If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
I am so thankful for my husband (the previous poster). After a few days of being emotional separated from my husband, God worked in our lives. He showed my husband the evil of porn in a marriage, and He showed me how to forgive with my whole heart. We never could have done it without Him. Not completely and wholeheartedly. I’m so glad my husband is once again my best friend, and we can once again tell each other everything. I want us to love each other without fail, to use this experience to strengthen our marriage. I have realized how much I love my husband, how much I want to impress him, and how “jealous” I am for him! With God, we can make our marriage stronger, make each other stronger, and give our children an example of a Godly marriage. I want to thank God and my husband for his repentive heart. I’m grateful God enabled me to completely forgive. I do trust my husband again. I’m not saying that Satan doesn’t try use his whispers to play on my insecurities. He does, but between my husband affections and God’s presence, Satan is made quiet. I look forward to making our marriage stronger. It is a great relief to know that when we do have problems, we can always to turn to God and each other to work through them. Thank you, God, for my husband!
Thanks, Brittany. Your comment is a breath of fresh air.
Getting caught by my wife just the other day has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me! I am a follower of Christ and I love him deeply, but sometimes just like any other person I take my eyes off him. I love my wife with all my heart and outside of Christ, her and my son are the most important things in my life. We have a wonderful sex life in my eyes and she is the only one I desire. As a Christian man I make sure to stay uber-conscious of my in counters with women in my everyday life. I used porn in times when my wife may be out of business once a month or when she was pregnant with out son. I never thought twice about the effect it would have on her and the pain it would cause. It was just a tool used for release…a quick fix until my wife was open for business again. I never once thought about her and how she would feel. She is pregnant with our second child now and had a small infection so we could not be intimate for a while. So what do I do, I sin. Well scripture tells us “what we do in the dark shall be brought to the light” and it was. she caught me red handed. I feel like the worst person, like Paul….the chief of all sinners. God told me to be honest….so I was. I have always made it a point to be honest with my wife. I tell her everything. She knows about my sinful past. she has heard my testimony in front of God and the church, but I have hurt her with my rationalizing of my sin and not calling it what it is, I use words like “a tool” but it is straight from satan and it is sin. With God’s strength in me I have let go of most sin in my life and trough my wife catching me just in a short time of God breaking my heart and showing me 1. How much I really love my wife and I don’t want to ever hurt her and lose her trust 2. I have repented from this and will completely turn away as scripture tells me to. God has opened my eyes as he does when we sin, I just hope and pray my wife forgives me and trust me again. I love her so much. we have a great relationship, we have a great sex life, we have a wonderful son. We have always put God first in our marriage. I now know what this crap(porn) can do. Being caught has strengthened my pray life and like I said before has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has truly opened my eyes.
My husband and I have been married for 9.5 years and ever since the Valentine’s Day (11 days before we got married), he introduced porn to our lives. It has been such a constant issue for the duration of our marriage that I feel no hope. Between him lying to me and hiding things from me, I am more insecure about myself and our marriage now than I have ever been. I recently left due to the high stress of dealing with it. I did come back to try one last time on our marriage but the thoughts are still there. I pray WITH him daily and it still isn’t getting better. He has now started to just “forget” or tell me “he didn’t think to tell me” when he leaves the office or that he is stopping off somewhere on his way home. I feel helpless. I am so in-love with him but I feel no hope that our marital problems will ever get better. This is the only life I have known for almost 11 years now, how can I be single or alone now?! He is a very hard man to get to open up or to be honest with me. Our intimate time now feels pressured on his behalf; he acts as though because I complain about not getting it, he has to entertain me and do it anyway. I want him to want me, desire me again, be sensitive to kissing and touching again. It feels like it takes everything I have to turn him on. I’m just at a loss.
So sorry to hear about what your husband is doing to you, Felicia. It is sad what some men will do to their wives—deplorable.
