About 45% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and 88% of all resolutions end in failure. Your resolution this year might be to “lose weight,” “get organized,” or “quit smoking.” Regardless, there are good psychological reasons why most New Year’s resolutions, including the resolution to quit porn, fail. And when you’re resolved to stop something as pleasurable as watching porn, the deck is most certainly stacked against you.
So, how do you set a resolution that sticks? What does behavioral science say, and more importantly, how does the Bible shed light on quitting porn?
1. Start with small, measurable goals
“What a mistake—the whole idea around New Year’s resolutions. People aren’t picking specific behaviors, they’re picking abstractions,” says B.J. Fogg, founder of Tiny Habits.
Dr. Coral Arvon, director of behavioral health and wellness at Pritikin Longevity Center, agrees. She says there is a big difference between making resolutions and changing habits. Setting “small, short-term goals are the most effective, and taking resolutions one step at a time is the best way to succeed,” Dr. Arvon says.
Dr. Richard Wiseman tracked 5,000 individuals in their New Year’s resolutions. Only 10% achieved their goals. One of the key things the 10% did to succeed was break their overall goal into a series of steps, focusing on sub-goals that were concrete, measurable, and time-based.
The Bible is replete with such wisdom. Jesus says those who finish well as disciples are those who anticipate the measurable steps along the way. He said, “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’” (Luke 14:28-30). The book of Proverbs also recognizes the wisdom of knowing the day-to-day steps and logical ordering it takes to achieve a goal. “Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house” (Proverbs 24:27).
So, how do you turn “Stop looking at porn” into smaller goals? Isn’t it an all-or-nothing kind of thing? Yes and no. Yes, one of our sub-goals should not be to merely “cut back” our porn viewing or reduce it to some manageable frequency. Merely drinking less deadly poison compared to yesterday is not an admirable goal.
But we can—and should—break our goal down into day-by-day, moment-by-moment steps. More often than not, freedom from pornography is not about being “delivered” from sin in a moment; it is about choosing to say “no.” The miracle of healing is a process.
- Write down the places and situations where the temptation to view porn is the strongest and plan an “exit strategy” to flee from those tempting situations over the next three weeks. Plan how you will avoid those situations. Write it down. Plan how you will exit those situations when they arise. Write it down. Why three weeks? Because it’s easier than saying “for the rest of my life.” After three weeks, set a new goal.
- Write down a list of SUDs—Seemingly Unimportant Decisions—that typically bring you one step closer to viewing porn. Certain activities look benign, but often there is a hidden motive. Is it getting online at night all by yourself? Not going to bed on time? Watching certain channels on TV? Listening to a certain kind of music? Shutting the door to your office or room? Write these activities down and choose that for the next three weeks, you will not do these things.
- Pick a “fighter verse” that you will memorize and choose to speak aloud the moment a tempting thought enters your mind. Pick a Bible verse (or part of one) that packs a punch for you, one that reminds you of your overall goal, one that reminds you what is at stake, and one that reminds you of your commitment. There are many popular ones (Job 31:1; Psalm 101:3; Psalm 119:9-10, 37; Proverbs 7:25-27; Matthew 5:28-29; Romans 6:12; Romans 13:14; 1 Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 5:3; Philippians 4:8; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; 2 Timothy 2:22; Titus 2:11-13; 1 Peter 2:11). Don’t be ambitious and memorize all of them. Choose just one. Speak it to yourself throughout the day and the moments you notice your thoughts heading in the wrong direction. (And if you are thinking this baby step is somehow beneath you, it is probably a good indication that you need to do it.)
2. Focus on the rewards
According to Peter Kinderman, Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Liverpool, one of the biggest problems with New Year’s resolutions is that people are using a rather arbitrary event—the beginning of a new calendar year—to motivate themselves to be different. “The very fact that we’re using the New Year to spur us to action might indicate that we’re not really able to do the hard work of changing,” he says.
Dr. Wiseman notes that the top 10% who achieve their resolutions are those who regularly remind themselves about the benefits. He recommends people create a checklist of how life will be better once they achieve their aim. What will be the reward?
Again, the Bible is filled with the language of reward. How did Moses, who grew up in the palace of Pharaoh with the fleeting pleasures of sin at his fingertips, say no to those pleasures? The book of Hebrews says, “he was looking to the reward” (Hebrews 11:26). Indeed, this is the very nature of real faith. Faith “is the assurance of things hoped for” (11:1)—the anticipation that the life we are promised is real.
When it comes to saying no to lust and pornography, there are tailor-made promises in the Scriptures that hold out to us the blessings of having a sexually pure mind and body. The apostle Peter writes that we can become more like God Himself through His “precious and very great promises” (2 Peter 1:3).
