Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
I do want to thank you for this site because even though in my heart, I felt like I was losing myself, I was insecure that I really might be overreacting because society makes it seem like everyone thinks porn and sexualized images of women are completely normal. I felt SO alone in how I felt and so scared that I might be making a mistake, especially be he was extremely insistent that I was the one with the problem. This site has helped me realize that I’m not alone. Please do not stop what you’re doing. Women like myself are desperately hurting over this. I can’t tell you the pain I have from this. I am sad beyond words but I find some peace in knowing that I’m not alone.
I cannot begin to explain how much I can relate to these woman. It is so important that this issue be exposed and not treated lightly. I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2. I have been dealing with this for at least 10 years. Although I believe he no longer does look at porn, We dont own a computer etc, I am dealing with the effects of this happening years ago. I caught him many times and we argued many many times and it went in circles. He would hide it, lie, id find it and confront jim every way possible, for him to turn it on me etc. Similar circumstances to many of the above posts….but although it has been a long time since all of those things happened I am left with so much insecurity. I compare myself to others constantly. I have very low self esteem with him. I am young and attractive actually (not to be conceded but to make the contrasting point). But I realize nko matter how I look I will never feel good enough for him, not for me. If that makes sense. So I deal with this every day. Everywhere we go and everything we do is ruled by this deep insecurity I carry with me. Although I know he loves me like crazy and does honestly think im very sexy, I can’t stand the thought that he could ALSO find someone else sexy. I always thought growing up that the man I would marry would adore me so much that nobody else could possibly be attractive. Now I know that is impossible. Men are “programmed” to find woman attractive and there is absolutely nothing we woman can do. So all in all I hope that one day I can get over this insecurity which I can say came from the many years of betrayal and porn watching
Hi unknown,
Men certainly are “programmed” to be attracted to women, but this does not mean that a man cannot make you his standard of beauty. As a husband, this is what I strive for. I strive to make my wife my standard of beauty. Do I see other women who I find attractive in the world. Yes (as I know she sees men she finds attractive). But my goal is to train my mind to say, “That woman man have attractive qualities, but she is not my wife. My wife is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.”
That said, even if a man does this, this will not mean that your insecurities will go away. As the above article states, Ashley said women need to “experience the beauty of faithfulness,” no matter how unfaithful the world is to them. This kind of faithfulness is not something a sinful, imperfect man can give you. Only One person can truly be call “Faithful.” Only Jesus Christ sees down to the core of who you are, imperfections and all, and can still say to you, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Jesus forgives all who come to Him. Jesus is faithful to all who trust in Him.
Thank you Luke. But he is completely convicted in his belief and he feels that I am completely unreasonable. Even though I have been extremely available to him sexually, he feels all men want porn AND their wives. He has officially ended the marriage. I had offered him reading materials in the past but he refused. We had even discussed porn prior to getting married and he knew how I felt, and he disagreed back then, but we took time apart and he came back saying that he agreed so we married, but then shortly after, it came up again and later he said that he never did change his mind on it because he feels that porn use is a private matter and none of my business and that he didn’t feel that I even had to know that he used it. I feel that this issue doesn’t even have to be a “religious” issue. It’s about basic respect for your wife and your marriage partnership. It’s about having compassion that another person’s feelings are valid. And it’s not about their insecurity. If they were so insecure, they’d just look the other way and let their spouse look at porn because they’d be too insecure to stand up for their self-respect and dignity. Looking at porn is a choice, not a biological imperative that so many want us to believe. I just can’t believe that this is so important to him to leave a person who has done everything else to be a supportive and loving partner just because of his desire for porn. That shows how powerful it is. Before I found it after we married, there were things he was saying to me and doing sexually that only made sense after I found the porn he was looking at. He was craving more intense activities and was expecting me to look a certain way, which I can’t. I experienced the “scientific” evidence of it impacting his view of me and an escalation in his need for more intense activities. And yet, he says it’s just fun and healthy. It needs a label like cigarettes and alcohol. Although young people are getting socialized to find it natural and healthy too. I’m so sad.
You situation is a great example of how powerful porn is. What a ridiculous thing to cling to at the cost of a marriage!
It sounds like you’ve done a lot to talk reasonably to your husband, even laying the groundwork before you were married. He has been deceptive to you all along the way. He deceit and his virtual infidelity are both crimes against you, and he should feel ashamed of himself.
Have you found any support for yourself in the midst of this? Friends? Family? A group for wives of sex-addicts?
