Before I get into five surefire ways to motivate your child to use pornography, let me establish two important points. The first is no parent wants their child to become involved in pornography. We all can agree on this.
The problem for many of us is we do not understand the insidious allurement of pornography and how our behavior, though unintentional, can help shape a child to crave something which can lead him into a lifetime of slavery.
There are always unintended consequences to our actions. We can’t act one way, good or bad, and not expect our actions to have unintended consequences. Like a rock dropped into a lake, there will always be a ripple effect to our attitudes and actions.
Secondly, pornography for a man is not primarily about the physicality of a woman. A woman’s appearance is an external magnet for the eye to enjoy, but the greater problem for the man is his insatiable cravings of the mind.
Pornography is first and foremost about the theater of the mind, where the young male can enter into his virtual world and be king for a day or in this case, king for a few minutes as he satiates his mind with the risk-free intrigue of the cyber conquest. Porn is a secret world all of the time. Porn resides in the heart. It is lust, which feeds itself while in the darkness of a person’s mind.
This makes what we do as parents all the more important because the mind of the child is not altogether discernible. The seeds of lust can be planted in the mind of a child many years before he is old enough to act out on what has been growing inside his heart. This is the message of James.
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)
Though James is speaking in a continuum—lured, enticed, desire, conceived, sin, and death—he does not say these events happen in a rapid-sequence. It can take years for all these sinful events to transpire. In most cases the allurement and enticement of the porn addict began in the theater of his mind while he was a child. This has been a consistent pattern I have seen in counseling. You will see in my five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use pornography how any child can be in porn training without the child or the parents knowing how he was wrongly shaped.
1. Non-Romantic Marriage
Porn Training: Only certain kinds of women are porn-worthy.
The Christian home should be a sexual home. God said sex was good and His first couple were not ashamed about their unique sexuality. It was only when sin entered their world that people became giggly about sex and sexuality. One of the biggest unintended consequences of the non-romantic marriage is how it communicates certain people are not porn-worthy.
Before your mouth completely hits the floor, let me explain.
A major characteristic of the porn-trained mind is how some people are worthy to be lusted after and others are not worthy. There is no question about what kind of woman is porn-worthy. There is not a woman in America who does not know this, which is why many of them obsess over how they look, how much they weigh, what they wear, and the horror of growing old.
Though they would not say it the way I have stated it—as being porn-worthy—many of them want to be worthy of their husband’s attention. They want to be desired. While this is not all bad, it can be deadly, especially in a marriage where she is not desired. A husband who will not romantically pursue his wife is sending a message to his children about how she is not worthy of being pursued. She does not fit the criteria. She is not attractive enough to be pursued.
In addition, when the children’s minds are filled with sensual TV commercials and movies, it begins to establish the kind of beauty which is worthy of their gaze. Our children need to be taught about real beauty as seen in the relationship between their dads and moms.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
One of the best ways for the husband to highlight real beauty is for him to pursue his wife in the home. There needs to be a lot of hugging and kissing between the husband and wife. Release biblical sexuality and romance from its shameful prison and teach your children a biblical view of love.
Children need to see marital romantic affection. The dad can send a clear message to his children regarding what beauty is and what turns him on—though he would not say it this way to his children. Holding hands, dancing in the living room, hugging for long periods of time, and smooching in front of the kids are beautiful examples of who and what is worthy of a man’s love.
2. Instant Gratification
Porn Training: Cyber women are downloadable and extinguishable.
The spoiled child who is given everything he wants is a perfect candidate for porn training. Another main characteristic of the pornographer is the easy accessibility and extinguishability of the cyber girl.
Too many of our children have not heard the word no. They are often given the desires of their heart. It used to be children were glad to have their needs met, but that day has passed. Not only are needs an expectation and an assumption, but so are the desires. You’ll see this in the average middle school church ministry.
My daughter came home the other day telling me how most of the sixth graders in the group had iPhones. When children run the home by easily persuading their parents to give them the desires of their heart, then there is nothing to stop the child from getting into porn if the opportunity arises. And the opportunity will arise.
I heard a stat recently which said out of 813 adults from 18-26, two out of three agreed pornography viewing was acceptable. 86% of the men and 32% of the women used porn. The percentage among women is growing. I think we all agree porn is exponentially easier to access than it was just ten years ago. If the child is set up to get his selfish desires met, it won’t be hard for him to be allured by porn.
- The spoiled child gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
- The porn addict gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
Instant gratification in a child breeds instant gratification in adults. We’re hiding our heads in the sand (self-deception) to think we can meet all the desires of our child’s heart and expect him not to be this way when he becomes an adult.
Want some tips on how to equip your kids to use technology wisely and how to talk with them about things like porn and sexuality? Download the free e-book Equipped: Raising Godly Digital Natives.
3. Non-Communicative Couples
Porn Training: Married couples communicate less and less, a requirement for porn enjoyment.
