Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post are the author’s, and do reflect an official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
“I am hurting so much over this…If I believed in divorce I would already have done it, and I am beginning to maybe believe divorce is ok. After all, this seems like a type of adultery to me. Am I wrong?” – Mary Ann
After writing more than 1,200 articles for Covenant Eyes and having replied to too many comments and e-mails to count, undoubtedly the most heart-wrenching stories I hear are from women who are living with a porn-addicted husband.
When a woman has discovered her husband is entrenched in pornography, reactions can vary greatly, but for many women it is nothing short of traumatic. Whether she’s dealing with the initial blow of uncovering a 20-year-long secret addiction, or she’s facing the daily blow of her husband’s coldness, for these women their life feels like a living hell.
In the past, when asked if divorce could ever be a viable option for these women, my typical response has been a reluctant no. As much as my heart went out to these women trapped in horrific marriages, I simply didn’t see any biblical justification for divorce in situations of porn use.
About a year ago I decided I was going to write my Master’s thesis about this topic and had intended to write a robust biblical defense of my position.
I never imaged I would come to the opposite conclusion.
Some Caveats
Before we launch into this issue, let me state a few caveats.
- Divorce is ugly. We must acknowledge, when addressing the subject of grounds for divorce, the situation that even prompts us to ask this question is under divine judgment. It is a question that involves real hearts, real homes, and a real God who really hates divorce. So it is with great sobriety that we take up this study.
- Having grounds for divorce is not the same as actually getting divorced. This article seeks to answer the grounds question as it relates to pornography. But having legitimate grounds for divorce does not necessitate divorce.
- This article is long and heady. This is not a delicate how-to article for couples in crisis. It is a clumsy attempt to summarize a 33,000-word theological Master’s thesis. Reader be warned.
- The opinions expressed here are my own. Divorce is a contentious issue, and I won’t dare to assume a single article forever settles the debates. I only hope it is a significant addition to the discussion.
The Central Text: Matthew 19:9
The locus of the debate about whether pornography use is ground for divorce is Matthew 19:9:
“I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Time and space do not permit me to get into every detail of this text, but a few observations are important:
1. This comment comes after a very strong affirmation about the divine intention for marriage. Just a few verses prior, Jesus says, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5).
Jesus uses a type of exegesis common early rabbinic Judaism called gezerah shavah, where the activity of God in the first text (making us male and female) is inferred in the second text (the two becoming one flesh). Thus, God is one who joins man and woman together in the covenant bond of marriage. God is the one who unites husband and wife in whole-life oneness. Therefore, what God has joined together, man should not separate (v.6). Marriage is meant to be a lifelong, loving covenant bond.
2. Jesus strikes at the Pharisees’ liberal view of marriage by saying all remarriages after invalid divorces are adulterous. In Jesus’ day, the majority position, promoted by Rabbi Hillel, was “any cause” divorce: any kind of indecency—real or imaginary—was grounds for divorce. As such, divorce was actually quite common among the Pharisees. This view is reflected in the Pharisee’s opening question to Jesus: “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” (19:3, italics added). In other words, they were asking, “Jesus, do you agree with Hillel’s position on divorce?”
Jesus’ answer is ruthlessly conservative: getting remarried to another is adultery after getting an invalid divorce. Jesus uses similar logic in other divorce texts (Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:12; Luke 16:18). Against all the cultural expectations of young men to get married, after hearing Jesus’ brazenly conservative view, even the disciples second-guess whether marriage is worth it (Matthew 19:10). Nonetheless, Jesus is stalwart in his view, assaulting the very attitude behind the Pharisees’ question. Marriage is never to be thought of as a casual union, subject to the cavalier whims of an lordly male. Marriage must be treated with respect and reverence.
3. Jesus nuances His view with an exception clause. Jesus’ conservative approach does not mean all marriages are completely undissolvable. After a marriage is severed, remarriage to another is not adulterous in the case of πορνείᾳ (porneia)—sexual immorality.
The majority Protestant position understands porneia to include any illicit sexual intercourse outside of marriage.*
The critical matter for our consideration is this: Would Jesus include pornography use as a divorcible offense?
Straw-Man Arguments
Generally, when I bump into those who think porn use can be grounds for divorce, I come across three very bad arguments. In the past, the weakness of these arguments kept me firmly convinced that pornography in itself could never be biblical grounds for divorce.
Bad Argument #1: Pornography is detrimental to a marriage, therefore it is grounds for divorce.
I agree pornography can be detrimental to a marriage, but grounds for divorce ought not be determined by how detrimental a sin is.
Some theologians want to stretch the definition of porneia to the breaking point, saying it encompasses all manner of offenses like emotional or physical abuse, blasphemy, or other generally destructive behavior. Quite simply, regardless of what we say about these terrible offenses, there’s nothing about the term porneia that suggests these meanings. Jesus was thinking of sexual sins specifically.
Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce
Viewing porn generally involves lust. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said the man who looks at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28). Jesus also said adultery is grounds for divorce—if we take porneia to mean adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). Therefore, it is argued, viewing porn must be grounds for divorce.
There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words. The intention of Jesus’ teachings in the Sermon on the Mount is to help His disciples understand the heart of the Law (Matthew 5:17). For instance, Jesus said to be innocent of murder is not enough; anger is also sinful and worthy judgment before the court and ultimately hellfire (v.21-22). It would be wrong to take Jesus’ hyperbolic comments about punishing anger and suggest we set up a formal tribunal to dish out penalties to those who speak harsh words to others. Similarly, to suggest spouses have grounds for divorce for moments of lust goes far beyond Jesus’ intention.
Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.
Bad Argument #3: Pornography Comes from the Word Porneia
Some use a linguistic argument showing porneia’s relationship to the modern term “pornography.” The term “pornography,” meaning “writings of/about prostitutes,” stems from the Greek porn– word group.
However, this is an exegetical fallacy. To interpret a Greek term by how that term has impacted modern languages leads to illegitimate conclusions. For instance, when the Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:8), it uses the term ἱλαρός (hilaros) from which we get the English word “hilarious.” If we tried to use a modern definition of “hilarious” to help us define the meaning of the original Greek term, we would come to erroneous conclusions. This makes a mistake of chronology: the Greek authors of the New Testament are not responsible for the development of another language hundreds of years after they wrote their materials.
Doubt Sets In
In the past when I’ve commented on the subject of porn and divorce, my motivation has been to defend Jesus’ conservative view of marriage against the encroachments of liberalism—all the while, trying to show immense compassion for the person whose spouse is deeply mired in pornography.
I reasoned, “Sure, in instances where porn addiction escalates to physical adultery or when an unbelieving spouse is so mired in porn they utterly abandon the marriage, we can talk about the possibility of divorce. But porn use in an of itself is not a legitimate grounds for divorce.”
Generally, the question tends to be phrased this way: “Can pornography use ever be considered adultery?” If it can, some reason, it could be grounds for divorce. Of course, answers to that question will vary depending on who you talk to.
But I now believe we come to misinformed stances on this issue because we’re simply asking the wrong question.
A couple years ago I watched a short video interview with Pastor Douglas Wilson where he addresses this very question. Wilson’s point is that when Jesus uses the term porneia in Matthew 19:9, it is a broad term for “sexual uncleanness,” including adultery but not limited to adultery.
Not too long after this I read these words by Pastor John MacArthur in his book The Divorce Dilemma: God’s Last Word on Lasting Commitment:
In the Greek text, Jesus employs the word porneia, which is capable of a broad range of meanings. It is a general term for fornication (illicit sexual intercourse), but can also apply to various kinds of lascivious or immoral behavior, ranging from a moral flaw in one’s character (such as an obsessive addiction to pornography) to the act of bestiality—or even worse. It’s not the specific Greek word for adultery, which would be moicheia—but certainly includes adultery. (The Divorce Dilemma, p.23-24)
Here were two conservative theologians saying essentially the same thing: Jesus didn’t say “except for adultery”; He said “except for porneia,” which is a broader term.
I knew further investigation was warranted, so I set out to find answers.
So, What Does Porneia Mean?
Often, lexicons will define porneia as illicit or unsanctioned sexual intercourse or any sexual activity outside of marriage. The word can also have a nuanced meaning determined by context—such as a specific kind of sexual sin like incest or prostitution.
A widespread Protestant position on Matthew 19:9 is that Jesus is speaking primarily of adultery, and there’s good reason to think this. Nearly any kind of porneia you can name, when committed by a married person, is adulterous in effect. Adultery was the commonly assumed ground for divorce in the Near East in Jesus’ day, so undoubtedly, this was the primary manifestation of porneia that would have come to mind for Jesus’ listeners.
But there are many reasons to believe porneia is not merely a synonym for adultery—even though the terms are closely linked.
- Porneia and adultery are often paired as separate sins in the New Testament (Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:22; 1 Corinthians 6:9; Hebrews 13:4).
- In the New Testament, the term porneia sometimes implies not just isolated acts of sexual immorality but habitual immorality and an attitude of lasciviousness (Romans 1:29; Galatians 5:19; Colossians 3:5; Revelation 2:21).
- Other works of Greek literature show porneia is not synonymous with adultery, but is rather the disposition and behavior that leads to adultery (Sirach 23:23; Herm. 1:3-8).
- Sometimes the word is used to describe an attitude and motivation of lust and objectification (Tobit 8:7).
In other words, porneia focuses on the violating attitude and act, where as adultery focuses on a common effect of this act.
With this broader meaning in mind, it is best to not translate porniea as “adultery” (The Message) or “fornication” (KJV, ASV). The terms “unfaithfulness” (NLT, Phillips) or “sexual unfaithfulness” (CEB) could also lead be misleading. Rather “sexual immorality” (ESV, HCSB, NIV, NKJV) or “unchastity” (NRSV) are closer to the actual meaning.
Prostitution in Rome in the Days of Christ
The word porneia is also undeniably linked to the concept of prostitution. In Greek culture, the complexes where prostitution took place were called porneia. It was also a term of derision: people who held licentious parties in their homes were said to turn their houses into porneia. Thus, if we’re going to understand what the term porneia means, we need to understand the profession of prostitution as it was practiced in Jesus’ day.
Prostitution was practiced all throughout the Mediterranean region, including Israel, Egypt, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Syria—and especially Greece and later Rome. In the sixth century B.C., the statesman Salon of Athens was not only the “father of democracy,” he was also the father of state-sponsored sex slavery, establishing houses of prostitution in Athens and filling them with female slaves. Brothels were found throughout Athens, especially near the marketplace and in front of the citadel. Throughout Greece, it was generally accepted that young men and even married men would frequent prostitutes.
Rome essentially followed much of the Athenian model and developed laws to regulate prostitution. The first time Roman administrators established a full registry of Rome’s brothels there were 64 official bordellos containing 35,000 women and 2,000 men. Prostitution in Rome complimented the mixed sexual morals of the culture.
But the sex industry also had a vibrant and visible entertainment wing. In a class of their own were the prostitutes that engaged in formal entertainment: the aulētris (flute player), the psaltria (singer), and the orchēstris (dancer). These entertainers had a generally low sexual and social status, though highly talented entertainers were counted among the upper-class courtesans. These entertainers were common at Athenian banquets and private parties. Ionian and Phrygian woman were widely know and at times well paid for their skills: a performance of flute playing, zither playing, or drumming combined with erotic dancing that amounted to a striptease. Often they had other skills such as juggling, fencing, and acrobatics.
While these entertainers also worked the streets, they frequented Greek symposia (parties for socializing, drinking, intellectual discussion, and entertainment).There are numerous references to erotic dancers in comedic and sympotic literature. The comic playwright Aristophanes called these women “dancing pornai.”
Pornography as the Entertainment Wing of Prostitution
While the erotic dancers, singers, and flute players of ancient Rome were specialized entertainers in their own right, they were, at the heart of their profession, slave-prostitutes. Their erotic performances at banquets and symposia were a manifestation of their trade—the sale of their bodies for the pleasure of freemen.
The parallels between the modern porn industry and the symposia entertainers of Rome show us that the term porneia was not limited merely to behaviors involving sexual intercourse, but all kind of licentious behaviors, embracing both activity and attitude.
- First and foremost is the nature of their professions: the sale of their bodies for sex and their roles as “entertainers” for the lusts and enjoyment of men. For the orchēstris of Rome, the open door symposia was their stage. For prostituted women today, their stage is millions of publicly accessible websites. Thanks to webcam technology, for instance, there is virtually no line between “interactive pornography” and virtual prostitution.
- Like the brothels of ancient Athens and Rome, women in porn industry today are subjected to the same kinds of terrible conditions in their line of work: body-punishing sex, STDs, as well as a toxic and abusive environment.
- Like many of the lowest class of slave-prostitutes in ancient Rome, many of those featured in porn films today are indeed trafficked women and children. Others are in positions of economic desperation—they “consent” to a life of prostitution, but only in the most demented sense of the word.
- Like the few select aulētrides of ancient Rome who climbed ladder of success to be counted among the wealthy and elite, the porn industry too has its superstars. Big money-makers branch out beyond their personal appearances in porn films to build a brand around their name, and like the prostitute-entertainers of old, gain a measure of freedom and wealth.
- Like the socially respectable symposia of ancient Rome, the pornography industry in Western culture has become mainstream. With the proliferation of porn, in many circles casual or even routine engagement with porn is seen as normal and healthy. In addition, mainstream movies, television, theater, music, and advertising have become porn-like—what Brian McNair calls “the pornographication of the mainstream.”
The pornography industry is the entertainment wing of prostitution, just as the dancing girls of the brothels (the porneia) in the Roman Empire were the sources of entertainment for Roman nobility.
An analogy might bring some clarity to the question. At what point in the following series of scenarios does someone cease to be guilty of porneia?
- Scenario #1: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly frequents prostitutes to have sex with them (clearly porneia).
- Scenario #2: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly visits homes where prostitution is taking place, but instead of having sex with them, he immerses himself in the sex-saturated environment, watching the orgies, so he can masturbate in front of them.
