Like most Mondays, several couples fly in to do a 3 or 5-Day Intensive with me and my team. Many couples I see will inevitably tell me the tale of being in a sexless marriage for months, years, or decades. I smile and tell them not to worry. I have heard that on most Mondays for almost thirty years.
The reality is that many couples, regardless of faith, finances, or culture, go to bed feeling alone next to the one who said they would love, honor, and cherish them. Why is it that so many couples suffer quietly in a sexless marriage? In this blog, I’ll give you eight common reasons I have found that couples are sexless and married.
Two Choices for Those in a Sexless Marriage
When a person is in a sexless marriage, they have two major choices. The first choice is to address the real issues as to why they are sexless in marriage, set boundaries, and seek professional help to resolve the core issues.
The second choice is to medicate their pain with addictions such as porn, affairs, alcohol, work, or drugs. Often they will blame their spouse because they medicate this way. I have counseled individuals with addictions for almost thirty years, and it is never the spouse’s fault if you choose to medicate this way.
For those who want to address the real issues for your sexless marriage, this blog will help you identify some of the most common reasons that lead to sexless marriages. This information is taken directly from our new DVD called “Sexless and Married.”
Reason 1: Intimacy Anorexia
Intimacy anorexia happens more frequently than you might think. It’s when a spouse actively withholds spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacy. If someone is an intimacy anorexic, they will:
- Stay busy to avoid their spouse
- Blame their spouse for all of the problems in the relationship
- Withhold love from their spouse
- Withhold praise from their spouse
- Withhold sex from their spouse or not be present during sex
- Not talk about their feelings
- Have ongoing or ungrounded criticism of their spouse
- Control or shame around money issues
If one or both spouses have five or more of these characteristics, you are dealing with intimacy anorexia. This is a real and prevalent issue as to why a couple might be sexless and feel like roommates in their marriage. If this applies to you, do some research and get qualified help to restore your marriage.
Reason 2: Sexual Addiction
You’ve probably read stories about how many men and women are turning to pornography and acting out with themselves or others outside their marriage. Yes, this is most likely true even with people you know. This has caused many marriages to separate or divorce. When I speak at men’s conferences on the topic of my book Sex, Men & God, I’ll ask how many men think that they may be addicted to pornography. Typically 50% or more of these men acknowledge having this problem.
A sex addict will have three or more of the below characteristics as it relates to their habit including lust, porn, or behavior with self or others. Their addiction can lead them to becoming sexless in marriage.
- Tried to stop and failed
- Promises to self, others, or God to quit and failed
- Having consequences for their behavior
- Using even after having consequences for their behavior
- Doing more of the same or escalating in behaviors
- Take more or different for same high
- Takes more time in addiction
- Begins to pull away from other activities or relationships
- Withdraw if they can’t access their behavior
There are six types of sex addicts according to AASAT.org (American Assoc. for Sex Addiction Therapy). If sex addiction is the issue for the sexless marriage, the addict will need to seek help, attend support groups, and address core issues to heal. The impact of a sex addiction is huge for the spouse as well. Two good books would be The Final Freedom and Partners: Healing from His Addiction.
Start your journey of putting porn in your past, check out the blogpost “How to Quit Porn: 6 Essential Steps.”
Reason 3: Sexual Abuse
It’s possible that the previous sexual abuse of either spouse could be triggering a sexual shutting down. Sometimes this happens out of the blue. For example, when their child reaches the age that they were when their abuse happened or perhaps seeing a movie that triggers a memory of their abuse.
Sexual abuse can be a journey, but it is necessary to move beyond it to have a thriving life and marriage. I have been sexually abused by both genders, and I took responsibility for my healing and have enjoyed a healthy sex life. The responsibility to heal is ours. If this is the reason for sexlessness in a marriage, I would start your healing journey today. There are plenty of books on this, and if you are not making accelerated progress, then I suggest you see a counselor that specializes in treating one to help move from victim to thriving.