Let’s talk about next steps. You’ve made it clear you can’t be around him when he’s using porn. Now it is time to tell him specifically what you need him to do that will help to rebuild your trust (other than just not looking at porn). Tell him you want him to find good accountability with another man, or that you want him to get counseling, or that you want him to install Covenant Eyes on all his devices so his Internet is monitored. If he is unwilling to do basic steps that show he wants to change, then its time to put up some very clear boundaries with him. I recommend you watch this video with Vicki Tiede about that, and then reach out to her if you feel like you need added support.
In the end, it is important you take care of your own heart in the midst of this. Your husband has put you through 11 years of trauma, and that isn’t a light matter. Consider watching these free videos by Brad Hambrick. They are excellent.
no I highly doubt it. not at this point at least. I have a long way of rebuilding her trust ahead of me and I accept that fact and take full responsibility for the damage done to it. last April I got my laptop that had been broken for about a year fixed installed a lock on it so it couldn’t get on the internet at all I downloaded e sword, a free bible study tool and used it strictly for that, she didn’t trust that for even a few days which resulted in her leaving me. for 1 week she left and not a word was spoken. the first day she left, I put a restore disc in my laptop which got rid of everything including the lock and that evening indulged in sin. afterwards I had a church member put that lock back on, about 5 days later I resotred it agn and fell to temptation. but afterwards filled with shame and regret it lead me to googling, “porn ruined my life”. for the next few hours I watched videos of all different guys from average joes to pastors who share in my struggles, I took a shower, where I cried out to God, completely broken and naked just poured out my need for His help. Went to bed and felt Satan slipping in agn with temptations, this time instead of being filled with lust it was rage. took my laptop in my garage and took it to pieces with a rather large wrench. that was the last day I sought out and looked at pornography, since then I have struggled, for instance if I have to travel to a customer location and say they have a swim suit calendar hanging in their office and I have to enter it to get my paperwork signed, there has been occasions where I felt tempted and gave in and looked, unable to sit there and stare because I could feel the conviction of the HS like a fire in my bones. filled with condemnation id tell my wife of my failure, and she sees those stumbles as proof that I cant handle temptation and come out victorious, no matter how many other times I tell her that hey I gotta go in the office agn today and walk out tempted but not falling to it. so as far as her feeling comfortable with me getting on a computer im convinced that she wouldn’t at all, not just because of the temptation to look at porn, but also cause of now a days there is dirty images every where, you cant log on to an email address on yahoo without random Victoria secret ads popping up or similar stuff. it could be the most innocent thing these days but satan has laid his traps everywhere. In her eyes I guess its remove the object and the desire will soon follow, but I believe the desire goes then the objects that you cant really remove completely will no longer entice you like it used to. lol sorry for all that I know its drug out but I want you to see both her side and mine that way ur advice isn’t one sided.
Sure. I think it would be great if you could get access to helpful materials that aren’t Internet-based. Perhaps the best thing would be to purchase helpful books and videos that will aid you in your journey…and of course, making sure you are surrounded by helpful friends, accountability partners, and mentors. If the Internet is going to be contentious point, then forget about it.
I know I’ve only heard from your side of things, but it sounds like you still need to put up some helpful conversation boundaries with your wife (much like the conversation I modeled in an earlier comment). It may not help her initially, but it will help you.
wont really pay since the only computer I use is at work on my lunch break as a source to get in the word and help with advice with my recovery
So, would she be open to you having a computer outside the office if you had Covenant Eyes installed on it?
I don’t believe its so much as guilting me for trying to find help, but more of the fact that she doesn’t feel she can trust me to be on a computer without here standing over my shoulder. I an understand where shes coming from sort of and am being patient with her but the internet can be a great tool for encouragement and advice if used properly.
