If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for a few months and told her that I was not looking at porn, even though the entire time I would look at it. She would constantly ask me and I would deny it. The guilt ate me up, but we were never really “official.” I told her I loved her and wanted to marry her and she the same, however we didn’t have a “real commitment” to each other. I have battled with porn for a long time, but I never realized how much of an issue it was. I came clean with her after looking at engagement rings a few weeks ago. I haven’t watched porn at all since then. The desire is slightly there but not nearly as bad as it used to be. However, she doesn’t believe me. She wants me to be honest, but she doesn’t believe me when I am. Sometimes, I just want to tell her that I have watched it (even when I haven’t) just to make her feel like I am being truthful. We are not married, but I love her with my entire being and want to spend my life with her. But this issue has torn us apart and I feel like we are barley holding on, but both of us don’t know how to go on without the other.
Hi Jason,
At this point her trust of you has been shattered because you lied to her back towards the beginning of your relationship. Because of this, she’s right not to trust what you say at the moment. That is a trust that must be built over time, and that is a process both you and she should embrace. If you continue to act in a way that is reliable and trustworthy, and as she see this over time, trust can be rebuilt. Your part of this is not looking pornography and being absolutely patient with her as she figures out what will help her regain trust. Her part is figuring out what actions on your part will help her heart to trust you again (not all at once, of course, but over time). You both have to live with the fact that for the time being trust has been broken.
One of the things I love about her is that she’s willing to sacrifice whatever it takes for the better of the family, I think, so in this case I believe she may be sacrificing what she may want of intimacy or affection, for the better of the family; or in other words, in lieu of leaving and “taking our kids’ father away from them”, or creating a separation in the family, she’s willing to dealing without affection. When I hint towards sex she becomes a little evasive about it. However, I think her attitude towards sex seems to vary depending on a number of variables, because we have discussed in this last year the concept of me getting “fixed”, but I just can’t seem to grasp any pattern to this to feel comfortable enough to navigate the issue when the timing is best. Does that make sense? From what I’m hearing of you, though, is that if there’s any way I can convince her that the counseling is not necessarily to deal with my issues, but instead it will focus on how we will recover from it together. Is that about right?
That’s about right, yes. Obviously, your recovery as an individual and your recovery as a couple are not separate issues, but the major goal is the overall health of your marriage and getting to the bottom of the lack of intimacy (physically speaking). She needs to unearth why she is so evasive and you need to discover how you can treat her in a way that engenders more trust and affection. I’m sure you both have something valuable to learn by sitting down and talking with someone about this.
I will give that a try and see how it goes. I’ve mentioned seeing a counselor before and her reaction was that she knows what the issue is, that it’s my self control and nothing to do with her, so we don’t need to see a counselor to tell us the same thing. Which in part is true, however, like I mentioned to her recently, if we don’t work together to fight the issue there’s no way she can “see” change and improvement; her reaction to that was that she was just emotionally done and doesn’t want to have to deal with it, I think because she hates having the issue brought up and dealing with the pain of it. Though I think she goes through moods where we’re fine — minus intimacy — until the topic is brought up somehow, then the pain rushes back and she’s “done” with it. I just don’t know how to get past that wall to start building trust again (assuming there’s even any desire for that on her end). The only logical solution I can come up with is that I’ll just have to deal with it on my own and trust that God will speak to her heart to change it, as difficult and discouraging as that may seem. I just don’t see how she can be physically and emotionally fine without intimacy, because it sure is painful for me…
So she doesn’t want to have sex with you more than once a year and the problem is your lack of self-control. Yes, porn is a matter of self-control, but a sexless marriage is another issue entirely. If she’s “done with it” as far as the porn goes, then fine. But what does she say when you want to have sex with her?
I’m not at all discounting the pain that betrayal can cause in the heart of a woman. Not at all. I’m just trying to understand: Does she believe a sexless marriage, a marriage without physical intimacy, is a good marriage? Does she want to change that? The counseling is to help her as much as it would be to help you.
My wife and I have been married 9 1/2 years now and we have 4 kids, ages ranging from 11 mo. to 8 years. I love my family beyond words, but unfortunately due to many, many mistakes in the past of my porn usage, my wife and I seem to be at an idle emotional state; at least for my wife. Over the years I have been in a cycle of using, getting caught, staying clean until it starts over and just damages things even more.
To add to this, before we were married she had discovered that before I had met her I had slept with her best friend (in fact I met my wife through this person). I can’t remember for sure, but I’m not sure I had slept with her again after meeting my wife, but that’s beside the point. Discovering this hurt my wife very much. She felt I had lied to her by not telling her. I think I kept this from her for many reasons: fearing she would not want to be with me, assuming she had to have known and didn’t need to say it, etc. but bottom line is I had at that point damaged trust. So adding the discovery of porn usage after we were married just made it worse.