Practically speaking, this means just as we have fed our minds on pornography, we should now feed our minds on God’s hope-filled promises. Just as we have spent hours engrossed in sexual media, we should spend hours filling our imaginations with God’s vision for our lives.
- If you are sexually pure, you will be living in the will of God for your life (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
- If you fill your mind with that which is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy, then God’s peaceful presence will be with you (Philippians 4:8-9).
- If you are not enslaved to your lusts, you will be freer to serve others in love (Galatians 5:13).
- If you are sexually pure, your life will be fruitful, and that fruit will be full of goodness, rightness, and truth (Ephesians 5:8-9).
- If you are sexually pure, your mind will no longer be foggy, your heart will be teachable, and you will be filled with the life of God (Ephesians 4:17-19).
- If you are sexually pure, your heart will not be enslaved to the worship of sex, which means you can wholeheartedly devote yourself to the true and living God (1 Kings 11:4).
- If you are sexually pure, you will be more prepared to be a great lover and to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse or future spouse (Proverbs 5:18-19).
- If you are sexually pure, you will keep your marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).
- If you are sexually pure, you will no longer waste time but instead make the most of it (Ephesians 5:16).
- If you are sexually pure, you will be an honorable person (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
- If you are a sexually pure, person you will not be enslaved to your passions (1 Corinthians 6:12).
Read and reread these promises. Rewrite all these promises as an “I Want” declaration to yourself:
“I want to be aligned with His will and surrounded by His peaceful presence. I want to master my desires, not be a slave to them. I want to be full of goodness, full of life, full of honor, full of worship, tender-hearted, and clear-minded. I want to make the most of my days. This is God’s vision for my life, and this is his promise to the pure in heart.”
When pornography assaults your senses or when those lustful flashbacks fill your mind, let this vision, and the promises attached to them, be the fuel you use to reject the world’s temptations.
If you want to be rid of porn, a surefire way to fail is to get caught in the trap of obsessing over what you are losing—not having your temporary “fix” anymore. Instead, focus on what you are gaining. Each day, prayerfully remind yourself: This is the kind of person I want to become.
3. Establish built-in reminders
Dr. Arvon suggests something simple like, “Set your smartphone calendar to give you positive messages or reminders about your goals a few times per day.” Dr. Wiseman says those who live up to their resolutions tangibly map out their progress, writing down their smaller goals and the benefits they desire.
This is also biblical. Moses established a yearly calendar and scheduled set times for the priests to blow trumpets as reminders to the people (Leviticus 23:24). Joshua had the twelve men from Israel carry stones from the Jordan River to build a memorial as a reminder of crossing the river on dry ground (Joshua 4). Jesus Himself instituted the Lord’s Supper to serve as a visible reminder to the church of His death (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).
It isn’t “unspiritual” to manipulate your physical environment so you can be reminded of your commitments. Do what works for you. Stick Post-It® Notes everywhere. Wear a ring or bracelet. Set alarms or alerts on your phone or your computer calendar. Or do like what Jason George does: record your voice speaking aloud the promises and blessings listed above in your iPod and listen to it every morning for the next three weeks—and then make the same commitment three weeks later.
4. Be accountable for your goals
Dr. Wiseman says that all those who achieve their resolutions had something else in common: They told their friends and family about their goals. This accomplished two things: it increased the fear of failure and created a network of support.
The same is true in cases of porn addiction. A study from Fuller Theological Seminary found that those who combined both Christian counseling and using Covenant Eyes on their computers experienced a 66% drop in relapses, and many participants said they never relapsed.
Accountability is also something the Bible speaks a great deal about. James teaches his readers to confess their sins to one another and pray for each other so they can find healing for their distresses (James 5:16). Throughout the New Testament, the phrase “one another” is repeated over and over, giving the church a picture of the kind of relationships we are meant to have: relationships of encouragement (1 Thes. 4:18), bearing each others’ burdens (Gal. 6:2), admonishment (Rom. 15:14), and love (Rom. 13:8).
Accountability also brings with it the fear of failure or disgrace before others. The threat of potential disgrace or shame before other people is a motivator to keep away from sin (Luke 14:9; Rom. 1:24-26; 6:21; 1 Cor. 11:6,14; 14:35). We ought to be aware of how our sins impact other people and our relationships. Paul’s term for this is “walking properly” (Rom. 13:13; 1 Cor. 14:40; 1 Thes. 4:12). It means living in a manner of decency, and having the awareness that our actions impact those around us.
We do not sin in a vacuum. Our sin impacts our families, friends, and communities, and thus it impacts our place in those relationships.
This is why accountability is critical for success, and when it comes to internet pornography, accountability software is a proven tool.
(See Allied: Fighting Porn With Accountability, Faith, and Friends).