- Scenario #3: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly connects to prostitutes online to watch live-stream videos of them having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #4: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches recorded videos of prostitutes having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #5: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches the same videos as scenario #4, but the women don’t call themselves prostitutes. They call themselves “porn stars.”
Drawing a hard line is no easy task. The change of physical proximity, timing, or labeling of the participants does not change the fact that in each scenario the man is seeking the services of prostituted women to immerse himself in a world of licentiousness.
Jeremiah 3-4: The Key to Application
In my studies about this issue, the million dollar question I kept asking is this: How does a person differentiate between the everyday lusts of the heart and the kind of porneia Jesus says is a divorcible offense?
The answer is found in the rest of Jesus’ comments to the Pharisees.
After stating his position on the matter, the Pharisees ask Jesus, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7). The background to their question is the first century debate about Moses’ divorce legislation in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. If Moses permitted divorce, how does this square with Jesus’ very conservative position?
Jesus replies with this statement: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8). God permitted divorce under Moses, and still permits divorce, as a concession for the victims of partners with hard and stubborn hearts.
Behind Jesus’ answer is Jeremiah 3-4, God’s dire warning to Judah that judgment is coming unless she repents of her unfaithfulness. As her covenant husband (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 2:2; Ezekiel 16:8-14), God wants to shower blessings on her, but she is rebellious, prostituting herself before other gods. He threatens to divorce Judah just as He did Israel.
That this is the text in Jesus’ mind is evidenced by three major observations:
- Jeremiah is clearly alluding to Moses’ divorce legislation from Deuteronomy 24 in his prophecy (Jeremiah 3:1,8). In fact, it is the one indisputable text in the whole Old Testament that makes reference to Moses’ divorce law, so it makes perfect sense why Jesus would appeal to it in light of the Pharisee’s question.
- In the Greek translation of this text (the LXX), the term porneia is used to describe Israel’s sin. “Because she took her whoredom [porniea] lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree” (3:9). Repeatedly, Judah’s sin is likened to prostitution (3:1-2, 6-10, 13), a sin for which God sent Israel away with a decree of divorce (3:8).
- In the Greek translation of this text, the term “hardness of heart” (σκληροκαρδίαν) is used (4:4)—the same term Jesus uses to describe the reason why divorce is permissible in certain instances. Judah was not merely playing the whore. She treated her prostitution lightly (3:9). Judah refused to be ashamed of her sin (3:3). She was rebellious (3:13). Her seeming repentance was nothing but pretense (3:10). In a word, Judah was hardhearted in her unfaithfulness.
In other words, if divorces must happen at all, they should happen according to pattern given to us by God Himself. God divorced Israel because of her porneia and hardness of heart, which amounted to more than just adultery—it was unrepentant rebellion.
On this basis, some Christian denominations have recognized Jesus did not mean that single acts of sexual thoughtlessness are grounds for divorce—not even in case of a physical affair—but rather Jesus was talking about persistent, unrepentant sexual sin.
The same is true of pornography use. Alone, instances of using pornography or even a habit of looking at porn are not the only factors to consider. Rather, it is critical to assess hardness of heart.
Thus, we should not think of grounds for divorce as a solid line one crosses but rather a continuum of heart-hardening sexual rebellion. God did not divorce Israel after a single instance of spiritual adultery—had He done that, He could have divorced her at Mt. Sinai, or in the wilderness, or during the reign of the judges, or during Solomon’s reign. God was patient, but eventually He wrote Israel a bill of divorce and sent her away into exile because of her callousness.
Porn and Hardness of Heart: Practicing Discernment
Even if we’re convinced pornography use can be a manifestation of hardhearted sexual rebellion, how do we assess the state of someone’s heart?
The words of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 are particularly helpful in this regard. Here Jesus offers for His followers a model of confrontation in cases of persistent sin.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Jesus presents a three-tiered approach:
- In cases of pornography use, assuming the offending partner has not brought the offense to light of his own accord, the first people to discover the offense are often those closest to the situation. This can be spouse, a child, or even an employer. Regardless of the circumstances of the discovery, an individual Christian should approach the offending spouse to discuss the nature of his fault. This should be done with a motivation of restoration: “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
- If this confrontation is not followed by a process of clear repentance and reconciliation, “one or two others” should then become involved. These two or three individuals—ideally those who are spiritually mature and objective—can lovingly confront the offender and, if necessary, provide witness to the confrontation should the case be brought to the church as a whole later on.
- If this conversation or series of conversations are met with a refusal to listen, the church should be made aware of the sin. How one should “tell it to the church,” of course, involves discernment and will depend somewhat on how the church is governed. In this third stage, the goal is still restoration, not unnecessary humiliation.
