When you value porn more than your wife, it destroys your marriage! She wants you to stop viewing it, yet you continue. She believes you don’t value her enough to quit. Sometimes she asks herself, “What did I do wrong, and why am I not good enough to satisfy him?” This puts her on an unnecessary guilt trip of self-degradation and pain. This isn’t the only way your porn use degrades your wife. Here are a few other ways it impacts your marriage.
Porn degrades your roles in the marriage.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. –Ephesians 5:25-33
God designed roles within your marriage. As a husband, your role is to love your wife so much that you would lay down your very life for her as Christ did for us. Her role as your wife is to help you be the best man you can possibly be by being your companion and friend, your lover, your helper.
When pornography enters the relationship, both of your roles slip away. You fail to love her fully as Christ loved His bride, and she loses respect for you. The marriage suffers, and you both lose.
Will you ever be asked to die for her? Likely not. But you must learn to “die to self.” That means to love her more than you love yourself, which may be harder than physically laying down your life to protect her or save her. Dying to self requires denying the flesh, putting aside selfish desires, and putting energy into someone other than yourself.
Pornography feeds the flesh and strengthens selfishness. It never satisfies, but pulls a man deeper and deeper into sins of the flesh. It is addictive! Although you may hide it for awhile, your sin will eventually be exposed, smashing her trust in you again. The bigger issue, however, is about dishonoring God. He established marriage roles, and porn devalues both the roles and the people in those roles.
Porn degrades the intimacy you share.
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. –1 Corinthians 7:2-5
Oh, that little word, self-control! Intimacy in a marriage hinges on self-control. “Avoid fornication–pornea” (1 Thes. 4:3). That takes self-control before marriage. Statistics have well established that couples remaining pure before marriage have more satisfying marital relations after marriage. Self-control may be needed during times of illness, during monthly cycles, during high-risk pregnancies, and will definitely be needed during times of temptation.
Self-control, a fruit of the Spirit, brings one’s self under the control of the Spirit in obedience to the Word. In the flesh, we lack self-control. Only as we walk in obedience to the Lord and grow through the sanctification process do we develop self-control (2 Pet. 1:3-10). Self-control is necessary for a beautiful, intimate relationship between a man and his wife.
Pornography is a fruit of the lack of self-control. Porn demands and controls. Love gives to meet needs and serve others. Masturbation, fornication, and adultery lack self-control. All of these feed the flesh and destroy aspects of intimacy for the future or current marriage. However, a man who understands that his body belongs to his wife, just as hers belongs to him, will value the intimacy they share. He’ll thank God for the beauty of a one-flesh relationship that continues to lovingly mature throughout many years of marriage.
Porn degrades her body.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. –1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Before he died in prison, Ted Bundy, a serial rapist and killer, told the story of how his path downward began as a kid with pornography. I remember wondering back then how one led to the other. However, after spending many years counseling women who have been abused by their own husbands, I’ve learned to ask not if the husband is into pornography, but to ask how long and deep his porn addiction is.
I don’t believe I’ve ever counseled a physically abused woman whose husband had no history of porn. That is not to say every man who watches porn beats or rapes his wife. But the principle remains: if you value both your own body and the body of others as the temple of the Holy Spirit, you are less likely to abuse yourself or others in any way. Porn absolutely increases the risk of degrading your wife physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Porn sees women in general as objects for self-gratification. This attitude crosses over toward the wife, disrespecting not only her person, but also her body. If she’s asked to do sexual acts that hurt her or make her feel used, she’s devastated and feels degraded.
Is her body for your abuse, or for God’s glory? Do you view her body as pure and holy? Porn clouds that picture and opens the possibility for disrespect and abuse. When you value your body as the temple of the Holy Spirit and seek to glorify God in your body, then you will more likely treat your own body with respect, and also that of others, especially your beloved wife. Your role as her protector is to help your wife feel loved and safe.
Help is on the way!
My husband has counseled many men who struggle with sexual idolatry. Help comes from memorizing very specific passages of Scripture to renew the mind (Rom 12:1-2), leading to a changed lifestyle. He regularly uses a tool called “Building Blocks of Truth To Moral Purity” (pdf). He asks the men to choose and memorize the verses that empower them to grow in victory over the addiction and to develop a mindset of moral purity and self-controlled lifestyle. He spends time on each of the seven controls to help them make very personal and specific applications to their struggles.
