Over the last decade, there have been a handful of professionals in the sex addiction treatment community who are trying to change the treatment of partners of sex addicts. This group is growing and has been joined by other therapists, life coaches, and pastoral counselors. It is exciting to see how much change has taken place and how many have adjusted their views to a more “partner-sensitive” approach.
Unfortunately, it isn’t enough. Too many partners of sex addicts are still being abused, mistreated, and neglected by those they should be able to feel safest with. Is it not enough that the person a woman trusted more than anyone in the world has betrayed her in the worst way possible, over and over again? Now she must cope with being misunderstood and disregarded by professionals and pastors as well.
Further, what she reads in many books and Internet articles deceives her into believing something is wrong with her as she desperately seeks guidance and understanding. Wives of sex addicts are left feeling confused and invalidated.
“Stop Bringing Up the Past”
Yesterday a woman who completed a couple’s intensive with me a few months ago contacted me, completely distraught. Her current therapist, who works closely with her husband’s therapist, informed her that her husband simply isn’t currently capable of handling anything beyond his own personal recovery. (In other words, she can’t expect him to be supportive of her.) She was basically told to stop asking questions about his past acting out and to stop bringing up the past, because it was too difficult for him.
I was shocked because my work with this couple was so positive. He really seemed to get what his wife was going through. He took responsibility for his actions and how he hurt her by his multiple affairs and infidelities. It was a great intensive, and this couple had so much potential.
Now the wife is being told to be more “Christlike” and just be patient with her husband. Sadly, this story is not the exception, but the norm. Is it Christlike not to feel? Is it Christlike not to grieve? That certainly isn’t my interpretation.
The “Stifle Your Feelings” Approach
It’s a common approach in many circles to use scare tactics to try to get wives to stifle their feelings, ignore their gut, and avoid setting healthy boundaries. Popular books have even told wives not to get upset by their husband doing a “double-take” at another woman in front of her, but instead to realize this is to be expected. (One of these book titles was originally included, but removed at the request of the author of the book.)
In addition, some books have even encouraged women not to ask their husband to leave the home because of sexual indiscretion, but instead to be supportive and loving with him as much as possible. Further, they’ll sometimes use the classic blame the victim technique by telling readers how they are just as unhealthy as their husband because they married him. Apparently this means they don’t have a right to be upset by his infidelity.
Some Christian leaders even warn wives that expressing any negative emotion or setting healthy boundaries will cause their husbands to, “stop sharing his struggles,” “return to his sexual sin,” and ultimately may be the cause of the end of the marriage. One leader explains that, “Many salvageable marriages have been destroyed by a husband’s poor choices and a wife’s intolerance.”
Instead of allowing themselves to feel sad or angry, this type of teaching tells wives to, “Help your husband to feel safe and secure in the marriage.” While this may sound appalling, it is a position taken (often in a less overt way) by many in helping roles such as counselors and pastors.
Dr. Doug Weiss, who has been treating sexual addiction for over twenty years shared his opinion on this topic with me by stating, “Therapists babysit the addict to the point where he relapses. Once an addict realizes he is in a system where he can lie, he will. The therapist creates the system. The therapist is colluding with the addict. Why should an addict have that power? He is the perpetrator. She is not the perpetrator. People are suffering because of this paradigm.” Therapists aren’t the only ones creating this system, but they may be some of the most damaging.
Recognizing the Loss Partners Have Suffered
My purpose here is not to vilify sex addicts. Those active in their addiction don’t enjoy their lifestyle and usually make multiple attempts to stop on their own to no avail. A true sex addict, versus a “philanderer,” “player,” or someone lacking a moral compass, does not intend to hurt anyone by his actions.
However, just like the alcoholic who kills someone while drinking and driving, a sex addict must take responsibility for his actions and deal with the natural consequences. One of those consequences is that, if he is married, he has traumatized his wife beyond words.
I feel we, as therapists, have to recognize the loss partners of addicts have suffered and that each time their feelings are not validated they feel even more disempowered.
Partners are told what they can and can’t say, what they can and can’t handle, and what they can and can’t do. Instead, with gentle guidance, a partner should be allowed to decide what they can handle. I find partners usually make wise choices and are very reasonable in expressing their needs when their feelings, fears, and opinions are validated and they are treated with the patience and respect one would treat any other trauma victim, instead of being dictated to (no matter how nice someone may try to be about it).
