When a husband brings porn into the marriage, he brings other women to their marriage bed. It’s stained with the images of other people. Who wants to make love on a stained bed? It has to be cleaned first. Husband and wife, together, need to wash the sheets, not obsess over whether they are clean or not, and trust that the stains have been washed away.
There isn’t a clear method or time to come together again. It’s individual for each couple. The husband has to be willing to truly clean the sheets, not just try to rub it off with some water and move on. Making love is the closest form of intimacy we can have with each other, and we shouldn’t jump right into it without falling in love again, holding hands, kissing passionately, holding each other. I know for some people it’s easier to make love and those things will fall into place, but I think sometimes we force the sex part because we feel pressured for some reason.
Sex isn’t a selfish act. This culture can make us believe that sex is about having an orgasm and being pleasured, but it’s about becoming one with your spouse, enjoying him/her, and pleasuring him/her, just like marriage. A husband shouldn’t focus on how much his wife loves him; instead, he should be loving her as Christ loves the Church. And a wife shouldn’t be focused on how much her husband loves her; she should be loving her husband with a true and selfless love.
But what if you don’t trust him? What if you fear women popping up in your head, or even worse, his? What if you feel dirty? What if he tries to make you do things you don’t want to do?
In my book, Exposed, Ally says at some point that she finally understands “the weakness of ‘if’ and the power of ‘faith.’” Sometimes our “what if’s” are true, but there are times they aren’t. We don’t really know the heart of a person, but if our husbands are trying—really trying—to win us back, if we can see his growth, his desire for purity, then who are we to use doubt as an excuse not to make love to him? Yes, he betrayed us and it’s hard to trust. And trust will take time to rebuild on so many different levels of the relationship. But we can’t use his sin as an excuse for our lack of desire to grow and change.
It’s hard to give up our insecurities of our beauty and the insecurities of his faithfulness and purity and devotion to us. But insecurities are nothing more than another word for self-centeredness. They are planted in our hearts and minds to destroy us. And if we give in to insecurities and continue looking inward and feeling sorry for ourselves, it will torture us.
I can’t tell a wife when to have sex with her husband again. That’s for her to decide. But I like to ask women this question: Are you holding back from him (when he is changing and proving his devotion to you) for selfish reasons? I don’t ever recommend people to begin making love again when the bed is still stained and the husband is still having an affair with other images. And if he is changing, I don’t recommend making love either. Why?
Because you have to desire it first. I never tell women to jump into a stained bed (or even a clean bed) when they don’t desire it. It’s not about “releasing” him so he doesn’t look at porn. It’s not about trying to fix your marriage. It’s about love. Loving each other. Becoming one. Enjoying intimacy as it was intended—for only you and your spouse.
So…how do you know when it’s finally time to make love again?
You love. When you love him and desire him enough to give him all of you…you are ready, and vice versa. But the trick is to not hold on to our insecurities, fears, and doubts in order to keep intimacy from our marriage. When George and I went through this I refused to make love to him (even after he truly changed) because I wanted to punish him. Other times I feared my thoughts or his. And still there were times I just plain listened to lies or felt too ugly to be that intimate with my husband. But eventually, I asked God to change my heart. To help me love fully, unconditionally, and through the eyes of Jesus, instead of the eyes of deception.
When my heart changed, my insecurities lessened, my doubts withered (although they were still there a tiny bit), and I stopped listening to lies. Finally, I desired to make love to my husband. I wanted to be one with him again. And we both knew when it was the right time. It wasn’t forced. Neither of us pressured the other. I didn’t make love to him in hopes that it would keep him from looking at porn again.
We made love because we purely loved each other. Simple, beautiful, and real.
I can’t say when the right time for you will be. But you’ll know. Pray for a new heart for both man and wife, and your marriage. Get the lies, doubts, stains, and insecurities out of your marriage bed, look at each other with the love you had when you put those rings on your fingers, and express that love to each other with the most beautiful form of intimacy we can share. Sex is beautiful. When pure, it actually glorifies God.
I know you can get to this point again. It’s just going to take some cleaning. Spend some time with each other cleaning your hearts, your bed, and your marriage. When you are ready…you’ll know.
