If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal, there can be no dancing around the issue. The root of the problem is his behavior. When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust, there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns, because trust is the basis of all relationships.
The trouble is, when it comes to trust, there’s a catch. No matter how desperately you want it, you can’t manufacture trust on your own. Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy, and you must trust again. Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to the table.
Neither will be easy to provide. Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part, and that’s no small task. On your end, trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God, in spite of your scars. That won’t be easy, either.
– Brenda Stoeker, Every Heart Restored
To rebuild trust, the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again. A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy). Men don’t always like that first responsibility, but it is true.
Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help, of course. For instance, Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so, no matter how badly I treat her or betray her. She can forgive me over and over again, even if I never ask her to do so. She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return.
But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this. Trust can only exist in relationship. Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around. Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent, faithful actions. Without right actions, I can’t have her trust. If I want her trust, it’s all on me.
You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man. You made the mess. You need to clean it up. There will be no trust until you become trustworthy, which means she’ll need at least three things from you:
1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty
These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear. Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands:
“My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is. About two years ago, we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet. He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance. Whatever!
Several months later, after moving into our house, I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer, and he said he had it in his Navy bag. When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover, and it was addressed to him.
Recently, when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman, he said it started last December. Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July. I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day.
While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary, I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.”
Of course it is, because her husband is not being completely open and honest. How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs. She deserves that. The party’s over, my friend. It is time to quit hiding, and to be who you say you are.
2) Your Patience as She Heals
Your wife deserves all the patience she needs, too. Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care, and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else. You wounded her. You need to help her heal.
Make no mistake, the damage is real, and healing takes time. Megan describes her experience:
“My husband and I are four months into recovery, and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me. However, I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again. Sure, our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously restored. Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again. I feel like such a hypocrite. My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging, but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit. Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?”
These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately. She’s been crushed and turned inside out, and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually. Don’t get discouraged. Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently. She’ll catch up.
Besides, your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance, and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her. If you don’t have patience, it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved, and it should be to you as well. It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God. Some husbands get irritated and complain, “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse, and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place. A deeper repentance is definitely in order.
3) Your Trustworthy Acts
You must give your wife every right to play a role in defining what “trustworthiness” means to her in your marriage, and she must be able to count on you to come through for her on these issues. For instance, if you don’t like to read, but she needs you to read Every Man’s Marriage as a follow-up to Every Man’s Battle as a sign of commitment from you, you need to read it or listen to the audio version of the book. If she defines trustworthiness as you attending marital counseling with her, you need to go. You need to show your trustworthiness in the way she needs to see it.
She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life. You must be the one buying the accountability software, and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area, like the family room or breakfast nook. You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family, and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group. As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done, she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to, and not because you want to in your heart.
I’ve been married for 13 years and last November I found pornography on our computer. In a flash, I knew why we had the “same fight” over and over. You see, my husband would not initiate sexual intimacy. I had to ask and he would make promises and then continue to show no love. Oh, I was okay to hold hands with, cuddle and give back rubs to but if I wanted more or was led to believe there was more a fight was likely to happen. There were no gifts given to me for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and Valentines. On our 3rd wedding night he told me that we did not have to have sex that night. I was crushed from the beginning. He spent the first 6 months of our marriage saying he didn’t understand that I wanted intimacy–hmmm I was naked for him or I was physically stroking him. Then it became worse as I knew something was very different. Now I know he started with the porn. He has said that there have been times, even a couple of years, when he hasn’t looked at it. His behavior never changed while viewing or not viewing. Well, I guess he was more cruel while hooked on the stuff. Now he is doing EMB, going to counseling and we are reading Every Man’s Marriage and Every Heart Restored. Yet almost weekly he still rejects me physically. How can I ever trust him when he promises to do better yet does the same thing week after week? He “found” God again but I don’t believe he even knows how to fear God. Lying, blaming and meanness are not fruits of the spirit. We met at seminary and were preparing to be missionaries but I’ve only watched him be religious when appropriate and then selfish when he wants to. I’m so tired of holding his feet to the iron and being treated harshly once again–as far as I know he isn’t looking at porn but what hope do I really have because he has always treated me with contempt while thinking he “really loves” me. I’m strong on my own now since EHR and counseling. I am worth so much more and I’m sure my heavenly Father is not pleased. We have 4 children so whatever action I take does not only affect me. How long can this go on? What are some things I can do while waiting for him to grow up?
