Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
also, i find it very very amusing that all these “christians” are posting about how they are upset that their boyfriends look at porn or that their 2nd or 3rd husbands look at porn. If your so high and mighty to have a religious based moral issue against pornography, what are you doing having premartial sex or getting divorced? lol at the level of hypocrisy from the posters on this site.
Most of you people are just… wow. Let me say this, there is a huge difference between a casual watcher of porn and someone who ‘uses’ it. If your husband is ignoring your sexual needs, ignores you, etc etc, and chooses porn instead of you, or spends hours watching the stuff then obviously there is a problem.
But I’d say that most men who watch pornography are in no danger of this. They turn it on, do their business , turn it off and go about their day still loving their wives and showing them attention etc etc.
Most of the post on this forum are from jealous women, who are upset their husbands dont sit around all day fantasizing about them. If you took away the pornography (which is whole other issue) men would just close their eyes and use their imaginations and its probally not going to be starring you. So as long as the man isnt an actual addict , just get over it. There is nothing wrong with it. Most of the problems the women have described come from their own low self esteem and inimaticy issues. Do you think that if your husband found you watching porn he would be upset you were lusting after other men? or would be excited? be honest.
You’re welcome, and to clarify, I didn’t elaborate on my “rock bottom” that ensued as a result of me becoming a dancer, but it is an industry filled with alcohol, drugs, lies, sex, and the list goes on and on. But I believe I was put in that valley for a reason, because had I not been in that dark of a place, I would never have had the relationship with God that I have today. Are you ready for the kicker? I thought I was a Christian before all that!!! My point is that women who are the “victims” of their husbands looking at porn so often blame themselves, and hit these “rock bottoms”, but these are the times you WILL find your strength. When you’re at your lowest point, there’s nowhere else to go but up. If there are any of you out there still struggling with this, I would be happy to talk to you..I know how gut wrenching it is, and even though you never forget, it does get better, if you just give it to Jesus and keep talking to him, like you would your best friend.
I have also been on the receiving end of my husband looking at porn, and my heart aches for you women..I know how empty it can make you feel. It almost ruined my life. I was determined that if I couldn’t beat them, I would join them, and I became an exotic dancer to prove to myself that I was attractive enough to turn on other men. I did very well financially, but had a void in my life, hit rock bottom, and realized that void could only be filled with God. I realized that I don’t need any person’s approval..only God’s..and I do agree that masturbation is a normal expression of release, but perhaps married men should use pictures of their wives to masturbate to :)))) God wants your marriages to be exciting and passionate, so why not give each other some visual and verbal stimulation..I am in no way saying that if you keep your husband pleased, he won’t look, because some men have real problems and they’re addicts. But those addictions are nothing God can’t handle. God wants you to be happy, and if you’re not happy, then you’re learning something and will come out a stronger person. I know for me, I just had to keep praying and praying. I felt like I didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness or love at all, but after all that praying and reading my bible, I now feel like I have his favor. Hope this helps some of you out there.
Thank you so much for sharing, Sherri!
My first husband watched porn on my computer when I was working grave yard shifts. I felt so hurt. After him swearing he would never again I found it six month later. we divorced and I am remarried. he is a amazing husband and he promised before we got married he would never watch it. I told him I could not deal with it. like he could not deal if I cheated. five months after our wedding I found it on his computer. he watched it when I went to my mothers and he was alone for a few hours at home. but when I confronted him he owned up and did not lie. He saw how upset I was. I had flash backs of my past husband and all my fears and insecurities came back. I believed he wouldn’t do that. I trusted him. after I fell apart and went outside for some alone time he broke his computer and swore up and down he would never ever hurt me again. And he hasn’t since. now I am working 24 hour shifts and I’m gone at night sometimes. were in a difficult spot with bills so I have to. now at night I’m so scared he is watching it again. He asked me not to bring it up again and please drop it. so I’m trying not to bring up the past of what he did but its burned in my mind. I don’t know how to get over it. I love him more then anything but I’m scared of getting hurt again. what do I do?
Hi Baye,
I feel terrible about your situation. You’re dealing with the double-hurt of past issues with your first husband and fresh infidelities of your current husband.