This site is so wonderful and helpful! I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years but together for 16 years. I knew that he looked at porn while we were just dating but inhad no idea it was a problem for him and only knew of the occasional time he looked at it. A year after we moved in together I found a LOT of porn on the browsing history on our computer and I felt that it was way too much to be considered just a casual thing. So I confronted him with it to which he denied until he wa blue in the face. He only owned up to it when I showed him the browsing history. I don’t think he knew that I was technically inclined on computers. Honestly what hurt me the most that first time was the adamant lying about and the total dishonesty to the point that he was trying to make me feel bad for accusing him. I had noticed at the time that we weren’t having much sex anymore and we were only in our late 20’s. I was working days at that time and he was between jobs so spent a lot of time home alone. I told him it was a problem for me that he was substituting me for the porn and I didn’t want him to donut anymore because it hurt me and made me feel like garbage and totally inadequate. I forgave him and trusted that he would go along with our deal of no more porn. Well year after year an incident would pop up and yet again h would lie terribly. I really began to lose trust after each incident and felt worse as worse about myself. I couldn’t trust anything he said to me anymore. Each time he’s seem sorry and be nice to me for awhile and then sort of slack off a fall into the same situation. I had no idea there was such a thing as porn addiction. He always went through great lengths to hide it from me, hidden files, folders, folders with different names on them. I really bagan to feel that he was just so devious and couldn’t be honest with me for the life of him. Over the years this continued betrayal combined with his lack of verbal, emotional and physical affection, I lost even what seems my own identity. I started to not care about looking good for him anymore and just being withdrawn. When we did make love it was so mechanical and he seemed pretty selfish in only wanting to please himself. Long story short I began to loathe myself. A few weeks ago I caught him again because our new internet service allows me to check our router’s activity remotely. I asked him for his phone to see what he’d been up to and again the lies. He had cleaned up his browsing history. But my server told me where he had been exactly. I was so disgusted! I told him that this was IT! The last time ever and I am out of here. He came home with flowers that evening and told me he has a problem and this time really wants to fix it. He took me ojtnand for dinner and we discussed things. He told me he had the problem size stumbling on his father’s magazines as a child. I finally began to look at it from a slightly different point of view. I found your site and all the wonderful articles and ebooks and have been reading and sending them to him to read. He slept in our guest room for a few nights to read in solitude. He really has a lightbulb going off and is beginning to understand the depth of the problem ad how much he has hurt me and out marriage. He is generally such a kind and generous man, a good father, good provider and my best friend. We have internet filters on our computers and his smart phone. My question is how long will we need to carry out the filtering before he can be trusted to never do it again? How many years? I don’t ever want to have the feeling again like I have to check up on him to make sure he’s no lying to me and not going back to old habits. He is currently reading the Porn Circuit and understands that it can take at least 90 days to re-wire his brain. He doesn’t have a close man that we trust enough to be his mentor. We are in the process of looking for a group or counsellor. I’m thinking I’ll need one for me too. I have already forgiven him this time around because I love him dearly and I’ve been praying daily for both our recovery from this. But I am going to take a long time to trust again. What do I do of he allers to slack on his recovery activities or in trying to rebuild trust with me? I don’t want to be like the nag. We are trying to rebuild intimacy outside the bedroom with some success. I’m just so afraid it will just fall back into nothingness. Do I just have to let go of this fear and work with God on this?
You might all find this crazy but on one of the nights my husband slept in the spare room, he awoke in the middle I the night to whispers that “he needed variety” that was total creepy to him and myself! I’ve been praying to cast out any evil in our lives and that sounded kind of sinister to us! Any advice on what steps to take next? He was born Catholic and I am Christian. Thanks so much for the wealth of information here!
Hello Carly,
First, it is encouraging to hear that you and your husband are seeking help and benefiting from what we write here. I hope we can continue to encourage you!
Second, let me encourage you to move forward with your plans. It would be great if both you and your husband sought out some help from some spiritual sensitive and experienced people. That could be individuals at a church who have experience in this area, or it could be from a counselor or group. You can always return here and leave comments as well: we are happy to help however we can.
Third, to address your questions…
– If your husband wants to rebuild your trust, I highly recommend he read this article I wrote here a few weeks ago. If I had a room full of porn-addicted married men, this is what I would tell them to do, step-by-step.