Reason 4: Depression
I agree that too many Americans are diagnosed with depression, however it can really be an option for what’s creating a sexless marriage. Let me give you the characteristics of depression other than a lack of interest in sex. A depressed person would have low energy, difficulty with concentration and making decisions, weight gain or loss recently, sleep disturbance, feelings of worthlessness and possible suicidal thoughts, and lastly a sense of not enjoying life. If someone has several of these symptoms, they could be depressed.
Now if the person is so depressed that they aren’t going to their place of work or they have a lack of interest in it, then it may be because of depression. Unfortunately people can be depressed because of unresolved anger, grief, or a lack of serotonin in their brain. See a medical doctor and make sure you talk to the doctor about side effects for the medication they may be giving you because some antidepressants lower your sex drive and that wouldn’t be helpful. If you are seeing a counselor, again, make sure they specialize in depression.
Reason 5: Schizoid Personality Disorder
A person with Schizoid Personality Disorder will have several characteristics. Some of these characteristics include having no close relationships, choosing alone activities, having no desire for sex, getting no real pleasure from activities, indifference to praises or criticism, and appearing emotionally cold or detached. If this is what is going on, he or she can be very resistant to treatment. This person must be motivated if change is to occur.
Reason 6: Low Thyroid
Sexlessness can also be caused by low thyroid. This is totally a medical issue. The symptoms other than less interest in sex would be low energy, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, weight gain, constipation, and muscle soreness. This is very treatable both homeopathically and medically. If this is even close to your symptoms, ask your doctor for a blood test.
Reason 7: Low Testosterone
We see a lot of commercials for men with low testosterone, but it is also a significant issue for women. I’ve had both genders get this checked out and get on a medical regimen. It helped and was the only issue. The symptoms of low testosterone other than a low sex drive are weight gain, low energy, anxiety, hair loss, weakness, and sleep disturbance. Men may have erectile issues, and women may have vaginal dryness and the inability to orgasm.
If you are reading along and think depression, low thyroid, and low testosterone symptoms sound a lot alike, you are very perceptive. I recommend if any of these symptoms sound familiar, get all three checked by a doctor to see what might be causing sexlessness in your marriage.
Reason 8: Sex Language Mishaps
Each one of us has a unique sex language. However we often marry someone with a different sex language than our own. In the book 5 Sex Languages, I share about the sex languages of Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance. Most couples did not have this as part of their preparation for marriage. They fumble through sex trying to make their spouse like themselves. This can set up years of negative experiences and reduce the desire for sex.
This issue is easy to address. Discover your spouse’s sex language. I will never forget one couple that came to my office for an Intensive from another country just to get this area strong. They both guessed wrong about which sex language the other person was. I walked them though each phase of sexuality utilizing the correct sex language, and they had the best week of their entire marriage.
Healing from a Sexless Marriage
Sexless marriages are real and affecting millions. I hope that an intelligent conversation can open the doors to healing and close the doors to any medicating. We are responsible to heal if we know what to heal. Keeping this pain in a marriage can damage or even destroy it.
You are worth having the best marriage, including the best sex ever, however, some of us have to work harder to get what we are worthy of. I have seen thousands of couples heal from a sexless marriage and wish you the best on your journey.
Married 53 years and to some that’s a great accomplishment not for us. We have nothing in common not even intimacy or sex, but for some reason we were attracted. His family was not the kiss and huggy type. Mom was a Hitler type strict and dad was an alcholic and he was not treated well. If he wanted some thing he was told to go to work, so some where around 10 years old he worked paper routes, collected soda bottles. He did lousy in school but managed to graduate. That’s his whole life constant work! He never had any friends and dosen’t to this day, but then I never approved of his possible friends and ruined that for him.
I was brought up very religiously, and never got out much. My Mom had to approve of any friends. We married after he got out of the military, but he missed the military he said they were his Mom and Dad and friends. To this day he’s very Military! Any way our honeymoon was one night affair and no intimacy or sex, he didn’t even sleep with me, he slept on the floor. As our marriage moved on I put rules and regulations on sex which there was very little of. We talked many times about sex and his thoughts were very different than mine, he was bored and wanted us to try different things, but not me I was sticking to guns my way only. So he finally told me we are not having sex nor was ever going to sleep with me again. That was 40 years ago, he threw himself in to his work, moved to the mid nights, worked 7 days a week, holidays. No vacations no nothing! As of today were in our mid 70’s we still don’t sleep or talk to each other! I have my church friends but very lonely. He built a place for himself out back of our acerage. It’s a garage workshop sleeping quarters affair. This our life after 53 years, a very big waste of time and very sad how we messed our selves up.
My heart just breaks for you both. I hear so much trauma in his life and in yours. It sounds like you both, very understanably, responded to the pain by seeking control over whatever you could, and of course that doesn’t allow for vulnerable connection with ourselves or with each other.
I just want to offer the idea that you’re still here, still alive, and still worth caring for. Processing your own thoughts and emotions with a kind, professional therapist is still an option. Your husband may not be willing or able to do this, but you could be.
Reaching out here, I think, is a sign that you’re open to caring for yourself in new ways, and looking at your life through the lens of self compassion and loving kindness.
Sending loving care to you,
Kay
It’s amazing how many people are in this same place. Been 5 years since my wife moved out of the bedroom. All I ever wanted was a best friend and she is gone. We don’t talk , let alone be intimate in any way. Leaving is hard, staying is the most painful thing I have ever been through. Now there is a hoarding issue, in the past couple years our house has become filled with junk from online auctions. Bad, single person paths. Where does one turn? So lonely, so sad so angry. Help
“But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none….
1 Corinthians 7:29-31 NASB
My choice at 62 years of age is put my energies into the Kingdom of God or attempt to fix our sec life that has caused continual issues. I have a high sex drive which I have surrendered to Jesus and am happier now than I have been for many years. Totally sexless and happy is possible.
Her detachment, criticism, and shaming, along with sex avoidance has me contemplating suicide. There are many reasons why not, but the anguish is inescapable.
Andy,
If you are contemplating suicide, I would strongly encourage you to call the National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255.
I would also encourage you to reach out to someone you trust and ask for help. This can be a friend, co-worker, relative, leader, counselor, etc. Your life is precious to God, and there is hope for healing. Please do not give up.
I am praying for you!
Blessings,
Moriah
Married for 20 years but together for 28 years. Our sex lives was very active for quite a few years. We have 3 children all grown. My husband over the past 8 years or so have been getting less and less sexually active. I have not had many partners as he is my second sexual partner. I am 53 and he is 58. I have often let him know that this is not making me happy having sex say once every two weeks or so compared to 3 times a week. He claimed he is often tired. He would not go into the bath until very late at night about 11.30 or after and would doze in the chair until that time by then i am asleep. He then proceeds to come to bed and go off to sleep again. Sometimes on a few occasions when he does come to bed and i initiate sex he complains he is too tired or he is feeling unwell. I am tired of being rejected as this happens quite often. He would sometimes sit out in the living room for hours and watch television but as soon as he comes to bed goes to sleep. I feel very rejected and alone and have brought up the topic of his neglect and rejection time and time again. He says it is not me but he feels sometimes not in the mood or tired. He have since been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins in 2016 and I understand that some of this may be the reason but it have continued despite treatment. He was in remission from 2017 until now but it has come back again so the situation has gotten even worst i try to be very supportive and understanding of my husbands illness but at the same time i am lonely, feel unloved, and neglected as he does not show me any intimacy whether it be a hug, kiss or touch. This have been going on for too long and i am feeling quite depressed about the whole matter. I am not 100% healthwise either as I have many arthritic issues but I am still always willing and able to have sex often. I see it as being selfish as when i want to initiate sex with him he always has an excuse buf if and when he is in the mood i am always there for him.
Married 50 years and I chose to be sexless and never have any intimacy.
