If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
I caught my husband looking at porn.When I confronted him he came clean but I know he was not completely honest.He apologized however when I told him my feelings and how my trust for him was lost he tried to imply he did it so he wouldn’t go out and cheat.Then when he saw me reading this website he said can you just get over it already, and said it was my fault for not being around him alot.I was a full time worker whose job is an hour from my house.i got home 8 or 9 every night.I am Christian and want to work things out but I just found out this morning and he’s already telling me to get over it.He is also Christian. I tried to explain to him that it is cheating in my eyes and in Gods eyes.I don’t know what to do if his attitude doesn’t show remorse how can I stay with him?
First, read Porn and Your Husband if you haven’t already. Then read this blog post for some more practical advice. Finally, you may want to hand him a copy of The Porn Circuit and lovingly explain that while you want to “get over it,” you also know that pornography is addictive in nature and that you want to see him fully healed from it.
And remember: keep praying for him. God can – and has! – softened even the hardest of hearts.
hi guys hoping someone can help give me advice on how to get past my husbands porn addiction. I discovered it a little over three years ago but I didn’t say anything for quite a long period of time. I watched as he got further away from me on a intimate level just little things like giving me a kiss and a cuddle for no apparent reason, communication had broken down and his temper got really bad so a year and a half in of me knowing about it I finally spoke up and told him I knew he was spending hours on porn sites I knew the stuff he was looking at had gotton border line illegal and just down right awful and I told him the way he was treating me and the kids was down right awful. Anyway ill cut a long story short he never took and blame for his actions his excuses have always been its a man thing blah blah I asked him about the porn live chat site he had been on he got very angry at me for not trusting him to the extent I left the table quite upset I fell over and sprained my ankle quite severe before he would even help me up he informed me it was “karma” as I had no right to be having a go at him. Any way I caught him out a few times after this again border line illegal and told him that when I look at him all I see is a dirty old man his porn addiction and the fact that he was not treating me like a porn prop in the bed room I felt like I was just a warm body for him to fulfil what ever was going through his brain in day life he was being rude and mean and at night he would be sweet and kind just to have sex this is how it felt., any way the last time I told him enough was enough he needed to see someone and then WE need to see someone ie a therapist. he said he didn’t need to I needed to trust he he wouldn’t look any more. any way a few months later his awful attitude was back and I now have no way of knowing what he is looking at so I assumed he was back on the porn, we cant communicate because he just gets angry and tries to justify it and turn it around on me and the odd time he has communicated he has said words and that’s all they are its like he is reading froma scipt telling me what I want to hear. he got really aggressive with one of the kids and I told him enough is enough he is to get help or I am leaving I had bought furniture ect and told him this was it he is to see a therapist to work out his issues one a fortnight at the longest gap hi told him once a week would be better but at least an appointment once evry two weeks and then i want us to see a therapist to get the intimacy , trust and communication back So he booked an appointment for early January this year he told me I had to get rid of the furniture so I did he went once I kept asking when he was re booking he said he would I left it a week and asked again he then got angry and informed me he would book when he was good and ready too (its now june and he hasn’t been back) any way I am suppose to have trust in the man I love who has never come to the table to help me heal he has told me I need to trust he isn’t doing anything wrong and leaves it there I haven’t mentioned anything since January but I did go interstate to 10 days in feb too be with my nanna when she passed away when I got back the computer crashed so this already put thoughts into my head because our computer has only ever crashed from his porn use. I asked he said he hadn’t and left it there the week just gone I thought he had been looking up parlours so it opened up old wounds but I do believe he is telling the truth that the kids have hit a button so its the one and only time I actually believe him. But also keeping old wounds open is the fact that he has only initiated sex once in 4 and a half months this is not like him either. So I ask after all this and the fact I cant help but wonder if he slept with an ex years back adding to the trust issues on my behalf I ask how after everything and this is cutting a very long story straight how do we get the help for me to trust him again? I am emotionally drained and exhasusted , sick of being in a relationship with there is no communication, true intimacy and when we try to speak about issues that actually matter and may help us go forward he just yells at me, tells me I need to trust him, and turns issues onto me so how do I heal how do we move forward and how do I trust him again? I do love him but cant keep going like this I crave the love we once had but don’t know what to do to get it back. Any advice ?
