Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post do not reflect the official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
I’ve heard it said that there are men who don’t look at porn, and then there are men who are breathing. If recent surveys are any indication, porn use has become the norm among men, not the exception.
Still, I get a lot of questions from women who are feeling the heartbreaking impact of porn on their marriages. To them porn feels like cheating, and for good reason.
It is.
I understand why many don’t think this is true (reasons I’ll address below), but first, it is important that I define some terms.
By “using porn” I don’t mean merely seeing it. It’s hard not to walk about in public places or go online without seeing something that is at least meant to titillate the eyes of men. When I say “using” I mean intentionally taking porn in through one’s senses with the intention of being turned on and then, most likely, masturbating or at least getting sexually aroused.
By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”
The Slippery Porn Slope
Take some steps with me down a morally slippery slope.
Step 1: Let’s say I were to visit a prostitute and have sex with her. That would be cheating on my wife. I assume no one would debate me on this point.
Step 2: However, let’s say that when I met with the prostitute we didn’t actually touch each other: I just watched her have sex with someone else while I masturbated in the same room. (Weird, I know. But just go with it.) Would that be cheating? Both in this case and in the previous case I am seeking the services of a prostituted woman for sexual pleasure—seeking out and enjoying the body of a woman who is not my wife in order to be sexually gratified.
Could a man rightly say, “Yes, I pleasured myself in front of a hooker, but we didn’t touch each other. I stayed faithful to you”? I don’t think so. The pretense of no physical contact doesn’t matter because the action still violates the spirit of sexual exclusivity.
Step 3: However, let’s say I didn’t visit the prostitute in person but only interacted with her online through erotic video chat. Let’s say I masturbated during the chat session while using the video image as the source of my fantasy. Is this cheating? Has the lack of physical proximity suddenly changed the situation that it is no longer breaking my marriage vow? I don’t think so.
Step 4: Now let’s say that instead of engaging in the video chat live, the prostitute recorded herself for me so I could masturbate at my convenience. Is this still cheating? Am I now suddenly remaining faithful to my marriage vows because someone hit the record button? No. That’s just stupid.
Step 5: Now let’s say the prostitute has a business card with a fancy title on it: “Pornographic Actress.” She even has a website with a resume listing of all the films she’s been in. Her pimp—I mean, agent—pays taxes and everything. Totally legit. Let’s say I reach out to this prostitute and pay her to view her recorded videos which she gladly sells me. Is this cheating? Does the change in title and the veneer of professionalism change the nature of the act? No.
Step 6: Now let’s say that this entire enterprise is industrialized so that this woman is part of a large network of other prostitutes who are doing the same thing. Much like walking into a brothel, I can pick the woman I want when I want, pay my fee, and enjoy her body for my lustful purposes. Is this cheating? What about the industrialized nature of the product changes the nature of the act? Nothing.
And on this last step we have arrived at what the modern porn industry is. This is why using pornography is cheating. It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.
Hold On, I’m Not Convinced.
I can hear the screeching of mental breaks right about now. Many are thinking, “Wait a second. Something major has shifted between the first scenario and the last. No one sees porn as digital prostitution. If this was the way our culture understood porn, it might be one thing. But very few people who watch porn go online thinking, ‘I can’t wait to get sexual gratification from a digital prostitute.'”
This is a good objection. After all, motive and intention count for something when it comes to the promises or vows we make. If I sign a contract saying I will not share proprietary information from my employer, but then forward a work e-mail along to a friend, not knowing it counts as “proprietary,” I’m not guilty of intentionally breaking my promise (even if my employer has grounds to fire me). Someone who uses porn might think along the same lines: “I’m just watching video clips made by actors and actresses, not intentionally seeking digital interactions with a prostitute.”
I agree, but motives only carry some of the weight when it comes to our moral decisions. The above slippery slope is not as much about motives as it is about the nature of the actions. Behind the making of pornography are real people really selling themselves for the sexual gratification of viewers. The medium doesn’t change the fact that a prostituted woman was used for her body and sex appeal, no matter the viewer’s understanding of the act.
This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.
[Tweet “Seeking out porn is engagement with a digital prostitute. #pornischeating”]
Why Cheating Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
However, by saying that using porn is breaking a marriage vow, I am not prescribing a specific reaction we should have to it. The six-step slippery slope presents six different scenarios, each having their own gravity of offense. They may all be cheating, but they all show different levels of intensity.
We need to turn the tables on those who ask, “Is using porn cheating?” and address why it matters.
- For some, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they bring a lot of baggage with the question. They think, “Since porn is cheating, I can never forgive you.” “Since porn is cheating, I have grounds to divorce you—and I will.” “Since porn is cheating, I will lash out and cheat on you.” These dispositions are, quite frankly, completely separate issues to address. To say a man has broken his marriage vow by seeking out porn is one thing. To say that he cannot be forgiven, that he should be divorced, or that he deserves revenge are other matters altogether.
- For others, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they simply want their spouse to know that when they said, “I do,” they expected a spirit of monogamy. Yes, the world is full of sexual temptations. Yes, they know their spouse is full of hormones and attracted to other people walking about in the world. But they expected to be the focus of their spouse’s sexual energy, attention, and devotion. When they vowed to “forsake all others,” that is what they promised and what they expected in return.
The Heart of the Matter
Two facts lie at the heart of the issue.
First, people often desire the perks of marriage, but marriage vows are not taken seriously. As such, we find ourselves straddling two worlds. In one world, we embrace an idyllic picture of finding “the one,” growing old together, loving and serving another person until death we do part. In the other world, we enjoy the convenience and self-centeredness of solo-sex in front of the computer screen. These two worlds mix like oil and water in our miry hearts. Before long, you will either have to abandon pornography or abandon a genuine spirit of monogamy.
Second, people have been blinded by the sense of distance the digital world places between ourselves and the real world. We believe something doesn’t count as much if it is “online” or “on television” or “just fantasy.” We rename offenses: stealing becomes downloading, cruelty becomes speaking one’s mind, and exploitation becomes entertainment. We have settled for what Chris Hedges calls an empire of illusion. “Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation,” Hedges writes. “It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”
So, He’s Cheating. Now What?
If your husband (or wife) is engrossed in porn, you are right to feel like this is cheating. He is defrauding you of something that should be your exclusive domain. You are not a prude for thinking this. You just take your vows seriously, as everyone should.
But where do you go from here? Start by getting educated about the addictive nature of pornography and the steps other couples have taken to take a new direction. Read, “6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts.”