My husband ended our marriage because he wanted porn to be a part of his life and was angry that I do not. I am completely devastated that he chose porn over me after 10 years together and all that we’ve done together for his career. I was so open about how I felt hurt by it but he insisted that I was just insecure. He felt that he had a right to view it and I tried very hard to have him consider otherwise, but he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He insisted that all men look at porn and they want their wives and porn. It wasn’t an issue of more sex with me, he said that all guys want both. Porn is something separate from me as his wife. And that is was just for fun. I am so sad. Truly devastated. I feel alone and like a failure that I couldn’t go along with it, but I can’t understand how he can’t see how I might feel rejection from his porn use. If sexual desire is a basic human emotion, so is the need to feel loved, safe and that no emotion is wrong. Feelings of insecurity start on playgrounds in grade school. We’ve all felt them. How can men not see how women might feel that they are having to compete with a third party in their marriage?
It pains me to hear what your husband is saying to you, Kimee. Is he not willing to consider how you feel about the matter? I think your comment about “a third party in their marriage” is exactly the point. He needs to understand that you see his porn use as a rejection of the vow he took when he married you: “forsaking all others.” He might be shocked to realize this means turning away from all porn, but he would probably feel differently if you started chatting online with other men, calling it “fun.”
You might want to check out this free e-book: Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives
I’m so devistated. I just got married in february and expecting in August. I just wanted to go on line from my husbands phone while he was in the shower to pass time by and i found on the Web on his cell phone porn on his phone. Now i know why he doesn’t want to be sexually active anymore he doesn’t know i found out but I’m so angry i don’t want him looking, touching, or even talking to me. What do i do???
First, read some of the other comments on this post. You’re not alone!
Next, read Porn and Your Husband. It will give you some ideas of next steps.
I’d also recommend letting your husband know what you saw. Try to keep it positive, along the lines of “I understand that porn may be a struggle for you, but I know you’re strong enough to beat it.” There’s no question that this will be difficult for you (both of you), but by addressing the problem early you have a better chance of getting him help and having (believe it or not) a happy marriage.
God never expected a woman to remain in a marriage where there is adultery, pornography, lusting after other women masturbating and spilling his seed on barren ground, having confidences with other women all falls under this category. It is the only reason for divorce scripture gives. It is not just a broken covenant between our husbands and self but the tri cord with Christ being part of this bond and it’s brokenness. Am I saying a marriage can not be made new? No. I have learned in the twenty two years of watching my husband look at every thing with female parts to finding out the last seven he was in porn for hours a day, to my continuing to fight and to save this marriage, that if he chooses to do something other than surrender to Christ be faithful in His time with the Lord and get strong Christian counselling and a devoted mentor it will not change. My husband only would get upset when I said to leave run back to the church and within a matter of days be right back to do what he is still doing. he wants he is cruel in his words when ever he does speak and that is only when I reach out to him I have learned to see myself through Christ He is my groom. I have learned what we can pray a hedge of thorns laborers across there paths,and yes a softening of there heart, I also know that our God gives us choice. I can not change him and God won’t, unless he surrenders with every thing in him. I still struggle with the very fact I cant move him to want this as much as I do but all in all there is a freedom within in it. I have asked my husband, to leave after eighteen months, I have pursued him to the cross, to no avail. It is between him and God, I will continue to pray but the filth must leave the demonic spirit in this house, the curse he has brought to this house leaves with him. This has been a long journey to horrible to repeat, but God has seen me through. Would I want to live through this again? No but I thank my mighty God for what i have learned through it. Pray for both my son and I as I pray for each of you.Pray off the generational curses over your children and your mate.Look to the Lord to know you are beautiful, mind body and spirit. Great things are in store for you occupy your territory. DO NOT relinquish your authority! Move forward! The enemy is being served his warning on trespassing,. He doesn’t get the last word. Sing my sister Sing! and again I say SING!
I need to thank you for this site. I had been suffering in this sin for a long time. Some periods it was very frequent, others, not so much. Either way, I hated it, the anticipation, the moment, and most of all the after math. As of late, I didn’t clean my history well enough, and my wife found a site. I tried denying it, but I knew full well I had to face her.
I left work in a rush ( I have a job that I am able to do so) and came straight home. My wife, between finding the site, calling me, and me showing up home, found a few web sites relating to this issue. This was a huge blessing for the both of us, as secretly, I was hoping she would find it (without divorcing me) and that I would finally have to deal with it. Sins are much easier to justify in your head when you’re not caught in them.
When I got home, she admitted the hurt, but then the moment I didn’t expect, she replied “If I had been intimate with you more often, you wouldn’t be suffering in your urges as much”. I thought I would be doing nothing but apologizing, and praying with her to help me overcome my addiction, but on top of that, she admitted her shortcomings to me in not fulfilling my sexual desires as well…
This completely opened up the door in a long discussion of what we loved about each other, what we hated about each other, and what we’re expecting of each other from now on, sexually (with the exception of her monthly “friend” and some exceptions).
