Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this post are the author’s, and do reflect an official stance of Covenant Eyes. While recognizing the reality of brokenness caused by pornography, Covenant Eyes celebrates restored relationships whenever possible. We recommend our article 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages that Overcame Porn if you are looking for encouragement!
“I am hurting so much over this…If I believed in divorce I would already have done it, and I am beginning to maybe believe divorce is ok. After all, this seems like a type of adultery to me. Am I wrong?” – Mary Ann
After writing more than 1,200 articles for Covenant Eyes and having replied to too many comments and e-mails to count, undoubtedly the most heart-wrenching stories I hear are from women who are living with a porn-addicted husband.
When a woman has discovered her husband is entrenched in pornography, reactions can vary greatly, but for many women it is nothing short of traumatic. Whether she’s dealing with the initial blow of uncovering a 20-year-long secret addiction, or she’s facing the daily blow of her husband’s coldness, for these women their life feels like a living hell.
In the past, when asked if divorce could ever be a viable option for these women, my typical response has been a reluctant no. As much as my heart went out to these women trapped in horrific marriages, I simply didn’t see any biblical justification for divorce in situations of porn use.
About a year ago I decided I was going to write my Master’s thesis about this topic and had intended to write a robust biblical defense of my position.
I never imaged I would come to the opposite conclusion.
Some Caveats
Before we launch into this issue, let me state a few caveats.
- Divorce is ugly. We must acknowledge, when addressing the subject of grounds for divorce, the situation that even prompts us to ask this question is under divine judgment. It is a question that involves real hearts, real homes, and a real God who really hates divorce. So it is with great sobriety that we take up this study.
- Having grounds for divorce is not the same as actually getting divorced. This article seeks to answer the grounds question as it relates to pornography. But having legitimate grounds for divorce does not necessitate divorce.
- This article is long and heady. This is not a delicate how-to article for couples in crisis. It is a clumsy attempt to summarize a 33,000-word theological Master’s thesis. Reader be warned.
- The opinions expressed here are my own. Divorce is a contentious issue, and I won’t dare to assume a single article forever settles the debates. I only hope it is a significant addition to the discussion.
The Central Text: Matthew 19:9
The locus of the debate about whether pornography use is ground for divorce is Matthew 19:9:
“I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
Time and space do not permit me to get into every detail of this text, but a few observations are important:
1. This comment comes after a very strong affirmation about the divine intention for marriage. Just a few verses prior, Jesus says, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5).
Jesus uses a type of exegesis common early rabbinic Judaism called gezerah shavah, where the activity of God in the first text (making us male and female) is inferred in the second text (the two becoming one flesh). Thus, God is one who joins man and woman together in the covenant bond of marriage. God is the one who unites husband and wife in whole-life oneness. Therefore, what God has joined together, man should not separate (v.6). Marriage is meant to be a lifelong, loving covenant bond.
2. Jesus strikes at the Pharisees’ liberal view of marriage by saying all remarriages after invalid divorces are adulterous. In Jesus’ day, the majority position, promoted by Rabbi Hillel, was “any cause” divorce: any kind of indecency—real or imaginary—was grounds for divorce. As such, divorce was actually quite common among the Pharisees. This view is reflected in the Pharisee’s opening question to Jesus: “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” (19:3, italics added). In other words, they were asking, “Jesus, do you agree with Hillel’s position on divorce?”
Jesus’ answer is ruthlessly conservative: getting remarried to another is adultery after getting an invalid divorce. Jesus uses similar logic in other divorce texts (Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:12; Luke 16:18). Against all the cultural expectations of young men to get married, after hearing Jesus’ brazenly conservative view, even the disciples second-guess whether marriage is worth it (Matthew 19:10). Nonetheless, Jesus is stalwart in his view, assaulting the very attitude behind the Pharisees’ question. Marriage is never to be thought of as a casual union, subject to the cavalier whims of an lordly male. Marriage must be treated with respect and reverence.
3. Jesus nuances His view with an exception clause. Jesus’ conservative approach does not mean all marriages are completely undissolvable. After a marriage is severed, remarriage to another is not adulterous in the case of πορνείᾳ (porneia)—sexual immorality.
The majority Protestant position understands porneia to include any illicit sexual intercourse outside of marriage.*
The critical matter for our consideration is this: Would Jesus include pornography use as a divorcible offense?
Straw-Man Arguments
Generally, when I bump into those who think porn use can be grounds for divorce, I come across three very bad arguments. In the past, the weakness of these arguments kept me firmly convinced that pornography in itself could never be biblical grounds for divorce.
Bad Argument #1: Pornography is detrimental to a marriage, therefore it is grounds for divorce.
I agree pornography can be detrimental to a marriage, but grounds for divorce ought not be determined by how detrimental a sin is.
Some theologians want to stretch the definition of porneia to the breaking point, saying it encompasses all manner of offenses like emotional or physical abuse, blasphemy, or other generally destructive behavior. Quite simply, regardless of what we say about these terrible offenses, there’s nothing about the term porneia that suggests these meanings. Jesus was thinking of sexual sins specifically.
Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce
Viewing porn generally involves lust. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said the man who looks at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:28). Jesus also said adultery is grounds for divorce—if we take porneia to mean adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:9). Therefore, it is argued, viewing porn must be grounds for divorce.
There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words. The intention of Jesus’ teachings in the Sermon on the Mount is to help His disciples understand the heart of the Law (Matthew 5:17). For instance, Jesus said to be innocent of murder is not enough; anger is also sinful and worthy judgment before the court and ultimately hellfire (v.21-22). It would be wrong to take Jesus’ hyperbolic comments about punishing anger and suggest we set up a formal tribunal to dish out penalties to those who speak harsh words to others. Similarly, to suggest spouses have grounds for divorce for moments of lust goes far beyond Jesus’ intention.
Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.
Bad Argument #3: Pornography Comes from the Word Porneia
Some use a linguistic argument showing porneia’s relationship to the modern term “pornography.” The term “pornography,” meaning “writings of/about prostitutes,” stems from the Greek porn– word group.
However, this is an exegetical fallacy. To interpret a Greek term by how that term has impacted modern languages leads to illegitimate conclusions. For instance, when the Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:8), it uses the term ἱλαρός (hilaros) from which we get the English word “hilarious.” If we tried to use a modern definition of “hilarious” to help us define the meaning of the original Greek term, we would come to erroneous conclusions. This makes a mistake of chronology: the Greek authors of the New Testament are not responsible for the development of another language hundreds of years after they wrote their materials.
Doubt Sets In
In the past when I’ve commented on the subject of porn and divorce, my motivation has been to defend Jesus’ conservative view of marriage against the encroachments of liberalism—all the while, trying to show immense compassion for the person whose spouse is deeply mired in pornography.
I reasoned, “Sure, in instances where porn addiction escalates to physical adultery or when an unbelieving spouse is so mired in porn they utterly abandon the marriage, we can talk about the possibility of divorce. But porn use in an of itself is not a legitimate grounds for divorce.”
Generally, the question tends to be phrased this way: “Can pornography use ever be considered adultery?” If it can, some reason, it could be grounds for divorce. Of course, answers to that question will vary depending on who you talk to.
But I now believe we come to misinformed stances on this issue because we’re simply asking the wrong question.
A couple years ago I watched a short video interview with Pastor Douglas Wilson where he addresses this very question. Wilson’s point is that when Jesus uses the term porneia in Matthew 19:9, it is a broad term for “sexual uncleanness,” including adultery but not limited to adultery.
Not too long after this I read these words by Pastor John MacArthur in his book The Divorce Dilemma: God’s Last Word on Lasting Commitment:
In the Greek text, Jesus employs the word porneia, which is capable of a broad range of meanings. It is a general term for fornication (illicit sexual intercourse), but can also apply to various kinds of lascivious or immoral behavior, ranging from a moral flaw in one’s character (such as an obsessive addiction to pornography) to the act of bestiality—or even worse. It’s not the specific Greek word for adultery, which would be moicheia—but certainly includes adultery. (The Divorce Dilemma, p.23-24)
Here were two conservative theologians saying essentially the same thing: Jesus didn’t say “except for adultery”; He said “except for porneia,” which is a broader term.
I knew further investigation was warranted, so I set out to find answers.
So, What Does Porneia Mean?
Often, lexicons will define porneia as illicit or unsanctioned sexual intercourse or any sexual activity outside of marriage. The word can also have a nuanced meaning determined by context—such as a specific kind of sexual sin like incest or prostitution.
A widespread Protestant position on Matthew 19:9 is that Jesus is speaking primarily of adultery, and there’s good reason to think this. Nearly any kind of porneia you can name, when committed by a married person, is adulterous in effect. Adultery was the commonly assumed ground for divorce in the Near East in Jesus’ day, so undoubtedly, this was the primary manifestation of porneia that would have come to mind for Jesus’ listeners.
But there are many reasons to believe porneia is not merely a synonym for adultery—even though the terms are closely linked.