– There will likely be times when he feels like he’s letting out some slack in his recovery, and this is why it is so vital that he has a group of men or a mentor or counselor that he faithfully meets with every week, regardless of how he is doing or feeling. I tell men this, “When you are at your best, plan for your worst.” I tell men, “You might feel secure and confident and in control now, but a time will come when you won’t, so prepare for that time. Put the kind of relationships and habits of honesty in your life that prepare you for that moment. When that moment comes, you will be tempted to minimize it or hide it, but those habits of honesty and openness will hold you up.” This is one reason why Internet accountability software can be a big help.
– It sounds like you aren’t neglecting your marriage in the midst of this recovery process, and that is good. Consider doing something together as a couple to set new expectations for your marriage, such as a marriage retreat, or maybe watching these videos together about having a gospel-centered marriage and intimacy.
– The creepy voice you heard could be a couple different things. First, we can’t rule out the idea that it was something demonic. That’s a real possibility. Get in the habit of saying, “The Lord rebuke you” (Jude 1:9) in these situations. The voice could also have been something in your husband’s own mind. Since we are all sinful, sin has a profound effect on our minds and thoughts. In either case, look at this creepy thought not just as something scary but as a window into reality. Here’s the reality: sin is real and dangerous, porn is the temptation to selfishly seek after variety and novelty despite one’s commitments, the Enemy wants to ensnare others with it, and your husband has spent years indulging it. This voice should be a welcome wake-up call that porn is not merely a harmless pastime but something that aligns people with the Devil’s purposes and can destroy relationships.
I hope these thoughts are a help to you!
I’ve been married for almost 6 years and my husband has been looking at pornography the entire time. He’s almost always been completely honest about it and told me without me asking. He’s always repentant. He goes through longer stretches (around 50 days being his max) without looking at pornography because he does want to change; but then he also has periods of looking at it several times a week. He has talked to a couple counselors, read books, fasted, etc.
I have always eventually started making love with him again, whether it be a couple days or a couple weeks later. I guess my question is: is it foolish for me to keep on trying to trust him and to keep on giving myself to him? What advice do you have for someone who is trying rebuild trust with their husband (who does want to change) but who continually turns to these images of other women? What does it look like for him to be trying to rebuild my trust? Any wisdom you have would be appreciated.
Hi Callie,
Great questions. I’m very sorry to hear about this situation you’re in. I know it must be exhausting having to deal with his continued falls into sin.
First of all, you’re dealing with a question of trust. While forgiveness should be something given freely, trust should be earned. You should base your trust on his demonstrated trustworthiness. What small and large things does he do to demonstrate to you that he is trustworthy? What actions does he do that demonstrate he is not trustworthy? He needs to know what actions help you to rebuild that trust.
I wrote an article a while back about ways husbands can reassure their wives. You might want to read it or have him read it.
Second, trust may or may not be related to the issue of sex. While, of course, sex is related to intimacy, and intimacy is more deeply experienced when you truly trust someone, sex can also be a building block of intimacy. If you are comfortable with it, there’s nothing wrong with having sex with him even in the midst of not trusting him completely. If, however, you find yourself uncomfortable with making love to him because your mind and heart don’t trust him, then you need to have a conversation with him about that.
Some couples in your situation fast from sex for a planned duration of time. This isn’t something done specifically because of a loss of trust, but something done strategically to recenter your efforts and affections on other important matters. I have an article about that topic, why it is helpful for some (not all), and the right mentality to have about it (if you and your husband deem it is best for your marriage).
Last, I would simply ask what doors are still open to him to watch porn after 6 years of marriage. How is he accessing it? What enables him to get access? If he wants to distance himself from this, what can he get rid of in his life? Often we justify keeping doors open because they seem necessary to us. “I can’t get rid of my phone! What if there is an emergency?” “I can’t download that software! What if my boss notices it?” “I can’t ask someone to be my accountability partner! What will they think when I tell them I look at porn?” When couples get creative, they can find solutions to these problems.
My husband and I had our fourth anniversary a month ago. 2 weeks ago I found porn on his phone.
I became oversensitive to everything since my ex boyfriend told me he had an issue with porn and masterbation when I was 18.
Before I even started my relationship to my now husband I asked him about it.
He was honest and told me he had been struggling since he was 12 but always felt so terrible that he wanted it to stop. He’d even hinted it to his ex hoping she would help him without success.
We prayed together and I truly believe that he never wanted that again. He knew the shame and despair that came with it all to well.