This site was no doubt a help to her, in understanding that christian men that fall in this trap, are simply too humiliated to bring it up with their spouse, until they are caught, and sometimes, it’s too late.
Thank you for the article, you have potentially have saved a marriage. And to Sean, if porn isn’t that bad…why is it breaking up marriages? Shouldn’t it help? I would prefer my wife think of me when we’re intimate, not some guy posing on a computer screen…
This is a comment to Sean :
Question – If porn is simply a stimulation for men to satisfy themselves and women should be accepting of this. … Then is it fair to say that a woman shpuld seek out whatever comfort she needs from the loss of intamacy with her partner. Becauae its sounds to me.like you are simply a nasacistic male who truly has never suffered the loss of trust in a relationship. I truly wish for you the pleasure of walking in on your significant other in whatever space you both share and find them in the exact spot where you pleasure yoirself viewing whatever kind of porn you happen to enjoy and.them being in a passionate engagement with aomeone else. It would serve you right to have ypir heart split open the.Same way the women on this post have nd for you to feel the pain and sense of betrayal that they have . You have no grounds to be so condescending or type such insensitive words ….
Please I need some help. I am hurt and broken and angry. I can not stop the pain in my heart. I feel so lost for everything I thought we had and so used. This trench of filth and loss of self worth. And faith in our strength as a couple is waining. I am exhausted I have panic attatcks to the point I am going to see a doctpr I am depressed I have no appetite I have blinding headaches. The other day he commented on hpw green my eyes were and how they glowed little did he know its because i had been crying for four hours or more. Please would someone help. I cannpt believe he would choose a laptop and hos cell phone downloads of pornography over me…..
Hi Sarah. I’m so sorry your husband has done this to you. You might want to check out our resources page for wives. I also recommend you contact Comfort Christian Counseling. Ella Hutchinson has written for us many times. She has some great resources on her website. In addition, it sounds like you might need to talk to someone to help you get through the pain of this. Your trauma is very real and should not be treated like a small matter. Consider looking up a counselor in your local area.
I pray your husband will come around, but most of all, I pray you will find the help you need for your heart.
Dawn:
I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be visiting the covenant eyes blog again. I hope that this message makes it out to you. Sean is entitled to his opinion and I’m entitled to mine, so here it is!
You are feeling the exact same feeling as so many of us have and are feeling right now. When I found out that my husband was using porn while attending seminary, I was sick. I felt like I’d been shot in the stomach. Everything went numb and fuzzy followed by excruciating, deep running anger. I can tell you that I do remember ending up in my pajamas at his night class, but I cannot remember how I got there. I understand, more than you know, the pain and disappointment you’re feeling right now.
As for your question, asking your husband to see the details of the sites he has visited may not be the best decision for YOU. I can remember all of those site names I saw that day by heart. They stained in my minds eye, and I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if those were associated with an image. It’s your decision, obviously, but I don’t see how seeing these images is going to bring healing in your marraige. It can only make matters worse and bring you deeper into your disbelief and confusion. Also, don’t allow the enemy to have access to your mind…keep it guarded.
Do you have anyone you can reach out to? This needs to be brought to the light as soon as possbile. The best case scenario would be you and your husband seeking professional sexual addiction counseling. You can also reach out to your pastor or someone that you know has the best interest of your marriage at heart. Don’t wait on doing this…time is not your friend.
Harboring this kind of disappointment can turn into despair very quickly. The enemy wants to make pornography “no big deal” so that our marriages end and our famlilies are destroyed. It doesn’t matter what words people like Sean type or what the media wants us to believe about pornography, the truth lies within our hearts. When your husband desires to be with another woman, that’s going to affect you…and it should. Don’t let anyone EVER tell you any different.
My prayer for you is that you will discuss your feelings with your husband, that he will have open eyes to his sin, and how he is hurting the one he should be protecting. I pray that he will be open to seeking counsel and start rebuilding trust with his wife. The sooner you do this, the shorter the path to healing will be.
You are being prayed for and lifted up, Dawn!
I was shocked when reading this article. I thought maybe I wasn’t being as understanding as I should. At the same time I could not stop the pain that felt like my heart had been ripped open.I could not stop the tears at night and when it just became too much.When reading this it was like something I had written word for word.I had become so unhappy with my body I could never look in the mirror when getting in the shower or getting dressed. Now this happens it only confirms what I feared, that I am disgusting!How can I ever get past this? I want to see the websites he looked at, to see if they are as bad as I see in my head. I feel for some reason that it is wrong to ask him this. Do I have the right?
I did not read all of the post. I had only looked at the 1st.few. I was in no way replying to sean’s post. I have a feeling this is the last time I will be on this website. I think this is a great website, right now I’m to anger to listen to jerk’s like this.