If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
My husband and I have been married for 3 months now. We are both Christians, from Christian families, but both have probably never fully embraced a relationship with our Lord.
2 months after we started dating, he told me he has struggled with porn since an 11-year old. It was the darkest part of him that he hated, but knew I deserved to know. It was really hard to handle for awhile, but I quickly forgave him, believing it would end. It did not.
Almost a year into dating, I caught him trying to video me changing in his room with his computer webcam. We worked through that as well. He denied it at first, but eventually came clean. That was a bigger hurdle to cross.
All along I have decided to forgive him and move on…despite the pain.
I don’t know why I thought this (knowing how deep sin like this is), but I figured it would all just go away. Especially after we got married. Unfortunately, about a month and a half after we got married, I discovered search history that told otherwise. It was one instance. We tried to work through it. Since then, I have found proof two other times.
I know he is sorry and I know it causes him major pain. It makes him feel dirty and unworthy. I don’t want to bring it up with him, because I know it crushes him to know that I know and am experiencing pain.
My latest struggle, though, is the constant searching. When I get home from work before he does, I scroll through his computer and email…whatever I can look through to try to find where he has fallen. I don’t know if I think it will make me feel better to know exactly what is going on? I have only found proof twice, but thoughts still flood my mind. All day I face the battles, wondering what he has seen, how deep his exposure goes, and if he has ever been involved with anyone online or elsewhere. I cannot help but wonder if anything has been hidden from me, even though there’s pretty solid proof that there isn’t.
It’s this distrust that scares me though. I don’t want to not be able to trust him. He even mentioned how me looking through his computer had caused him to stumble. I’m afraid of what might come of this. I don’t have solid hope that his struggle will stop. We are making positive steps, but how can I fully trust him again when I don’t have solid feelings that he will stop? I’m so afraid to get hurt again.
Is it harmful for me to be looking through his computer and monitoring him? I guess I don’t really know. To me, not seeing anything feels good, but finding what he has seen hurts so deeply. Yet, I keep desiring to look, wondering just how deep it goes and what he is looking at. I am simply lost.
Great question, April. It breaks my heart to heart your story.
There’s no doubt when a woman is reduced to “spying” on her husband, something in the marriage has gone wrong. His repeated untrustworthiness has caused you great pain. Trust is something that should be earned, not just given willy-nilly. You instinctively understand this: this is one reason why you search his web history. You want to see for yourself proof of change, and his browser history is one of the only ways you know how to see change.
I do believe that “spying” is not the ideal solution. He should be voluntarily opening his life to you. Part of the problem for him in the secrecy: this is one of the things that drives the addiction for him. The way out is confession. He needs to get honest with himself and others and talk about the problem. He needs to get honest with you and volunteer the information he has customarily hidden from you all this time.
That said, what do you do in the interim before he’s ready to make that step?
I recommend you dig into the following articles and podcasts. There’s a lot of information that might help you.
1. Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives?
2. 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask – 3-post series by a Christian counselor
3. Including Wives in Accountability Relationships: Who protects the wife when a man protects his secrets? – Post by Doug Weiss
I also highly recommend this video series for wives of porn addicts. Excellent material: “True Betrayal: Seminar Series for Wives of Porn Addicts.”
Grace and peace to you, April.
I have been married for 26 years to a man with a porn addiction. It has affected every part of my life, self-esteem, and marriage. My husband has looked me in the eye and lied to me over this.
I do know that God can change hearts and actions because he has changed my husband. And I am grateful for that. But here is my question…when we had our last big blowup over this and I told him I was tired of living this way, we agreed on certain things he would do..internet filter, accountability, etc.
My problem is this: he did these things for awhile, but only for 6 months or so. He says he has a new understanding of his problem and has been delivered or “relieved of the burden”. HOW do I trust him when he no longer acknowledges the problem or that he ever had a problem? I am finding it very hard to trust. Every time he watches a movie that has some nudity in it I find myself right back in the middle of the pain. He doesn’t seem to understand this or think it is a big deal. I love this man but I don’t know if I can ever really trust again. And if I can’t, then I wonder if our marriage is really any better off than it was all those years he was lying to me?
Hi Amy,
First, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your pain. Men often have no idea how deep this hurt goes.
As for your question, I recommend first you talk with him about what rebuilding trust looks like to you. You may be baffled somewhat by that question yourself, but a basic rule for rebuilding trust is “Believe Behavior” (read this brief article by Doug Weiss about that). Don’t believe what he says, believe what he does. He needs to know what behaviors you are expecting that will help you to know you can trust him again.
It is also important for him to understand what you are expecting regarding his disposition. Believe his behavior, yes. But what he says can also be an indication of his heart and his understanding of how much he’s hurt you (this excellent article by Joe Dallas is about that.) It would probably build your trust far more if he was at least verbally acknowledging the seriousness of his sin.