One of the common complaints I hear from couples in marriage counseling is the couple’s lack of communication. They hardly talk to each other. If they do talk, it’s usually about family events, mutual transactions, and marital business.
This is a perfect setup for the porn trainee because viewing porn has nothing to do with verbal communication. Porn is about visually enjoying women in order to feed the mind. Who needs to talk? The heart of porn use is privatized self-centeredness. It’s a man isolating himself in order to watch a video.
The heart of the non-communicative couple is self-centeredness. It’s two people married to each other, but living in their private worlds. The children of non-communicative parents are trained in the de-valuing of words, but it’s more than this. It’s the devaluing of the opposite sex. A man who does not talk to his wife is sending a loud message—she is not worthy of his words.
Nothing devalues a woman more than pornography. The female is objectified only for the purpose of being used in a slavish way to satisfy the putrid mind of a man. There is no communication in this scenario.
Husbands, your children need to see the value you give your wife by giving her some of your best words throughout your day. I’m not talking about words which satisfy the family schedule or the financial budget. I’m talking about words which build up, cherish, nourish, and adore your wife. Show the value you place on the woman you married. Let her be exalted in the minds of your children.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
Teach them to talk in ways which build-up the other person. You’re not only valuing the person, but you’re exalting the use of words. This is one of the most powerful ways the Lord builds us up—through His Words.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
4. No Consequences for Actions
Porn Training: Teaches a false confidence through a risk-free relationship.
Along with the spoiled child mentioned above, there is a parallel parental action to giving the kid whatever he desires. This is the parent who teaches little to no consequences for his actions. A child who does not have to pay for what he has done wrong will learn how to get away with anything.
This, too, is a major characteristic of a porn addiction. It gives the addict a false confidence in a risk-free virtual environment.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. (Hebrews 12:6)
Children must have a comprehensive view of love, which means they must be appropriately disciplined when they do wrong. The spoiled child who suffers little consequences in life will have a low regard for rules and authority.
Porn has no rules and low risk. It doesn’t take much to enter the porn world. It’s not like robbing a bank, which makes porn’s allurement all the more appealing. A child who knows he can get away with things is easy prey for the tentacles of pornography.
I’m all for grace-motivated living and doling out affection on my children, but I’m not for letting them get away with sin. We have clear sin categories in our home and my children know where the lines have been drawn. This is a matter of respect and honor for God and His Word. There is a right and a wrong. The porn addict does not have this kind of respect. The lines are blurred, a reality for him which did not begin when he first stumbled onto pornography.
Many porn addicts have a low view of the law of God. They simply do not care, because they have not been made to care. One of the ways you can discern this in your child is by how he respects his siblings or his mother. Typically a child will push his mother farther than he will push his dad. When children do this, they are stretching the boundaries of honor, respect, kindness, and biblical love.
These four things, among several other character traits, are also absent from the porn user. As a parent, you may want to examine how you honor, respect, show kindness, and biblically love those in your home and community.
5. Critical Community in the Home
Porn Training: Criticism and anger are the most common ways we devalue others.
Is your home a critical community? If you were to assess your home, would you determine there is more encouragement, praise, affirmation, and love or is there more frustration, impatience, criticalness, and self-centeredness?
The porn world is a refuge where people go to escape the realities of their lives. It’s a risk-free haven where the addict can be in control, while satisfying his weary mind. There is no place which will affect his mind more than what goes on in his home. Even the church cannot accomplish what the home can accomplish, good or bad.
If the home is not a refuge of encouragement, your child will be tempted to find refuge in other places. Porn is one of the easiest places for him to get lost in the moment. It gives him a satisfying power which he does not experience in his real world. He can go into his momentary addiction and seize the moment with no fear whatsoever of being condemned, judged, criticized, or disappointed. All he will need to do is tweak his conscience in order to feed his habit. Once his conscience is appropriately hardened, he is home-free—according to his self-deception.
The best antidote for this kind of twisted thinking is to create a culture of encouragement in his home. Isn’t this what the Gospel is all about? Each time you read God’s Word you find some kind of benefit? You are encouraged? You are helped? Compare how God’s Words affect you and how your words affect others.
The Porn Trained Kid
Porn training does not happen by volition. It happens by default if the parents are not attuned to the kind of home they have created. Kids are responders and they will respond to what the parent is providing them.
The question now becomes, what are we exporting to our children? We’re all exporting something. The good news for the humble person is he can examine his mind and behavior through the lens of this article and be changed. All a parent needs to do is to implement the needed changes listed under each of the five points mentioned. If you do this, then plan on being surprised by God. His Word is true—He gives favor to the humble (James 4:6).
This article also appears on RickThomas.net: “Five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use porn“
Andrea and Women in Defense of Men(“WIDOM”),
I am in agreement with all of what you say, but I don’t understand at all how this article feeds that problem?