It is very difficult to give advice on something like this beyond generalities because I just don’t know enough about your situation, although you shared enough to make it clear what is going on. I will just say a couple of things. First of all, your husband has a problem with intimacy with you, that’s true. But what seems clearer to me here is that he has a HUGE problem with intimacy with God. Because of that, he can be spiritual when he has to be, but not spiritual when he doesn’t want to be. That connection with God would keep that from happening. In my book Tactics, there are important truths that would help him connect with God, if he woudl do them. Chapters 13-15 would be especially important, and Chapter 14, especially. Chapter 14 teaches things that you and your husband could actually do together, and it would help your intimacy and oneness, as well. I think that you should read Tactics, as well, as I think it might open your eyes to the connection between “intimacy with God” and porn and masturbation. It would be very helpful. My wife Brenda also suggests that you might connect with Susan Allen’s ministry, called Avenue. Susan co-wrote The Healing Choice and The Healing Choice Guidebook with Brenda, and Avenue connects women in your situation with weekly small group discussions/support, either in your area or by 800-number conference calls. It is very effective, and Brenda thinks that in a frustrating situation like yours, that this would be very helpful to you. You can read the books and work through the Guidebook on your own, but the small group discussions can be extremely helpful.The best contact info for Susan’s organization is:
women@avenueresource.com
877-326-7000 toll free
This email address goes directly to Susan’s volunteers teams. These are “alumni facilitators” who will connect with you by email (or phone if requested). I recommend email over the toll free number, as the telephone call center can only take information via voice mail. Use the phone number only if you don’t have email access.
Avenue’s website is: http://www.avenueresource.com/
I have been married to a fantastic christian woman for 17yrs now and we have 3 beautiful daughters together. I have struggled with pornography most of my life. I finally realized about 8-10 yrs ago that this was an issue.Through out this time, I have confessed numerous times to my wife about it but never sot out help regarding it, even though I had said I would. 2 1/2 weeks ago, I finally confessed once again to my wife about my struggles with using pornography, and she has asked me to move out and get help. I feel at a total loss. Since then, I am now seeing our pastor once a week, as well as another man who has been in a program similar to alcoholics anonymous but for porn once a week. I have also downloaded the program X3watch onto our computers including my work computer and have asked my best friend as well as my employer to be be my accountability partners in this. I have also read your book everyman’s battle and have ordered everyman’s marriage. I have been reading a few other books on building relationships within couples as well. I have also been researching rebuilding a marriage after infidelity online. And most importantly, I have been praying and recommitting my life to God. I understand that all of this is late in the game and I have hurt my wife dearly as well as shattered any trust that was there. She has recently told me that she doesn’t love me and isn’t sure she wants to try to work this out. I love my wife dearly and I want to reconcile our marriage, I am just not sure if she wants to and it scares me. I am willing to do what ever it takes to win her back but I am not getting any positive response back. I believe that she is still really mad and hurt and these lack of responses are her way of letting me know. I accept ALL responsibility for my actions or lack of. She is not being mean in her actions towards me and says I can still come over every couple of days for supper (for the kids). We can still sit and talk about stuff but she does not want to talk about us. How do I talk to her about seeking forgiveness? Is it still too early? Is there anything else I can do to show her I am making an effort to beat this thing? Should we seek counseling together? What can I do to earn back her trust?
