this cheating? What about the industrialized nature of the product changes the nature of the act? Nothing.
And on this last step we have arrived at what the modern porn industry is. This is why using pornography is cheating. It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.
Hold On, I’m Not Convinced.
I can hear the screeching of mental breaks right about now. Many are thinking, “Wait a second. Something major has shifted between the first scenario and the last. No one sees porn as digital prostitution. If this was the way our culture understood porn, it might be one thing. But very few people who watch porn go online thinking, ‘I can’t wait to get sexual gratification from a digital prostitute.'”
This is a good objection. After all, motive and intention count for something when it comes to the promises or vows we make. If I sign a contract saying I will not share proprietary information from my employer, but then forward a work e-mail along to a friend, not knowing it counts as “proprietary,” I’m not guilty of intentionally breaking my promise (even if my employer has grounds to fire me). Someone who uses porn might think along the same lines: “I’m just watching video clips made by actors and actresses, not intentionally seeking digital interactions with a prostitute.”
I agree, but motives only carry some of the weight when it comes to our moral decisions. The above slippery slope is not as much about motives as it is about the nature of the actions. Behind the making of pornography are real people really selling themselves for the sexual gratification of viewers. The medium doesn’t change the fact that a prostituted woman was used for her body and sex appeal, no matter the viewer’s understanding of the act.
This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.
[Tweet “Seeking out porn is engagement with a digital prostitute. #pornischeating”]
Why Cheating Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
However, by saying that using porn is breaking a marriage vow, I am not prescribing a specific reaction we should have to it. The six-step slippery slope presents six different scenarios, each having their own gravity of offense. They may all be cheating, but they all show different levels of intensity.
We need to turn the tables on those who ask, “Is using porn cheating?” and address why it matters.
- For some, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they bring a lot of baggage with the question. They think, “Since porn is cheating, I can never forgive you.” “Since porn is cheating, I have grounds to divorce you—and I will.” “Since porn is cheating, I will lash out and cheat on you.” These dispositions are, quite frankly, completely separate issues to address. To say a man has broken his marriage vow by seeking out porn is one thing. To say that he cannot be forgiven, that he should be divorced, or that he deserves revenge are other matters altogether.
- For others, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they simply want their spouse to know that when they said, “I do,” they expected a spirit of monogamy. Yes, the world is full of sexual temptations. Yes, they know their spouse is full of hormones and attracted to other people walking about in the world. But they expected to be the focus of their spouse’s sexual energy, attention, and devotion. When they vowed to “forsake all others,” that is what they promised and what they expected in return.
The Heart of the Matter
Two facts lie at the heart of the issue.
First, people often desire the perks of marriage, but marriage vows are not taken seriously. As such, we find ourselves straddling two worlds. In one world, we embrace an idyllic picture of finding “the one,” growing old together, loving and serving another person until death we do part. In the other world, we enjoy the convenience and self-centeredness of solo-sex in front of the computer screen. These two worlds mix like oil and water in our miry hearts. Before long, you will either have to abandon pornography or abandon a genuine spirit of monogamy.
Second, people have been blinded by the sense of distance the digital world places between ourselves and the real world. We believe something doesn’t count as much if it is “online” or “on television” or “just fantasy.” We rename offenses: stealing becomes downloading, cruelty becomes speaking one’s mind, and exploitation becomes entertainment. We have settled for what Chris Hedges calls an empire of illusion. “Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation,” Hedges writes. “It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”
So, He’s Cheating. Now What?
If your husband (or wife) is engrossed in porn, you are right to feel like this is cheating. He is defrauding you of something that should be your exclusive domain. You are not a prude for thinking this. You just take your vows seriously, as everyone should.
But where do you go from here? Start by getting educated about the addictive nature of pornography and the steps other couples have taken to take a new direction. Read, “6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts.”
As a woman in a loving committed relationship, this is complete bull***.
Hell, as a person who simply prefers that if you’re going to take the time to write an article on some opinion of yours that you also take the time to thoughtfully construct a compelling argument grounded in logic, this is bull***.
If I pull out a gun and shoot you in the face I’ve violently murdered you and committed a crime, right?
(Insert list of increasingly irrelevant scenarios that use quirky, forced wording that vaguely link each successive bullet point).
So, if I watch a violent movie where someone of your same gender and kind of has similar physical appearance as you dies and I give that movie a decent review online, I’ve basically committed a violent crime against you as horrible as carrying out a desire and intent to murder you.
You can clearly see that the first and last situations are literally the same thing because I can use the same words to describe them, such as “violent”, “crime”, and “murder”. It is an infallible fact that both are murder and criminal.
Not convinced because you can see how large of a leap I had to make between the two? In fact, such a large leap that I myself have to stop and acknowledge it myself?
We’ll be reassured by me giving a vague and easily interchangeable metaphor about intent when in regards to workplace issues of legality, because I’ll just either ignore or spontaneously forget the root of your skepticism that I just acknowledged, that being that my reasoning given thus far is weak, flimsy, and based on word games and jumping to far off, illogical conclusions that are, at best, my personal opinions. I mean, if I were a janitor and I mopped the floor and I put a wet floor sign down at the opposite side of the hall, but my boss doesn’t bother looking around enough to see it or communicating with me who is right next to them and just assumes the floor should be dry and he/she slips and hurts themselves, was my intention good? Sure, but not really because you should have known your boss walks through that particular hall at roughly that time and also your boss technically could fire you despite apparently never informing you of the expected protocols you broke in order to be fired.
^This isn’t a list of reasons that prove your opinion as fact, it’s a laughable attempt to push your opinion, although all give you credit for the skilled bullshitting.
I’ve had a partner who did cheat and for me personally, it was the personal connection with the person he cheated with that was the issue, not that I needed to own his body or sexuality exclusively. That same partner did try to own my sexuality and my body exclusively and it was not right, loving, or healthy in any way. My personality naturally lends to being the master of my own sexuality, for me exuding the charm and a sauve demeanor that makes up a key component of my personality sometimes comes across as flirtatious or seductive and many people find me attractive, not to be conceited. I’m also unapologetically proud of my body that I work hard to maintain, I wear form flattering clothing and in the summer I wear shorts and bikinis and while I blush and walk on when my physique is complimented by the abrupt cat-call on the street, I don’t take offense to the attention this gets me. My ex did not like this, insisted I didn’t wear shorts or summer dresses, not even around the house, and that I not talk to men or women who complimented me too much without him there and, even then, was limited on how much interaction I could have. If I did not abide and suppress my very nature, he would become violently jealous and possessive. I hated being repressed for perceived possibilities of indiscretions that I had no intention of happening, much like a woman repressing a man natural urge to masturbate to porn because it’s the precived notion that he’s imagining having sex with that porn actress or “digital prostitute”, as it’s so ignorantly put in this article. Watching porn isn’t about getting the image of a woman to imagine having sex with, it’s watching a sex act that is completely disembodied from yourself and your life. I myself watch porn and so does my current partner, sometimes we watch together, some times we use it as a tool to lovingly explore what kind of experiences we’d like to try with each other. I never imagine myself having sex with those men and women and, to the best of my knowledge, neither does my significant other; it’s about the act or experience the people were watching are having.
But regardless, feel free to shove you’re pseudoscience and your misdirection word games and your inability to discern fact from opinion and shove it up your a**.
Well, you have certainly offered your opinion! Each of us is entitled to do that. If you disagree with our content, then I simply invite you to head to another website that mirrors your sexual ethics. Pesudoscience and misdirection? We think it’s difficult to ignore a growing line of non-religious people who agree that a porn-free life is just a better life. http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/; https://addictedtointernetporn.com/?author=1; http://www.rebootnation.org;
Please ask your significant other about what the porn does to his thought life. Maybe he’s stronger than I was, mentally, because those experiences stuck to me. Super hard to forget.
