If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
My husband’s mind and conscience are defiled and that is why he is so heartless, self centred and lazy. As his character deteriorates with the continued use of this stuff he becomes more and more unfeeling, manipulative and deceitful. Not surprising really, when you think about how he has handed himself over the devil and given him a lot more than just a foothold.
This is the same kind of degradation you read about in Romans 1: the continual giving of oneself over to sin resulting in more and more callousness.
There is also these verses which I believe are pertinent
The land shall vomit them out and cut them off from their people.
LEV 18:17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son’s daughter, or her daughter’s daughter, to uncover her nakedness; it is wickedness.
LEV 18:24 Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things:
LEV 18:25 And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.
LEV 18:26 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:
LEV 18:29 For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.
LEV 18:30 Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the LORD your God.
Although John has “only” done the pornography not the act itself he has committed adultery “in his heart” thousands if not tens of thousands of times.
MT 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
MT 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
MT 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
LK 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
TIT 1:15 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.
I am so sorry about the sad situation I in am in in my marriage, and know it’s not really possible for ministers or counsellors to stand in my shoes and give advice about the Will of God for me. I have to make personal decisions about my marriage relationship myself, however painful.
It seems to me there are four aspects to a marriage relationship, respect, trust, understanding and love, and sometimes a wife still loves her husband even when all trust has been broken, there is no respect left and neither can grow in their understanding of each other in the relationship because of fundamentally different world views and by this stage I believe my husband is incapable of having a true relationship or sacrificially loving anybody.
The advice that I have received from some quarters that God is perfecting me through the pain, humiliation and suffering of my marriage seems to be a worldview that God deliberately makes us suffer. I don’t believe this can be supported from the Holy Bible’s teachings because I know that God loves me. Although we are called to rejoice in our trials.
Much is said about suffering but normally it’s along the lines that God is with us and wants to help us through such times. Suffering, that we don’t bring upon ourselves and which is caused by the sin of others, requires a choice of three responses. Firstly we may choose to resist it as something which comes from the enemy, secondly we may choose to endure it the best we can because we know God is with us through it and thirdly we can flee. But is a wife who has made a lifelong covenant relationship free to flee ?
I consider emotional and sexual abuse in a relationship to have all the hallmarks of the enemy who brings death and destruction wherever he can. When something has gone on for so long, 18 years including courtship in my case, the abnormal appears normal but most certainly is not pure.
The choices before me are whether to stay with my marriage and accept it because this is the Will of God for my life and watch my husband be eaten by the devil from the inside out, make efforts to bring about an improvement which I have done for the last 10 years without success, or find a way of escape.
I do pray I will be able to find peace and get the wisdom needed from the Lord. Only He knows and understands all the circumstances and what His claim on my life is.
Thanks for sharing with us, Naomi. I hope you can come to some conclusions based on the Word.
I think that’s the truth the Holy Bible and therefore our LORD Jesus Christ does not allow divorce where there is pornography but that is not what we want to hear. He obviously doesn’t allow fornication or adultery so that just leaves celibate separation or marriage subject to abuse. It’s a tough call.
It is. I know some trigger happy wives who want to call it quits at the first sight of lust or pornography. I know other wives who put up with decades of abuse, infidelity, neglect, and even total abandonment and stay in their miserable marriages. Neither of these extremes is good, in my opinion. It is a very tough call to know how to apply the principles of the Bible in some of these situations.
Dear Luke
I have just watched the False Love series. They have given me a much greater understanding of my husband’s struggles. I am sure this series is of great encouragement for men who have been seduced into this sin of pornography. Also on Brad Hambrick’s site there was a article on whether pornography (in the absence of adultery) gives Biblical grounds for divorce and he concludes not. I myself have always read Matthew 5 : 31 – 32 as only giving a right of divorce to men against adulterous wives and not the other way round. I am not aware of any scripture which gives wives a right of divorce but let me know if there is Holy Scriptural authority for this that you are aware of, although I do know that 1COR 7:10 – 11 allows wives to leave their husbands in extremis
“And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.”
but of course this does not allow us to remarry and encourages return.
Thank you for the recommendation of watching these video’s, the LORD is doing a great job through Brad Hambrick and his church.
God bless
Naomi
I’m glad you were blessed by the videos!
We have some interesting discussions on our blog about the divorce question (this post is getting the bulk of the discussion; it quotes Hambrick’s article).
Truthfully, this is still an issue I’m working out in my own mind, so I’ll refrain from trying to give an answer.
Luke
I PRAISE God that he has restored to their first love countless men. Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t yet looked at the False Love film yet but will do so. I pray the Spirit of Truth which is the Holy Ghost will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Merry Christmas and God bless.
Dear Luke
I have just found this on the internet it may be very encouraging for other wives who are clearly struggling with their husband’s sexual sin. It has certainly given me fresh hope. Whether Jesus can save my marriage through this I pray that he may.
God bless
Naomi
How to Heal a Troubled Marriage
The Bible says much about how a man is to treat his wife, and vice versa. “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (Col. 3:19). This verse speaks reams of food for thought and practice, when it comes to a husband’s responsibility in meeting his wife’s deepest, most enduring needs. It would seem that God has placed within the woman’s psyche a limitless desire to be loved, to be nourished and cherished, “even as the Lord the church” (Eph. 5:29). Yes, the relationship between Christ and His church is what the marriage covenant pictures. Further, to the wife, Paul states: “and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33). What does it mean for a wife to reverence that man? How can a man truly love that woman? How can a wife’s obedience to a simple command, and a husband’s obedience to a simple command, bring a healing balm to a troubled marriage?
by Jerry Gentry
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (Col 3:18-19).
It is a common falsehood among Christian husbands who sometimes promote the idea that wives are lesser beings, since they are commanded to “submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). Is the wife just his doormat, for wiping his shoes? Is she little more than his workhorse, who irons his shirts, cooks his meals, cleans his house and bears his children? Obviously, no Christian man really wants that kind of a wife, though men often reduce their wives to second class citizen status, by the way they thoughtlessly treat these delicate creatures. What is she to do about it? Must the wife rebel, or is there “a more excellent way” (1Cor. 12:31), for a Godly wife to love a thoughtless husband?
Wife, when did you last show your husband genuine reverence? Would you know how to reverence that man? Why would such reverence be important to your marriage? Do you honestly know any wife in this world, who reverences her own husband with respect and submission “as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22)? The high calling for every wife is clear: “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me” (Matt. 25:40). Wife, the way you reverence your own husband mirrors precisely your real relationship and submission to Jesus Christ. It is myth to think you can submit to, even respect and reverence, Jesus Christ, while you disrespect your husband. You know that to be true, if you will think about it.
Rare is the woman who gives her husband the level of reverence she thinks she would give to Christ, though many wives give much effort to that end. But my husband? That man, who leaves his dirty clothes all over the house? That man, who burps rudely at the dinner table; that man, who selfishly ignores my need to talk in favor of reading the newspaper; that man, who regularly forgets to take out the trash, until I remind him? Reverence that man? Christ is nothing like that man, you say, and rightly so. Christ is not like your husband, agreed. But that is not the main issue for you. The question for you is simply this: Are you like Christ? Stated again, are you treating that man like Christ commands you to treat him, even though he is sometimes such a thoughtless dolt? The way you treat that man, regardless of his faults and weaknesses, is a measure of your own obedience to Jesus Christ. Right? If you doubt that fact, then you need to go back through Bible 101, and learn again the first rudiments concerning the marriage covenant. Will you live by faith, which is to obey God even when it makes no rational sense?
Really, reverence him? That’s right, wife. Reverence that very man, strange as that may sound to you now, after all you have been through. Read the words in your own Bible. You are commanded to do something toward him, which is not conditional upon what he does in return. Do you believe that? Will you do that? You are commanded to look up to him, even when he leaves his dirty socks where they came off his feet, even when he forgets to say “thank you,” after you’ve fixed his favorite meal, even when he spends more time petting the family collie than in listening to you. But that’s not fair, you object!
Fair? What is fair? Is obedience fair? The command to you, wife, is to “see that she reverence her husband,” and do so joyfully, with a good spirit. Will you agree with that Scripture? Your reverence for that man is not conditional on his performance of his duties to you, any more than the command that husbands “love your wives, and be not bitter against them,” is conditional on your respect for him. Now you want him to love you, right? Then see that you reverence him, and wait on God to prompt change in him. What if he does not change immediately? Keep on obeying God and reverencing him. There is one thing for certain. Any wife, or husband, who takes up the words of God and determines to live by those specific words, even stand alone in obedience to God when necessary, even in the face of ridicule and rejection, is a person who gains God’s respect.
“But to this man will I look, even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word” (Isa. 66:2). Christian wife, will you tremble at His word? You must humble yourself, otherwise you will excuse your disobedience through your own pride and self justification.
Wife, take a step back in time, for a moment. Did you once fall in love with that man? Were you once so crazy in love with him that you would do anything to be with him, even marry him? Your marriage was an unconditional lifetime commitment, not a limited contract. The only way it will work now is when you individually take up the words of God and make the decision to live by those words. Who will go first? What if the husband will not go first? Is he in the right? No, he is in the wrong. What can you as a wife do about that? Most wives right there make the wrong choice. Will you nag and criticize? Will you draw inward and remove your “heart” from that man? Will you separate from him, even divorce him? There are very few grounds for separation or divorce in the Bible. Even toward the unbelieving husband, who is pleased to dwell with the believing wife, the wife is given a formula for exercising her highest feminine powers in winning him to Christ:
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
“While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1Pe 3:1-2). Do not allow such language to reduce your thoughts back to the “doormat” mentality. Paul says just the opposite. He tells you, the wife, to use your “chaste conversation,” your pure gift of gab, your “sweet talk,” by whatever name, to win him to Christ. Does that sound like a “doormat?” No. Would you win your husband to Christ? Then don’t be a nag. Don’t criticize him. “Sweet talk” him through your “chaste conversation” to becoming like Christ, and reap the rewards of having a different kind of husband, one you will like much better than the one you now have. That is the Bible formula. Are you willing to use it?
Yes, you married that man, and oh how sorry you have been, on many occasions, since then! You then thought he was a Christian, but how could he also be such a weakling, and so uncouth at times? How could he be so thoughtless, so inconsiderate, so downright crude? Answer: because he has not yet become perfect, like Christ, in his own obedience to the commands God has given him.
In a word, he has not yet disciplined himself in all the ways he must, to love his wife, and be not bitter against her. You see, it would appear that God has given two people of opposite gender in marriage two different sets of needs, and two different sets of weaknesses. The wife needs love, whereas her husband needs reverence. His first love may well turn to bitterness, in the face of her criticism and nagging, expressed as her reverence slides away. A husband’s bitterness expresses itself in many subtle ways, but most often through lack of communication, except for blow ups. He feels your lack of respect, absence of reverence, that you have removed your “heart” from the relationship. It has cut him to the core, hurt him deeply. He has tried to tell you about it. But you got mad, justified yourself, cried and gave him the cold shoulder. He later bought you flowers, and you both made up, superficially. So what does he do now? He remains silent, to your unspoken needs, so as not to provoke your anger and feel the chill of your cold shoulder. It is simply too painful. He wants to avoid going through that agony again. In the process of guarding against further hurt, he holds you at some distance.
Every husband must learn to endure with patience every disrespect his wife shows him. When she cheers others, but nit picks at you, then you must still love her. When she sleeps in and doesn’t make your breakfast, except when company comes, you must still love her. When she reminds you that she noticed what you failed to do, that you said you would do, you must still love her. Often without even knowing it, without even thinking, she shows you disrespect, more in her attitude than just in her words. And often you show her bitterness, in failure to talk problems out patiently and kindly. Why does she say such things, you think? But you dare no longer ask. The thought of her likely response is too painful.
A girl is attracted to a man who sweeps her off her feet, gives her goose bumps, makes her feel like a queen. Such is the basis of worldly romance. Even with all her gift of speech and their mental acuity, a wife is easily deceived. It all goes back to the first sin in the garden of Eden. It was this very sin that Eve first committed, of letting the Serpent sweep her off her feet and deceive her. Wives have been deceived, as a general weakness, ever since. Wife, do you believe that? It is in your Bible. If you think otherwise, then is it because you too are deceived?
The apostle Paul confirms this basic weakness in wives, when he admonishes: “And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression” (1Tim. 2:14). Many women are sharper mentally than their husbands. Many women have superior verbal skills than their husbands. Many women are quicker at thinking than their husbands. Yet even with their sharp mentality, their superior communication skills and quickness of thought, they can still fall into the oldest sin known to the woman, the sin of being deceived. When a woman overrules, neglects or rejects her husband’s words, then she is living in deception. The devil has her heart, as sure as he had the heart of Eve. Mark it down. It is in your Bible.
Two people of different gender in one marriage make for both exhilarating fellowship and awful heartache, when each fails to understand and practice the unconditional requirements of the marriage covenant. By way of review, what are those most fundamental requirements, once again?
Wife, you must “submit to,” and “reverence” your husband. Husband, you must “love,” and “be not bitter against” your wife. Plain and simple in command, but more difficult in practice.
Husband, how is your bitterness expressed in real life? It is expressed in anything and everything that is outside of “love.” What are some examples? When your wife fails to compliment you and build your ego, she strikes at your most basic need. Yet, you are to love her anyway, and show her kindness. When she fails to thank you for the many things you have done to support her, you are to love her anyway, and continue to provide for her. When she befriends those who have abused your generosity, even takes the other side with sympathetic understanding against you, you must be understanding and gentle toward her. Hard as that is, it is your unconditional marriage covenant responsibility.
When she takes you for granted, will you do what makes her feel special, anyway? Even when she is deceived into withholding her heart from you, and giving her heart wrongly to a friend or a close family member, or even another lover, you are to intercede for her with God, for mercy, not judgment. The Psalmist speaks of such sacrificial love: “Gather my saints together unto me; those that have made a covenant with me by sacrifice” (Ps. 50:5). When will husbands begin to show such sacrificial love for their wives, even as Christ did on the cross, when he interceded for us all and said: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Husbands, when you enter into such a covenant of sacrifice, with God, then you will have no will of our own in marriage. You will seek God’s will only, and your wife will feel it, because God is duty bound to give her such grace, as the third member of every Godly marriage covenant. But instead, you have turned bitter, and criticized her for the disrespect you felt. You have thrown mud back at that woman, and you are wrong. You have treated marriage as 50/50, and justified your lack of motivation to show her sacrificial love, because you have been hurt over and over. You have not yielded “your bodies a living sacrifice” (Rom. 12:1), ready and willing to go to the cross, for that woman. Husband, you have missed the point. Marriage is not 50/50.
Marriage is 100% only, and husband, only when you give yourself 100% in obedience to the unconditional, sacrificial “love” and “be not bitter against” concept, will you please God. What if your wife does not change immediately? That is not your responsibility, but God’s. Perhaps you should do a thorough housecleaning to rid sin from your life. Keep on loving her, sacrificially. If you get your act together, in obedience, God can shake her up, even put hooks in her jaws, and bring her into obedience, in His good time. Sin is the main reason for troubled marriages, and you can “be sure your sin will find you out” (Num. 32:23). It is certain that “there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known” (Luke 12:2). Deal with what God places on your heart, and wait on Him to change her. And what if He does not? Then you have the comfort of knowing that you have met your unconditional basic marriage responsibilities anyway. You have pleased God, even when it made no rational sense.
Wife, what if your husband is unwilling to go first? What will you do? If you are a Christian wife in subjection, then you will meet the unconditional marriage responsibilities which God has given you alone. You will submit to your husband, even use your “chaste conversation,” your “sweet talk,” to win him to Christ. And out of your genuine respect and reverence to God, you will begin to reverence that man too.
Marriage is a tough row to hoe. Who will disagree? But the rewards bring the highest level of fellowship in all the earth. So, wife, next time you feel like a doormat, realize that maybe you have partly put yourself there, in your failure to reverence that man and meet his most fundamental need to be held up on a pedestal, his need to feel important. Will you nag? Criticize? If so, he will withdraw his heart, and give you the silent treatment. Or worse, he will yell and put you in your place. Will you then remove your heart from the marriage bed? Then he will feel the rejection, and where will he turn to meet his most fundamental need of all, that being, to feel important, to feel like his life makes a difference to someone. Will he find another woman? Many men do, in rebellion against God. And husband, when you fail to give sacrificial, unconditional “love. . . [and] be not bitter against” her, when you neglect to meet her deepest, most fundamental needs, when you ride roughshod over her heart, where will she turn? To another man? Many wives to just that, in rebellion against God.
The bottom line is this. We each have individual responsibilities in marriage. Why do we wait on the other, before we are willing to step out in obedience, and wait on God to work change in the other mate? That is the issue, in all troubled marriages. Wife, that is the issue with you. Will you shed the “doormat” deception, and rise above that carnal justification, which is little more than a poor excuse for not winning your barbarian husband to Christ, through your “chaste conversation?” Perhaps you need to bridle your tongue, and bring it into subjection to God’s word. “And if they [wives] will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home” (1Cor. 14:35). How long has it been since you asked your husband to explain something to you from the Bible? Wife, it is one thing you alone have sole power over, independent of your husband, in your marriage. You need not ask his permission. You need not plead, beg, or otherwise show him any obeisance, when you make the choice to win him over through your “chaste conversation,” and to reverence that man with the personal, unconditional, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ in you.
Husband, will you “love” sacrificially, or show “bitterness?” Which will it be for you? When that woman turns up her words of criticism, will you tune her out, or will you turn on your sacrificial “love” for her? Most of us tune that woman out. Yet, we must admit that our unconditional marriage responsibility is to “love,” even “cherish,” our wives. It is much easier to justify our faults and fall back on the “bitterness” of blame, neglect and self justification, that it is to follow that “more excellent way” of sacrificial love. What will you do, if your wife refuses your best efforts at dealing with marital conflicts? Will you give up? Will you become callous, embittered, unfeeling, in the face of her nagging and criticism? If so, then you have completed the necessary cycle, which will lead to total estrangement and divorce. You know God hates divorce, and neither of you want that. What must you do? You must find a way to show that woman that you love her, unconditionally, sacrificially. You must walk by faith in God, the third member of the marriage covenant, to give to her needed changes too.
You’ve both had troubles for years. You have both cried your eyes out off and on. You have tried just about everything you know, short of divorce, and failed. Want to try something new? OK, then try God’s simple word, his plan for meeting the most fundamental needs of your mate. Change your approach, that is, if you value your marriage enough. Do you want to save your marriage? No one but you is keeping you from taking the first step. Wife, show him some genuine respect. Reverence that man, as a last resort, and see what blessings God will bring your way. Husband, show that woman some genuine, sacrificial love, that is if you still do really do care about her. When you do that, she will know it, and God will be there working on her heart.
How must we heal a troubled marriage? It will be healed when we pour in some balm, and begin to meet the unconditional fundamental needs of our mate. How? Husband, love your wife, unconditionally, sacrificially. Let her know you really care for her. Wife, reverence your husband, even when he does not deserve to be reverenced. Let him know you really look up to him, if you do. And if not, then your heart is not right with God. Reverence that man even when you don’t feel like it. God is not a quitter, and you are not obeying God if you give up. As Jesus said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27). Wife, you must keep on reverencing that man, that undeserving dolt, anyway, even when he fails to “love” you as he should. In doing so, you bring God positively into the equation, on your behalf. Husband, in the face of your wife’s worst criticism, you must keep on loving that woman, unconditionally, sacrificially, anyway. In doing so, you bring God positively into the equation, on your behalf. And when God works, a troubled marriage is healed, in miraculous ways. That is how to heal a troubled marriage.
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Luke
I have just read the string of posts here as you suggested. This is horrendous. How can you bare to read all this pain. We have lost all our men to the Devil, where is the victory ?
Did you watch the True Betrayal series I mentioned? There is a complementary one called False Love with is all about freedom for those who are trapped. There’s the hope. The hope is found in the gospel. In know countless men who have been transformed by God.
Luke I have just been looking at your blog The Lazy or Apathetic Self Centred Spouse and this type really fits …
“One of the marks of lazy or apathetic self-centeredness is complaining that too much is being asked of him/her, or on the flipside labeling their spouse as being demanding with overly high expectations. Discussions about what is reasonable can begin to feel absurd. The lazy or apathetic spouse makes every request seem like a big deal and their areas of neglect seem normal.
In these cases, the offended spouse begins to be forced into the role of a parent more than a spouse. If the home is going to function, they must be “the responsible adult.” The lazy or apathetic spouse enjoys being cared for but rarely if ever expresses gratitude. However they also resent this because it causes them to feel like a child or juvenile.
The responsible spouse feels caught in a Catch-22: (a) treat their spouse like an adult and see significant areas of marital, family, and home life deteriorate and disintegrate, or (b) treat their spouse like a child and make the “marriage work”but then face the anger of their spouse that comes from their being “parental.”
Finances, hobbies, and time with friends are frequent points of conflict as the laziness is rooted in immaturity. Inactivity, poor hygiene, and lack of enthusiasm all make the relationship very difficult. In some cases, the indifference extends beyond the home to an unwillingness to maintain employment. Regardless, friends and family usually begin to notice the inequality in the marriage but often choose not to mention it. This all further increases the strain on the marriage.
As these strains become more pronounced and multiply over time, the marriage problems seem more and more insurmountable. This only confirms the “what good would it do to try” attitude of the passive spouse. When things hit a severe crisis, he/she may put forth effort for a short time, but the lack of “perseverance muscles” result in falling back into old habits quickly.”
Thanks, Naomi.