Have you already signed up for Internet Accountability? You may want to make your wife an Accountability Partner (in addition to a mentor from your church), so she can see herself that you’re not watching porn. You may even want to be proactive in telling her about ads, just so there are no surprises on the Report. Maybe this feels like a step back, since you’re enabling her trust issues, but hopefully over time she’ll see you’re trustworthy.
(Luke’s out this week, which is why he’s not responding, for the record.)
and as far as her reading some of the articles she flip just knowing I was online looking for help at all
So she doesn’t want you to sin and she doesn’t want you to get help for sin? Does she know that is weird? Sorry to be blunt. I know her hurt is real, just as yours is about her adultery, so I’m not trying to belittle that. But her guilting you for finding help is a perfect example of how the trauma of porn causes insanity.
we did go to 2 different forms of counsoling the first was with our pastor the second was a retired minister and his wife. both thought that my wife was being unrealistic with the amount of openness she has demanded and when they confronted her with that she kept her mouth shut but once we were alone she let me know that its not how she wants it and that she should be allowed to set the level of honesty in her marriage not someone on the outside, ive expressed that I think its does us more harm than good but she disagrees and holds he position on it.
it just hurts that anytime I struggle with my sin, we have this huge fight she says that things will never change ill never change and that she just wants a divorce.
truth is a lot has changed, ive gone from a guy who didn’t go a single day with out looking at porn and I couldn’t enjoy intimacy with my wife unless I was thinking about the trash I viewed on the internet to being complete in love with my woman and want not to hurt her with my sin and have been sober from pornography for over a year. and am developing a thriving relationship with my Father. I just wish she could see how far I have come and that im not settling for where I am but I am where I am. I understand scantification is a process not a switch I just wish she could understand that
I’m only judging by the comments you’ve left, but from the sound of things, your wife seems bent on finding your sin and temptations and condemning you for it. Yes, of course, you are guilty of lust, like all men, and that is a sin the Lord is slowly eradicating from your life. But your wife seems unwilling to even allow you to be tempted. This, to me, is one of the biggest problems. If she wants honesty, fine, but she shouldn’t blame you of sin when you do not sin. I’m sure you’ve been round and round with her about this, but here’s what I might say to her if I were you:
“I am willing to talk to you about the temptations I face in any given day, but I refuse to let you make me feel bad anymore for simply living in a world of temptation. If you choose to give me the cold shoulder or have an accusative tone with me because I admit to you that a tempting image came across my path, my goal is to not let your attitude to affect me. Yes, when I am guilty of actual lust, I should feel guilt and run to the Lord for forgiveness and strength, but I will not allow myself to feel false guilt because I am tempted. They are very different things. If you choose to act this way toward me, I will simply walk out of the room to distance myself you. If you want to talk about it later with a different attitude, I will be more than willing to talk to you. This is a boundary that I need to make sure I don’t get sucked into false guilt. I understand honesty is for rebuilding trust between us, and I am willing to be honest, but I am no willing to feel bad anymore for sins I have not committed.”
If she wants to know the difference between lust and looking, I would say thing: “If I notice a female or see someone who I might consider attractive, I am not guilty of lust. My aim each time will be to look away so that the look does not turn to lust. I understand my heart has the tendency to do that, but out of love for the Lord and you, I want to make you my standard of beauty, and to do that I am going to practice the discipline of turning my heart away from other women and to thoughts of you.”
I have she says she wants to know that she can trust me, and that I am telling her everything, she says she tells me everything, I doubt that cause I know I don’t ask that of her that she tell me every single thing she see and does, I just try my best to trust God to work on her heart and I know in time I will see the fruit of that.