5. Have the right attitude about slips
It is easy to fall prey to the “I might as well” attitude. If we slip and start watching a little pornography, often we say, “Well, I’ve already sinned. I might as well sin big.” Dr. Wiseman counsels those who are making New Year’s resolutions: “Expect to revert to your old habits from time to time. Treat any failure as a temporary setback rather than a reason to give up altogether.”
This is most certainly true in the area of pornography. In their groundbreaking Conquer Series, Jeremy and Tiana Wiles teach those in sexual bondage: “A relapse does not stop the healing process, but it will have consequences.” This balance is critical. Relapses into sexual sin are genuine setbacks, but neither should they defeat us.
Dr. Mark Laaser writes, “Slip is an acronym for ‘Short Lapse In Progress.’” Yes, it feels good to say that it’s been 88 days since you’ve seen pornography, but when you slip on Day 89 you are not back at square one. Genuine progress was made. Change happened. Don’t let it defeat you. At the same time, Dr. Laaser says, it remains a short lapse “only if the person learns from it, repents, and grows in understanding as a result” (L.I.F.E. Guide for Men, 45).
6. Stand firm in your new identity
Psychology professor Peter Herman has coined the term “false hope syndrome.” When someone makes a resolution that is completely out of alignment with what they really believe is possible or how they view themselves, this not only leads to failure but a great despondency.
Researchers Anirban Mukhopadhyay and Gita Johar have found that when people believe self-control is something unlimited and dynamic (i.e. “I can stop looking at porn if I put my mind to it”), they are far more likely to stick to their goals. But those who believe self-control is limited (“I can’t help it that I look at porn. I have an addictive personality”) do worse on their resolution goals.
While it is true that the Bible speaks to human limitations because of sin, the Bible also speaks a strong message of God’s power to do the impossible despite our limitations. As Christians we must fight against porn with faith: we must believe we are children of the living God.
Christian counselor Brad Hambrick says that with every struggle in our lives—be it overcoming sinful habits or getting through times of incredible pain—we are always simultaneous sinners, sufferers, and saints.
- Sinner: Sin is part of our very nature.
- Sufferer: Our sinful world has caused us harm.
- Saint: We are children of God.
Yes, as sinners and sufferers, we are limited in our ability to change. But as saints, we are united to a God who knows no limits, and who is not intimidated by our sin or our lack of faith. God’s grace does not just overcome the guilt of sin; it overcomes the grip of sin.
In His grace, God unites us to the Spirit of the risen Christ. His resurrection power now flows in our veins. Knowing this, Paul says: “Consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Romans 6:11). He does not tell us to die to sin (a command), nor does he tell us we are dying to sin (a process), but he says we are dead to sin (a fact). This statement strikes at the heart of who we are. We are no longer defined by our sinful past, our present struggles with sin, our guilt, our shame, or our relationship with this sinful world. We belong to the sinless age to come. This is who we truly are.
If we resolve to stop looking at porn, we must do so by standing firm in our identity as saints. Each time the temptation comes along, we should resist it, saying to ourselves, “This is not who I am. I am dead to sin. I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-control. I am united to a Deliverer who can do far more abundantly than all I can ask or imagine.”
Finally, for those thinking they are sinners and no need to go to church because of habitual sin. Well, I understand how you feel but remember that why you we were yet sinners, Jesus Christ died for us. So, when next we find ourselves constantly sinning, that is the time to draw closer to Jesus Christ. After all, you do not stop going to a clinic because you always injure yourself and you are afraid the doctor will be mad at you because you keep injuring yourself? NO! You keep going to the clinic and follow the doctor’s recommendations so you can eventually become healed and whole.
Guess what Jesus Christ is the Great Physician (Doctor). This is Good News! for all of us :) :)
So, “let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our times of need.” And that includes those us that find ourselves sinning constantly despite the strong desire to not sin. Follow the Great Physician’s recommendations-“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth but you shall meditate on it day and night” and in no time, you will be like Him. And soon, you will go on to set other captives free! Telling them the Good News and how we have been set free ourselves from the same law of sin and death.
God bless.
I just want to say that the church cannot support every noble idea that passes. The church can be likened to a general hospital. Most things can be treated in a general hospital but certain conditions require specialist hospitals-hospitals dedicated for treatment of such cases.
If God has placed it in your heart and the church will not incorporate it into their already full schedule of weekly activities that most people don’t even attend; you can always start a ministry outside the church. Also, you can ask the church to publicize your ministry during announcement on Sunday. BUT let’s be clear on one thing, the fact a church does not support your/my/our noble idea does not make what that church does less important or noble or uncaring.
You continue to run the ministry God has placed in your heart. After all, you are a peculiar people and whatever your hand findeth to do, do it with all your might and strength.