There are a couple things to keep in mind. Reestablishing trust in your husband is something that must happen gradually over time, but it is also something he must earn through his actions. Continuing to spy on him may give you peace of mind for a moment (or shatter your heart if something pornographic is found), but the best-case scenario should be an open door policy. His pride is certainly wounded from being discovered, and of course there is a high degree of shame going on (and rightfully so). So talking to you again about when he considers the matter “settled” is not going to be easy for him.
Rather than talking about this issue whenever it pops into your mind, suggest to him a regularly scheduled time to allow him to “check in” with you. One counselor I knows calls it having a “State of the Union Address.” This frees him from the threat of having to answer questions all the time, but it also gives you a routined time of talking to him about his struggles, his temptations, his difficulties. Doing this would be a big step, and awkward at first, but let him know this would be a great help to you.
Feel free to check out more of our resources for wives. I hope you find something you’re looking for. This video series is particularly excellent.
I have been married to my husband for 4 years and he is addicted to porn. He has confronted me when it started and I know why he does it. It hurts my feeling and cry about it every day. He knows i dont like it and will not stop. I do not know what to do. I am not the one who does it but makes me feel dirty. When we are Intimate I am afraid he is thinking about someone else. I feel like I am not beautiful or I don’t have that body. He says he has had this problem since he was 10. How can you break a habit that you have had for 14 years? How do I stay in a relationship if he doesn’t respect me?
Hi Adriana,
That’s a tough position to be in. If you haven’t already, I recommend downloading our e-book Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. It will help you determine next steps to help you bring healing to your relationship. You should also download Hope After Porn, which shares stories of wives who have dealt with porn in their marriage and found healing and recovery.
I also strongly recommend that you find a counselor with training in porn addiction and recovery. Dr. Doug Weiss, I believe, offers free half-hour consultations. There’s a list of other suggested counselors in Porn and Your Husband. If you choose to find someone locally, make sure you ask them their thoughts on porn use among men before you set up an appointment. If they take the stance of “It’s no big deal,” find someone else.
When my husband and I were dating he took me out one night and proceeded to tell me that he had something the holy spirit was leading him to tell me. I immediately began to panic. He told me of how he had been introduced to pornography at a young age of 10 or 11 and how he had dealt with it since. At that point he was doing well and not intentionally seeking after it. (He was only dealing with the lust every man deals with that screams at them from every angle.) I was completely crushed. I was 25 yrs of age at this point and had never given my virginity away to anyone and honest to God didn’t even know how sex worked til we went through our premarital counseling 6 weeks before we were married. That’s right-even after he told me of his struggles with this horrendous thing I still made the choice to marry him-but it wasn’t an easy one. The night after he told me of these things I went through the roof (emotionally speaking.) We were very close to engagement and when I found that he hadn’t brought any of these things to my attention before marriage even became an option I was devastated. I felt mislead and that I couldn’t trust this man, or even my pastor for that matter. My boyfriend was in complete accountability with our pastor and he knew everything he struggled with. After my boyfriend saw how it all affected me so deeply we knew it would either make our relationship stronger or completely obliterate it. We met with our pastor and I was outraged that neither of these men told me anything of this before this point but after many tears and discussion, at the end of that talk, I decided that I loved him and that I wasn’t perfect (even though sexually I had no where experienced what he had) and that I wanted to continue the relationship to engagement and marriage. My boyfriend was very repentant and cried his eyes out that day apologizing and asking for forgiveness for not telling me sooner.
My now husband had Covenant Eyes installed on all his computers and the reports were being sent to two of our pastors. Accountability at last. I felt secure in knowing our pastors would “call him out” if anything pornographic was flagged. But I still continued to live paranoid that he was finding pleasure elsewhere. I was having difficulty trusting him and I would look on his phone and search internet history to see if he was looking at something he shouldn’t. Well, all had seemed well until last night. We’ve been married a little over 3 years. I found out that he had a friend disable his ability to use the apple store on his phone. This was very odd to me and I further inquired why. He told me he had downloaded another search engine app and it was tempting him to view things he shouldn’t and there was no way to track its history so instead of placing himself in such a position, he asked a friend to gain access over his apple store id and password so that he wouldn’t be tempted to download these search engines again. Well, this was a HUGE red flag to me so I asked for his phone. (It had become in the last few months understood that I would search all throughout his phone at any time, and he finally agreed to that and was fine with it.)
