Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post are the author’s, and do reflect an official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
“I am hurting so much over this…If I believed in divorce I would already have done it, and I am beginning to maybe believe divorce is ok. After all, this seems like a type of adultery to me. Am I wrong?” – Mary Ann
After writing more than 1,200 articles for Covenant Eyes and having replied to too many comments and e-mails to count, undoubtedly the most heart-wrenching stories I hear are from women who are living with a porn-addicted husband.
When a woman has discovered her husband is entrenched in pornography, reactions can vary greatly, but for many women it is nothing short of traumatic. Whether she’s dealing with the initial blow of uncovering a 20-year-long secret addiction, or she’s facing the daily blow of her husband’s coldness, for these women their life feels like a living hell.
In the past, when asked if divorce could ever be a viable option for these women, my typical response has been a reluctant no. As much as my heart went out to these women trapped in horrific marriages, I simply didn’t see any biblical justification for divorce in situations of porn use.
About a year ago I decided I was going to write my Master’s thesis about this topic and had intended to write a robust biblical defense of my position.
I never imaged I would come to the opposite conclusion.
Some Caveats
Before we launch into this issue, let me state a few caveats.
- Divorce is ugly. We must acknowledge, when addressing the subject of grounds for divorce, the situation that even prompts us to ask this question is under divine judgment. It is a question that involves real hearts, real homes, and a real God who really hates divorce. So it is with great sobriety that we take up this study.
- Having grounds for divorce is not the same as actually getting divorced. This article seeks to answer the grounds question as it relates to pornography. But having legitimate grounds for divorce does not necessitate divorce.
- This article is long and heady. This is not a delicate how-to article for couples in crisis. It is a clumsy attempt to summarize a 33,000-word theological Master’s thesis. Reader be warned.
- The opinions expressed here are my own. Divorce is a contentious issue, and I won’t dare to assume a single article forever settles the debates. I only hope it is a significant addition to the discussion.
The Central Text: Matthew 19:9
The locus of the debate about whether pornography use is ground for divorce is Matthew 19:9:
“I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Time and space do not permit me to get into every detail of this text, but a few observations are important:
1. This comment comes after a very strong affirmation about the divine intention for marriage. Just a few verses prior, Jesus says, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5).
Jesus uses a type of exegesis common early rabbinic Judaism called gezerah shavah, where the activity of God in the first text (making us male and female) is inferred in the second text (the two becoming one flesh). Thus, God is one who joins man and woman together in the covenant bond of marriage. God is the one who unites husband and wife in whole-life oneness. Therefore, what God has joined together, man should not separate (v.6). Marriage is meant to be a lifelong, loving covenant bond.
2. Jesus strikes at the Pharisees’ liberal view of marriage by saying all remarriages after invalid divorces are adulterous. In Jesus’ day, the majority position, promoted by Rabbi Hillel, was “any cause” divorce: any kind of indecency—real or imaginary—was grounds for divorce. As such, divorce was actually quite common among the Pharisees. This view is reflected in the Pharisee’s opening question to Jesus: “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” (19:3, italics added). In other words, they were asking, “Jesus, do you agree with Hillel’s position on divorce?”
Jesus’ answer is ruthlessly conservative: getting remarried to another is adultery after getting an invalid divorce. Jesus uses similar logic in other divorce texts (Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:12; Luke 16:18). Against all the cultural expectations of young men to get married, after hearing Jesus’ brazenly conservative view, even the disciples second-guess whether marriage is worth it (Matthew 19:10). Nonetheless, Jesus is stalwart in his view, assaulting the very attitude behind the Pharisees’ question. Marriage is never to be thought of as a casual union, subject to the cavalier whims of an lordly male. Marriage must be treated with respect and reverence.
3. Jesus nuances His view with an exception clause. Jesus’ conservative approach does not mean all marriages are completely undissolvable. After a marriage is severed, remarriage to another is not adulterous in the case of πορνείᾳ (porneia)—sexual immorality.
The majority Protestant position understands porneia to include any illicit sexual intercourse outside of marriage.*
The critical matter for our consideration is this: Would Jesus include pornography use as a divorcible offense?
Straw-Man Arguments
Generally, when I bump into those who think porn use can be grounds for divorce, I come across three very bad arguments. In the past, the weakness of these arguments kept me firmly convinced that pornography in itself could never be biblical grounds for divorce.
Bad Argument #1: Pornography is detrimental to a marriage, therefore it is grounds for divorce.
I agree pornography can be detrimental to a marriage, but grounds for divorce ought not be determined by how detrimental a sin is.
Some theologians want to stretch the definition of porneia to the breaking point, saying it encompasses all manner of offenses like emotional or physical abuse, blasphemy, or other generally destructive behavior. Quite simply, regardless of what we say about these terrible offenses, there’s nothing about the term porneia that suggests these meanings. Jesus was thinking of sexual sins specifically.
Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce
Viewing porn generally involves lust. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said the man who looks at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28). Jesus also said adultery is grounds for divorce—if we take porneia to mean adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). Therefore, it is argued, viewing porn must be grounds for divorce.
There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words. The intention of Jesus’ teachings in the Sermon on the Mount is to help His disciples understand the heart of the Law (Matthew 5:17). For instance, Jesus said to be innocent of murder is not enough; anger is also sinful and worthy judgment before the court and ultimately hellfire (v.21-22). It would be wrong to take Jesus’ hyperbolic comments about punishing anger and suggest we set up a formal tribunal to dish out penalties to those who speak harsh words to others. Similarly, to suggest spouses have grounds for divorce for moments of lust goes far beyond Jesus’ intention.
Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.
Bad Argument #3: Pornography Comes from the Word Porneia
Some use a linguistic argument showing porneia’s relationship to the modern term “pornography.” The term “pornography,” meaning “writings of/about prostitutes,” stems from the Greek porn– word group.