Remember the church is not the building, it is the people. You can borrow the facility to even start your ministry on days that the building is not used for official church programs. God bless!
Mr Gilkerson,
I wish I had your permission to translate this article to my language (Brazilian Portuguese) and republish ot on my personal blog with its due references.
Thank you, my best regards, happy 2016!
Erian, you may do so! However, please include the following text at either the top or the bottom of your post:
This post originally appeared in English on the Covenant Eyes blog and was translated with their permission. This translation has not been reviewed by Covenant Eyes.
My favorite Verse that has helped me through heeps of battle with this very thing:
Ephesians 6:10-18 (KJV)
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
Great passage!
Hi Luke. Thanks for the article. I wish I would have read and known this before, but I thank you for helping me get to this article from the comment I recently made in another one since I can relate to this. I will do my best to apply what I have learned in this article to my life since I have learned from it, and I am sure it will help me in my recovery.
So glad you found it helpful!
How can I get a copy of the article “Why Your Resolution to Quit Porn Will Fail Miserably (and how to succeed instead) I have led sexual addiction groups for close to 14 yrs. and this is a great article I would like to share with my groups. Thanks for all you do.
You can simply copy it straight from the post here and paste it into any word processor. Feel free to print it off and give it to anyone you want!
Hi Luke,
This is something I’ve chosen. Sinner like me no need to attend a church.
I think I am in a cycle of sin . I do sin. I ask God to forgive me. I do sin the same sin again. I ask God to forgive me again…over. over again. Now I am starting to lose hope. This is absurd
Hi Ganba,
I think church is a perfect place for you to go. That’s what the church is: a family of forgiven and struggling sinners. This is the very place you should go to find accountability, mentoring, and counsel. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. God works through others to help you to become holy.
You might enjoy this free e-book. You can download it and read it with a friend. It will help you to break free from porn.
Hi. I am very happy that read this information. I am 25. Truth is I am addicted to pornography. I really want to stop watching pornography so many times. Pornography is killing my life, faith, proud, time and everything. shame on myself.
I know lots of young boys addicted to pornography and sometimes later one by one they left the Church. I am of them also i cant go to the church now because of my sin, my bad. I am blaming to myself.
if anyone there, please pray for me to can stop this addiction.
Hi Ganba,
I’m so sorry to hear about this slavery to sin you’re experiencing. It is an awful experience.
I’m curious: Why can’t you go to church because of your sin? Have you been told by others that you can’t be involved at church, or is this something you’ve chosen?
guilt and shame can, like pain, cause avoidance. Avoiding the gathering of God’s children in His house is counter productive. Separation from Jesus, due to sin, has caused great depression in my life at times. Overwhelmed with grief and sorrow my addiction has kept me out church periodically. One thing that greatly helps is to be in His house even when I feel unworthy. At one point attending other facilities other that my home church helped. That way I could focus on Jesus rather on myself and the judging eyes I thought were on me.
I agree. Being in the house of God is therapeutic.
Luke,
Your blog and Covenant Eyes material and software are very helpful. Thank you for your ministry!
I, too, have previously seen the issue where CE doesn’t block Google images from coming up. You can’t click on the images themselves, but Google provides a fairly large thumbnail and the search terms themselves are allowed. This, however, could be a setting in the software itself, I’m not sure. Even so, I am thankfully able to maintain purity without use of the software itself, even though I think it’s important to keep my subscription active and keep it at home. I quickly realized that CE was a critically important step in my recovery, but I could not be dependent on it. I credit CE for really providing one means of early help as well as shedding “light” on this issue within my marriage.
In gratitude,
Gil
Thanks, Gil. This is something we are looking into, for sure. This is just one more example of how difficult it is to keep up with the ever-changing landscape of the Internet.
I’m glad Covenant Eyes is a help to you!
I ordered the software, but I didn’t find it useful….it was so easy to disable it and watch whatever I wanted…..can anybody help?……I don’t know where to find an accountability partner or where to find a support group for this…..I’ve been going to a love and sex addiction group, but have been unable to go anymore because of work schedule and I think they closed……I’m so ashamed…..I don’t want to be like this anymore…..I feel trapped……can anybody tell me where I can find a support group? and how I can find an accountability partner?
Hi Yoammy,
What do you mean when you say “disable”? Can you tell me more?
I know the feeling of being trapped. It is an awful feeling. In terms of finding a good accountability partner, it begins by finding a good friend who is willing to walk with you in this struggle. Do you go to a church anywhere? Have you considered a 12-step sex addiction network or seeing a good counselor? These accountability resources might be helpful for you. You also might want to watch this video about finding a good accountability partner.
I have found Celebrate Recovery is a great Christ centered 12 step program that deals with many issues including sexual addiction.