If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
I just stumbled across this post and I’m so glad I did as I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been married for almost 10 years to a man that has struggled, basically our whole marriage, with pornography. Before we married, he told me he had a problem with lust, but through God’s help, he overcame it. I know of one time when we were engaged that he slipped up. Fast forward to now and the track record consists of him looking at porn, me accidentally discovering it, confronting him and him promising never to do it again. I often ask him how he is going with it all, he tells me he is fine, there are no problems there and then I find out he has lied (again. Looked me in the eye and lied). Almost two years ago I discovered he was looking while at work at night (he sent me a text to tell me he loved me and missed me, then looked at porn) and when I confronted him he lied and said he accidentally pressed something. When I searched further I found he had been looking often as well as looking up prostitution websites, advice about having an affair with a workmates (he confessed he had even thought of who he would have the affair with), what its like to have sex/an affair with an older woman, etc. Our marriage almost fell apart over this, but we worked hard to pull together and I ended up falling pregnant with our 5th child. Throughout my pregnancy I would ask him how he is going, check our search history, etc, but he appeared to be going fine! 2 weeks after I gave birth, I stumbled across the search history in his Facebook page. Once again he lied once I confronted him. I pushed a bit more and found out he had still been looking a porn, throughout my pregnancy and after I gave birth. It’s now about 8 months after my last discovery, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have zero trust toward him (he looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face and I believed him), we had been seeing an amazing counsellor who specialises in sexual addiction and diagnosed me with ptsd, but hubby says we can’t afford her anymore, so we haven’t had counselling for about 3 months. He doesn’t quite see what he has done as cheating (but I do, especially when there were many times he couldn’t have sex with me as he had just been looking at pics), and he often says things like “this is something every guy has a problem with”. I feel so unlovely and unwanted, especially after having 5 kids and because I am the one whines always initiating sex. I adore my husband and really enjoy having sex with him, but after fighting so much for our marriage, (and fighting hard for us to even be married!), I am tired and don’t feel I have much fight left in me…
I am just so, so sorry for the sad situation in your marriage. It’s heart breaking.
I think you’re finding that you can’t save your marriage alone.
Your husband has to be fighting for it, too. He has to do the work of fighting for his own heart, his own choices, his own behavior. The good news is: that absolutely can happen! It happened for us! The scary thing is, he has to get in the game and DO the work himself.
If you can’t afford counseling any more, I would suggest that you look for support for YOU through a free group like Celebrate Recovery or S-anon (for spouses of sex addicts). There are also affordable options online at xxxChurch.
You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experiences with their husbands in recovery.
My best advice to you is to work hard on your own recovery, your own support, your own sanity, just as hard as you wish your husband would work on his. Whatever he chooses, and I hope that he chooses well!!, YOU can choose health and wholeness for yourself. Blessings, Kay
Hi Kay, thanks for replying. That is exactly how I feel, I just haven’t been able to put it into words. I want to know that our marriage is worth the effort and fight from him. And I need to know that I am too. I’m not located in America, so do you know of any online support groups that I could link with. We moved here no long ago, so I don’t have any close friends that I can talk with, but I know that talking through my emotions, problems, etc, would definitely help. I know that thinking through and over analysing every little thing in my head is not good and I don’t want to obsess over catching him out again.
One thing I would like some clarity on, if you could provide it for me please, is on initiating sex. I recently read that if a husband, who may have had a porn addiction but is seemingly getting help, is not initiating sex, then he is more than likely still looking at porn. How much truth is there to this statement? I’m curious as I am usually the one that initiates (and often gets turned down) this was his behaviour when porn was involved. I have tried to talk with him about this but it will either end in an argument, or he’ll just say “it’s nothing, I’m just tired”, etc. I don’t want to make something out of nothing, so should I be concerned… (I hope that all made sense?!)
Hey. That’s what I’m here for :) Yes, both things are true: Your marriage is worth fighting for, AND you are worth fighting for. Mostly you just have control over your own self, tho. That’s the thing that’s tough to work through. xxxChurch has online support groups. You could also try contacting The Oaks Counseling, which is a group out of Austin, TX that offers online counseling services to folks abroad. I haven’t used them myself, but I have friends I trust who say they do a good job.
