Tears betray your pillow and meet your lips and you wonder how betrayal has become such a faithful word in your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You loved him when you said those vows; now it’s hard to remember what you ever loved. There are pieces you remember, but everything is a mess. You’ve tried so hard, so very hard, to measure up to everyone in your life, including yourself, and after never feeling good enough you’ve been marked with the same failure by the one who was supposed to be faithful for life: your husband. Sometimes the word “husband” doesn’t want to come from your lips, much less your heart. With husband comes betrayal. And betrayal stings. Nothing in your life has hurt like this.
I know. I’ve been there. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as my husband slept peacefully beside me. He didn’t know the torment I went through because of his porn addiction. I didn’t tell him how I rarely slept because I worried his dreams were of other women. I didn’t tell him that I feared him coming in the bathroom before I finished my shower, afraid he might see my imperfections before I had a chance to mask them over with makeup and clothes. And you don’t have to tell me these things either, because I know. I know this pain is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced.
Oh dear, beautiful wife, I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from these lies, from these wounds. But I can’t. I wish your husband could always, always protect you from this pain and never hurt you again. But he can’t. There is one wish I have for you and I know it can be yours if you want it. The gift of God’s love in your life.
Your husband may fail you time and time again. You may never feel good enough to anyone in this world. But God will never fail you and there are no “enough’s” to Him. You are you. So beautiful. So unique. Lovely in every imperfect perfection. When you are tasting your tears in the middle of the night or hiding them in the middle of the day, know that God loves you just the way you are. Pain will enter your life, but He will comfort you when no one else is there to taste your tears. He knows. He knows your pain even deeper than I—a fellow wife—could ever know.
So often we push God away when pain enters our hearts. But this is when we need Him the most. Cling to Him when you want to run from everyone. Let Him hold you when your husband isn’t wiping your tears. He will meet you where you are and bring you out of the darkness, if you are willing.
Take His hand.
Betrayal was a faithful word in my life until I took God’s hand. It was there, in the comfort of His healing touch, that I found the faithfulness I’d been longing for. No man. No woman. No parent. No friend. No one can ever be God in our lives. When I finally experienced His faithfulness my tears didn’t subside, but they finally had a safe place to land. Pain will come and go as you journey through the effects of betrayal. Bad days and good days will rollercoaster through your heart like they never have before. But there is peace, comfort, and joy. There is a gift and a protector reaching out to you. There is One, and only One, who can show you the true meaning of the world faithful.
And that is my hope for you. To experience the beauty of faithfulness in your life, no matter how unfaithful the world is to you.
This article brought me to tears. You described exactly how I feel. I found out that my husband was addicted to pornography after only 3 months of marriage. We went to counseling, installed covenant eyes and I assumed (incorrectly) that it was behind us.
Not so when I woke up Saturday morning to an e-mail from CE listing all of the explicit sites my husband had visited the previous night. He woke up and confessed that he knew that I would find out because of the accountability tool but at the time just didn’t care.
It had been more than 3 years since he had looked at anything even questionable.
Where do I go from here? He is commited to doing whatever it takes to keep me (his words) but I dont know how I will ever trust him again. I had just begun trusting him, 3 yrs after the last time and this felt even worse. to ake it more awful, because of the accountability report, I was forced to see exactly what sites he went to.
I love my husband but I don’t know what to do now..
I am praying for you, Mary Jane. As well as all women who bear the scars of sexual impurity in their marriage.
God bless you, Ashley, for your article and your book; it’s a measure of God’s grace to let us know we are not alone. I still struggle, not so much with the initial shock of the betrayal in my marriage, but with my unwillingness to be tested by this fire. Even though I know, intellectually, that Hosea was, according to God, instructed to marry Gomer who was unfaithful to him, I often see the unjust nature of it all rather than God using Hosea to illustrate the faithfulness of God. My own sins are countless, especially where “fairness” and self-righteousness are concerned.
Us wives are beacons really — for those who remain in our marriages and seek to live in peace, forgiving the offenses and maintaining a love for our husbands — a beacon of Christ’s love. I can honestly say that I no longer trust my husband and since it’s been many years now, I don’t see how trust can be rebuilt. I do have a love for him, though, because he is created in the image of God — and the love, honor and respect I show for him comes only from God’s grace. I have none of my own to give.