Another essential help is finding accountability in godly men who will ask the tough questions and encourage you to change and grow. The battle is in the heart and mind. As your heart is, so you are. Do what you need to do to grow and maintain a pure heart. Persevere. Christ is worth the change, and so is your wife! Your wife will feel valued and respected, your love and intimacy will flourish, and the oneness that God intended will grow deeper to the glory of God.
I need help. This is not the first time in my almost 20 year marriage that we’ve gone around this same mountain of my husband viewing porn. But this time seems very different. For a long time now he hasn’t really wanted anything to do with me but I must admit I’ve felt the same about him. I’m not sure it’s just the porn, there are other non-intimacy factors, lack of communication and more. I think sometimes I know what I need to do since it seems we’ve just co-existed for a few years now. This time when I found he had been viewing porn on his phone, I didn’t feel bad about myself, I didn’t cry. I did still feel betrayed because we just went through this a couple of months ago, he said t was a moment of weakness and it wouldn’t happen again (again not the first time). This time though, I can’t even sleep in the same room with him and haven’t for almost 20 days.
Then he says to me that by my actions of not sleeping in the bed with him, I am telling him that I don’t love him and I don’t want to be married to him anymore. When I asked what his actions said to me, he said he didn’t know because he wasn’t the one who left the bedroom. I tried to get him to take some responsibility but he won’t. He did agree to look up online the effects of porn on marriages and she said he found an online program called “Candeo” but he didn’t want to spend the money until after Christmas. I look this up and it does not come up on a regular google search when you look for “help with porn addiction”. I had to key it in to find it and it looks European or something. It’s got me wondering if it’s legitimate or some kind of smoke screen. I know, I sound a little paranoid now. Has anyone ever heard of this program?
Anyway, I’m almost 52, not a time in my life I wanted to start over but I’m not able to see our future together anymore. I don’t know what it would it take for me to ever move back into the bedroom. At my age, I don’t look like I used to of course, but I’m certainly not obese or unbearable to look at. I think it’s just the porn is all that satisfies him now. I’ll take my part in not being the perfect wife (also going through menopause) but I don’t see how I can take all of it.
I’m just in a bad place and don’t know what to do. Embarrassed to tell our family and so much more. Can anyone offer some solid advice and point me in the right direction. These articles are great but I think I need to talk to someone. I’m praying, but my faith does not seem as it should be right now either. Thanks so much for any response.
Hi Debbie,
I think you are so wise to consider talking with someone. I think a counselor would be a great help to you as you process your emotions and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. Look for a counselor who has experience in treating trauma, because 20 years of this is definitely a trauma. You need someone who understands that and can help you heal.
You’re also wise to recognize that your husband is not taking responsibility for himself. This is so common! As to Candeo–I’ve had some folks recommend it. As far as I know, it’s legit. The question is, when the time comes, will he actually take the steps to be responsible for himself? So far, his track record suggests otherwise. I do believe people can change! I just think they have to actually DO it.
And I think you’re right in saying that the lack of intimacy in the marriage is the real problem. When men turn to porn over and over for decades, this is what happens. It’s not a lack of communication; it’s not even the porn itself; it’s that he’s turned away over and over and over, and that erodes the emotional heart of the marriage over time.
All you can do, meanwhile, is take responsibility for yourself. Creating that boundary of moving out of the bedroom is a good step. You’re deciding what is healthy for you, given the circumstances. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries. If you haven’t read Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, now would be the time!
No matter what your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and well.
Peace to you,
Kay
Debbie,
I read your words and understand where you are. I am about the same age as you – I have been in a similar situation. Debbie don’t be embarrassed. This is a problem that occurs in probably every city.
I understand that you both are seeking programs and there is some concern about cost. There are programs to get help with little cost in your area – wherever you are. Here is the information. Now keep in mind this is a mens group to eliminate porn if possible.
First use the covenant eyes app for his phone and the computer. It is a good app that provides guidance for him to stay on track and it helps you feel that there is hope to make it through the day without wondering if he is on the bad areas of internet.