We normally have a decent relationship and get along great with the exception of what is probably the normal amount of disagreements or arguments in any marriage having to do with random things. We laugh, poke fun at each other (in fun, not in gest of hurting one another), and are able to spend great quality family time. We express love to each other verbally, and a hug and kiss frequently, however sex has been far and few between. I can count on one hand (two at the very most) the amount of times we’ve had sex in the last 3-4 years, and the last 2 1/2 years maybe twice (last time being when our 11mo old was conceived, but it’s always been sparse – 2-3 weeksor more on average between). This is most certainly due to the fact that I’ve damaged trust enough that she has no desire, however, especially now, I can’t keep my eyes off her and am crazy with desire for her (have for a long time). I find her more and more beautiful as time passes (though I’ve always found her attractive), and I playfully express that to her but don’t really get much positive feedback. I don’t know if it’s because of her self image or if it’s because she just doesn’t want to hear it from me, but I can tell you I very much would prefer her over any other form of sexual satisfaction! But… another issue may be that I have trouble initiating anything in fear of rejection, and in fear that she just doesn’t want it (at least now). I hate the feeling of rejection, it’s just humiliating to me for some reason and makes me feel childish; like I’m stepping out on a ledge and exposed, then crushed. That may be an exaggerated reaction, but the effect is there.
I really feel I am on the mend from my addiction, and have been for a while now. I feel God working on me and can tell I am about to break free completely. I’ve read most of “The Porn Circuit” and am at 2 weeks of abstaining from any form of sexual activity, I’ve narrowed down my porn usage to a derivative of lust. Lust is the real issue for me — keeping my eyes from going astray — and when I don’t control that it leads to a desire for looking at porn, but very rarely do I look at it. I have always very much wanted to break free, but kill myself in giving in to self satisfaction because I don’t feel I’m getting enough sex, which is my fault to begin with… But I am alone in trying to fix the issues. She has said she doesn’t want to have to deal with it or help because it’s not her problem. I have recently shared that I feel that I need her to see improvement, and that I’d like to share my feelings and struggles with her, otherwise she’ll never “see” improvement or know when it is safe to start trusting me again, but she doesn’t think she can handle hearing it. I can understand that, she’s going through a lot at this point because her father found out he has throat cancer a couple weeks ago. It’s hard enough for her to look at the accountability reports through covenant eyes, everything that she sees that “may be” something and turns out to be nothing just puts her through the emotional roller coaster again, and that really bothers her. The other day I bought condoms in high hopes, but she found I had opened the package and thought one was missing, so she questioned me about it. When she realized there were none missing she was very frustrated she even has to deal with worrying. She has also recently shared that she just feels stuck, and that she can’t leave because we homeschool and she doesn’t have a college degree so doesn’t think she could make it on her own. She also dislikes my family a lot because they don’t treat her well (in a hidden expressive way; on the outside they’re all nice, but often make comments that may have hidden meanings, and it angers her a lot, but I have never said anything to them to defend her because it’s either not obvious or I don’t know it happened at that particular moment [I’m also non-confrontational] so she resents me for that). Those feelings she has shared are partly a result of fluctuating emotions, she has said, and just gets in those moods where she feels that way, most of the time everything seems fine…
This is probably going to be the longest post here… but I guess what I’m looking for in this novel is encouragement. Going on 3 weeks now from abstinence, as well as in hope that our marriage can get better and more secure, I want to know if there’s any way this can be fixed, and we can move on with a more normal marriage. I really want for our sex life to be better, because I desire her so much, and I’m not sure I can handle continuing for the foreseeable future being expected — either by myself or God — to remain free from ANY sexual activity for several years or longer until this can be fixed and we can be expressive together again, but I feel like any expression sexually without my wife is just moving in the wrong direction and tends to progressively get worse…
So… any advice? I would greatly appreciate it!
Have you suggested to your wife that you lack of intimacy is unhealthy and that you would like to explore, with a counselor or pastor, the reasons why this is happening in your marriage?
Just an update on my situation that started when I found out of the extent of my husband’s porn addiction Feb. 2012.
