Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
Me and my husband were married about a year and Iwss about 4 months pregnant when I found out he was looking at girls on c-list, he said he was sorry and would stop, found out a couple months later he did it again when I talked to him about it he said he did looked at them with other guys’ like that was supossed to make it better! Its been three years now and I every once in a while I find out he is still looking at pictures and porn on his phone. He says he Is so sorry and hates himself everytime after he does it. I just have no trustb for him anymore and feel so ugly and un-attractive. I love him him so much and have been with him since I was 15 and married for 4 years. I’m just scared that he will keep looking or lead to cheating on me. He installed coventeyes on his phone but I’m still waiting on him to make it so I can see what he Is doing. I just hurt so bad and don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. He has lied to my face so many times.
Hi Heather,
I’m so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like your husband is very drawn to pornography online. I’ve spoken with hundreds of women in your shoes, and it can be a very frustrating and frightening thing.
What kind of phone does your husband have? Maybe I can help you to make sure Covenant Eyes is installed properly.
Have you spoken to him about taking some steps to stop this. It sounds like he’s pretty casual about it and that he isn’t really doing anything proactive to make a change. Willpower alone will not cut it. He can’t trust himself to make the right decision in the moment. (I know because I used to be like him.) We have many, many articles here written for men to learn the steps they need to take to overcome this problem.
Thank you so much for this beautiful and inspiring piece. I just found out that my husband has a porn addiction and have spent the last 3 days crying my eyes out from the betrayal. Your article has given me light and encouragement to proceed on and be the strong woman I am.
I’ve just learned that my husband has a porn addiction and I feel so betrayed. I’ve been dealing with depression after finding out I’m not able to have children and now this. I feel so worthless and don’t know how to go on.
I am so sorry to hear about this, Sophie. I know this seems like a very dark time in your life. Remember, the Lord promises to be near to those who call on Him in truth.
First, do you have anyone in your life you can talk to about this: a close friend, family member, person at church, anyone who will listen and be able to give you some calm advice? This is not something you should keep a secret.
Second, I highly recommend you watch these free videos. They are from a biblical counselor who does a great job helping women process the betrayal they are feeling after finding out something like this.
My husband and I have known eachother for 8 years, married 4. We almost divorced a couple years ago because of my husbands compulsive lying, porn, flirting, pot, etc. I know it seems far fetched, but I was hours.from filing for divorce when my husband really seemed to change. We have had a couple problems since then, but overall, our relationship has been great! I have always said that if I even had a clue that he was backsliding into his old ways, I would not let myself feel that pathetic again. I would divorce him immediately. Well….I’m feeling pretty pathetic, right row. I just found out he has been watching porn for a couple weeks. I knew something was off because of his almost rude behavior. I have spent these two weeks begging him to tell me what was going on. He replied with suggesting it was all in my head. Last night, I discovered the truth. He even chose to stay home sick the other day while I took our kids out for the day, so he could watch porn. We had sex when I got.home that day. I told him I was filing today, but I can’t seem to follow through. My 3 year old must sense something because he keeps insisting that I kiss Daddy. It breaks my heart. My husband is remorseful and wants to stay together, but he knows that I haven’t trusted him in years and he says I deserve the honesty he has such difficulty with. I know it’s not true, but I feel I will be the reason my family is torn apart if I choose divorce. I.love my husband and the life we created together, but I can continue to ignore awful he makes me feel. I also feel weak for not being strong enough to file like I promised myself I would. What should I do?
Hello Torn,
My heart breaks for you and your family right now. I appreciate you leaving this comment.
First, I want to preface everything with this statement: Getting advice through blog comments is probably not the best place for you to get information about whether you should make this life-changing decision. I trust you’ll take everything I say with a grain of salt.
From what you told me, you said he was into porn a couple years ago, repented of his ways, and in the last two weeks or so has fallen back into the habit. He now says he wants to change again and desires to stay with you.
Knowing nothing else about your situation, other than what you have typed, I would advise you to stay with him but to set some very clear boundaries. Divorce, as you know, is an ugly thing, even when it is necessary. If couples can stay together and work out their problems, though it may be painful and difficult, it is nearly always better than the pain of divorce (especially when all parties are considered).
Boundaries: Setting these is critical. I highly recommend you read the following two articles to help you do this.
– “When Love Has to Get Tough: 5 Steps for Wives of Porn Addicts”
– “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask” (especially part 3 where this issue is addressed specifically)
I pray you will find the support you need right now. No matter what, in a time like this you need friends around you who will support and speak real wisdom to you.