If this final confrontation is met with stubborn refusal to listen, the result should be excommunication: “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider and unrepentant sinner. And yet even this should be done in a spirit that aims at the sinner’s eventual repentance (1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
As for the offended spouse, this process of church discipline should serve as a divinely given means to both expose hardness of heart as well as push the erring person in one direction or another.
Vicki Tiede, in her book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, advocates for women to go through these three levels of confrontation prescribed in Matthew 18:15-17. Tiede includes a couple helpful diagrams for wives to consider so they can discern the Lord’s will in their situation. First, she asks women to consider their own hearts: on a scale of 1 to 10, how forgiving they have been with their husbands?
Next, she asks women to examine their husbands’ hearts, evidenced by their behavior: on a scale of 1 to 10, how repentant have their husbands been as they have been confronted by the church?
Tiede writes, “Divorce enters the picture if heart is operating near the high end of the scale, with continuous movement towards ten, while your husband’s heart is operating very near the low end of the scale” (p.246).
Once the third and final level of confrontation is reached, Vicki Tiede recommends a time of mediated separation for the couple in order to “create the crisis necessary for him to seek help and finally work toward restoration,” with the goal still being the restoration of the marriage. She writes:
“Think of it this way: the greatest gift you can give your husband is to love God more than you love your husband. God can redeem your husband; you cannot. Thus you love him more by loving in light of his need to repent” (p.244).
It is important churches and spouses avoid unnecessary extremes when it comes to church discipline. On one hand, it is best to keep the number of people involved deliberately small. The tenor behind Jesus’ words is to keep the matter as narrow as possible when it comes to involving others in the communication. On the other hand, church members should avoid making promises of “confidentiality” in the strict sense of the word. To promise not to gossip or slander is biblical, but to promise confidentiality only closes the door to future biblical discipline.
Churches should not rush the process. Each stage of communication might take several meetings, especially if there are at least hints of cooperation from the offending spouse. Plus, only time will tell just how much the erring spouse has truly listened at any stage. The goal is not only the promise to stop the pornographic behavior, but the rebuilding of trust and intimacy in the marriage through changed behavior. Tiede comments:
“You will choose to trust your husband when you are ready. Don’t worry—trusting and forgiving are not the same thing. Rebuilding trust will probably take much longer than it will take to forgive. You will know it’s time to trust when your heart helps you to choose to believe that he will make the right choices. His behaviors will become your trust barometer” (p.89).
Conclusion
In my opinion, pornography use, when it is hardhearted and unrepentant, can certainly qualify as porneia and therefore grounds for divorce.
The Westminster Confession of Faith wisely urges, in the unfortunate and hopefully rare cases where divorce is being considered, that “a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills and discretion, in their own case.” As in many highly emotional and life-altering situations, when divorce is being considered, God does not want couples to be left on their own to discern His will and wisdom in the matter.
As the church we have a high calling to stand with couples in crisis and point them to the One whose love for His bride knows no end, whose justice is perfect, and whose grace increases more than all the infidelities in the world.
* For the sake of simplicity and brevity, in this article we do not address some of the other views of how porneia should be translated in this text, such as an unlawful or illicit marriage or as premarital sex before or during betrothal. These views have been championed by many intelligent Catholic and Protestant commentators, and they are dealt with at length in my thesis.
I discovered my husband was addicted to porn about 2 years ago. He’s even watched it while our 10 year old son was in the same room as him (though I don’t believe he saw it because my husband used an ipad with a cover and would lay on the couch with the cover fully open to block what he was watching.) I threw the iPad away. That was about two years ago.
He’s had a n old fliphone for years. I thought he might use it to start watching porn again but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought it was more important for him to be able to clearly hear his calls to friends and family so I ordered it for him. This morning I spent almost two hours setting up his new smartphone. was having trouble transferring, but I kept going, determined to set it up for him. I gave him the phone, showed him how to use.
He went outside to his garage a little while later and then I started getting texts from my phone carrier that our shared data was reaching it’s limit. I kept refreshing the page at my mobile’s website and the data usage kept going hire and higher. I knew that he was out in the garage, watching porn, not knowing the cellular data was being used instead of the wifi. He couldn’t even muster enough self-control to wait a darn day, lol!
I really feel like this is another sign, of many, that I need to divorce him.
I have paragraphs that I can write, similar to what has already been written. Would you know that the 1st time I discovered his porn use was also by accident? I was in bed 6 am in the morning and the very loud sounds of porn starting blasting through the house? He knew enough tech to find porn but not enough to set it up in silence. lol!
Anyway, I’ve been sad, depressed, etc. through the years. I kept going back and forth on whether to call it quits. But slowly and surely, through the years, I’ve been leaving…mentally and emotionally. I’m kind of upset and numb right now, but the anger isn’t really there, it’s not the hot, sharp pain you feel when you are still caught up in the emotion and feelings of betrayal, etc.
I really don’t like my husband. Yes, because of the porn but other reasons as well. I mean, I don’t like him as a husband, a man or even a person. But I feel some pity for him but I know that pity is part of the reason I’ve stayed for so long. I feel sorry for him in a lot of ways, he wasted so much potential. I think he is haunted by that and feels powerless to make his life what HE wants it to be. But how can I keep being the one expected to empathize with him and still have the job of working on my own growth. I have a kid to raise, a life to live and also him and his bull to take on.
I’ve spent so many years being normalized to abnormal behavior and not just the porn.
For example, years ago, he was drinking to excess. He got so drunk that he defecated on himself and then got in our car. He left the mess there for me to find. I told him to clean it up and he tried to but left some there. I asked him to clean it again and this man told me to clean it up myself! He didn’t see anything wrong with that. And that’s not the last time he did that. Who does that?
I’ve been gaslighted, harassed, bullied, guilt-tripped into accepting abnormal, deranged behavior behavior in the name of forgiveness, grace and love.
I made a mistake marrying him. I admit that. I’ve been married almost 20 years. The world is full of joy, peace and love. I don’t want to spend the next 5-10 years trying to get him to change. I want to be free and happy.
It’s so sad that the solution for so many Christian women and some men will be to just live a life of quiet desperation.
I’m at a point were I would rather carry the stain of divorce than the cross of this marriage.
I mean if my husband can do all this for years and years, why can’t I be forgiven?
Christ will weep for my divorce, Christ won’t like my divorce, but Christ will forgive me and I think that might be good enough for me.
Hi Chey,
I am so sorry for all this pain. Thank you for sharing this story of your courage in facing reality and choosing your healing. Christ doesn’t want you to be abused. May peace be yours.
Kay
Bloom for women link does not work
Hi Sybil!
Sorry about that! Click here for an updated link.
Blessings,
Moriah
IMy husband and I have been married for 44 years. My husband has always had a problem with flirting and lust, even in front of me. In the past I discovered him engaging in pornography. When I confronted him in showing extensive amount of viewing pornography on the internet his initial response was denial and blamed our son, but that he would take care of this issue in dealing with our son. I felt prompted to state no I will confront him. Later that night in bed with the lights off my husband finally admitted that yes he had viewed some porn, but the majority of it had to have been our son. 1st denial/deflect, then minimize, and excuses. A few years later .I once again discovered extensive use of pornography on the internet. Again the same process of denial, deflect, minimize, excuse it away, and then to actually blame me. I have only denied sex when I was physically ill, or other extenuating circumstances (like my father dying). Each time of abstinence was very short no more than a week. Under normal circumstances I lenjoy having sex with my husband and have a very high libido, so he is not denied sex. For the past 10 years or more he is the one that denys me of sex. The has also withdrawn himself from me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
He began sleeping in another bedroom and having dinner by himself in front of the TV in his man cave.
.Each time he is caught he will ultimately repent and promise to stop, but then goes right back to it. About 6 months ago things came to a head again. I now know that he has engaged in pornography almost the entire time of our marriage. All this time he has professed to be a Christian, although there is very little evidence of spiritua fruitl in his life. Each time I have forgiven him, however I must admit the first time it happened it devestated me, I was not a strong Christian and took revenge by having a 1 night stand.. Which I have regretted ever since and have apologized for many times in the last several decades, as he hangs it over my head. I should also note that I have suffered multiple types of abuse over the years. Physical abuse for the first 8 years, although that finally stopped, our children and I have suffered extensive mental and emotional abuse. At this point, I feel the continued pornography use has just become another form of abuse. We have gone through counseling many times over marital problems. He always goes in and says it is all his fault and how sorry he is. He tells each counselor everything he thinks they want to hear, and that he intends to change. But the reality is that he never does it is just empty meaningless words. I believe true repentance means a person is not only sorry, but does everything in their power to change and overcome, which should eventually causes a person’s heart and behavior to change. But this is not happening in our situation. I admit I have become codependent, and receive little support from religious family members that state marriage is for life regardless of the circumstances, and that I am supposed to use this as an opportunity to grow spiritually and learn to love like Christ and show unconditional love. I have suffered with several bouts of depression in the past, but that has graduated into PTSD. My former panic attacks have now become stress induced seizures. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts because the pain and torment has become unbearable. I don’t know how much more I can take. Yes I need help.
Lela, I am so, so sorry for the pain that you’ve suffered throughout the course your marriage. I am sorry for the additional abuse you’ve suffered at the hands of religious people. I’m not surprised you have symptoms of PTSD.
I think help is yours for the taking: receive your freedom. Rise up and walk. God does not require you to be abused, ever. When your husband abused you, he broke the marriage covenant. If you file for divorce, you are not breaking the marriage. You are simply telling the truth: it was broken long ago.
Here’s another article you may find helpful: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
You will appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women, which takes a trauma-informed approach to marriage betrayal for spouses. After your bad experiences with therapists, I hesitate to suggest a therapist, but you may find it helpful to find a therapist who is there just for you, to help you and support you as you work through this trauma.
If you haven’t come across the work of Dr. Bessl Van Der Kolk on trauma, here’s a podcast that gives you a great nugget of his book, The Body Keeps the Score.
Since you mentioned suicidal thoughts, I want to urge you to go to your doctor and explore what medications might help support you at this time.
You are not now, not ever, required to stay in a relationship that is abusive to you. You can choose. You can be free.
Peace to you,
Kay
This is exactly why I make sure to do my own bible reading and prayer. People change their opinions all the time. Never base a decision on the sole opinion of another. Especially something as important as marriage.
Very educative. I now know how to handle my marriage though for 16years he has abandoned me sexually.
When asking the Father for scripture to help me sort through the agony of my own situation years ago He gave me Job 31:1-12. To be tormented, in the church, with the sinful mindset that porn use is not adultery, was just heaping spiritual abuse upon the devastation I was already experiencing. That error was totally inconsistent with the character of God. This passage is a perfect description of what occurs in modern day porn viewing online. Just carefully read the description. Job never mentions the physical act of sex taking place. He mentions ‘looking with lust’ which would lead to ‘ruin for the wicked and disaster for those who do wrong” He said God ‘sees my ways and counts my every step’, talks about ‘walking in falsehood’ (lying to themselves about the effects of porn on them and their relationships) having feet that ‘hurried after deceit’ (porn is the ultimate deception to true love), he describes a person whose steps ‘have turned from the (right) path’ (exactly what happens with porn use), ‘if my heart had been led by my eyes’ (exactly what occurs with porn use), ‘if my hands have been defiled’ (masturbation),’if my heart (the main issue at hand, this is ultimately a heart issue) has been enticed by a woman or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door (this sounds like a peeping tom, isn’t that what watching on a computer really is? just lurking and looking in on something you shouldn’t be) then (what?) ‘then may others eat what I have sown, and may my crops be uprooted…may my wife grind another man’s grain and may other men sleep with her’ (sounds like Job is making a clear statement that a wife is no longer bound to her husband if he behaves in this sinful manner. She is free to find another husband.) He concludes by saying that this type of behavior (that never mentions the act of sex at all but the hard heart issue and the actions that stem from that) “would have been wicked, a sin to be judged. It is a fire that burns to Destruction.” Wicked, sin, judged, fire, burns, destruction – how much clearer can the heart of God be about this type of sin than what was written here? God will continue to rescue women from this sexual and spiritual abuse because that’s the type of God he is. He is for the abused and oppressed. He’s their defender and rescuer. He has given them the certificate of divorce to rescue them from the abuses that have been inflicted on them for thousands of years. How it must break his heart to see so many ‘men of God’ twist his words to keep women in extreme bondage.
I am not divorced. I have endured the shaming and the distance the church places on the wronged wife because I have separated from an unrepentant spouse. I have forgiven my husband, for my own good. He still does not consider himself unfaithful to me, has not attempted to rebuild any trust, says most pastors do not consider porn use adultery (to their shame!) and instead calls me a hard-hearted, arrogant wife who is living in sin because I separated. When I brought it to the church I was told to ‘keep a gratitude journal’ as the remedy to all our marriage issues. As if only I were ‘more’ thankful my marriage would be healed. Again, such ungodly counsel and is out of line with the character of God and is totally unbiblical. Again, the Father rescued me from this spiritual lie of ‘just do more – be more patient, loving, kind, give him more sex….’ by giving me truth from John 13. Here is Jesus, totally aware of Judas’ coming betrayal and it says that Jesus showed the FULL EXTENT of his love to the 12, including Judas. And the end result of Jesus doing ‘more’ than any human could ever do was what? Did that ‘full extent of his love’ change the behavior and choice of Judas to betray him? No! This was not a ‘just do more’ and you can change Judas mindset. This was all about hardness of heart. “Doing more” cannot change the hardness in the heart of a man. Jesus is our example of that. To focus on the women and give ungodly counsel to ‘do more’ implying they, alone, can save their marriage is a lie. Churches must switch the focus to addressing the hardness of heart in the man and stop weighing down the women with more than her share of responsibility in the relationship. Start requiring of these men what God does, full ownership of their sin, repentance with fruit proving it, humility and brokenness, accountability, rebuilding the trust they broke. He will judge the corruption in the church. The sad truth is that that corruption seems to run very deep. I am so glad He is my protector in the midst of this storm. He keeps having to lift my head and eyes to Him and remind me that all that twisted mess is not His heart but the deceitfulness of man’s.
I can’t remember if it was this article or the other one I read of yours but you mentioned verbal, emotional and physical abuse not being a reason for divorce. I would challenge you to really seek the heart of God on these issues more. I have not experienced physical abuse but have the others and the destruction they reap is not easy to describe. All I know is that the Lord is the one who led me out of my marriage, very clearly (for 17 months now) and has not prompted me, in any way, to return to my husband, even though I seek his guidance about it all the time. We need to be very careful about what we say for the power of life and death is in the tongue. Satan can, and does, easily use thoughtless/erroneous statements in the church to shame and guilt abused women even further. Jan Silvious has a great book ‘Foolproofing your life’ that I’d encourage you to read. There are so many organizations, that fear God and are on the front lines of fighting against all the evil that is hidden within the walls of ‘Christian’ homes and churches. (Called to Peace Ministries – Joy Forrest – is a great place to start and get connected with resources to help families and churches)
Living with a lying, cheating, increasingly cold, calculating, cruel, out-of-control,mocking husband who spends thousands of dollars and hours ignoring you in favor of virtual prostituties half your age (for whom he buys flowers and jewelry) is a nightmare , hellish torture I would not wish on anyone 😢 The man I met in church ministry 16 years ago is engaging in a diabolical double life.
after 25 years of the same cycle..lying,gaslighting,mocking and increasingly alarming rage…i am separating..
.this addiction was going on before our marriage ….and when the internet happened it was fuel for the fire..
my big regret is that I did not stand up for myself sooner…the PTSD has been horrible…
meanwhile my husband leads men’s Bible studies weekly and plays on the worship teams regularly.
he is charming and has lied repeatedly that his porn was just a little problem in the past..
he even works his way around covenant eyes…he has people at church fooled…I am the depressed wife at home…the one with the problem….
he has destroyed the happy person i was and now just mocks me….I am devastated…
Its a good article I found it at my lowest point when i didn’t know if, what i was feeling at that time was normal. Believe me an addiction to porn ultimately most often turns out to become a cyber affair and a physical affair in the long run. I found out about my husbands emotional cyber affair 6 months into our wedding and his choices and actions have changed me to the core, as a person.It all started with me finding about his porn addiction and later a lot more.
I would like to point it out that “Its a slow fade of a person” as given in Psalms 1:1 “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers”.
These lines beautifully explain that its a slow progress into the ultimate fall. First its walking then standing to look and finally sitting down to become one among them.(beautifully sung by casting crown in their song ‘slow Fade’)
Porn addiction is like walking from what i have observed. Many people say that its not cheating as they are just looking but it the beginning of the rotting of ones soul.Some thing are wrong irrespective of what the world declares as the norm these days. Porn addicts often say they use it as a stress relief but think Is it a respectable thing to do? to use and exploit an unknown person for a selfish reason? to disrespect once spouse in a very demeaning way.
YES it is absolutely a ground for divorce because I am a wonderful creation of God and I deserve better. I respect myself more as my spouse failed to do so.
I’m glad you were able to set boundaries and carry them out. Peace to you on your healing journey, Kay
I have had an unhealthy addiction to porn on and off for a little more than a decade. Usually turning to it in times of stress, or loneliness, though now having been married for almost ten years loneliness is not the factor. We moved in with my mother 18 months ago to care for her after dad passed away, her heart attack and now stroke. It has been difficult on our marriage in that we have no private time, planning time takes the spontaneity out of intimacy. I turned back to porn as a stress relief, my wife on the other hand turned to the arms of another man about four months ago. I first found out about the affair on Valentine’s Day, I have been a useful idiot and was oblivious to that fact. Still madly in love, with my bride finding out about the affair devastated me. I have asked for forgiveness, taken it to my pastors and asked close friends to pray for me about my issue with porn and for our marriage. My bride says there is no reconciliation and wants the divorce, will not enter counseling with me or give us a chance. I am a wreck, praying, and trying to make sense of all of this. The man is a former flame from highschool, they reconnected during planning of her class reunion. She wants me to file so she can just leave. We live in a different state from him, and she is still in mom’s house with me. I am still praying and hopeful, but it is looking more likely she leaves.
I enjoyed reading the article. Lots of little details and interesting research was done.
I have a thought about Matthew 19:9. This verse addresses remarriage. Divorce happens. This verse seems to imply remarriage creates adultery. If divorce was the result of one spouse guilty of sexual immorality, then the spouse who was innocent of sexual immorality is given the freedom to remarry and it would not create adultery for that spouse. The topic of divorce has a history…and that history entails culture…and OT talks about two kinds of divorces…an interesting topic that exposes wrong thinking and teaching. God has purpose and a beautiful plan with marriage…and to have the most blessing and understanding of it takes two people who live a surrendered life abiding in God which starts with loving Him with all you got and all you are. And we all fall short.