As for initiating sex? When I hear what you’ve said about it and your attempts to converse–that doesn’t sound great to me, the arguing and excuses. I’d like to see you moving toward an ability to just have a conversation about any/all of the issues surrounding his recovery. I would say, try to have a conversation about it more from the angle of “I just want to understand what’s happening”–try it that way when it’s not in the moment. And seriously, just try to listen and understand his perspective.
I’ve read stuff that says 5 years is a good benchmark for recovery. During that time, you’ll have relapses but you want to see a growing ability on his part to take responsibility for himself, alongside that capacity to turn toward you emotionally. But porn does impact the brain in lots of ways, and at least for my husband it took a long time before he could look back and say, “Wow, my thinking was really crazy.” We just talked this morning about something he said to me in the midst of porn-brain, in fact. He doesn’t remember the specifics like I do, but when I told him what he’d said, he said, “Well, that sounds like what I would have said at the time.” At the time, all I could do was say, “You are out of control right now. Stop. Go to counseling and work this out. This is not my problem. It’s you.” Even though he didn’t really believe he was thinking crazy at the time, I’m so grateful he had enough desire for the relationship that he would keep working. Does that make sense at all?
Thank you for your response, Kay. There days after writing this, I figured everything out. He’s been having an affair for the last year. I didn’t reach out soon enough. Pray for me and my kids… and him.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. I hope you’re finding the support you need through this tough time! Please let me know if you’re stumped for resources, and we’ll see what else might be useful to you. Praying right now for courage, comfort, peace, safety, healing, and hope. For all of you. Blessings to you today.
First off, thank you for this article. Thank you for your willingness to give Godly advice. I need some myself!
My husband had a porn problem for the first 10 years of our marriage. Those 10 years consisted of him being caught every year or few years, him saying he’s done…ect. It went round and round. That cycle seemed to have ended about four years ago…. when his relationship with Jesus changed after one of those fights. He finally started to do what it takes to rebuild trust. He wanted me to look at his computer and be accountable to me. I would ask him every month, or every couple of months how he was doing with this struggle… and it’s always been good. He’s never gone into detail, and I never ask for details. Over the past four or so years, I still look at his devices (mainly his smartphone)… but less and less often. I used to ask his permission to do this in the beginning, but for the last couple of years, I have done it without his permission…as he would seem bothered, but never said so. In 2014, I checked the history on his phone 3 times. He was aware of these times I checked after, because he would ask, and I would tell him I did. Although there have been questionable gaps in the history on his phone, and he keeps all his text messages deleted… I have respectfully asked him why, and trusted his responses.
He sat me down a month ago and told me I am never allowed to touch his phone again, and that he’s felt like he’s a child. That he shouldn’t have to be accountable to me since it’s been so long since I’ve found anything. He told me that one of the times I had his phone (he had deleted an important video that he had recorded on his phone so I was trying to recover it with some software…I wasn’t even trying to look for stuff that he had done, I just wanted that video! And I couldn’t figure out how to use the software by the way…), he told me he was so angry that day that he almost left the house… I was TOTALLY unaware of any of that at the time.
So while I’m still trying to trust him right now and respect his wishes… all that doubt is creeping back in.
He told me he’s been venting and getting martial advice from men (not Christians) at work. He needs some strong men of faith, but hasn’t done what’s needed to be done to find those men. His relationship with Jesus has fallen at the wayside. I’m praying for him, hard…and am trying to deal with my emotions behind his back, since he was not open to my feelings after we taliked last month. He wants to be respected, and I’m trying my hardest to make him feel like the man I see him as…I’m his NUMBER ONE FAN!!! Our marriage has been INCREDIBLE the last few years…in my eyes. So….I’m struggling right now.
Hey Amanda. I think you’re right to be concerned about his level of anger and his lack of openness to your emotions. I think the gaps in his phone history and deletion of text history is a cause for concern. My own feeling is that you should be able to have all the access and assurance that you want or need. After all, this is your marriage, the two of you together. I would try to have a conversation about being on the same team; you need to understand and be reassured about what’s going on; you’re not trying to be his mother, but his partner, that sort of thing. See if he’s able to respond positively to that. You might look for a group that BOTH of you could attend–say, Celebrate Recovery? Those are in lots and lots of churches around the country.
Another resource I like a whole lot is Dr. John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s all research-based, and very practical about how to strengthen your marriage in general ways, not just about avoiding porn. Again, it’s more of a “we’re on the same team” approach.
