Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post are the author’s, and do reflect an official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
“I am hurting so much over this…If I believed in divorce I would already have done it, and I am beginning to maybe believe divorce is ok. After all, this seems like a type of adultery to me. Am I wrong?” – Mary Ann
After writing more than 1,200 articles for Covenant Eyes and having replied to too many comments and e-mails to count, undoubtedly the most heart-wrenching stories I hear are from women who are living with a porn-addicted husband.
When a woman has discovered her husband is entrenched in pornography, reactions can vary greatly, but for many women it is nothing short of traumatic. Whether she’s dealing with the initial blow of uncovering a 20-year-long secret addiction, or she’s facing the daily blow of her husband’s coldness, for these women their life feels like a living hell.
In the past, when asked if divorce could ever be a viable option for these women, my typical response has been a reluctant no. As much as my heart went out to these women trapped in horrific marriages, I simply didn’t see any biblical justification for divorce in situations of porn use.
About a year ago I decided I was going to write my Master’s thesis about this topic and had intended to write a robust biblical defense of my position.
I never imaged I would come to the opposite conclusion.
Some Caveats
Before we launch into this issue, let me state a few caveats.
- Divorce is ugly. We must acknowledge, when addressing the subject of grounds for divorce, the situation that even prompts us to ask this question is under divine judgment. It is a question that involves real hearts, real homes, and a real God who really hates divorce. So it is with great sobriety that we take up this study.
- Having grounds for divorce is not the same as actually getting divorced. This article seeks to answer the grounds question as it relates to pornography. But having legitimate grounds for divorce does not necessitate divorce.
- This article is long and heady. This is not a delicate how-to article for couples in crisis. It is a clumsy attempt to summarize a 33,000-word theological Master’s thesis. Reader be warned.
- The opinions expressed here are my own. Divorce is a contentious issue, and I won’t dare to assume a single article forever settles the debates. I only hope it is a significant addition to the discussion.
The Central Text: Matthew 19:9
The locus of the debate about whether pornography use is ground for divorce is Matthew 19:9:
“I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Time and space do not permit me to get into every detail of this text, but a few observations are important:
1. This comment comes after a very strong affirmation about the divine intention for marriage. Just a few verses prior, Jesus says, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5).
Jesus uses a type of exegesis common early rabbinic Judaism called gezerah shavah, where the activity of God in the first text (making us male and female) is inferred in the second text (the two becoming one flesh). Thus, God is one who joins man and woman together in the covenant bond of marriage. God is the one who unites husband and wife in whole-life oneness. Therefore, what God has joined together, man should not separate (v.6). Marriage is meant to be a lifelong, loving covenant bond.
2. Jesus strikes at the Pharisees’ liberal view of marriage by saying all remarriages after invalid divorces are adulterous. In Jesus’ day, the majority position, promoted by Rabbi Hillel, was “any cause” divorce: any kind of indecency—real or imaginary—was grounds for divorce. As such, divorce was actually quite common among the Pharisees. This view is reflected in the Pharisee’s opening question to Jesus: “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” (19:3, italics added). In other words, they were asking, “Jesus, do you agree with Hillel’s position on divorce?”
Jesus’ answer is ruthlessly conservative: getting remarried to another is adultery after getting an invalid divorce. Jesus uses similar logic in other divorce texts (Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:12; Luke 16:18). Against all the cultural expectations of young men to get married, after hearing Jesus’ brazenly conservative view, even the disciples second-guess whether marriage is worth it (Matthew 19:10). Nonetheless, Jesus is stalwart in his view, assaulting the very attitude behind the Pharisees’ question. Marriage is never to be thought of as a casual union, subject to the cavalier whims of an lordly male. Marriage must be treated with respect and reverence.
3. Jesus nuances His view with an exception clause. Jesus’ conservative approach does not mean all marriages are completely undissolvable. After a marriage is severed, remarriage to another is not adulterous in the case of πορνείᾳ (porneia)—sexual immorality.
The majority Protestant position understands porneia to include any illicit sexual intercourse outside of marriage.*
The critical matter for our consideration is this: Would Jesus include pornography use as a divorcible offense?
Straw-Man Arguments
Generally, when I bump into those who think porn use can be grounds for divorce, I come across three very bad arguments. In the past, the weakness of these arguments kept me firmly convinced that pornography in itself could never be biblical grounds for divorce.
Bad Argument #1: Pornography is detrimental to a marriage, therefore it is grounds for divorce.
I agree pornography can be detrimental to a marriage, but grounds for divorce ought not be determined by how detrimental a sin is.
Some theologians want to stretch the definition of porneia to the breaking point, saying it encompasses all manner of offenses like emotional or physical abuse, blasphemy, or other generally destructive behavior. Quite simply, regardless of what we say about these terrible offenses, there’s nothing about the term porneia that suggests these meanings. Jesus was thinking of sexual sins specifically.
Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce
Viewing porn generally involves lust. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said the man who looks at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28). Jesus also said adultery is grounds for divorce—if we take porneia to mean adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). Therefore, it is argued, viewing porn must be grounds for divorce.
There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words. The intention of Jesus’ teachings in the Sermon on the Mount is to help His disciples understand the heart of the Law (Matthew 5:17). For instance, Jesus said to be innocent of murder is not enough; anger is also sinful and worthy judgment before the court and ultimately hellfire (v.21-22). It would be wrong to take Jesus’ hyperbolic comments about punishing anger and suggest we set up a formal tribunal to dish out penalties to those who speak harsh words to others. Similarly, to suggest spouses have grounds for divorce for moments of lust goes far beyond Jesus’ intention.
Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.
Bad Argument #3: Pornography Comes from the Word Porneia
Some use a linguistic argument showing porneia’s relationship to the modern term “pornography.” The term “pornography,” meaning “writings of/about prostitutes,” stems from the Greek porn– word group.
However, this is an exegetical fallacy. To interpret a Greek term by how that term has impacted modern languages leads to illegitimate conclusions. For instance, when the Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:8), it uses the term ἱλαρός (hilaros) from which we get the English word “hilarious.” If we tried to use a modern definition of “hilarious” to help us define the meaning of the original Greek term, we would come to erroneous conclusions. This makes a mistake of chronology: the Greek authors of the New Testament are not responsible for the development of another language hundreds of years after they wrote their materials.
Doubt Sets In
In the past when I’ve commented on the subject of porn and divorce, my motivation has been to defend Jesus’ conservative view of marriage against the encroachments of liberalism—all the while, trying to show immense compassion for the person whose spouse is deeply mired in pornography.
I reasoned, “Sure, in instances where porn addiction escalates to physical adultery or when an unbelieving spouse is so mired in porn they utterly abandon the marriage, we can talk about the possibility of divorce. But porn use in an of itself is not a legitimate grounds for divorce.”
Generally, the question tends to be phrased this way: “Can pornography use ever be considered adultery?” If it can, some reason, it could be grounds for divorce. Of course, answers to that question will vary depending on who you talk to.
But I now believe we come to misinformed stances on this issue because we’re simply asking the wrong question.
A couple years ago I watched a short video interview with Pastor Douglas Wilson where he addresses this very question. Wilson’s point is that when Jesus uses the term porneia in Matthew 19:9, it is a broad term for “sexual uncleanness,” including adultery but not limited to adultery.
Not too long after this I read these words by Pastor John MacArthur in his book The Divorce Dilemma: God’s Last Word on Lasting Commitment:
In the Greek text, Jesus employs the word porneia, which is capable of a broad range of meanings. It is a general term for fornication (illicit sexual intercourse), but can also apply to various kinds of lascivious or immoral behavior, ranging from a moral flaw in one’s character (such as an obsessive addiction to pornography) to the act of bestiality—or even worse. It’s not the specific Greek word for adultery, which would be moicheia—but certainly includes adultery. (The Divorce Dilemma, p.23-24)
Here were two conservative theologians saying essentially the same thing: Jesus didn’t say “except for adultery”; He said “except for porneia,” which is a broader term.
I knew further investigation was warranted, so I set out to find answers.
So, What Does Porneia Mean?
Often, lexicons will define porneia as illicit or unsanctioned sexual intercourse or any sexual activity outside of marriage. The word can also have a nuanced meaning determined by context—such as a specific kind of sexual sin like incest or prostitution.
A widespread Protestant position on Matthew 19:9 is that Jesus is speaking primarily of adultery, and there’s good reason to think this. Nearly any kind of porneia you can name, when committed by a married person, is adulterous in effect. Adultery was the commonly assumed ground for divorce in the Near East in Jesus’ day, so undoubtedly, this was the primary manifestation of porneia that would have come to mind for Jesus’ listeners.
But there are many reasons to believe porneia is not merely a synonym for adultery—even though the terms are closely linked.
- Porneia and adultery are often paired as separate sins in the New Testament (Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:22; 1 Corinthians 6:9; Hebrews 13:4).
- In the New Testament, the term porneia sometimes implies not just isolated acts of sexual immorality but habitual immorality and an attitude of lasciviousness (Romans 1:29; Galatians 5:19; Colossians 3:5; Revelation 2:21).
- Other works of Greek literature show porneia is not synonymous with adultery, but is rather the disposition and behavior that leads to adultery (Sirach 23:23; Herm. 1:3-8).
- Sometimes the word is used to describe an attitude and motivation of lust and objectification (Tobit 8:7).
In other words, porneia focuses on the violating attitude and act, where as adultery focuses on a common effect of this act.
With this broader meaning in mind, it is best to not translate porniea as “adultery” (The Message) or “fornication” (KJV, ASV). The terms “unfaithfulness” (NLT, Phillips) or “sexual unfaithfulness” (CEB) could also lead be misleading. Rather “sexual immorality” (ESV, HCSB, NIV, NKJV) or “unchastity” (NRSV) are closer to the actual meaning.
Prostitution in Rome in the Days of Christ
The word porneia is also undeniably linked to the concept of prostitution. In Greek culture, the complexes where prostitution took place were called porneia. It was also a term of derision: people who held licentious parties in their homes were said to turn their houses into porneia. Thus, if we’re going to understand what the term porneia means, we need to understand the profession of prostitution as it was practiced in Jesus’ day.
Prostitution was practiced all throughout the Mediterranean region, including Israel, Egypt, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Syria—and especially Greece and later Rome. In the sixth century B.C., the statesman Salon of Athens was not only the “father of democracy,” he was also the father of state-sponsored sex slavery, establishing houses of prostitution in Athens and filling them with female slaves. Brothels were found throughout Athens, especially near the marketplace and in front of the citadel. Throughout Greece, it was generally accepted that young men and even married men would frequent prostitutes.
Rome essentially followed much of the Athenian model and developed laws to regulate prostitution. The first time Roman administrators established a full registry of Rome’s brothels there were 64 official bordellos containing 35,000 women and 2,000 men. Prostitution in Rome complimented the mixed sexual morals of the culture.
But the sex industry also had a vibrant and visible entertainment wing. In a class of their own were the prostitutes that engaged in formal entertainment: the aulētris (flute player), the psaltria (singer), and the orchēstris (dancer). These entertainers had a generally low sexual and social status, though highly talented entertainers were counted among the upper-class courtesans. These entertainers were common at Athenian banquets and private parties. Ionian and Phrygian woman were widely know and at times well paid for their skills: a performance of flute playing, zither playing, or drumming combined with erotic dancing that amounted to a striptease. Often they had other skills such as juggling, fencing, and acrobatics.
While these entertainers also worked the streets, they frequented Greek symposia (parties for socializing, drinking, intellectual discussion, and entertainment).There are numerous references to erotic dancers in comedic and sympotic literature. The comic playwright Aristophanes called these women “dancing pornai.”
Pornography as the Entertainment Wing of Prostitution
While the erotic dancers, singers, and flute players of ancient Rome were specialized entertainers in their own right, they were, at the heart of their profession, slave-prostitutes. Their erotic performances at banquets and symposia were a manifestation of their trade—the sale of their bodies for the pleasure of freemen.
The parallels between the modern porn industry and the symposia entertainers of Rome show us that the term porneia was not limited merely to behaviors involving sexual intercourse, but all kind of licentious behaviors, embracing both activity and attitude.
- First and foremost is the nature of their professions: the sale of their bodies for sex and their roles as “entertainers” for the lusts and enjoyment of men. For the orchēstris of Rome, the open door symposia was their stage. For prostituted women today, their stage is millions of publicly accessible websites. Thanks to webcam technology, for instance, there is virtually no line between “interactive pornography” and virtual prostitution.
- Like the brothels of ancient Athens and Rome, women in porn industry today are subjected to the same kinds of terrible conditions in their line of work: body-punishing sex, STDs, as well as a toxic and abusive environment.
- Like many of the lowest class of slave-prostitutes in ancient Rome, many of those featured in porn films today are indeed trafficked women and children. Others are in positions of economic desperation—they “consent” to a life of prostitution, but only in the most demented sense of the word.
- Like the few select aulētrides of ancient Rome who climbed ladder of success to be counted among the wealthy and elite, the porn industry too has its superstars. Big money-makers branch out beyond their personal appearances in porn films to build a brand around their name, and like the prostitute-entertainers of old, gain a measure of freedom and wealth.
- Like the socially respectable symposia of ancient Rome, the pornography industry in Western culture has become mainstream. With the proliferation of porn, in many circles casual or even routine engagement with porn is seen as normal and healthy. In addition, mainstream movies, television, theater, music, and advertising have become porn-like—what Brian McNair calls “the pornographication of the mainstream.”
The pornography industry is the entertainment wing of prostitution, just as the dancing girls of the brothels (the porneia) in the Roman Empire were the sources of entertainment for Roman nobility.
An analogy might bring some clarity to the question. At what point in the following series of scenarios does someone cease to be guilty of porneia?
- Scenario #1: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly frequents prostitutes to have sex with them (clearly porneia).
- Scenario #2: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly visits homes where prostitution is taking place, but instead of having sex with them, he immerses himself in the sex-saturated environment, watching the orgies, so he can masturbate in front of them.
- Scenario #3: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly connects to prostitutes online to watch live-stream videos of them having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #4: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches recorded videos of prostitutes having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #5: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches the same videos as scenario #4, but the women don’t call themselves prostitutes. They call themselves “porn stars.”
Drawing a hard line is no easy task. The change of physical proximity, timing, or labeling of the participants does not change the fact that in each scenario the man is seeking the services of prostituted women to immerse himself in a world of licentiousness.
Jeremiah 3-4: The Key to Application
In my studies about this issue, the million dollar question I kept asking is this: How does a person differentiate between the everyday lusts of the heart and the kind of porneia Jesus says is a divorcible offense?
The answer is found in the rest of Jesus’ comments to the Pharisees.
After stating his position on the matter, the Pharisees ask Jesus, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7). The background to their question is the first century debate about Moses’ divorce legislation in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. If Moses permitted divorce, how does this square with Jesus’ very conservative position?
Jesus replies with this statement: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8). God permitted divorce under Moses, and still permits divorce, as a concession for the victims of partners with hard and stubborn hearts.
Behind Jesus’ answer is Jeremiah 3-4, God’s dire warning to Judah that judgment is coming unless she repents of her unfaithfulness. As her covenant husband (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 2:2; Ezekiel 16:8-14), God wants to shower blessings on her, but she is rebellious, prostituting herself before other gods. He threatens to divorce Judah just as He did Israel.
That this is the text in Jesus’ mind is evidenced by three major observations:
- Jeremiah is clearly alluding to Moses’ divorce legislation from Deuteronomy 24 in his prophecy (Jeremiah 3:1,8). In fact, it is the one indisputable text in the whole Old Testament that makes reference to Moses’ divorce law, so it makes perfect sense why Jesus would appeal to it in light of the Pharisee’s question.
- In the Greek translation of this text (the LXX), the term porneia is used to describe Israel’s sin. “Because she took her whoredom [porniea] lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree” (3:9). Repeatedly, Judah’s sin is likened to prostitution (3:1-2, 6-10, 13), a sin for which God sent Israel away with a decree of divorce (3:8).
- In the Greek translation of this text, the term “hardness of heart” (σκληροκαρδίαν) is used (4:4)—the same term Jesus uses to describe the reason why divorce is permissible in certain instances. Judah was not merely playing the whore. She treated her prostitution lightly (3:9). Judah refused to be ashamed of her sin (3:3). She was rebellious (3:13). Her seeming repentance was nothing but pretense (3:10). In a word, Judah was hardhearted in her unfaithfulness.
In other words, if divorces must happen at all, they should happen according to pattern given to us by God Himself. God divorced Israel because of her porneia and hardness of heart, which amounted to more than just adultery—it was unrepentant rebellion.
On this basis, some Christian denominations have recognized Jesus did not mean that single acts of sexual thoughtlessness are grounds for divorce—not even in case of a physical affair—but rather Jesus was talking about persistent, unrepentant sexual sin.
The same is true of pornography use. Alone, instances of using pornography or even a habit of looking at porn are not the only factors to consider. Rather, it is critical to assess hardness of heart.
Thus, we should not think of grounds for divorce as a solid line one crosses but rather a continuum of heart-hardening sexual rebellion. God did not divorce Israel after a single instance of spiritual adultery—had He done that, He could have divorced her at Mt. Sinai, or in the wilderness, or during the reign of the judges, or during Solomon’s reign. God was patient, but eventually He wrote Israel a bill of divorce and sent her away into exile because of her callousness.
Porn and Hardness of Heart: Practicing Discernment
Even if we’re convinced pornography use can be a manifestation of hardhearted sexual rebellion, how do we assess the state of someone’s heart?
The words of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 are particularly helpful in this regard. Here Jesus offers for His followers a model of confrontation in cases of persistent sin.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Jesus presents a three-tiered approach:
- In cases of pornography use, assuming the offending partner has not brought the offense to light of his own accord, the first people to discover the offense are often those closest to the situation. This can be spouse, a child, or even an employer. Regardless of the circumstances of the discovery, an individual Christian should approach the offending spouse to discuss the nature of his fault. This should be done with a motivation of restoration: “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
- If this confrontation is not followed by a process of clear repentance and reconciliation, “one or two others” should then become involved. These two or three individuals—ideally those who are spiritually mature and objective—can lovingly confront the offender and, if necessary, provide witness to the confrontation should the case be brought to the church as a whole later on.
- If this conversation or series of conversations are met with a refusal to listen, the church should be made aware of the sin. How one should “tell it to the church,” of course, involves discernment and will depend somewhat on how the church is governed. In this third stage, the goal is still restoration, not unnecessary humiliation.
If this final confrontation is met with stubborn refusal to listen, the result should be excommunication: “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider and unrepentant sinner. And yet even this should be done in a spirit that aims at the sinner’s eventual repentance (1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
As for the offended spouse, this process of church discipline should serve as a divinely given means to both expose hardness of heart as well as push the erring person in one direction or another.
Vicki Tiede, in her book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, advocates for women to go through these three levels of confrontation prescribed in Matthew 18:15-17. Tiede includes a couple helpful diagrams for wives to consider so they can discern the Lord’s will in their situation. First, she asks women to consider their own hearts: on a scale of 1 to 10, how forgiving they have been with their husbands?
Next, she asks women to examine their husbands’ hearts, evidenced by their behavior: on a scale of 1 to 10, how repentant have their husbands been as they have been confronted by the church?
Tiede writes, “Divorce enters the picture if heart is operating near the high end of the scale, with continuous movement towards ten, while your husband’s heart is operating very near the low end of the scale” (p.246).
Once the third and final level of confrontation is reached, Vicki Tiede recommends a time of mediated separation for the couple in order to “create the crisis necessary for him to seek help and finally work toward restoration,” with the goal still being the restoration of the marriage. She writes:
“Think of it this way: the greatest gift you can give your husband is to love God more than you love your husband. God can redeem your husband; you cannot. Thus you love him more by loving in light of his need to repent” (p.244).
It is important churches and spouses avoid unnecessary extremes when it comes to church discipline. On one hand, it is best to keep the number of people involved deliberately small. The tenor behind Jesus’ words is to keep the matter as narrow as possible when it comes to involving others in the communication. On the other hand, church members should avoid making promises of “confidentiality” in the strict sense of the word. To promise not to gossip or slander is biblical, but to promise confidentiality only closes the door to future biblical discipline.
Churches should not rush the process. Each stage of communication might take several meetings, especially if there are at least hints of cooperation from the offending spouse. Plus, only time will tell just how much the erring spouse has truly listened at any stage. The goal is not only the promise to stop the pornographic behavior, but the rebuilding of trust and intimacy in the marriage through changed behavior. Tiede comments:
“You will choose to trust your husband when you are ready. Don’t worry—trusting and forgiving are not the same thing. Rebuilding trust will probably take much longer than it will take to forgive. You will know it’s time to trust when your heart helps you to choose to believe that he will make the right choices. His behaviors will become your trust barometer” (p.89).
Conclusion
In my opinion, pornography use, when it is hardhearted and unrepentant, can certainly qualify as porneia and therefore grounds for divorce.
The Westminster Confession of Faith wisely urges, in the unfortunate and hopefully rare cases where divorce is being considered, that “a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills and discretion, in their own case.” As in many highly emotional and life-altering situations, when divorce is being considered, God does not want couples to be left on their own to discern His will and wisdom in the matter.
As the church we have a high calling to stand with couples in crisis and point them to the One whose love for His bride knows no end, whose justice is perfect, and whose grace increases more than all the infidelities in the world.
* For the sake of simplicity and brevity, in this article we do not address some of the other views of how porneia should be translated in this text, such as an unlawful or illicit marriage or as premarital sex before or during betrothal. These views have been championed by many intelligent Catholic and Protestant commentators, and they are dealt with at length in my thesis.
I realise this is an old thread. Just wondering if the thesis has been uploaded to this site or if an email copy is still possible?
Hello Mrs. T – I have asked the author if this is still available and I will let you know.
-Chris
Covenant Eyes
My husband turned from Christianity eight years ago when he realized that God wasn’t a genie there to grant all his wishes (his words, not mine). This by the way was one month after our marriage and claims to hate God if he is real. He doesn’t demand that I give up God or not teach the children but he is constantly “joking” around about our beliefs and harassing us for them. His porn is everyday all day long, even while at school. He doesn’t try to hide it but claims to hate it due to the fact that it has a hold on him and not at all because it hurts me. He believes that because I’m not perfect that I deserve what I get (again, his words, not mine). His porn has escalated to some seriously disturbing stuff and uses it to attempt to control and abuse me. He claims that if I had more sex with him that it would stop, I tried, it doesn’t. The way he abuses me with it is that he says that I have absolutely no right to complain about it and if I don’t deal with it, me and the kids can leave. Which at the moment we are at least 1000 miles away from my family, because of our relationship I have no friends and my education has been placed on hold to serve him. I feel totally stuck which I can do something about but first I need to know whether I may have grounds for a guilt/sin free divorce because all this marriage has brought me is hate, bitterness, jealousy, and at one point away from God. Other than a godly love and desire to see him saved I have no love left for him and know that unless God calls him, removes his blinders and softens his heart (I know it can be done) this will be my whole life… any advice would be greatly appreciated?!
Hi there. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. It’s so heart breaking that your husband hates porn and yet can’t seem to take responsibility for himself.
I would say that at this point, you’ve got to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. Let me give you a couple of links to articles on boundaries, here and here.
I hope Luke’s article was helpful to you in thinking about your own situation, and whether porn is grounds for divorce in your case. I’m a counselor, and my own opinion is that extensive pornography use like you’re describing will often lead to the same kinds of trauma symptoms as physical abuse in wives. Many many wives in situations like yours will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Most churches today would consider unrepentant physical abuse to be grounds for divorce, and when I see the same PTSD symptoms in women who have been abused by porn, I don’t know why we’re hesitating to say that this kind of porn use is also abuse.
I think a separation doesn’t necessarily mean a divorce. A separation can be a step toward healing, actually, if your husband were to take the opportunity to get into recovery. If you haven’t read our free download, Hope After Porn, you might appreciate the stories of several women who decided to separate for that very reason, and found it to be helpful in recovery. Sometimes guys do take the opportunity that a separation offers, and start to deal with their problems. Sometimes not. It’s really up to the individual and the choices they make.
From a professional perspective, I would like to see you separated from the kind of traumatic abuse you’re describing, for a period of healing and so that you can consider your boundaries from a place of safety. I would recommend finding a therapist who can help you process your emotions and think about those healthy boundaries. You might want to look for someone who has experience in counseling survivors of domestic abuse. Because I do think that’s what you’re talking about here.
Peace to you, Kay
Hi. Do you think that Jesus meant that a person who marries a divorced woman commits adultery? Ie. Can a woman who was divorced by her husband and is the innocent party remarry? Jesus said that if they divorce their wives unfairly they cause them to commit adultery. This has restrained me from seeking to remarry.
Hey Rachael.
I think very few people these days would consider remarriage after divorce to be adultery.
Jesus was speaking at a time in history when women had absolutely no power. Women were property. They did not marry by their own choice, but rather at the will of their family patriarch. Men could divorce women for any reason whatsover, and then the woman would be without any kind of support unless her family gave her to another man. You can imagine the potential scenario: men throwing their wives away, and women being passed around at will.
So I think Jesus’ point was saying to the men, you’re being unjust in your treatment of your wives, and that sin will be on your soul. Don’t think you can throw another person away without consequences to yourself. Jesus was calling society forward, toward more justice, toward more mercy.
Our current model of marriage is quite different, of course, but women (and men) still find themselves being victimized in different ways.
I think if Jesus spoke today, he would still be interested in treating victims with mercy and justice, rather than as throw-away people.
I hope that helps as you consider the way ahead.
Peace to you, Kay
I would be interested in your thoughts about a man who has many porn relapses, but is always very repentant and sorry (seemingly genuine) each time. Has even confessed when his wife doesn’t catch him. But he is a serial porn user. He can’t seem to permanently stop. Does his wife have a right to say “This is the end. You fit Matt 19:9 and I’m divorcing you” or does his (seeming) genuine repentance after each offense prevent that?
Great question, Mark. Obviously, this question is a generality, and specific details matter a great deal.
First, I would want to know what this previous “repentance” looked like. What was the fruit of that repentance? Did it involve distancing oneself from porn and the temptation to look at it? Or was it merely in words only? If distancing happened, in what way? What barricades were put in place? How did this man get through those barricades? Did his repentance involve restitution with the spouse? Did it involve confession to spiritual mentors in the church who can assist?
Second, I would want to know how the church has been involved in this process. Ideally, trusted church members would be involved in this situation, offering counsel, advice, discipleship, and, at times, rebuke and discipline. I would ask those people their assessment of the situation. As the end of my article indicates, the God-given means of discerning hardness of heart is process of church discipline outlined by Jesus, so that would matter a great deal in how we assess the situation.
Luke, thank you for your article. I have experienced a very strange twist of the story you wrote. Basically, I am considering divorcing my wife because of her unforgiving heart and desertion. I am the offending spouse and have made efforts to restore/reconcile our marriage but my wife wants nothing to do with me. Let me know if you would want to hear the story. It also involves the church poorly handling church discipline.
I would love to hear the story, yes. I’m not sure what advice I can offer, not being a first-hand observer of your situation, but I am very willing to listen.
Hi Luke,
If reconciliation is always the goal, is this still true for a couple who are unequally yoked?
My situation is simple, we were married while not being true believers. I became saved, my husband completely rejects Jesus and the church and has an extreme porn addiction that he believes he is entitled to and does not plan on changing. What am I left to do?
Yes. Paul makes as much clear in 1 Corinthians 7:13, “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.” Reconciliation is definitely the best scenario. That said, this does not mean you don’t have grounds for divorce. Reconciliation is a good goal, but it takes two people to make this happen.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Have you been able to confide in anyone at your church about this?