Tell him, “You may have overcoming some hurdles, and if so, that’s great. But understand that trust is something earned. I am willing to trust you again, of course, because I love you. But it isn’t an automatic thing. Here’s what rebuilding trust looks like to me. It means you continue to acknowledge that despite your growth, you are still temptable. It means you need to understand that I don’y draw a sharp line between porn and the nudity in a mainstream movie: both are meant to provoke lust. It also means if the tools you were using before to keep you ‘back from the edge’ were working (accountability, filtering, etc.) then I want you to keep using them. Even if you have gained a measure of victory, those tools are as much to help me as they help you: they help me see how serious you are about this.”
Start there and see where the conversation goes.
Thank you so much for your reply. I think I just needed someone else to say yes, this is a terrible thing. I think you are absolutely right about the reason for photoshopping my face into the pictures. I caught him a couple of years ago playing around with photoshopping just my image, making my clothing more revealing, etc. He justified it by saying that there is nothing wrong with lusting after your own wife. I think this is an obvious progression from that, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, or any less frightening.
Now he knows that I’ve seen the images. The last 2 days he has come home from work and gone straight to our room, where he lies in the dark by himself. He hasn’t talked to me and he hasn’t touched his computer. He leaves me notes when he leaves at 4 a.m. for work saying he is ashamed to face me, that he will go anywhere that I want (counseling) and how bad that he feels that I’m hurting, etc. But he has not apologized or said a word about what he has done. His Bible is lying on the counter where he left it after church on Sunday. That is what concerns me the most (what is going on with him spiritually). I know that we won’t make any progress until he is broken before the Lord over this.
One final question. I am actively seeking help for both of us, and I am strongly leaning towards a ministry that offers nouthetic counseling and specializes in addictions. Any thoughts on this? Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
Thanks for letting me know what is going on. It is good he is facing the shame of his actions. Of course, I would hate for that shame to become so toxic he runs from you and God and everyone who could help him, but it is good for him to face the shame of his choices. It will make the grace of God all the sweeter when he encounters it.
I agree: a good nouthetic counselor would be very good to find. Have you tried looking on the NANC directory? I’m not sure you can search via speciality, but my suggestion would be to start calling some counseling offices in your area and get a sense for their personal experience with sex addiction.
My husband has struggled with porn in the past, but yesterday I found that for the last six months he has been downloading pornographic images and photoshopping my face onto the women. There were at least 50-100 of these images. He has created porn with ME as the subject, with other men treating me like an animal. Some of them show me bound & gagged & other frightening things. These were stored on a computer that my children use every day! I am devastated on so many levels. He is supposed to be my protector. It should be horrifying to him to see pictures of other men abusing me sexually, yet he has created them for his pleasure. This goes far beyond a “porn” problem, does it not? I have not found anything like this addressed in the many online resources I’ve searched. I do not know where to turn for help.
Hi Melissa,
I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you feel right now. I agree, this is more than just a “porn problem.” Usually an obsession with porn is far more than just a porn problem, but in this case there are a number of complications. First, he appears to be into some sadistic material. Porn typically blurs the lines between pleasure and pain, and because of this he is now linking sexual pleasure with harm (at least in certain instances). Second, he isn’t thinking about how others might be exposed to this same material (like your children) which is very distressing.
Third is this matter of him photoshopping your face on the women. Without conversing with him, it’s impossible to know for sure why he’s chosen to do this, but if I were to wager a guess, it might be a way he justifies looking at porn. He might feel like his lust isn’t a problem if he’s thinking about you in the process. Of course, this is ridiculous for many reasons. (1) He has to get the original images, which means he has to subject himself to likely thousands of pornographic images to to get the ones he wants. (2) Even after being photoshopped, the images are still a vehicle for his lust. Those photos, no matter how cleverly edited, are not you.
There may not be many women who have experienced this kind of problem before, but it is not unlike many other twisted forms of porn addiction. He needs to be confronted about this. He might try to justify himself by saying that he was trying to be faithful to you by making you the center of his fantasies, but if this is his plan, it is actually counterproductive. They are robbing your marriage of intimacy. They are filling his mind with unrealistic expectations. They are driving him more inward into fantasy, not outward toward real romance. They are training him to sexualize violence. They are training his mind to objectify you. (He can read more about this in the free e-books we have on our website.)
I recommend he seek help for this problem from a trained counselor.
As for you, I know all of this must seem shocking and terrible (because it is). It is really important for you that you seek some help yourself. Don’t go through this alone. Just as sure as he needs help to change his heart, so you need support as you decide what needs to happen next.
I think it does.Im in no way a professional but thats just scary and way creepy.Be careful and smart.