Hi Kellie,
It really sounds like your husband is very unwilling to get help or even consider his porn use a problem. He doesn’t want to be open with you, it seems.
At this point I recommend you look into (1) finding some local support for yourself, and (2) think about what you can do to make it abundantly clear that you need to have trust in your marriage if it going to thrive.
You need to have others around you that you can talk to about this situation, people who know you and your husband and can offer good advice. Ideally, a counselor would be good.
You might want to read this article by Ella Hutchinson. It may give you some ideas about next steps for you.
Hello. I just turned 20 a few days ago. I have been married for about a year and a half.. When I met my husband, I asked him up front before we really even started dating if he was into porn, because a previous boyfriend of mine was addicted. He told me no. Fast forward five or so months and we are married. We move away from home. I am isolated from everyone I know but him. He keeps a lock code on his phone but I’m smart and I catch on to what it is. He hasnt been intimate with me in a couple of weeks, and I know thats not normal for a newly-married 24 year old man. I look on his phone. Porn everywhere. Text messages from his buddies about the strip club. Phone numbers and girls names I don’t recognize asking for nude pictures(these texts are from when we were engaged)… He apologizes to me while I cry my eyes and heart out. I eventually let it go. I continue finding porn on his phone for a couple of months then I tell him I am going to leave. He stops for a while. Then later he changes the password on his phone, and constantly hides it. I had been under the impression he was a Christian man, but he has not attended church since we have been together. He has told me he doesn’t pray when I ask him to pray for one of my sick relatives.. I go on in misery not trusting him for months and months, threatening to leave because I cant stand the pain of what he does when I am not around. I end up locking him out of his phone and he has to buy a new one. I tell him if he puts a password on it I will leave. I know it is wrong to threaten him so much, but I know if I am away the pain will fade and I will heal. I dread him coming home from work everyday because I will have to be on my toes and watch his every move. I sneak in the room and snoop on his phone when he is asleep. I am going crazy. Literally my hair is thinning and I cant motivate myself to do anything. Anyway, today I walked by the bathroom going to put his folded clothes in the bedroom, and I heard moaning from the bathroom. The door was locked so I banged on it. He opened it and I blew up at him. He refuses to show me his phone and wont let it out of his sight. He acts suspicious and does these things and in the same breath demands my trust. I am going crazy. I need help, advice, anything. Please. I love my husband very much… Love the sinner, hate the sin… but I guess he doesnt respect me enough to stop..
Hi Tiffany,
Have you read Porn and Your Husband yet? It will lay out some next steps for your marriage. You may even want to have your husband read it, so he has an idea of what his porn use is doing to you emotionally.
Regardless of what else you do, you should definitely seek out professional help for both your husband and his porn use as well as yourself and the trauma you’ve been facing. You may want to ask your pastor for suggestions. And if anyone you speak to tries to brush off his porn use or says you just need to forgive him without addressing his behavior, then find a different person to talk to.
No matter how hard I try I can’t stop looking at porn and lying about looking at porn. My wife doesn’t trust me at all any more and is taking the kids away for good. I even look at it on my work computre at work and at home. Some times I want to give it up but for the most part I don’t want to stop and now I am loosing everything because I still want porn. I need help!!! Please!!
Khris, this is exactly what porn addiction is: much like an addition to alcohol or drugs.
First, understand that there is hope for you in this. Change is very possible. I cannot tell you whether your wife will ever trust you, but if you are willing to make changes in your life, you can break free from this addiction. Thousands have done this. Making these changes may also go a long way to rebuilding the trust.
You would be interested in this free e-book, The Porn Circuit. It will really help you wrap your mind around your addiction.
Give the extend of your situation, I also highly recommend you find some kind of professional counseling for this, preferably someone who has some training in this area. A good group to contact would be Faithful and True. They have an only “self test” for sex addiction. They have 3-day intensive workshops available as well.
Let me know if you want to talk further.