And, if you’re needing more support than he’s able to give you right now, you might want to think about going to counseling yourself as you walk through this. I like the American Association of Christian Counselors directory. Lots of different kinds of Christian counselors in lots of places. Let me know what you think–Kay
There is a lot of helpful stuff here. Thank you. Yeah I know I can’t just force him to want it. I almost wish I could tho.
I like your article. You make a lot of good point and bring up stuff I haven’t considered.
Yes, the possibility is there, we’re just not there yet.
It’s the worst, not being able to MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE!! When clearly it’s for their own good!! :) Walk on, sister, and let us know how we can help. Blessings, Kay
I need some advice. Big time. Here’s the situation:
After finding out we both have feeling for each other, my best friend admitted to me that he was addicted to porn. He has been struggling with this for four years now, im the first person he has told this. I had agreed to hold him accountability partner.Since we both are Chistians, We stared a bible study.. We’ve always had a God centered and honroing friendship. We go back for years but have only become closer than ever this past year. He says he really wants to get over this addiction and feels that before we become anything more than just good friends he had to admit it to me. I’m honored and thankful that he would own up to the problem and admit it to me but I’m. Not sure if I can really help him. In the past two weeks since it’s all come out, I’ve been brain storming ways to help him.
He has slipped eight times and I know I’m not, but I feel like I’m personally responsible for this. I can’t begin to imagine how this feels for him.
I gave him a rubber band and told him when he feels urgured to do so snap himself with it and just play with the rubber band and also a bunch of scripture to memorize but it’s not enough. Since I’m the only one he has ever told I am kinda at a lost because not only do I not understand the struggle because I’m a girl and I just dont get it but I have no one I can ask abut it because it isn’t my secret to go blabbing about.
Hey, I’m glad you wrote. Here’s the bottom line. He’s going to have to take responsibility for himself. Internet accountability, educating himself, and getting some help through a group or a personal therapist. Here’s an article for him, some ideas to get started with. There are also tons of free resources here on the website.
This can’t be your job! I know you know that. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries with porn when you’re dating. I know you aren’t really dating YET–but there’s the possibility, right? So check these ideas and let me know what you think.
HE HAS TO DO THE WORK. That’s really the takeaway here. HE has to do it.
I’ve been reading all these posts and, well, I don’t know what to say. My husband is not a Christian. And in the last 3 years of our 7 year marriage, he has been more and more distant. I caught him looking at porn once. He said he never does it. I saw major internet history a few months later and he said the guys he works with were using his laptop. Then he got arrested for solicitation. Stupid me, forgave him. I felt like God wanted me to. I felt like he was giving me an opportunity to show him God’s love. We went to a Christian counselor for 8 months. He participated, but you have to drag things, feelings out of him b/c he just isn’t a talker. We have not had sex in over a year and the year before that we only had sex maybe 5 times and it only happened because our counselor gave it to us as homework. I asked him several times over the last few months if he had looked at porn again at all, and he said no. But Sunday night I found some history on his iPad. I told him and didn’t give him a chance to blame someone else or make some excuse. I told him I deserved better. He works too much, doesn’t share any feelings with me, doesn’t touch me except for a kiss hello and goodbye. I am so lonely and sad and depressed. When I found the history Sunday, I felt my heart racing, but I felt numb. AND STUPID. And I’m 99.9% sure I will tell him I want a divorce. I have no hope left. I can’t believe I’m married to someone who looks at porn, doesn’t touch me AT ALL, doesn’t open up to me. If I’m going to feel so alone, then I want to be alone. He won’t change. He’ll say he will. But like another poster said, he’s never done anything to make any changes. And after reading some things on Porn the last 2 days, I know why he’s withdrawn, why we don’t have sex, etc. I’m disgusted and have zero hope. I’m glad others are working things out. But I’m done.
Hey D. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
It’s really sad, but it sounds like your husband has a habit of turning away from you and toward his addiction.
Recovery is a long, hard road even under the best of circumstances, and it requires real work on the part of the addict.
I’d say the best of circumstances would be the addict taking responsibility for himself, doing the practical things to cut off porn (internet filtering), getting into accountability relationships, going to a recovery group (like Pure Desire or Sex Addicts Anonymous), and continually working the program they need to work.
The best of circumstances always, always includes good boundaries for yourself. Recognizing the reality of the situation and considering what’s healthy for yourself in it. Our free download, Hope After Porn, talks more about what boundaries look like in real life. And of course, Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the real book on boundaries, and they’ve got one called Boundaries in Marriage that might be a good help as you decide what to do next.