My husband has had a problem with porn since before we were married 11yrs ago. Although every incident has left me hurt, I have just recently realized that it is an actual addiction. Every Mans Battle has really opened my eyes to the depth of the problem. Although my husband is going to counseling and support groups, I cannot trust him, and am constantly worrying about who he’s looking at, thinking about, etc. I don’t even enjoy going out anywhere with him for fear of him seeing attractive women. I have been told over and over that this is not about me but I can not seem to separate myself from his problem and I am so insecure with him. Although we are both getting help, many days I feel completely hopeless. Can I ever really get over this and the pain I feel from it?
My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary last weekend and just last night, I asked to see his phone and he deleted all of his history on it before giving it to me. I suspected something was up so I wouldn’t stop asking what it was until he confessed. He told me that he had a porn problem before we got together and now he just looks at it when he’s ‘bored at work’. I have been lied to about this for almost 3 years and i’m crushed. He says he’s never going to look at it again and that he’s so sorry he hurt me and that he will do anything to get my trust back. We have a one year old and one on the way. I feel so disgusting, like i’m not good
enough. I told him that I can’t trust him to use his smart phone anymore and so he said he’ll go back to his old phone that doesn’t have internet. did I do the right thing in taking away the smart phone? I feel like i’m just being controlling. I hate that I can’t trust him.
Hi Sarah. There are a number of issues here to consider. First, I do think it was wise for him to give up use of his smartphone, at least for now. If it is a stumbling block for him, it might be best for him to be without it for a while. Another option is that he agree to use an accountability service for his smartphone. This will monitor where he goes online and send reports to someone he trusts to hold him accountable. It has been a very effective tool for men who struggle in this area.
Second, your emotional reaction to his porn use is quite justified. You’ve been lied to. Your husband’s eyes have feasted on images of other women. Your outrage, hurt, and disgust are normal reactions to his betrayal.
Third, understand that not being “good enough” is a common lie women in your position believe. To someone who retreats to pornography, no one woman can live up to a fantasy world. In that fantasy porn world, he is the only thing that matters: the women in that world exist to satisfy him. This is one reason why men like porn so much: it is a place to escape from “real life” where they can feel all-important and attractive and can cater to their selfish whims. In marriage, men are called to die to themselves and serve their families.
Fourth, I can’t tell from your comments, but on the surface it sounds as if he’s trying to make amends. This is a good thing. Be encouraged that he says he doesn’t want to look at porn anymore. But always remember: don’t believe what he says, believe what he does. Believe behavior. As he shows a good track record of staying away from porn, this will help to build trust over time.
Last, your question: Are you being controlling? Only you can answer this for yourself. Perhaps you believe you are being controlling (maybe that’s what prompted you to write your comment). If so, then acknowledge this is not a road you want to go down and choose an appropriate action. Confess to your husband that you don’t want to be controlling or manipulative. Talk it through with him. Perhaps there are other men in his life that can shoulder the burden of holding him accountable to his actions. I would highly recommend this so you aren’t always carrying the burden of being the “spy” in his life. (This video shows a couple that has learned this lesson. You can also read her story in this e-book we compiled for wives in your position.) Remember this: There may be rightness in your actions even if the motives are not right. It may be good for him to give up his phone or have some protection on it, even if you were motivated to take it away because you wanted to “control” him. Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
Is it ok for husband to keep bringing up the virtous wife scirpture? Push his wife around..call her the problem. Caught him looking at porn…a good few times..on computer to phone. Battle is to forgive and trust..I forgive and try and trust. Could it be we was not supposed to be? I see he uses me as forgiving him that i forgot. I do the schools and he is on his mobi. What makes is worse he hss put bing private search browser our computers saying that system is much better. I have three daughters and i am concerned how he treats me. He says he doesnt want to go church with me as i am not a virtous wife. I may as well hang my boots and say i am going to hell in his eyes. I pray..when all is ok he is great but it seems he tries to come up with thing to upset me and make it like its my he is the way he is. I feel like throwing in the towel. I mean he makes statements like i dont listen to him over ten years since we have been together. So he doesnt care if it bothers him that it bothers me helate on the computer and if i decide to stay up with him he latet goes to bed and then he is on his cell phone. It makes me sad and upset as a person. I have been faithful to him all the way. My only concern now is my walk with Christ and my kids. He is mentally draining me out and if it wasnt fir Christ i would have been long gone. Our love life was fine till i caught him. I do pray for him i also pray asking the dear Lord that my husband doesnt make fool of me. So then i catch him again. That was a over two years ago. What are the scriptures for a good husband? How can any women be happy with a man who doesnt acknowledge Christ.
School runs..sorry for typo errors.
