Before I get into five surefire ways to motivate your child to use pornography, let me establish two important points. The first is no parent wants their child to become involved in pornography. We all can agree on this.
The problem for many of us is we do not understand the insidious allurement of pornography and how our behavior, though unintentional, can help shape a child to crave something which can lead him into a lifetime of slavery.
There are always unintended consequences to our actions. We can’t act one way, good or bad, and not expect our actions to have unintended consequences. Like a rock dropped into a lake, there will always be a ripple effect to our attitudes and actions.
Secondly, pornography for a man is not primarily about the physicality of a woman. A woman’s appearance is an external magnet for the eye to enjoy, but the greater problem for the man is his insatiable cravings of the mind.
Pornography is first and foremost about the theater of the mind, where the young male can enter into his virtual world and be king for a day or in this case, king for a few minutes as he satiates his mind with the risk-free intrigue of the cyber conquest. Porn is a secret world all of the time. Porn resides in the heart. It is lust, which feeds itself while in the darkness of a person’s mind.
This makes what we do as parents all the more important because the mind of the child is not altogether discernible. The seeds of lust can be planted in the mind of a child many years before he is old enough to act out on what has been growing inside his heart. This is the message of James.
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)
Though James is speaking in a continuum—lured, enticed, desire, conceived, sin, and death—he does not say these events happen in a rapid-sequence. It can take years for all these sinful events to transpire. In most cases the allurement and enticement of the porn addict began in the theater of his mind while he was a child. This has been a consistent pattern I have seen in counseling. You will see in my five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use pornography how any child can be in porn training without the child or the parents knowing how he was wrongly shaped.
1. Non-Romantic Marriage
Porn Training: Only certain kinds of women are porn-worthy.
The Christian home should be a sexual home. God said sex was good and His first couple were not ashamed about their unique sexuality. It was only when sin entered their world that people became giggly about sex and sexuality. One of the biggest unintended consequences of the non-romantic marriage is how it communicates certain people are not porn-worthy.
Before your mouth completely hits the floor, let me explain.
A major characteristic of the porn-trained mind is how some people are worthy to be lusted after and others are not worthy. There is no question about what kind of woman is porn-worthy. There is not a woman in America who does not know this, which is why many of them obsess over how they look, how much they weigh, what they wear, and the horror of growing old.
Though they would not say it the way I have stated it—as being porn-worthy—many of them want to be worthy of their husband’s attention. They want to be desired. While this is not all bad, it can be deadly, especially in a marriage where she is not desired. A husband who will not romantically pursue his wife is sending a message to his children about how she is not worthy of being pursued. She does not fit the criteria. She is not attractive enough to be pursued.
In addition, when the children’s minds are filled with sensual TV commercials and movies, it begins to establish the kind of beauty which is worthy of their gaze. Our children need to be taught about real beauty as seen in the relationship between their dads and moms.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
One of the best ways for the husband to highlight real beauty is for him to pursue his wife in the home. There needs to be a lot of hugging and kissing between the husband and wife. Release biblical sexuality and romance from its shameful prison and teach your children a biblical view of love.
Children need to see marital romantic affection. The dad can send a clear message to his children regarding what beauty is and what turns him on—though he would not say it this way to his children. Holding hands, dancing in the living room, hugging for long periods of time, and smooching in front of the kids are beautiful examples of who and what is worthy of a man’s love.
2. Instant Gratification
Porn Training: Cyber women are downloadable and extinguishable.
The spoiled child who is given everything he wants is a perfect candidate for porn training. Another main characteristic of the pornographer is the easy accessibility and extinguishability of the cyber girl.
Too many of our children have not heard the word no. They are often given the desires of their heart. It used to be children were glad to have their needs met, but that day has passed. Not only are needs an expectation and an assumption, but so are the desires. You’ll see this in the average middle school church ministry.
My daughter came home the other day telling me how most of the sixth graders in the group had iPhones. When children run the home by easily persuading their parents to give them the desires of their heart, then there is nothing to stop the child from getting into porn if the opportunity arises. And the opportunity will arise.