Thank you for your feedback Kay. I often wonder why we seek out advice on situations we know are not healthy for us, and why we tend to ignore our intuitions. I guess for myself, I just need some reassurance, even from a stranger, that what I’m feeling is valid. And my decision to leave and move on with my life isn’t selfish or in haste. I keep telling myself that he is a good, kind, considerate, loving, and sweet man…but the lack of action on his part to not only show me behavior consistent with remedying the issue, but the sheer inconsiderate nature of the bahavior that got us here is definitely to the contrary. Thank you for taking time to let me know that I have done all that I can. Hopefully he will get help, for himself and subsequent romantic relationships. But I can no longer wait for someone to do something about their issue. No one is perfect, but I deserve someone that will not only respect me without being provoked to do so.
Well, I think when we’re absorbed in an unhealthy relationship, we stop trusting God to guide us, and instead we get caught up in the other person’s mess. It’s kind of normal, really!
It’s so sad! Of course you’d love for the relationship to work! But eventually we have to face the reality of free will. It’s not our job to control others. We can and should care about them, but we can’t control them. We can only make healthy choices for ourselves, and hope that they do the same.
I have been in a virtually sexless relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I’ve tried discussing with him many times about feeling neglected in this area of our relationship, and what could possibly be going on to cause him to not be interested in being physically intimate with me. At first, he offered several explanations ranging from conditions or circumstances not being right to the fact that he’s just never been a sexual person. He would always just say that he would fix it, and also confided that previous relationships had ultimately ended because of this issue.
Not really ever feeling that I was getting anywhere, I decided to back off and allow him to try and “fix it”. But I recently found a post it note where he had written a dozen names of porn stars. I questioned him about it, and he told me it was from before we met. As odd as it was, without any evidence that he was lying, I believed him. Yet there was still that nagging feeling that something was going on. So, I checked the internet history on his phone…and there it was. He had been viewing porn practically every single day.
Obviously I am hurt by this, but what really hurts is that I have shared with him that my previous marriage was destroyed by this very thing, and that it was one of the most painful times in my life. He told me that for him, it was purely a habit, he would just stop. I asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses and doesn’t believe that his habit is to that extent. I asked him to go to the doctor to have his T checked considering he seemed to have issues with getting aroused with me. To this he agreed, but in two months, has not done. We haven’t been intimate in over 3 months now, and I’m ready to walk away.
Any advice?
I think your readiness to walk away indicates a wise choice for a healthy future for yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s not ready to take action and deal with his choices and behaviors. Until he’s able to do that, he’s going to continue to struggle. His lack of sexual ability or interest is certainly a huge warning sign of serious issues. Erectile dysfunction is a very common side effect of serious porn use.
Your gut is right! Heed the gut!
I think it would be very enlightening to ask the following questions of anyone who is angry or hurt by his/her partner watching porn.
1. Do you masturbate? If yes…
2. Do you fantasize while masturbating? If yes…
3. Do you ever fantasize about activities that you don’t engage in with your partner during sex or do you only imagine the same activities that you actually do engage in with your partner?
4. Is the partner in your fantasies always your real life partner or do you ever imagine anyone else? Someone you know, a celebrity, or even a fabricated person – nameless and faceless but still distinctly NOT your real life partner?
If you answered yes to these questions, you might want to re-examine your vilification of your partner for watching porn when what you do while masturbating is substantively no different. You imagine porn in your head and your partner watched it on a screen. No real difference there.
I agree!! What you said really hits the nail on the head. It’s lustful desires in the heart.. Desiring someone outside your partner IS wrong! Where pornography is unique, I think, is it can wrap its tentacles around a man’s mind that mental fantasies cannot and can seriously torture a wife (we can’t even check out our groceries without being reminded of the “perfect,” young options for our husband’s fantasies). And that’s the thing.. Looking at the objects of lust only reminds a man of all the other “perfect” options out there and increases his dissatisfaction with his real, aging and flawed partner. Also, studies have proven how indulging in pornographic images/videos can dramatically warp a man’s mind about women in general. This can also be true for women, of course, but this post is specific to men.
But, I think you have a great point!
I have to say that when I masturbate (which is rare to begin with as I prefer my husband) I am only thinking of him. This is not to pass judgement or “side” with anyone. I find my husband extremely attractive…even as he continues to age. He just seems to get hotter and hotter…and this is even though we are having serious marital problems right now. Ironically, our troubles are based on sex. That I don’t want him enough or I don’t initiate it enough…which is true. But it is due to his lack of respect and adoration of me (something he gave me when I met him, dated him and married him) which is gone now…so I feel someone demoralized having sex with him. That was all probably a bit too much information. But bottom line, no, I do not fantasize about others sexually. Just him. But I do find myself fantasizing about the respect and adoration he had for me and viewing that person from before as a completely different person now.
My response to all of the above is “sneaking around, lying, being deceitful, opting to sit in and watch porn rather than spend time with your wife/family/friends and spend what transpires to be possibly £1000s on porn is not the same as fantasising in your own head! When you commit to marriage, you are vowing to be open and honest, not to have what is ultimately another life online. I obviously don’t know your circumstances but from someone who is not a prude, has always been a sexual person, in fact wanting more sex with my husband and has recently discovered a secret “porn addiction” I can tell you it is the secrecy, deceit and betrayl that are like a million daggers to the heart.”
Rob, I am 61 yrs old and sex for me is being with my husband and always thinking only of my husband. I promised him those things in my marriage vows and I keep my promises. We have been married 32 yrs and my husband recently told me that he spent 25 of those yrs with porn, lust, fantasy & masturbation. And yes, I am completely devastated. I know many women (young and old), like myself. I am not a unique woman and for the most part we are not the same as men.
For those “Christian” husbands (and some wives!) still defending their pornography use, you should know Jesus permits divorce for issues of sexual immorality or unchastity. A lot of people misquote Him saying “adultery.” Oh no… The actually Greek word is “porneia.” Matthew 19:9 says: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for porneia (sexual immorality), and marries another woman commits adultery.” So to married people who are struggling with stopping, PLEASE take notice… God is telling us how badly this hurts a spouse and the marital bond! He permits divorce (which He HATES) over this issue of porneia. Save yourself before Satan steals the beauty from your life!
To other hurt spouses out there, I do not want that scripture to cause you to stumble. God definitely prefers reconciliation over divorce.. Go to the throne (of God) before the courthouse! In my case, I BURIED my face in the bible and prayer! I cried more to God (and still do) than I ever have in my life. I began to extend grace as best as I could to my husband. But, he also realized what he did absolutely devastated me and is remorseful over it. We are on the road to recovery. Not fully recovered, no.. But God is restoring us!!