Sometimes it can take awhile for a wife to respond. The most important thing she is going to need to see from you right now is change, not in your words, but in your actions. Books like my “Every Man’s Marriage” would be very good for you right now, as well as the ones on purity. My book Tactics talks about the spiritual side of the battle for purity, which is also critical for you. Chapters 13-15, and especially Chapter 14, will be life changing in your relationship and intimacy with God, and this can help you put the sin to rest. You sound very motivated, and that is the key. As for your thoughts on broaching forgiveness, I doubt if your wife has a forgiveness issue. It is more likely that she has a trust issue. You’ve shattered her trust. Crushed her heart and her dreams. The funny thing about trust is that she can’t do it alone. She can’t just decide to trust you, so there is no way for you to rush her in this, to rush her to choose to trust. Nothing you can SAY is going to compel her to trust you. The only thing you can DO to help her trust is to become trustworthy. If you become trustWORTHY, she can risk trust again. So continue on the great path of healing that you are on, and become trustworthy. God will do the rest, according to His grace.
I married right after my 20th birthday and have now been married for 24 1/2 years to someone who didn’t exist. Everything I thought he was I found out to be a lie. I asked if porn was a problem before we married due to background- wouldn’t have married him if he’d been honest and he knew that. He’s now getting help and we’re in counseling, but only because he got caught. I know he’s really trying to save our marrage but I see little hope. It’s not like I can enjoy a movie or even go to a store with him on date night(omg the lingerie dept., the magazines……). Trust was always my most important requirement and it’s no where on the radar. The paranoia is driving me crazy! We can’t live in a cave and I know I can’t control him, I’d just be happy to emotionally disengage. Even if he is trying, I’m a major mess and not a positive help right now. How do I let go enough to let him regain the trust he wants? Is it worth it? If he can’t lose the porn problem I don’t want to heal only to call the marriage over in 6 months or 3 years later. It would be easier to get it over now. The children (ten total, ages 23-3) may not know the details but they know it’s strained, we’re getting help and it’s taking a toll on them too. He expects me to support and help him; I’m struggling just trying to breath. The honest, principled, highly moral Christian I thought he was never existed and I’m finding little to connect with.
It isn’t easy to find our that your whole marriage has been a lie. My wife and I talk extensively about that in our book Every Heart Restored. And restoring trust is impossible until he becomes trustworthy again. You can only trust someone who is trustworthy. Once they’ve been untrustworthy, they have a lot of hard work to do in order to become trustworthy in your eyes, as the wife. And there is no way for a husband to rush that process. He has to focus on himself only, and focus on retraining his mind and heart when it comes to the sensuality in his environment. That is the key to rebuilding trust. Then you WILL be able to see a movie or go to a store without those feelings. has been over twenty years since I’ve looked at porn, and it has, in fact, been over twenty years since I’ve even surfed the channels to find sensual shows or surfed the web to find sensual imagery or pictures. My wife has told me recently that for years she’s been watching what my eyes do when hot billboards or joggers or girls in bikinis appear in my path, and she has never once caught me in over twenty years doing anything but what a Christian man should do in those situations….look away. So, I’m trustworthy. Brenda said it this way in Every Heart Restored: “I feel incredible security knowing that I’m married to a man who keeps his eyes to himself. Even after four babies and twenty-four years of aging together, I live unthreatened by any women around me. Fred loves me for me and is very satisfied with who I am and what I’ve become.
When my husband prays, I’m confident that nothing is hindering his connection with God. If I knew of dark hidden areas, I’d have no faith that his prayers would even rise to the ceiling, but I’ve seen how a pure man’s prayer packs a spiritual punch.
My confidence in Fred’s spiritual protection is unbounded. I never wonder if there are open cracks in our spiritual defenses where the Enemy can slip through into our lives. Christianity is not a game to him, and image means nothing. He’d rather be a Christian than seem like one.
Fred has every right to make the decisions for our family because it’s God’s plan, but even if it weren’t, he’s earned that right through his actions. He’s proven in battle that his commitment to the Lord and his love for his family are the highest priorities in his life, and we simply rest in his strength.
This normal, godly pattern leaves everyone flourishing, and this wouldn’t be possible if blatant sin were clogging things up. I know who he is, and, in the secret places of life, I know where he will not go in his mind or with his eyes.”
