My first exposure to pornography happened when I was six years old. It happened on the playground. I can still remember the image to this day. That image hijacked my naïve six-year-old mind and was the impetus that gradually shaped a life of addiction, isolation, and duplicity.
Seasons of sobriety were outweighed by seasons of a more progressive form of porn addiction, and with it increased isolation and duplicity. Being a pastor’s kid didn’t help my situation either. Too ashamed to talk about my struggles with anyone, especially my dad, I was left alone to fight my battles. I felt completely isolated.
The Downward Spiral of Porn
This struggle continued all through my childhood and into my adulthood. In fact, this secret addiction eventually spilled over into my marriage. My wife had caught me looking at porn on several occasions. Fearful of what she would do, I promised that I would never look at porn again, only to be overcome with my craving for harder and grosser forms of pornography.
Five years into our marriage, images on a screen no longer satisfied me. Succumbing to my lust, I eventually sought out another woman. I contacted a lady selling her “services” on Craigslist and with $100 fulfilled the porn fantasies that brewed in my mind for decades.
Years of shame and years of struggling alone, with no one to talk to, finally became too overwhelming. I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life and had, at last, recognized my depravity. I needed help.
It was in this very pain and spiritual decadence that God met me. His truth, mercy and grace, along with the love of my family (especially from my wife) became the very thing God used to restore my marriage and purity, ultimately setting me, and my family, on a path to see others set free from porn and its devastating effects. As a result, Porn Scar was created.
Porn Scar: Setting Men and Women Free
Porn Scar’s main mission is:
- To awaken the Church about the ‘pornification’ of the society it’s called to restore.
- To educate the public about the harms of porn and its culture.
- To encourage and equip people to “Get Free, Stay Free and Free Others.”
One of the main ways we act out our mission is through conversation. When someone talks about how porn affected them God uses it to bring genuine freedom to others. One person’s victory has the potential to become another’s victory. Porn Scar believes that through honest and vulnerable conversation with others we create a safe environment for our listeners to come into God’s light for themselves. We believe that letting people in our own lives, through candid and vulnerable conversation, is a critical key that unlocks others to open up and receive God’s truth that sets them on the path of freedom.
Married to his wife Heather for 9 years and father of 5 children, Richie Cruz has a passion to see individuals and even entire cities be freed from pornography and its effects. He founded his organization Porn Scar with its mission to educate the public about the harms of pornography and equip individuals with solutions that help them “Get Free, Stay Free, and Free Others.” Richie believes that “every scar has a story” and that freedom can come to others by sharing them.
I have been doing porn since i was 8 i do not remeber how it started I hate though I feel isolated with no way out I am a pastors kid too Im scared
Hey Micah,
It’s unfortunately all too common these days for young kids to get into porn use accidentally, and then to find themselves trapped. As a parent myself, I always say that I wouldn’t let my kids walk down Bourbon Street by themselves, so I wouldn’t let them on the internet alone either. Unforunately, too many kids were left alone in a very dangerous setting. It sounds like that happened to you, and like most kids, you blame yourself.
Listen: early, accidental exposure is not your fault. I’m sorry that the adults in your life weren’t able to protect you from this. But you can get out and find your way to safety, I promise. And there is lots of help available. You don’t have to be alone.
I would say, find a safe adult to talk with about this. Hopefully your dad or your mom could be a safe person? If not, possibly a school counselor, a coach, or some other trustworthy adult? You can always try telling your parents that you’re struggling with some issues and would like to talk to a counselor, and then that counselor can help you approach your parents if you want. I would suggest a counselor who is not connected to your parent’s church, someone who is a licensed, qualified professional.
And if this is all too difficult to face as a minor, well, when you’re over 18 you can seek help for yourself without having to reveal it to your family. Of course I do think it’s best if you can approach your family, but I recognize that this is not always possible.
Please just know that you are not alone, and that there ARE safe people who will help you through.
Kay
I too have been struggling with porn since age 9. My first experience sexually was about the same time and that went on for about a year. From that point on i was in a sexual relationship until i met my wife at age 15. I never really learned what love truly was. My porn addiction continued to spiral downhill, I dont know if it was from shame or trying to escape but I ended up on meth for many years. The drugs combined with my porn addiction led to worse and worse depravity. I wont go into everything here but these addictions eventually led to prison. Ive been out almost 9 years and have completely given up drugs. Porn on the other hand still continues to be a problem, while no where near to the degree it used to be, im scared that if i dont break this, it will get there again. Ive come back to the Lord and have been studying my Bible and was clean for a month however fell again tonight. I refuse to let satan win, I know that only through honesty, accountability, and foremost the Lord will I be able to win this 34 year battle once and blessedly for all. Please keep me in your prayers
Hi Bob,
The history you’ve recounted here sounds to me like you were a victim of child sexual abuse. It sounds to me like you need to find a good therapist who can help you process through that pain and all the pain you’ve suffered since.
Peace to you,
Kay
I too have and do struggle with this issue. With God’s grace and love I have found accountability, and blocked certain things on my phone and computer. Reading this segment puts me more at ease because I have had issues communicating to people I have an embarrassing addiction to porn. After reading and praying, I have more hope.