- Porneia and adultery are often paired as separate sins in the New Testament (Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:22; 1 Corinthians 6:9; Hebrews 13:4).
- In the New Testament, the term porneia sometimes implies not just isolated acts of sexual immorality but habitual immorality and an attitude of lasciviousness (Romans 1:29; Galatians 5:19; Colossians 3:5; Revelation 2:21).
- Other works of Greek literature show porneia is not synonymous with adultery, but is rather the disposition and behavior that leads to adultery (Sirach 23:23; Herm. 1:3-8).
- Sometimes the word is used to describe an attitude and motivation of lust and objectification (Tobit 8:7).
In other words, porneia focuses on the violating attitude and act, where as adultery focuses on a common effect of this act.
With this broader meaning in mind, it is best to not translate porniea as “adultery” (The Message) or “fornication” (KJV, ASV). The terms “unfaithfulness” (NLT, Phillips) or “sexual unfaithfulness” (CEB) could also lead be misleading. Rather “sexual immorality” (ESV, HCSB, NIV, NKJV) or “unchastity” (NRSV) are closer to the actual meaning.
Prostitution in Rome in the Days of Christ
The word porneia is also undeniably linked to the concept of prostitution. In Greek culture, the complexes where prostitution took place were called porneia. It was also a term of derision: people who held licentious parties in their homes were said to turn their houses into porneia. Thus, if we’re going to understand what the term porneia means, we need to understand the profession of prostitution as it was practiced in Jesus’ day.
Prostitution was practiced all throughout the Mediterranean region, including Israel, Egypt, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Syria—and especially Greece and later Rome. In the sixth century B.C., the statesman Salon of Athens was not only the “father of democracy,” he was also the father of state-sponsored sex slavery, establishing houses of prostitution in Athens and filling them with female slaves. Brothels were found throughout Athens, especially near the marketplace and in front of the citadel. Throughout Greece, it was generally accepted that young men and even married men would frequent prostitutes.
Rome essentially followed much of the Athenian model and developed laws to regulate prostitution. The first time Roman administrators established a full registry of Rome’s brothels there were 64 official bordellos containing 35,000 women and 2,000 men. Prostitution in Rome complimented the mixed sexual morals of the culture.
But the sex industry also had a vibrant and visible entertainment wing. In a class of their own were the prostitutes that engaged in formal entertainment: the aulētris (flute player), the psaltria (singer), and the orchēstris (dancer). These entertainers had a generally low sexual and social status, though highly talented entertainers were counted among the upper-class courtesans. These entertainers were common at Athenian banquets and private parties. Ionian and Phrygian woman were widely know and at times well paid for their skills: a performance of flute playing, zither playing, or drumming combined with erotic dancing that amounted to a striptease. Often they had other skills such as juggling, fencing, and acrobatics.
While these entertainers also worked the streets, they frequented Greek symposia (parties for socializing, drinking, intellectual discussion, and entertainment).There are numerous references to erotic dancers in comedic and sympotic literature. The comic playwright Aristophanes called these women “dancing pornai.”
Pornography as the Entertainment Wing of Prostitution
While the erotic dancers, singers, and flute players of ancient Rome were specialized entertainers in their own right, they were, at the heart of their profession, slave-prostitutes. Their erotic performances at banquets and symposia were a manifestation of their trade—the sale of their bodies for the pleasure of freemen.
The parallels between the modern porn industry and the symposia entertainers of Rome show us that the term porneia was not limited merely to behaviors involving sexual intercourse, but all kind of licentious behaviors, embracing both activity and attitude.
- First and foremost is the nature of their professions: the sale of their bodies for sex and their roles as “entertainers” for the lusts and enjoyment of men. For the orchēstris of Rome, the open door symposia was their stage. For prostituted women today, their stage is millions of publicly accessible websites. Thanks to webcam technology, for instance, there is virtually no line between “interactive pornography” and virtual prostitution.
- Like the brothels of ancient Athens and Rome, women in porn industry today are subjected to the same kinds of terrible conditions in their line of work: body-punishing sex, STDs, as well as a toxic and abusive environment.
- Like many of the lowest class of slave-prostitutes in ancient Rome, many of those featured in porn films today are indeed trafficked women and children. Others are in positions of economic desperation—they “consent” to a life of prostitution, but only in the most demented sense of the word.
- Like the few select aulētrides of ancient Rome who climbed ladder of success to be counted among the wealthy and elite, the porn industry too has its superstars. Big money-makers branch out beyond their personal appearances in porn films to build a brand around their name, and like the prostitute-entertainers of old, gain a measure of freedom and wealth.
- Like the socially respectable symposia of ancient Rome, the pornography industry in Western culture has become mainstream. With the proliferation of porn, in many circles casual or even routine engagement with porn is seen as normal and healthy. In addition, mainstream movies, television, theater, music, and advertising have become porn-like—what Brian McNair calls “the pornographication of the mainstream.”
The pornography industry is the entertainment wing of prostitution, just as the dancing girls of the brothels (the porneia) in the Roman Empire were the sources of entertainment for Roman nobility.
An analogy might bring some clarity to the question. At what point in the following series of scenarios does someone cease to be guilty of porneia?
- Scenario #1: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly frequents prostitutes to have sex with them (clearly porneia).
- Scenario #2: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly visits homes where prostitution is taking place, but instead of having sex with them, he immerses himself in the sex-saturated environment, watching the orgies, so he can masturbate in front of them.
- Scenario #3: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly connects to prostitutes online to watch live-stream videos of them having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #4: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches recorded videos of prostitutes having sex with others while he masturbates.
- Scenario #5: A man openly, habitually, and unrepentantly watches the same videos as scenario #4, but the women don’t call themselves prostitutes. They call themselves “porn stars.”
Drawing a hard line is no easy task. The change of physical proximity, timing, or labeling of the participants does not change the fact that in each scenario the man is seeking the services of prostituted women to immerse himself in a world of licentiousness.
Jeremiah 3-4: The Key to Application
In my studies about this issue, the million dollar question I kept asking is this: How does a person differentiate between the everyday lusts of the heart and the kind of porneia Jesus says is a divorcible offense?
The answer is found in the rest of Jesus’ comments to the Pharisees.
After stating his position on the matter, the Pharisees ask Jesus, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7). The background to their question is the first century debate about Moses’ divorce legislation in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. If Moses permitted divorce, how does this square with Jesus’ very conservative position?
Jesus replies with this statement: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so” (Matthew 19:8). God permitted divorce under Moses, and still permits divorce, as a concession for the victims of partners with hard and stubborn hearts.
Behind Jesus’ answer is Jeremiah 3-4, God’s dire warning to Judah that judgment is coming unless she repents of her unfaithfulness. As her covenant husband (Isaiah 54:5; Jeremiah 2:2; Ezekiel 16:8-14), God wants to shower blessings on her, but she is rebellious, prostituting herself before other gods. He threatens to divorce Judah just as He did Israel.
That this is the text in Jesus’ mind is evidenced by three major observations:
- Jeremiah is clearly alluding to Moses’ divorce legislation from Deuteronomy 24 in his prophecy (Jeremiah 3:1,8). In fact, it is the one indisputable text in the whole Old Testament that makes reference to Moses’ divorce law, so it makes perfect sense why Jesus would appeal to it in light of the Pharisee’s question.
- In the Greek translation of this text (the LXX), the term porneia is used to describe Israel’s sin. “Because she took her whoredom [porniea] lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree” (3:9). Repeatedly, Judah’s sin is likened to prostitution (3:1-2, 6-10, 13), a sin for which God sent Israel away with a decree of divorce (3:8).
- In the Greek translation of this text, the term “hardness of heart” (σκληροκαρδίαν) is used (4:4)—the same term Jesus uses to describe the reason why divorce is permissible in certain instances. Judah was not merely playing the whore. She treated her prostitution lightly (3:9). Judah refused to be ashamed of her sin (3:3). She was rebellious (3:13). Her seeming repentance was nothing but pretense (3:10). In a word, Judah was hardhearted in her unfaithfulness.
In other words, if divorces must happen at all, they should happen according to pattern given to us by God Himself. God divorced Israel because of her porneia and hardness of heart, which amounted to more than just adultery—it was unrepentant rebellion.
On this basis, some Christian denominations have recognized Jesus did not mean that single acts of sexual thoughtlessness are grounds for divorce—not even in case of a physical affair—but rather Jesus was talking about persistent, unrepentant sexual sin.
The same is true of pornography use. Alone, instances of using pornography or even a habit of looking at porn are not the only factors to consider. Rather, it is critical to assess hardness of heart.
Thus, we should not think of grounds for divorce as a solid line one crosses but rather a continuum of heart-hardening sexual rebellion. God did not divorce Israel after a single instance of spiritual adultery—had He done that, He could have divorced her at Mt. Sinai, or in the wilderness, or during the reign of the judges, or during Solomon’s reign. God was patient, but eventually He wrote Israel a bill of divorce and sent her away into exile because of her callousness.
Porn and Hardness of Heart: Practicing Discernment
Even if we’re convinced pornography use can be a manifestation of hardhearted sexual rebellion, how do we assess the state of someone’s heart?
The words of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17 are particularly helpful in this regard. Here Jesus offers for His followers a model of confrontation in cases of persistent sin.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Jesus presents a three-tiered approach:
- In cases of pornography use, assuming the offending partner has not brought the offense to light of his own accord, the first people to discover the offense are often those closest to the situation. This can be spouse, a child, or even an employer. Regardless of the circumstances of the discovery, an individual Christian should approach the offending spouse to discuss the nature of his fault. This should be done with a motivation of restoration: “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
- If this confrontation is not followed by a process of clear repentance and reconciliation, “one or two others” should then become involved. These two or three individuals—ideally those who are spiritually mature and objective—can lovingly confront the offender and, if necessary, provide witness to the confrontation should the case be brought to the church as a whole later on.
- If this conversation or series of conversations are met with a refusal to listen, the church should be made aware of the sin. How one should “tell it to the church,” of course, involves discernment and will depend somewhat on how the church is governed. In this third stage, the goal is still restoration, not unnecessary humiliation.
If this final confrontation is met with stubborn refusal to listen, the result should be excommunication: “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector,” that is, as an outsider and unrepentant sinner. And yet even this should be done in a spirit that aims at the sinner’s eventual repentance (1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
As for the offended spouse, this process of church discipline should serve as a divinely given means to both expose hardness of heart as well as push the erring person in one direction or another.
Vicki Tiede, in her book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, advocates for women to go through these three levels of confrontation prescribed in Matthew 18:15-17. Tiede includes a couple helpful diagrams for wives to consider so they can discern the Lord’s will in their situation. First, she asks women to consider their own hearts: on a scale of 1 to 10, how forgiving they have been with their husbands?
Next, she asks women to examine their husbands’ hearts, evidenced by their behavior: on a scale of 1 to 10, how repentant have their husbands been as they have been confronted by the church?
Tiede writes, “Divorce enters the picture if heart is operating near the high end of the scale, with continuous movement towards ten, while your husband’s heart is operating very near the low end of the scale” (p.246).
Once the third and final level of confrontation is reached, Vicki Tiede recommends a time of mediated separation for the couple in order to “create the crisis necessary for him to seek help and finally work toward restoration,” with the goal still being the restoration of the marriage. She writes:
“Think of it this way: the greatest gift you can give your husband is to love God more than you love your husband. God can redeem your husband; you cannot. Thus you love him more by loving in light of his need to repent” (p.244).
It is important churches and spouses avoid unnecessary extremes when it comes to church discipline. On one hand, it is best to keep the number of people involved deliberately small. The tenor behind Jesus’ words is to keep the matter as narrow as possible when it comes to involving others in the communication. On the other hand, church members should avoid making promises of “confidentiality” in the strict sense of the word. To promise not to gossip or slander is biblical, but to promise confidentiality only closes the door to future biblical discipline.
Churches should not rush the process. Each stage of communication might take several meetings, especially if there are at least hints of cooperation from the offending spouse. Plus, only time will tell just how much the erring spouse has truly listened at any stage. The goal is not only the promise to stop the pornographic behavior, but the rebuilding of trust and intimacy in the marriage through changed behavior. Tiede comments:
“You will choose to trust your husband when you are ready. Don’t worry—trusting and forgiving are not the same thing. Rebuilding trust will probably take much longer than it will take to forgive. You will know it’s time to trust when your heart helps you to choose to believe that he will make the right choices. His behaviors will become your trust barometer” (p.89).
Conclusion
In my opinion, pornography use, when it is hardhearted and unrepentant, can certainly qualify as porneia and therefore grounds for divorce.
The Westminster Confession of Faith wisely urges, in the unfortunate and hopefully rare cases where divorce is being considered, that “a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills and discretion, in their own case.” As in many highly emotional and life-altering situations, when divorce is being considered, God does not want couples to be left on their own to discern His will and wisdom in the matter.
As the church we have a high calling to stand with couples in crisis and point them to the One whose love for His bride knows no end, whose justice is perfect, and whose grace increases more than all the infidelities in the world.
* For the sake of simplicity and brevity, in this article we do not address some of the other views of how porneia should be translated in this text, such as an unlawful or illicit marriage or as premarital sex before or during betrothal. These views have been championed by many intelligent Catholic and Protestant commentators, and they are dealt with at length in my thesis.
Excellent work. will love to have a copy
Hi l read your article and was interested in the women who have been hurt by their husbands addiction.What these women expressed in words rang true in my experience.l have been married for 33 years and intamacy stopped within 5 years or less.I always blamed myself as l’d put on weight after having my children.He did n’t find me attractive any more. I had endless rejection,he spent more and more time away from me on his computer.l eventually found out he was into porn heavily.l confronted him,he said he was sorry but continues to this day.We’ve had Christian and secular counselling but he never admitted to his habit as he felt ashamed. He’s had deliverence ministry,prayer and pastoral advice.Before we got married he said he’d been into porn but had been delivered of this. I walked into marriage naively, believeing in my marriage vows before God never to quit on my marriage.The thing that changed this was his continuing addiction,each time l felt slapped in the face.Intimately in the past l would want to push him out of me but didn’t know why in my spirit until his addiction came to light.I forever hoped in restoration.l yearned for our first love in those early years not realising the unbelievable hurt his habit would cause me.Have l forgiven him, many times.Now l feel emotionally detached from him l don’t want him to touch me as l know he doesn’t really want me.He wants the she conservative exterior of a marriage,but it’s now a sham.I have Fibromyalgia and am registered disabled this is stress induced l wonder what caused this! I have had bariatric surgery and have lost over 9 stone so my weight insn’t an issue anymore but no moves towards me.He lives his life in one room and me the other.Apart from shopping, and sharing the same bed we don’t really share our lives together.I am now contemplating divorce as l’ve remained the faithful wife but now totally broken.
Hi, I’m so sorry to hear about this. We hear it from a lot of women. They feel drained and defeated. I’d like to recommend the articles we have about rebuilding marriage. Please let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help. https://www.covenanteyes.com/category/rebuild-your-marriage/
Dear Luke,
I am both heartened and disheartened by your post. I have an M.A. in Teaching — but one of my undergraduate degrees was in Media Studies. After working many years as an actress in musical theater and then turning 40 (oops — too old to be valuable) I began a long journey into seeing the arts for the exploitation industry it is. Reading an early 1960s speech to the FCC by Newton Minnow, he referred to television as a “vast wasteland”. Google the speech. You will be shocked at what a true prophet he was. Interestingly, Philo T. Fransworth, the inventor of the cathode ray tube and father of television, would not even have one in his house once he saw how it was being used. I did intense studies of the portrayal of women in the arts and the only consistent measurable data found was they had to be young, thin, and beautiful — and willing to flaunt their assets to move ahead in the industry. It hit closer to home when my own formerly Emmy nominated daughter appeared as a guest ‘star’ on the cable porn series, Californication, because her agent insisted she would go no where if she kept her modesty. Guess what, her career tanked from there.
Enter my research into the Internet, with another degree in Multimedia and Design. I saw what was happening to women in the ad industry: lift her boobs, trim the waist, tone the legs — I photoshopped myself to prove a point in class. I was 45, they we 20. Visual sex sells even if it is phony. I won’t even describe the “positive” feedback I got. Suffice to say the point was lost on the young males of the species.
The point of this being that men arrogantly will mentally use the visual image to initially fantasize the encounter and place themselves into the sex scene with another woman. They physically ejaculate imagining themselves physically one with the other woman. If that simple scenario isn’t enough to convince someone they are committing adultary in the mind, heart, and in their hands, I don’t know what is. Is it divorce worthy? Yes. You don’t need a degree in theology to understand this breaks two commandments, fulfills the warning that you have now gone beyond “lusting” after a woman in your heart and brought the scope of desire and sexual fulfillment full circle — and cheated with another woman other than your wife. Hence, this is grounds for divorce. When will we take this seriously? Everyone wants to add the caveat — “Well if he only does it a couple of times, you want that to be grounds for divorce?” It NEVER happens a couple of times, boys! It is crack! Because statistics (and, unfortunately my personal experience) show that eventually it isn’t enough. Strip clubs are next, followed by teasing with the idea of a prostitute and eventually the encounter takes place. Or an affair. Or both. If men took this seriously — like losing their house and half of the 401k seriosly, maybe they would stop cheating with “barely legals” and discover how to cherish the wife of their youth! Whaaat? She isn’t the hot babe you married? Well, neither are you the hunk of burning love from your 20s!
Can reconciliation happen? Is it preferable? The answer is only sometimes yes. On discovery day the man is relieved of the dead rotting corpse he is dragging around — but he puts that burden on his wife and now she has to carry around the insecurity of not being young, pretty or skinny enough, not being chosen, and not being able to tell when her husband is lying to her because he spent years developing a talent for deception and fraud.
Thanks, Annie.
I suppose my research and yours has led both of us to similar conclusions, but the point of my thesis was to refute the notion that mere physical adultery was all Jesus’ could have been referring to when he said porneia. It would seem you agree.
That said, Jesus also sees hardness of heart to be another key in the whole matter. Did God divorce Israel after single instances of lust for other gods? No. We should not see grounds for divorce as lone acts of indiscretion after which repentance is heartily pursued. We do this not because we think these sins are unharmful. We do this because we desire to emulate God in his fidelity to His people.
Wow Annie. Good one. Well said.
I just discovered my husband’s 15-year addiction by looking at the symptoms online and confronting him. Your last paragraph sums up where I am right now so well that I am crying as I write this. All the PhDs, Scholars, and Professionals in the world, with their oh-so-savvy biblical interpretations, have no right to declare that a woman has no grounds for divorce to a porn addict for even the first offence. The damage to me is permanent, regardless of whether I stay or not. I forever know I am unable to measure up to the real and fake beauty of porn images which my husband is surely thinking about with every kiss and touch. He risked his marriage, his reputation among family on both sides, his relationships with his friends, and most importantly the love of his wife, all for self-gratification of sex by proxy. That is extremely selfish and hard-hearted, and shows where his priorities are. My relationship is forever changed, whether I stay married or not. I may never fully trust him and I question his love, probably always will feel insecure in trust and love for any man the rest of my life. I question his sincerity. Is he crying because he got caught, or because he is repentant? My heart is broken, and I long for the days of old when a husband thought his wife beautiful because of her lovely chocolate eyes, her sparkling personality, her brilliant smile, her deep love for him, and he didn’t have images of all those provocative and beautiful women by the thousands to compare her to, and become dissatisfied. Is it adultery? Absolutely. He has turned to other women for sexual satisfaction. What I am feeling now is on the same scale as being cheated on physically.
Hey there. I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. A discovery like this is devastating. Many, many women who go through this will meet the criteria for PTSD. And, I find that often there is so much emphasis placed upon changing the man’s habits and behaviors (which do need to change!) that wives are frequently left without the support and help that they desperately need to heal. So, whatever your husband chooses to do with this discovery, whether he chooses to take responsibility for himself and enter recovery or not, please immediately seek help for yourself to process the pain and grief you’re feeling, and to explore what healthy boundaries will look like for you going forward.
Personal counseling is a great place to start–counseling JUST FOR YOU. (I don’t think this is an issue appropriate for couples’ counseling, until he is well into his recovery. He needs a CSAT certified therapist.) Groups can help too: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon.
As terrible as this is right now, I do want to let you know that men CAN change. It takes time and commitment and a whole lot of personal responsibility, but it can happen. It happened in my marriage. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about the different kinds of situations I’ve seen–from guys who love their addiction more than their own lives, to guys who really want to get well and will do the work that it takes. And here’s another one about boundaries, and one about the restoration of trust.
Stay smart about what you’re seeing, but know that change is real, healing is possible. My own story is that our marriage is exponentially better today than it ever was before my husband got into porn. When we choose to turn toward Home, God redeems. I hope your husband makes that choice! Meanwhile, get the support that you need to be healthy as you go forward.
Blessings, Kay
Way to go, Annie!! Beautifully expressed! Actually, I think that a husband who masturbates imagining himself having sex with any woman other than his wife breaks, not just two commandments, but four: “You shall not commit adultery”; “You shall not covet”; “You shall have no other gods before Me” (The masturbation and the young hotties he fantasizes about are, indisputably, idols in his heart and mind.); and “You shall not lie” (A man addicted to lust and masturbation ALWAYS lies about it in order to protect his cherished sin.)
Oh my gosh Annie! It’s like you’ve been reading the thoughts that have passed back and forth through my mind for all these years and then put some of them down “on paper”. That last paragraph; some would see those as the words of an angry woman, but I don’t I know those words and I know your pain. I am so very sorry my dear sister.
For those of us who went into marriage truly wanting a one-flesh relationship with our husbands (and believing God’s promise that it is possible), our husband’s choice in pursuing pornography, masturbation and adultery cuts deeply. First, we start out weeping and asking why. After all, we plead, “don’t you see how much this hurts us and it changes how we perceive you? We don’t understand how a Christian man would choose this over a Christ led marriage. I so wanted this blessing for us. I remember writing in my Bible something that I had read shortly after I found out about the affair and echoed my feelings at the time. It reads, “The unfaithfulness of your mate marks the passing of two innocent beliefs; that your marriage is exceptional and that you are unique or prized. Whatever you loathed about yourself, now defines you. The loss of your basic sense of self is an injury that cuts much deeper than the infidelity itself.” Yes, if we could see each other we would see a bunch of wounded, bandaged up bodies in varying stages of healing. Then we get angry at the person that is causing all this pain because we feel like an animal caught in a trap, writhing in agony and our husband, like a bystander, looks on with only emptiness in his eyes.
I loved my husband but there was nothing that I could say that would change him. I remember my then 11 year old son, wanting to call his Dad one last time, hoping that there was something else to say to change his Dad’s heart. I too thought, that through all the struggle, there must have been something I didn’t say that could have illuminated the truth and help him see the devastation he was creating. But he was already gone; already given over to his sin. Hope keeps you coming back for that next “slap in the face” realization that it is what it is; a heart problem on his part and nothing was going to change. But we so want it to change Lord.
How many hours spent crying and praying? You out there know the answer. When you thought that your heart could take not one little bit more of pain, you reminded yourself that the Lord will give you the strength you need. That promise is the only thing that kept you going. I was so grateful for that promise fulfilled. I was so grateful for all the promises I read. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” That was one of the verses that I prayed softly into my hands, into my bed sheets; into anything nearby that I could lean into for that moment of releasing the sorrow that welled up uncontrollably. To be like Job with faith that makes you an inspiration to thousands upon thousands and generation upon generations. But Job, like us, was only human. He had questions to ask that God did not answer. WE know the reason he suffered as he did. And even when his questions went unanswered, and God chastised him, he walked away from all that humbled and praising God.
You grieve because you have lost someone you loved. You say goodbye to the hope of having a loving relationship with this man. You know that neither of you are perfect. Your head was not in the clouds; it just believed in the possibility that you both could/would love each other the way God intended.
But you know what hurt more than any one other thing? It was the lies. “You didn’t see what you think you saw.” “You’re imagining things that aren’t true.” No, he didn’t lust after that person 3 times right in front of you, only later to confess he did. Or what about this one…”It’s not lust, I just like looking at God’s creation.” “I didn’t tell you about my addiction or fornication before we were married because it happened before I knew you”…even though you poured your heart out to him before your marriage about your abortion when you were an unbelieving 14 year old because a 27 year old man knew how to groom you and paid to hide it from your parents. Wasn’t it only fair that we both knew who we were marrying so that it was our choice to accept each others past and present failures freely?
The lies create such a reality from Hell. All you want to do is run to remove yourself from the chaos. Truth cries out, but am I the only one who hears her? My emotions are raw and I struggle to push the pain down further, just so I can function for the day; just so I can bring some normalcy to the two children I love so much. But one little brush with physical pain releases all that sorrow. It must be heard. But there are no words that pour forth; only groaning because there are no words. My Father in heaven understands what those sounds are saying and He is holding me.
The trust that was/is so foundational in a relationship has died. And it seems like the mourning of it’s loss goes on and on. We long for someone on earth that we can trust and it should be the greatest example of trust with the one we are married to. Someone who knows us and we know them. To be like Adam and Eve, unashamed before the one you love. So, don’t think that I am a man basher. I am so grateful for all the characteristics that God formed in men. I believe that a man compliments me; that we are meant to be together. I have faith in God’s design. But I would be less than honest if I didn’t say that I don’t think that I will be able to trust another man to the point of marrying again. When a man looks you in the eye (after he tells you how much he loves you) and lies when you know he is lying, there is something that takes flight and you wonder if there will ever be a time when you will be able to see trust returning on the horizon. And it is that inability to trust that makes you feel the most dead. Those lies have wrapped themselves around you like the death bandages of Lazarus in the tomb and to this day I am waiting for the call of Christ, “Becky come forth.” Come forth from all the ugliness, all the hurt and false promises of a fallen world. Because that is what we live in and I have to remind myself of that all the time. I must run this race with endurance with my eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.
Help me Jesus to accept what I cannot change and be a witness for You. May I never do anything to bring Your name shame. Give me the strength to trust again; to love as You love. Help me to accept that the only true joy will not be found here apart from being in Your company. Help me to heal. Help all those women out there to heal. May what they have suffered and the words of comfort on their lips be the cool drink they can offer another in pain. Thank you for your Son, Jesus Christ who will one day dress us in beauty and present us spotless to His Father. May the Holy Spirit comfort you as only He can. So, all my sisters in Christ, may the Lord bless thee. May He make His face to shine upon thee and give you peace. May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all :-)
Hi Annie
You’ve got me in tears, you hit the nail right on the head with your statements.
I am married for the last 10 years and discovered that my husband was addicted to porn about 2 years into the marriage. I was devastated, but still so young and naïve. He convinced me that everyone does it and that I am over reacting. My libido has always been higher than his. I felt dirty and on the few occasions that we had sex, I did not feel any connection with him. Then we didn’t have sex for about 6 months. I tried my best to seduce him, but he just wasn’t interested. I won a few beauty pageants and look very well after myself. Not that it should matter. When I asked him about why he wasn’t interested in sex he said that I don’t treat him right and that made him not in the mood. I kept on doubting myself. But thinking back after 10 years and being more mature, I suspect that he was watching porn again that time. Few months later I found teen porn on his laptop. I hit the roof, he swore that he would never do that again. I felt very, very hurt and if I wasn’t pregnant with my first child I would have divorce him. Then he promised, as they all do that he would never do it again. I believed him. I wanted to so badly. I thought he had put it behind him even though we still didnt have much sex, he would prefer watching a series while I would wait in bed for him. Then I caught him masterbating in the shower. Again all the hurt come back, it seems like he was truly sorry. I suspect maybe he has been watching and masturbating all this time, but has just became so good at lying.
He started with his own business beginning of this year and that takes him away from home for about 2 – 3 weeks in a month. I am always excited to see him when he gets back because I crave intimacy. But again even after all that time away, no interest in sex. He watches his series on netflix until I sleeps. Last night, I asked him if he is into porn again. He didn’t answer me, still waiting for an answer. We are both christian and take our christianity very seriously, for that reason I am trying my best not to consider divorce. But I am hurting, I feel rejected, unloved and bitter.
I really don’t know what to do.
Luke, just wondered if you know of a book for my grown adult Son who is really in depression, grieving over our divorcing. His Dad was born and raised in the church, and has been a sex addict since he was 14. 46 years. His dad was very much living a double life. We were married 41 years. My Son just can’t believe this. All I can do is pray for him and love him love him love him. I can forgive, as I always have, but I don’t have to go back.
But anyway, any good book to send his way?
Great question. I cannot think of a book that is written to people in your son’s exact situation. Your son ought to be grieving over your divorce because it is a sad thing. That said, he should not stay in a state of toxic grief. I would encourage him to really delve into any good resources about the fatherhood of God. More than anything, he needs to look to his heavenly Father now that he has seen the face of his earthly father’s sins.
That is a sad situation and heartbreaking for a Mom. Yes, there is a book written by a respected Christian author, Dr Doug Weiss, specifically for Adult Children of Sex Addicts. It’s available at B&N or his website.
Luke,
I live in Moscow Idaho, the home of Doug Wilson. I have a family acquaintance that attended Doug Wilson’s church for a number of years. His wife divorced him with the full blessing of Doug Wilson. The justification was porn use. You know what he did that was considered “porn use justifying divorce”? Top Gun. The man watched Top Gun and Doug Wilson recommended his wife divorce him for it. The man’s former (and good looking) bride just a few weeks ago remarried another man within the church.
I am a big fan of covenant eyes and what you guys do, but do realize that your article is promoting ideas that are already being used to justify the unjustifiable. The ideas you are articulating (moving away from the traditional requirement of physical adultery for divorce) can, will and are being abused.
Thanks for the heads up about Doug Wilson. I have no working knowledge of that specific situation, so I won’t comment about it specifically. That said, will people abuse this information? Yes. I have no doubt they will. All we can do is do our best to articulate the position as it is meant to be followed.
Actually, I would say that Doug Wilson is in the same ilk with Doug Phillips and RC Sproul Jr. All a bit on the extreme side of the Patriarchal Movement and Covenant Theology, and many in that movement are being found to be guilty of affairs and other gross sin. I personally steer clear of those guys and choose to stay a bit more mainstream these days. I would actually say that my rights as a man to have his sex with his wife no matter what, and consequently my porn habits when sex wasn’t enough, thrived under these gentlemen’s teachings when I was in the Vision Forum movement. Not all preachers associated with that movement are the same on this matter, but I find in general that they are very unfair toward women in troubled marriages.
I Totally disagree with this statement. Any born again believer will soberly looks at their life and seek God’s guidance before a divorce. The final word on this lies with God and we can trust confidently that he is aware of all sin and nothing is hidden from
Him. We answer to him alone not man. Hardness is heart is the dark pit and believe me Satan would love for us to stay there but the Lord will make a way if there is one for our release. We are not trapped we are joint heir with Jesus and no weapon formed against us will prosper in Jesus Name.
Good article, good research! Would you send me a copy (PDF) of your thesis please?
Yes. The seminary is actually planning on publishing it at some point, I think.
Luke, any chance you will post your whole thesis online? It sounds fascinating and illuminating.
I hope to be able to give it away soon, yes!
Marianne, KD, Rena, April and all the other women who are (have been) in the same boat, my heart breaks with yours.
It is truly gut wrenching to feel day after day that you are not enough. To watch the man you exchanged “for better or worse…until death” vows with; the man you were hopeful would cherish, love and protect your heart above all else, end up being the one to crush you. To experience the cycle countless times, begging and holding out hope that was the last time.
I have found marriage can be the lonliest you’ve ever felt. Faking a smile to the outside and keeping your husband’s addiction/your hurt a secret. While the rest of your friends argue about their husband not helping with the kids or not being clean enough, your heart is quietly breaking wishing that was the
most of your worries.
Time after time I’ve wrestled with divorce. I wrestle with the bible’s clear directions regarding divorce. Slip up after slip up, my heart continued to hurt until I BECAME NUMB. Until my heart became hard. I know God can make the impossible possible, and I know he can restore all things new. I know that regardless of God telling you not to marry a specific person, that once you are married that is his plan for your life. Not following God’s directions can result in consequences he never wanted you to experience in the first place… but what happens when your heart is hard, your body is numb, your fight is gone? When you are dragged in circles time after time? (Rhetorical) It is just so hard to comprehend and not long for something else, a do-over.
Great, great, great! I was with you all along the way. I guess my question stems around the Christian man who is repentant yet struggling…forever struggling…forever…struggling. He’s confessed, he’s repentant, he’s sought forgiveness again and again, year after year…decade after decade. At what point do we decide if he’s just using these true beliefs as an excuse to use, knowing that we are called to forgive 70×7? What is the toll that’s taken on the wife who attempts to trust one more time…who desires to forgive because she has been forgiven…to smile for her children so that they will hold their daddy in high regard? What is the toll she must pay to love like Christ, but not be able to partake or enjoy any of the deepness that marriage is supposed to bring? When she looks into the eyes of her husband, those of her children and more importantly to the cross, divorce is not an option for her. As much as I appreciate your thesis, I must confess that there has to be a third option…something other than divorce and other than her husband ceasing to struggle…there must be a third option…pray that I’ll find it. xo
You’re asking a great question, April.
First, I would strongly urge a couple to be involved in some kind of redemptive discipleship/counseling process through a local church, involving experienced and loving individuals. Like the last part of the article talks about, when it comes to discerning hardness of heart, God has given us the body of Christ to come alongside us and use his means of grace. I would ask the husband to be involved in a redemptive community of elder/counselors who can walk with him through his struggle and help him unearth the sins that are driving his addiction. I would want the wife to also be in counseling for herself so she could process her own emotions.
Second, out of that environment of help, I think it is best that those involved use discernment to see if this man is really hardhearted—just using grace as a license to sin. No woman should have to stand alone in figuring this kind of stuff out. She needs wise and compassionate counselors around her.
I agree with you (as I said in the article) grounds for divorce does not mean necessary divorce. If a woman honestly can’t bring herself to get a divorce because of her own convictions, that’s another matter for another article—one this article doesn’t address in depth.
As for a “third option,” there are some who would advocate for a kind of mediated separation, but this is an unnatural state, and if it is done at all, it should be done to get the couple to another state—either toward reunion and reconciliation, or to divorce.
Also, bear in mind, even “divorce” is not a finality. If you feel you have legitimate grounds for divorce, this does not mean you can’t get remarried to the same man. Some good friends of mine did that. Divorce ended up being, for them, the catalyst that drove them to the end of themselves and brought about real change in the heart.
I know those are easy or clear-cut answers.
Hearse a Couple for Twenty years 4 Children
The Maeeiage started to Change for the worst some 9 years ago the wife had no answer as to why she just noticed something was Very off in their Relationship.
No Intmasey , no expressions of a loving husband only when he wanted something , Done nothing with the children
Totally self Centred
Any way after been found out to have had a lifelong Addiction to Pornography , well the running started and the Blaming Started and is still going . This chap has and always had a very active roll in his church always in the presence of His Pastors , yet never once did he seek help
His wife became ill some years ago with a Muscular debilitating Decease to which her Husband has done Absolutely nothing in anyway shape or form to help just left her on her own this loving Husband came home from work one day ,, His wife is sick he wants to know why there’s no dinner Rings his Paster to ask him what the Duties of his wife are
I could do a 33,000 word on the life story of this young Woman and the Affects that Pornography has inflected on her
But all I’m reading and reading and sick to my stomach of reading is wife’s women having to Forgive these’s weak minded men
That don’t have the Strength to get off their Backsides and walk away from the Crap ((( DONT PRESS ENTER ))
To all you wives out there Struggling with these Weak minded.men
You are to be Comended May God Grant you all the Strength and wisdom to deal with what you have too
April, I’m in this exact position! Your response opened up the flood gates, I’m bawling. I’m at a cross roads in my marriage, what do i do? I’m so sick of this yoyo ride. What are my options? God help me please!
I came across this article recently, and it might be helpful to you as well: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
You know, we are not slaves to sin. We are not required to submit to sin or live under its control. If our husbands choose that, it’s sad and terrible, but their choice to be slaves to sin doesn’t have to be our choice.
We are free to live as valuable, beloved children of God.
Peace,
Kay
I am in this same situation April! Since it has been 2 years since you posted this do you have any new insights? I am disgusted at the thought of my husband even touching me now and sex feels gross, not special anymore. Sex has become less and less meaningful every time I hear of a relapse over the last 16 years. I feel like I am stuck in this marriage because I am a Christian.
You are FREE because you are a Christian! You are not required to be a slave to anybody’s sin, including your husband’s. Here’s an article that might be useful to you. Peace and freedom, Kay
I am praying for you, and understand completely. Thanks for your comment. In my isolation, comments like yours are like a tiny shaft of light in the darkness.
As I read the article, I went from agreement to disagreement to agreement. The goal MUST be reconciliation. I know a couple that has been separated for several years and they are still working to raise the family and restore the relationship. I believe that divorce should only be done for legal protection. Divorce burns too many bridges to be taken lightly. Excellent post!
Several sidenotes:
I lean towards the “porniea” being premarital sex before the betrothal as referenced in your footnote (mostly because that clause only occurs in Matthew). Do you agree or disagree, and if you disagree, could I see some sources?
Also, Septuagint might be more accessible that LXX.
God bless your ministry and thanks for writing.
Agreed: reconciliation should always be the goal.
Great question about the betrothal view, Kenneth. If I understand you, the translation of Matthew 19:9 could be, “whoever divorces—except in cases of fornication before or during betrothal—and marries another, commits adultery.”
I agree the clause only occurs in Matthew, which has long puzzled commentators, but I don’t think we need to limit the definition of porneia in order to reconcile them. Take Mark 8:12, for instance. It removes another exception included by Matthew: “Truly, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation”; Matthew adds, “except the sign of the prophet Jonah” (Matt. 12:39), speaking of His coming resurrection. Taken at face value, we might assume the absolute statement in Mark contradicts Matthew’s exception, but conservative interpreters don’t do this. They merely assume the more complete statement is the most accurate to what Jesus actually said. Mark wants the exceptionless absolute to weigh upon the reader, whereas Matthew wants to use Jesus’ exception to contrast the greatness of Jonah with the greatness of Christ. Applying this same line of reasoning to the divorce passages, we don’t need to try to reconcile Mark and Matthew by giving porneia a nuanced meaning, but by understanding Mark has good reasons for not including it.
I would refer you to the work of David Instone-Brewer who has argued most strongly in this regard. Matthew, he says, is merely making explicit what is implicit in the parallel story in Mark. Take, for instance, the Pharisee’s initial question in Mark: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (10:2). Taken by itself, the question makes little sense. Of course divorce is lawful: Moses, the lawgiver, allowed it. Instone-Brewer argues that the first century reader would mentally add the phrase “for any reason” at the end of the question, because that was the pertinent debate of the day: any-cause divorce. He likens this to modern questions such as, “Is it lawful for a 18-year-old to drink?”—we mentally add “alcoholic beverages.” Without these mental additions, the questions make no sense, but stating the additions outright can sound pedantic. In other words, Matthew makes explicit in the Pharisees’ question what Mark’s readers would have mentally added anyway. The assumed question in Mark is about any-cause divorce, and Jesus is denying that position specifically—he’s not denying any other position. Mark simply isn’t bringing up the possibility of exceptions, but this doesn’t mean Jesus didn’t have any.
For me, there are two main problems with the betrothal view. First, it isn’t clear why Mark would exclude the exception clause if breaking betrothal contracts was the concern, because the Greeks and Romans who read Mark also had betrothal customs to which the exception clause would apply. Second, the immediate context does not support the notion that premarital fornication is in view. The Pharisees were not discussing the breaking of betrothals. None the passages cited by Jesus or the Pharisees are about betrothal—rather Jesus assumes they are one flesh already, not just legally bound to become one flesh.
Does this make sense?
Kenneth,
I have thought about this one a lot.
It is almost a mute point because most porn addicts have been doing their acting out habitually since childhood or teen years, long before any “betrothal” or the modern equivalent of legal marriage. The impact of discovering a spouses lifelong addiction to porn/masturbation is as vow destroying as this biblical context of sex bdefore betrothal.
I am so disgusted by my husband’s porn use that I have developed a staunch aversion to his touch. I feel like vomiting if he tries to touch me. He also is an alcoholic and lies about so many things. I have forgiven him so many times, but now I don’t even cry anymore. Am I to be nlamed for sexual abandonment since I cannot go there at all anymore? I just can’t and don’t want to….all I can see are the images I know he sees.
After listening to thousands of stories of broken people, hearing their agony, pain and humiliation, and still not convinced that the partner on the receiving end should walk away or divorce and only after a Masters degree you were convinced…. well, it hits hard to hear it. My voice is one of the 1 200 voices that reached you and it was not enough to change your mind. I find it hard to hear. I am glad though that you have changed your mind after you did your Masters Degree and thank you for sharing it. It is a good article.
Thanks, Ani.
I’m just very leery of changing my position on what I think the Bible says unless it is driven by research about the Bible. That’s not a cold or heartless response. Quite the opposite, actually. Believing in a loving God means I believe his law is loving—even the laws that don’t make sense on the surface are commanded for our good. To make the law say something it doesn’t twists his law of love, thus only causing more harm to people in the long-run.
Nonetheless, I have official changed my opinion on this and I hope this discussion will benefit churches as they counsel others on this matter.
Ani, ya know, when there’s been so many years of a Christain married man, who has been involved with porn and self gradifacation, and possibly affairs. AKA ( Double Life). I have found that with going to counseling, support group, and spiritual healing. Has opened my eyes to the oppression that my husband brought me under with spiritual abuse, control, manipulation, diprivity. The spirit of lust, the idolatry, narrsaciss. I was never cherished or valued. I was told to go back, pray harder, try harder and have more sex. It only fueled his fire for more porn, more self gradifacation.
When I left this last time, I only wanted him to get help for himself. Don’t do it for me, he needed to get his relationship with God RIGHT. Truly repent, and turn away and sin no more. So many people tell us the interpetation of Gods word. But I have had to pray, repent for not keeping My Heavenly Father first for myself. I’ve ask God to reveal His will for me. Help me to understand His word for my self. God can reveal Himself to you too. Receive His peace for you.
Theres more involved in a marriage than just a sex addict. There’s the control,manipulation, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse. There’s the generational curse too. Deliverance. Whether the couple is of one mind and in agreement of the word and the counseling, and wisdom of those who are licensed sex therapist. In my case my soon to be ex has been hearing things diffent and we are not in agreement of the broken bows, broken covenant, generational curse of his father and uncle. The wives that are still in bondage over keeping the secret sin life. If you can’t receive it and be delivered. Then it is still a bondage. The chains that had be bound have been broken off, and I am being restored and renewed in my Heavenly Father. I am so excited for what God has for me. He has blessed me and He loves me. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Amen!
My first reaction to the first part of your story was to want to shake you and wake you up and my second reaction was to think about all the broken women you counseled who were left in the mess their husband’s created and who were told that they could not leave. What an awful prison they were banished to!
As the wife of a porn addicted, hard-hearted husband, I sought the Lord about whether or not I should/could divorce him. I searched the scripture and prayed and the Lord told me that if I wanted to, I could leave. I am glad I did not seek the counsel or men but rather laid my heart out to God. And thankful also that I truly hear the voice of God. (I am sure there are many who feel I should have spoken to my pastor and brought this into church discipline, but we believed differently.)
That said, I put my husband out of the house after 20 some years of his hard heart and unwillingness to change, his lies, his betrayal, and his hiding of the porn. And guess what? Nine hours of that and he began to seek the Lord and repent. Nothing I could do could make him repent (because I and my emotions had only become objects to him), but when he started to lose everything HE had (I had already lost so much), his heart began to change.
That was two years ago. We are doing very well now although there are still things that are hard, but we are honestly happy. This is the work of God. This is how God changes hearts, heals broken hearts, and it really is only through prayer that we found the strength to go on, change, repent (I had some of my own to do) and begin a new life. There are programs, yes. And they are helpful, yes. But the fixing of the heart is God’s job.
The first part of your post seriously broke my heart and reminds me how each of us must seek God for ourselves and not rely on the opinions of men. There are many good books out there with greek and latin interpretations, commentaries, etc. It’s not so hard to learn what a word means or what a scripture means.If you really want to know, rather than want to have an opinion about it, it’s easily found out with some searching and the Holy Spriit to guide you into all truth.
Thanks for sharing your story, Judy. I guess I’m not exactly clear on what you’re saying exactly.
1. Are you saying that God talks to you, and if so, how does He talk to you? I don’t ask because I think He wouldn’t or couldn’t talk to you, but since I’ve has precious few (if any) experiences where I thought God was actually talking to me (in the way He spoke to the prophets of old), I am more than content to dive into the inspired Word of God for my answers to these questions.
2. I’m not exactly sure what you’re contrasting: the opinions of man vs. God’s will? Even the commentaries you said I should read (I have about 90 sources for my thesis) contain man’s opinions about God’s Word. The very process I went through to arrive at my new opinion was a process of seeking God’s heart on these matters, but it is one that naturally involved learning what God’s Word means through the research provided by human beings.
Luke, your work here is very well researched and thought through. One thing I haven’t seen you respond to in your research or comments is as follows.
It seems to me more that your work here is an excellent argument for biblical grounds for divorce on the basis of willful desertion by an unbelieving spouse (I Cor 7:15). Isn’t there already a foundation in the bible to defend grounds for divorce in the type of situation you describe at the end of your article? If there’s already an argument to be made on the basis of desertion for a lack of willingness to repent or submit to a church discipline process, why isn’t that an easier argument to defend from I Cor 7:15 than to place the definition of porneia into so much grey area, having to rely more on the extrabiblical literature to form your definition than from scripture interpreting scripture?
I’m in agreement with you that the type of situation you describe is grounds for divorce, but there’s less hoops and hermeneutical hoops to jump through, and an easier position to defend from I Cor 7:15 than Matthew 19, which is probably why I Cor 7:15 was given to us in the first place. Let porneia be porneia as historically interpreted from the majority opinion and let willful desertion be willful desertion; that would make it a lot easier for pastors and grieving spouses to sort through than to have to work through so many interpretive exercises to land where you’re landing.
Hi G,
Great comment. Let me see if I can address it.
The relevance of Paul’s counsel in 1 Corinthians 7 to questions about divorce cannot be overstated. Space does not permit a full treatment of this chapter or even the most pertinent verses, but a few observations are relevant as far as the question of pornography use is concerned.
Commentators are divided on exactly what Paul is talking about verses 10-16, but it is agreed Paul is positing two scenarios of marital strain. In the first scenario, married believers facing difficulties commanded to work towards reconciliation. In the second scenario, a believer married to an unbeliever is also told to work towards reconciliation but is given the option to separate if the unbelieving partner insists on the separation. The exact meaning, extent, and implications of this separation are hotly debated.
As far as pornography is concerned, could a partner’s use of pornography become so extreme that he or she can be seen as having “abandoned” the marriage? On one hand, if porneia is understood as hard-hearted sexual rebellion (as I argue in my thesis) and can include habitual pornography use, determining whether such a scenario also qualifies as a kind of “abandonment” is a moot point. (One does not need more than one legitimate ground for divorce to get divorced.) On the other hand, could Paul’s words abound abandonment in 1 Corinthians 7 provide another litmus test for elders to consider such cases of hardheartedness? The matter is not easy to decide.
Just how far can we take Paul’s statements about abandonment? Various position statements, for instance, have considered the question of whether spousal abuse is type of abandonment.
A position paper of the Presbyterian Church in America states…
“We are struck by the fact that, taking Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 together, it appears that the Lord concedes the necessity of the abolition of marriage in certain cases precisely so as to protect a blameless spouse from intolerable conditions. Further, taking into account both the general principles of Biblical ethics and the Scripture’s characteristic manner of ethical instruction, viz. the statement of commandments in a general form to which is added case law sufficient to indicate the manner of application, it seems to us that those Reformed authorities are correct who have argued that sins which are tantamount in extremity and consequence to actual desertion should be understood to produce similar eventualities.”
The PCA is quick to qualify, however, the list of offenses tantamount to desertion cannot be very long. Potentially divorceable offenses must be as objective and covenant-breaking in nature as porneia or physical abandonment, and we must never open the floodgates so wide as to allow for the kind of any-fault divorces Jesus and Paul spoke against.
In some scenarios of pornography addiction, signs of sexual or emotional abandonment will certainly be present in the marriage. On the basis of Exodus 21:10-11 and possibly 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, some elders might determine a spouse has been habitually denied conjugal love and affection, eventually advising divorce to protect the offended spouse from further trauma. However, this litmus test may not be the best way to determine hardheartedness. By way of analogy, going back to the examples of Israel and Judah in Jeremiah 3, some men might have a relationship with pornography akin to Israel’s relationship with its idols: totally abandoning the true God in favor of false images. Sucked into a world of fantasy, the affection and devotion of these men shrivel until their marriage is not even a shell of what it once was. Other men, however, are more like Judah: they still have the outward trappings of faithfulness. Judah still had the temple cult, the Levitical priesthood, and the rightful Davidic king on the throne, but as a nation they were still guilty of spiritual porniea. Men entrenched in porn still might be good providers and desire frequent physical intimacy with their wives, but nonetheless refuse to give up their sexual idolatry. Like Judah, they can be guilty of porniea and live a duplicitous life.
In the application of 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 to cases of pornography use and the question of divorce, elders must (1) be fully convinced in their own minds Paul is allowing for a full severing of the marriage bond (not merely a separation), (2) be convinced sexual and relational abandonment is a faithful application of the text, (3) be dealing with a professed unbeliever or have followed a process of church discipline that has ended in excommunication because of unrepentant sin, and (4) be convinced relational abandonment has taken place in the marriage. In many cases, not all four prerequisites will be in place but elders could still judge that the offending spouse is guilty of porniea.
Hope that touches some on your question.
You’ve got a lot of Pharisees on this site who apparently love to blame and challenge and condemn, (all in the name of the Lord, of course.) Smacking how few things change over the years.
And of course, the Pharisee LOVES us Phariseeism, is blinded by it, and would rather judge another than forsake sin himself. (For you can be sure, a heart that’s filled with judgment is filled with hypocrisy.)
Very sad, and likewise, the author wad not sufficient in his scope to adequately address the bounds on immorality and sin.
Did you know that many wives drive their men into sin? God would have a woman to be the FOLLOWER of the man in the marriage relation. “The head of every woman is man.”
But she will not have this man to rule over her! And she will agitate, and oppose, and vilify, and SIN, all in the name of doing what she thinks is best, (rather than submit to the will of her God in his word.)
Cursed children. Quick to sin. Slow to forgive.
And which of you confronts and throws off THIS? (Precious few, I assure you.) For once a woman has gained the ascendancy via the LAWS OF THIS LAND, she will in no wise humble herself and become subject to the will of her God, (who took her from her singleness and HAVE HER her head and leader,) who will accept his resources and his sperm really enough, but will consistently refuse to do his will as his wife. SOLELY.
Yes, by all means, let’s neglect to submit this to the will of the Lord, and discern His will I this regard.
I have such a woman who is my wife, ego displays such an attitude all the time; who mocks and RIDICULES the word of God, never for a second allowing that to be Sarah’s daughter is to regard her husband as “her lord.”
Sorry. If I turn to porn occasionally because my wife has cut me off with her attitude and spiritual ugliness, I do not receive your rebuke; neither consider it grounds for divorce. I have sexual desires I cannot turn of, and rather than actually lie with anther woman, I relieve myself of my sexual burden and am finished with it for awhile.
Would to God my life had turned ought different, but this is my burden, and if you choose to judge me fue it, look first tho yourself, for you have not walked in my shoes nor born my cross. I’ll prefer you to ask the Lord for grace for my healing, that your ministry might be acceptable before God and might actually accomplish something useful.
Your judgment can go to hell.
I honestly don’t think a man can truly understand the deep heart wrenching pain that comes from being with someone addicted to porn! It goes deep and trust is broken! I’ve waited and prayed for 25 years to see change – there is still activity that goes on that keeps breaking my trust! I hate my marriage! It’s a farce! Someone who is steeped in porn and lust don’t have the capacity to truly love someone else because their whole life is about self worship and self gratification! The reason why one doesn’t break free is because one still enjoys it!
I think you’re right, Suzanna. There are many men who are so disconnected that they are unable to have empathy for their partners. Our culture teaches men to deny, repress and ignore their emotions (big boys don’t cry), while then telling them that it’s inevitable they’ll act out (boys will be boys). When men are disconnected from their own interior life in this way, and substitute porn for emotional connection, over the course of a lifetime this pattern becomes extremely entrenched and difficult to dislodge. I also suggest that women get their own counselor and find their own systems of support while considering what healthy boundaries will look like (articles here, here, and here) given the reality of the situation. No woman is required to be a slave to her husband’s sin. There is health, healing and freedom, no matter what he chooses.
Wow. This is the most fair and balanced representation that I’ve seen on this matter. I admit, before reading the full article, I immediately had an immense amount of fear in my heart that this article was going to provide fuel to all of the angry wives out there to immediately file for divorce, including my own wife. I’ve been on the left side of that ranking for a husband’s repentance scale, maybe a 3 or a 4, where I was relapsing into long periods of behavior. I genuinely wanted repentance, but was too scared to ask for it, and somewhat uncaring enough to override my fears and do what it took to defeat this beast and change my heart. I am working very hard to be on the 10 side of that spectrum now, though I admit that I still struggle with some elements of lust and masturbation (no, no excuses, it is sin and I need to defeat it).
I also am not working as hard as I should to be the father and husband I should be when I am visiting my family. I’m practicing listening skills with my wife at times, and I’m trying to serve them in many other ways around the household, but there is so much more that I need to be doing, when the small windows open for opportunity. My heart breaks when I see the depravity in our home, and I need to do a better job of putting aside all of the old fears, reactions, avoidance, and emotions and trying to respect people where they are at. So easy to say while I’m here in the quiet of isolation, but much more difficult when you’re in the midst of chaos and emotion and difficulties.
I think this issue gets divisive for the very reasons you’re citing. So sorry to hear about your situation, Jeremiah.
I really do think we do a great disservice to people when we treat the matter of grounds for divorce like a line some people cross and others don’t. If hardheartedness is the linchpin of Jesus’ whole mentality, then it isn’t a line that is cross as much as it is a downward spiral.
You have heard it said to them of old
Thou shall not commit Adultery
But I say to you that Whosoever look on a Woman to lust after her
Has ALREADY Commited Adultery with her in his Heart
Now how more Simply and to the point can GOD ALMIGHTY put it for you Learnerd People God does not deal in gray he does not speak in Riddles it is what he says it is FULL STOP
Stop trying to water the Statment down
If weak minded men are not Prepared to take responsibility for their mindless Actions then it’s About time they did
With all this modern Technology every child with a Mobile Phone Has Satan in his / Her Pocket , take a look at the Statistics
So what chance have our children got if their Fathers can’t / Won’t behave themselves
Trauma? Trauma is getting punched in the face. What you are describing is hurt pride and feelings.
Yes agreed porn is evil. Yes agreed women are degraded by it, the ones who are actually in the said porn, not women at large. Yes to most of this in fact. But to act like the wives are to be coddled here is just another brand of feminism and making excuses for the role that they might be playing in this. Marriage is a two person contract. You are wicked to blame the man for all the problems.
Very weak presentation of the Biblical grounds for divorce. The Tiede “levels” are NOWHWERE in the bible! Sounds like thetypical argument that “God wants me to be happy and you don’t make me happy.” The Bible clearly meant physical sexual intercourse. And if a pastor recommends to a wife that the Bible supports it, that broken marriage and the fatherless kids will be on his conscience.
Unfortunately, a lot of men know how to walk right inside that line of “physical sexual intercourse” while they continue to violate their marriage vows with multiple instances of verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Those are the things God will judge. Not a woman who finally recognizes reality and calls it for what it is. As for pastors who are able to see the truth of the range of abuses, and who step in to assure women of their value and worth, may God bless and protect them–they are far too few.
DJ, your summary of my article demonstrates you didn’t really read it. Nowhere do I appeal to the lack of happiness of the wife as a grounds for divorce. I base it on the meaning of Jesus’ term porneia.
Relapsing? Is that what you call your sin? If you don’t grasp the weight of your sin, I am not sure you have a full understanding of the God you’re offending. Like Paul Washer has said many times, if you don’t have a new relationship with sin, you don’t have a new relationship with God. Maybe you need to examine yourself and rather you were saved to begin with. Pornography and masterbate on aren’t something you “fall into”. These are sins of commission, not a simple failing in the moment of a tempting thought or glance. You have to really go out of your way to commit these sins. Remember the rich man? He thought he loved Jesus, but not enough to give up his riches. If you can’t give up your idol and lay down your life for Christ, you need to examine your walk. One of the first changes a man should see when God draws him in and changes his heart is sexual immorality. Even if one is saved and committing these kind of sins, there’s no doubt that there won’t be spiritual growth until you give up these fleshly desires to seek Christ.
Whatever you do, stop downplaying it. Label it exactly what it is. Sin and direct disobedience against a Holy God as well as sin against your wife and marriage. Instead of having anger toward your wife, you should be offering her all the love and patience you can since you caused this pain. It’s past time to man up and stop victimizing yourself in your “struggle”. Jesus didn’t give the rich man a moment to struggle. He saw his idol and his heart and he told him so. If you’re a Christian, put on your suit of armor and instead of seeing this as struggle, look at it as a battlefield. You wouldn’t go out expecting to die, so get out there and fight and don’t accept anything less than defeat. You don’t have to give way to these sins, you choose to, but at what cost? I wish you the best.
I really feel like just as alcoholism and other addictions revolve around the addict… almost all articles do the same… the wife has to concentrate on how to forgive, how to work through her husbands slips… it’s completely backward. The entire lives of everyone involved revolves around the addict/porn/lustful/adulterer…. let’s reverse the roles… in one or two ways… a wife who is constantly looking for emotional connection through other men… she just can’t get control of herself taking off her clothes for other men to see… would you go through these steps for her??? No. A resounding no.
Luke,
I was wondering if you could email me your full thesis directly? Also, in doing so, I was wondering if I could get your opinion on a dear friend’s marital situation. We have a complex church culture and her ability to proceed with the reconciliation effects that you suggest is very limited, if not impossible. If you would be willing to email me directly about both a full copy of your thesis and her situation, I would greatly appreciate it. She is in a marriage as dystopian as I have seen, yet she remains because she has not come to a conclusion as to whether she has biblical grounds.
In Christ,
Andrew
Hello, Andrew, Luke is no longer with CE, but I have sent your comment to him directly. It sounds like a horrible situation for your friend.
Chris
I agree completely here. There will be negative opinions of course, but they will most likely be coming from men who suffer from porn themselves. Pride is not a good thing and causes one to neglect truth when confronted with it. Certain responses may also demonstrate lack of wisdom and spiritual maturity. This is a situation that damages most marriages and is not talked about as much as us should be in the church. I appreciate your article and am glad to hear someone talking openly about it!
Always have enjoyed your article. Thank you.
Sorry, but I am really confused. Mat. 5:28 is followed by Mat 5:29-30, which states the recourse for “lusting after a woman”.
Mat 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.
Mat 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
And again, I am sorry to say this but this is to be self inflicted to prevent the adultery and the death of adultery.
I was married at 26. Born again with great zeal. I married believing my husband was truely a gift. With the first few months of being married I heard his confessions. For whatever reason he told me information that he should have been telling god or a Christian counselor. But we were married so I decided to leave his story alone but when I found him masturbating in out prayer room it was tuff. The behaviors never stopped. I ended up leaving. All has taken its toll on my life as I went from a zealous follower/believer into a world of poor choices involving relationships outside marriage. It was not right. Our grown children still struggle. Today’s world has changed. There’s help on every corner. It was not there for me. Back then everyone just shut up about it. If u are struggling go get help and do not give up if one session isn’t the answer. It’s been 24 years since I’ve been divorced and the destruction I’m dealing with is still present. I’ve come to feel that god warned us about lust divorce etc becauseHe knew the impact it would have for generations ahead. Wish I could have been wise enough back then to get help. Yet in fairness to me I didn’t know what to do or where to go so I let my x husband hind behind my zeal for 15 years. Unfortunately my zeal for Christ suffered. If u are struggling with porn or even continual sexually lust thoughts go get help. You are one with ur mate. there is power and grace to over come and at the end of the day your family will remain intact and I believe that is what is most important
Hi Carol,
Your story is heart breaking. Whether you stay or go, the marriage is broken unless the people in the marriage decide to work on it, and you cannot for the other person to work on it. We have to accept the reality of the situation and make the best choice we can. For some, staying might be the best option. For others, divorce is absolutely the healthiest thing they can do. Here’s an article that many have found helpful: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Whether you stay or go, yes, therapy can help. We always recommend that folks find a counselor who can help them process emotions and support them through those hard times.
Luke, I appreciate the article and your efforts in working through this issue. I’ve long held this position, so I’m encouraged to see it being taken more seriously more commonly. Others have asked, but would it be possible to get my hands on your thesis, even if it’s just a pdf of a draft of it? Your research has likely been far more in depth than mine and I think it could be helpful to me and others that I know.