If your husband becomes trustworthy, you can have this, and the paranoia will be gone and you will be able to have a normal life of date nights and shopping and everything else. But two questions have to be answered: (1) Will your husband crucify this sin in his life and (2) Will you stand with him as he fights for victory and will you still be with him at his side to celebrate that victory? In other words, will he be trustworthy in the midst of this mess? And if he is, will you be trustworthy and will you still be there? Neither question is any more important than they other. There are ten children whose eyes are glued on this situation and your husband’s decisions and your decisions will determine how they view men, women, and marriage for the next decades stretching out before them. There is a lot riding on all this. None of this is easy. I’m just saying that if your husband is really working on this, going to counseling, reading books like “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics”, and getting serious with God, then there is great hope. Don’t be impatient with yourself. There is no rush here to “trust him.” You won’t have to live in a cave. You won’t have to control him. Eventually, he’ll learn to control himself, right out there in the great big wide-open world.
There is no real hope for men with porn probems. My husband has looked at porn his whole life and has lied about it and other things his whole life. I never knew porn was a problem until after we were married and honestly if I would have known who he really was I would not have married him. He is fearful, cowardly, spiteful, mean and insecure. He lies and makes no real changes. He says he’ll change, he’s gone to counseling but does nothing on his own. He doesn’t follow through with books, reading, behavior changes. He doesn’t share emotions, lustful thoughts or feelings or things that happen with women during the day. My life has stopped because because I’m constantly preparing for his day, what he’s doing, what we need to talk about and offering “support”. There is no support that this type of man can get from anyone. He is weak and selfish and full of excuses. This has been going on for 5.5 years and we have been in counseling for 3 years. Unfortunately, no more books or counseling can help this man. He is to scared to make any real changes. I thought he would be a good husband because he was kind, but who he is to the real world is very different than how he is in “dark.” My husband is a Christian and we go to church. It’s all for show with him though. He hasn’t made any changes in his heart though because his behavior never changes. He never discusses it or shows any initiative. He only does what other people tell him to do to just appease him. I though he just needed to grow up or grow out of it but he’s 34 and years of marriage now. During and after counseling he looked at porn and even did it as recently as 4 months ago. I saw porn on the computer after we go back from church. He denied it was him until 1:00 AM in the morning. He has showed me over and over that he is not trustworthy and I would be a fool to trust him.
Dear Florida,
You began with this statement: “There is no real hope for men with porn probems.” That is a very normal response from someone in pain, and especially from someone who is married to a man who likely isn’t Christian at all (judging from your own statement that there is no fruit in his life and judging from Christ’s statement that we will know His followers by their fruit). Without God’s indwelling presence, perhaps you are right–there is no real hope. After all, your husband is showing no signs of repentance that might lead to hope. But to say that “there is no real hope for ANY man with porn problems” is to deny Christ and His truth. Christ promises that men can do all things through Him, as He strengthens them, and that includes changing men who are stuck in porn. That is not only true in theory, Biblically, but it is also true in practice. It has been over twenty years since I’ve looked at porn, and it has, in fact, been over twenty years since I’ve even surfed the channels to find sensual shows or surfed the web to find sensual imagery or pictures. My wife has told me recently that for years she’s been watching what my eyes do when hot billboards or joggers or girls in bikinis appear in my path, and she has never once caught me in over twenty years doing anything but what a Christian man should do in those situations….look away. If you say that “there is no real hope for men with porn probems,” what do you do with MY testimony? What do you do with the hundreds of testimonies I receive in emails from men every year who are experiencing victory after reading my books? If your husband were to first get serious with God and then read books like “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics,” he could definitely change and there would be great hope. Furthermore, as you would read my wife Brenda’s two books, “Every Heart Restored,” “The Healing Choice”, and work through “The Healing Choice Guidebook” by Susan Allen, and then join one of Susan’small groups over the phone, you would be able to get the help and support you need to help guide your husband back into truth and freedom. There is always hope for every man stuck in porn, if he gets serious with God and serious with himself. There is always hope for every wife who turns to the Lord for healing.