My clients who are partners of sex addicts feel so relieved and empowered when I tell them they are not sick, they are not a co-sex addict, and they can set boundaries that most other therapists say are too extreme.
Related: Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction
An example may be demanding a full clinical disclosure with polygraph (which should NEVER be attempted without the guidance of a skilled therapist) and insisting their spouse participate in recovery activities. What I have seen is women expressing immense gratitude that, often after negative experiences with other sex addiction therapists, I recognize their unique needs and respect those needs.
Why Embrace the Trauma Model
Just because most therapists agree on a certain topic does not automatically mean they are right. In fact it is my opinion that most therapists do not have adequate training or understanding on how to treat partners, no matter how long they have been doing it. I know this by the horror stories I hear from clients or through emails after partners find my website and feel validated for the first time.
Today many counselors say they work from the “trauma model” (explained in the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means). Unfortunately, most still don’t really know what that means and still see partners as sick, “out of control,” and label them as co-addicts. These therapists see partners as needing to be protected from themselves.
The reality, based on clinical research and experience, has shown that most partners are healthy women who are trying their best to cope with the discovery that their husband has repeatedly sexually betrayed them. They should be treated as such.
An addict must be reminded his fellow 12-step members and his sponsor are not experts, especially in marriage. Many addicts are told his wife is trying to punish or control him when she expresses her feelings. This is simply not usually the case.
Partners are simply trying to feel safe in a world that suddenly feels very scary and unsafe. Partners who do not feel shut down when they try to express themselves or ask questions usually feel more empowered and tend to fare better and heal more quickly. This is especially true if their husband is their main supporter, instead of justifying, rationalizing, defending, and minimizing his behavior.
Many partners have endured so much treatment-induced trauma that to be told they can ask what they want to ask, feel what they want to feel, and say what they want to say is a breath of fresh air.
A partner can be privately discouraged by their therapist or helping professional from attacking their spouse’s character. When she’s encouraged to instead focus on expressing how his behavior hurt her, he will hear and respond more positively. This will be effective especially if his therapist is helping him to understand his wife is not necessarily attacking him by expressing her feelings.
An addict can and should be taught how to support and listen to his wife. Often this simply involves asking what she needs and being prepared to either give her space or hold her. Her needs will change from day to day, if not moment to moment. He can be taught she will heal more quickly when she is allowed to grieve at her own pace.
If a partner feels rushed to “get over it” or “stop living in the past,” she will remain stuck. Intimacy will not be allowed to be built. His past is her present.
Moving On From a Co-Sex Addict Model
In the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Steffens tells of an occurrence at the annual conference in 2007 for the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH). Robert Weiss, CSAT, author, speaker and director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles, shared that much of his thinking about partners of sex addicts had formerly been based on what he learned as he worked with sex addicts. He said he compared the “out of control” behaviors he sees in addicts to the “out of control” behaviors in partners. Weiss stated,
“My thought was when I first started doing the work (with partners) was, ‘Well, these spouses are out of control. They’re doing detective work, they’re eating, they’re spending his money, they’re furious – they need confronting, containing, managing, too.’ That’s my lack of empathy…and that’s why the trauma issues weren’t addressed: because we just wanted to control all that anger and didn’t really understand it. I think collectively that they had a right to it. And I think it’s really good news to have the experience of both in our clinic for the last year…because I see spouses de-escalated, you know–feeling validated, feeling supported, feeling understood, being given the space to do what they need to do to take care of themselves and not be called crazy because they are so out of control.”
Unfortunately, while some are beginning to get it, the co-sex addict model is still the prevailing paradigm by sex addiction professionals. This model assumes all partners of sex addicts fit a certain mold. It says she is partially responsible for the problem. This is a way of shifting blame away from the addict.
Partners are still being sent to 12-step programs where they are told to accept their part, look at the “nature of their wrongs,” their “defects of character,” and their “shortcomings.” They are also told to make a “list of those they have wronged and make amends.” This is not working. This leaves partners feeling wounded, attacked, blamed, and shamed.
How Are We Treating the Spouses?
Can anyone make a sane argument that immediately after discovering a spouse’s multiple infidelities, compulsive pornography use and/or various other betrayals, the best course of action is to start telling her what she has done wrong?
But this is what is happening, and it has to stop.
Related: 5 Common Mistakes When Helping Wives of Porn Addicts in Our Churches
Yes, some partners of sex addicts have enabled behavior and even done things such as put their children in harm’s way to protect their spouse and hide his addiction. When that is happening, it should be addressed appropriately. But, in Dr. Steffens words, “In my experience, most of these women are very healthy women.”