You absolutely nailed it. I have tried to reconcile. I have been to counselor after counselor. I have heard every promise. He has assured me every time that he was delivered. Every time his porn addiction was worse, until finally he started looking at teen porn. I forgave every time, but that doesn’t fix it. Now I think he may be finally done with it, but after 12 years of this, I am done with him, and I am not willing to wait around to see if he is finally done with it…this time. Honestly the damage is done. No matter how much I forgive him, the trust is gone. I just can’t live like this anymore with locks on the computers, making sure he isn’t left home alone, sneaking down the hall with my heart pounding in the middle of the night because he isn’t in bed and I am afraid of what I will catch him doing. I may forgive, but I cannot receive love from him. Even in intimate times, actually especially in intimate times, there are thousands of women between us, making me feel compared, making me feel settled for, making me feel like nothing special to him…just another one. Thank you for what you said HurtWife. You are completely right. I have studied this, and Jesus DID say *porneia* which does mean any kind of sexual immorality. Tell it like it is. I’m tired of people justifying porn as though it is an excusable act.
You might also be interested in looking at this article from The Gottman Institute. They’re the foremost marriage and relationship researchers in the world, and they recently came out against porn, citing the harm to relationships. You’re not making this up! Peace to you, Kay
And yes as a hurt wife here who masterbates. When I do yes I think of him and what I would like him to do I don’t watch porn haven’t since he told me he didn’t want me to. But then months down the road I see he is watching porn and for hours not only that but has turned me down for sex I know he has masterbates to these and all in all cheating is when u actively emerse your one self in any sexual act. So yes watching porn and masterbating to it he has to finish by make believing he is there so yes it’s cheating and committing adultery
Thanks for this post. As a betrayed wife (who was very loving and attentive) I can say that it is most certainly cheating. It doesn’t just “feel” like it, it absolutely is. Much of the pornography is geared to make a man not only a viewer but a participant. Camera angles and such are placed in a way that hides the male actor at times, but shows the woman in totality, making a porn user feels HE is the one WITH the woman. When someone views porn and couples that with masturbation, they are ENTERING the fantasy. The “fantasy” now has a very tangible connection to his physical being. HE is now the man in the coupling… it’s just him and her in that moment. The remorse many husbands feel afterward, I believe, is knowing in that moment his wife didn’t matter.. Their vows didn’t matter. Pornography is death and destruction.
Really , some mothers do have em .
So studies estimate well over 50 percent of women and 80 percent of men mastubrbate .
Now are you all really trying to say that of that 50 percent of women who masterbate don’t fantasise to reach orgasm , or do they only masturbate exclusively fantasising about their partner ?hmmm I’m guessing they use images and thoughts of other men to reach orgasm…
Which according to this hogwash is cheating ..
I’m calling a spade a spade and unless you are having sexual intercourse or any other physical sexual activity with an actual person then you are not cheating sexually .maybe you are not being totally honest with your partner but you are not cheating ..
Look up the meaning of cheating and not being honest in certain context to facilitate cheating could be classed as making cheating possible but not being honest is not another word for cheating
That would make mastubating pointless !
Please help me here my husband admits it says he is struggling but yet says he can NOT promise to stop!?
Hi Marci – does he want to stop? Here’s one of our most popular e-books for people who really want to quit, understand the impact of porn, and steps to overcome: https://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/
Everyone has their own opinions. Depending on thier foundations and beliefs and maybe current activities and unwillingness to stop or feel convicted.
A screen inbetween the act doesn’t change the feels and desire.
To be devoted to someone and promise to them to be the only one to them and then to look at another woman in a way that you SHOULD only reserve for your wife or husband and play out a sacrid activity with them in their head is completely cheating.
Out of the thoughts come out actions. And this isn’t just thinking about it it is participating as close to the real thing as possible in this digital world we live in.
Unfortunately it will only get worse, as things advance. Men will have sex with robot dolls, actually they are already I believe and they will have much realer experiences without organically /physically doing it.
That is just an excuse if I’ve ever heard one.
Those thoughts, those sensations and memeories made are for your spouse and them alone.
This porn world we love in is for the selfish.
Lovers of themselves and their own desires.
You see it everywhere with all the selfies and self idolatry. We hardly care for anyone but ourselves. So heck if we can please ourselves whenever why not. Who cares about the spouse, as long as we are happy.
Happily divorced for sure.
Anyone who believes partaking in this mental activity is ok… only thinks it’s ok because they do it and do not want to stop and are convicted when confronted otherwise.
I was this way before when physically being a cheater, super defensful trying to find wya s to support my behavior.
This is a time of digital cheating and has been accepted as normal. Very sad, honorabilty and loyalty are a thing of the past.
First, I would like to say that first, if the man is watching the specific pornographic videos where it makes the camera be the Man in the Situation, that would be a stronger case for cheating. But most porn include both, and most men are not homosexual, so I would say it removes the personal connection, which the personal connection, or the lack thereof, is the big difference that people miss between hiring a hooker and watching a video online that is geared for the masses, and entirely non-personal.
I would have to ask, for consistency, would you consider a wife that reads Erotica (50 Shades of Grey for example) to be cheating?
There are reasons why people cheat and I am tired of hearing people skirt around this. If you are stuck in a sexless marriage then a marriage is hell. Also, why are articles always about men cheating? Women cheat just as much and are doing most of the porn our there.
If you are stuck in a sexless marriage, then yes, it can be very frustrating. This isn’t any reason to have sex with other women (just as being single isn’t a reason to sleep around), but I get your point.
Articles aren’t always about men cheating. This one happens to be because that it receives the lion’s share of the e-mails we get, but if you want to read some articles for women who struggle with porn and sexual sin, then I suggest you start here.
I think the point of this article is simply to call “a duck, a duck” many men deal with the shame by living in denial and saying “well, it isn’t really cheating” to be free from the sin they must deal with the denial. The goal is not to shame them, they are already living in shame. The goal is to break through the denial that is holding them back from real change.
Well said. Yes.
I’m surprised at Luke’s response to your comment – and your comment. My position is that denial is a face of shame on this specific issue (a coping mechanism), which you confirm in your comment, and Luke somewhat confirms with his “shameless” and “sinning in broad daylight” comments. “Breaking through the denial” with intervention-based language intended to incite and offend (e.g. tough-love, “break through”, scared straight, etc) betray the goal of inspiring real change. Luke even acknowledges this and agrees with it.
Taken a step further, we get to the real heart and intent of the article. The primary audience is female, the secondary audience being the husbands in the grip of porn (see Luke’s comment item #6 above). You could also say the final audience is the husbands, but the couriers are the wives of addicts. This distinction is important. This type of language directed towards the addicts doesn’t go far.
Luke suggests articles like these have brought many husbands to the breaking point, but I think that’s taking more credit than is due. These articles aren’t read or received in a vacuum. The love, support, worry, concern, heart break, hurt, God, faith, and hope that are almost always delivered with the article deserve all the credit for inspiring real change.
I’ve somewhat abandoned communicating how harmful this type of approach is on this website. Old mind patterns die hard. I really believe this approach turns so many away from embarking on real change, and with the rising tide of this epidemic, the impact this language has is heartbreaking to me.