Dear R,
In the last line, you say your husband is not a Christian, yet you say he keeps bringing up the scriptures regarding a “virtuous wife.” I’m not sure why he is using scripture to twist you around when he isn’t a Christian. When it comes to men leading their homes in a way that Christ approves, I think the most important scriptures come in Ephesians 5, and I’ve delved deeply into what that should look like every day in practice in my book Every Man’s Marriage. It comes in book and audio format, and I think it would give you a good picture of what it is supposed to look like. If you could get him to read it, I’m sure it woule help, but again, if he isn’t a Christian, I’m not sure. If a husband does not acknowledge Christ, I’m not sure how an woman can be happy. She can continue to live before him in Christian love and have peace that she is doing the right thing. So she can have some form of peace. But true happiness and connection? That is unlikely.
thank you………
I am tired of all of it………….tired of having to check computer use……….tired of being the iron to sharpen…………tired of feeling guilty if I don’t have sex often enough………..tired of all this. I remember a time I thought I married a man of integrity…………now, we are always having to deal with this. To his credit, he has made great strides………..we now have Bible study…..we pray…….he goes to acct. group. He is moving from dishonesty and secretiveness to honesty and openess. Even so………..when he is honest and tells me of a slip up……….it hurts and yet I am suppose to say……..”Thank you for being honest with me…….and let it go”. He says it’s hard to be honest when he knows I will be hurt………….the rock and the hard place. So…….this is our life. The elephant is always in the room………….never goes away. I am just tired of it…………..that being said, I find encouragement that others with much more difficult scenarios are still hanging tough. I just feel sad………………
Brittany, I understand your discouragement. Our loving Father put us in families (physical and spiritual) that we might encourage one another. I hope that I can encourage you to focus on the progress he has made rather than letting disappointment, sadness, anger, bitterness, or any other negative thought process pull you down into discouragement and wanting to give up. When we take those destructive thoughts captive (2Cor 10:5) by refusing to dwell on them, and instead replace them with God-honoring thoughts and speech (Php 4:8, Eph 4:29-32), even though it is hard, it does produce joy because it’s Christ-like. It will produce the fruit of the Spirit in YOU regardless of what he is doing. I would also encourage you to use every opportunity to praise the progress and pray for the stumbles. Let him sense your partnership with him in his growth and maturity, and you will someday rejoice with him in the victory you both have attained by your perseverance! My prayers are for you to focus upward more than sideways! It will make all the difference in your own personal joy and contentment, even in the midst of a difficult trial (Jas 1:2-4). May the Lord be your strength and encouragement today and always!
I can so understand the constant pain. I thought I married someone with whom I could trust (in that way) and found not only porn but chat room and a separate phone and email to talk with others and watch porn together. It started out as just learning to ‘help’ us. The odd part is, we were having wonderful sex and often. I love and am so attracted to him, but addiction is addiction. The bitterness is deep because he started lying despite my proof and tried to tell me it’s because he was bored because I was working every day. He’s a grown man and HE is responsible for his own actions. The best advice I’ve read here today is for the man to be patient. I flip flop between total love and devotion knowing he’s sorry and has stopped because he never meant to hurt me and acting like a complete maniac because I think of all those things and my insecurity and hurt shows as anger. Trying to get my confidence back is the hardest. I am very attractive but attention from other men does not make me feel better. I read where even models and beautiful actresses get cheated on and have the same problems so it’s not looks anyway. Truth is, I can’t compete with porn stars, but the truth to me is “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO”,
If men would just stop to think about how they would feel if we did that they would never do it. I feel sad too but it’s starting to take a backseat to optimism and love, Little by Little. No one’s perfect, I’m sure not!
I just found out six days ago that my husband has been viewing porn on the internet our entire nine years of marriage. I knew he viewed it when he was single but was naive obviously .I figured the forsaking all others in our marriage vows stood for ALL others.Since my discovery of the computer history I have asked him for a divorce,he has asked me to go to counseling as a couple, I agreed.In the meantime I have been trying to educate myself and even though I realize he’s not just a masterbating male that needs visuals but has a serious problem all these blogs I’m reading are just discouraging I feel more hopeless than I did two days ago.Women are still finding their husbands viewing porn after years.I haven’t asked my husband the deep questions yet.Im afraid.I love him but how does a marriage survive without trust.How can you truly ever trust your husband again.Especially if you spend the rest of your life checking up on him like a child and waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Great questions, Kelly.
I don’t think a marriage can survive without trust. I couldn’t live in the kind of situation where you do have to check up and you’re always on alert. Your husband absolutely does have to do the work to ensure that he is trustworthy, and that will only happen by trustworthy behavior over time.
I think there are two kinds of trust that need to be rebuilt: behavioral trust (he does his recovery work faithfully) and emotional trust (he cares about how you feel and invests emotionally in the relationship). Here’s an article I wrote a while back that explains.
There are a couple of books you might find helpful: Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend; The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman.
Thank you for your suggestions. I will be contacting Avenue and have ordered Tactics. I so appreciate you and Brenda’s ministry. You have given me many words of hope over the past few months.