If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
Hi, I’ve been married for 5 years, my addiction to pornography started when I was 12 yeas old and grew since. 2 years ago I accepted Jesus and since then He has begun to clean up my life, I haven’t viewed pornography in over a year, but to be honest I have still battled with lust and controlling my eyes, this world is to filled with sexual temptations every where I go, either billboards, to the check out line magazine racks, and its just popping up in more and more places now. its like I cant let my guard down and just relax unless im in my home where I know we have taken the proper steps to rid our home of temptations. as I mentioned earlier I still struggle but I know I get stronger each day and its a battle I will face the rest of my life but each failure takes such a blow on my wifes heart and confidence and her already diminished trust for me. I guess my question is, is there any hope for us? I wont say weither or not my Wife is a Christian cause I cant be sure, but if I cant be sure then im convienced that she probly isn’t. I don’t see the evidence of Him in he heart in her life. I just want to be a Godly husband and father they deserve that, I know this lifestyle is sinful and I don’t want my boys growing up like and ending up like me and taking this sin in to their marriages. she doesn’t want to go to counseling I bought her every heart restored I don’t think she read past the 1st chapter. Im seeking a deeper relationship whit the Lord, I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that one day she will experience true happiness and fulfillment in our marriage
Have you sought out any accountability or mentoring relationships in your church? Have you reached out to other men who have been in your shoes? I cannot overemphasize enough the importance of a rock-solid accountability/mentoring relationship when it comes to overcoming habitual sin in our lives.
You said you haven’t looked at porn in over a year, but that you still have “failures” that your wife knows about. What are these “failures”? Your lusting heart? Can you describe the dynamic between you and your wife when it comes to these failures, how they she knows about them, and what she says when they happen?
well for instance yesterday we walked in to walmart. I know whats there as far as magazine racks I know where the movies are and when we have to go in those areas I have already prepared myself mentally to keep my focus on my path ie the floor maybe my kids, something to control my self. well as we walked through the door way on wone of the medal detectors they put thins like movies or video games advertisments, well ad we walked by it I wasn’t really focusing on that being an area for me to really watch where I put my eyes, I was just relaxed well I saw the advertisement, wasn’t anything bad, the was a guys head pointed it out to my wife , o I want to see that movie, I could feel the atmosphere change not cause I saw something explicit, but because of what it could have been, and this bought on a huge fight which lasted several hours, because in the past Ive told my wife look when we go to places like this I don’t look around I know whats there and I truly don’t want to see it I want to be pure.
by failures I mean: masturbation; im still struggling to overcome my thought life, its a battle but I am having much more victory than defeat
another failure would be we went shopping for her some clothes, we walked by an adversitment of a woman in a bikini, I saw it looked away but when she wasn’t looking I did look again. when we got home she asked me a blanket question of do you have anything to tell me, and comeing from her that could mean anything from, dreams, inappropriate thoughts, see something even as simple as a snap fitness bill board with a woman on it in a tanktop, not baring any cleavage or anything, all they way to did I see something at the magazine rack my the check out stand, I told her what I had seen and that’s another example of a failure.
yes I have mad myself accountable to an older man in my church which has been extremely helpful but my wife feels that if theres something I can tell someone else she should also know, we should be able to share everything
As far as talking to your wife about these things, there is a fine line between honesty/openness/transparency and a wife’s overwhelming obsession with your thought-life. I’ll tread softly as I say this, because I don’t want to be misunderstood.
There are some men who ere on the side of too much secrecy. They’ve had their secret life of sin, and now that they’re making strides to change they have their secret recovery life as well. They will not be open with their spouse about any progress they are making (or not making). They are even counseled by therapists to do this. This sort of secrecy does no one any favors. If that is a man’e tendency, these articles may be a help:
1. What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has a Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery
2. When Porn Shattered My Fairytale World
3. “I’m getting married, so I don’t need Internet Accountability anymore.”
4. Honesty in Marriage: Should my wife be my accountability partner when it comes to lust?
In other relationships, the man is very honest, even volunteering a lot of information about his inner world, but the woman can become obsessed with that inner world, even counting his struggle or possibility of his struggle against him (merely for living in a world of temptations). This can often turn to a very sour relationship very quickly, placing the woman in a more maternal role. This is very unhealthy for a marriage. For couples in that situation (and this sounds like you), I recommend these articles:
1. Should my wife be my accountability partner? The experts give their answer
2. Spying on Your Husband on the Computer
3. Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives?