Check out Dr Doug Weiss Heart to Heart ministries. They will put you in touch with a Celebrate Recovery program in your area. It is an incredible program!
Wow, how easy it was for you! You are married, able to HAVE SEX with someone that loves you and thankfully supports you.
You had access to prostitutes and was able to express those physical and chemical urges.
So of course with the help of people around you, and with your wife still able to express those physical and chemical urges you were able to receive your freedom via God’s love.
I am happy for you, but I am alone in dealing with this addiction and shame. I know that God wants to free me of this sin and has forgiven me of all the others. However, I am still making poor choices, going back to it time and time again. I don’t have anyone, no prostitute to even temporary releive me of the physical and chemical urges.
I am a lowly sinner. I know and believe that God will help free me of this addiction eventually. But until then how do I distract myself and ignore the physical/chemical dependencies forming this addiction? I try to be obedient, even block myself from accessing the porn sites, but I am still alone. I seek help from others voicing my shame and have an accountability partner. Yet, I am still alone no wife. Even if God blesses me with a wife. I want to be free of this addiction before that.
Richie, we just had a study on the end of the Chapter 3 of Ephesians. We shared about how the Lord is made perfect in our weakness, how when we confess of sins God is able to be glorified by allowing us to be made perfect but only through our weaknesses whether it’s confession and even seeking prayer to other believers. And its so true we will always be weak and when we feel weak it’s because we are, when we will feel hard pressed it’s because we are, when we feel struck down it’s because we are. Yet, never destroyed never abandoned and never crushed. The joy of the Lord is my strength yet in my weakness He is made strong. Joy is strength and through my weakness I can glorify Him because of His strength.
Thank you Lord for the ministry you have given Richie and thank you Richie for allowing the Lord to teach and guide others on how the Lord is teaching and guiding you
Hi, am Ike from Ghana. I’ve also been into pprn & masturbation for a little above a decade. The last i watched was just yesterday but I’ve spoken to a couple of people who are helping me overcome this thing.
I’ve also subscribed to covenant eyes but my loaction and kind of phone am using does not help me to get full acces.
I still remember my first time I chanced on porn. Still feels like yesterday.
There are couple of times you could go clean and you feel its over but you wouldn’t know what happens then this high pressure brings you back. But I want to be relentless in my persuit for purity.
I believe strongly its going to work this time.
Thanks to you guys for sharing your story.
I’ll get there!!
I’ve been looking this for years and it just gets worse and worse and I’m so tired of it. I want to be who everyone thinks I am. I’m 2 days clean right now, and tomorrow is going to be 3. I’m really struggling with telling my wife of 6 years. With whom I have 2 children who I do not want to let down.
Shane, it’s been almost a month since your post, but if you haven’t yet, I recommend that you tell your wife. I was lost in addiction to porn for decades. I kept it secret throughout that time even into 10 years of marriage. Telling my wife was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the best. Confessing my problem to her released the years of shame and guilt that I was carrying. I wept bitterly as I explained my addiction and I knew that it was crushing for her to hear, but I could feel the Holy Spirit flood into the darkest part of my life. Your wife will need to be able to process the truth, and the anger and other emotions that come with it and while she does you need to be as humble as dirt. Get support as you start your journey. Talk to your Pastor. You need to meet with others that not only want to be clean but that are staying clean. Christ died to give us freedom from our sin. We don’t have to go back.
4 years later and I am still walking in freedom thanks to the grace of our amazing savior! My marriage is stronger than it ever could have been while I was looking at porn, and my wife and I have become a team helping others sort through this terribly destructive problem.
Stay Strong
Please tell your wife. As in Richie’s story, my marriage is better than ever since my husband’s addiction has been brought into the light. The enemy comes to destroy and you make it easier by keeping things in the dark. Our God is an amazing healer. Without Him, I would have walked away but get ready for what He will do for you and your wife. The enemy would leave you alone if you didn’t have an amazing destiny ahead. Once you conquer this (and you will in time), you are going to do something amazing for God, I know it!
Anton and Frank; I cannot stress enough how important it is to find an accountability partner, a sex therapist, and buy an online porn blocker such as Covenant Eyes or XWatch. You absolutely MUST get this problem out in the open. Secrecy is your biggest hurdle in overcoming this battle. I have fought and lost this war for more than 40 years. Only recently have I taken the above advice and so far it has worked wonders. Still, you have to fill your mind with scripture and be ready to resist the devil with God’s ammunition. You can do it!
Thank you Jerry, needed to hear that. Much love brother! We are transformed by the renewing of our mind.
I Agree! For me the ADDITION of daily scripture is really keeping me FOCUSED on God. I even downloaded an Audio Bible App “AUDIO” You can listen to a dramatized version of the Bible you can plug it into your car audio system also
Remember you need positive personal contact 3 X daily. If you’re lucky enough to have Huggers in your life, that is best. (Side hugs for kids teens or anyone you feel tempted) I’ve found even squeezing or patting someone’s shoulder can be Therapeutic for you & the person you reach out to a
I have been addicted to porn for about 7-8 years of my life, I only realized this now and it is kind of ruining my every thought. I want to marry my girlfriend within the next 2 – 3 years and I can’t afford to have this as an issue when I am married.
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope.