Like most Mondays, several couples fly in to do a 3 or 5-Day Intensive with me and my team. Many couples I see will inevitably tell me the tale of being in a sexless marriage for months, years, or decades. I smile and tell them not to worry. I have heard that on most Mondays for almost thirty years.
The reality is that many couples, regardless of faith, finances, or culture, go to bed feeling alone next to the one who said they would love, honor, and cherish them. Why is it that so many couples suffer quietly in a sexless marriage? In this blog, I’ll give you eight common reasons I have found that couples are sexless and married.
Two Choices for Those in a Sexless Marriage
When a person is in a sexless marriage, they have two major choices. The first choice is to address the real issues as to why they are sexless in marriage, set boundaries, and seek professional help to resolve the core issues.
The second choice is to medicate their pain with addictions such as porn, affairs, alcohol, work, or drugs. Often they will blame their spouse because they medicate this way. I have counseled individuals with addictions for almost thirty years, and it is never the spouse’s fault if you choose to medicate this way.
For those who want to address the real issues for your sexless marriage, this blog will help you identify some of the most common reasons that lead to sexless marriages. This information is taken directly from our new DVD called “Sexless and Married.”
Reason 1: Intimacy Anorexia
Intimacy anorexia happens more frequently than you might think. It’s when a spouse actively withholds spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacy. If someone is an intimacy anorexic, they will:
- Stay busy to avoid their spouse
- Blame their spouse for all of the problems in the relationship
- Withhold love from their spouse
- Withhold praise from their spouse
- Withhold sex from their spouse or not be present during sex
- Not talk about their feelings
- Have ongoing or ungrounded criticism of their spouse
- Control or shame around money issues
If one or both spouses have five or more of these characteristics, you are dealing with intimacy anorexia. This is a real and prevalent issue as to why a couple might be sexless and feel like roommates in their marriage. If this applies to you, do some research and get qualified help to restore your marriage.
Reason 2: Sexual Addiction
You’ve probably read stories about how many men and women are turning to pornography and acting out with themselves or others outside their marriage. Yes, this is most likely true even with people you know. This has caused many marriages to separate or divorce. When I speak at men’s conferences on the topic of my book Sex, Men & God, I’ll ask how many men think that they may be addicted to pornography. Typically 50% or more of these men acknowledge having this problem.
A sex addict will have three or more of the below characteristics as it relates to their habit including lust, porn, or behavior with self or others. Their addiction can lead them to becoming sexless in marriage.
- Tried to stop and failed
- Promises to self, others, or God to quit and failed
- Having consequences for their behavior
- Using even after having consequences for their behavior
- Doing more of the same or escalating in behaviors
- Take more or different for same high
- Takes more time in addiction
- Begins to pull away from other activities or relationships
- Withdraw if they can’t access their behavior
There are six types of sex addicts according to AASAT.org (American Assoc. for Sex Addiction Therapy). If sex addiction is the issue for the sexless marriage, the addict will need to seek help, attend support groups, and address core issues to heal. The impact of a sex addiction is huge for the spouse as well. Two good books would be The Final Freedom and Partners: Healing from His Addiction.
Start your journey of putting porn in your past, check out the blogpost “How to Quit Porn: 6 Essential Steps.”
Reason 3: Sexual Abuse
It’s possible that the previous sexual abuse of either spouse could be triggering a sexual shutting down. Sometimes this happens out of the blue. For example, when their child reaches the age that they were when their abuse happened or perhaps seeing a movie that triggers a memory of their abuse.
Sexual abuse can be a journey, but it is necessary to move beyond it to have a thriving life and marriage. I have been sexually abused by both genders, and I took responsibility for my healing and have enjoyed a healthy sex life. The responsibility to heal is ours. If this is the reason for sexlessness in a marriage, I would start your healing journey today. There are plenty of books on this, and if you are not making accelerated progress, then I suggest you see a counselor that specializes in treating one to help move from victim to thriving.
Reason 4: Depression
I agree that too many Americans are diagnosed with depression, however it can really be an option for what’s creating a sexless marriage. Let me give you the characteristics of depression other than a lack of interest in sex. A depressed person would have low energy, difficulty with concentration and making decisions, weight gain or loss recently, sleep disturbance, feelings of worthlessness and possible suicidal thoughts, and lastly a sense of not enjoying life. If someone has several of these symptoms, they could be depressed.
Now if the person is so depressed that they aren’t going to their place of work or they have a lack of interest in it, then it may be because of depression. Unfortunately people can be depressed because of unresolved anger, grief, or a lack of serotonin in their brain. See a medical doctor and make sure you talk to the doctor about side effects for the medication they may be giving you because some antidepressants lower your sex drive and that wouldn’t be helpful. If you are seeing a counselor, again, make sure they specialize in depression.
Reason 5: Schizoid Personality Disorder
A person with Schizoid Personality Disorder will have several characteristics. Some of these characteristics include having no close relationships, choosing alone activities, having no desire for sex, getting no real pleasure from activities, indifference to praises or criticism, and appearing emotionally cold or detached. If this is what is going on, he or she can be very resistant to treatment. This person must be motivated if change is to occur.
Reason 6: Low Thyroid
Sexlessness can also be caused by low thyroid. This is totally a medical issue. The symptoms other than less interest in sex would be low energy, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, weight gain, constipation, and muscle soreness. This is very treatable both homeopathically and medically. If this is even close to your symptoms, ask your doctor for a blood test.
Reason 7: Low Testosterone
We see a lot of commercials for men with low testosterone, but it is also a significant issue for women. I’ve had both genders get this checked out and get on a medical regimen. It helped and was the only issue. The symptoms of low testosterone other than a low sex drive are weight gain, low energy, anxiety, hair loss, weakness, and sleep disturbance. Men may have erectile issues, and women may have vaginal dryness and the inability to orgasm.
If you are reading along and think depression, low thyroid, and low testosterone symptoms sound a lot alike, you are very perceptive. I recommend if any of these symptoms sound familiar, get all three checked by a doctor to see what might be causing sexlessness in your marriage.
Reason 8: Sex Language Mishaps
Each one of us has a unique sex language. However we often marry someone with a different sex language than our own. In the book 5 Sex Languages, I share about the sex languages of Fun, Desire, Pleasure, Patience, and Acceptance. Most couples did not have this as part of their preparation for marriage. They fumble through sex trying to make their spouse like themselves. This can set up years of negative experiences and reduce the desire for sex.
This issue is easy to address. Discover your spouse’s sex language. I will never forget one couple that came to my office for an Intensive from another country just to get this area strong. They both guessed wrong about which sex language the other person was. I walked them though each phase of sexuality utilizing the correct sex language, and they had the best week of their entire marriage.
Healing from a Sexless Marriage
Sexless marriages are real and affecting millions. I hope that an intelligent conversation can open the doors to healing and close the doors to any medicating. We are responsible to heal if we know what to heal. Keeping this pain in a marriage can damage or even destroy it.
You are worth having the best marriage, including the best sex ever, however, some of us have to work harder to get what we are worthy of. I have seen thousands of couples heal from a sexless marriage and wish you the best on your journey.
Hm. I read the article, but I was wondering why “loss of physical attraction” did not make your list. I mean, changes in physical appearance can remove the desire for sex with a spouse. This is a problem in marriage for both men and women, but since men are most often visually stimulated (not entirely!) in regards to arousal and interest in sex, one would think that a lack of attention to health physica attractiveness would be a cause for sexual detachment.
My husband hasn’t touched me since I got pregnant with our son. It’s been 4 years. We haven’t had sex & he won’t even kiss me. He has basically withheld all intimacy from me for the last 4 years. He’s also become emotionally abusive. He tells me he doesn’t want to have sex because I’m boring now that I’m a mom. He complains I spend too much time making myself look nice. We got dressed up for a fantasy event. I had my hair & make up done, put on a beautiful gown and he spent the whole evening complaining it took me too long to get ready, but it only took a long time because our son in need of my attention. He constantly criticizes my “mom body”. The little bit of extra skin on my stomach, my scar from the 3rd degree tear I got from delivery. I’m not an unattractive person I’m a former model, I’m a successful business woman, I’m the breadwinner, I financially support the family, I take care of my appearance. Recently I confided my frustration with an old friend, he held my hand, told me I was beautiful. It could have led to an affair but I believe in the vows I took. That said the thought of never having sex again is so depressing. I don’t want my son to grow up without his dad in his life everyday. My ego has taken such a hit. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact your spouse doesn’t want you anymore, especially after you had a child.
I have been married for 13 months and I am already having thoughts of leaving him. We are both 49 years old, it is my second marriage and his first and he is not interested at all in having a sexual relationship with me, yet will not talk about it and shuts me down, an argument always occurs with him getting defensive and me feeling hurt and rejected. When we first met we would have sex about once a week and I understood that because we both lived with family members and it was difficult to find places to be close sexually. Once we moved into our apartment it didn’t change, it actually became more infrequent, his excuse was that he was tired from working so much, I accepted that excuse too. Then he was laid off from work so I thought, “Great! Plenty of time for sex”…..NOPE!!! I thought well maybe he’s depressed because of being laid off. We got married and I was so excited, could not wait for the wedding night……Yeah, well that never happened…..I was emotionally hurt, rejected and felt extremely worthless and unwanted, I cried myself to sleep.
I have tried several times to discuss this with him in a calm, understanding way but he NEVER wants to talk about it. I love him but NO LIE, this rejection thing is ruining our relationship, especially since he doesn’t want to seem to talk about it. I do not want to have a second failed marriage in my life and I certainly don’t want to give up on someone whom I believe does love me but I can not stand being just his roommate or friend….I crave and want more. I have no idea on how to move forward or get past this but the more we don’t talk about it the more resentful I get and I just want to move on so that I can be loved the way I deserve to be. I will not have an affair because that is how my first husband played our marriage and I would never do that to anyone else so blogging about it or leaving is my only option, I feel.
Hey Heidi,
Is he willing to go to therapy to discuss what’s going on? It sounds like there’s a lack of emotional intimacy in your relationship as well as a lack of sexual intimacy, if these things can’t even be discussed. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process through this as a couple, if he is willing. The inability to discuss important topics is certainly a relationship-killer.
Peace,
Kay
Hi Heidi ,ur condition is same as me .My husband is also not interested though we have 2 kids.I am yearning for sex and crying in silence.We have been married for 16 years and I am an Indian so there is not much scope of having divorce with 2 kids.I panic many times thinking how will I spend rest of my life with him and sexless. God save me
So I don’t hear this much about a sexless marriage and I read a lot of blog posts about it since I am in one. I am the wife and the one that doesn’t want sex. My husband feels really deprived and I’m sure it assaults his manhood as well.
First, we are both 59 and got married when we were 40. This is my story.
I’m not sure we had a great sex life to begin with as he mentioned this recently and I wasn’t even aware of it. I though it would be considered healthy at several times per week. We have been married 18+ years and have no children together but 5 between us. They are all grown and out of the house accept one that came back but she is hardly ever here with work and school, so not a factor.
For the past several years our sex life has been falling off and we have only had it a couple times this year. I have been to counseling, I am also on bio-identical hormones including thyroid and my numbers are good, so we know it is not hormonal. Intercourse is still painful but there are other ways to have sex and I am open to that. I have made suggestions to him and bought him a couple of books by Rabbi Shmuli about how to keep your sex life going. I love his philosophy about intimacy and how to fuel the fire. I thought this would help by letting him know that I care that he is unhappy. He didn’t really read the books although it seemed he was making an effort at first. We have had talks initiated by me on the subject until just recently when he came to me and said how humiliating this is and how he is not being taken care of and that I should take care of his needs. It’s like he does not acknowledge all the work I have done on this and how little he has done other than to complain. I understand that he is very busy at work so have not pushed anything on him this last year due to his stress levels.
A couple of years ago when this all started, he started going on fishing with his friends more and more and that has turned into his out. He has told me that he goes fishing since we don’t have sex so why hang around and so he is gone for work or fishing sometimes for a week at a time. He knows I resent that and I have other resentments that I won’t go into here because this would be a short novel. All I’m trying to say is that I feel abandoned in several different ways and that is not helping matters. Overall he is a good guy and I do love him but have had to detach myself due to the amount of time he is absent. I just can’t turn it on and off. Anyway damage done here and now I don’t want to try anymore since my effort is not being recognized anyway. I would rather him find someone else.
Here is another thing, when we met we were really athletic, in fact we ran a marathon together and we had a lot in common. I still work out several times per week with resistance training and cardio and still weigh about the same as when we got married. He has put on 20-30 lbs and I am not attracted to that, it’s all in his middle. This does not help matters at all. He says he wants to get the weight off so he can be a better fisherman(strength) or because he does public appearances for work, but never to be attractive to me. Yet I don’t mention this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What’s wrong with that picture?
Hi Gayle,
I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. It sounds to me like the root issue is a lack of emotional intimacy and your husband’s inability or unwillingness to engage with you on an emotional level. Honestly, I think it’s pretty common for men to be trained away from emotional capacity in their own lives, which then makes them unable to connect with their spouses as well. And I think that is really what’s wrong with the picture: lack of emotional intimacy, and probably your husband’s difficulty in addressing this, which leads to him turning away from you and toward other things like fishing. Here’s a short video from Dr. John Gottman about building emotional trust. Doesn’t solve the problem you’re having, but I think it’s good to at least identify what’s going on so that if you want to address it, you’re addressing the actual problem: lack of emotional intimacy. The sexual stuff you can take care of other ways, as you’ve said.
Peace to you,
Kay
Really great.info! It seems to be more common than I thought
JAS, what does the Bible say about adultery and divorce? I think you should get some good biblical counseling. You don’t sound like a follower of Christ, to me. Do you remember what he did for you? He who did not spare his own Son, will he not give you strength and joy in this battle of marriage? What is marriage, but a representation of Christ and the bride? Does Christ dump you because of your lustful thoughts and shameful ways? Or is he long suffering with you, not willing that you should perish, but wishing you to come to repentance? Your wife’s libido issues are only bringing out the sins in your heart, now thank God for that- repent and turn, while you can. He doesn’t offer repentance forever. Do you think he is not strong enough to save your marriage? He knows our every thought, all our secrets. He is the one who loves us even as we are spurning his free gift and willfully sinning against him. I pray that God gives you the gift of repentance, for you seem very hard hearted. I pray that you get the help you need for your marriage.
So interesting, the question of what God says about adultery and divorce. Maybe not always what we think! Here and here are a couple of articles.
Work harder – nope. I’ve been many a person over the years – the acceptance criteria changes daily. I found that threat of Divorce may cause a spouse to get interested for a short time again but not much else works – at least for us good guys who already show responsibilities,etc.
Marriage creates a sense of comfort and security. A spouse suddenly turns off when it comes to sex. Except for desire to conceive – or other reasons so it too often proves to be a manipulation and the other spouse is now trapped. Usually due to cost of divorce, affect on kids and social standing post divorce. The pain is great in a SM. I would tell anyone without kids to considering marriage – go at this very slowly – you haven’t any idea what awaits you,
I love my wife very much and we get along great and do everything together. Been married 29 years but in the last 3 years, she has completely lost her libido. We have worked with her doctor and tried everything but nothing works. Last thing she tried was this new pill called Addyi, it helps women bring back their desire for sex but did not work for her whatsoever. My wife is functional when she makes the effort, I can get her to climax. It’s just the desire isn’t there. It’s tough for me because we went from at least 2 to 3 times per week 3 years ago to essentially nothing and I don’t know if I can live like that for the rest of my life. Sex and intimacy is so important to me. She told me a couple of weeks ago when she was still on this Addyi pill that I was on my own when it comes to sex because she was done trying. The Addyi was causing her to not sleep and Lord knows that just makes her flat ass mean and who the hell wants to have sex with someone like that anyways. I told her to stop taking it and we’d figure things out but I guess I’m on my own…… I’ll be damned if I’m going to be sentenced to a life of jerking off and maybe getting an occasional hand job in the shower from her because she feels obligated. We go to church and my wife in fact works for a church. Bible says clearly in 1 Corinthians verse 7 the following: 7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
In summary, it’s all about choice and she chooses to not make the effort and I choose to not be deprived of loving intimacy for the remainder of my life. I’m 49 years old and have a woman that I work with who wants me so bad and I believe would do anything for me. I’m tipping in that direction but will make one last attempt to give my wife an opportunity to understand what it is we agreed to when we said we do. By the way, both my kids are in college and adults. I don’t feel obligated to stay for them anymore.
Wow. If you’re saying that your wife’s health problems and medication “make her flat ass mean and who the hell wants to have sex with someone like that anyways” plus you “have a woman at work who wants me so bad” then I’d say your marriage problems are not about your wife’s lack of libido, or about her lack of obedience to scripture. I’d say look a little closer to home and take some responsibility for your objectification of your wife as a sexual object who only exists to provide you with what you want. If that’s what you said in your “I do’s” it sure doesn’t sound like the kind of loving, caring, honoring, comforting or any of the other things I usually hear at weddings.
“Work harder” is not always realistic when there are medical issues, longstanding emotional issues where libido is just clinically impossible or if you just don’t find your spouse attractive anymore. You can’t force sex if it is impossible. Therapists that tell someone to work harder at it when it is impossible only makes them feel guilty or feel that they are defective people. You can’t will yourself to have sex when the desire is gone completely.
Relations are complicated – Abuse in them, distrust, stonewalling, when one gets cut out and ill treated things start to break apart slowly – and also if it stops – after a longer time has passed by, the hurt stays with them and the soutions dont always come to get harnessed, like couples therapy, the growing back to deep connections and attractions – as the hurt somehow, just gets disguied bellow the surface of the new you that aproaches.
Further – when the break is as hard and gruesome as close to a break up, or divorce, in spiritual terms , one just cohabit as friends and pals, that are still apart sharing the same apartment – sex is just a dead fish in the sea. The cravings for long time stay with others – in your longing soul and body – till you realize all is just a faint idea of desperation, and none cares about who you are, and you are nothing worth pursuing in anyway, so – actually you are alone in this world.
She is by her PC station with friends – and You, are by your PC by your own.
If lucky – you end up with a Pet !
I got a Rabbit !
Thanks Doug.. it’s great seeing you and reading you posts.. I remember when you gave your testimony back in the day. GOD is so FAITHFUL and you are a testament to this .
Unattractive to your mate should be added to the list of 8.
I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss (mainly miss). My wife weight has ballooned (80-90 pounds) once the kids were born (28 years ago). She always had a weight problem but said she would get in shape AFTER we were married… it NEVER happened. She said that when we have sex to turn the lights off because she is disgusting to look at naked. She has never wanted to lose it but just accept it…that she was fat and unattractive. She does “go to the gym” but that just means she can go and work out for 40 minutes but eat 3 times as much! I work out everyday (except Sunday for Church) for 2-3 hours. Once menopause hit her desire for sex evaporated (10 years ago) She said that I can take care of myself in the shower and that is just fine with her. Jesus said in the sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:28) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. I cannot go anywhere or even to the beach that does not involve seeing beautiful woman. All I do is “commit adulterous thoughts” and repent of those thoughts every day. I do not want a divorce but suffer in silence. I can’t believe I will be in this misery for the remainder of my life and I am only 55. What if I live another 40 years!!! Hopefully I will die or Jesus Christ will return I will be free of this pain and sorrow. COME LORD JESUS!!!!
There is another reason. Sexual abuse IN MARRIAGE. Yes it happens, and it happens a lot. It needs to be brought out and addressed.
Yes. Give us the info.