However, this is an exegetical fallacy. To interpret a Greek term by how that term has impacted modern languages leads to illegitimate conclusions. For instance, when the Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:8), it uses the term ἱλαρός (hilaros) from which we get the English word “hilarious.” If we tried to use a modern definition of “hilarious” to help us define the meaning of the original Greek term, we would come to erroneous conclusions. This makes a mistake of chronology: the Greek authors of the New Testament are not responsible for the development of another language hundreds of years after they wrote their materials.
Doubt Sets In
In the past when I’ve commented on the subject of porn and divorce, my motivation has been to defend Jesus’ conservative view of marriage against the encroachments of liberalism—all the while, trying to show immense compassion for the person whose spouse is deeply mired in pornography.
I reasoned, “Sure, in instances where porn addiction escalates to physical adultery or when an unbelieving spouse is so mired in porn they utterly abandon the marriage, we can talk about the possibility of divorce. But porn use in an of itself is not a legitimate grounds for divorce.”
Generally, the question tends to be phrased this way: “Can pornography use ever be considered adultery?” If it can, some reason, it could be grounds for divorce. Of course, answers to that question will vary depending on who you talk to.
But I now believe we come to misinformed stances on this issue because we’re simply asking the wrong question.
A couple years ago I watched a short video interview with Pastor Douglas Wilson where he addresses this very question. Wilson’s point is that when Jesus uses the term porneia in Matthew 19:9, it is a broad term for “sexual uncleanness,” including adultery but not limited to adultery.
Not too long after this I read these words by Pastor John MacArthur in his book The Divorce Dilemma: God’s Last Word on Lasting Commitment:
In the Greek text, Jesus employs the word porneia, which is capable of a broad range of meanings. It is a general term for fornication (illicit sexual intercourse), but can also apply to various kinds of lascivious or immoral behavior, ranging from a moral flaw in one’s character (such as an obsessive addiction to pornography) to the act of bestiality—or even worse. It’s not the specific Greek word for adultery, which would be moicheia—but certainly includes adultery. (The Divorce Dilemma, p.23-24)
Here were two conservative theologians saying essentially the same thing: Jesus didn’t say “except for adultery”; He said “except for porneia,” which is a broader term.
I knew further investigation was warranted, so I set out to find answers.
So, What Does Porneia Mean?
Often, lexicons will define porneia as illicit or unsanctioned sexual intercourse or any sexual activity outside of marriage. The word can also have a nuanced meaning determined by context—such as a specific kind of sexual sin like incest or prostitution.
A widespread Protestant position on Matthew 19:9 is that Jesus is speaking primarily of adultery, and there’s good reason to think this. Nearly any kind of porneia you can name, when committed by a married person, is adulterous in effect. Adultery was the commonly assumed ground for divorce in the Near East in Jesus’ day, so undoubtedly, this was the primary manifestation of porneia that would have come to mind for Jesus’ listeners.
But there are many reasons to believe porneia is not merely a synonym for adultery—even though the terms are closely linked.
- Porneia and adultery are often paired as separate sins in the New Testament (Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:22; 1 Corinthians 6:9; Hebrews 13:4).
- In the New Testament, the term porneia sometimes implies not just isolated acts of sexual immorality but habitual immorality and an attitude of lasciviousness (Romans 1:29; Galatians 5:19; Colossians 3:5; Revelation 2:21).
- Other works of Greek literature show porneia is not synonymous with adultery, but is rather the disposition and behavior that leads to adultery (Sirach 23:23; Herm. 1:3-8).
- Sometimes the word is used to describe an attitude and motivation of lust and objectification (Tobit 8:7).
In other words, porneia focuses on the violating attitude and act, where as adultery focuses on a common effect of this act.
With this broader meaning in mind, it is best to not translate porniea as “adultery” (The Message) or “fornication” (KJV, ASV). The terms “unfaithfulness” (NLT, Phillips) or “sexual unfaithfulness” (CEB) could also lead be misleading. Rather “sexual immorality” (ESV, HCSB, NIV, NKJV) or “unchastity” (NRSV) are closer to the actual meaning.
Prostitution in Rome in the Days of Christ
The word porneia is also undeniably linked to the concept of prostitution. In Greek culture, the complexes where prostitution took place were called porneia. It was also a term of derision: people who held licentious parties in their homes were said to turn their houses into porneia. Thus, if we’re going to understand what the term porneia means, we need to understand the profession of prostitution as it was practiced in Jesus’ day.
Prostitution was practiced all throughout the Mediterranean region, including Israel, Egypt, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Syria—and especially Greece and later Rome. In the sixth century B.C., the statesman Salon of Athens was not only the “father of democracy,” he was also the father of state-sponsored sex slavery, establishing houses of prostitution in Athens and filling them with female slaves. Brothels were found throughout Athens, especially near the marketplace and in front of the citadel. Throughout Greece, it was generally accepted that young men and even married men would frequent prostitutes.
Rome essentially followed much of the Athenian model and developed laws to regulate prostitution. The first time Roman administrators established a full registry of Rome’s brothels there were 64 official bordellos containing 35,000 women and 2,000 men. Prostitution in Rome complimented the mixed sexual morals of the culture.
But the sex industry also had a vibrant and visible entertainment wing. In a class of their own were the prostitutes that engaged in formal entertainment: the aulētris (flute player), the psaltria (singer), and the orchēstris (dancer). These entertainers had a generally low sexual and social status, though highly talented entertainers were counted among the upper-class courtesans. These entertainers were common at Athenian banquets and private parties. Ionian and Phrygian woman were widely know and at times well paid for their skills: a performance of flute playing, zither playing, or drumming combined with erotic dancing that amounted to a striptease. Often they had other skills such as juggling, fencing, and acrobatics.