Please don’t misunderstand, my wife does in many ways embody “WIDOM”‘s stereotype of stay at home mom, and I leave before she wakes every day. Our current “conservative” culture feeds it!
(My church even feeds it to a minor degree)
I thought the article was insightful and well articulated. I didn’t feel as if Rick was bashing husbands. I believe he was informing the marriage couple (as a Godly unit, one flesh) how to traverse the years ahead with the prevelance of pornography in our generation. I immensely enjoyed the article and thought it had some amazing suggestions as to how couples should be relating to one another. I also think he was guiding husbands as to how they might relate to their wives. God created all of us as unique individuals with different backgrounds, problems, spiritual levels, and personalities. Remember, only God knows the entire story. Whether someone is a stay-at-home mom, or works two jobs and comes back to serve her family, or a husband stays at home with the kids it is not our place to judge. Kudos to Rick for this wonderful article. God Bless.
I too got the impression that most of Rick’s exhortations were addressed to men, particularly the first point about non-romantic marriages. The irony in my (former) marriage was that it was my wife who refused to be romantic in front of the kids, who was non-communicative (except to be critical), and who was critical of the kids. (I don’t think either one of us promoted instant gratification or a lack of consequences.) Perhaps it would be helpful to state explicitly that either spouse can be a source of these 5 problems.
On a different tack, as one who has struggled with pornography, the only one of the five factors that applied in my home growing up was the critical atmosphere, which was true in spades of my father. I do think that contributed to my susceptibility, in the sense that porn was a route to some (imagined) affirmation.
Admirable article.. this is eye-opening and earnestly provocative, more like this would be a welcome relief from some of the trashy pieces I see online these days.
Freedom from sin* and guilt is better than “freedom” to commit foolishness without shame or sorrow and words of wisdom offered in kind are worth more than all the earths worldly treasures combined.
*(sin being errors of human undoing)
I agree with Jen 100% in the fact that Kevin you have NO right to blame this on the wives. Like she mentioned, most addicts (if not all of them) became addicted when they were children. That means it was before they ever had a girlfriend, before they had a wife, and for most of them even before they had a clue what sex was. I believe wholeheartedly that in a marriage both parties need to do their best to be there for their spouse, support them, and love them. But regardless of what happens within the marriage, the man has no right to use pornography. It is the same as cheating. I know many ladies that are also wives of addicts, and they will tell you the exact same thing. I am in contact with hundreds of these ladies. My husband is an addict, and because of the therapy groups he goes to, he is in contact with lots of other addicts as well; and he will tell you the same thing. The wife has no control over the addiction, or her addicted husband. She didn’t cause it, and she cannot control it. And no amount of sex will keep the addict from continuing in the addiction. So the wife choosing to have sex with her husband more to keep him from acting out in his addiction, will always fail; she cannot control it. And like Jen said, a lot of the time the reason for why the wife is not having sex with her husband is because of the FACT that he is using pornography. The fact that he is choosing to live in his fantasy world with pornography, over choosing his wife. When it comes down to it, we’re each accountable for our own actions; that concept remains the same regardless of whether or not the wife will have sex with the husband. I love my husband to death, but being married to a porn/sex addict has been complete hell in a lot of ways. This addiction can completely destroy the wives because of the betrayal trauma that it causes (which research proves is similar to PTSD) Luckily my husband is getting help, and is working in recovery, but I wouldn’t wish dealing with this addiction on anyone. I’ve watched to many people’s careers, lives, families, marriages, etc. fall apart because of this addiction. It is so sad.
I want to support Andrea Sanderson’s comments. Yes, that are many problems in marriages today and half fall on men. but my observation being a women who has lived 66 years, that women/wives/mothers are very different today than 40 years ago. Today a “stay at home” Mom means one that does not have a job outside the home, very few “stay at home”. And not that it is wrong to shop, have play dates, go to the library ,zoo etc, but then they seem not to feel responsible to cook, clean, have a “home ready for their husbands coming home”. How passe. To honor their husbands. Even many of the Christian comedians make fun of husbands/men! The wife/mother is glorified and poor stupid bumbling dad, needs to get home after leaving in the morning often before his wife even gets up. He has no nap with the kids and then there is dishes to do, put away the laundry, (his wife has had the hard job of putting them in the washer & dryer) homework to help with or even prepare dinner because his wife is exhausted with her play date, and computer time while her kids played (in their rooms). I think many pastors/Christian counselors are older and don’t realize how it is for young couples today. VERY different in roles. Often both parents worked and helped equally with the house work, then the wife starts to be a “stay at home” mom, and she still wants her husband to do half or more of the house work etc. NO honor or even respect to husbands.
And I agree control of access is also vital, whether in their home or that of friends.
I have a question to Andrea and Women in Defense of Men: Is there something specific in this article that makes you believe that Rick is blaming husbands/fathers in particular? I’m genuinely curious. As a father much like the one you just described, I wasn’t offended at all by the article.