My husband was caught on porn once he knows I hate porn I mean what do you get off on porn if you have a beautiful loyal wife he apologized and said he would never do it again and once again I caught him if he can just over other woman then when the opportunity comes he will cheat he says he’s sorry but I forgive him I think but the trust is gone I haven’t slept and feel like giving up I can’t do this any longer how can I ever trust a man that lusts over other woman I feel our marriage is coming to the end
Hi Diana,
If trust were to be rebuilt, your husband would have a lot of work to do! That’s his job: to monitor his devices, to attend therapy, to find a group, to do his work. If he doesn’t do that, then you’re wise not to trust him, because he’s not being trustworthy. While you’re waiting to see if he’s going to do his work and become trustworthy, build healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles that should help. Take good care of yourself by finding a therapist, a group, and checking out the online resources at Bloom. No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy! peace, Kay
I’ve been married for almost a year now and 2 nights ago I caught him watching porn.I’ve had problems with it before and he apologizes and say it will stop and I thought it had.We recently got cell phones with the internet on them and thats how he’s been watching it I guess.What hurts is that before I caught him, he had put me to bed and told me he love and was like he was going to watch tv in the family room for awhile.Hours had passed and he still wasnt in bed,the tv was down really low,so i got up to see what he was doing.Anyway,I caught him looking at it in his phone.Once i asked him about it, he became so defensive and almost angry that i had caught him.My feelings are just so…..hurt and my trust for him is gone. Im pregnant at the moment so i’ve been super emotional these past few days.Its scary to feel like he’s lusting after other women and maybe that would somehow lead him to cheat on me in the near future.I hate having to wonder now what he’s doing while im not around because I know in my heart that he will bold face lie to me….I’m just really scared for my relationship right now.I pray that God mend my broken heart.
Dear Nia,
You didn’t say whether your husband is a Christian or not. If he is, it would be good to insist that he read both “Every Man’s Battle” (which teaches how to control the eyes) and “Tactics” (which teaches a man why his emotions drive him to sexual sin). Both are written by me, Fred Stoeker.
You see, this is not an issue with you or about you, Nia. It isn’t about how you look or whether you are enough for him. This is about HIS sin and HIS choices and HIS addiction, and how he has been choosing to deal with the stress and pain in his life for years. He surely had this sin in his life long before he met you, so it isn’t really about you. It is about him. So, he needs to address this and attack this and admit that it is wrong.
Of course, as his wife, you can be his helpmate in this situation and help prod and push him to a higher level of Christian walk, if you choose to. After finding out about this addiction in him, you can feel broken and victimized and feel confused as to what to do next. You can feel paralyzed. But you need to push through that and, in a sense, get angry. The enemy is trying to steal your husband and family. You need to rise up and refuse to let that happen, and fight for your marriage and future with your husband. Refuse to let this stand.
I recommend that you get three resources:
Every Heart Restored, written by Fred and Brenda Stoeker
The Healing Choice, written by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen
The Healing Choice Guidebook, written by Susan Allen
These resources will help you (1) heal and (2) will give you guidance as to how to fight for your marriage. Don’t allow yourself to be victimized. Stand up and fight. There is a baby that is counting on you.
i have been married for 25 yrs. we married when I was pregnant and have struggled much of our marriage. in the early years I had problems with my self, wanting more of my husbands attention and I often blamed it on the fact that I felt he had to marry me or I had to marry him. we both got save and grew after we married and grew at different times in our marriage. most of our marriage i just felt like i wasn’t attractive, when we were having kids, i thought it was because i was pregnant, my husband didn’t seem to be attracted to that pregnant figure. I seemed to intiate sex most of the time, meaning like 90+% of the time. at one point I found a magazine, being naive I brought it in and asked him if this is what he liked? he was embarrassed and then I never saw it again. then years later with the advent of the internet in every home, and the relationship coming to divorcing when the kids moved out and me be tempted outside the home by men that were giving me more attention than he did. God intervened. my husband early on used to tell me I was being too needy and pushed me away. So I took antidepressants and learned to not be so needy filling my time and self esteem with work. whatever work I did it was too much and I would always have to quit because he wanted me to spend more time with him. but then he would be short and critical or busy when I was home or around and then I would feel lonely and needy. he doesn’t show me much affection, Finally a friend confronted him on the pornography and then everythiing got better for a while he went though setting captives free. life got better and then we drifted again. scott did not stay accountable or active. I did trust him. then we were having more marital problems and I was working too much again and then i found the pornography on the internet again. the intimacy is only when i initiate it. I think he touches the cat more than me. I am an attractive woman, not perfect but okay. i enjoy sex with him. I just don;t feel close to him, I don’t feel loved. I want to have a good relationship. I want to meet his needs and I want to feel loved and cherished by my husband. I am hurting and don’t know what to do.