Please visit my website for partner-sensitive resources. You can also read about the Association of Partners of Sex Addiction Specialists (APSATS), of which I am a member and former board member, created to advocate for partners. One of their biggest missions is to train and certify therapists in the proper treatment of partners of sex addicts. They offer several trainings throughout the year in person or online. If you are a therapist or life coach, please check it out and sign up. If you are a partner of a sex addict, encourage your therapist to attend the training. As new therapists are trained and certified, they will be listed on the APSATS website.
It can feel like an uphill battle when the wife of a sex addict is trying to heal but feels like her voice is being silenced by everyone around her. To that wife I say, be your own advocate. Trust your gut and do not back down. Pray for God to guide you to supportive people who recognize your need to feel safe and can help you get there. Pray for God to guide your husband to people who will help him understand your needs and teach him how to be a safe person for you.
The biggest way to get through to those in helping roles is for partners of sex addicts to demand to be treated better. Eventually, others will have to start listening, as I gratefully already see happening.
I stopped going to EMDR. It was very helpful for the childhood trauma, but when we started talking about my H.’s porn issues and my relationship with Jesus, there was a shift. My H. has failed 3 polygraphs. He has admitted that porn/lust/infidelity to/for other women has been a recurring problem in our 24+yr marriage, but she held fast to me mostly having childhood family of origin issues, and the questions to ask had I ever actually caught him, and how did I know.
She spoke Jesus name flippantly when she read a paragraph I wrote to describe good feelings I felt in my body, (a homework assignment), and one of them related to the actual warmth I felt when I asked Jesus into my heart. Her flip reaction was weird. I slept on my decision many nights, but I had to let her go. I did not feel supported. My fear is that some counselors are not sober. I watched a video with Dr. Doug Weiss of Heart to Heart counseling for sex addicts, and he described how this was an issue for 8/9 male counselors he had interviewed to join his practice. I’d like to use my pain to help bring down this insidious porn/cancer industry. NCOSE seems like a good start place to do my research. I’d love to hear the feed back if there are other ways I can re-use my pain to not waste it!
Wow, I love this article. I was doing great with everything- my husband and I split, I’m a single mom to two small children now, I was already the breadwinner and working a lot, I won an award at work, I even wrote a book (unrelated) and have excelled despite the discovery just six months ago. A huge part of this is because my SA has been incredibly supportive and has gotten extensive help. He even moved next door to his sponsor and goes to daily meetings at a minimum.
I never felt like anything was my fault until I walked into a 12-step spouse meeting where I was told I needed to introduce myself using a “coaddict” label. I said “no” because I’m not a coaddict and left. The women looked at ME like I was the insane one.
Then my husband and I went to counseling to determine how to best handle the children. Within two minutes the counselor labeled me a coaddict. I have NO characteristics of a coaddict or codependent. Even my SA agrees and walked out with me. It was THIS two minute meeting that hurt me more than anything else has in the last six months. There is no way the codependent model a healthy way of dealing with spouses. I refuse to take blame for a condition my ex had since he was eight years old. I had plenty of healthy relationships. My parents were great parents. I had no holes to fill. We had a great marriage and most who knew us thought we were the perfect couple. I didn’t know. Not at any level did I know. I find it hard to believe that in this day and age the sexism is so rampant that spouses can be blamed at all. Like you stated, sure there are enabling ones. It wasn’t me though. I never enabled. I am an independent, hard-working mom and he sought out me for my characteristics, not the other way around. Thank you for trying to change this hell that so many spouses go through. I am thankful I have the ability to set boundaries for myself that I do. And this boundaries are: I will not take blame for my SA.
Thank you so much for sharing your story of strength and healthy boundaries! You ARE NOT TO BLAME for your spouse’s choices, EVER!
Peace to you, and thank you for sharing these words of wisdom and freedom here.
My BF of two years has a serious addiction to talking to other women . Usually through social media inappropriately, but texting as well. Women he meets at places he frequents, women at his job, everywhere! Our counselor said she could not help him and he needed one on one extensive therapy with a therapist. He has an appointment with the new guy next week. I am afraid he will go in and lie to him. About what he does and about me. Although I have never been unfaithful, he tells people I have boy toys and he can’t handle all the men I talk to. Is it wrong for me to want to go with him at least the first time to make sure he tells the truth?