While I understand your desire to equal the playing field of marriage and not blame all marital problems solely on the man, I don’t think that was the intention of this article. Addiction to pornography is a VERY real problem that affects more people than we can even imagine. This article only serves to help us see some areas that we, as a family, can improve to hopefully help our children avoid this area of sin. And as far as marriage roles, you are right, they have changed from where they were 40 or 50 years ago. But we need to realize that the first and foremost example of a loving, nurturing, God fearing father will come from our children’s father. And likewise, the example of what a Godly wife looks like will come from us women. While society as a whole has changed, I think it is important to remain responsible for what goes on in our own homes and that includes modeling what a strong, Christian mother, father, marriage, parent looks like.
As a “stay at home” mom, raising and homeschooling 4 boys ages 3-14 I find this comment very sad. Not all stay at home moms are what you are making them to be, do not put the same blanket comment on everyone!!!
This is great insight. In many of the men”s bible studies I and others have been involved in complain about the same thing over and over. Their wives wont have sexual intimacy with them. When their wives do it comes after the man begs for it and it is very infrequent. The second point is that many wives will not let the man lead the household, they want to dominate their house. Is it any wonder when Gods order of things are not obeyed by the women that their husbands and sons are tempted by pornography. I listen to New Life Live on Christian radio and women will call in an are appalled when they discover their husband has been viewing pornography. They radio host then asks the wife how their sex life is, then she discloses that she hasn’t let her husband near her in along time. Is it any wonder why these things happen. Men want to be respected above all else and when a wife denies her husbands intimacy advances she crushes his ego and self esteem. There is so many books and teachings on this fact yet most wives will not admit to their sexual sin in marriage which is denying their husband of sexual intimacy. I don’t feel sorry for these selfish women when they get the consequence of their sin. Since the women believes she is not committing an overt sin because their is no action the her sin, but her no action is as egregious of a sin as her husbands pornography use.
1 Corinthians 7:1-40
English Standard Version (ESV)
Principles for Marriage
7 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I want to reply to Kevin. You’re blaming the WIVES? It is NOT the woman’s fault that a MAN becomes addicted to porn. It is his own choice to look at that filth, until he becomes addicted. MOST men who become addicted to pornography become addicted before they even meet their wives. I’ve heard that the average age for exposure is 8 YEARS OLD.
Have you ever thought that MAYBE the woman stops receiving her husband because her husband has a porn addiction? Pornography is ADULTERY. How do you think it makes the woman feel, catching her husband in the act? He is CHEATING on her. “He who looks at a woman to lust after her commiteth adultery in his heart”. Honestly, knowing your husband is getting his kicks from FAKE WOMEN doesn’t make you feel very attractive or wanted or loved. IT HURTS. It makes you NOT want to be intimate at all. So PLEASE don’t blame the women for their men turning to sin to satisfy their carnal appetites. IT IS NOT THE WOMAN’S FAULT. EVERYONE needs to accept the responsibility and consequences for their own choices and actions.
Jen – You are absolutely right that no matter how odious a woman is in a marriage, nothing justifies a sinful response (such as looking at porn). A man need to own up to his own sin, not blame his wife.
Woman in Defense of Men – I know the dynamic you are talking about and think your observations about modern home life are accurate for many couples. But I’m not exactly seeing the connection to the article. If things were more like they were 40 years ago, how would the dynamic described in the article be different? Can you clarify?
What kind of SAHMs are you referring to? Because its not the majority of us, who wake before our husbands and kids to get laundry going, breakfast made, and if we’re lucky, maybe some exercise. We then have to clean up poop, vomit, pee, and all other manner of disgusting messes, in addition to the housework, which YES, most of us do handle. All of that pales in comparison to the countless hours mothers spend *teaching* their children. That is our first and foremost job, and the emotional effort we put into giving our children the best life possible is quite a toll. So don’t bemoan the life of a man. Men and women work equally hard, and if either of them feel that they are working harder than their spouse, then that’s something they need to work out in THEIR marriage.
I don’t think that we live in a leave it to beaver kind of world any more. That is true and I’m not sure who’ s stay at home experience your describing, but something I’ve learned in my 35 years is you can’t live that persons marriage for them. My marriage is what I think is “conventional” I think the real issue is not who does what but that in love we consider each other more than ourselves being prepared to give up what we could be allowed to do in in public or private . out of consideration for the other. in the same way that jesus did not hold on to the right of Godhood but made himself as a vulnerable babe to be with us. That might mean that I wash fold and put away my husband’s laundry, or might mean he bath the kids at night if I work or not. And it might mean that we both strive to stay devoted to each other emotionally, mentally, and physicaly. And if we struggle with that we have the grace to know that no temptation has seized the other except that which is common to all men/ women and that yet not till the comming of our Lord will grace and forgivness not be need to be dished out with a soup ladle moment by moment.
Oh wow, let’s not characterize all stay at home moms this way please. I work from home with a full time job AND do the job of a stay at home mom too. I do more before noon than my husband does all day and he even says this. I think what you have pictured here is very rare and not prevalent in most of the stay at home moms I know!
I would like to reply to Kevin. As a husband of 4 years now, I can identify with the frustration of being married to a wife who doesn’t want to have sex with you. It is extremely frustrating and can push a husband to sin. Any sin we commit is still our own responsibility, but there are things others do that make it harder to resist temptation.
The best analogy I can think of for women is this: A man’s primary need for fulfillment in marriage is sexual, while his secondary need is emotional. Women are just the opposite. Now imagine a woman whose husband will not spend any time talking with her or listening to her talk. Her biggest need for fulfillment is emotional, and a big part of filling that need is by spending time talking and really sharing from the heart. If a husband refuses to listen and connect on that level, it really causes a strong temptation for her to find someone else who will listen. It doesn’t force her to find emotional fulfillment in someone else, but it causes a strong temptation. In the same way, a wife who refuses to meet her husband’s sexual needs creates a strong temptation for him to find another way to meet that need.
We went through a time in our marriage when my wife was not only neglecting my sexual needs, she was very emotionally connected to a young woman who was staying in our home. It got so bad that she almost left me for the young woman.
I realized after much heartbreak and pain that almost everything I’ve been told about marriage and relationships by our culture, even in the church, is wrong. I came across the “manosphere” and a book by an atheist, Athol Kay, called “The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011”. That book, along with a book by James Dobson called “Love Must Be Tough”, helped me change my thinking and save our marriage by God’s help.
One reason so many wives today are not meeting their husband’s sexual needs is because they are not attracted to them. This doesn’t let them off the hook, but it does point to the source of a big problem in today’s marriages.
What most Americans today do not realize is that a woman cannot be attracted to a husband she controls.
I thought my job as the husband was to pretty much let my wife have her way as much as possible. What I didn’t realize is that she can only feel secure, and attracted to me, if I stand up to her and tell her no. Not for personal preference like a tyrant, but rather on issues of right and wrong. As I learned to stand up to my wife and take charge, an amazing thing happened. Suddenly the lady who wasn’t really interested in sex with me got her sex drive back! The more I learned to operate as a confident man, understanding my value and my responsibility to take charge in the marriage, the more she began to respect me. Along with that respect came sexual attraction and Biblical submission. The woman who used to absolutely hate the word submission now says there’s nothing she would rather do than submit to me. Our culture, both in and out of church, is telling us many lies about marriage. It took an atheist to show me some very important points.
I know the mudslinging will probably come my way, but I will say this: Don’t knock God’s way until you’ve tried it! The man is supposed to be in charge in the home. He is also, as a sacrificial leader, supposed to submit to Christ. The man leads out and takes charge in the home, just like Christ leads out and takes charge in the church.
God bless each one of you.
Hello Andrea,
This is Rick Thomas, the writer of the article. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I do apologize for it offending you. It certainly was not may intent to blame anyone, but to point out a significant problem in our community, churches, and our homes.
As a counselor, I deal with these things all the time and have seen much personal evidence to support the intent of the article. However, it was not my intent to offend, merely help. Again, I’m sorry.
Rick Thomas
I think that we need to keep this in perspective, the man is the head of the home, thus carries a different role and responsibility. Just as Christ is the head of the church, Christ carries the load and responsibility of the church. Does that make us a women or the church not responsible? No, I am not saying that, but roles are clearly defined.
These roles were not created equal.
While I certainly agree with many of the points made in this article, it’s yet another nail in the coffin of the male-blaming community when it comes to marital problems, pornographic material and – in general – the degradation of the community, of society and of the marital bond.
While I certainly and clearly understand that male pornographic use is the largest use, the focus – and especially the blame – should never be levied onto one party when you are talking about a team. In marriage you are a unit; you act as individuals but you function as one God-loving unit. To place the blame so heavily on men I think is a harmful practice that, on it’s own, sets men up with the mentality “If I’m being blamed for it before I do it, why not be guilty?”
Love one another through God, and through one another love God; breath into the world through that love the ineffable beauty of marriage, love and family.
Very good point Andrea. The article says 1/3rd of women look at porn, but the whole rest of it talks as if only boys are susceptible.
It also focuses most of the time on only the father doing things to prevent it. He needs to pursue, love, respect, honor, and cherish, his wife so the kids will see healthy romance – but the kids aren’t seeing healthy romance unless both their parents pursue, love, respect, honor, and cherish one another.
I agree with Andrea, I found many interesting points in the article, however I would have appreciated legitimate science to be included. One statistic that was not cited to my understanding does not lend itself to my agreement. That being said as a man who definitely subscribes to the classical belief of responsibilities within a home and a man who has existed within a home that met many of these criteria, I found the reasoning hypothetical and based on a summation of experiences rather than study and unbiased experiences. As a Christian this changes our perspective but does not lend itself to neglecting reason. We must appropriately strengthen our argument to meet the standards of research. Making points and submitting verifiable evidenciary support is a much more effective way to reach those among us that do not believe as we do. We use our principles, faith, and values while describing it in suck a way to protect our arguments. I do not disagree with any single point in particular but making references to valid psychological conditioning that has already been proven would create a more compelling argument.
While I agree that one party in a marriage is not solely responsible and am not about male bashing or male blaming. Scripture after scripture holds men responsible as the head. Men bear much of the weight and responsibility to their household and ultimately Chirst, as do we all. Our desire will be for our husband and he will rule over us. The reason their is a finger pointed at the men in this way, is because they are the head and by God’s very design. They bear the weight of that leadership role.
More often then not, statistically, there is a higher percentage of men struggling in this area than women.
I think this article is spot on and raising two boys I am quite thankful I came across it.
Andrea, I respectfully disagree. I am a woman who is a man respecter and lover and will openly leave friendships where there is manbashing. I honor men and thier roles and part of the sickness of porn addiction is that I have been blamed and blamed for what I DID NOT bring into my marriage. I have been very cognizent of my role in our marriage and communication and what my obligations and responses “should” be. I am and have been willing to grow and learn. Fact is, I did not choose this and the article is dead on in my case. I love that you talk about the marriage being a team! It takes both partners and when one is covering himself and discontinues being God-loving then there is serious hardship and please, please don’t discount the heartache and helplessness that we women are experiencing. It is certainly unfair and a part of what will keep us in super unhealthy relationships with no hope for something better. Shaming women for what they have not done is unacceptable.
Great article! Just wanted to add one thought….all of these ideas are wonderful. My husband and I have tried to do all of them and, though we have failed at times, we have trusted The Lord to protect our kids through our failures. And yet, we have recently discovered that one of our sons has been viewing porn regularly. No “recipe” is foolproof in our human attempts. We are devastated and now trying to help our son overcome this addiction. Your last paragraph left the impression that following your 5 step plan would somehow guarantee a porn-free home. I just want to point out that satan is prowling around in every Christian home looking for an opportunity to devour our young kids. At some point your child may make the same discovery that our son did and then what? We are struggling as I’m sure many others are. Could we have done more to protect him? How do we protect our other two sons? How do we deal with extended family and friends about this issue? It’s a hard road.
Hey Mom,
I’m encouraged by your desire to love your family and how you guys have modeled the things I’ve mentioned. You also raise a great point–even our best parenting is not a guarantee things will go well with our children.
It reminds of of Paul Miller’s quote in The Praying Life, “The best parenting advice you’ll ever receive is to pray for your children.”
That has really helped me in realizing no matter how hard I try, it is the grace of God which will prevail. Yes, we have a responsibility to parent well, but if our children love God, it will be by His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9).
As for help and advice? I’m sure there are plenty of resources on this CE site. You’re welcome to come by our place too. It’s here: http://www.RickThomas.Net.
I offer a Membership Site where I answer questions, coach, consult, as well as provide webinars, training, and over 1000 articles like this one, which targets over 250 topics, most of which are about marriage and family.
Thank you for commenting. Thank you for caring about your children. Thank you for loving God.
Be encouraged and don’t stop what you’re doing.
rick
Great ideas but not fool proof or a fix all. I read a book once called He Restoreth My Soul. It was one of the best books which talked about both the spiritual and the physiological aspects of porn addiction. It really helped in our marriage. Porn CAN be overcome with Christ and with day to day choices that with time free the addicted brain. My husband helps a lot of friends and family now to the road to recovery.
Thank you for mentioning this. We have done everything good on this list yet our son still got hooked. He was introduced to it by a little girl on the playground at age 11. You can have a perfect home and it can still get in. The best thing to do is still love them, try to help them overcome the addiction if it starts, and let them know that God loves them too by encouraging them to pray about it.
Hi Wendy,
So sorry to hear about what happened to your son. You are right. The article is about trends that will set your child up for being drawn to porn, not about getting everything right to secure a perfect child.
How have you been able to deal with this problem?
Wow, these 5 issues that put a child at risk of porn compulsion is insightful.
I would also add that access is also a key issue. I suggest that the family computer be put in a location that can be seen by everyone. Having laptops and tablets with internet access at night is probably dangerous. At least cut the wifi at night.
Hopefully more parents are able to be more watchful of their children. Especially as a large percentage of addictions and compulsions are formed in the adolescent/teen years.
I think that this is a good idea overall, but I promise you it will not stop a porn addict from getting their fix. When I was younger, my mom fought tooth and nail to extinguish my porn addiction. I can tell you right now that I found my ways around every roadblock I faced. Everything she tried to do to help me stop failed. I still struggle with the addiction today, and ALL of the above factors were present in contributing, but I have a plethora of other problems that I won’t go into detail on on here.
I do think that what you mentioned could aid in the discovery of pornography, or rather preventing it, but I promise you once you’re hooked, you’re hooked … even if it means drawing the porn or making it up about people you know — even family.
The key thing is do not let your kids have their phones or technology items in their bedroom after lights out. Have a staging area for night time.
This is very important, Steve. Yes.
I totally agree…in addition to agreeing with what was said about parenting & children, just having curiosity piqued by an innocent search which brings back lusty busty images was enough to spark my 6 year olds curiosity which turned into a full on forest fire! I have since put a timed family security on the computer which limits the amount of time spent on the computer daily & the times he can use it. It’s just natural interest & curiosity…but soo much sooner than I expected to have “that” conversation!
This is excellent. Wish I would have done more of this when my son (step) was younger. This article is a real encouragement as I minister to other men at church bible studies and discussion groups.
Men use porn for multiple reasons, and it isn’t because they’re evil, addicted, twisted perverts. For starters, men lack the incentives today to fulfill their traditional role of breadwinner and head of household. Media mocks us, the courts are stacked against us, we enter marriages assuming most ( if not all) financial risk, should it go south. We’re told if we try to act like traditional men, we’re Neanderthals, yet if we act any other way, we need to ‘man up’. You see evidence of men bowing out of ,marriage, education, the workforce, pretty much everywhere. We’re getting less for working harder, diminishing returns on our investment in time, effort and money.
Porn is often an escape for some men, much as romance novels and romance movies are for many women. It’s a poor substitute for an actual relationship, but when that is absent, where does one turn? Some will say God. Sorry, but God doesn’t fill that void. You also need to look at the inequities in the dating world. Men are still expected to fulfill the roles of the pursuer, we’re still expected to do the lion’s share of the wooing and courting, yet women are our equals. It’s inherently harder for men to date, and it’s not getting any easier. You have millions of men who aren’t dating, who have no outlet for their desires, be them physical or otherwise, and porn is the only thing left to them.
Of course, this doesn’t address porn being watched by those in relationships, though I have married friends who watch it together, and assert that it has improved their relationship.
For those who have someone who watches porn, such as a curious adolescent boy, don’t shame them. Don’t threaten them with the wrath of God, or treat them like a deviant. This will only send them in the exact opposite direction. Have some understanding.
After saying that 30% of women look at porn, it would have been nice to see a female pronoun regarding the porn addict, rather than the sole use of the male pronoun. Women can get addicted to porn too and it’s just as damaging. Also, there’s no discussion here of how many men end up seeking porn when their moves for intimacy with their wives are rejected. This usually starts with a lack of healthy communication and when a woman is self-centered about her sexual desires: i.e., she doesn’t feel like it, she’s not in the mood, she only wants to have sex once or month or never. Men feel intimacy with their wives when they have the chance to express that sexually. And usually, men who are satisfied and who believe porn isn’t good, would rather get their needs met at home. When they don’t, they tend to look for false intimacy in porn. They may not seek it actively, but once it’s there, they use it.
It’s also not helpful to talk about men this way: “the putrid mind of the male.” Real helpful. Men are the way God created them: sexual. If you hate men, how do you feel about God, their creator?
This was an amazing article. It’s a great way to encourage better family relationships. I’d like to correct one thing though, addiction to porn is no way to weigh someone’s relationship to God. Porn is like any other addiction, and sin for that matter. There are plenty of God fearing people who are addicted to porn. It doesn’t make them any less Christian than you or I. That’s is what they need the saviours atonement for, and like them… You and i have our reasons/problems for needing the atonement. Like I said, great article. Loved reading it. Will use some thoughts from it, I just fully disagree with what you said there.
This is a very good article and was glad to see it.
I would also like to see another post to help sufferers who have been accepting and putting up with this infidelity behavoir, that the fact is that porn IS cheating. It IS Infedelity. And to the Christian it is a sin, and an absolute, justifiable reason for divorce.
I do not understand why on earth women ( or anyone) accept this, (unless they are stuck in a situation they cant leave at the moment.)
I have read ridiculous excuses in the comments below, and these people are seroiusly so much if the problem that i can say with loathing confidence that Infedelity and adultery will never go away.
when people take a stand, and create real and lasting concequences to pornography, maybe people might then have to start thinking about growing a conscience, since they have discarded the one God gave them with their own selfish desires.
No one that practices selfish sex is regarding God, who created it, and definitly has no understanding of marriage,( God also created this) and honestly should do their ( i will refer to as) ” insigificant” partner a favor, & don’t filth Gods marriage arrangement with ignorance & blatant disrespect by getting married in the first place!