Well, I found all his website data on his iphone. I scrolled through it and there were numerous pornographic websites threaded throughout the list. I confronted him about it and he was in complete shock. What makes it even worse is that all throughout our marriage I’ve asked him on occassion how he is doing with his struggles (just wanting a “good” or “not too good” answer and he’s not once responded with “not too good”. I was trying my hardest to believe him and trust him that I always did. So not only have I found that he’s been looking at it on occassion throughout the last year and a half but that he’s outright been lying to me when I’ve point blank asked him if he’s been looking at any of it. Now within there lies two major problems in our marriage. And to top it all off I’m almost 7 months pregnant with our first child and closing on our first house in just a few days. I am having this mans child and about to sign a contract with him on the closing of our house and I am just now finding out all this. He told me he’s wanted to tell me but that he’s been too scared to – afraid that I would leave him.
Today is a new day and even though I hardly slept a wink last night and cried my eyes out til they’re puffy – we were able to better talk through things this morning and get out our questions and frustrations and now I’m working on extending love, grace and compassion in the midst of my anger, fear and betrayal – yet again. I needed to write to get this off my chest and share with you a poem I wrote when all this happened the first time around:
State of Mind
My soul is enveloped with rage and anger, yet my spirit longs to love and trust again
I feel the entrapment of deep pain
Yet my heart longs to give freedom to the source of my pain
I long to be free from the anger
I long to be free from the rage
She’s someone’s daughter you know- someone’s little girl
A girl who has been hurt by the world
And so she has turned
To find her love in the acceptance of another man’s eye
Doesn’t she know there is a love that money can’t buy
I can see God’s hand
For when I desire to explode with anger
All that I extend is grace
But that doesn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face
My heart hurts-it feels it has been betrayed
Let me sleep.
Sleep the day away
Then I won’t feel the pain
…this could not better describe how I feel at the moment. I feel as though I’m living a nightmare and I want to wake up and believe none of it ever happened. But it did, and I’m having to filter though everything and find healing again – in the midst of one of the biggest changes of our lives (the birth of our first child and purchasing our first house)
My husband has already met with our pastor and has a plan to meet with him and other men at least once a week to pray and establish accountability yet again. He used to do this and somewhere along the hurt of last years events of the loss of our first pregnancy he turned into this temptation yet again.
Please pray for us and for God’s healing power and ultimate breaking of this generational curse in my husbands life. It’s going to be a difficult road but we are taking it and I told him I need him to fight – fight for himself, for me as his wife and for his soon to be son – that neither he nor I wan’t to ever have to deal with the incredible grip this sin takes on a man.
Hi Elizabeth. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I know you must feel terrible, but it is good to see that you are running to God as your refuge.
Knowing the raw details can be the toughest part. It is one thing to hear “I’ve had a bad day,” and it is another thing to see a list of perverse sounding websites, knowing your husband was looking at all of them. A man needs to be open about whatever details his wife wants to know (this keeps him honest and not hiding behind any pretenses).
At the same time, it is also healthy for couples to acknowledge how much knowledge is too much knowledge. This is not an easy question to answer. You might enjoy reading, “Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives?”
I wish you the best as you pick up the pieces. Let us know how we can help!
Thank you for the words of encouragment!!
My husband has been doing the porn thing for 7 yrs off and on. The first time he apologized and admitted it was wrong. Lately its the fact that he does and deletes it and I know then he lies. Also it goes into “if your not happy why are you with me” so Its like now I just can’t even say it our bring it up. Or else im pushing him out the door. I have to just take it. Im a firm believer in NO DIVORCE, and we have 2 children. Please help
Amanda S,
Thanks for sharing your question. It is so sad when a man becomes callous over this sin.