You need to put your wife and family first. Stop being selfish. Wake up from your stupid fantasy. You men take your wife for granted but when you lose the one you hurt and neglected then you want help? Me me me get over your yourself and start respecting the woman you claim to love and married. Now!!!!
I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for finding this site and just downloaded one ebook. I am just beginning my journey of dealing with this. I’ve been married 6 yrs, we had 3 kids in 3 yrs, 5 weeks. We live out of the state we are from, so no family around. I felt I had been pulling away from him emotionally and decided to write him an email. I told him that I know that I wanted to work on myself and that I planned on doing just that and that I didn’t want to keep pullling away from him as I was doing. He is a great familiy man and loves his kids….we’ve been going back and forth about having another one. We both want one, but I’m not sure of the timing as I am going back to school myself and he is in medical school. He is always studying and up late. The specialty he wants to go in would take 6-7 years of him working 80-90 hr weeks. I’m just trying to take in the work I’d have to do on my own and I feel guilty about saying that although I really want another one, I’m not sure if I could balance it the best I could. Anyway…..looked into history after he was acting funny and discovered a site he has visited and numerous deleted history, confronted him, of course he says hes sorry and tells me it started 2 yrs ago…..after looking into the site further, I discovered it wasnt just videos, it was a live web chat. I’m so crushed and just feel overwhelmed. He says that he never joined the site and that its another site that he frequented thats just videos. This was just 3 weeks ago….talked it out, hes trying to be more attentive, I’ve been trying to fix up for him more and we have it more regular. I’ve initiated intamacy twice which is a lot for me…and while I am happy that I’m over coming my insecurities about being self conscious about my body and showing him my emotions and love, I also feel sad….I cant explain it. While it is my husband that I am doing things with and love dearly, its the circumstances with which it developed from that is hurting I guess. I know and feel like I should’ve been there for him more in the past, and I can’t change it, so I am trying to do it now…..but everytime I think about how he’s kept things from me for 2 years…its just hard. I am trying to move forward and we haven’t talked about it since the time it came out. We are both embarassed I guess.
When the kids were younger, under 3, and it was just me doing things, no family around for help, I would be too tired to give him some when he would ask and had told him to use his hands…haha…I caught him looking at something a few years ago and just told myself that it was because I was too tired and that it was ok. He was apologetic. I don’t know the art of femininity and he is the only man I’ve ever been with.
I’m trying to move on now but its hard when I know hes on the computer all the time for school. I was never one of those girls that always asked what he was doing/where he’s at and now I hate that I always want to check the history on the computer if I’m using it. I hate it….
Reading this site has been good, while it hurts me more to read and be reminded that all those images are forever burned in his head and that I will never be able to fill those desires that he has been building while fantasizing about other women over the past years, I know I can only find peace within myself with the hope of the Lord. This site has reminded me to keep Him my focus, instead of worrying about putting out enough and looking attractive enough. I guess that’s all I wanted to say….So thank you for helping me while I begin this journey…..
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry your husband’s issues and your insecurities are colliding. I pray you marriage can recover and grow from these experiences. I hope our education here is helpful to you.
I have read all the threads on here and they all basically say the same thing. Husband cheats and we all try to forgive. I just do not understand. Why must I be the one to forgive? It is not fair. My husband has told me time after time he is sorry but if you are “sorry” you would not have done it in the first place! I use to be a fun loving person now I am always serious and I feel like a physco always trying to see computer history and if we go out in public I watch him like a hawk, apparently I am physco but he made me this way now he has to deal with it. He ask when will you forgive me, it’s been almost four years (since I caught him, that is). Ahh I really would like to trust him again it is just so hard and I do not know how much longer I can live like this. I have read that someone said, it is not that you are not good enough. Well then why? Why would someone want to hurt someone they love so much? Everywhere I turn sex is always there, magazines, computers, tvs, clothing etc…how I am suppose to trust/forgive when we live in a world that is constantly reminding me of my pain? Someone on here said we can’t live in a cave, well that seems like only option…
To can’tseemtoforgive:
I know it’s been sometime since you wrote this but I am just now reading it. I am in your shoes. My radar is up about EVERYTHING. We can’t even go to a ballgame without me watching his eyes. I don’t want to be this way but my self-esteem is so low even after a year and a half. Even when he gives me a compliment I don’t believe him.