These people have no healthy concept of love, sex or marriage and therefore are not suitable partners at all.
Hi Lisa. We have a post you might really enjoy called “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?” Let me know if this is what you are looking for.
IF you are going to be against porn that is fine,, but maybe get your facts straight first. I will only give a few examples. First of all this was presented in a way that only men watch porn. Which is not true. Women watch porn too. Also whoever wrote this has obviously not watched porn. As a porn watcher myself I can tell you that anyone is “porn worthy” there isnt a specific type. In porn there are all ages and races and shapes and sizes. There is something for everyone. I blame women complexes more on Media and not porn. But women should be confident and not care what media says. And if a man isnt going to give his wife attrition… In this article you are taking responsibility away from the man. There will always be prettier women. Just walking down the street there might be a women that is prettier than his wife. Its the mans responsibility to not be a douche bag.
Hi Rachael,
I’m confused. Doesn’t Rick say, “86% of the men and 32% of the women used porn. The percentage among women is growing”? It seems that he’s not assuming that women don’t use porn, but stating outright that they do.
I’m not sure Rick is saying that “porn worthy” means a specific type of person and only that type, but that a man or woman should make his or her spouse the standard of beauty.
I’m also not sure how Rick is taking responsibility away from “the man.” Can you point out where he does that?
I think this is a sensational attempt to get people to read an article that is really about the importance of building a healthy marriage for the sake of your children. This is important. But will it keep your child from pornography? A healthy family will hopefully model and propagate open discussions about temptations we all face: porn, alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, cutting or a myriad of other addictions. A healthy family enriches its children with the tools and love to battle the many sins which wage war on our lives. It teaches children to lean into Jesus when the going gets tough and that we have an opponent, the devil who prowls around like a lion.
Raising children in a healthy family, however, is not a guarantee or an insurance policy. We are a fear based, blame-filled society and I believe this article fans the flame. What if you strive to do everything right as a parent or a spouse and yet it isn’t enough? How does this article impact the parent struggling with children already ensnared by sin? The burden of thinking that if only they had tried harder or done better their children’s lives would have been different is both crushing and unkind. Protecting our children from any sin just isn’t this easy or contrived, nor can it be broken down into “5 Sure-Fire Ways”. Per the writer “All a parent needs to do is implement the needed changes listed under each of the five points mentioned.” Really? My heart goes out to anyone who has been injured by the glib, careless content of this piece.
Hi Courtney,
A few thoughts for you…
1. Keep in mind the direction of the article. The article states things in the positive: “By training these attitudes and ideas into your kids, you set them up to be more drawn to porn.” The article is not stating the opposite: “If you do everything right as a parent, your child won’t look at porn.” I think you’re putting words into Rick’s mouth here.
2. Some might say we are in a fear-based society. Others might say we aren’t afraid enough. I say we probably aren’t afraid of the right things as a society. Either way, to be fearful that you might be filling your child’s mind with lies that might set them up for years of heartache is not a bad fear to have. This article goes a long way to show that protection from porn is not merely a function of external blockades, but is a function of creating a loving home where children are nurtured and disciplined in a biblical manner. It shows the wisdom behind God’s methods. If a parent is provoked to fear because of reading this and it moves them to change how they parent, I say “Amen.”
3. This article doesn’t help a parent with a child already struggling in sin, and if you want every article you read online to solve every potential problem that might ever be encountered, you will be sorely disappointed with every website. This website is filled with article for parents who are in that position. We have free e-books, guides, and articles for parents who are facing that. When I asked Rick to write this piece, he kept the topic deliberately focused. That’s not short-sited. That’s just good writing.
First off half of you making excuses to why porn is ok. You’ve been indoctrinated and want to feel it is ok.
Two: Ladies are you seriously going to raise your hands when asked ” How many of you enjoy the thought of your man thinking of another woman while having sex with you”…….raise your hands now on how great that is to know.
How many of you women will ok with knowing your husband isn’t able to have a rise in his levis unless he’s looking at some porn book or video. Shouldn’t you feel hurt your not good enough to give him that rise all by yourself.
How many realize how much of an addiction this is, and it can lead to other notions of little kids, how many of you realize half the time men look at porn ARE THEY LOOKING at women their age , They aren’t…..
they are basically women in their early twenties, some check out little kids, I mean come on man this crap is sickening and it’s even more sickening when it leads to being turned on by basically a kid twenties or not.
This is a very insightful article. The first paragraph….sadly and disgustingly, I know of parents who do not mind their children looking at porn. In fact, they think it is part of the normal stages of life.
It is an excuse to use porn for the weary mind. This, to me, is an excuse not valid to the victims that this selfish lifestyle destroys.
This is very helpful.
Somehow I could not help but to think about for those single parents who are desired to parent their kids well even though they do not have the other half to work together. I thought it would be great that there is a biblical source to help them out.