He was clean for 3 and a half years before he fell into it again.
Once I caught him 2 weeks ago we both broke down.
He told me he had been looking for 2 years, half our marriage.
It’s so hard not to put some blame on myself. I knew of his temptations yet agreed to him getting a smartphone (he always asked me before making big purchases) after I said no so many times in in fear of this very thing I finally gave my consent with the agreement that if I ever caught him doing anything ing inappropriate on there I was going to throw his phone out.
He only had it for 5 or 6 months before it happened. My daughter was just 6 months and I was feeling the worst about myself with my hated c-section scar and all the stretch marks. Not to mention the extra weight that now hung off my once flat tummy. It’s so hard to feel beautiful after knowing that.
He’s lied so many times. I’ve asked, we’ve both talked about it. He would talk about when he was “young and stupid” when referring to porn.
I told him all about the changes I saw in him but didn’t know why. I talked about how sometimes I noticed he would look at me but not really notice me when was trying to turn him on. He is shorter tempered than the patient gentle man I married. Even or kids get less attention than my young siblings did before this started again. I would ask him to do something as simple as sit outside in the sun with me just to be with him and he would turn me down. Intimacy was stained but I thought that part of it was just losing the “honeymoon stage”. I didn’t realize how wrong that was.
I too like many in here an struggling with images with him and someone else. To the point where I feel our marriage bed is defiled and won’t sleep in it with him until we get a new one. Every time I touch it I feel dirty and start seeing images of the naked women he was with in it . Financially I don’t think we will be able to afford one for 6 months or so. We have been sleeping on our pullout couch.
I didn’t do the research before about sex and porn. I thought I could help by taking his mind off and putting it on me the first week. I felt sick every time though. I struggled through my pain and tried not to show it because of my determination to do anything to help him just want me.
Finally I broke down and told him that I was having Sex but not making love. He felt terrible about that as well.
He’s a good man. He just fell. He never wanted to hurt me but couldn’t stop himself. He felt like he was using me all over after never wanting to do that again. He wants me to feel comfortable.
I feel so hurt. This is harder than losing my first child. At least he was by my side and understood for that.
I miss my best friend. There is so much I have missed. I feel like the last 2 years were waisted.
We are getting more help this time. We want permanent healing not temporary.
I know he’ll struggle with temptation for the rest of his life. I know temptation is not a sin but I can’t help but feel hurt that other naked women are his weak point. That he’ll always find it alluring. How do I get past this hurt? It’s not a sin but even that is painful to me.
Also, is it smart to wait 90 days before Sex after stopping porn? Does it somehow help? I downloaded one of your help books you mentioned above and haven’t read it yet but I’m willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get him out for good.
Are there always relapses or can he be relapse free? I keep searching for stories where they were able to quit cold turkey and never go back but I haven’t had any luck. I can’t go through this again. It kills me inside.
Although he feels a weight lifted off of him and genuinely wants to never go back I still feel all that weight and sorrow for losing something so valuable.
We were both virgins before we got married. Porn makes me feel used. I missed out on him just as much as he missed out on me.
Hi Brit,
A lot of women feel they are somehow to blame because they aren’t _________ enough to turn on their man. Resist this lie. Some of the most stunning women in the world (by whatever subjective cultural standard you use) are married to porn addicts. Why? Because porn is naturally a selfish act, something that teaches me to treat sex as something on-tap and made-to-order. There are no real women that can compare to this because real sex forces a man to think about another person’s desires and needs, not just his own.
Keep in mind, the reason why your husband is sexually drawn to the female form is because God created him that way. It is not sinful for him to have a sex drive, or for him to think that women, generally speaking, are attractive. What matters is what he does with this drive in his heart and his mind. Does he walk around in the world, bump into attractive women and pray, “Yes, she’s pretty, God. Thank you for making women beautiful and for making me to be attracted to women, so now help me direct my desires toward one woman, the woman you gave me.” As he learned to bounce his eyes and thoughts away from other women to think about you, his habits of mind will change and over time you will again become his standard of beauty.
The 90 days of abstinence can be a help, but I would only do it under the guidance of a counselor. You can read more about that here.
Can a man quit cold turkey the first time around? It is possible, and I know some men who have. But there are two goals both of you need to keep in mind: (1) what will help to prevent relapse, and (2) how we will both choose to react to a relapse if it happens. I recommend you both read this article about kicking a porn habit.