Mel,
If he’s meeting up with other women, and if he’s lying about you, why exactly are you with him?
It’s not “wrong” to want to go with him to therapy, but what is the point? If the only way he can be honest is when you’re standing over him, what do you think an ongoing relationship will be like?
I would say, let his guy go. Let him do whatever he needs to do.
You continue in therapy, though, to discover why it’s okay with you to be mistreated this way.
May you find a life that reflects your true value and worth!
Peace,
Kay
I am praying that someone on this site can help me. My ex partner is an addict. He becomes addicted to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. His latest addiction is sex and love based. We split up 8 months ago and I asked him to move out of the flat that i own in my sole name. However, we had a few friends in common. Having spoken to a couple of these “friends” it is clear that he has said some terrible things about me in order to get the “fix” of another woman.
I now feel unable to walk down my local shopping street, I drive and hide whenever I can. I feel that the women he involved in his sordid game believe him. He is incredibly plausible. What can I do?? Can anyone help me to get my respect and the truth of it all out there? How can I stop these falsehoods? He is in counselling, but he has had a history of repeated relapsing with ALL his addictions, and although he says when he gets to the 9th step (i think that is the “make amends ” step ) he will send all the people involved the truth statement…… I don’t believe him. My life is curtailed hugely by all of this, and I don’t know what to do?
I am so, so sorry.
The sad reality is, you can’t control what another person will say, and you can’t control what other people will think and believe.
However, the truth will come out. You saw the reality, right? You had the insight to see the truth about him, and you had the strength to break it off with him. Good for you! Now trust that others will do the same! Of course it may take time for them to see the truth, just like it probably did for you.
I would say this: you live your life with strength, truth, and compassion. You live in the truth, and release him to live in any way that works for him.
At this point, it sounds like he is still controlling a large part of your life, even though you’ve broken up. You might consider whether it’s time to cut those bonds as well. You can choose to have no contact with him, and no contact with people who will carry his tales to you. What would your life be like if you didn’t know what he was saying or doing? What kind of freedom would you have?
Here and here are some articles about boundaries that might help as you think through what is healthy for you.
Peace,
Kay
I never get a reply back on here. What are we to do then? How am I to know which therapist to talk to? My husband has made plans to see a counselor, but didn’t mention me. Left me out of it. I encouraged him to seek help for his addictions, but I guess he didn’t realize we both need help and healing.
To find a therapist for yourself, check the directories at the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can also check the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Robert Weiss in his book “Getting out to the doghouse” states that disclosure shouldn’t be given if it is to the detriment of the sex addict i.e. if your wife is planning on filing for divorce. This approach is egregious in its lack of ethics or consideration of the spread of STD’s and the possibility of abuse of children. You quoting Robert Weiss here, in my opinion, diminishes your credibility. Don’t quote colluders of addicts who create increased trauma for partners in the back while promoting “safe space” in the front. You quoting this man implies to parters that he is safe, when he in fact is representative of an organization that creates “specialists’ through short time frames of inadequate training and does not insist that sex addicts get a full mental health assessment to rule out personality disorders (creating partner and child abuse) and to identify other factors driving the sexual compulsivity, which in fact is only a symptom of underlying problems.
If the SA does have PD and is an abuser, no amount of sobriety is going to change the abusive behaviour until he faces it and gets appropriate help.
Thanks for pushing back against abusers and those who support them.
I was bfs accountability partner for 7 months (bad idea!) I would read daily reports on his every move. it felt weird. he seemed to be doing ok but it was making me crazy to read the reports wondering what I would find. I finally got off of being a partner and then asked weeks later to go back on it
little did I know it had recorded everything since I had been removed from the site and I was sick from what I found. lots of underage sites, escort services, voyeur webcams spying on teens…rape…women being demoralized…Chinese massage parlors. S&M and he told me he hasn’t viewed it for 2 weeks it was only days. ladies…I told his family and we put him in to a rehab home for sex and porn addicts for almost 2 months. he agreed to it. I’m relieved he’s in there getting help. what your man admits to is just a small portion of the depravity. they cannot be trusted. luckily I’m not married to.him. he wants me as part of his treatment plan. and to maybe stay with him
what would u do. I feel guilty abandoning him during this intense time of healing but I’m.spent. no one should have to continually go through this sick trauma. the bible is clear about lust. it’s cheating. but…now add lying and possibly putting your health at risk as his behaviors escalate..educate yourselves. go to a browser and type the effects of porn on the brain and how he will escalate with the material he views. it destroys intimacy and you can’t have a committed loving and respectful loving marriage if he’s sharing his feelings and sexuality with a bunch of sleaze over a computer. don’t compromise who you are or make excuses for his illness. if he’s not willing to get help…accountability partners…therapy…God, total transparency , filters in computer and phone ( not cool proof) then he is not going to change. stop competing against this smut. you didn’t sign up for this and you’re not doing this to.him. I’m going to a therapist now and a group for women of partners who’ve shattered trust with this sick.issue.