While these entertainers also worked the streets, they frequented Greek symposia (parties for socializing, drinking, intellectual discussion, and entertainment).There are numerous references to erotic dancers in comedic and sympotic literature. The comic playwright Aristophanes called these women “dancing pornai.”
Pornography as the Entertainment Wing of Prostitution
While the erotic dancers, singers, and flute players of ancient Rome were specialized entertainers in their own right, they were, at the heart of their profession, slave-prostitutes. Their erotic performances at banquets and symposia were a manifestation of their trade—the sale of their bodies for the pleasure of freemen.
The parallels between the modern porn industry and the symposia entertainers of Rome show us that the term porneia was not limited merely to behaviors involving sexual intercourse, but all kind of licentious behaviors, embracing both activity and attitude.
- First and foremost is the nature of their professions: the sale of their bodies for sex and their roles as “entertainers” for the lusts and enjoyment of men. For the orchēstris of Rome, the open door symposia was their stage. For prostituted women today, their stage is millions of publicly accessible websites. Thanks to webcam technology, for instance, there is virtually no line between “interactive pornography” and virtual prostitution.
- Like the brothels of ancient Athens and Rome, women in porn industry today are subjected to the same kinds of terrible conditions in their line of work: body-punishing sex, STDs, as well as a toxic and abusive environment.
- Like many of the lowest class of slave-prostitutes in ancient Rome, many of those featured in porn films today are indeed trafficked women and children. Others are in positions of economic desperation—they “consent” to a life of prostitution, but only in the most demented sense of the word.
- Like the few select aulētrides of ancient Rome who climbed ladder of success to be counted among the wealthy and elite, the porn industry too has its superstars. Big money-makers branch out beyond their personal appearances in porn films to build a brand around their name, and like the prostitute-entertainers of old, gain a measure of freedom and wealth.
- Like the socially respectable symposia of ancient Rome, the pornography industry in Western culture has become mainstream. With the proliferation of porn, in many circles casual or even routine engagement with porn is seen as normal and healthy. In addition, mainstream movies, television, theater, music, and advertising have become porn-like—what Brian McNair calls “the pornographication of the mainstream.”
The pornography industry is the entertainment wing of prostitution, just as the dancing girls of the brothels (the porneia) in the Roman Empire were the sources of entertainment for Roman nobility.
An analogy might bring some clarity to the question. At what point in the following series of scenarios does someone cease to be guilty of porneia?
- Scenario #1: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly frequents prostitutes to have sex with them (clearly porneia).
- Scenario #2: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly visits homes where prostitution is taking place, but instead of having sex with them, he immerses himself in the sex-saturated environment, watching the orgies, so he can masturbate in front of them.
- Scenario #3: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly connects to prostitutes online to watch live-stream videos of them having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #4: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches recorded videos of prostitutes having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #5: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches the same videos as scenario #4, but the women don’t call themselves prostitutes. They call themselves “porn stars.”
Drawing a hard line is no easy task. The change of physical proximity, timing, or labeling of the participants does not change the fact that in each scenario the man is seeking the services of prostituted women to immerse himself in a world of licentiousness.
Jeremiah 3-4: The Key to Application
In my studies about this issue, the million dollar question I kept asking is this: How does a person differentiate between the everyday lusts of the heart and the kind of porneia Jesus says is a divorcible offense?
The answer is found in the rest of Jesus’ comments to the Pharisees.
After stating his position on the matter, the Pharisees ask Jesus, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7). The background to their question is the first century debate about Moses’ divorce legislation in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. If Moses permitted divorce, how does this square with Jesus’ very conservative position?
Jesus replies with this statement: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8). God permitted divorce under Moses, and still permits divorce, as a concession for the victims of partners with hard and stubborn hearts.
Behind Jesus’ answer is Jeremiah 3-4, God’s dire warning to Judah that judgment is coming unless she repents of her unfaithfulness. As her covenant husband (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 2:2; Ezekiel 16:8-14), God wants to shower blessings on her, but she is rebellious, prostituting herself before other gods. He threatens to divorce Judah just as He did Israel.
That this is the text in Jesus’ mind is evidenced by three major observations:
- Jeremiah is clearly alluding to Moses’ divorce legislation from Deuteronomy 24 in his prophecy (Jeremiah 3:1,8). In fact, it is the one indisputable text in the whole Old Testament that makes reference to Moses’ divorce law, so it makes perfect sense why Jesus would appeal to it in light of the Pharisee’s question.
- In the Greek translation of this text (the LXX), the term porneia is used to describe Israel’s sin. “Because she took her whoredom [porniea] lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree” (3:9). Repeatedly, Judah’s sin is likened to prostitution (3:1-2, 6-10, 13), a sin for which God sent Israel away with a decree of divorce (3:8).
- In the Greek translation of this text, the term “hardness of heart” (σκληροκαρδίαν) is used (4:4)—the same term Jesus uses to describe the reason why divorce is permissible in certain instances. Judah was not merely playing the whore. She treated her prostitution lightly (3:9). Judah refused to be ashamed of her sin (3:3). She was rebellious (3:13). Her seeming repentance was nothing but pretense (3:10). In a word, Judah was hardhearted in her unfaithfulness.
In other words, if divorces must happen at all, they should happen according to pattern given to us by God Himself. God divorced Israel because of her porneia and hardness of heart, which amounted to more than just adultery—it was unrepentant rebellion.
On this basis, some Christian denominations have recognized Jesus did not mean that single acts of sexual thoughtlessness are grounds for divorce—not even in case of a physical affair—but rather Jesus was talking about persistent, unrepentant sexual sin.
The same is true of pornography use. Alone, instances of using pornography or even a habit of looking at porn are not the only factors to consider. Rather, it is critical to assess hardness of heart.