I heard a stat recently which said out of 813 adults from 18-26, two out of three agreed pornography viewing was acceptable. 86% of the men and 32% of the women used porn. The percentage among women is growing. I think we all agree porn is exponentially easier to access than it was just ten years ago. If the child is set up to get his selfish desires met, it won’t be hard for him to be allured by porn.
- The spoiled child gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
- The porn addict gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
Instant gratification in a child breeds instant gratification in adults. We’re hiding our heads in the sand (self-deception) to think we can meet all the desires of our child’s heart and expect him not to be this way when he becomes an adult.
Want some tips on how to equip your kids to use technology wisely and how to talk with them about things like porn and sexuality? Download the free e-book Equipped: Raising Godly Digital Natives.
3. Non-Communicative Couples
Porn Training: Married couples communicate less and less, a requirement for porn enjoyment.
One of the common complaints I hear from couples in marriage counseling is the couple’s lack of communication. They hardly talk to each other. If they do talk, it’s usually about family events, mutual transactions, and marital business.
This is a perfect setup for the porn trainee because viewing porn has nothing to do with verbal communication. Porn is about visually enjoying women in order to feed the mind. Who needs to talk? The heart of porn use is privatized self-centeredness. It’s a man isolating himself in order to watch a video.
The heart of the non-communicative couple is self-centeredness. It’s two people married to each other, but living in their private worlds. The children of non-communicative parents are trained in the de-valuing of words, but it’s more than this. It’s the devaluing of the opposite sex. A man who does not talk to his wife is sending a loud message—she is not worthy of his words.
Nothing devalues a woman more than pornography. The female is objectified only for the purpose of being used in a slavish way to satisfy the putrid mind of a man. There is no communication in this scenario.
Husbands, your children need to see the value you give your wife by giving her some of your best words throughout your day. I’m not talking about words which satisfy the family schedule or the financial budget. I’m talking about words which build up, cherish, nourish, and adore your wife. Show the value you place on the woman you married. Let her be exalted in the minds of your children.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
Teach them to talk in ways which build-up the other person. You’re not only valuing the person, but you’re exalting the use of words. This is one of the most powerful ways the Lord builds us up—through His Words.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
4. No Consequences for Actions
Porn Training: Teaches a false confidence through a risk-free relationship.
Along with the spoiled child mentioned above, there is a parallel parental action to giving the kid whatever he desires. This is the parent who teaches little to no consequences for his actions. A child who does not have to pay for what he has done wrong will learn how to get away with anything.
This, too, is a major characteristic of a porn addiction. It gives the addict a false confidence in a risk-free virtual environment.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. (Hebrews 12:6)
Children must have a comprehensive view of love, which means they must be appropriately disciplined when they do wrong. The spoiled child who suffers little consequences in life will have a low regard for rules and authority.
Porn has no rules and low risk. It doesn’t take much to enter the porn world. It’s not like robbing a bank, which makes porn’s allurement all the more appealing. A child who knows he can get away with things is easy prey for the tentacles of pornography.
I’m all for grace-motivated living and doling out affection on my children, but I’m not for letting them get away with sin. We have clear sin categories in our home and my children know where the lines have been drawn. This is a matter of respect and honor for God and His Word. There is a right and a wrong. The porn addict does not have this kind of respect. The lines are blurred, a reality for him which did not begin when he first stumbled onto pornography.
Many porn addicts have a low view of the law of God. They simply do not care, because they have not been made to care. One of the ways you can discern this in your child is by how he respects his siblings or his mother. Typically a child will push his mother farther than he will push his dad. When children do this, they are stretching the boundaries of honor, respect, kindness, and biblical love.
These four things, among several other character traits, are also absent from the porn user. As a parent, you may want to examine how you honor, respect, show kindness, and biblically love those in your home and community.
5. Critical Community in the Home
Porn Training: Criticism and anger are the most common ways we devalue others.
Is your home a critical community? If you were to assess your home, would you determine there is more encouragement, praise, affirmation, and love or is there more frustration, impatience, criticalness, and self-centeredness?
The porn world is a refuge where people go to escape the realities of their lives. It’s a risk-free haven where the addict can be in control, while satisfying his weary mind. There is no place which will affect his mind more than what goes on in his home. Even the church cannot accomplish what the home can accomplish, good or bad.
If the home is not a refuge of encouragement, your child will be tempted to find refuge in other places. Porn is one of the easiest places for him to get lost in the moment. It gives him a satisfying power which he does not experience in his real world. He can go into his momentary addiction and seize the moment with no fear whatsoever of being condemned, judged, criticized, or disappointed. All he will need to do is tweak his conscience in order to feed his habit. Once his conscience is appropriately hardened, he is home-free—according to his self-deception.
The best antidote for this kind of twisted thinking is to create a culture of encouragement in his home. Isn’t this what the Gospel is all about? Each time you read God’s Word you find some kind of benefit? You are encouraged? You are helped? Compare how God’s Words affect you and how your words affect others.
The Porn Trained Kid
Porn training does not happen by volition. It happens by default if the parents are not attuned to the kind of home they have created. Kids are responders and they will respond to what the parent is providing them.
The question now becomes, what are we exporting to our children? We’re all exporting something. The good news for the humble person is he can examine his mind and behavior through the lens of this article and be changed. All a parent needs to do is to implement the needed changes listed under each of the five points mentioned. If you do this, then plan on being surprised by God. His Word is true—He gives favor to the humble (James 4:6).
This article also appears on RickThomas.net: “Five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use porn“
Hello [Disheartened),
This is Rick Thomas, the author of the article. Thank you for commenting. You are correct in the demographic targeted in the article. It was preemptive/preventative, not for those who are farther along with their marriage and children. One of the restrictions to blog articles is they cannot be all-encompassing. Books have more space to cover more relational real estate.
Here are a couple of recommendations for your real and acute concerns. As a parent of older children I totally understand your struggles.
1. You can find help on our website for all kinds of issues, esp. what you’re describing. The LORD has positioned me to spend my life coaching parents (et.al.) through situational difficulties, this article being one example. You can learn more here: http://rickthomas.net/join
2. If you are part of a local church, I would recommend you talk to your pastor and/or whoever gives immediate oversight to you guys. This is a long-term solution for care.
3. Let me be a little more personal here. When I was 15 years old, I was in jail for breaking and entering and stealing some things. Being a juvenile, I received two years probation. I was also doing drugs and porn.
I say this to encourage you. The LORD is greater than our sin. Today, He has given me a global outreach to care for people. Who would have thought such a thing could happen.
Please reflect over the last two paragraphs. They are powerful pictures of sin and grace.
Good parents do not make good children. Bad parents do not make bad children. The grace of God is what shapes us and makes us who we need to be. Do not beat up yourself for whatever things you may have done. Also, don’t forget how the grace of God is greater than all our sin. I’m a testimony of this, as all of us are.
Your job is to imperfectly model Christ before your children. I say “imperfectly” because that is the best any of us can do. Then trust the LORD to do a good work in their hearts.
I’m so glad you commented here. I appreciate your transparency and your desire to love your kids.
Take care,
Rick
I don’t dispute the wisdom, but my heart is heavy with the burden of not measuring up for our children. Our marriage has been struggle with nearly all of your points and now my kids are older and two are involved with pornography. Though they say they are not doing it right now, there is no peace of mind as I never know when or how it is accessed. It isn’t available just at home and I cannot be with them or monitor every moment. The insights shared seem helpful to young couples beginning their parenting. This left me grasping for hope but finding little. I fear my own inadequacies have set their sins in stone. Teaching purity and trust in God seem to still leave me so lacking that there is nothing I can do to help. Saddened and discouraged. Wish advice had been offered for those with teens and older and not just how to start out. This is a nightmare and the future feels dark, where I once only saw so much light and potential. My boys are responsible for their choices as I am for mine. How do we move forward and heal?? How do you get them into a 12 step program when communication is already so closed off on the matter? Feeling lost.
The only thing that’s left out is if the parents send their children to public school, all bet’s are off.
I did not read all the comments so unsure if somebody mentioned this. The number one thing that bothered me about this post (and the comments I actually did read) is the assumption that only men struggle with porn. This line of thinking and teaching is dangerous for our young women as they think “well I’m a female so I can’t become addicted”. Yes, a large number of those viewing porn are men but women are also at danger. If we want to truly help our children steer clear of pornography we MUST include women in this..if only for the sake of our daughters.
Hy Anonymous,
Rick says in the article, “86% of the men and 32% of the women used porn. The percentage among women is growing.” How would a woman walk away from this article thinking women aren’t impacted?
I agree with this article, but just because a parent does all these things isn’t a guarantee. I was crushed to find out that my teenage son had been viewing pornography. We are not perfect parents, but we have been very clear about our expectations, we have a loving home, we have computers in common areas, and a lot more. Sometimes kids make bad choices despite the valiant efforts of their parents. It’s very sad, but we’re all doing the best we can now.
I agree, but I’m sure Rick would agree with you as well. Nothing about this article implies that getting everything right produced perfect kids.
I hear you Emily. We are dealing with the same thing. We have a very nice and loving home. I know we have done and are doing the best we can. I am not sure what to say but we are sad. Availability and friends played a great role in this issue.
Communication and openness from an early age are essential. My sons and I always have open conversations. They are not always easy, but they are always happening. That is why, when my son was in middle school, he told me he “ran” across a porn site. We talked and I did not feel I was best suited to handle the challenge. I had him go through a list of mentors who he thought could help and he found one. He always had an open door with his mentor, we never had to discuss his desire to watch porn, we had an understanding that when he needed to make time for this particular mentor, it was probably due to a sexual temptation. The problem was addressed and solved early on for him. My older son was not raised in a home that showed marital love, he was not denied things simply to “prove” he was not spoiled. He has an alcoholic father and both grandfather’s, so addiction is hereditary. But,he was loved, unconditionally and above all taught to respect others and communicate. He was given several male mentors throughout his life that helped him to grow and learn and discover what being human is all about. The same goes for my 9 year old. Fear mongering has to end in Christian communities. It turned my stomach to read this. I am certain you meant well, but there are so many home situations that you can’t control. Some men are not overt with their emotions. That shouldn’t be construed as a non-loving male. Nor should a male that does not use a lot of physical touch be labeled as one who rejects his wife and considers he “non-porn worthy”. And, honestly, do you really believe women relate their desire to get attention to being “porn-worthy?” Generally, the life of pornography exists due to a low self-esteem and measures of desperation. That is another discussion though.
My 9 year old knows that daddy loves us and respects us so much because of all the acts of service he does. Because of the sacrifices he makes on our behalf. Because he makes us dinner. Because he gets us water and popcorn while we are watching a movie. Because he comes home every night. With all the education behind you, why do you present such a limited view of the differences in personalities? I think this is sad, because there will be many moms out there that read this, assess the failure of their marriage and become fearful that they are leading their children into a life of lust and high potential for addiction to porn. I think a little less focus on sensationalism might be in order.
I’ve been counseling people with the problems of sexual sin since 1979; spent the last 23 years, exclusively doing biblical intensive counseling for sexual sin with 1000s from around the US. This is the best thing every parent needs to know. I’d just add a 6th: The Lack of Male Leadership Leads to Porn
Thanks for saying that, Dr. Schaumburg. Glad to have you stop by our blog!
While the author of this article is Christian, and the intended audience of this article is Christian, I completely understand (being in ministry for around 12 years myself) wanting to preach against pornography. Pornography stands for so many things that are deemed a sin in the Bible that it only makes sense to want to avoid it.
However, from a non-Christian’s point of view, many of the points here do not ring true at all and seemed forced as a way to sensationalize the dangers of pornography of the young mind. Let me first clearly state that I am not in favor of exposing young children to pornography. As someone who was first exposed to it around middle school, I understand that the habit-forming nature of it can distracting for young people. Exposing kids younger than that is sexual abuse.
But sex is a natural part of humanity. Though Christians view sex through the words of God, non-Christians view sex as something we, not unlike animals, indulge in whenever we see fit. We are smart enough to realize that it is gratifying, smart enough to figure out how to do it without reproducing, and smart enough to learn how to do it responsibly, limiting the likelihood of contracting an STI. Of course humans “do sex” in many ways that is not responsible at all, because we are not all as smart or have as much discipline as the other. For these reasons, pornography “makes sense” for adults. The author clearly states figures that indicate most grown men participate in pornography and masturbation. And though I’m sure some Christians would like to blame the problems of a world where morals are in steady decline on this subject alone, do not forget there is a whole lot of other sin out there. Many of which has actual victims. So while I am somewhat vaguely making a point for it, my cause for posting here is to directly address some of the points made by the author, and debunk the myth that pornography is an evil that only destroys and reaps negative consequences.
Let me also be candid so we are clear. I am no longer a Christian, I do participate in pornography regularly, and I have an extremely healthy sex life/marriage. Most of these points I understand to be false because they could actually apply to my life, if they were true. While I acknowledge that they may cause negative effects for others, I will argue that it is a problem for men, because they are already immature, shallow, involved in an unsatisfying marriage, incapable of restraint or discipline, and MANY other factors that keep them from controlling their behaviors/thoughts.
1. Non-Romantic Marriage- The idea here is that pornography makes you only desire highly attractive women that are at your sexual beck and call. To be honest here, on a purely physical scale, I would rate my wife at around a 5/10. But I didn’t marry her for that and I am VERY attracted to her. Her personality is what attracts me mostly to her and I desire her despite my initial assessment of looks, which is an extremely shallow practice. If you no longer find your wife attractive after viewing porn it is a symptom of a deeper problem, a love based specifically on looks/sex. My connection is much deeper with my wife I desire intimacy with her no matter what.
2. Instant Gratification – A man or woman’s sex drive can vary per person. People who claim sex addiction may have a higher drive than most. While I agree that instant gratification for most (especially kids) can be damaging (they need to learn patience and acceptance), an unmet sex drive is unnatural for the body and can be a huge distraction for a teenager/adult. Masturbation becomes a means of controlling yourself when biochemically your body can lead you to do things you shouldn’t. It allows you to think more clearly and make better decisions in relationships.
Personally, my wife’s sex drive does not equal mine, so I use pornography/masturbation as a way to balance it. It DOES NOT give me whatever I want, whenever I want it. And it does not replace her or her worth to me.
3. Non-communicative Couples – This is absurd. As if the only way a man will fail to communicate with his wife is because he is so obsessed with porn that he withdraws into his own world. Couples have lacked communication for years, and it’s mostly BECAUSE THEY DON”T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE. A man/woman can become obsessed with ANYTHING and withdraw from their partner; this is a sign of something else. Again, my wife and I communicate wonderfully. We didn’t always though. From the beginning we had to work at it. We had to break down boundaries and learn how to express our feelings, share our thoughts, and not hold anything back. We had to become less selfish, more willing to hear criticism, and value the other person’s willingness to be a better person. These value are necessary, without them, couples are in danger of communication issues no matter whether pornography is involved or not.
4. No Consequences for Actions – This is perhaps the biggest stretch. The idea that something done in private, alone has a bigger effect on others makes no sense. If you want to criticize it for something, don’t use this. Criticize the literal thousands of other things that you can do daily that affect others more directly.
5. Critical Community in the Home – My home is filled with positive interactions. I love my wife, show her affection, spend a lot of time with my 2 year old daughter, we encourage each other. We love each other. We are normal, middle class Americans that go to work and pay our bills. The author would have you to believe that if a man is involved with porn, his entire family will suffer. This simply isn’t true. Maybe what the author should preach is being a well-rounded good person. It pretty much negates the weak points made here.