Please pray for me, too — that God would bring peace to my soul and destroy the longing of my heart to be with an honorable man.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” — Kahlil Gibran
Hi Mary Jane I was trying to read all the responses to your initial post but tears cloud my eyes. I would suggest, if you haven’t already done so, that you visit settingcaptivesfree.com. I am presently enrolled in their free 60day course A United Front for wives of husbands with sexual addiction and they also have Way of Purity for husbands addicted to porn etc. I will keep you in prayer
@Mary Jane – You are being blanketed with prayer. Every bit of this is God’s will. And God’s will cannot be thwarted by any devil, flesh, or worldly doctrine!
“It is accomplished.” -Jesus
I think that what I am about to go through is the whole reason God led me back to the church.
My husband and I have made some very bad decisions during our married life and it’s time for that to change.
We have hurt each other inadvertently, yet deeply.
Now I must be strong yet gentle as I claime autonomy over my body and allow no human to sway me from what is right. He’ll be quite upset that his ‘gone religious’ wife is now doing exactly what he angrily warned me against, namely ‘getting brainwashed by perverted notions.
He fiercly believes that life should be a free for all mostly.
I’m sure he would want our daughter to remain pure until marriage, but he hold a different standard for himself and therefore for me.
I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide my timeing, my actions, and my words.
In many ways it seems that I’m about to face Satan himself squarely in the eye.
I’m praying hard for courage. He likes to dominate and displayes no caring nothing about my feelings. As long as I’m his ‘yes man’, things are smooth and rosy, happy and peaceful.
I’ll put on the armor of God and wait for the hurricaine to pass. Once he has exploded and vented, perhaps then God will work on him.
Please, please keep praying for me…the next couple of weeks shall be really rough very soon.
All your advice is so wise and sound. Thank you all!
Hey Mary Jane — I’d love to talk with you more and pray for you throughout your journey. Please email me if you want. ashleyweis23@gmail.com
Thank you for sharing. I am coming out of this. There is hope, healing and strength in Christ and Christ alone. Without Him, I don’t believe we can ever have healing or peace. He will give you the strength to not be hard, bitter and angry. Praying His healing on all our wounds. AMEN.
Ashely and David,
Your replies are so great and helpful.
You both articulated the honest-to-goodness truth about what I need to do and why I need to do it.
Please continue to pray fervently daily for me.
My 45th birthday is coming up on Nov 02 and for me it’s going to be a turning point in my life (like some people think of 50).
I am petrified to stand up to such a strong personality as my husband.
But I will, for all the reasons I must. Just as you both stated so eloquently.
My husband is the king of self-centeredness and he is also anti-religion.
Still, the Holy Spirit can guide me as to be totally honest, yet gentle at the same time.
I want to finally stop fearing man and it’s apparently going to take a big giant leap to get me there…no baby steps for me I guess. Just as well.
I plan to ask him for 3 things that he totally opposes. First, to get his prior marriage formally annuled so that if the occasion arised for us to renew our vows, perhaps on our 20th anniversary, then the abilty to do it in the Church will be there. Secondly for him to give up pornography 100% because a husband should not look at other women and should keep his eyes and heart only for his wife. Thirdly, I’m going to ask him to stop masturbating alone. His body should also be only for me and mine only for him.
Please, please , please pray hard for me to see the way to voice my opinions about these 3 things gently but fully honestly without bending to his opposition. I am so nervous.
Mary Jane
@Mary Jane – My wife Kim and I will continue to pray the Lord flood you and your husband with need-fulfilling mercies in super-abundance. There is a Mercy Me song we love to sing that you may really like. It’s called, “Hold Fast (Help is on the Way).”