I never thought I would EVER get over it. I will admit I still think often of the words I saw him say to other people, of the disturbing videos I saw, of the possible actions he was contemplating. But I am happy to say , even though we have had a few setbacks, things are on the mend. I am able to understand a little that quite a bit of it was a cry for attention, validation, etc. and it has taken away my anger. There is still an accountability program on the computer and quite frankly, I think it will need to be there indefinitely but very rarely do I check it now. I have stood strong and adamant on what I need to trust again and I feel better about myself. What I want to convey to men AND women is: When you look at your loved one as your only source of intimacy things escalate to heights you could never dream of. What a waste of time it is to look elsewhere, what a waste of time and energy on GARBAGE that could be directed at your loved one. It’s not always easy but definitely worth it. Thank you so much for all the reading material that saved my marriage , and my life.
Hi Ginny. Great to hear about the changes that have happened in your life!
same thing here for me, except its my wife. I am lost for words.
So sorry to hear about your problem, Jason. What happened? What’s her story?
6 months ago I caught my husband masturbating to porn when walking into the computer area with my toddler to bring hin a snack while he was supposed to be studying. I was 7 months pregnant with our second chikd and had never felt more battered, ugly or hurt in my life.
He was very repentant and it was obvious he was sorry he hurt me and ashamed by this addiction. At the time he was very willing to talk but I was too emotional to process anything. We agreed he would form an acountability partnership with a pastor friend and left it at that.
Since then I have questions but he is not willing to answer them pr ecen discuss the issues. He claims that I am constantly beating him over the head with old sin and should be able to just trust him now that he is ‘free’. I know he has made big efforts and some change is definatately occuring. What concerns me is when i go through his phone and ask about something he gets angry that I ‘snooped’ (things i find are possibly innocent like deleted call history) and says I am pushing him away. Not to be crude but I have also noticed he has a partial errection at random times, tiny semen stains are on his underwear and his sex drive is not what I expected of a 30 year old male. We have a LOT of stress in our life right now and just want to know if these things can be normal after abandoning masturbation and the body adjusts?
Because he is making efforts, should I be trying to extend more trust and not look through his phone etc?
Hi Sarah. Your husband sounds like a lot of men I’ve met. On one hand, his efforts are commendable. It is good that you see a change in his behavior. It is good that he has sought out accountability.
On the other hand, it sounds like you both need to set some expectations about what is “off-limits.” I agree: you should have 100% access to his phone and other electronics. No question there. It will work much better, however, if you have a conversation about those expectations.
It could sound something like this: “I know you’ve been upset when I’ve asked you about things and when I’ve checked your phone, so I want to set some expectations so we are on the same page. First, I want to be able to check your phone and computer for the very reason you don’t want me to check it: I want to trust you again. You think I should trust you now, but trust needs to be earned. I have forgiven you, but trust is not the same as forgiveness. If you caught me getting online and chatting sexually with men, and then I confessed that I had been doing that for years, I would expect you not to trust me until I had earned it back. If you indeed have nothing to hide from me, then checking your phone will never be a problem anyway.
“As far as talking to you about this issue, let’s just set a regular time to do it so I don’t ‘spring it on you.’ Let’s set a weekly time to pray about our intimacy as a couple, you can talk to me about how things are going, and we can pray for each other.”
Sarah, as far as the physical effects you’re noticing, more erections, wet dreams, and a change in libido are all symptoms of changes in hormones that happen when a man is “detoxing” from porn. They aren’t indicators that is actually is, but they certainly can be signs of it. More importantly, both of you setting aside time to make love is very important right now (and I mean really making love, not just quick sex; dating and romance included). He needs to build up a new habit in his life that doesn’t search for quick satisfaction but instead uses his sex drive to pursue patient romance with you.
So, i did actually let my husband read what i posted and the response, it seemed to help a lot and i felt relief for being able to confront him about it in a way that didnt cause an argument. We still dont really have sex im am trying to just be patient. We went to see our counselor yesterday and it has left me a bit hopeless and discouraged. He asked if we had talked about any issues at all and what about so i told him about this issue, the counselor didnt say much then but asked my husband to express how he is dealing with going from masturbating several times a week to nothing. My husband said that he has been trying to focus on other things other than sex with me that our relationship does need like quality time with me and the kids. Later we touched on the subject again and the counselor actually said that it is none of my business if my husband masturbates and that it is his responsibility to have his sexual needs met and it is mine for mine too. I did cry and said how am i suppose to be ok with having nothing sexually with him while he has to masturbate to be satisfied, the counselor said that it is a whole other issue and thats where we need to find a medium. The discussion was kind of left open because we were running out of time. Is it ok to leave one spouse with nothing while you’re satisfied doing this. Everything i have learned about getting over this addiction says that masturbation is still wrong and im not sure if he is saying that it is ok but it sure seems like it.He made the next appt one on one with just my husband. I feel hopeless because if we do eventually start having more sex and my husband secretly has to masturbate to meet his sexual needs,how is that ok and what really has changed from his porn addiction other than viewing porn, how is that healthy, i dont want to be in a relationship with someone i cannot sexually please it is unfair to me, honestly who would want that?? I dont know what to do should i change counselors this is our second one, it is extremely hard to find one who has dealt with issues like this and i know starting over again with a new one will frustrate my husband very much but i just dont feel like this is ok, and fear that losing everything we have learned together about fighting this addiction might be at stake.