Dear Jenni,
It isn’t easy to know what to do in a situation like this, and I’m not going to pretend that I can give you a simple answer here. I can say a few things here that are important, however. If a husband isn’t interested in sex or initiating it, it almost always means he is into porn. And, since a man’s native language of passing intimacy is sexual, and since your husband is spending much of his sex drive on porn outside of the marriage bed, he isn’t going to be communicating much in the way of intimacy with you. He is most likely addicted, and probably deeply wounded somewhere in his past, a wound that keeps him hiding in this safe place, a place of sexual cyberspace where no one ever says no and where no one ever demands anything of him, where no one ever requires him to risk anything interpersonally.
The fastest way to help you get more intimacy and to feel more from him is to help him heal from whatever that is, and to help him step out of that cocoon he’s built for himself. My book “Tactics” would be a good one for you to read to better understand how wounds can draw men into sexual sin and into safe, non-threatening places in their lives. My book “Every Man’s Marriage” would help you understand what true male leadership in marriage is to look like, since by now it may be tough to even know what that is supposed to look like in a healthy marriage.
Once you have read these, my thought is that it will help you discuss these things with him more effectively, and may help you to get him to read the books himself, along with you. You can help him understand what is behind all this, and hopefully get a non-threatening discussion going where he can admit he’s wrong and that he needs to get some counseling help. You haven’t caused any of this. But you can be a big part of helping him get free. Obviously, “Setting Captives Free” wasn’t enough because he can’t seem to carry this in his own strength. You can help carry your brother’s burden and can help him take what he learned there, and then what you both learn in my books, and then you can keep those truths active and applicable in his life and in your marriage, together.
This isn’t at all hopeless, unless you both decide that you can’t team up here. As long as you are teaming up, you can pull this mess out of the fire and put your marriage on stable ground. God is certainly with you on that score, and will be active at your side.
Bravo, Fred, for your wisdom here in the article and in the following comments! God has given you much insight and grace to share to those of us hurting from sexual sin. Thank you for your encouragement to continue to be open and honest, patient, and consistently faithful in my actions.
I began my recovery 4 months ago, and most days have been hard and rocky. God’s given me a great support network in a licensed counselor specializing in sex addiction, new friends and accountability partners in my Celebrate Recovery group, and several resources to work through. I hear familiar words in the comments of the wives above. My wife and I are still working through this, and we still have those hard, tense conversations. I know years of work are ahead of us.
Thanks, too, to Covenant Eyes for this blog and their accountability software. The software has been one tool I can use to help reassure my wife.
@Jon – Thanks for stopping by. Hope you find more of our articles helpful!
After 8 months of marriage I finally found what was distancing my new husband from me. I was absolutely crushed..it took a while but I finally got back on my feet. I prayed everyday that I wouldn’t judge him and show him as much mercy as the Lord has shown me. Just as I was feeling a new miniscule, but important, amount of trust again, I found things in his email outbox from a few weeks before we got married. More pictures, but this time, a “friend” of his that I had trusted. I am devastated. The pain is here all over again but this time I’m furious. I know it was about 9 months ago, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I feel so close to my breaking point. If it weren’t for the Lord sustaining me I would have already left my husband. How will I ever trust him again..
Dear Jules,
Our hearts ache for you, my friend.