Thus, we should not think of grounds for divorce as a solid line one crosses but rather a continuum of heart-hardening sexual rebellion. God did not divorce Israel after a single instance of spiritual adultery—had He done that, He could have divorced her at Mt. Sinai, or in the wilderness, or during the reign of the judges, or during Solomon’s reign. God was patient, but eventually He wrote Israel a bill of divorce and sent her away into exile because of her callousness.
Porn and Hardness of Heart: Practicing Discernment
Even if we’re convinced pornography use can be a manifestation of hardhearted sexual rebellion, how do we assess the state of someone’s heart?
The words of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 are particularly helpful in this regard. Here Jesus offers for His followers a model of confrontation in cases of persistent sin.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Jesus presents a three-tiered approach:
- In cases of pornography use, assuming the offending partner has not brought the offense to light of his own accord, the first people to discover the offense are often those closest to the situation. This can be spouse, a child, or even an employer. Regardless of the circumstances of the discovery, an individual Christian should approach the offending spouse to discuss the nature of his fault. This should be done with a motivation of restoration: “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
- If this confrontation is not followed by a process of clear repentance and reconciliation, “one or two others” should then become involved. These two or three individuals—ideally those who are spiritually mature and objective—can lovingly confront the offender and, if necessary, provide witness to the confrontation should the case be brought to the church as a whole later on.
- If this conversation or series of conversations are met with a refusal to listen, the church should be made aware of the sin. How one should “tell it to the church,” of course, involves discernment and will depend somewhat on how the church is governed. In this third stage, the goal is still restoration, not unnecessary humiliation.
If this final confrontation is met with stubborn refusal to listen, the result should be excommunication: “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider and unrepentant sinner. And yet even this should be done in a spirit that aims at the sinner’s eventual repentance (1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
As for the offended spouse, this process of church discipline should serve as a divinely given means to both expose hardness of heart as well as push the erring person in one direction or another.
Vicki Tiede, in her book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, advocates for women to go through these three levels of confrontation prescribed in Matthew 18:15-17. Tiede includes a couple helpful diagrams for wives to consider so they can discern the Lord’s will in their situation. First, she asks women to consider their own hearts: on a scale of 1 to 10, how forgiving they have been with their husbands?
Next, she asks women to examine their husbands’ hearts, evidenced by their behavior: on a scale of 1 to 10, how repentant have their husbands been as they have been confronted by the church?
Tiede writes, “Divorce enters the picture if heart is operating near the high end of the scale, with continuous movement towards ten, while your husband’s heart is operating very near the low end of the scale” (p.246).
Once the third and final level of confrontation is reached, Vicki Tiede recommends a time of mediated separation for the couple in order to “create the crisis necessary for him to seek help and finally work toward restoration,” with the goal still being the restoration of the marriage. She writes:
“Think of it this way: the greatest gift you can give your husband is to love God more than you love your husband. God can redeem your husband; you cannot. Thus you love him more by loving in light of his need to repent” (p.244).
It is important churches and spouses avoid unnecessary extremes when it comes to church discipline. On one hand, it is best to keep the number of people involved deliberately small. The tenor behind Jesus’ words is to keep the matter as narrow as possible when it comes to involving others in the communication. On the other hand, church members should avoid making promises of “confidentiality” in the strict sense of the word. To promise not to gossip or slander is biblical, but to promise confidentiality only closes the door to future biblical discipline.
Churches should not rush the process. Each stage of communication might take several meetings, especially if there are at least hints of cooperation from the offending spouse. Plus, only time will tell just how much the erring spouse has truly listened at any stage. The goal is not only the promise to stop the pornographic behavior, but the rebuilding of trust and intimacy in the marriage through changed behavior. Tiede comments:
“You will choose to trust your husband when you are ready. Don’t worry—trusting and forgiving are not the same thing. Rebuilding trust will probably take much longer than it will take to forgive. You will know it’s time to trust when your heart helps you to choose to believe that he will make the right choices. His behaviors will become your trust barometer” (p.89).
Conclusion
In my opinion, pornography use, when it is hardhearted and unrepentant, can certainly qualify as porneia and therefore grounds for divorce.
The Westminster Confession of Faith wisely urges, in the unfortunate and hopefully rare cases where divorce is being considered, that “a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills and discretion, in their own case.” As in many highly emotional and life-altering situations, when divorce is being considered, God does not want couples to be left on their own to discern His will and wisdom in the matter.
As the church we have a high calling to stand with couples in crisis and point them to the One whose love for His bride knows no end, whose justice is perfect, and whose grace increases more than all the infidelities in the world.
* For the sake of simplicity and brevity, in this article we do not address some of the other views of how porneia should be translated in this text, such as an unlawful or illicit marriage or as premarital sex before or during betrothal. These views have been championed by many intelligent Catholic and Protestant commentators, and they are dealt with at length in my thesis.
i received a very good bit of advice from a rabbi a long time ago. and that was that i was more interested in trying to have the right answer than trying to get the right answer. sounds like a distinction without a difference but it’s not. it really pains me to see people go to such an effort to create a legal case for justifying divorce because of pornography. all because you think you have the answer when you should be having your ears open still, trying to get it. you don’t know what Jesus is talking about because you don’t understand the culture and times. in Jesus’s time, adultery would have ended the marriage with the death of the adulterer. so to discuss the topic from the standpoint of adultery being grounds for divorce is pointless. and when he said that a man commits adultery when he looks at another woman, he wasn’t referring to just ANY woman. God created man to look at woman’s beauty and be drawn to it. it is the lusting after ANOTHER man’s wife… someone who is OFF LIMITS… that creates the adulterous heart. to look at someone eligible for marriage with desire is perfectly acceptable. also, there is nothing in the bible which states that a man cannot have more than one wife. so to look at with desire, pursue, and acquire eligible bachelorets is lawful. what was common practice of the day was to marry a woman for the sole purpose of bedding her, and then divorcing her the next day or relatively soon after the sex. in effect turned marriage into fornication. Jesus was combating frivolous divorce, not polygamy. a wife had not grounds or power whatsoever to divorce her husband, so if she had any type of sexual immorality after marriage, it would be adulterous, and she would be stoned. Jesus was specifically justifying divorce in the case where a woman was found to not be a virgin upon consummating the marriage. in that case, a man could divorce her and marry another guilt free. but if she were a virgin and he married her, he was stuck with her. that does not mean though that he could not lawfully marry other women at the same time and have more than one wife. in no case does any of that imply that masturbation or looking at dirty pictures or videos is grounds for a wife to divorce her husband. in fact, the only place where masturbation may even be referenced, and only maybe, is in Deuteronomy concerning the law governing the army, where if there is “some occurrence in the middle of the night” the man shall be placed outside the camp and be unclean until night and then he must bathe. so masturbation MIGHT be unclean, but otherwise the bible is silent on the issue altogether.