Hi Luke,
Wondering what your thoughts would be on my situation.. I’m a Christ follower and believe that once you marry you become “one.” However, after getting married my husband and I moved in together and within the first month of marriage I knew something wasn’t right. We were newlyweds and he wasn’t interested in having sex with me at all. I felt completely alone and rejected. After 8 months of him watching and hearing me crying myself to sleep and telling him how rejected I felt. I finally asked him If he watched porn and he denied it repeatedly until finally he admitted that he had had a porn addiction for 13 years prior to us meeting. I felt extremely betrayed because I had shared hard things about my past with him in complete transparency and he had hid such a huge part of himself from me. I was and still extremely hurt. That was 2&1/2 years ago and since then there have been repeated relapses after always promising it would be the last tome. He found the app Covenant Eyes for us to use, because he wanted me to hold him accountable for his addiction, but it turned out that it was all just manipulation to get me to trust him so that he could continue in the addiction even more. I just recently found out that after having the app for almost a year it never worked properly because he didn’t actually set it up to link up his phone activity, for more months he used the covenant eyes app to prove that he was abstaining from porn use but it was all a lie! I now feel completely numb, and his addiction has affected every aspect of my life. We also found out he was infertile a year ago so we started doing IVF last June and while I was going through so much physical pain and sickness from all the shots and medications he was using porn and being distant during one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to take on. I went through so much trauma from the infertility and porn addiction, but the thing that makes me the most hurt is all the lies and secrets he hid from me and continued to do even after marriage. I’m in my late 20’s and I’m a personal trainer. I enjoy helping people feel good about themselves, but my husband’s addiction took that part of me away. I used to be so confident and feel so beautiful but porn took that away from me and has even made me question if I would ever want to marry or be able to trust again. No one can understand the pain, rejection and trauma of porn unless they’ve been through it. Prayers would be appreciated for the next phase of my life. I’ll be praying for all of you beautiful warriors that have endured or are still enduring the pain of your husband’s porn addiction.
Sorry Luke, I couldn’t finish your article b/c it pissed me off. I wonder how you’d feel if your wife cheated on you for over a decade? It’s SO easy for the unoffended to have this view. You don’t understand what it does to a women. It changes us into someone we’re not. I used to be a fun loving, outgoing person and Now I can barely get out of bed.
Each woman has the right to decide for herself if she wants out. You should really have a forum on here too and let women and men to have a place to share about specific things in their lives.
Your comment box is also too small.
Hi Anne,
I don’t know your situation in full, but from the details you gave, your husband certainly sounds like he’s quite far gone. So sorry hear what you’ve gone through.
I’m not exactly sure what in my article you disagree with. We seem to both agree that porn can be grounds for divorce, so was there something specific you didn’t like. Was it my treatment of a specific passage of concept?
I separted from my hubby after 12 years of his relapsing back into porn. We were separated in the home. He’s had four or five relapses even when we were separated. Long story short, it ain’t worth staying. I don’t care what anybody says. My son gave up his room so “dad could stay” and I thought it would wake him up.
So I come home after a rough day of getting lost on the way to the doctor and I come home and find him with a phone plugged in next to our bed that our son doesn’t use anymore and lo and behold, guess what I find on there?
Do you know how many holidays and birthdays he’s ruined after me finding porn? I’ve got CE on one puter and his work phone and he finds other ways for his drug.
Now, I’ve got a suicidal 18 yo with a deadly severe eating disorder b/c of his addiction. Ladies, just get out. I wish I would have at Christmas time did 2006 when I first caught him. If you stay, it’ll mess up your kids. It’s NOT worth it. YOU”RE worth more than a man who prefers other women.
I’m going to file for divorce soon. It’s not worth staying. I’m 43 and I want a live outside of his drug of choice. If it was alcohol or drugs, would you stay? What’s the difference when it’s porn? It’s adultery. Period. He broke his marriage vows and “is not content in the marriage.” God might hate divorce, but he allows it for adultery.
IN the OT adulterers were stoned. Most women I’ve talked to at Celebrate Recovery say the odds aren’t in my favor. And most of them are divorced. I know two other women whose children have the same problems mine do: suicidal thoughts/attempts, cutting themselves and/or other addiction problems like drug use.
Porn allows Satan to have a foothold in your home. Once he destroys the marriage (and mine is), he’ll start in on your children. I wish I NEVER stayed. So…again, we’re sleeping separately. Even my children wish we’d just get it over with and divorce so there will be no more fighting.
He can have his drug. I’m getting a life w/o him as soon as I can.
So…will this comment be approved or not, Luke?
I found out today that my H used the belt on my kids. I told him to NEVER ever use it like his father did and he did it anyway. His porn use has damaged my kids so much and me too.
hey Anne. I’m so sorry this is coming to divorce in your situation. It’s always heart breaking to see all the pain that brings a marriage to that point. It’s certainly not what anyone hopes for, is it? At the same time, I’m really glad you’re able to make decisions that are healthy for you. I hope you’re finding help for yourself and for your kids in all this. Divorce Care can be a big help, both for you and for the kids. And of course personal counseling can make a big difference. Blessings to you and your family as you heal, Kay
Anne, I hear ya. I think we are made to treat these men like they are sad sausages who need lots of pity and help. If that is so, why did God stone them to death in the old testament? He had NO tolerance for adulterers. It’s simple. STOP THE SIN. If these men can control themselves enough to not masturbate to a co worker in the middle of the lunch room, then they can control themselves to not masturbate/look at pornography/lust after other women, out of respect the their wives who they made the most serious of vows to.
These men get a plethora of excuses in ‘christian’ circles and the poor wife is left in an endless cycle of forgiving, working through all the junk, having hopes built up, only to be betrayed again and again. These men are reprobates and will not change. I’m 40 and getting out now before I wake up 50 having endured another 10 years of this nightmare.