I wish you well, Chris
Mmmmmm. Slippery Porn Slope
If she’s watching porn at the same time, then yes it is.
So if a woman uses a vibrator/dildo is that cheating as well???
I totally consider it cheating as I write this with tears weeping down my face and a man yelling at me how I’m overreacting the point is he is imagining of that other woman who is me and getting off. Months ago he told me I could watch porn it’s bad and asked if I imagine then I told him no I imagine him and he said then I shouldn’t need that and that was enough their for to not do it again cause I know it hurt him and was morally wrong my sexual desire is me helping him.
I don’t think it can be said that breaking marriage vows and cheating are one and the same. Relationships can exist before marriage; and wedding oaths cover a variety of things, they are terms of a contract and don’t seek to define what is and isn’t cheating.
With your rationale, any person who has intercourse outside of their relationship, provided they aren’t married, cannot be cheating as they haven’t broken a vow. Therefore, watching porn may be breaking oath, but that is all.
Cheating is a much more individual and malleable term that is up to the specific couple to decide. Using porn may be cheating if a couple decide that it is, in the same way, if a couple agree on an open relationship, having sex with other people would not be cheating; regardless of whether I personally agree with it.
To me, as a broad statement: I don’t consider using porn as cheating. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule: I wouldn’t want my significant other paying to subscribe to a specific woman’s videos, or paying for porn in general. There needs to be a level of ‘interaction.’; a typical porn user is watching it to get off, there is no interaction between them and the pornstar; interaction can be anything from physically touching, to passing of money with no other communication. They’ve in some way reached out to that person, which goes beyond the boundary of what is acceptable.
Simply watching porn is different but equally as ‘blameworthy’ as reading a romance book, watching a romcom or having a celeb crush. In one instance we have no interaction but lust, and in the other there is no interaction but romantic feelings.
However that is just my personal stance on things, what constitutes as cheating is for two people to decide amongst themselves; so if you consider it cheating I understand.
Your view is a little extreme, yet I respect it. Some guys (like myself) are stuck in sexless marriages, where they end up resenting their marriage vows. Talking about sex (or the mundane state of it) causes the wife to cringe and make her complain “that she is not my prostitute”. What other outlet does a guy have if he is constantly shouted down or met with resentment when wanting to discuss sex and not seek an extramarital affair or go nuts?I do not indulge in exploitative or violent pornography and most actresses enter into the business of their free will. My wife has claims that porn has given me “unrealistic expectations” when it comes to the bedroom. It seems my unrealistic expectations are a) she might smile and enjoy sex with her husband and b) a plumber will turn up on time. Hasn’t she committed something as bad as “cheating” by choosing celibacy for her husband where she has no right to do so without consequences?
Just happened upon your comment, and I’d like to say:
I think that’s such a terrible thing to be enduring and I admire you for sticking to just porn when many other men wouldn’t. I’m not promiscuous, but I’ve never had any qualms about making love – and experimenting – in the bedroom with a man I love; so it baffles me as to how other women can be so conservative, maybe outside of a marriage, but with their husbands? To me, to love someone means to want to make them happy. Monogamy is exclusivity to one person, not absolving from sex all together, I think she’s being wildly unfair and unkind to you; but I doubt she’s conscious of it.
Also, I don’t believe that ‘unrealistic expectations’ come from porn. If a person has a strange kink, they’re simply into it, porn only inspires people who already have underlying dispositions. I could watch skat for years and still not be interested in it. It may be more impressionable to young or vulnerable people, but apart from that, not.
I wouldn’t say it was as blameworthy as cheating, but certainly bad, and enough to justify you watching porn by far.
Have you tried telling her how you feel? And explaining to her that prostitutes are not the same as a woman having sex with her husband, it is why we have romantic feelings in the first place, to urge us to pro-create (Cough, cough, do the dirty), and that sex is an integral aspect to marriage, it can even be annulled, invalidated, if a couple have never slept together, that’s how important it is.