There’s nothing that can be written. Nothing that can be said that hasn’t already been said. It’s all there, all the comfort we need, the reassurance we need, the advice we need and the support we need. But still the pain rages on. This issue touches everything. It’s so evil and it’s so devastating and it so touches every part of our world. It’s like a living black web that’s invisible until you see it, and once you begin to see it, you realize its tentacles reach between everything. Every person, every family, every marriage, every relationship. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me angry. It makes me angry because Satan knows. It makes me angrier because it’s part of his plan. If he only knew the torment that awaits him for this. If he only knew that it will all be in vain, that God will save those He will save and rescue those He will rescue and redeem those He will redeem. I just wish this terrible thing called porn wasn’t a part of that for so many people.
It’s a sin just like any other sin. And yet there’s something different about it. Something that makes it powerful and far-reaching. It’s a part of something so intimate to who we are, our sexuality. The aim in all war is to attack the enemy at their base camp. All generals strive for this but often in war little battles around the edges are all that’s possible, but all that’s necessary to defeat the enemy. But this… this issue represents complete, total infiltration into the very base and heart of man, of our lives. It’s horrible. It’s that part of the movie where you feel all hope is lost, where that terrible event takes place which you foresaw but didn’t want to acknowledge because if it happened, it would mean that unbounded, unrestrained evil has taken hold of anything and everything. It is the forming of Sauron’s army, it’s the death of Aslan, it’s the moment you find out that Voldemort has split his soul into who knows how many pieces and evil is all but undefeatable and good has all but lost.
And yet in all these cases there is hope. There is always hope. I am convinced that the tiniest thread of hope is more powerful than all the forces of evil combined. All it takes is a single thread still holding on, and hope can grow into faith which can grow into trust which can grow into love, and during this process something called transformation takes place, in which God takes the most hopeless of situations and works with the most helpless of people to produce the most glorious testament to His power and display of His love.
I truly believe this. Never give up. Good has not lost. God has not lost. “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:18-21.
Love hopes all things. Thank you, Derek.
I wish to thank you for the above information. I am still struggling to let go of my insecurities and feel beautiful in his eyes. We tried to increase the tempo a bit the other night in a bid to return to the sex life we had before I discovered his porn viewing. I was extremely uncomfortable to begin with and we found it difficult to find a happy medium between “taking things slowly” and “enjoying sex (as opposed to making love)”. I am not religious these days, but found your comments regarding not being intimate with my partner for selfish reasons and your comments about praying for a change in heart very thought provoking. I realised that I was indeed holding out these days more for selfish reasons rather than initial disgust etc. I was raised a Catholic and despite my protests against organised religion, I really have found this site comforting and helpful. I wish to thank all who have contributed to this site for firstly understanding why I have been feeling the way I have, but for also providing me with the resources to get by and move forward with my partner.
You’re welcome, Samantha. I wish you and your husband all the best.
So my name isn’t really Sara. But I’m staying anonymous to protect my husband. My husband battled porn for years before we got married, and he had overcome. But this week, one single ad came up, and he started looking again. I checked his browser history and those horrible images will probably be burned in my mind forever. I feel so hurt and betrayed. :( I wish I could rewind and erase all of this, but I can’t. I’ve forgiven him and am trying so hard every day to get through and survive. I’m afraid to have sex again, and I’m afraid of withholding because I don’t want him to go back to those images. How do I trust him again? How do I get past all this devastation? I feel afraid and hopeless. :(
First things first: remember, his porn problems have nothing to do with you. Pornography is an addictive activity, and he got hooked on it long before he ever met you. Think of a recovering alcoholic: even if they’ve stayed dry and sober for years, they may never be able to walk into a liquor store or bar without significantly struggling, and often failing. Even if he’s not looking for porn intentionally, it’s entirely too easy to stumble across it online via ads on other sites, as you mentioned here.
I’m not trying to justify his failure, or say you should simply forgive and forget. I am, however, trying to help you empathize with his position, so that you can be better equipped to help him in his struggles.
One practical step you can take is to read Porn and Your Husband, which will give you some ideas for setting boundaries in your marriage.