What approach then do I take? My husband seems to be falling on the unrepentant, hardened heart side of the spectrum AND he’s not saved.
There are no easy answers; there’s not one right answer. You just have to take the information, process it, and decide what’s right for you going forward. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you. A support group would be great, too. And you might appreciate the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and well! Peace to you, Kay
Hi Gabrielle,
I am in the same exact situation. My husband is not repentend AND not saved :(
do you want to exchange emails
Ok beloved, what about a Brother who falls into porn 5-6 times a year, obviously mastabates, and that 6 times he looked at porn happens only 6 times a year, 6 times to many cos sin is evil i agree. The Brother is greived in tears at offening God and His Wife at what he’s dun those 5 to 6 times a year. He battles like most Christian men and 359 days of the year he get’s the victory in Christ. He battles everyday in not looking at women wiv their boobs, bums etc as he’s about his daily buisiness, if he’s seen let’s say for “example” 250 women go past him that day on the street, 246 of them he aint lloked at em twice, but he’s had that 2nd look at them 4 times, 4 times to many mind and he say’s sorry to God and he keeps fighting in the holy ghost. Just a general description of what this guy goes through daily week in week out every year. However this Brother I know in my church 1). Is not a porn addict cos he’s only looked at it 6 times and he doesn’t think about it day in day out, hour in hour out and spend thoughts consumed by it, time consumed by it on i pad, mobile etc. 2).. So obviously wiv this Christian man I’m working with, with him and His Wife, she no grounds for divorce cos he aint an addict, but stumbles 6 times a year, and may stumble 3 to 4 times a week in that 2nd look at a woman’s bum for example. I’m not condoning his fall from Grace 5-6 times a year either, or 3-4 looks a week of lust at women in the street. Just giving u a feel where this guy and nhis wife are at. What u think holy dudes????? Pastor Alex.
Sounds like you are making excuses for him/ for you! Nobody is holly so don’t patronise people that have a different view from yours.
Truly repent and sin no more. The God you worship who created the universe and gave his own son for you can cleanse you and deliver you and with every temptation he’s made a way you can escape from it you just need to see it and have faith. There’s consequences for your sins you won’t be blessed in your marriage or your ministry if you keep sinning. 6 times a year it’s like every two months! Depriving yourself from being blessed and be a blessing to your wife
Watching porn might or might not classify as ‘porneia’. I think it does not, but it can certainly classify as looking at other woman with lust.
However, I do not agree with the interpretation of Mt 19:9 as an exception clause, which gives license to divorce.
The late Dr.Leslie McFall has proven that the ‘exception clause’ is an invention by Erasmus, the compiler of the Textus Receptus, where by all evidence Erasmus has forged this so-called exception by introducing a greek word not in the original texts.
And even if you doubt that, and consider it might give an exception to divorce, all other NT texts clearly prohibit
marriage after divorce. People who say otherwise are forced to excessive exegetical and hermeneutical acrobatics to deliver such “proof”.
Hey Paul.
There are several reasons why textual critics favor the text as I have it here in this article. First, there are many uncial and cursive manuscripts in favor this reading. Second, from the standpoint of transcription, it is easier to understand why the variant reading would have crept into Codex Vaticanus over time—to harmonize the text with Mark and Luke and assimilate it with Matthew 5:32—but it is difficult to understand why the now-accepted text would have crept in. In other words, the uniqueness of the phrase argues for its genuineness. Third, in Codex Vaticanus there is further evidence of attempts to assimilate Matthew 19 with Matthew 5, thus showing proof or more tampering. Because of these observations, hardly anyone disputes the textual evidence for the accepted reading (except for men like McFall, whom you cited).
I would disagree with the idea that folks like myself are forced to do exegetical acrobatics. If you’d like a copy of my thesis, I would be happy to share more with you on the matter. You seem very capable of engaging on a deeper level regarding this topic.
Paul you say ‘porn’ it’s looking at another woman with lust… the Bible calls that ‘adultery’.. I wonder how many men that watch porn just watch it without involving any other form of self gratification? If you are honest you know you can’t because by watching any form of porn will awake your beast in you and want more… if you study what actually happens in the brain when you watch porn you will realise that same chemicals are released during an actual act so practically your body will stimulate same nerves and release same hormones during both acts… so it is in fact ‘adultery’
After our first year of marriage my husband told me of his pornography use. I was so naive, completely shocked and stunned. Although crush, hurt, embarrassed and alone, I did reach out to counselors both individually and couple. Honestly, nothing has helped. He relapses all the time. We have now been married 7.5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. I just can’t buy his repentance when his actions are so dismissal. Therefore, there is no/little trust in our marriage and little respect. In my mind, when I fast forward and look at another 7.5 years down the road and say, “Ok, if NOTHING has changed and you are now 15 years into your marriage, will you be glad you stayed or wished you had gotten out now?” I tend to believe I will be grieving the years I have played the role of a “happy wife” toward him and also putting on an act for my daughter to believe that we have a good marriage. This frightens me and disgusts me. I find so little on the internet about Christian women and divorce over pornography. If there are any women who are wanting someone to communicate with, I would love to. It is very lonely being in this position because I don’t want my friends to think negatively of my husband and therefore do not open up to them. Counselors are great but incredibly expensive and it’s hard to schedule them since I work full time.
So I am posting for two reasons:
1.) Women who are struggling similar to I am, I would love to hear from you. I had to give my email to leave this comment so maybe someone could connect us via email?
2.) Would be so interesting to hear advice for the wife who deals with a husband who continuously relapses (because I get the Amazon receipts and see what he’s been watching) and yet when I confront him he says I “always throw his sin in his face.” He is a Christian who does want to be free from this sick sin, but I’m not sure he has the self-discipline or maturity to do so, honestly. It takes A LOT of work and although he is enrolled in a year long program at church, I am not too optimistic about him overcoming this.
Hey there Sarah,
You might like to check out the online community, Bloom, where you’ll find forums, classes, and numerous resources. I think you’ll find the connections there that you’re looking for!
You’ll also need to continue to consider your boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles. He’s making choices all the time, and you’ve got to consider what’s healthy for you.
And you might like to think about the state of the emotional trust in your marriage. I think it’s so important to consider whether your spouse has the capacity or desire to turn toward you in the relationship or not. Does he care about how you feel? Is he able to listen to you and respond with love and concern? That to me is the absolutely critical building block of a real relationship.
Peace to you, Kay
How are you? Anything changed in the last two years?
Sarah How are you? Anything changed in the last two years?
Hey Sarah, I know you left this post about 2 years ago. Just wondering how you are? And if you decided to stay with your husband? I am a Christian woman who married a non believer which I know the Bible tells us to not be yoked with unbelievers but he’s a good man and loving but I catch him watching porn. I’ve dismissed it a few times because I didn’t think it was a really big deal, but I can’t help but feel unwanted, unloved, not beautiful, and he has always had a thing for blonde girls which I am not. When I catch him watching porn it’s always these girls that look nothing like me, I can’t help but feel almost like “why did he chose me?” If I’m not his “type”. It’s been a couple of days since the last time I caught him and I have no desire to let him kiss me (I tell him no, I’m not a porn star) I have no desire to let him touch me in any way sexually. It’s like when he touches me I think he wishes I were one of the blonde girls he fantasizes so much about. I have been feeling lonely because I have no one to talk to, like you said Sarah I don’t want to tell my friends because I don’t want them to dislike him and on top of that it’s embarrassing to me. We haven’t even been married a year and are having issues most couples come across after years of marriage.
Boundaries, my friend. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think that through. A therapist might be a good help also, and you’ll appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. You don’t have to be the victim of his choices. You do get to have healthy boundaries, no matter what he chooses.
Thanks, Luke. It was also my understanding from your thesis that my particular case didn’t rise to the level of ‘porneia.’ Yet as I detailed, dabbling in porn wasn’t my only offence and I was wondering if perhaps the combination of that plus my unloving attitude provided sufficient (biblical) grounds for my wife’s ending the marriage. If it did, then I am unbiblically remarried. If it didn’t, then yes, it’s my understanding that 1 Corinthians 7 would perhaps apply in my situation on some level. My take on why Paul specifically addresses abandonment by a non-believer has always been simply that Paul’s expectation was that this shouldn’t even be an issue among believers. And yet if anomalously, abandonment by a believer did occur, the same principle would still apply.
The reason I said “on some level” is because after pondering the question these past few weeks, I’ve come to believe that regardless of who abandoned who, we’re both guilty of unbiblically divorcing and remarrying and we will both be held accountable.
Thanks again.
Hey again, Robert.
First, I think it’s important to remember that, as far as Jesus is concerned in Matthew 19, divorce is a last resort in cases of hardhearted sexual rebellion. There’s probably no one individual act that makes a situation “rise to the level” of a divorcable offense. The point is use the means of grace given to the church (discipleship and discipline) to discern the state of a person’s heart (see my comments at the end of the article from Vicki Tiede’s book).
Given that we understand that, certainly an unloving attitude towards your spouse can be an indicator of a hardening heart, but it would be important to understand what efforts were made to confront you in your sin and reconcile matters in your marriage.
As for whether you are unbiblically remarried, I can offer only the following advice. IF (and that is IF) you believe it is true your wife did not have grounds for divorce, then…
– Acknowledge that your choice to enter a second marriage was not according to God’s design and seek his grace.
– Don’t attempt to return to your first wife on these grounds. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 prohibits a wife returning to her first husband even after her second husband dies, suggesting that today no second marriage should be broken up in order to restore a first one.
– Don’t separate from your current wife and live as single. While the Bible doesn’t give in advice in this case, you ought to honor the promises made to your second wife and the union that is formed there. Whatever false grounds may have allowed you to seek remarriage does not nullify the marriage you now have.