First my wife is boring when it comes to sex, and I find sex and intimacy a total waste of time for 5 minutes work. I refer to my self as asexual married to friend.
I don’t masterbate and never wanted to, not gay or have anything on the side. I find all that revolting!
I don’t eat, sleep, or enter the house, I have my own little place out back on our property with a garage and work shop for my cars.
As for what my friend did all these years, I don’t know nor do I care.
9. Being the daughter of an unloving mother and the resulting trust and defensiveness resulting from the effects of this insecure attachment.
I feel there are much reason that can make marriage sexless like as
1 We only give priority to our work.
2 Not spending time with each other
3 Does Not share the feeling with each other.
4 Going to depression
Also, such issues can make our married life sexless.
Kay,
In all due respect, are you married? Have you ever been through a sexless marriage? It doesn’t sound like you have. Your responses come down to someone who’s trying to help, but have no idea what it’s like. You are flipping the pain and hurt on those of us who are in sexless marriages and telling us to get over it and deal with it. Honestly, that is a fair option (the deal with it part). However, for someone who is in a sexless marriage being told that there may be a lack of “emotional intimacy” is not only unfair, but a lot of cases inaccurate. Better yet, have you considered that the lack of emotional intimacy stems from the lack of sex in the marriage?
And how long does one wait for one’s libido? 1 day? 1 week? 1 month? 1 year? A decade? Maybe the other person is just not into sex and should really come to terms with their partner about it.
As far as books and therapy? They don’t work. Fact is, you can’t control or manipulate your partner into wanting to have sex with you. Nor should you. Some men actually have legitimate ED issues and some women have legitimate health issues. Those are not excuses. Lack of emotional intimacy, stress, feeling like a sexual object…yeah THOSE ARE EXCUSES. Those excuses redirect from the truth that maybe you aren’t interested in sex any more and trying to make your spouse feel guilty is part of the problem and that leads to them “acting out”. The lies and excuses of someone who doesn’t want to have sex with their partner should just stop and they should be honest with their partner and more importantly, themselves.
Those in a sexless marriage, you got 4 options
1. Deal with it. As was pointed out, go out and live YOUR life. Don’t let your partners lack of interest continue to hold you back in life. Enjoy it because you only got one.
2. Ask for an open marriage.
3. Cheat.
4. Divorce.
A book and therapist will have you do exercises and talk more, but those are only short term solutions. These solutions last no more than a month before the repeated patterns and behavior return. And why you may ask? Because your partner is who they are. And forcing someone to become something they are not is just wrong.
I agree that forcing someone to become something they are not is wrong.
Forcing, manipulating, pressuring someone to have sex with you when they don’t want to is rape. That is never okay.
Honesty would be the best option, always.
The options you listed make a lot of sense.
Agree completely with you. Considering cheating.No option left ,how long will I wait.
In our case my husband (partner, house mate) don’t really have a term to put him in. We’ve been married 51 years and I would say 45 of those years have been totally sexless. He just said that sex with me is going to stop, that having sex was like having sex with a wet dish cloth. He didn’t like the way I just lay in place doing nothing! He also told me there would be no kids no nothing. From that evening till today we haven’t had sex, intimacy or even talked to me other than grunts and groans he makes when I attempt to talk to him. He moved all his things to the basement and built an apartment like thing for himself , recently moved to a separate building away from the house. It has his work shop and garage there. Over the years he turned recluse no friends no TV, radio, computer and turned off to the outside world. He goes no where only maybe home center, grocery shopping, doctors. Before he retired he worked the midnight shift, all holidays, weekends, all of his vacation time, slept all day and then went to work for 12 hours a day. We’re in our mid 70s now and time for us is running down! My advice to the younger group fix your marriage what ever it takes. If that doesn’t work move on there is someone out there for you.
Your story just breaks my heart. It sounds like your husband abandoned the marriage relationship years ago. Here’s a good article called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce, which I think supports the advice you gave here. Peace to you, friend.