Whatever your husband chooses, I hope you’ll find some local support for yourself. Pure Desire has groups for spouses in some locations. xxxChurch has online support groups for spouses. Celebrate Recovery isn’t porn-specific, but it’s good support for all the bumps and bruises of life, and it’s in lots and lots of places. The American Association of Christian Counselors has a network of counselors all over the country, so that’s a good place to check for a therapist if you’d like one.
Blessings and prayers, Kay
I’m having such a hard time right now, and taking the advice in this article seems almost impossible. When my husband and I first started dating, he confided in me about his problem with pornography, assuring me that it was something he was trying to recover from. He slipped and watched pornography once or twice while we were dating and confessed to me, and we worked through these betrayals stronger than we were before (or at least I thought so). We had been married for about six months when I first found porn on his phone. He downplayed it and told me it was a one time thing. Since then, it has been a two year cycle of betrayal, lies, and eventual confession and promises to change, only to fall back into infidelity again. Two days ago, after feeling for weeks that something was going on, I decided to check up on my husband’s online activity. I discovered a porn blog that he had started over a year before, in which he stated that he loved watching porn and had no intention of stopping. I was so shocked. He had posted nearly every week for a year and a half. We had been to counseling a few months before and he had told me that there were periods of months where he wasn’t looking at pornography. Now I know that was a lie. At first, when I confronted him, he was defensive, telling me that we should just get a divorce because, after trying for five years, he was convinced he couldn’t change. Now he is being super affectionate, telling me he loves me, touching me as much as he can, and he tells me that he feels a passion to fix our marriage that he hasn’t felt in a long time. I want desperately to believe him, but after nearly three years of this dysfunctional cycle, my heart is so broken. I just don’t understand why this keeps happening. I’ve tried to be very understanding. Having a recovering alcoholic for a father, I know something about how addiction works. I don’t expect for my husband to be perfect, and I know how easy it is to slip back into watching pornography; I just want him to be honest with me. It’s so hard for me to believe that my husband is sincere this time. I’ve been fighting this fight on my own for so long, that I don’t know how to even begin to trust him again. I know my husband is a good man. He is a loving father to our son. He is a retired veteran, and he suffers from PTSD, which complicates our situation even further, as he often has trouble expressing emotions other than anger. I want so much to find healing in our marriage, but I just don’t know how. I feel like I have to guard my heart constantly. Intellectually, I know that his addiction is not about me, but emotionally, it’s harder to distance myself from the problem. Right now, everything is just too raw. I feel so depressed, and I feel like I’m failing him, because he seems so eager to fix things, and I just can’t keep up with him right now. It scares me, because I think he is expecting a quick fix to our problem, and I don’t see that happening. I know that recovering will take a lot of hard work, and I’m worried that he will burn out and give up on me. We’ve decided to go back to couple’s counseling, with my husband promising to be honest this time, and my husband will be seeing his therapist more regularly. I’ve also decided to seek counseling on my own, but I am nervous because of issues in my past that I really don’t want to revisit. I’m trying to be optimistic, but I just can’t open myself up completely right now, because I’m so terrified of having my heart stomped on again. Just being able to type this out is a huge help, as I haven’t felt comfortable talking to anyone close to me. I want to save our marriage, and I don’t want my family or friends to look at my husband as a bad person, because I know he’s not, even though his behavior has hurt me in ways I never believed possible. I’m so hurt and angry, and I’m also very confused, because, despite everything, I still love my husband. I know that only time will tell whether we can work things out, but for now, I’m just praying for peace for both of us.
Hey Holly. Well, honestly, I’m encouraged because I think you guys are already making healthy changes in going to therapy individually and together. That is EXCELLENT. Of course the work is just beginning–but at least it’s beginning! I’m also encouraged that your husband is attentive to you. We don’t always hear that!
I know you’re hurting, and I think it’s going to be HUGE for you to let yourself feel as bad as you feel. I think going to therapy and pouring all that out with your counselor will be so good. I know it’s scary to think about dumping all that on your husband, when it seems like he’s got all he can handle as it is. I think at some point you’ll need to let him in on that hurt, though. Let him help carry this.
I know it’s scary to revisit old wounds, to put yourself out there for pain all over again–but it sounds like you’ve got a good support system in place to allow that to happen.
There are no guarantees in any of this, which I just hate. But I think you’re heading in the right direction.
It’s okay to be hurt and angry and confused. That’s all normal. And you still love him and want to save your marriage. That makes perfect sense to me, too.
Blessings prayers and peace to you–and let us know if you need further resources. Kay
Smut. Even after I delivered he was still sending messages to random girls telling them he was going to divorce me and leave and take away my daughter. I forgave him he said he’d stop but it didn’t and neither did his porn addiction. He wouldn’t stop until 2 months ago I finally caught him . I yelled and confronted him. I wanted to leave him. He took away everything I believed in. My marriage seems nothing like a joke. We were married in front of god and every vow and promise he said seemed like a lie to me.I hate him with every fiber of my being for what he has done to my self esteem, innocence, and trust.I don’t see him as my husband he is nothing but a stranger to me now. He gets upset because I throw his past at his face of everything he has done to destroy our marriage stability and most important trust. I can’t trust him and I don’t think I ever will again. He took advantage of my good being and generosity. I cant go to a store without being worried or feeling hes watching porn. What can I do to forgive?
Oh, ooops! I replied before reading this extra comment. Forgiveness. Well, it sounds like you’re really angry, which is normal and I would say a HEALTHY response to the threat of your marriage being destroyed. The way you handle your anger, you’ll have to judge. I think we can be angry without sinning, but it’s hard! Those feelings of anxiety when you’re separated are also very normal. Hopefully, if he’s really being trustworthy, you’ll be able to take that into account over time and some of these really raw feelings will settle a bit.
Forgiveness, in my opinion, is completely separate from trust. I think we can do what the Bible says about forgiveness (God has forgiven us so much, so we forgive each other) and still not be able to trust the person, because they’re still not trustworthy. I think we can forgive, and still have hurt feelings and anger and anxiety that take time to heal. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean that we turn off our brains and have no boundaries.
All that to say, I think trust can be pretty straightforward on the behavioral level: trustworthy people behave in trustworthy ways over time, and then we trust them.
Forgiveness, however, involves our feelings and our belief system, and is much more complicated.
And while you’re learning whether or not he is trustworthy, and while you’re processing your feelings and becoming able to forgive, you’ve got to keep your brain in gear and your boundaries in order. It’s a tough deal!
I hope you’ve got some good support in place while you go through this. I like to recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to look for a therapist, because they’ve got lots of counselors in lots of places around the country.
I know exactly how this ruins a marriage. My husband and I have been having marital issues due to his addiction. He came back from deployment and still treated me like dirt while preg go with our daughter. 2 weeks before I delivered I caught him on Internet dating sites and all other kinds of smutsmutsmut I
Cindy, I am so sorry. I know the title here is “rebuilding trust”–but it’s ONLY wise to trust when other people are trustworthy! If your husband is looking at dating sites and pornography, then he’s not being trustworthy. He absolutely can become trustworthy again, but he’ll have a lot of work to do! Meanwhile, you have to decide what kind of boundaries make sense in your particular situation. Have you read our free download, Hope After Porn? I think it might help give you some ideas of how other women have handled their own boundaries in similar situations. Let me know if that’s a helpful resource, and if you have other questions. Blessings, Kay
Hello. I am writing this with such a broken heart. I married my high school sweetheart in December 2013. We got married on our 5 year anniversary. We were friends for a year or two before we started dating, and I had asked him in the past if he ever looked at porn. He told me that he had been tempted when he was younger with girls in magazines, comics, and even in some video games growing up but that it had never been something that he believed was right. He told me he never had gone to a porn website and that he never would. We are both Christians by the way. Fast forward to this past April, we had barely been married 4 short months when I walked in on him in the bathroom looking at a porn website. He had scrolled past several videos and was on page 4 when I grabbed the phone from him. He said he hadn’t clicked on anything yet and that he ended up there because he saw an article about porn stars on Reddit and got curious. I immediately felt like I had been hit by a train because this is the ABSOLUTE last thing I would have expected from my husband. He was my best friend and to me, he was a man with such integrity and honesty that I was in complete shock with what I walked in on especially since he knew exactly how I felt about this topic. He immediately told me that this is the first time he had ever been on one of those sites and that it was a moment of weakness. He told me he had always scrolled past articles like that and always ignored them but that this one night, curiosity took the best of him. I was devastated and he had truly convinced me that it was a one time thing, even though I had a gut feeling some thing was really wrong. I had cried hard for several days and he saw me completely broken. He would tell me how sorry he was and how he couldn’t believe he let this happen. He told me he understood how badly he hurt me and that he never would hurt me like that again. It was tough, but I chose to believe him, especially because he would say “look honey, I’ll leave my phone with you while I use the restroom, I want you to be at peace and know that I will never do this to you again”. Then, one morning in mid June 2014, I grabbed his phone to make a call since mine was on the charger in the other room. I unlocked it and the app for the site “Reddit” was opened (which he had told me that he wouldn’t use anymore because there are too many inappropriate things on there) and I noticed that there was a saved folder in his account. I got curious and decided to check that folder because I thought it was strange that it had been pulled up. I clicked on it and found a link to a thread called “What are some porn videos you can watch over and over again and never get tired of?”