My husband has been to my knowledge addicted to pornography for 10 years or more (we have been married for 16 years) no matter what I do he cannot give it up. He has been to a Recovery Course but still I find this stuff on his computer. I have largely stayed with him because of our child who is now 14 and I feel I could possibly leave him now. I honestly believes that he hates me and my christian faith (which he calls extreme). Why does he not want to have a relationship with me and why is he so cruel ? I feel such guilt in allowing him to do this to me. Your thoughts please.
Hi Naomi,
Your situation sounds beyond rough. It pains me to hear stories like this.
Your commitment to your family is admirable. It is good you haven’t bailed on your marriage yet (even though many women would have done so). It is also good that you recognize that, to some extent, you are partially responsible for enabling your husband. The more boundaries you can put in place to guard your heart and sanity, more he will understand that porn is something you cannot tolerate.
His attempts at recovery haven’t stood the test of time, and this might partially be because of his animosity toward your beliefs. If he’s hit a point where he links his “recovery” with trying to please you and your Christian convictions (convictions that he hates), then it doesn’t surprise me that he’s still sneaking around with porn.
At this point, it might be best to lay down some boundaries in your relationship. I highly recommend you read this series of posts (especially the last one) to help you do that. In the end, his choices are his, but he needs to know that you will not tolerate him filling his mind with images of other women.
You also need support for yourself. Have you been able to talk to others about this? Do you have a spousal recovery group you can attend? Are there any people who can mentor you right now? I highly recommend you read this free book written to women in your shoes.
Dear Luke
Thank you for your quick reply which I really appreciate. Yes you are right my faith is part of the problem. He sees me as all white and himself as all black. I have tried all the boundaries things but he just doesn’t care. It is almost like he has no feeling around this issue. My church is small and find this very difficult to deal with. The problem is that after most of a life addicted to pornography, mastabation and escapism my husband has become a shell of a man, weak, defeated and failed. This makes it very difficult for me to “reverence” him as I must. I am in turmoil as to what to do for the best, my 14 year old son is being shown a terrible role model of manhood.
Merry Christmas
Naomi
Thanks for replying, Naomi. It sounds like your husband is far gone. There are other boundaries to consider, such as sleeping in separate rooms or even having a period of separation from the home. Have you gone to these extremes yet? If not, approach these options very cautiously, but don’t be afraid to take them. You are correct: your son does not have good model of manhood, and he needs to know that his father falls short. (All fathers fall short, of course, but it takes a real man to admit his faults to his sons and choose to work past them.)
As far as a support network for you is concerned, start by finding one woman you trust. Is there someone in your life who serves for you as a good friend or even a mentor? Someone who serves as a good example of spiritual maturity? Find that one person and begin meeting with her to talk about this issue. Then, agree to meet together every week for prayer and encouragement. I know a lot of women who have found the True Betrayal series very helpful. This free video series is made for groups of women whose husbands have betrayed them sexually. Women who don’t have a support group locally often watch these videos together with a good friend and then use the information to talk with their friend about what they need to do next.
Dear Luke
Thanks for the reply. I may come back to you again later but for the present there’s a lot to pray and think about. We have tried living apart and monitoring but John just stopped paying for it so Stop It Now took it away. I am now on the point of asking him to leave permanently. I am sure God does not want this miserly for me and my self respect has at last said enough is enough. I do really need to think about what is the best for our son. As you can see this is not a position I have come to lightly and my prayer is that the LORD will guide me in the way forward. It is really as though there is no marriage left anymore. It is an empty shell. For all spiritual, emotional and practical purposes my husband ‘left me’ a long, long time ago.
Warmest regards in Christ and under His mercy
Naomi
I will pray for the decisions you need to make, Naomi.
Here’s an idea. Your husbands are watching porn because the day after you got married, you stopped performing sex acts on him that he enjoyed. I’m not talking about basic love making but a bi-yearly blowjob would go a long way and give him something to look forward to. It’s cheaper then a present on his birthday, less work then shopping around for an expensive Christmas present and just as much appreciated as a diamond ring.
No blowjobs means more porn surfing. That simple.
Not that simple, Jessica. We know many men who have very sexually available wives who still look at porn. To be sure, being experimental and fun in the bedroom is a wonderful thing for married couples to do, but this does not slake a man’s thirst for porn. Porn trains a man to want a variety of women paraded in front of him (this is, after all, what porn is). A porn-trained brain won’t be satisfied with just one woman, no matter how vivacious she is. The man must do his part and desire to be a one-woman man.