Let me know if these articles are a help to you.
Hello. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I came across it looking for materials on how to get past this myself.
It’s been about 3 weeks since I discovered my husbands porn addiction. Well, actually, I have cought him several times over the last 10+ years and he promised to stop many times, but just recently when I realized how excessive it has gotten and how badly it was effecting him as not just a husband, but a person. It took seeing that he was visiting questionable sites with girls who looked clearly under 18 to push me over the edge and give him the ultimatum of porn or me. The porn was changing him.
He was very responsive at first, telling me that he always felt bad doing it, that he won’t do it again, that he will do anything to save our marriage. I saw him for one of the first times with no wall up, crying with honesty flowing out of him.
Oddly enough, this gave me hope. I had never seen him so vulnerable, empathetic and understanding to my feelings.
The next couple of days were followed with a high of sorts. He was taking initiative, I felt comfortable getting close to him for the first time in years. He admitted to feeling so much better with his new resolve. We started to have sex again, which has been great!
..but then things started to change. I ask him to read some books and he fought me on it. He finally agreed to read this little 10 page book but not without a fight first. He did benefit from the short read but I am now fearful to ask for more.
I also have these little breakdowns, where I feel insecure and need reassurance and love. He makes it very clear that he is tired of them. They happen every few days. A lot of times after sex or if I ask him to do something to reassure or help me trust him and he’s reluctant.
Last night we made love but he fell asleep really fast. I felt good, but when he started snoring…the panic set in. I all the sudden felt used. All the old feelings came up. I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but I couldn’t help it. I told him how I felt this morning and he got frustrated. Not only was be frustrated but later on in the day he went as far to say that I don’t care about his feelings of frustration and how frustrating and hard it is to pursue sex with me because I have all these “problems.”
In so many words, I heard “you are ruining sex for me.” And naturally, my feelings were, you ruined it for me 10 years ago and contined to do so…am I supposed to feel bad about that?”
Except I do feel bad. Because not only do I have past issues with abuse, but now I have these insecurities about myself. I feel inadequate next to porn (since I’m real and porns not) but now on top of all those insecurities I’m being told yet, another thing about myself that makes sex even less enjoyable. And here I was thinking I was doing great being able to be intimate after all this time, but I was wrong.
It hurts so bad. I just don’t see how I’m supposed to ever feel good about myself again?
He just doesn’t understand how much I need his empathy, support snd patience to show and prove that he has really changed. He thinks that him stopping should just be the end of it. It’s only been 3 weeks as despite me forgiving him, loving h and being more attracted to him than I have in 10 years, he thinks I should be somehow “better” than I am and he’s already thinkng selfishly.
This scares me. I love him so much. He really is a good man and I believe he
loves me and wants to be better. But I feel like he lacks the understanding that 10+ years of this can’t be fixed so fast and it’s going to require a lot of work on his part for me to get past it. Yet, I already feel guilty like I’m bothering him and making his life miserable.
Any suggestions on how to get him to understand what I need and why I need it so badly. I’m so scared with his current attitude on track that I will lose him to this all over again.
Hi Jane,
First, thank for sharing the details of your story. I know it must hurt to relive these past 10+ years. What your husband did to you through his deception and lust is deplorable, so your distrust of him is not only common, it is completely justified.
From afar it is hard to give any advice that won’t seem simplistic and shallow, but I’ll do my best.
I do recommend you talk to a skilled counselor/minister who has dealt with women in your situation. Find someone who doesn’t just treat you as a “co-addict” (a common way to classify wives of porn/sex addicts), but as someone who has been traumatized by your husband’s sin (and any past victimizers). You need love and support right now, as well as good counsel about how to move forward with your husband.
You already know that you didn’t cause his addiction, nor can you control it. You already know that porn standards aren’t realistic and that no living, breathing, in-the-flesh woman can compete with a harem of online fantasy women. The fault is not with you. You know this already, but oftentimes the heart is really slow to believe that. It will take time, but change is possible.
Your husband is being insensitive right now to your needs. To him, he’s been keeping a secret about the depths of this problem for years. Now that the secret is out, his feeling is one of relief, but you’ve not had years to think about this. He should be more patient with you.
He may be closed off to the idea of getting more help for his pornography issue (which is a shame), but perhaps you can approach him about getting help enriching your marriage. You might say something like this: “I know I’ve been frustrating you recently because of my own insecurities. I’m still adjusting to everything and I would appreciate your patience. That said, I don’t want our marriage to stay where it is. I want to grow in intimacy with you. I want us to have the best sex and romance we can have, and that involves both of us growing together, learning to communicate better. Are you willing to learn with me how we can become better lovers?” Then propose some ideas about marriage enrichment: see a marriage counselor, read a book or curriculum together, go on a marriage retreat, etc.
I know that marriage enrichment and overcoming pornography are two distinct issues, but he might be more open to dealing with latent porn issues if he knows your overall goal is the enrichment of your marriage.
Just a thought.
You might really enjoy this book: Porn and Your Husband. It is free to download on our website.
Hello again Luke,
Is no one else posting on this line anymore ?
Here is an update on my situation which I have sent to the addiction recovery people who have been counselling my husband for the last couple of years. I thought you may be interested.
Dear Noel
Thank you for your ‘Battleground of the Mind’ Flyer for next week. As John has no doubt told you, I asked him to leave the matrimonial home at the beginning of January, which he did. On Boxing Day night, after I had gone to bed, he downloaded 250 pages of perverse sexual literature which I emailed over to my lawyer the next day.
After his arrest in 2009 John signed a ‘contact’ with Social Services undertaking not to access this type of material in the family home ever again, as it is morally unacceptable that a young boy should be reared in a place where the Head of the Household is engaging in this type of disturbing and perverse sexual literature. John willing signed this Social Services contract to ensure he could return to the family after nearly 12 months apart. However, as we all know John has not kept to this agreement over the intervening years. It is now nearly 5 years since John’s first arrest and he has had more than enough time to put his sexual house in order and he has had huge input from multiple agencies both secular and spiritual.
I have now sadly come to the conclusion that he is either unwilling or unable, or both, to control this lustful and perverse desire and have therefore determined that we can no longer live together as man and wife. I find his perversion disgusting and quite honestly I do not know how I have stood it for so long.
Social Service, who are now engaged again, are of exactly the same mine and do not want John to return to the family home again as an appropriate protection for his son John Junior. I have peace about this new situation and our son, John Junior, is thriving having come out from his father’s dominating and oppressive spirit.
Keep up the good work with the addicts and please give my regards to Dawn.
Warmest regards in Christ
Naomi
Thanks for sharing, Naomi. Your story is heartbreaking. I hope he comes to his senses.
This is a very sobering interview about the potential effects of long term use of porn which is a must watch for anyone who is serious on this subject.
God bless Naomi
http://www.veoh.com/watch/v6814357Ar4yZzSg?h1=Ted+Bundy+-+The+Final+Interview
This is a nice little 3 minute video, worth watching
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO_mW2LYXRo
Good video.
Here’s the weblink, it looks very good. It is too late for my husband of course. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/#get-the-facts
The problem is that porn encourages lies and dishonesty. It is a very selfish activity and once established becomes all consuming. My prayer partner told me about a new website/group of young men entitled “fight the new drug” set up to encourage young christian me just not to go there, ever. It is far to dangerous. I recently meet a lovely young girl of about 30 who called off her engagement because her fiancé admitted pornography addiction. Heartbreaking.
We’ve heard quite a bit about Fight the New Drug. Sounds like they are doing some great work in schools and churches.
I believe these holy scriptures cover it …
LK 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
TIT 3:10-11 A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject; Knowing that he that is such is subverted, and sinneth, being condemned of himself. TIT 1:15-16 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.
LEV 18:17,24-26, 29 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son’s daughter, or her daughter’s daughter, to uncover her nakedness; it is wickedness. …
Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants. Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you: … For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.
MT 5:27-29 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
My husband and I have been married almost 9 years and within the 1st year i caught him looking at porn it was heart breaking, then i caught it again a year later, we argued and faught i told him how it hurt and so on. To the best of my knowlegde it stopped so I was accepting that but then recently alot of other lies have surfaced non on cheating or anything that bad but it has caused some major trust issues again. I was on his phone about a week and a half ago and honestly I wasn’t looking for anything but i seen some odd downloads he had left open. it turned out to be porn but he swears that he doesn’t know how it got there. we have discussed this ever since and I can tell from the years of his lies that he is still not giving me the whole truth but i just dont know what to do anymore. I want the pain and anger to go away and I want to get past this and make our marriage stronger than ever. I just don’t know how if he either wont give me the honest truth or if I just can’t accept what he is giving me.
Hi Stephanie,
Have you considered setting some clear boundaries for him? It can be very helpful when trying to reestablish trust, especially with a husband who hasn’t been consistent with his commitments. I recently did a video about this topic. Watch it and let me know if it helps to clear things up for you. There are some next steps you can take. You are not powerless.
I also highly recommend you talk with someone face-to-face who can help you out emotionally at this time. It is important you have a sounding board and someone who can speak wisdom into your life. Do you attend a church anywhere?
TIT 3:10-11 A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject; Knowing that he that is such is subverted, and sinneth, being condemned of himself. TIT 1:16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.
Dear Luke
The journalling does help to objectify my experiences, helps to recognise my feeling responses to the events that happen to me and probably most importantly gives me somewhere to ‘put’ these feelings. Here are items 11 to 22
11 It was John’s 60th birthday this year and I arranged two big parties for him. The catering cost about £1,000. For my birthday John said he would take me to Istanbul for 4 days, his choice of location not mine. I arranged for dog-sitters/house-sitters (family friends) to also take responsibility for our 14 year old son while we were away. The night before we were due to fly it transpired John had not booked the flights or the hotel. So the house-sitters turned up the next day, expecting us not to be here and we spend my birthday weekend sharing my home for 4 days with the house-sitters! John arranged nothing else.
12 Just remembered a telephone conversation I overheard that John had with a creditor of his recently and how he sought to be totally funny, charming and sweet talking to put off paying for a few days.
Sunday 22st December 2013
13 Just had an email from John, didn’t ask how I was and no news of their holiday, just could I pick him up from the airport at 6.20 pm. Appeared to lie about why he didn’t contact me earlier.
14 When I was crying this morning because of our Son’s disrespect and rudeness at Church my husband gave me a hanky out of his pocket, which was hard and crunchy from dried semen.
15 I got sent to bed at 10.40 pm. He did leave his computer at home while he was away skiing much to my amazement and delight and amazement of amazements, he actually made love to me tonight, the first time in as long as I can remember! And what’s more it was actually pleasurable not perfunctory and lacking in feeling, or him just losing interest and abandoning it. Also John came for a walk with me with the dogs when I asked this afternoon. He hasn’t done that for a long, long time if ever.
16 I spent hours today In tears because of John Junior’s bad behaviour at Church. I guess being with his Dad for 8 days has not done him any good. He was totally rude and unacceptable and I felt totally publically humiliated. Culminating in him shouting at me at the end of the service and announcing, without discussion, that he was walking home. My husband doesn’t come to Church. John Junior had refused to come in to the service, he refused to join the prayer-group, he refused to stand up for the hymns and he refused to sing. He said I was the most frightening and scary person on the planet. Altogether, I felt terribly disrespected and that my feelings and needs didn’t matter.
17 After I got home, in the midst of all my tears, I said I had had enough of being treated like dirt and disrespected. I have spent the last 3 years of my life dedicating myself totally to John Junior’s home schooling and getting him out of a hole because he hated institutionalised schooling. I said if that is the way he is going to treat me I shall leave him and his Dad to themselves and make a new life in London at Darlan Road. I am not going to stay around for any more of this.
Monday 23st December 2013
18 Junior came in this morning and said he felt guilty about his behaviour yesterday and it wouldn’t happen again. I said he hadn’t better. I said I was glad that he had a conscience about the way he behaved but someone had to be the adult in authority around here and it happened to be me. I said I had also felt lonely and neglected while they had been away because no one had bothered to keep in touch. Also I asked if anyone had got me a Christmas present and that he, John Junior ought to think about all the thousands of pounds I spend on him on presents over the years. John Junior was ashamed and said he would get me a present straight away.
19 John my husband is back home, so chaos returns, things everywhere shoes in the middle of the floor, papers scattered randomly. Half finished jobs all over the house, half finished washing up, half finished putting away, dirty things in the cold, greasy washing up water: quarter finished unpacking. The only thing that is really important to him (apart from the computer, TV and CD’s) is food, thinking about it, buying it, preparing it, cooking it and eating it.
20 So upset about the emotional distress of yesterday over the events at Church. I had been in great spirits and very healthy and vital while the menfolk were away, I now feel tense, I have a sore throat and have pains in my digestive system. All these symptoms are very typical of the background health issues that I suffer from when John is in the house. I generally feel crushed and helpless and on the edge of tears much of the time.
21 John actually made love to me this morning again, second time in 36 hours, absolutely unheard of! It wasn’t quiet as affectionately centred on me as Saturday night but at least he didn’t have erectile problems, which has been so hugely distressing and devastating to me and destructive to my self-confidence previously.
22 He even wanted to have a shower with me this morning! What’s going on? Leaving his computer behind for a week has obviously done some good.
Luke my GP has recommended me to Clouds House and their Families Plus programme supporting people like me. They have suggested I keep a diary so I though your might be moved to tears by what the reality of my life over the last few weeks has been
DIARY
21st December 2014 and recent past
1 John and John Junior are on holiday skiing (John having stolen this holiday from me because he wanted to go instead and he had had a two week holiday in the summer and the deal was that this was to be my turn).
2 A couple of weeks ago he smashed up a chair in John Junior and my presence (an eighteenth century dinning chair inherited from his father’s family which has been in the family since 1825). I have the repair bill, The restorer said the damage was very extensive. The back was completely boken off from the seat and in multiple pieces. John Junior, who was standing very rearby was very alarmed and recoiled at the explosion of violence.
3 While away for the week John has not contacted me except for a short email on the first evening looking for his phone. I have been alone all week with our two dogs.
4 Some months ago John punched a hole in the door, which is still there as a testimony to his behaviour. I wanted him to be convicted of his sin everytime he looked at it. Simon Bethel my lawyer, has an email about this incident. I think it was about April this year.
5 There has been much angry violence in the marriage over the years.
6 We went out to a concert at my request (a very, very rare event) and when speaking to some acquaintances we meet there, he was very rude about the music, which he knows is my particular taste and I thoroughly enjoyed but I could not counter without making an unpleasant scene.
7 Again at my request I asked him to take me out to dinner the night before they went away on holiday, again a very, very rare event. Again there happened to be a couple of our family friends in the restaurant who came over to chat to us. John took the opportunity to deeply criticise the home schooling package that I have selected to educate John Junior with because he cannot cope with Institutionalised education. Again I could not speak up without making a public row. It felt like this was a direct attack on me but make to an uninvolved third party so that I could not defend my self, my decisions or my judgement.
8 We have not had successful sex for months (well years actually) latterly my husband has become impotent. I understand this is common with men who masturbate repeatedly to pornography, of any type because the real thing then just becomes ‘bad porn’. The doctor prescribed Viagra but he refuses to use it. I took him to the doctor. It was so painful seeing these pills sitting in the bathroom unused that after a year or so I threw the tablets away. He never even noticed.
9 A week or so before they went skiing I found a semen stained rag by his computer and tv one morning on his chair as I was opening the curtains. I left it in an obvious place on the chair and sometime later he had removed it and put it in the washing box. My husband lives in chaos, everything is untidy and he never put a rag in the wash box normally. This is the sort of thing I spend my life doing, tidying up around him. He has piles of books and newspapers and cd’s and rags around his chair all the time.
10 Not very long ago, during our daily devotions with John Junior, which start the school day, he flung the book he was reading to John Junior and I across the room in temper. This sort of behaviour, though shocking at the time is quite commonplace.
It breaks my heart to read this. Is the journaling helping?
Dear Naomi, I feel for you. I have lived all of this. Oh, and don’t worry about the Viagra. It won’t help. My husband tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. It is a brain problem not a penis problem, so meds for erectile dysfunction usually do nothing. My husband was unable to get an erection with me, and we had no sex for 6 yrs. He finally quit the porn, and it took him a year to get some function back in order to be with me. It’s better now. Things can get better, but he has to decide on his own that he wants better for himself and everyone else. My husband was AWFUL in every respect: nasty, self centered, self serving, demanding, demeaning. I could go on & on but u get the picture. He has become a sweet, sweet man, since he quit the porn & whatever else. His heart has changed & opened up. Of course I live in fear of it going back the other way. If my husband is cranky I think, “Uh oh, he’s going back to it”. But he hasn’t; I know that. Let me know how you are doing since it’s been like 8 months since u wrote that.