What’s scary to me is , there is a person there I don’t know. The person I thought I knew (and trusted) has another side to him that I despise. So, now, who is there? The person I love? or the person I despise? The person that truly loves me? or the person who had no qualms about hurting me? I have 20 yrs of investment in this relationship, there is no one else I want to be with but I’m so scared of being ‘duped’ or hurt again. I know I am the one hurting our relationship now but can’t seem to stop it. Like your husband he has not given me any reason (other than little white lies) not to trust him but I still don’t. Will I ever? Will I ever get my self-esteem and confidence back? My mother used say to ‘fake it till you can make it’ so I’m faking it but inside I’m still lost. I understand how you feel and hope we can find help.
…and I’m not sure if this will be seen or moderated since it’s an old thread, but I will ask what looks to be the common question. Yes, we are both Christians. He plays in our church band, large, well attended church. We attend small group. We are involved. I work in Christian media, and have for most of my career. We have Christian counselors and materials, any book, including yours, on our bookshelves. I have interviewed experts from Laurie Hall, when her book first came out (Affair of the Mind) to, more recently, Emerson Eggerichs. With all that, it doesn’t work without complete honesty accountability. And I am not sure if it’s time to give up on that, considering the illness, and just coast, or keep trying.
Dear Been There,
I can TOTALLY understand your feelings about the honesty issue. My husband, although I know is a decent good person inside, still lies about things. They may be about things small but they are still lies. And he still insists his actions with online porn was ‘nothing and just stupid’. After reading about addiction and dealing with my husband’s previous alcohol addiction I have learned it’s become such a way of life with him to lie and that he truly believes he “has” to to protect me or keep me from getting angry or us having a fight. Why can’t they face the fact that even though we will be hurt or angry about what we hear that it will eventually help things so much. I don’t think they are being honest with themselves actually. How do we lovingly tell them we need that total honesty? I don’t want my husband to be depressed or feel worse about himself than he already does and I’m sure you don’t want to add more stress on your husband but I don’t want to give up my needs either. And I also know I’ll continue to have “meltdowns” without a full accounting and admittance from him. That’s no good for either of us. I also would like to know what I can do to guide him to understand it WAS an addiction. I think I’m going to tell my husband that our marriage can be so wonderful if I understand and maybe he can write a letter ? similar to what they are required to do in AA
Maybe that will be easier than facing me, afraid of my reaction.
Hi Ginny,
Writing a letter may be a good place to start. In regards to his porn use in particular, I’d also recommend having him read two resources. The first is our recovery guide for wives. While it’s written for women like you, we’ve also heard from men who used it to gain insight into their wives’ feelings. Then share this blog post by Dr. Doug Weiss about wives and accountability. Even if you don’t use Internet Accountability software, it’s a good reminder that it is your right as his wife to choose how much or how little you know about his online habits.
If he’s a habitual liar, which is how it sounds from your story, you may want to encourage him to seek professional support to help open up lines of communication and trust in your marriage.