My husband viewed porn for months while I was pregnant. Supposedly that was the only time, all I have is his word to go on which means little to me anymore. Also he had pics of my nude pre-pregnancy body and videos of us on his phone, yet he chose porn. Before I found out about this I put him on a pedestal. I even felt happier overall in church and during my worship because of the love I thought I had found in him. When I found out my heart broke. I wanted to leave him, but I didn’t because I loved him so deeply. Now I wish I had of left him. I went through so many emotional ups and downs at first. Now, I feel so very very cold. I don’t feel like I love him like I used to. I don’t want intercouse like I used to. Just “I love you” doesn’t make me feel sexy and no compliment from him can hold value. I don’t want sex just because he loves me. Sometimes I do it just to feel close, but complete gratification sexually doesn’t come from just that reason. And I can’t love him like I’m supposed to as my man, my husband, and lover while I feel this way. I feel like last pick in every way to the porn stars except for the fact that I’m his “best friend” and he loves me. I don’t feel attractive or happy in our relationship when it comes time to making love. Sometimes I want closeness, but that’s not often like it used to be. I’ve lost my sex drive and my love for myself. I hate the thought of anyone being with this after pregnancy body. How can I stay with him when I feel so hard hearted? It’s me who has a hard heart now, not him. He’s trying everything to make things better, including allowing restrictions on his phone and our home internet, and it’s helped a lot with us getting to be closer friends, but i still don’t want intimacy like I used to before the porn. I trust him very little, I don’t respect him like I used to, and I love him so deeply more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but I don’t love him as a lover anymore. What do I do about my hard heart? Worshipping God isn’t the same.Nothing is. Also to be added he is so sweet to me now. Which makes me feel guilty. I hate myself. I truly do. And I’m so angry with him. I want to leave but I don’t want to leave. I don’t know what to do. I feel like staying ruined what progress was taking place in my heart before I found out. I feel rage, pain, and almost hate, but I still know I have love in my heart. But the person I was in love with doesn’t exist anymore. I loved and respected him so highly because I thought he was different from “worldly” men. Now that he opened up old wounds I can’t see him the same. He lied to me, before I was getting into church again, I thought something was wrong sexually. I mentioned porn. He said that he hated porn. That porn ruins the love two people make in the bedroom. When he said that I was so impressed. My heart soared. I respected him so deeply for that and I felt so much more comfortable in my relationship with him. And more comfortable with my body. I’m not fat, but I’ve had children previously. Which I’ve had past experiences that has already ripped my heart to pieces. I was so thankful to God that I had a love like this. I was so dedicated, still I’m dedicated, but not for the same reasons anymore. I feel like I still love him so much, but a part of me is so angry for the betrayal. He lied and created a false security for me emotionally and mentally. I’m not in love, I just love him and hate him. What do I do? Please help me.
Hey there. It sounds like you’ve got some really important work to do.
First of all, I think it’s really important that you’ve got good evidence that he is working on his own choices to be honest and healthy. I would never tell a woman to continue investing in a relationship unless the husband is equally invested. What you’ve described here sounds good; I would say that trust is restored over time by trustworthy behavior. He has to keep doing these good things and displaying this sincerity over the long haul. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about the two kinds of trust: behavioral and emotional. He needs to be investing in both. I mention John Gottman in that article, and his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is just excellent. If you and your husband are able to work through that book together, I think that’s a really good sign that you’ve got a good chance of making it.
Secondly, I would say that you need some support and healing for yourself. It is very, very common for women in this situation to meet the criteria for PTSD. Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries, someone who can help you consider healthy body image and help you repair your own sense of value as a person. You also might like to join the online resource, Bloom, which has forums, classes, and all sorts of support options for you.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi Luke. First, I want to thank you for your article. It seems to be one of the fairest treatments of the topic I’ve read so far. I have one troubling question but first, I need to provide some background. I’ll be as brief as possible, but you need all the information in order to give an accurate answer.
I was guilty of porn use during my first marriage. The day my wife and I were married, I knew she was truly in love with me. Sadly, it was not mutual. Although I cared for her deeply, I was not in love with her, but that would change as time went on. At no time was porn ever an addiction and it wasn’t even an issue until the final year or so of our marriage. I had been a committed Christian for almost 20 years prior to meeting my wife so pornography was never even on my radar. So how did it make its ingress? Due to fundamental incompatibility issues, our marriage was tumultuous from its inception. Any married couple will tell you that the first few years are the rockiest, as adjustments are being made on both sides. But for us, things never really improved. The numerous problems we experienced during our engagement should have alerted us to the fact that we were making a big mistake. Truth is, we did realize it, but we went through with it anyway. Several years into the marriage she admitted quite candidly that she didn’t respect me, citing my failure to show her love. My response was that my failure to show her love was the result of her not respecting me, but it was more than that. She wasn’t my ideal mate. She was lazy, irresponsible, immature (as any of our marriage councilors would have told you), and because her parents coddled her all her life, she had no sense of independence; a quality, very attractive to me. So my usual attitude toward her was one of marginalization. I knew that I needed to be more understanding and nurturing, but those mental and emotional resources were just not available to me during those early years because I was dealing with my own internal struggle, and I need to stress that it was no small issue. I want to make it clear at this point that at no time in our marriage did I ever hit her, call her names, or belittle her in any way. There was just this fundamental disconnect between us, and my failure to be the loving Christian husband God called me to be. I need to be honest about that.
Although sex was more frequent in the beginning, its frequency gradually decreased as the years went on. As ironic as it might sound, the truth is, I was intensely attracted to her sexually. But in the context of perpetual conflict and discord, there seemed to be this prodigious wall between the intimacy I wanted with her, and my ability to approach her for it. This wall was erected pretty early on in the marriage, and with no other way to gratify my desire for her, I would usually resort to masturbating (without porn). And yet even when doing so, my thoughts where almost always centered around her. As best as I know my heart, I believe I can say that had our marriage provided the grounds in which sexual activity could have flourished, pornography could not have possibly occurred. There simply would have been no context for it. The frustration of wanting intimacy, and yet feeling as though it was inaccessible, eventually took its toll, and that finally lead to the porn. I need to reiterate that although I resorted to it periodically in moments of abject frustration, it never consumed me. Regular sexual activity with my wife would have been far more preferable. The times my wife and I were intimate were exceedingly more stimulating, pleasurable, and fulfilling than porn could ever be or ever was. If porn was a candle, intimacy with my wife, when it occurred, was a bonfire. I should probably also mention that I myself am an above average looking guy. I had numerous opportunities to engage in extramarital affairs, and despite our problems, they were never even considered. One time I was propositioned by a very attractive woman at work. She was being coy about it, and so in an effort to not offend her unnecessarily, I just played dumb. I mention these things only highlife the fact that as a Christian, I took marital fidelity with the utmost seriousness.