Blessings
Dearest Mary Jane, I can only imagine the devastation this is causing you. I don’t think an ultimatum is necessary. Your husband can make his won decisions and mistakes, but honesty on your part is needed. He really isn’t in a position to choose you or pornography if you have pretended to be okay with it. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, I would just let him know how you feel, honestly. How hurt this has made you. How your previous husband wounded you with the same arrows. What he chooses to do after he knows the truth of your heart is up to him — he can choose selfishness or selflessness. He can choose to love you more than himself and seek God, or he can choose to run from God and truth and love himself more. But this has to be his own decision so that he can take full credit for his mistakes and triumphs without being able to blame you for his mistakes. I really think it’s time that honesty is spoken from your lips, as hard as it may be to finally free those hurts. It won’t be easy and I can’t say whether or not he will respond with love, but love is honest and you have to start there. I’ll be praying for you. That your daughter will see true love in her mommy no matter what the outcome is here. That your heart will be healed regardless of your husbands actions. That your husband’s heart will rediscover the meaning of love and purity. And that your marriage will find the beauty it’s been longing for.
@Ashley – Well said. It always starts with honesty. Amazingly powerful things happen when truth is brought into the physical realm via the spoken word or the written word. #1) It becomes tangible! In other words, it can never be covered up or denied again. #2 It brings peace in your heart. #3) It becomes hard evidence that is boisterous, like the ‘elephant in the room,’ pretty soon it must be dealt with because it keeps on knocking things over and being bumped into. #4) It gives fear of man a fatal punch. #5) It keeps you from continuing walking in darkness, which will keep you from being open, honest, and transparent. #5) It puts you right in the center of God’s will. #6) It brings freedom. #7) It starts true healing.
@Mary JaneRemember, you cannot complain about what you refuse to fight against. You can only be controlled by what you fear. You are responsible for the truth and discernment that has been given to you. You have a right and an obligation to stand on Truth. Do so and Truth will stand with you. Trust Jesus and appropriate God’s Word with NO COMPROMISE!
Also an absolutely MUST read is, “When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart” by Kathy Gallagher, wife of Steve Gallagher, founder of Pure Life Ministries. By the way, a phenomenal place for strength is purelifeministries.org.
Where do I start?
My first husband coerced me into premarital sex and pornography as a ‘normal’ part of marriage.
My second, current, husband of 18 years, also expects pornography to be considered normal and ok by me.
I have always felt betrayed by my man looking at other women, but was too timid to speak up, so I went along with it.
My current husband and i haven’t had sex in 5 or 6 months. It’s been easier to avoid. I have long felt like his dirty prostitute whenever we have sex.
I’m ready to request that pornography leave this marriage entirely, but don’t even know how to start.
We have a 8 year old child and basically keep the image of a loving family for her, and want to find a way to give me what I want and have his heart change whitout resorting to ultimatums (for her sake),but I am hurting and he doesn’t care one bit.
Any advice is appreciated.
Mary Jane, my heart hurts for you. I will be praying for you. For me, prayer and fasting has been a tremendous power in changing my marriage and relationship with my husband, and helping heal his addiction to porn. When you fast, read Isaiah 58. God wants to let the oppressed go free, and He can break every yoke of bondage. Commit it to God, and don’t try to carry the load alone. Each morning say, “God, I commit my husband to YOU to change.” Pray, pray, pray. And wait patiently. Seek out a mentor for advice and encouragement. Pray scripture verses for your husband.(Eph.1:17-19, Rom.8:6, Prov.3:5-6, Col.1:9-12, Ps.19:14, 1 Cor.10:13). Pray hedges of protection around his mind and thought life. Ask God to prevent him from viewing pornography. And finally, God is able to do EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY above all we could ask or think. May God bless you, dear sister!!
Mary Jane,
First, I commend you for taking a stand and being honest about your own insecurities that led you to participate in the past. Praise be to God that the past can be the past as we come to Him and repent. Repentance is asking for forgiveness and then turning away from sin. Being a wife who is walking this path now I would say to first go to your heavenly Father and repent. He will give you the strength to stand at this time although it will not be easy. Jesus died on the cross and rose again to give us this power. Get into scripture every day and as the other post said pray and fast. Prayer is powerful!