Thank you for saying this. It’s so true! Satan is the hater of all good. He is very happy when he can destroy a family. I found out my husband of 17 years was viewing porn videos last week. From what I can tell, he’s been visiting several times a week for at least a year and a half. The guy who said “so your husband watched porn once and now you want a divorce “, has not done his homework on this subject. Is there a man on the face of this earth who can watch porn only ONCE? It’s highly addictive and as has already been stated, it changes the brain and rewires it. And isn’t that what Satan is all about?
I don’t want this evil in my home with me and my children any longer.
Because of my husbands choices, Satan has a foothold in my home. I will have that discussion very soon with my husband-we need to separate so we can both begin the healing process. He has to work out his own salvation and so do I.
So wise, Mae! I hope you’ve got the support of a good therapist as you work on your healthy boundaries. Here, here and here are some articles that might help as you think that through. And don’t forget the great online resources at Bloom for Women. I hope your husband is able to make better choices in the future, but whatever he decides, you can always be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay
It has been a number of years since you wrote this comment. I pray that you were able to separate from these evil practices and get your feet on the ground. As an adult who was once a child in a home as you describe, I appreciate your concern for your children and the affects it has had on them. The effects on me were profound. I was insulted and my reputation smeared by the abusers when I acted out as a child because of the environment. And then when I was older and turned to Christ and took on much personal burden to clean up my life and utterly separate from the sin, I was insulted for being clean in my approach to life. Decades later I’m now having to counsel the next generation because the abuse has never been dealt with, rather accepted as a lifestyle choice and maybe even silently celebrated. So another generation gets drawn in. Sick stuff. What makes this sicker is that the children in the family did not have any choice in the matter. They were born into it. At least this time the children will be protected. All the pastors and ministry leaders who connive the innocent parties to remain in a virtual prostitute house while the children of the family are phyiscally maturing ought to be disciplined! God indeed may hold them spiritual accountable (as scripture says it is better to be tied to a millstone than to cause a young one to stumble) Lines have been blurred by our society’s practices so that we can no longer see sin for what it is. We curse the younger generations and then act bizarrely confused why there is so much overt immorality and divorce. These addicts need a firm and strong hand. God can purify the heart and mind. The men in their churches should be holding them accountable and protecting the innocent parties! My abuser just now told me that the teens in the family are old enough to see whatever choices they want to make and be ok with it. After all these decades, there’s been no repentance, but they go to church on Sunday and deliver the sermon. Nope. The line has been drawn and these generational curses have been cut. We have victory in Christ.
I wish you would have kept religion out of this article, it weakens what is otherwise a very good article.
Hey Martha. I’m curious what is “good” in the article if my “religion” was left out. Since the entire article is based on a Master’s thesis about a passage in the Bible, it would seem there’s not much left in the article you would call good. Can you clarify what you mean?
I like the focus of your article. In a spiritual sense the hardness of heart factor is very important. But the Covenant of marriage is broken with pornography use – it is no longer a marriage. Whether or not their can be remarriage remains to be seen – even if the heart softens and repents, the damage to the porn users brain is extensive and may not allow for remarriage. Those images are burned in their mind…but perhaps that’s a topic for another thesis – can a renewed mind completely be restored to porn users. All things are possible with God – may he have mercy on this generation. And may we all be equipped for the battle of our souls and that of the next generation!
Thanks for the thoughts, AD, but I’m not quite sure what you mean by “it is no longer a marriage.” Does this mean a single act of looking at something pornographic makes one’s marriage vows null and void? At what point does any form of lust cancel a marriage covenant?
What if the renewed mind of a recovering sex-addict, doesn’t believe in generational sin, curse or iniquity, what ever you want to call it? Says he’s not a sex addict after only 8 months of counseling , of a 45 year addiction. I have had to pray and bind and loose for my own kids and grandkids, cuz of the family name. And the so called Godly heritage. Known all over the world. I have learned through my Heavenly Father that He is not a respect or of persons and He loves us all the same. Precious! God is TRUTH, and the truth will set you free. Those that deny or don’t want to look at the truth, sit in judgement. Just my opinion. That’s what I’ve found in my situation anyway.
Hey Jean. There are lots of different ways to think about habitual porn use, and lots of ways to go about recovery. What really matters is that the person who has the problem takes responsibility for that problem and works on the problem. I think you are wise to be cautious about “complete healing” after a 45 year addiction. I’ve seen writers talk about 5 years as a good benchmark for recovery, and that’s when the person is taking responsibility and doing their work. There’s a lot more to recovery than “not looking at porn right now.” There’s a whole bunch of other healing that needs to take place, and often addicts are unaware of the true depth of the issues.
Make sure you’re getting the support you need in the recovery process as well. I often see men getting help but their wives being left behind. After 45 years in an addicted marriage, I’m sure a personal counselor could be a great help to you, as well as a group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon.
Blessings, Kay