Devastated…I have been there. I pushed away the truth through THREE children. I didn’t know about the porn problem until after our first was born, and literally his stash of photos came drifting down from our bathroom ceiling tiles on a very windy March day. I was recovering from childbirth, and Miss July landed in my sink, right in front of me. From there, we endured some 17 years of lies. He would admit it was a problem, say he was going to give it up, then we would coast along, just until I discovered more. The internet made it easier for him to lie….now we have smart phones. I endured an eating disorder early on after I initially discovered this, thinking I could look good enough to help him overcome this…..major trust issues…..we were separated for two years after 17 years of marriage. I fell into emotional affairs, which I feel is my version of addiction: just looking for the emotional connection missing in my marriage. We began to reconcile after two years of separation, even after I filed for divorce. He seems to have recommitted his life, but I still have trust issues. I think it’s because he is never completely open and honest, so I have this sort of shadow hanging over my head, where I am not sure if there is just so much more I do not know. For example, he became honest only in the past six months about returning to porn while we were separated. So while I was working on becoming closer to Christ, really dedicating myself to God and our children while praying for him, he was back into what tore us apart, but even more heavily and freely I assume. To find this out AFTER reconciliation and a re-courting makes me wonder what else I do not know. He says “nothing” .. he has said that before. To top things off, at the age of 42, as a non smoker, healthy gym rat, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. This just eight months after he moved back home. So….we have terminal illness, the threat of losing him….while trying to rebuild trust. Our marriage is better than ever, but still full of holes from my end. Things I just feel aren’t quite right. He still feels the need to lie about things, saying it’s to protect me. He traveled for work with a female last year, but told me he was with group of guys. I knew he was with a female coworker because an email came through on his phone about the travel plans. Although I do not think he was/is having an affair with her, I wish I wouldn’t have to beg for honesty. He finally admitted it, and said he didn’t want me to worry. Ugh. Hard to rebuild trust with lies.
So…I guess what I am saying is this could be a long and difficult road. And without honesty, total honesty, and openness, it will be futile. I love my husband, forgive him, fear losing him, fear for his faith, but would LOVE to some day feel I know everything, so I can forgive everything.
Hi. This is hard for me, as I have never posted something like this before..but here goes.
I have been married since Aug 2009, and my husband has been watching porn since. He actually told me before we got married and said it was in the past, and so I decided to trust him. I am completely devastated. I have found out he has been watching and contacting other girls(real and far away fantasy ones) over and over again.
I try to forgive him, but his :reformed cleanness” never lasts more than a single month!
And now, the worst part(for this kind of situation) is I’m pregnant. I never imagined living this kind of marriage with a child! My own father had this horrible addiction, with many other issue, and it tore me and my family to pieces. I have seen first-hand what it can do. And now my husband has the same problem! I experienced a lot of pain as a child and teenager-dealing with a lot of warped family issues..and God miraculously healed my broken heart. He gave me joy, life, and hope for my own life and future.
But then why, how could HE let me marry this “Christian” man??
I keep on telling myself I should have left him when I had a chance, but now I’m pregnant!
What am I supposed to do??! I actually came to a mental breakdown this weekend..I felt hopeless…yet when I worshiped God I felt strange joy. I know God loves me.
But I don’t think I love my husband enough anymore to endure more pain. It’s too much.
I can’t raise a child with a man who is not willing to be a man. He has apologized every time, after he is caught. I usually feel it before I find proof on the computer. I do not want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to feel trapped now, especially because of the baby.
Please, I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this because in my heart I have already given up on him. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it’s true. And I hate what I would become if I stay with him any longer. It’s just not worth it. I am planning on moving back to my mother’s house, but not by happy choice-I just know I will need all the help I can get raising a child on my own. I hate that it has come to this, but I have been wishing that I was in heaven, and that I was never born. I am not suicidal, at all, and would never end my life. But this is too much. I wish I was in heaven.
Dear Devastated,
I was not pregnant when I found out about my husband’s extent of his porn addiction but knowing myself I knew I had to ‘get away’ for awhile or I would go crazy. You need to concentrate on yourself and your baby now and if you need to go somewhere else and be with someone who loves you then by all means do it. It was CONSUMING me and my life and it wasn’t MY problem which absolutely infuriated me. Addicts lie. Simple as that. Maybe if you’re not there he’ll realize what he has to lose and straighten up.
I’m going to read the book by Fred, especially the chapters about men’s sexuality and how different it is from ours. I think that’s what I can’t understand because of course I’m not a man and I think to myself “How could you DO that?” If I can understand a little maybe I can ‘let it go’.
Let go and let God. It’s been almost a year and I am healing but at first I wanted to stay holed up and away from everyone. Don’t do that. Stay connected to other people, go places, talk to your Mother about everything and of course you can talk to me. I have been to Al-Anon meetings in the past for his “other” addiction and the one thing they would tell me when I would get upset over what I should do is “YOU DON”T HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION TODAY’
Thank you for the informative comments and also finding out I’m not alone! I wish every man would understand that women are SO attracted to faithful loyal honest men. Being with my husband and KNOWING it’s just us two and how deep our love is is by far the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced as it is with him. Why do men forget that?