Again, I realize the audience is Christian. Some of the things I have mentioned here are sins to you making them wrong by nature. But if you remove the Christian point of view for just one minute, you realize that there are so many other worse things in life that need addressed. Blasting pornography as a Band-Aid for other, more real problems is not good. And no, I don’t expect you to remove your entire Christian beliefs to understand me. I know, to you, that would be like asking you to accept an alternate reality. But I did seriously read this article thinking that this does not describe me or my family at all. It simply isn’t true for all people. And the people it is true for, have a whole lot of other problems that are the real cause.
Dave you should be ashamed of yourself. You are a pervert plain and simple, don’t try to justify it or dress it up as natural. You wouldn’t have the audacity to say such a thing face to face and if you were standing in front of me or my family or church you wouldn’t make that mistake twice. You want to talk about being a real man, then man up and bring yourself under discipline. Neither fornicators nor adulterers will inherit the kingdom of God. We are told not to even look upon another woman with lust in our hearts and so tell me how looking at people engage in sin, in fornication, in abominations of sexual perversion and all kinds of fornication and taking pleasure in those things, in their disobedience and perversion of themselves and society and being destroyers of innocence is something that is ok? You are taking pleasure in things which God hates and for which the wrath of God comes, you are taking pleasure in the destruction and corruption of others, you are rejoicing in evil and lewdness and trying to pass it off as natural. We are called to be above natural, we are called to be sons of God as Christians.You should be concentrating on carrying your cross, denying self and mortifying your lusts, not indulging them and growing them. You are a liar and the truth is not in you.
I think pron is about +easy access. you don’t have to work, wait, struggle, deal with rejection. It is easier and instant in every way. It woprks together with the enticements of the mind and adds to them, making them deeper and darker. The best way to prevent is to not allow your children to watch too much television or computer stuff in general but specifically to eliminate any and all rated r or even pg 13 stuff, on television as well, there are sexual inuendos that plant seeds and images even in commercials. A child doesn’t understand them all all the time or pick up on them but there are many ways that sexual lust is communicated in inappropriate ways. My parents wouldn’t let me watch anything that showed a sex scene or nudity growing up and it helped a lot. I was not exposed to Porn at all and it was a friend of mine in jr.high who first showed something of it to me for a brief moment but I was too embarrassed to look at it for more than a few seconds and that helped me. It was also too explicit and shocking for me to think it was attractive, because I guess I had a romantic mind, either naturally or because of my upbringing. This leads me back to training, controlling, cultivating, shaping, supervising. My parents were both consistent on this, my father and mother both never watched or spoke of things like this but guarded us from it. We will still have our own person al moments of lust growing up but the important thing is having the background such as the one I mentioned and tools and counter issues and defenses instilled in you so much that they are natural to you, you will find yourself rejecting it because it is beneath you and you are ashamed. We need every weapon and tool. So I guess you can say innocence helps a lot up to a certain point where you are developed and strong enough to not be interested. Also proper dating needs to enfoprced and cultivated. No girlfriends, no dating, only friendship and chaperoned visits or excursions. Teach an train your young men and women to work be responsible and succeed early so they can get married early. Having a young man doing nothing but sitting in his room or not working in solitude will allow the devil to plant thoughts in his heart. No solitude but train your child to be sociable and open, active and involved, not locked in a room. This takes a comprehensive lifestyle and consistency with community of people who are like minded. For that our hearts have to be set for the Lord. Lord help us.
I’d like to add a few other thoughts. I investigated child pornography for many years as law enforcement, interviewing numerous subjects both young and middle-aged. Some common threads I found: Got involved in pornography early, used it regularly, had unsupervised access, thought they were anonymous, accessing pornography became need-driven, desired more extreme material to be satisfied, normalized or rationalized their behavior. The advent of cell phones with internet access and cameras have made the problem worse. Parents must take the responsibility, as once a child at a vulnerable age has observed pictures of videos of sexual acts, often of extreme nature, there is no taking them back, the child is can be affected for the rest of their life. Also, children are taking sexual pictures of themselves and sending them out, not realizing that once on the internet, they can never be recovered. I can’t say enough about parental control over all media. No computers or cell phones with internet access in the bedroom until late teens.