In answer to your question, my wife Brenda, who co-wrote Every Heart Restored with me, always says that a woman in your situation always must begin with educating herself about male sexuality. When a broken wife looks at her situation through the eyes of female sexuality, it is overwhelming and it takes on a meaning that isn’t always accurate, because female sexuality is so different from male sexuality. Every Heart Restored has a nine-chapter section on male sexuality that is very detailed and helpful in this regard, and it can help you move from judgment to mercy. It is doubtful you can ever trust him again until you understand male sexuality more clearly, especially in light of what he has done, which we agree is completely and utterly wrong and indefensible. Still, an understanding of male sexuality will give you a clearer picture of what is behind it all and keep you filtering your pain and emotions properly.
Brenda says that the second step is to get closer to the Heavenly Father and to Jesus Christ than ever before. We have a motto around our house….”never waste a crisis.” What we mean by that is that as long as we are going through an “unintended journey” through a great mess like this, we might as well (1) allow God to use it for our good and (2) allow it to drive us to a deeper walk and connection with Him. How do you do that? In Brenda’s book “The Healing Choice,” Brenda spends a number of chapters teaching readers, through very practical, easy-to-take steps, how to get closer to God than ever before in the midst of a crisis. When a crisis hits, we need to know exactly how to dig in to get closer to God. Brenda has much experience in responding to unintended journeys, and has a lot to say that is very valuable.
Brenda says that the third step is to be walked through the range of emotions that you are going through and that you will be going through by someone who has been there before. Her friend, Susan Allen, wrote “The Healing Choice Guidebook,” which will help walk you through that emotional journey towards a healing of your heart.
You will have to take an active role in the healing process, which is no fun to hear, because often in a crisis like this all we want to do is sit in a corner and sit appalled in disbelief, and to wonder how this ever happened to us, and to ask ourselves, “When will this awful feeling ever go away?” If you want it to go away, you need to stand up and take the three steps above and take control of your heart and your connection with God as best you can. It isn’t easy, but very possible.
From a husband’s point of view, I would also suggest that you have your husband read “Every Man’s Battle” and “Tactics” to learn how to beat this sin in his life. He should also read “Every Heart Restored,” so that he can get a feel for exactly what he has done to your heart. Hopefully, these steps will get you both on a new journey, an intended journey, one that takes you both closer to the Lord and His ways as a couple.
Dear Randy,
When you are at the bottom like this, my friend, it is pretty normal to feel lost and confused. But there is a way out of this mess. I’ve written two books that I think will be very helpful for you in getting a handle on where you are at. One is called Every Man’s Battle, and that will give you a practical start in getting control of you eyes and your thoughts. The second is called Tactics, and it will help you with the spiritual side of this battle, and will help you understand the emotional pain that drives you to sexual sin, a key understanding. I would point out to take special notice of Chapter 14, and apply what I’ve said their. Just reading the books alone won’t help. But if you actually apply the suggestions and practical steps, they will set you free, because they are Biblical and true. You will simply have to stand up and fight. Your wife will need to read Every Heart Restored and The Healing Choice, both written by my wife Brenda Stoeker. It will give her a perspective on this sin that will ease her emotional pain and will, hopefully, help her move from judgement to mercy in her relationship to you. Hopefully, she will choose to stand up to your side, shoulder to shoulder, to help you fight on to victory. But even if she doesn’t, you can win this if you set your heart on God and set your heart on His principles. It will require changes in you, and a new way of living and a new mindset towards your sexuality. But that will come as you read the books and get closer to God. Don’t give up hope now. A new dawn is rising in your life. This is the moment God has been waiting for, the moment where you have come to the end of yourself and the moment you are ready to turn to Him for help. He will help as you step up to engage the battle. Watch for His work in your life. It’ll be there, and that’s a promise. God’s promise.
I have been looking at porn on and off for the 12 years of our marriage. I have showed my wife little to no intimacy and have had sex less than once every year or so….I was able to ‘hide’ it for years until last night when she found out. I am now in a hotel and have no idea how things got this bad. I have 2 kids and they are crushed. My whole life is destroyed and I feel so sick inside. She says it is over as I lied for years to her about not knowing why I was not affectionate towards her…..when all along I was viewing porn. I would do anything to have things the way they were when we first met without the porn problem. What do I do to hold onto my family and marriage? I feel lost.