After reading so much information about porn addiction from the leading programs directed to men and to the spouse I have the following to offer. Get informed about the addiction by reading information. P. Carnes, Focus on the Family, Partners for Purity are all great resources as well as many books. Give your husband your testimony and what you desire out of him as a husband. Stay away from blame as this is a shameful sin and addiction. As difficult as it is you need to show your husband respect at this time as you deal with the issue. In Ephesians we are called to respect our husbands and that is unconditional, not if he deserves it. It is God’s command to respect him as his role just as he is to love the wife unconditionally not if he feels it. Read up on respect before approaching him. Here is a great website to start and I have read her book.
As many men who lead recovery programs have said, men will be motivated to be sober by their love for their wife, but fear is what will cause them to get serious about change. If he shows no signs of willingness to get sober, I would prayfully consider a seperation which is biblical and as many men have said it will get the addicts attention to make a change. Sometimes that is what it takes. Again, prayfully consider that. You can reinforc your love, your commitment but you need time to work on yourself and to give him time to make some choices. He is responsbile for his sobriety and this battle. You can be a strong influence for good, but you cannot control it. You must turn him over to God and ask God to strengthen you. Realize you cannot control him or make him stop. The best thing you can do is give him over to God to be dealt with. God is amazing. He knows your pain and He desires more than you even for your husband to be free. He is in a strong hold right now and this is a spiritual battle as the enemy has sold him a counterfeit. Prayer will do amazing things as you allow God to work in you both. Also, praise God even through the trial. Priase Him for who He is, that He is sovereign, that He is our creator and redeemer. As Paul says, praise Him in all situtations. God has a work to do you in you through this too. A marriage tested comes out stronger than before so keep the goal in mind.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Love in Christ,
Lilly
Kay,
Thank you so much for your response and advice it is much appreciated. I have tried talking to him about it again but he still denies it and gets defensive and mad. He isn’t drinking right now because he’s away at work so he isn’t calling me those mean names. He also said he wants to change and not get mad so easily. Thank you for recommending the books, I plan to read both. I guess I just have to drop the issue of the porn to keep peace, at least for now. Thanks again!
Laura
Blessings, Laura, and let us know if we can help further. Kay
Such truth. Thank you for your encouraging post. Though I am past the deep pain of betrayal, and though my husband now lives a God-fearing and faithful life, I remember so clearly the way God held me as I wept every day for years. He truly is the God of all comfort. I would never have made it through without Him!
Praise God!
Dene, it is so good to see your comment. It gives me hope that there’s an end to this pain.
I just read your article and it was beautiful. I’m thankful God is there for us. I just discovered porn on my husbands phone but he denies looking at it and says it must be spam. I don’t believe him. He has lied in the past and i’ve been trying to regain my trust. He gets very mad when I try to talk about it…calling me dumb and idiot and saying other not nice things. Any advice is much appreciated!
Hey Laura. Well, I’d say if he’s calling you dumb and an idiot for any reason whatsoever, that is verbal abuse. Whatever the reason for these things on his phone, the two of you should be able to work together for a solution. Your trust can only be based on his trustworthy behavior. I wonder what would happen if you tried talking to him about it again? Is he able to have a conversation about his anger and unkind words? Does he ever apologize for these behaviors? If not, then I’d say you need to think about what your boundaries need to be in this relationship. I wonder if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? You might also appreciate Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book, Boundaries in Marriage. Have a look at those things and let me know what you think. Because whatever is going on with your husband, calling you names and treating you badly is not acceptable in my book. You ought to be able to talk things through and work it out. Blessings, Kay
Thank you for sharing your feelings it helps to know I am not alone but it doesn’t fix 43yrs of tears and hurts!
Any man who would disrespect his wife like this is capable of doing anything! Be smart and move on. “God” does not expect us to compromise our faith and beliefs to be with someone who is so disrespectful to us…..not only as a wife, mother, partner in life and equal but as a woman……God says love thyself; that means not letting anyone treat you in any manner that is considered disrespectful to us, our feelings or self respect!!
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you
Thank you so much
I seriously don’t know who to believe because my husband has cheated so many times online and reality.. I think is has porn addiction and he has lied to me so many times.he promises and goes off lieing. Sometimes I just feel like I want to walk out of this marriage.