I also strongly recommend installing Internet Accountability software on all the computers, smartphones, and tablets he uses, if you haven’t done so already. Make sure he knows you’re doing it. The idea is not that you’re trying to spy on him; the idea is that if he knows someone will see where he goes online, then he’ll be less likely to click. He should also pick a trusted male friend to receive his Reports. This friend will be able to talk to him when he’s struggling with temptation without reacting out of personal hurt, as you would likely (understandably) do.
I am a husband who failed his wife. I first began looking at pornography with late night cinemax movies at age 11. Then by age 14 I had access to a computer with the internet. By age 17 I had a computer in my room. In my adult life, I have had a rollercoaster ride of porn usage, and abstainence, typically coinciding with new relationships by eventually falling back into usage when the relationship became stale.
When my wife, who was then my girlfriend became pregnant, I left the state to look for a job. When I was in my hometown again, I fell back into old habits, and began using internet pornography. When I finally moved my wife up to live with me again, she almost immediately discovered the evidence of my usage on my computer. She was devastated. I promised not to use pornography again and intended to follow through, but when she couldn’t forgive me and our love life suffered, I fell back into usage.
Pressured to hiding my usage and feeling as though I was always being watched, I grew desperate. I let my wife nap while I gave the baby some cheerios and put her in front of the TV, leaving me to my laptop at the dining room table. My wife came out of the bedroom to discover me masturbating to internet pornography in the same room that my toddler was watching sesame street. I have never been so ashamed.
We have stayed married and worked very hard, began going to church and I have struggled ever since that day to become a different, better and less selfish person. However, the challenges of intimacy and forgiveness are proving too hard for my wife, and the challenges of patience are wearing on me. I often find myself pressuring her into intimacy which I realize has ruined the experience for her. I am desperate to repair our marriage, but after 4 years of abstaining from internet porn usage, and two children later my wife still has not forgiven me. I will never forgive myself if our marriage and family falls apart.
Hi Ryan,
I am so sorry pornography has wrecked havoc on your marriage like this. It is good that you are willing to acknowledge your guilt in all of this. That’s a big first step. It is also good that you are striving for a marriage of real intimacy and a pure thought-life.
It sounds to me that you would both benefit from some counseling with a trusted mentor. Here’s how you might approach your wife: “On different occasions you have caught me looking at pornography. You know how terrible I feel about this. I don’t want us to always be stuck in the past, with you or I focusing on my faults and mistakes. I want to have eyes for only you. I want our marriage to grow in intimacy and care for each other. Five years from now I want to be able to look back on this time and say that we’ve gotten much closer, but I know that means we have to make deliberate effort.
“I would love to go to someone to talk about our marriage. I feel no shame in saying this: I am willing to do anything I can to be a better husband, and if that means getting good advice and counseling, I will do it. I want to do this with you.”
If she says no, just let her know that you want to get help for yourself anyway, find someone to mentor you so you can be a better husband, better father, better lover, and more pure in thought and mind. As Christians, we don’t grow in a vacuum: we only grow when we are in community with other people who know our hurts, pains, fears, temptations, and sins, and when we can get wise counsel from those people. There is no shame at all in getting help.
I have a new concern … I have posted my info above and the response was great thank you, I did take your advice my husband is currently reading the porn circuit he is on chapter 4 I have read it and went back to reread a few parts even and have also read porn and your husband and our first appt with a counselor is in 6 days. Ok now to my concern, tonight he tried to come on to me and I turned him down, I didn’t really push him away or make him feel bad we were cuddling and I continued to cuddle, he got mad we didn’t argue but I did try to explain that I just don’t know if we should, because if he has thoughts of porn while we are having sex it could set him back not to mention it is hard for me to without wondering if he is and it is depressing to be so confused about it,I also said that I just thought it would help us gain true intimacy without sex if we just focused on eachother without it I want to please my husband and I also worry that he might turn to porn if I don’t… it has been 15 days since we have had sex and only 8 since he confessed to having an addiction. He works third just left and went unhappy
Hmm, that’s a tough situation. You may want to ask your counselor about it. A good plan until then is to talk to your husband about your disagreement and your reasons for turning him down, and then decide together whether you want to have sex, and if not, for how long. The Porn Circuit recommends a 90-day detox, including sex, so you might make that a baseline (or even just the baseline of no sex until you’ve talked to the counselor). If you choose not to have sex, once you’ve hit the date you set, then have another conversation with him and determine whether you’re ready for sex again, or whether you want to hold off for a bit longer.