. He had saved this on his phone. I immediately woke him up and confronted him about it and he was in complete shock saying that he didn’t even know he could save things on there and that he had never seen that link and that it must have happened on accident. I was crying hysterically again and saying I didn’t believe him and he looked me right in the eye and told me that he wasn’t lying. He told me that he was so sorry that I had found that but that it wasn’t true and it really happened on accident. He convinced me of that again and the fact that he had never even seen that link before. By this point, I really believed what he said, but all the emotions from the time I walked in on him were rushing back. I had trusted this man with everything in me since I was in high school and I had to believe he wouldn’t have done this and hurt me again when he saw and knew how I felt about porn. About two weeks ago, I was feeling really down and having a hard time trusting my husband. I decided to look up advice and I found this wonderful article. I felt it explained everything so clearly for him about what I’m going through and what I expected/needed from him. So, I showed him this site and he read it and prayed with me and told me he truly understood and he once again said how sorry he was and would never slip again. Now fast forward till last Tuesday, September 9. Once again, my phone was in the other room and my husbands phone was right by the bed. He was asleep when I reached over and decided to scroll through Instagram for a little before waking him up and starting off our day. I opened Instagram and the first thing that popped up was the search bar for certain hashtags that had been entered. Not to be crude but I saw “#largebreats #hotgirls #seethru #tittietuesday” along with about 5 other hashtags. I immediately woke my husband up and questioned him on this and his reaction was to immediately start spewing out some sort of excuses. I felt this extreme anger come over me and I yelled at him to stop with the lies and that it was time to tell me the truth. After a long fight for it, he told me that he had in fact watched porn since he was 12 and all the way through when we were dating, our engagement, and up until now that we are married (we are both 21). He had lied straight to my face for years. I had asked him several times in the past if there was something he was keeping from me. He would say absolutely not. I would pray with him and show him articles like this one and he would say how sad it was that people went through this and that he could never do that to me. It was ALL a lie. I feel as if the man I married is dead. I feel as if he never existed, actually, and that I have been deceived into a marriage with a stranger. I don’t understand how God could have let this happen. How could I never have known? How could I believe all of his lies? How could he have lied to me SO much? He saw me cry as if my family had been murdered. He knew how I felt and how broken I was, and it never stopped him. He read this article and just a couple days later, got on Instagram and looked at those pictures of other women (he says he’s been using Instagram instead of porn websites for a couple months now because that was his compromise for not watching videos). All along I thought I was the only one he had loved and had seen completely naked. I was the only one he had ever laid eyes on. And now I’m one in a billion. How could this happen? I’m in complete shock how he was capable of doing this to me and hurting me so much. We have a great sex life by the way, I have never felt rejected and I have never rejected him in this way. I just don’t understand why he would want/need porn if I feel as if he have good sex often. Also, Apparently that link on Reddit about porn videos that you can never get tired of watching was one that he had looked at a few times before but had honestly never meant to save it, so instead he lied to me and said he had never seen it before. I’m devastated. Last Tuesday after he told me all of this for the first time,
I quickly ran to my in laws and had to talk to them (I had never told anyone about the time in April or in June and at this point I could not keep it in and deal with it alone anymore) and they were also in completely shock. Everyone knows my husband as a God fearing, honest, and faithful man. They said this had hit them like a brick walk and never would have believed that to be true. The four of us have spoken and my husband no longer is using an iPhone, but is now using a phone that can only talk/text. I cannot trust a word he says to me. He made vows to me, we wrote our own, not even ONE year ago, about how he would always be faithful to me. And all along he has never been faithful to me. We are going to speak with our pastor this Sunday, but I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this. I’m so in love with my husband and I want to do everything I can, but I don’t know how to whenever I don’t even really know him. I also forgot to mention the fact that I told him two weeks ago, the same night after he read this article for the first time, that I had a gut feeling he was hiding something. I also told him about these nightmares I kept having about walking into a room with him in the middle of it, with porn magazines, movies, pictures, just covering every wall. And he was standing in the middle just looking at it all. And I also told him to remember that God says in the Bible that the things you think you’re doing in darkness, will soon come to light. After I told him those things and after he read this article, he told me that he knew how wrong porn is and that it truly was a one time thing back in April. He told me that I was driving myself insane with all of these thoughts and that he really had come clean about everything and that he wasn’t hiding anything! I now realize that God was speaking to me and using me to try to convict him into telling me the truth about this sin and repent to God about it. But it didn’t work. He quickly, within the next day or two, got right back on Instagram and searched through all of these amazingly beautiful women that I can never even compete with. Not to mention, he was on his lunch break at work and was texting me about how much he wanted me to trust him again, as he was going back to the Instagram app and looking through inappropriate pictures.