Hey Josie, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced in your marriage. It’s so hard and sad to be committed to a relationship while the other person cheats. Learning how to have good, healthy boundaries in a situation like that is tough, too. Here’s an article about what healthy boundaries look like. You might also like to read our free download, Hope After Porn. And there’s a great book called Boundaries in Marriage that might help as well. I’d also encourage you to look for support for yourself, maybe through Celebrate Recovery, S Anon or even Al Anon. Those groups do a good job of helping you identify what’s your responsibility to work on, what’s not your job, and how you can be healthy. Blessings, Kay
Thanks u for this after what happen with my soon to be husband of 6 yrs I need to kno that I need God because he is the one i need to be on my side the one I should want to be better for the one that loves me no matter what my flaws are
I found my soon to be husband watching prob on his phone time and time again I talk to him about it he gave me the lame excuse it’s a guy thing and I shouldn’t feel no way about so I let it go on until I found it on his phone I check the time that he watched it and it was right after (1-2) hrs after what I thought was amazing intake sex with him
Before we had just had a son and really unsure about my body so I wouldn’t like to have as much sex as he liked so I always blamed it on that but I have worked very hard to loose 30 lbs and happy to say I look great 200lbs down to 160 yesssss I now feel good wearing sexy outfits for him and started to feel like I was the reason he was turned on but then again one night after what I thought of again of amazing sex I find him 2 hrs later on the couch pleasing himself to his phone I felt heart broken I felt hurt I wanted to kno why what was there need to watch porn he said he was just jacking his d*** really I said for u to be able to do that you have to be attracted to what u are watching u have to want it lust over it and he said I never seen it like that but I’m just jacking my d*** at that point I realized he didn’t get it and he is upset that I am (me) letting porn get between us but I told him I don’t want to be with a person that can’t help him self and needs porn or feels like it’s nothing so while searching things over the Internet I come across this and I begin to pray and ask God to heal me heart because at the time I wanted to just but the blame on my self and break myself down but it’s him who needs help lord and I shouldn’t be trying to better my self for him (soon to be husband ) I shouldn’t concern of what tricks I kno to please him or worry about loosing the lbs to fit into the sexy underwear he likes I need to worry about praising the lord and being better for him and everything else would fall into place I just need derection because other is making me feel like it’s my fault and if we break up its because I let it come between what am I to do ????
Hi Adriana. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now. First of all, it’s important to hold onto some of the important things you said here: this is not about you. This is your husband’s choice that he’s making. It’s absolutely possible for him to make changes, but he will have to do that himself.
What you can do is take responsibility for you. Educate yourself about porn and its impact on men. Think about what healthy boundaries will look like for you, and decide what action you need to take. Find a personal counselor if you need one. Definitely find a group where you can process through your emotions with safe people: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch. You don’t have to be alone in this! Find a counselor, find a group, get the support you need to make healthy decisions for yourself in your particular situation.
Here’s a listing of our top articles for wives. And here is a link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women tell their stories of recovery. Those may give you some more ideas of what steps will be right for you.
Let us know when you have more questions. Blessings Kay
Till this day I still struggle to deal with his porn use. He just watched it last night and lied about it. And of course I cried myself to sleep from the pain I felt that he lied about it and watched it again. Then he hurts me more by getting touchy feely with me knowing he just watched it. I told him as much as it bothers me that he watches it I know he just can’t stop so I’m trying my best to just deal with knowing. But I also told him that when he does watch it for him not to disrespect me and get grabby with me after watching it. And yet that’s exactly what he did. That hurt so bad that he would try anything knowing how I felt about his porn use. Because I don’t know if he’s really grabbing at me and loving me or grabbing at me and thinking of the women he just watched. It just hurts so much! Why can’t he just stop watching it!!!! I don’t know how to get through this. It’s just so hard. But now reading your words I believe with God’s help I can and will get through this. I’ve just got to believe that in time it will get better. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Hey there. I think it would be really worth your while to think about what healthy boundaries look like for you right now. Let me give you some links: here and here. Also, I think a counselor, just for you, is probably a good idea so that you can process your emotions and have some support as you decide how to proceed in your marriage. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy. Peace to you, Kay
Pornography can become an addiction. The greater problem is that throgh this activity you are funding criminals. Most of those girls and women are abducted. 300,000 of our daughters (average age is 13) get abducted off our US streets every year. Think what you are funding. It might make sense instead to boycott this activity! You may want to make a different choice
Wished my husband would see how much it hurts me. ?