I found out a week and a half ago that my husband has been addicted to porn for 8 years of our 9 year marriage. The two most difficult pieces of this for me are 1. I made it very clear when we were dating that porn and masturbation were two habits I would not tolerate. My dad looks at porn and eventually led to him divorcing my mom. A previous boyfriend was addicted to it. I had scars from it that caused me to be extremely direct in letting my husband know this was an area I could not handle to face with him. 2. The lies. Since I had so much hurt from my past, I asked my husband how he was doing throughout the years. He adamantly lied to me. Not only did he lie, he made me feel bad for asking. We had very firm boundaries laid out- looking away at bad commercials, if seeing an attractive woman at the beach- obviously knowing he couldn’t control noticing her, but not giving her any looks, etc. All of it hurt when I found out. The porn was a complete shocker. I feel like he has been having an affair on me because of the lies and denial. How did he lie to me again and again, while also telling me how much he loved me? We set up Wednesday nights to be our night to put the kids to bed, eat dinner and go through various marriage books. Long, good conversations. Sometime this topic was addressed and he denied any impurity in his life. He made me think he was seeking the Lord, seeking accountability from friends, seeking to honor me. I am so confused because I did feel so safe with him and now feel extremely terrified of him. On one hand I think I know him and on the other I feel like he is just a liar who has delighted in evil our entire marriage. Over the years, this has shown up in very good friends’ lives who have opened up to us about it. Again, my husband stood up to it with integrity, saying it was wrong, to get out of it, etc. I am married to a perfectionist who has believed he hasn’t had a problem until now. I don’t know if I can get through this with him.
Hi Leslie,
I’m sorry to hear you had to go through this! I recommend reading Porn and Your Husband to get an idea of some next steps for your marriage.
You describe your husband as “addicted.” I want you to remember that word as you and your husband work toward recovery. Porn has created a need for itself in your husband’s brain. He will go through withdrawals, and he will occasionally fail. It’s possible that he lied to you about his porn use because he is ashamed of his actions and wanted to protect you. He might also have felt that since it was his struggle, it was his problem to solve as well.
As you both work to repair your marriage, please DO NOT keep his struggles secret to just the two of you. I’m not saying to tell everyone you know, but you should find someone you both trust as an impartial third party (your pastor, an older gentleman in your church, or your father-in-law, for example). It may be worth hiring a professional counselor. Have this person hold your husband accountable for his Internet use. This person will help your husband break his addiction without feeling personally betrayed when he inevitably looks at porn again.
At the same time, you should find another woman for your own recovery. She will be able to help you work to forgive him (which does NOT mean accepting a continuance of his porn use) and rebuild your marriage.
I just found out two days ago that my husband has been looking at porn for the last 6 months of our 1 1/2 year marriage. I have been pregnant twice since we have been married so our sex life hasn’t been super fulfilling. I asked him about is two nights ago and he lied sayi g he’d never look at porn, then I showed him his browsing history.
I feel so hurt, angry, ugly and sad. I can’t look at him without my heart ripping. I can’t touch him without thinking he is imagining women who dont have stretch marks. He has said he was sorry but hasn’t asked for forgiveness.
We are starting counseling this week but I still feel so surprised that he did that to me. I wasn’t enough for him so he looked at other women. He says he loves me and I’m the most beautiful woman in the world but how can he think that and look at other women?
How can I help him when I can’t even see us ever having sex again?
Hi Rian,
Getting past the thought of him fantasizing about other women is, perhaps, one of the toughest things for a woman to do after she’s caught her husband with porn. This is something I believe your counselor should address with you.
That said, keep in mind that trust is not granted. It is earned. This is something that will be your husband’s battle: he must win your trust. I would communicate with him what trusting him again will involve. Certainly he shouldn’t be looking at porn anymore, but what else? This is something you counselor should talk to you about: how to rebuild a sense of intimacy in your marriage that communicates how he feels about you.
Speaking as a man, men see many facets of a person when it comes to beauty. Your husband knows aspects of who you are, inside and out, that no one else knows, and these are among the many reasons he finds you beautiful. He must fight the lies that pornography feeds him about what a true standard of beauty is. In the same way, you should fight those lies in your own mind: those women are not the standard of beauty.