I’m not sure what to do anymore I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have two kids together I love him very much were both are Christians and saved but he Dosnt wanna try and live the life god whats us to anyways he lies to me about watching porn he keeps it form me I just wish he was honest he says it makes him happier then anything I have try so hard to make him happy but I feel like I fail all the time he calls me ugly when we fight and the kids are just too much for him also he been going on Craigslist at night while we’re in the same bed and searching for women if he really wants to cheat why hasn’t he already he always put me down in agruments but when I try and tell him how I feel he calls me a cry baby, I been praying and praying for god to point me in the right direction. Any advice we have two children. Also he makes me leave the house just so he can watch porn it’s not fair to my I enjoy sex with my husband but porn is in the way how can I approach him about it with Him getting upset and wanting to leave our marriage
Hi Khristina,
I’m so sorry to hear about this situation you are in. How terrible. I’m not sure if anyone (long distance) can give you concrete advice about what to do now, but let me point you in the direction of some resources that might help.
I recommend you read this article from Christian counselor Ella Hutchinson. It is Part 3 in a series of post on questions wives of porn addicts often ask. You can also read Part 1 and Part 2. Read our post by Christian counselor Mark Gaither: “When Love Has to Get Tough.”
These are such tragic stories. I too have been through the sting of betrayal and am currently writing a book about it. I think everyone has to find their own way home but the support of others is so essential.
Thanks Luke, yes it is devastating. And I know he will never admit that he have a problem or go for counseling. Its good to know I am not the only one that struggle with this. Thanks for the advice and stuff to read. Rather dont send me emails because he can see it most of the time, I will always come back here for some comfort and answers. Thanks so much for the help
Thanks for this article, was in tears when I read it. My husband and I had a great fight Saturday night over this issue. He said he can do what he will whenever he want and that I must go to bed if I don’t want to see it. He always do it when I am not in the room or went to bed earlier than him. Sunday I went to church, and I saw this morning that the whole three hours I was away he was looking at porn, usually teenagers, Its been going on for a long time now but this weekend was the first time ever I thought of leaving him. I just cannot live like this anymore. At this stage I cant do anything about it, my kids live with us after losing their job. I just pray that God will hold us through this and make us stronger people.
So sorry to hear about this situation in your life, Rina. What your husband is doing to you is deplorable. He needs to wake up and realize that he is cheating on you with porn and stands to lose you if he doesn’t change.
I highly recommend you read, “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask,” particularly the part 3.
My world has crashed down around me. I have known my husband for 11 years. While we were dating, there were problems that we needed to work through. While we were dating he did struggle with watching porn, and he also made some bad decision, creating inappropriate friendships with women. We worked hard to overcome our problems, or now looking back, it seems that I worked hard to. We have been married 6 years, countless times my husband has sworn to me on our marriage, on good that he no longer does those things. I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me for our entire marriage, essentially our entire life. The porn never stopped. I am devastated. I never thought that I would have this life. I never thought I would have feelings of if I should leave my husband or not. The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. I cannot believe how disgusting all of the lies are. I would be out working out, and he would stay home to work on emails and work stuff. Turns out he was watching porn, and sending me lies the whole time, like “hope you’re having a great run, just working on some emails” The lies go so deep, he was so reckless with his choices. He broke us. What do I do? Do I stay? I am so afraid. I built my entire life around this man. I knew that there were red flags early on, but I never thought that this would happen. I feel like I am in a bad dream. I just need it all to end. Where do I go from here?
Hello Devastated,
I am heartbroken reading your story. You are dealing with the double hurt of knowing your husband has been filling his mind with fantasy women and knowing your husband has been lying to you. This is a devastating moment for you, I know.
You are right to acknowledge his sin as an evil thing. It is good you are not minimizing this. He needs to realize the same thing if you are going to move forward as a couple.
Right now, you need a strong dose of truth to help you though this pain. There is hope in God: hope both for your marriage and for your own broken heart. The road might be a long one as you unravel the truth of his addiction to porn, but many women have walked this road and have found hope on the other side. I highly, highly recommend you watch this video series by counselor Brad Hambrick called True Betrayal. It is a wonderful series walking women through, step by step, the process of making sense of their lives after a sexual betrayal.
WOWAnonymous Watcher! , you don’t understand women and you certainly have no compassion. Most women take their marriage vows very seriously. We cherish our families.and try to be good wives and mothers. We understand that there is a lot of temptation in the world, now more than ever, but that our love for our husbands and their love for us will keep us faithful and true.
The shock of finding out that a spouse has been looking at porn is such an affront to everything we believe and invested in our relationships. We are devestated because we feel we have been betrayed. Our feelings of security are comprimised. Maybe some men think it’s no big deal and that they have a right to look at it like you seem to claim. Women view porn as using young women for sexual gratification with no emotion or feelings towards them other than satisfying their own needs. They are certainly not thinking of their wives and how they would feel. Now who is selfish?
Another thing about women, right or wrong, is that we are always comparing ourselves to others. There are so many beautiful women and they seem to be everywhere. The media makes sure that men get their fill of sexy young things. in our hearts we believe that what they see is all eye candy but we are the love of their lives. Finding out that men are willing to sneak behind our backs to look at porn is telling us that they want others to satisfy their needs. It is going outside of the marriage for sex.