I also think the key to getting over the pain and mistrust is that the husband “gets” how much it hurts us. Too many want to make light of it and say it’s “nothing’ as if that will make us feel better. That only hurts us more. Part of deep love is respect. This is an action that says there is NO respect and that is the most painful of all. Respect should be shown at all times, even if the spouse never finds out. And yet I’ll bet every man that has been ‘caught’ would be devastated if their wife left them. Again, why do they forget this?
Hi Ginny. I think it was Paul Newman who said, “Why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?” On one hand we agree with Newman: when you’ve tasted the real thing, why go back to what is inferior? On the other hand, people who love steak still eat hamburgers. People who have high tastes will, at times, rush to the convenience of McDonalds.
A post we recently published talks about this from a neurological level:
This is one reason why men can easily forget and rush after the cheap thrill of pornography.
In the end, what is needed is not just a strong sense of satisfaction in marriage but a ruthless commitment to fight temptation.
Thank you Luke for your comments but it also drives home to me how helpless I am in this situation. As much as I TRY it seems you are saying that I can’t stop my husband from going to ‘McDonalds’ Wow. That hurts.
Things have been good lately although I have not moved back home yet , I am planning on it next month. I still monitor the internet from afar just to be sure. Today I found him looking at beer posters on ebay with bikini babes on it. I overacted. I said I saw it on ebay history but in fact it was on a computer tracker. So, of course he said he pressed on it ‘accidentally’ yet the computer tracker showed he ‘scrolled’ over several pictures and spent much time on one. It may be a small act and rather innocent but just the fact he is so adamant that I’m wrong and he didn’t do anything alarms me. It’s not even the fact now, its the lying about it . I would have been angry if he had said he did it but not as much or as hurt and fearful of our future as I am since he is lying about it. He even swears to God and on his mother’s life. That’s scary. I know he’s not a bad person and would never do anything in person but this compulsive need to look at something or someone else is so devastating in light of what happened in the past. Yet he is so ashamed of what he did that he will never get real help as he would have to ‘tell’ what he was doing . To me, until you admit to yourself it was a serious problem nothing will actually go away, you are just waiting until you can do again. Am I wrong? Can you have a ‘little accidental ‘ slip and still not be in danger of going back to the dark side?
Because what he was saying to other people and how far it was progressing was SO incredibly scary. And JUST when I’m thinking everything is going great and I can relax and trust again. Again, it wasn’t porn but it WAS disrespectful and insulting to me. I am a controlling person lately and very hard on him and I hate that about me, I never used to be that way. He continually says it was ‘nothing’ and let’s go forward not dwell on the past but I’m so unsure. These little things are killing me and I’m sure it is him. He is in deep dark depression since I yelled at him how hurtful and insulting that was but I will NOT let him tell me it was accidental and I accused him of being a compulsive liar. I don’t think our marriage can survive this much longer no matter how much we love each other. It’s been a year now.
Hi Ginny. Yes, in a sense that is exactly what I am saying. Your husband must make specific, conscious, and repeated choices for himself. You cannot make those choices for him or force him to make those choices, nor would you probably want to do so if you could.
This does not mean you are helpless, however. There are steps you can take to guard both your heart and put up helpful boundaries between you and your husband. I recommend several links for you to read:
“Porn and Your Husband” (free e-book)
“True Betrayal” (Christian-based video series for wives)
“7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask” (written by a wive’s counselor)
Not having all the facts of your story, I would give you this word of advice: Believe Behavior. Don’t believe just what he says. He might be telling you the truth, but you simply can’t rebuild trust on words alone. He needs to know that and he needs to hear that from you. When trust has been shattered in any relations, the only way to rebuild it is with trustworthy behavior. To give trust so easily after it has been broken is not loving, it is just foolish.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t show him compassion or understanding. I do believe he needs to be able to say to you, “I recognize that I broke your trust and that you shouldn’t just give trust back to me. I need to earn it. What does rebuilding trust look like to you?”