in.glad my partner is in live in rehab now. no guarantees it will stick once he’s out in 2months but he deserves a chance. check out covenant eyes website too. they have good articles. u can google alot on porn use and it’s negative effects or women suffering from.spouses porn use. you’ll find a TON.
I’m.so sorry you are going through this..if it doesn’t stop…then I think you need to.
save yourself. I’ve read that men will seek prostitutes…child porn..and Lord knows what else are often times genres porn users go to because regular photos are boring after a while and hardcore and live are what can satisfy. and soon not even that then the guys can’t even get aroused from a real.person and get E.D.
the brain chemistry is altered. its unreal. porn is a true epidemic in our society and teens are now viewing it at an alarming rate and can’t even relate to a real girl or expect their prom date to be porn. boys can’t hold conversations with girls now and they are going to doctors now at an early age because they can’t get it up anymore. damaged at 18. so sad. pitiful dirty society that objectifies people. it’s not all a guy issue. 1 in 3 women view porn as well and addiction is rampant. God be with you as you heal….but u can’t truly if nothing has changed. in an EXPERT on this gross topic because I’ve read So much. get the book ” mending a shattered heart” by Stephanie Carnes PhD. it’s for women who’s partners do this….this vial act designed by God as a loving exchange between 2 people expressing love. porn is a fake one sided selfish love of self. praying you all have hope. clarity. please seek help. don’t be silent in your pain and trust is earned. can u anymore? and what do you need to do to save yourself in the end.
love to you all~
*Our* marriage therapist, a female told me I wasn’t being understanding enough and that I should just trust my husband because he was doing well. And that I was just as much to blame for my husbands porn addiction as he was. It takes two to tango. I should be there for him while he was healing and not to put too many demands or requests on him because it might hurt his present success. We saw her 3 times before I stood up and asked her point blank when she was going to address my issues of his betrayal and constant avoiding of issues important to our marriage. She told me to trust him, and I stoodup and told her she sucked as a woman and a therapist. I never saw her again and neither did my husband. She was worthless in helping to navigate the world of pornography.
These arrogant little boys, SAs, live to break rules and getting awaay with it. The kinder and more trusting the wife is, the more they enjoy their deceit. When caught and confronted, they will try every lie and denial known on earth to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior. They are immoral, sadistic, incurable, immature, selfish cancers on humanity.
Amen, Susangh! I’m so tired of trying to convince myself that my man is really a “good person” and that he really loves me – that he just has a problem. Bullshit! I hope ALL victims run as fast & far as they can from these monsters & save themselves a ton of hurt & anguish. Your post empowers me tremendously.
I have to agree with you. I have had the most awful time with my ex. His manipulative behaviour is UNBELIEVABLY bad through and through. S and M was his thing and it was clear that he hated the woman for “indulging ” him. What we do to “please” is heartbreaking.
I have walked away from this monster.
He threatened suicide, proclaimed his undying love constantly, and became re addicted to me…… until the next one came along that is!
These people are border line psychopaths and should be treated accordingly. Your life IS in danger. They cannot stop. Safe words, pushing the sexual boundaries etc, will end in someones demise! Flee and don’t look back!
I agree, except mine is an arrogant little girl. She refuses to take any responsibility, cheated on me like it was her job for several years, lied without compunction, gaslighted, deflected blame toward me, etc.
Otherwise, I agree with your comments. They are self-absorbed, and unfortunately, they are being given license to get away with it under the questionable umbra of “sex addiction”.
Everyone else, everything else, is to blame. Not her. She’s a “great person” in her mind, and everyone else is the cause of our problems. Consequences should not be applied to her, because the “addiction” renders her blameless, as if it actually erases them from having happened. I love her, but she will never change if she is continually enabled by the psychological establishment in which she believes, and which has already exonerated her.