Let me note a little bit of our history and one thing that I believe has a big impact on her lack of trust for me. we dated for an extremily short period of time b4 we got married, and not long after we got married she knew about my addiction, she kept it suppressed for 9 months befor confronting me about it. from that point on I admitted to my secret life promised to quit but never followed up with it. I accepted Christ 2 years later and began taking steps toward my recovery. well married 5 years now and this past july she came clean to me that 4 months in to our marriage she had slept with 2 different people in the same week while back home to visit (we were away cause I was in the military), then 2 other instances since then with different individuals. its been almost a year since this news came out, and it really made my recovery from porn harder for a while dealing with my selfesteem issues stemming from the affairs. I believe I am back on the road to recovery and haven’t looked at porn since april of last year even in light of the affair news, struggled with masturbation and lust.
now that ive kinda given you a little back ground hope that helps
now to give you somewhat of a conversation would go like. Lets say I went home today and mentioned that I went to a new customers location to drop off some equipment on my way there I passed a woman jogging, I noticed her, she was attractive but I looked away focused my eyes on the road and continued on my way, then when I got to the office I have to get the contract signed Id go inside and lets say behind the customers desk, he has a swimsuit calendar hanging up, I notice it but again I look away get my papers signed and get out the door.
theses are 2 things that she would want me to tell her. id get home shed ask how’d my day go or whatever and sooner or later the question would come out well do you have anything to tell me.
if I say no, in her eyes im lieing if she really knew what I had come across that day
if I say yes and explain to her what I saw, the conversation would then go to accusing me like o great now your driving around staring at other women, or sometimes it would be simply a I don’t believe you just looked away but whatever, and then be followed be the cold shoulder. and also so you go to these offices and look around to see what you can see.
I understand that shes still in the healing process and I need to be more understanding that she is trying to protect her heart but I still do make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t look away right away and the Holy Spirit is there to convict me and I confess it to God as sin and truly repent. But she says how she is NEVER going to be happy with me because all I do is lie to her when truth is it takes lots of guts to talk about every little thing with her, especially when I see what it does to her self worth and confidence. Which also causes her to lack the want to be intament with me, which adds to the problem.
I want my marriage to heal but im concerned that im just adding to the problem y discloseing EVERYTHING like she asks of me, but when I don’t satan’s always there to condemn me for “lieing” to her.
So, have your explained to her the difference between temptation and sin?
There are some major “conflict resolution” skills that you and your wife and foster, and it might be helpful if you had a counselor to work with the both of you. Let’s face it: she’s committed adultery, you’ve been entrenched in porn, and it seems like both of your wrestle with deep insecurities around what the other one has done. There is probably a lot that can be learned from someone who can help you navigate through these rough waters.
Might she benefit from some of those articles I posted above?
Sounds like a very difficult situation, T.
Have you two pursued counseling for these things?
but how do I get over the condemnation I feel for not telling her EVERYTHING like she wants? mind you yes its condemnation not conviction
This is a conversation you need to have with her, for sure. It sounds like she faults you not just for sinning, but being tempted (I mean, in an external sense, surrounded by tempting images in everyday life). If you spot a woman jogging and you think she is attractive, but you are conscious of the temptation and turn your eye away, does your wife want to know that? If you have a thought about a woman you saw on a billboard, but you are conscious of it and do your best to put the thought out of your mind, is that the kind of thing she wants to know about? If so, ask her why that information is important to her? Is she offended at you personally because you live in a world where tempting things exist? These are examples of being tempted, not sinning, and there is a big difference. Even Jesus lived in a world surrounded by temptations.
As far as lustful thoughts go, when you confess to something (like doing the double-take with the bikini photo), how does your wife know beforehand that you have something to say? When you tell her, how does the conversation play out? What does she say?
the examples you gave are all things she would want to know. yes any and every temptation if notice it she wants me to tell her. if I don’t she says im lieing to her. and I can feel satan using her definition of honesty to condemn me in to telling her those things, I guess I have a hard time pen pointing the differences between condemnation and conviction in the moment but not so much in hind site. I will respond to your last question about how this all plays out most of the time at a lunch when I have more time. I want you to know I do appreciate all you’ve done so far and look forward to the Godly advice to come thank you again.
It would be good to know why she wants to know about the temptations around you. Have you ever asked her?