For this comment, I’m going to assume that by using the word ‘cheating’ that we are really meaning adultery, not the feeling and the word that we use when we are in in school, where a boyfriend ‘cheated’ on you, because it’s not the same.
If you actually read and understand the bible, it defines adultery as sexual relations between a married man and a woman other than his wife (Mark 10:11-12). We all know that sexual relations refers to a physical affair especially sexual intercourse. Therefore, adultery or cheating as we call it, only occurs when there has been physical sexual contact between a married man or woman to someone other than their spouse; Leviticus 20:10 states the following: “And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”.
So it has to be a man and a woman, two people. Pornography, no matter how disgusting, is a one man/woman show. There are no other people involved. I don’t image many people who watch pornography, ever meet any of these women and have sexual relations with them. Therefore, it can not be called adultery, according to the bible. And yes, the bible says “You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) But it says he commits adultery in his heart. It does not say that he has had physical, sexual relations with the woman.
So why do Christians think that pornography is cheating and they should be free to divorce their spouse? If that were so, then every married man or woman who has ever looked upon someone, other than their spouse, with lust, has committed adultery and therefore can be divorced according to scripture. It is not so. Also, the bible says, “Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” (1 John 3:15). So by the previous logic, if someone hates their brother, then should we throw them in jail because they are a murderer? Of course we don’t and of course they aren’t.
And here is why it might not be considered cheating:
Your mistake starts here: “This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity” and the unanswered question what that means. For me that means, I am going to exclusively have sexual interactions with my wife. Now steps 1-3 include interactions (at least in describing what you want) and step 4 might include interaction if you tell her what to record, but steps 5 and 6… They don’t. So I can watch it and still remain the sexual exclusivity.
The other problem is the “forsaken all others” part. As far as I found out in a quick research it originally meant to leave father and mother and join the new family… Even if you see it as “leaving everyone else behind” like the words intend there is no description in how to do it and it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look at a woman lustfully (if you want to argue like that you better quote Matthew 5:27-30 instead of some interchangeable vow out of the 16th century…)
I am not saying it can’t be cheating, it’s all up to your personal agreements with your husband/wife and up to your personal believe. But this “logical proof” of porn being cheating has a few big flaws.
I’m in a similar situation with my fiancé it seems. I feel I can’t trust him as he has lied to me face to face several times about using porn. I moved in with him under very difficult circumstances at the end of last year, I found out after a few weeks that he’d been using porn to masturbate to while I was in the house with him. I knew he did this before I moved in and didn’t like it as it affected our sex life but he promised me on several occasions that he wasn’t doing it any more. I found evidence and after a bit of a confrontation he gave his laptop to me “to avoid temptation”. A few weeks later I discovered he was viewing some “adult” dvd’s he bought before we met. He gave them to me and since then our sex life improved, he was better able to get and maintain an erection. I was finally feeling like maybe I can begin to trust him again when I discovered last night that he’d ordered another dvd online (he only likes lesbian stuff, I’m not sure if that makes it worse or not!), not only that but he’d done it while he was at his mother’s last week for dinner, and the parcel was delivered to her house. She’s due round this weekend and I’m guessing she’ll try and bring it with her secretly. It seems the film is soft porn from what I can gather but I now feel betrayed all over again, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it didn’t affect us but it does in a big way, and I don’t know how I can trust him again.
Trust is something we give to trustworthy people. And the only way we can know if a person is trustworthy is by their trustworthy behavior over time. If a person persistently behaves in untrustworthy ways, it’s unwise to trust. That leaves us in a difficult position sometimes: will we trust ourselves and the knowledge we have, or will we ignore what we know and continue to allow ourselves to enter into situations with a person whose behavior is not trustworthy? It’s a tough call. Peace to you, Kay