I do not believe God will, upon my death, greet me with anything other than immeasurable and incalculable love and grace. There will be no inciting language intended to offend my senses for whatever transgressions I account for. Only love and grace.
I know we will probably have to agree to disagree. By in large, we write articles that are meant to bring encouragement and understanding around the topic of addiction. From time to time we write to those who are convinced that nothing is wrong with porn and who are convinced their spouse should see things the same way. These kind of apologetics are meant to break through that line of thinking, but not to be an end in and of themselves (as no article is meant to be).
Jessica you are so right!!!!!
Jessica, Yes…my husband made real changes only when he stopped denying the cause of the shame he was feeling. Well put and I know my husband would agree. My husband lived in shame when his motto was, “Porn is definitely not cheating. It might not be nice but it isn’t cheating.” He was unable to break the cycle of addiction with this line always on the tip of his tongue, even when he thought he wanted to. But then came the light for my husband. Slowly, he began to realize that porn, lust, fantasy were much more damaging than simply being “not nice.” And that was when the profound changes in my husband began. He definitely views porn as adultery now and….he has become not only the husband that I always wanted him to be and always knew he could be. But, he has also become the man that he always wanted to be. The shame is gone from his life because his eyes are now open and aware of what real faithfulness means. Happiness can be in other couples futures as well. Take heed of what people in the know are saying here.
I think it’s important to address the definition of shame in light of the intended audience of this article and your motivation for using “strong emotional language”. I’d also like to extend a call to action for you and other contributors on this website to recognize that “scared straight”, “tough love”, and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy achieving their intended goal for the audience, and, as a matter of urgency, contemporary approaches that address the problem and solution with less emotional charge (i.e. shame) should be adopted because they possess greater potential for resonance. As a point of clarification, I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes. I’m also not suggesting that emotional, marital, and physical boundaries be dismissed or dishonored.
Most succinctly, I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self. It embodies the more sensitive and often excruciating camp of negative emotions that range from embarrassment to humiliation. Internally it’s recognized in the form of anxiety about/to negative judgment about self from others. Anxiousness about unwanted exposure and judgment can evoke a profound sense of unworthiness and inferiority that is registered as a direct threat. American social and cultural understanding of shame has obfuscated its true meaning and confused it with emotions such as guilt and fear. Anxiety-based expressions such as fear of public speaking, and fear of failure, are American phrases that confuse shame with fear. Your own article, Guilt vs. Shame, speaks to the confusion between guilt and shame.
Within the context of pornography epidemic, understanding shame is vital. I object to the notion that the “popular” (American) definition of shame is merely a selfish attempt to exonerate the individual from their actions that produce it (i.e. stopping “the relationship to sin”). If anything is “popular” when it comes to shame, it’s denying the self, and by extension others, of its existence because the alternative is so painful. This distinction is perhaps subtle, as both of these viewpoints address the same phenomena. However, understanding the difference is paramount. Denial manifestations can take many forms, running the gamut from amnestic episodic memory to a litany of absurd rationalizations. These rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it, as your Guilt vs. Shame article implies, but the very essence of that rationalization is born from the well of excruciating shame and subsequent denial.
There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame. On deep spiritual and social levels, we intuitively understand all participants (viewers included) experience a spiritual and social death. The industry embodies secrecy, exploitation, objectification, abuse, trauma, and severe distortions of reality. Like anyone claiming they really enjoyed their first cigarette, the first exposure to the pornography industry is eerily similar. It’s an affront to our identity and our senses. In the aftermath of first exposure, we find ourselves confused and ashamed by the experience. Ideas like “other people like this, so there must be something wrong with me”, “it’s legal and others do it, so I shouldn’t feel this way”, “my dad/mom/brother/friend like this, so I should too”, “is the door locked?”, or “why do people do this?” capture the thoughts and feelings. It really is a baffling, secret, and shaming emotional experience to exploit or watch exploitation and pretend all participants are not committing social suicide. Like smoking, revisiting the experience is only improved by our own repeated brainwashing that the experience is far more pleasant and esteemable than it really is.
Shame is a powerful and necessary motivator that helps govern our relationship with others and our spirituality. Using shame to correct shameful experiences is paradoxically misguided and unfortunate. Shaming the ashamed with “strong emotional language” only perpetuates shame thereby triggering humiliation and, regrettably, outward and often vitriolic attempts to save face or accelerates suppression and denial. Emerging treatment modalities confronting pornography (and arguably shame) addiction recognize this paradox and how it’s been a barrier. I believe many who managed to move past this barrier still look to articles such as these, later in recovery, and feel the latent resonance of that toxic humiliation. Most addicts that find themselves here, either by recommendation or consideration of your product, won’t have the instantaneous and radical epiphany you would hope on the harm they are causing themselves and their loved ones. Most won’t even understand how to recognize their shame or the issues they face due to habituated denial. Only those in recovery, after considerable willingness and effort, can begin to unravel the denial and fathom the deep wounds they have inflicted on any level. Arguably, unless experienced firsthand themselves, true and intimate understanding of the pain may never be fully realized. So why then make the approach to those in denial with a tactic that exacerbates denial and humiliation? This really is doing a disservice to your intended audience.
As an aside, I would have guessed your intended audience to be the wives of addicted husbands.
Good points. I’ll try to reply to them as best I can.
1. “I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes.” Good deal. I assumed you wouldn’t do that.
2. “‘Scared straight,’ ‘tough love,’ and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy.” Yes. Absolutely.
3. “I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self.” My definition of shame is similar. Like you say, it should be distinguished from fear or guilt. Agreed.
4. “…rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it.” Agreed. Shame should not be demonized or condemned. Agree 100%.
5. “There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame.” I don’t disagree here either. I would qualify that we tend to see two types of individuals who find themselves ensnared by pornography: those who have a shame-based grasp of their condition, and those who grew up in “shameless” atmospheres. Perhaps this is what you were talking about when you mentioned “habitual denial.” While I agree that shame is a universal human experience, we tend to talk to a lot of “sinning in broad daylight” types.
6. “Shaming the ashamed with ‘strong emotional language’ only perpetuates shame.” Yes. The intention of this article is to address the unashamed. What some readers have told us is, “I showed [specific article] to my husband and he finally understood how much he was hurting me. He and I are finally seeking help for the first time.” As far as shaming the ashamed, I completely agree.