In our e-book, Hope After Porn, four women share a story similar to yours. All of them dealt with their husband’s betrayal through pornography. All of them tried to plead with their husbands to change. But in the end, when nothing else seemed to work, they all put deliberate distance between themselves and their husbands. They all decided that enough was enough.
In the end, I believe there are times when clear boundaries and even separation are necessary things. I am also a firm believer in avoiding divorce, but when a wife puts clear boundaries between herself and her cheating husband (that is, after all, what is he doing by watching porn) then she is putting her foot down, saying she will not tolerate other women in their marriage. If this is done with a view towards eventual reconciliation, it can have a profound impact on a man. If he has been caught over and over with no consequences, he has learned that he can get away with watching porn with a simple apology.
I recommend you read this article from Christian counselor Ella Hutchinson. It is Part 3 in a series of post on questions wives of porn addicts often ask. You can also read Part 1 and Part 2.
I am 21 years old. My boyfriend of 3 years is 22. We have a 1 1/2 old daughter. I recently found out he has been looking at porn 2-3 times a week since before we started dating. We have broken up 2 times because our sex life was 2-3 times a month after I got pregnant and had our child. Before it was everyday. Yet he said he’s looked at it sense the beginning but says the reason we never had a sex life was because of him watching porn. I’m so mad for 2 1/2 years I felt bad about.myself because he never wanted to make love and would cry myself to sleep and he knew. I’m a Christian was raised porn was wrong and told him from dat one if ur with me u don’t look at girls. If we watch the notebook and a sex scene comes up we fastforward it. I feel so betrayed and just want to leave him. Threw out our relationship he cheated on me once before my daughter, and the two times we broke up because of our sex life he slept with girls the day after we broke up. We have been seeing a coubsiler Nd everything has been great now this. He said he prayed and gave it to god and needed to tell me but now I feel so self consious. I am skinnier now than before I was pregnant, tan and am good looking. I have guys who would love to date me yet I stated with him. I do love him but what little trust I had I don’t have anymore. I’m ready to call it quits cause I don’t deserve this. I’m with the one guy I promised myself growing up I would never be with. I just don’t know what to do. He promised he told me because he stopped but I feel like I don’t know him, was our love ever real. I just feel like this Is worse than him sleeping with someone when we broke up because we have been together the whole time, and his eyes are for only me. What should I do not talk to him for a couple weeks so I can get over the sting? He’s acting like everything is fine its in his past ( four days ago) and he won’t do it again. But I don’t trust.him I don’t.live with him and he has.roomates I think he wants every girl out there. I was never an insucure person until I started dating him from the cheating, and now porn. I feel disrespected and worthless especially because we broke up from our sex life.and he still didn’t stop. His porn was more to him than me and our daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
@tara – I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I ready stories like yours every day through our comments here. This kind of situation is sadly common.
First, it is good that you have put your foot down about the pornography. It is good you haven’t bought into the lie that porn is harmless. As you have already seen, it has harmed your sex life. It hijacks a man’s mind and heart.
Second, the next step for you is to tell him what rebuilding your trust needs to look like. He snuck around for years behind your back with pornography. And while he might have thought he was keeping the secret because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, he was being unfaithful to you in his heart. Now, if the relationship is going to be repaired, he needs to make every stride to regain your trust. But he needs to know what that looks like. If you could trust him again, what does he need to do to show you he is trustworthy? I know it will take time, but he needs to know what specifically rebuilding trust involves. Don’t be afraid to come up with a list of specifics. Do you want him to get an accountability program on his computer? Do you want him to throw out pornography he has? Do you want him to tell you everywhere he accesses pornography?
Third, your feelings of insecurity are also very common for women in your situation. For many women, when their man watches porn it feels like they are being cheated on. Here are some free resources that might be able to help you work through this:
1. You might want to read our free e-book: Porn and Your Husband.
2. Read our series by Christian counselor Ella Hutchinson: “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”
3. Read our article by Christian counselor Sherry Allchin: “Why am I not enough for him?”
4. Read our post by Christian counselor Melissa Haas: “Marriage Advice: ‘Why is he attracted to porn instead of me?’”
5. Read our post by Christian counselor Mark Gaither: “When Love Has to Get Tough.”
I hope these give you a good place to start!