Wow. Get a new counselor, or at least stop going to that one. That one is filling your head with lies. It is absolutely your business what your husband does with his sexuality. This person has no basis for what they are telling you. (And every sex addiction specialist would tell him that.)
As for your husband, he should not be denying you intimacy in your marriage. Has he said what his hangup is? Does he just want to have more quality time with you to build romance? Great. Do that. Make time for that.
If your husband needs advice from a good porn addiction expert, I recommend he read something by Dr. Doug Weiss, Dr. Mark Laaser, or Joe Dallas. These men understand the need for absolutely honesty and transparency in a marriage when it comes to this stuff.
If you meet with this counselor again, press him on this. Why is it none of your business what your husband does with his sexuality? Ask him that. Remember the truth from 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” Quote that to him. If he rejects this, you know exactly where he’s coming from.
Thank you for your input Fred it is appreciated. Now i know i do need to talk o him about it an it isnt something that will just pass. i do hope he can and will be willing to stop/
my husband came out and confessed to having a porn addiction about a month ago, we have found a therapist and have seen him once. He wants to stop and fix our marriage he is taking all the steps im just not sure he can , he is currently not viewing porn, there are filters on the electrical devices. We have always had problems in the bed room, he just doesnt want me, he never really turns me down when i initiate but never initiates himself. I am having trouble because i thought that once he stopped he would turn to me but still doesnt. I feel like he is never going to want me and we will always struggle with it. I do know that if we cant get thru this i cant be with him i know that it isnt me it is him but i cant take the pain too much longer. We are getting better at communicating about things and i explained to him that it is hard for me to just think that he has stopped completely, i asked ” How can someone go from masturbating to porn several times a week to nothing” he has been taking long showers and i suspect him to be masturbating i asked him if he masturbates still and he admitted to doing it once, i know it was hard for him to even admit to doing it once but this did confirm to me that was what he was doing, i couldnt imagine him admitting to doing it everyday. i dont know what to do, this is just as bad to me as watching porn, the image is in his head and he is still fantasizing about other women. I want to be supportive to him and help him but I cant come out and say things like this because he rarely admits to a lie especially if its one like this where he is telling the truth but not the whole truth and it normally ends in an argument . i dont want to discourage him. i just feel discouraged myself i feel like he isnt in this 100% and we will have to result in getting a divorce. Are there n e women who have dealt with there husband just not wanting them and did it ever get better?
Rhianne, when we as men have been masturbating to porn numerous times a week, a couple of things happen. First of all, since our hands are hooked to our own nervous systems, we know exactly what needs to be done to ourselves at each moment to take ourselves higher in intensity. We get used to focusing on intensity, rather than focusing on intimacy, in our sex lives. Since you are not hooked in to your husband’s nervous system, you can’t take him to the intensity levels he can go on his own. Now, that is no problem in the long run, because as he gives up porn and masturbation and returns to a focus on you and a focus on intimacy, he will be able to respond better to you and feel like initiating, but for now, there is a lot of guilt remaining in him and he likely has trouble initiating or really moving in that direction with you, because his focus is still on intensity. The second thing that happens to male sexuality is that, as long as we focus on the younger, perfect bodies in the porn, our “sexual tastes” can’t grow and move along with the changes that are happening in our wives. While I can back this up scripturally, I don’t have time to do so here. All I can say is that it is difficult for him to be enticed by you, because it is unlikely you are as perfect as those air-brushed images on the screen. God has created our sexuality as men to grow and change and move along with our wives aging, as long as we keep our eyes on her and not on the porn. He hasn’t been doing that. Again, if he stays away from the porn/masturbation and focuses only on you, things will change, but he needs to understand the danger of masturbation. It isn’t just a “moral” issue. It is a phyical, science issue, and if he does it, it will keep the two of you from uniting in the ways you should be uniting and must be uniting. It isn’t a victimless issue, and the one he hurts most is himself, and his sexuality. Perhaps you can share this with him so that he understands what is actually going on in himself, and so that he will be more diligent in winning this battle for purity.