I recently saw that my husband was/had been watch ING porno,looking at websites for local women who just want to F. . . I had a very heated moment with him about this and we finally had silence. I later told him I wanted to be alone in our bedroom. I got on my knees,prayed,cried with loud hollers,like somebody died or something. I was so so heartbroken. I asked God to please have Mercy on US and to guide me in the decisions I will be having to make. By the way,this all was brought to the light on Christmas day. I called my husband to come in to our bedroom and I told him to come pray with me. We both cried so much. My pain was like hitting really hard on my heart and I know his is shame, regret,fear,(of loosing me) etc. Having to admit addictions is hard,but he did come clean. I told him that with God’s help, we will get through this. Satan never rests .He kills,steals,and districts. I told my husband I forgive him but I have been going through a lot of discouragement, crying in moments, and just feeling like I am not completely satisfying my marriage. I told this to my husband and he said I do turn him on,he loves me very much and I am everything he always wanted in a woman. From me being caring, determined to accomplish and being strong and firm in my WORD. I asked him,then why, what makes you do this? He finally said it, that he has an addiction and thought he could make it stop by himself. At this point I will be making decisions and I really need you to pray for US.
This is what’s happening in my marriage, the vows we both promised and committed are in a very bad storm. Anyone with a suggestion!
Hi Jo,
Well, first of all, your husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to get his devices clean, he needs therapy, he needs accountability. He needs to do this work if he’s going to get past his habits and become trustworthy again. He won’t be able to do it alone. He needs help. Often men feel an initial high when they come clean, but if they don’t get real help, they will relapse. Even with help, it’s a long road to true recovery. You can’t do that work for him, he has to do it himself.
Secondly, you need support and help as well. Find a therapist for you, someone who can help you process your pain and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries. Find a group for yourself. Check out on the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
I got one my spouse had a couple of dreams at different points in our relationship and she has woke cause she was going to have sex ,but woke and tried to go back to sleep to continue the dream and me if I watch porn that I am not clearly in she saying that cheating, but her having sex in her dream is not cause you can’t control what you dream or do in your dream..wrong you can do only what you really want to do…that is cheating…so she says that are grounds for dumping me and calling me a cheater…woow
What if you’re single? Is it considered cheating then?
No. That’s a separate question.
In my opinion, it is still demoralizing, degrading, and sinful, but not because you are breaking a vow to a spouse.
I believe that it is still cheating. 1) If you’re using porn, you’re cheating on your future spouse. Marriage may not be in your future…but how can you know for sure? Your choices now will negatively affect any future relationships (it affects your relationship with family and friends, as well). It’s never too early to protect your marriage. I wish I had realized that years ago… 2) You’re committing adultery against your God. Pornography can easily become an idol in which you worship. Ezekiel 23:37 says, “With their idols they have committed adultery.”
While I agree with you on these points, I’m not sure that was the nature of the question. The Bible distinguishes between sexual sins that are adulterous in nature and those that aren’t, even applying different penalties in the Old Testament for different sins. I’m not saying using porn isn’t bad for your future marriage or that using porn isn’t a sin against God. I’m just saying I don’t think we need to stretch the word “cheating” to impress on others the sinfulness of the action. There are plenty of biblical categories we can use.
I know everything you say has Merritt, I thank you for that. My question was, is it a policy violation. Your first word is “YES” and I’ll except that as my answer Thank you so much.
God made us the way we are. If he didn’t want us touching it, he would have made our arms shorter. Lets not confuse what is sinful to God and what the church says is sinful. I don’t recall any commandments stating “Thow shalt not beat it like a circus monkey”
In fact, it is basically the morality of the church being written into various translations and interpretations of the Bible. I don’t recall the Bible mentioning God providing Adam and Eve with clothing. Apparently nudity was ok in Gods eyes.
God made our bodies the way they are. They work as he intended them to. You can’t blame a Devil for a mans body doing what it is supposed to do. Nor can you say it is sinful for a man to relieve himself.
Hi, Gary – using your logic, then everything that is possible is permissible, correct? In other words, if God didn’t make my body in a way that prohibits an action, then that action must be permissible. How do you define sin? Do you know many men who are able to “beat it like a circus monkey” while upholding their marriage vows? (not sure if you’re married – just using it as an illustration). Do I think we (“the church”) make a really big deal out of masturbation sometimes when there are issues in this world that are much more important? Yes, if I’m honest. But, our bodies work best with guidelines. I just can’t imagine standing in front of God, “beating it like a circus monkey,” with my mind full of sexual fantasy, and at the same time, bringing Him glory. Maybe it’s not in Scripture, but are you truly at your honorable, God-glorifying best while doing it? Probably not. Just be honest. You like doing it because it serves you. Not God.
Regards, Chris
You are void of any deep moral values about love & fidelity, and any man sexually getting off on a woman other than his spouse IS BREAKING THIER MARRIAGE VOWS.
If this is your opinion just please stay single or only mingle with women who don’t mind infidelity…but remember,
You don’t get to ask for fidelity from her in the bedroom.
I happen to flat out disagree with the original argument. There’s a big difference between personal and impersonal. In the original argument, he keeps trying to relate being with a real person. And, yes, being with someone real someone you know someone you could actually have contact with someone that you actually lust after in such regard can be regarded as Lustful. And I agree with the Greek version of what Matthew says that it depends on your actual intention to follow through with being with someone. Versus actually imagining being with someone or looking at a picture of someone. I mean can it be regarded as cheating by looking at Ariel from Little Mermaid If you have a lust full imagining about that? What about anime? What is that is that cheating in the same regard as the original argument would imply? No the reason is they aren’t real they don’t exist there not actual people or anyone who you actually have the potential to actually lust after with the intention of being with a real person. Even if they are actual actors they may as well be anime people because you’re never going to meet them and they may as well even be dead. Much less ever actually physically engaging your genitals with some other person, or online fantasy actress. The original argument crosses the line by presupposing that all aspects of porn are personal. As if you actually know that person can chat with that person can text that person can call that person on the phone can send that person emails can have some kind of actual real contact with that person. that’s all BS most of the time you’re never gonna actually find those people look for those people hope to meet those people have actual lust in your heart for that person with respect to calling them reaching them emailing them texting them and actually knowing them as a person.
In the original argument, he states that pornography is getting off at the expense of somebody else, I say BS! Again, the insolence of his argument is presupposing that all of porn is personal. Untrue period!
. If you really wanna get at it. The essence of cheating largely has to do with emotional transferences. Not just a physical act of two genitals interacting. In most porn neither of those two things are happening there is no emotional transference, hello, and there is no actual physical gentles interacting! This is all just jealous female talk trying to extend the borders and the boundaries of what constitutes cheating. Usually so they can enable themselves and feel justified to do something in retaliation. Most the time men wind up looking at porn simply because they have a larger appetite or their wife is tired that night or doesn’t have the same drive, or still has too much fuel in the tank. But no one ever consider that anything but a burden right. No, one ever considers a that a man has to relieve himself or else frustration builds. I’m sure if women would do the things that men needed they wouldn’t be looking at porn at all. In fact, there’s another way to look at it, you could look at porn is something that heals a man and makes them healthy and keeps them in high spirits and heals there stressed out minds and spirits. In fact you could look at porn actresses like healers vs whores! There’s all kinds of ways, you can look at this both good and bad. So obviously there’s a lot of subjectivity to go around no matter how you look at this issue. but trying to call porn cheating is flat out BS!
I agree with the fundamental concept you address: viewing pornography violates the sanctity of marriage. It moves away from intimacy versus moving towards it, every time.
There is a recurring motif on this website of employing theatrics. In a round-about way, you admitted this in a separate comment for an article on this website that covered this idea from the adultery angle. Articles with spooky Halloween font on the photos, titles and premises saying porn is cheating, porn is adultery, or comments saying digital prostitution, he is defrauding you, etc. – all of these may feel true to many, especially the spouses harmed. But I think you’re doing a disservice to those seeking help and betraying the spirit of help you aim to offer by using these theatrical and dogmatic techniques designed to illicit strong (and negative) emotional responses.
Fear, outrage – these are the easiest emotional responses to illicit in an audience. Topics of fear are children (i.e. “Protect your children”). Then there is the topic of sex. Mix together and you have your 10 o’clock news.
Pornography addiction is an epidemic and software services such as yours are helpful for many. It’s disheartening to see the accompanying articles with surface-level language that moves towards fear and outrage, instead of moving away from it. Don’t be another news channel. You can validate, empathize, and support emotions and thoughts of husbands and wives struggling with this without using haughty rhetoric. Become the center of neutral, objective, evidence-based solution for the millions in search of answers and support. You can do this. We need it.
Thanks.
Thanks for the word of encouragement. I don’t disagree with you. I will say, however, that each article has its own intended audience. This article, for instance, is geared more to the gentleman who has turned a deaf ear to his spouse, the man who will go on viewing pornography under the pretense that he’s actually doing his partner a service by not cheating on her and is trapped in a cycle of auto-erotic pleasure. (Unfortunately, I read comments from their wives every day, and it is heartbreaking.) Such men need to see things in a new light, and I don’t mind telling these men they are flat-out wrong—even if it means invoking strong emotional language.
Other articles that have much more encouraging and positive language are meant to lift the reader out of a state of self-condemnation and toxic shame.
In short, not every article is intended for every audience.
As you said, I would be doing a disservice if I meant this article for those who are truly struggling and seeking help. But that is simply not the intended audience here. Perhaps I need to do a better job of making that crystal clear.
you’re wrong….and here’s why. like eve did in the garden, you’re adding to God’s word. God did not tell adam that he couldn’t look at, touch, or smell the fruit of the tree. he said that he couldn’t EAT it. what you’re saying is effectively, that looking at, smelling, or touching is in the same SPIRIT of God’s command as the letter. and sometimes, the LETTER is actually what it MEANS. what if a woman kissed another man? what if she only had lunch with another man? what if she only fell in love with another man? is that cheating? unfortunately, NO, although if my wife did those things i would be jealous and demand she repent or i’d wish i could divorce her. the PROBLEM is people like you are never satisfied with what the bible ACTUALLY says… you feel the need to add-to or take-away in the name of being in the same spirit. is pornography sin? YES…. but does it break the marriage covenant? NO. the bible draws a very clear line, because people like you don’t want to walk in the spirit, you need to not only use God’s word as a club, but add additional rules to follow as well. and that LINE is sexual immorality. you cannot commit sexual immorality if you do not have SEX. that involves two people and their genitals in some way-shape-or form. pornography is in the same category as what bible calls an uncleanness. like smoking or drugs that pollute the body. it also has the added effect of hurting a woman’s fleshly ego and pride. but most christian couples engage in sex prior to marriage. (fornication) so it cannot be that the wife legitimately is concerned for purity. in fact, she probably wishes her husband would do some of those things he’s watching to HER…or that she could do some of those things with another man. DEUT 23:10 says “If there is any man among you who becomes unclean by some occurrence in the night, then he shall go outside the camp; he shall not come inside the camp. 11 But it shall be, when evening comes, that he shall wash with water; and when the sun sets, he may come into the camp. ” it’s referring to masturbation and ejaculation outside of sex. it is a sin of uncleanness…. but it does not break the marriage covenant. you can’t be ‘of the Spirit’ when you don’t even agree with God’s word.
James, you might want to read this blog post about how Luke’s opinion changed regarding porn as grounds for divorce. I also want to point out that Jesus himself calls the simple act of lust adultery (Matthew 5:28); while we would not advocate divorce on the grounds of walking past another person on the street and thinking a lustful thought, what is pornography if not digital prostitution? What is masturbation to porn if not two people (or, realistically, two performers and an observer) performing sexual acts with their genitals?
If my boyfriend watched porn about cheating will he cheat on me why does he watch this type
Well, Ana, porn use is one of those things that often escalates over time. It often includes things that seem “risky” which helps it be more exciting. But yes, it’s also true that men who watch a lot of porn are more likely to cheat. I’d say you need to think about your boundaries and what you want in the relationship, then talk with him about it and see if you’re on the same page. Blessings, Kay
Nero
So then by this any wife that reads 50 shades of grey and other such porn books are also cheating correct
Lisa,
In Matthew 5:27–28, Jesus did not say that “lust” is the same thing as adultery. That is a misunderstanding of the text based on the English translation lacking nuance. In Greek, it says, “βλέπων γυναῖκα πρὸς τὸ ἐπιθυμῆσαι αὐτὴν,” or “looking upon a woman in order to lust after her.” It is important to note here that “ἐπιθυμῆσαι” is the same word translated as “to covet” elsewhere (including the Ten Commandments).
Thus, Jesus was not saying that thoughts equated to actual adultery. He was rather saying that “looking upon a woman in order to COVET her” was the same thing as actually committing the act. Once you have determined to acquire the forbidden object of your desire, you have already sinned. That is a key distinction that is missed in the English translations of the Bible where nuance was lost from the Greek.
If we apply that to pornography, one is certainly having lustful thoughts. But is the man coveting the woman in the pornography? Has he committed himself to actively seeking her out to act upon his lustful thoughts? If he does not actually intend to commit the sin and never does so, nothing in Matthew 5:27-28 says he’s guilty anyway.
Let’s consider Deuteronomy 23:10, which tells us that a man who suffers a “nocturnal emission” (קרי לילה) shall leave the camp for the day, wash himself, and only return in the evening. Now, some may want to say this is not the same thing as pornography, but we have no reason to assume that conscious sexual thoughts are worse than our subconscious manifesting our desires while we sleep. In Deuteronomy, we do not find the hypothetical man being condemned for having committed adultery, but he has rather made himself unclean and must wash himself. If the thoughts or desires themselves are the same as acting out sins, would our deepest desires not count as well?
Hi John – it seems dangerous to nuance Scripture in this way. Because of what pornography does to neurologically bond the user to what is being watched, there’s no need to get on the phone and ask her to come over. There’s no need to actually acquire the woman – the user has access 24/7 and many times, fantasizes about multiple “hers” while with his spouse (assuming it’s the husband). At what point does one cross from lust to coveting? I guess I’m not exactly sure. But, I’m curious why you would try to point out a distinction? Thanks, Chris
What if you see it but don’t get off it, meaning masturbate, is that still consider cheating???? I see it through social media, or basically surfing the net…they show sex scence in movie/tv shows, does that mean you cheating???
Every Monday my partner watches porn every time I ask him why he does it he says he view it as art to get off on. How do I respond to something like that.
You might share with him this article from The Gottman Institute about the impact of porn on relationship intimacy.
You might give him your feedback on how his porn use is impacting you, and how that impacts the relationship.
Then I would say you need to consider your boundaries. Is this what you want in the relationship? Are you willing to live with that?
Peace to you, Kay
I was very curious as to what legal grounds would be considered as
an act of Adultery. Interestingly enough many states have different criterium as to what is considered an adultery act. The prevailing and most agreed upon stipulation among states is a singular sexual act with another individual who isn’t your partner. At the same time I can’t find any holes in your suggestion that masturbation itself is adultery. Then again this article isn’t supported with any statistical or factual evidence; and is purely observational. That doesn’t discredit your merit in academics though; so we’re teetering on the insight of a professional vs. hard evidence. Then again I feel this is what ultimately makes your point contentious; having us agree with you at face value. Also considering the nature of this blog and your religious alignment has put a bias on you whether you think so or not..
Let’s not forget that women also view porn; not only that but according to the Dailymail 40% of females have admitted to making porn themselves and another statistic admitted the watching porn as a couple has actually improved their sex life by 96%. Strangely enough porn which is viewed by both nunerous men and women have created an egalitarianism view in regards to how each sex views each other. For example a study led by Taylor Kohut, of Western University, conducted a General Social Survey, of US population, between 1975 and 2011. The survey itself asked participants to indentify whether or not they had watched any sort of pornographic type matierals within the last year. To follow it up, it also included questions in regards to attitudes towards the opposite sex not just within the porn industry. After the survey had been completed with a total of 28,000 particpants it revealed its findings in the ‘Journal of Sex Research,’ by stating , “23% of Americans told researchers that they had viewed pornography in the last year. Both male and female pornography viewers had better attitudes towards women working outside the home, and were more supportive of abortion rights, in comparison with those who had not watched pornography,” the article itself even ends how the danger of pornography are wildly exaggerated.
As mentioned before the prevailing legal grounds of adultery is having a singular sexual act with another individual whose not your partner. My biggest problem with your argument is emotions. Marriage itself is a deep emotional connection, right? Do you absolutely need an emotional connection to masturbate? Isn’t the act itself just self-gratification? I mean those whom have a physical affair with another needs to have some sort of motivation or some sort of an emotional appeal to some one other than their marriage partner correct? I’m not dismissing your very hypothetical situations of someone going to a hooker to jerk off and porn addicts but sadly those are few and far in between. Compared to those who just want a quick wank because their spouse doesn’t ‘feel like it’ or is’tired’. If anything I’d view porn as an aid to marriage. Why? Because your not fantasizing about your co-worker, spouse’s friend, the girl you saw bend over at the gym, or even your 11th grade bio teacher from years ago. In reality what is deemed cheating in a marriage is purely subjective. It’s purely based on individual morality. What one person may say is unjust the other will see it as irrelevant. Which is probably why many states specific criterium other than sex for adultery is different and can’t be agreed upon…
Here’s an article you might find interesting. The Gottman Institute, the premier source of relationship research in the world, came out against porn this year. However you parse it, TGI clearly sees that consistently turning to porn is harmful to relationships. These are the folks who can tell from having a 5-minute conversation with a couple, who’s going to get divorced and who’s going to stay together. So if you’re interested in a healthy relationship, it’s worth taking their view into account.
My man says it’s not cheating because he can never have with those women
A person can admire the beauty of another human (whether in person, on the street, at a fashion show, in a fitness comptetition, at the beach, in a bank,…, etc. or through art works of famous or unknown paintors or photographers) without it constituting cheating. Such admiration does not mean masturbation, or anything related. Otherwise the Sistine Chapel, many sculptures, and works in most museums of the world, art galleries, etc. would be destroyed by now. The beauty of modern photographic art is not different from the beauty of ancient sculptures; otherwise a married couple could not walk into a museum, art gallery, beach, etc. and be able to look in each others eyes.
Hello there I’m have a boyfriend nearly for 1 year and suddenly I’m discover my boyfriend watch porn and visit site with chats ! I’m very frustrated just wanna cry at same time ! Got a felling devastated I’m don’t know why if is the fact I’m love him soo much but the same time I’m felling I’m not good enough for him or if him don’t fancy me at that level …. my frustration is I’m think is just using me and when his sleep with me barely touch me or kiss me , just wanna do the same position (dog style)and his never see my face ! Don’t know what to do or what to say … I’m soo confused help me please
I’m so sorry. You really deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and treats you with respect! Maybe that’s not the kind of help you’re looking for? But just know that you deserve to be treated as the valuable and wonderful person you are. It sounds like your current boyfriend isn’t willing or able to do that, which sounds to me like a sign that it’s time for you to move on. I’m a therapist, and I’ll just tell you that every abused woman I’ve ever counseled will say that they’re confused, when they know that they’re being treated badly. It’s confusing when you’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be about love, and it really is about being used isntead. Sometimes it takes a while for us to understand the reality of what’s happening. But I think you know. And when you’re ready, you’ll be okay with moving on so you can enjoy relationships where you’re treated with respect and appreciation. Peace to you, Kay
Thank you so much for this important information. I have been trying to put what I have been going through in words and couldn’t but now thank Jesus here it it is thank you
I’m not for my partner watching porn and stuff and if I did it she wouldn’t like it I’m guessing but the thing is with the stripper, in porn u don’t know the people or pay (on some of them) or talk or like have any connection or msg them it’s just there idk this might sound stupid but I’m just saying
I agree completely. I know first hand how it feels to be clear cheated on by my husband using pornography.
Even to the point of purchasing videos an using our grocery money to do it and then lieing about it saying its something else. That he bought something for me.
Coping with the fact is hard. It even comes down to the point of is he thinking about these women when we are having sex. And everything time he is on his tablet wondering what he is really doing and if he is hiding something again.
Porn runins relationships. It breaks trust. An your spouces heart
This is to James: You are wrong. You seem to forget that the Bible says in Matthew 5:28 says “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
This is a one dimensional argument taken from the ‘cheated female’ perspective.
If communication had occurred in the relationship stating that a partner feels watching porn is cheating. Then obviously when the other partner secretly watches porn they are obviously cheating.
However you do not consider many factors.
Firstly in the modern age, from surveys, it is considered normal for men to watch porn as it is in the majority. About 25% of females watch porn.
So unless there is solid communication about this subject. The normal way of life that the man or women would continue.
Secondly, there are many couples that enjoy watching porn together and this certainly is not cheating.
I understand your argument, however having a title ‘yes porn is cheating’ is completely inaccurate
I have been told by my husband that watching porn is sometimes easier than going through the process of having sex. It is easier because all he has to worry about is pleasing himself. It makes me wonder if our marriage will last.
Yeah, it’s hard to imagine having a lasting relationship with someone whose primary concern is pleasing himself. How he chooses to manage his sexuality may be a reflection of how he chooses to manage the rest of his life, as well. What a wise observation on your part!
Porn is cheating. Doesn’t matter how they sum it up. There is so much delusion when it comes to porn.. These men have been brainwashed into thinking that since they arent touching these woman – its A OK.
God said to Forsake all others – YOU are not supposed seek sexual gratification from outside of your marriage, in the eyes of God. Its a SIN.
Sure men who watch porn may not be touching these woman, but lust is in their hearts, which is a SIN. It is no different then him actually having sex with one of these woman..
Body parts do not have to touch for it to be cheating. Porn is no different then having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse..
I needed to hear what this man said. It needed to be said. Frankly out not. I sent this article to my husband in hopes to help him. You can’t tell the help how to help. I think it was well written and most importantly full of living truth. Thank you 🙂
This article is not promoting fear and outrage. It actually describes exactly how I felt as a partner of a porn addicted spouse. They do a good job affirming how the spouse feels when they discover their partner is using pornography.
I felt like they get it! So many things today are normalized that are just wrong and the domino affect is getting worse, showing in our disrespectful kids, the ones we don’t kill, because planned parenthood says that fetus,(means little one) is just a mass of tissue! Or open marriage? That is no marriage at all as it goes, “Forsaking all others!” Why are people so critical when someone stands up for the truth??? I never felt comfortable masturbating or cheating while a practicing alcoholic but being sacramentally married, a believer, the Natural law of order matters so much to my life, heart and soul.
So by this general logic, a wife that reads 50 Shades of Gray would also be cheating. Or is it different since CovenantEyes cannot make money from being against 50 Shades of Gray?
My bf of 4 years says that watching porn vids etc is just his hobby/his thing , So I shouldn’t worry about it etc …but yet when I started dating him he told me he takes viagra because his diabetes made “it” stop working BUT YET EVERY single morning he wakes up he has an erection (we only have sex 1-2 a week so he don’t take the pill every day)…So could it really be that he’s addicted to porn? (I’ve told him porn addiction can cause impotence cause watching porn all the time can cause unrealistic expectations etc, but of course he denies he’s addicted …my router data can tell you ALOT different) also I’ve asked him to not watch porn on the days that we make love and he took that as “don’t watch porn VIDEOS” but he still stares at porn pictures , I asked him the other day how his porn watching was going on our love making days and he said straight out that he “hasn’t watched porn in a while” (the porn VIDEOS did stop on our days but he still looks at porn PICS, like ALOT of them..I don’t get how he don’t see the porn PICS as PORN also …whether it’s videos or pictures it’s still all porn n porn related …idk how to handle this or what to say to him to get him to see
It bothers me :( plz help) thanks
Just ask your partner if they’re fine with it. If not then you have the option of not marrying them. It’s not that complicated.
I have tried to get my bf to understand just how damaging these choices are to my self esteem and our relationship. I don’t have a prob/understand when we are apart, but everyday, when he’s “bored” then when we’re together he doesn’t have any drive left for me. Leaving me alone, waiting, and saddened knowing he chose THAT before coming home or seeing me. I will FOREVER feel like I’ll never sexually satisfy his needs. When we are intimate it’s disconnected. I explained how this makes me feel, how he’s constantly training himself to get off from THAT instead of from ME. He shrugged me off as silly and ridiculous. I wait for him.I can’t bear to even think of making myself feel that AMAZING feeling/moment given by looking at someone else! That’s so WRONG in my mind/heart. I guess that’s the problem. He loves me, deeply, I know he does but it’s killing me and I just don’t get it. I am gorgeous, he loves all of me I’m everything he says he wants, and yet…I’m not enough.
What if your not married but in a relationship and you found your boyfriend phone that had porn on it you saw it was at the end of the video is that considered cheating or he said that was dumb of me it really hurt me I dont know if I can trust him im scared and afraid if he will go on there again I asked him can you please not go on there again he said he won’t but im afraid amd scared that he is behind my back
Hi Tina!
First of all, I wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this! Please know that you are not alone. Many other relationships are going through the exact same trial as you right now.
I am a firm believer in trust and honesty as two of the primary components of a healthy and successful relationship. Personally, I do consider using (not just watching, but actually using it for lustful intent) porn within the bounds of marriage to be cheating, because that person is breaking a vow they made. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, there is still a level of commitment that I believe can also categorize using porn as cheating. However, every person has a varied opinion on this, and a counselor might even say differently.
I don’t think “is he cheating” is the question I should be asking you though. I would ask you “can you trust him?”, and if you feel like you cannot, even after talking to him, perhaps it is time to stand back and take a look at your relationship. I do not believe that one instance of using porn is reason to break up with someone, but I do believe that if you feel he is continuing to be dishonest and not trustworthy, you should consider the future of your relationship.
Before making any decision so big as this one, might I suggest you attend counseling together? Even though you aren’t married, couple counseling can be very beneficial to any problem you are working through, and it can even strengthen your bond. In regards to your own feelings of hurt and betrayal, I would encourage you to check out the resources at Bloom for Women.
You are strong, and you are loved! I am praying for you.
Blessings,
Moriah
Doing a disservice to those seeking seeking help? Theatrics? Wow! And yes, he is defrauding his wife, you can’t get around that. Take your guilty conscience elsewhere and let the ones being hurt by this finally get a voice and feel validated. You don’t get to have it both ways, period.
I completely agree with your comment. I want to share this article with my husband but fear that the haughty rhetoric will cause more harm than help.
I need a little support here!!I don’t know what to do!!I knew something was up with my husband!!So I set him up and yes I found out that he has been watching porn videos (live)master bathing and talking to these porn sites!!I’m crushed!!!He shares he will never do it again and it was a one time thing!!Lie Lie Lie!!It’s more then once!!Married 34years and sick to my stomach!!Please help
Hello! I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be so painful. We’ve written an ebook for wives called Porn and Your Husband, it lays out some helpful information for you, as well as practical steps that you can take to care for yourself. https://learn.covenanteyes.com/porn-and-your-husband/
God bless,
Keith
If this all is true and because of the way men and women brains work her thinking of another man during sex is just as bad if not worse