After 10 years of constant tension and strife, we were both getting tired. And the “D” word finally entered into our conversation. A failed marriage wasn’t what either of us wanted, but we had both had enough. Then one day, something happened. One afternoon, we both resolved to sit down and decide once and for all, exactly where the marriage was going and what our intensions were. As it turned out, we actually achieved what I thought at the time, was a miraculous breakthrough. I experienced a change that day which inspired a heart-felt commitment to making whatever changes were necessary in order to make our marriage what God had intended it to be. That day, I felt a connection to her I rarely if ever felt before. And I thought that we had finally won the battle for our marriage. Of course there was still work to be done, but I truly believed the war itself had been won. And although I’m sure that the transition from caring deeply for my wife, to actually being in love with her, occurred much earlier, that was the day it became a realization to me. But…
Then things got very bad, very quickly. That day was coincidentally the same day she found the porn sites on the computer. But she never confronted me about it. Instead, we went out together for a day of shopping and were actually having a good time. So when did I learn that she had found out about the porn? When my father called me that day to question me about it. Yes, you read that correctly. Instead of coming to me, she went and told my father. My unsaved father who I’ve been trying to witness to for 30 years! So much for my version of Christianity, right? Talk about a breach of trust! Words cannot express the disgust I felt at that moment. I was literally dumbfounded; in complete shock at what she had done. I wasn’t able to speak to her for days afterwards. And it was a month or so before I was able to even feel anything for her other than anger. Yet as devastated as I was, I eventually found myself forgiving her for the inexcusable laps in judgement. I’ll just note in passing that it was exactly that kind of untoward thinking that I found myself having to deal with on a regular basis. Earlier, I took responsibility for most of our problems, but trust me, she wasn’t innocent.
For the next several months, we lived together in the same house, but were legally separated. During that time, I had not actively pursued a divorce because in my heart, I really didn’t want one, but apparently she did. One day, I received a letter from her attorney in which she was seeking to get me for everything she could possibly get her hands on, and I mean everything. I always thought that if and when we decided to pursue the divorce, we would just seek for mediation and part amicably. After all, we were Christians, were we not? Does scripture not forbid two Christians to go to court against each other? I again found myself in utter bewilderment. I felt like I didn’t even know her anymore. In retrospect, I should have just walked away and returned to it when I was in a better frame of mind. Instead, I immediately reacted. I told her I was moving out, possibly to stay with my brother. I left the house for several hours and she left as well. Upon returning, I discovered that she had taken one of our cats to an undisclosed location, fearing that I was going to “take it to my bothers”; my brother who hates cats. She retuned several hours later, cooked something for dinner and then went upstairs. After a short time, I followed her upstairs and began asking her where she took the cat. When she refused to disclose its whereabouts, I became furious, and actually tore our bedroom door off of the hinges. She then packed her bags, said “I can’t stay here anymore” and that was the last I ever saw of her.
For the next couple of months, I was actually glad she was gone. I felt liberated. Like my prison sentence was finally over. But those feelings of freedom were slowly replaced by an ever increasing sense of remorse over what had happened to us. I still loved her. And I knew that God’s grace was still bigger than the mess we created. We were Christians. We said our vows before God, family and friends. The fact that we both hurt each other deeply in the course of the marriage cannot be denied. Yet the truth is, there was no marital infidelity on the part of either of us. And if the marriage ultimately failed, what kind of pathetic testimony would we be to the world, to what God *CAN’T* do in the lives of two professing believers? The only means of contact I had with her was through email, and so I spent approximately the next 5 months imploring her to reconcile. Every attempt was ignored until one day I finally heard back from her. She basically said that she had been receiving my emails, but she wanted the divorce, and would not be dissuaded.
Having endeavored to be as honest as possible, my question is this; were there any biblical grounds for our divorce? The answer is expedient because until recently, I was not aware that pornography could serve as legitimate grounds for divorce. I was always under the impression that only the physical act of adultery could provide those grounds. My justification for entering into a second marriage was my wife’s refusal to reconcile. Now I’m concerned that this marriage may not have been entered into legitimately after all, and I am actually guilty of adultery. She has since remarried as well.
Thank you Luke. I await your reply.
It would probably be foolish of me to give some kind of definitive judgment about the rightness or wrongness of divorce from your comment. There are a lot of details to your story.
My thesis was written primarily to address how pornography could be grounds for divorce. The way I see Jesus using the term in Matthew 19, I think porneia could be defined “hardhearted sexual rebellion.” Given what you’ve told me, I’m not sure what you did qualifies, but that’s only based on your brief explanation.
First Corinthians 7 is another matter to consider, however. That deals more with abandonment of a marriage (of a non-believer). Do you think that would apply more to your situation?
Pleas, post the second one, not the first, thank you
lord bless
(I just corected my first post… sorry !)
Hi
What you wrote is interesting, but one thing is needed to be thought about…
When a man makes love with his wife they become one flesh the first time when they go to bed together…
If that man or woman, goes with another, then …
1 Corinthians 6:16 : Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
But when someone practice porneo, he don’t make love ( sorry but I want to say he don’t penetrate physically a woman) so he don’t become one flesh with that woman, so he is still one flesh with his wife and God said not to separate what God put together because they are still one flesh…
So I think he can separate because if there is no repentance she, or he, is unclean because he, or she had committed probably masturbation “on line “ together with the other but they didn’t become one flesh yet because they did made love “normally” together
You see what I mean…
What you think about
Sorry I am French and my English is not that good…
What you think about