I’m so sorry for this extremely out of control long post, but I just had to vent and put it all out there and show you how much guidance I need right now. My husband has now explained to me that this is a super in the dark sin that he never even admitted to himself and that before he could even feel guilty, he would masturbate and watch the videos, and quickly delete everything afterwards and go on with his day as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. He has told me that he is fully embracing this sin and putting it in God’s hands because he can’t live on lying anymore. Now that he has a clear conscious and that he has let go of everything, that he can heal and he never wants to go down that path ever again. I’m really hoping this is truth and that he will not relapse into this addiction in a few years while I have just birthed our first child or something. I’m terrified of being crushed again. I feel as if I can’t breathe and I’m supposed to keep living my life and going to my classes and doing all of this work and not focus on the fact that my life has been completely shattered. I need guidance. I am constantly praying, alone and with my husband as well. But I feel as if I can’t live on. Please. Help.
Hi Susan. Wow. I am so sorry for all the pain you’re in right now. I know that feeling of having your life shattered. I want you to know that healing is absolutely possible. My own experience is that God redeems and brings us through things that are just impossible to us. I know you can’t feel that right now, but I want you to know it’s out there! Hang on and heal.
It’s a good thing that you know the truth, no matter how painful it is. Your husband has been trapped in this, alone, for many years, and he needs help. When I think of all the little kids who’ve gotten sucked into this over the years, it just breaks my heart. This is his opportunity to start healing. I’m so glad you were able to speak with your in-laws, and I think it’s great that you’re going to talk to your pastor. The more support he has on this journey, the better. He probably needs to get himself into a group like Sex Addicts Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery or Pure Desire, or one of the online groups at XXXChurch. Personal counseling could be a great thing, too. He can check with the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area, and do some phone interviewing to find someone who’s a good fit. Here’s an article with more ideas for him. The more responsibility he takes for himself, the better. Give him some ideas, and then let him track down the help he needs. He’s going to need help getting out, but you don’t need to be the person who does all the helping. Let him find some good resources, and make use of them.
When porn has been a part of his life for so long, I would expect him to continue to struggle for a while. He CAN get well, no doubt about it. It’s just going to take hard work on his part, and having good support makes a huge difference.
As for you, you’ll need time and support to heal, too. I don’t think there’s one right way for every person to handle this. It’s such an individual thing, knowing your own relationship and your own heart and making decisions for yourself. We talk a lot about having good boundaries here on the blog. And one of our most popular free downloads, Hope After Porn, is the stories of four different women and the choices they made in recovery.
Also, I’ve written a bunch about my own journey on my blog. Here’s a post from a couple of years ago with some ideas that might help. I also just released a memoir a few weeks ago that’s available at Amazon.
There are lots of resources here on the blog and in so many other places, but mostly today I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and this is not a death sentence. You’re walking with a sisterhood in this.
Lots of wives in cases like this actually meet the clinical criteria for PTSD. And so I’d say, while your husband is finding help, you could also find yourself a counselor, someone who can listen to you and help you process your emotions in a place where you are just being cared for.
Praying for you–Kay