I’m so sorry, Emily. I hope you’re finding support as you consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation? A counselor and/or a group can be a huge help. Even if your husband can’t see it, you can still make healthy choices for yourself. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries that are a good starting point. Blessings to you, Kay
I do not think they ever stop. I know. I have hurt for years from someone lying about this.
Hi Tricia, I think recovery is possible! But the person with the problem has to do the work. Whatever your significant other chooses to do, I hope that YOU will choose health and healing for YOU. A counselor can help you process that hurt, and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself. A trauma-focused group can provide great support, too. And you might like to check into the online resources at Bloom, which are especially for women recovering from marriage betrayal. Peace to you, Kay
I would love to believe in a god, it sounds beautifully comforting but my entire life i haven’t and in all honesty i don’t think i ever would i guess i believe in science too much of that but everything you said is how i’ve felt for a little over two years and it’s killing me every second of every day without having blind faith in a higher power is their really any way to not feel this hurt, am i forever going to be in tears, i need to not feel like this anymore i can’t actually remember what genuine happiness even feels like anymore. i don’t know whether i’m even deserving of love let alone able too feel love anymore. please any advice on how you overcome this, please.
So..my husband and I have been married for 7 years now. I’ve prayed, waited, forgiven over and over, and he still doesn’t care. We now have 2 children and I have stayed with him this long because I thought he was actually going to change, like he’s said so many times..
But now I am so over everything, and realize that I never should have beleiced him from the beginning..he’s cheated on me even when we were talking and engaged, and then even married. He’s watched porn continuously throughout out marriage, and from his confessions he says he only watches stuff once or twice a month..no matter how much or little he watches that, it’s still wrong and devastating to us and our family!
I’ve told him this so many times already and he always says “sorry”, but doesn’t mean it because he doesn’t do anything to change!
Have I read the articles? Yes. Have I shared them with him? Yes. But he still has such a complacent attitude and becomes very mean and defensive whenever I want to just sit down and talk! I am ashamed to say we have even argued in front of our kids..and I don’t want to become the mean, bitter, wife who doesn’t enjoy life, ministry or friends because of issues with her husband.
I guess it hurts the most because I left home 2,000 miles away to be with him, whom I thought was a real Christian! Now, it seems my only choice is to move back home with my kids and leave this verbally abusive, complacent, unappreciative man for good..
Hi Sue. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in this relationship. What a heartbreak. I think boundaries are so, so important: we can only be responsible for ourselves, and make healthy decisions for ourselves. Here and here are a couple of articles that might be helpful. And here’s one about porn and divorce that’s a good read. It seems like a counselor, just for you, would be helpful as you sort through emotions and think about your future. Of course we want marriages to be restored, but we can only do our part. Whatever your husband chooses, I hope you’ll choose to be healthy for you. Peace to you, Kay
I’ve recently discovered my husband has been addicted to porn for the whole 10 years of our marriage..I’ve have stuck by him this whole time though I have felt so lonely and that we lacked a bond . I am in so much pain. He says es sorry and doesn’t want to lose me…I don’t want to leave him..I don’t want anyone else ..I do feel like I wasn’t good enough ..That I tried to look pretty for him and birthed his children and he lied for 10 years and said he would never hurt me or look at porn.That other men did that but he didn’t. My Father looked at porn ..My stepdad looked at porn and broke my mother’s heart and it was the last thing I though my husband would do ..Much less for the whole marriage. I trusted him and my heart has been broke. I do not trust men. I know God is the ONLY one who can comfort me ..Thank you for this article it is so important. I pray my marriage can be saved and I can trust him again.
Can you not remove the comments from Paul..Your article helped me so much then I read his stupid comment and it’s Satan himself . Please remove this to help women because the nature of that man is evil.