Start with Donald L. Hilton MD wrote He Restoreth my Soul. it explores the destructive power of pornography addiction, not just from a moral and spiritual perspective, but with the scrutiny of modern science. This book is a must read for anyone who knows, or is struggling with a Pornography.
To learn about classes in your area Google this:
He Restoreth my Soul hope and recovery
My husband attended this class for a year or so and it helped him. There was no cost and it met once a week for an hour or so.
I heard you when you said you were in a bad place. It is a bad place, but I hope the information I have given you is helpful. Please know that you and him need to heal together.
Covenant eyes is a good app for your computer and phone. My husband had that on his phone for atleast a year to help him know that someone was watching him to help him. With the app, the willingness to change and reading and learning about harmful porn you can work your way away from this poison.
I wish you well. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
I couldn’t agree with Kay more.
I do dress modestly and make my teenage daughters do so as well but if a strange man ever thanked me for this, I would want to run, with good reason. I would see this man as someone who objectifies woman because this is what he would be doing.
You objectifying women and being angry at them for giving you a reason to isn’t helping your situation.
Porn is evil. Of this we cannot doubt. As a husband, I struggled with it and have, with the help and grace of God, broken free such that I am mortified by porn. There is nothing in this post that is in any way wrong. I agree with it whole-heartedly. I am, though, greatly saddened to see two things very much missing from most anti-porn advocates.
First, I see this mainly as a “male only” thing. It is not. I was married to a woman who engaged in porn quite often. Many women who are suffering from a porn addition often can’t get the help that they need because of this bias.
Second, women are often the biggest agitators of legalized pornography today and that has caused harm to me in a different way. By this I mean the rather sudden acceptance of skin-tight black yoga pants and similar skin-tight leggings worn as pants. Dressing like this would have been considered indecent exposure or the sign of a whore if it was decades ago. The end result to me, as a man, is seeing a woman naked from the waist down. I am mortified to see a woman dressed in what prostitutes in my area were wearing 20 years ago and, as I said, visually naked from the waist down. This horrible fashion is rampant in my area — a trip to the grocery store is akin to a trip through porn magazines — I can see every bump, grind, crease and shape and dent of a woman’s rear end, thighs, calves and such as if somebody painted her body. Make no mistake, I’ve seen women who actually DO paint their legs with “jeans” or some other design. The worst part, perhaps, is that yoga pants are somewhat transparent. It’s possible to see a woman’s bare skin and the style and color of her underwear quite clearly if the sun hits her from behind the right way. This is disgusting.
What befuddles me is that these women don’t care! I’ve approached a few and they tell me that it’s my problem. We men are visual creatures. Otherwise, porn would not be the issue that it is. This rotten attitude is downright insulting and insensitive — it is like putting a bottle of alcohol in front of an AA member and daring them not to touch it or making them eat meals in a bar. Only 20 years ago, women would have been mortified to dress like this. Today, I see a young woman dressing like this and I have to close my eyes lest I fall into lust, especially if she has curves. I see grandmothers dressing like this and I get sick to my stomach — even more so when I see a young girl dressed like this “just like mom” — great! We are raising a whole new generation where sex is always in your face and always on your mind — the best part for the porn junkie is that it’s free of charge! No need to buy expensive magazines or videos — a good shot of mental adultery is just a quick trip to the store. Nearly constant porn at every turn.
As for me, a man, I have two choices — fall into the lust or find the look of women mortifying to keep a pure mind. I can’t do the former so I’ve done the latter. This has the same effect with hurting a marriage. A man’s wife wears this crap, he sees her degraded, he doesn’t find her attractive anymore or he’s forced to find porn attractive, so he has no desire for intimacy, period. None. Forget saying anything to her. My other fear is that we will become so desensitized to porn that people will either start having sex in the streets or illegal porn will become legal. Finally, the good men that I know will have nothing to do with women who wear yoga pants. They wear them on a date and it’s immediate time to break up.
I am now at the point where I see a woman modestly dressed where I don’t see those things that should be private to her and I thank her — a very rare thing these days, so I say thanks and they appreciate it. There is some hope — look around the Internet and you will find stories of courageous women who will NOT wear yoga pants or leggings because it’s porn and because of what it does to men. I admire these women. Their husbands are lucky men but all men have to be careful on the streets these days will sights to keep your brain on porn at every turn of the corner.
