“Cry, you baby!” she shouted, towering over me and slapping my tiny ten-year-old face.
Two neighbor girls had locked me in a room and violently sexually assaulted me on a cold autumn afternoon. The memories of that traumatic day would often surface unexpectedly for decades to come. The crunch of fall leaves, a cool day, or another’s mocking tone could trigger feelings of fear, panic, and rage. These emotions were unwelcome and overwhelming, and like many children, teens, and adults I sought comfort and escape. I found myself as a young child consumed with sexual thoughts, fantasies, and sexual urges that I did not understand. I felt trapped by shame, believing I was a terrible, broken person. The more I self-soothed my triggers and sought to escape my pain, the more shame and self-hatred I experienced.
How Trauma Leads to Addiction
Trauma isn’t simply memories we recall. No, trauma weaves its way into the crevices of our nervous system. It permeates through our mind, body, and spirit. You might be wondering, “Is healing even possible?” And the answer is, YES! Trauma must be resolved to be free from porn or other unhealthy behaviors used to chase away pain. Abuse and trauma cannot be ignored, buried, or simply soothed; it must be confronted directly, with compassion, help, and support.
I can still vividly remember my initial exposure to porn, just a year after that horrific abuse. The first time I saw that magazine at 11 years old, the rush felt like gasoline being poured onto an already raging fire—intense, overwhelming, and impossible to control. I didn’t understand that my insatiable craving for porn was a coping mechanism, a way to escape the emotional and psychological torment I was trapped in. I was reacting to depression, anxiety, fear, nightmares, and a deep sense of betrayal by retreating into a fantasy world of sex, one that flooded my brain with neurochemicals offering me brief, but desperately needed relief. The more I indulged, the more I felt I needed just to feel normal.
This is addiction.
Reenacting Trauma in the Addiction Cycle
Any addiction we turn to for escape never truly alleviates the pain—it may numb it temporarily, but it always returns, often stronger than before. It always demands more, yet gives us nothing in return except shame, while keeping the real pain buried and voiceless. My voice had been silenced in the abuse. Porn became my way of trying to take control, to reframe the abuse on my own terms.
Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading expert on sexual addiction and trauma, refers to this as trauma reenactment, a pattern of behavior in which individuals unconsciously re-create the traumatic events or circumstances of their past. This often happens in an attempt to gain control over the original trauma or to recreate familiar emotional states, even though these reenactments tend to keep the individual stuck in a cycle of suffering and dysfunction.
I was stuck. I loved God with all my heart, but I found myself trapped in a cycle of addiction and further suffering. It seemed no amount of Scripture, prayer, or effort to “do better” took away my desire for porn. Instead, I continued to react to my past pain and the continued shame of my unwanted behaviors.
“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” —Bessel Van Der Kolk
This doesn’t mean memories are insignificant. They are crucial. But what’s often left behind is not just the memory itself—it’s the visceral reaction to it. And that reaction frequently manifests in an urgent need to escape, any way we can.
“Why don’t you come and fight me!” I shouted.
Nearly twenty years after the abuse, my rage and pain resurfaced—only this time, I was a young mother, wife, and pastor in the community. The rain was coming down in sheets, my kids had pushed me to my breaking point, and I was barely holding it together as I dragged myself to the grocery store to return a Redbox movie. As I stepped out in the rain and ran towards the store, I heard a woman’s voice behind me shouting, “Run Forest, run!” Was she mocking me? Was she just trying to be funny? In that moment, I felt like a 10-year-old girl being humiliated again. The mocking voices of the girls who abused me came rushing back, flooding my mind with a vengeance. I tried to ignore my torrent of emotions, until the woman crept up right behind me and slowly said it again. I exploded, having no care for the consequences. I was not thinking like a pastor or a mom, I raged like a cornered animal, consumed by fear. The trauma response had taken over. She rushed into the store, escaping my threats to fight, and I quickly got into my car. I sat there in silence, my hands and body trembling, my head hanging in shame. Then, unable to hold it in any longer, I broke down and began to weep.
I knew this wasn’t the person God had created me to be. I was a sensitive, empathetic woman who loved people and loved God.
Confronting Trauma and Finding Healing
“Heidi, it’s time.”
I heard God’s voice speak softly, deep within my heart. In that moment, I knew it was time to tell my story. I didn’t trust anyone, but deep down, I knew I had to begin to take a risk. My family and my future depended on it.
That risk began with trusting a professional counselor—someone with the expertise not only to help me navigate and give voice to my trauma but to guide me in encountering Jesus through it. I also began to experience the healing power of community in recovery groups where other women had similar struggles and pain. We gave empathy and acceptance to each other’s stories. Trauma must be given language to heal.
“Working through trauma pulls us from the surface of life into the wellspring from which we learn who we really are.”—Tian Dayton, Ph.D.
It was through working alongside these women, partnering with God, and putting in the hard work with my therapist that I truly began to discover who I was. I didn’t need porn to feel at peace. My mind, body, and spirit began to heal from trauma as I processed and gave voice to those painful experiences. I learned new strategies to cope with triggers. Techniques like breathing and grounding exercises helped me to hush the incriminating voices, to live in the present, and to lean on others and God. As a result, my relationships—particularly with my husband—grew more intimate and safe.
Our actions in life reverberate through eternity.
I want to be remembered as someone who fought for my healing, no matter how long it took or what I had to endure. I continue to fight not only for myself, but for my children and all those who will come after me. The details of my story are unique, yet my hope is that you can find yourself in the patterns, the pain, and the longing for freedom.
You Can Heal From Trauma
Today, I am blessed to share my healing and freedom in ways I never thought possible. I’ve experienced the power of community, the life-changing impact of trauma therapy, and above all, the transformative power of God to restore a broken life. I can truly say that I have begun to see the truth of Psalm 27:3 in my own life: “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.” God’s goodness is no longer a distant promise—I see it unfolding right here and now. And this can be your story too!
If you don’t find healing for the trauma of your past, it will imprint on your future. You can only suppress your trauma for so long before it starts to bleed out, damaging both yourself and those around you. Many numb their painful emotions and reactions with various addictions—whether it’s drugs, alcohol, sex, food, overworking, etc. But none of these will ever truly work. The trauma remains, buried beneath the surface, unhealed.
Each person has their own unique journey to walk. As we confront the pain head-on—with courage, compassion, and support—we begin to untangle the deep-rooted patterns that hold us captive. Healing requires us to give voice to the wounds, to understand their impact, and to allow ourselves to be restored, piece by piece. With the right help, the right tools, and a commitment to the journey, we can break free from the grip of trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms like porn use. Your struggle with porn may be your history, but it doesn’t have to be your future.
There are many valuable resources available to support your journey toward healing and wholeness. Arise is a 21-day video program designed to help women break free from unwanted porn use and experience sexual healing. The Covenant Eyes Victory app also provides a wide range of courses for men, women, couples, and parents, offering hope and practical tools for healing from porn addiction.
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