Homer,
1. Yoga pants are not porn.
2. Men are in charge of their own eyes and their own choices. You do realize that you have control of your eyes? Your eyes don’t have to automatically fall to a woman’s rear end so you can analyze the color of her underwear? You can keep your eyes trained on her face if you want. These are YOUR eyes. This is YOUR choice.
When you blame other people, that is a symptom of the shame you feel inside of yourself for your own poor choices. The solution to this problem is not to stop everybody else from doing everything you don’t like, because you still have the shame inside of you. And you’ll continue to find more things to blame women for.
The solution for this is for YOU to deal with your shame. I would suggest that you find a CSAT therapist to help you through this.
Peace to you,
Kay
As a wife that lived (somehow — I really want to say survived this violation) through this I want to share a few things that I encounter.
1) THOUGHT: I wanted to be as pretty, as thin, as young, as interesting as wonderful as them (the others’)
REALITY: There was so many there was no way I could be all of them; it was impossible! I felt frustrated. I can’t have a dark complexion, I can’t be tall, be a red head, be thin, be Asian, be young, be big in areas and thin in other areas……….. I just couldn’t be all that. To be honest I could not be them and I lost me – I LOST who I was, because I was afraid that Ii was me — or maybe I was afraid that I was not them. Crazy as it sounds, I live with that everyday.
2) THOUGHT: The thinner I am, the more there is to love! BUT, how can that be?
REALITY: I was an average size person, but I so felt guilty after eating – I was always thinking that – that one meal would push me into an undesirable looking person. All it did was made me sick, food just didn’t taste the same anymore!
3) THOUGHT: I need to think young, be wonderful – be all of them wrapped up in a well mannered relaxed person.
REALITY: I was so afraid – me got me into this — what do I do? I just sat, smiled and listened, agreed to conversations. I was not relaxed, just distant in my thoughts. I started to want to ask for “timeout” which would consist of moments where I could be in a zone that is without the past.
4) THOUGHT: I was angry at myself. I had a chance to find a forever mate and I got a forever husband who I am still with but — (I pause to find the words) will never love me like I thought he did. My husband when online dating wrote, I love her but I am not in love with her and that is why I am looking for an extramarital affair that porn could no longer satisfy — he said that. Now he tells me he loves me, texted me today he loves me………. but what does that mean? I hate that I spent decades – more than half my life – with a person who was willing to harm his family for fake, meaningless, degrading porn.
REALITY: Ladies, if you have made it this far. Survived and remain in the marriage it is up to you to find a spot inside yourself that is not wounded. That spot is where you can rekindle your marriage and save yourself.
If you feel something, let it pass – let it go for 3 hours and see if the thought passes – speaking will not erase the past and just cuts deeper and causes more scarring to your inner self.
It has been 2 years and 3 months (about) and I am learning to forgive. I never thought I would forgive him but I think I understand he got caught up in porn then porn was like a staircase each step was a new variety or porn then chatting, date sites then meeting in hotel etc – all while I was home — I lived with through all of it without even knowing —- IT WAS HIS SECRET —- and I trusted him so it was a very well kept secret.
After finding out he agreed joining COVENANT EYES for his phone. That little icon let him know he was being watched and I guess that helped him through the first year or so – so he could rid himself of that evil porn addiction.
He also joined a church porn addiction group and that helped. I could not find a group that I felt helped. It for me was standing in the full sun with a severe sunburn. To this day, I am unable to join women groups because I have trust issues. I was burned so badly. I have good weeks then a bad day.
I wish you all well. IF YOU ARE HERE, you are here because you went through something bad. You will be okay. Your family will be okay; your marriage may even be okay. Just say — tomorrow is a new day and I am going to be there to see that it is okay or as close to okay as possible.
IF YOU ARE A HUSBAND OR MATE: please know that you are damaging someone. If you love that person or the family you have made with that person then know that whatever porn is offering is taking it from the wife you love.
Stop! Porn is a meaningless, degrading activity that really weakens your character. Porn is poison. Toss it away.