“We know this wasn’t you; women just don’t have this problem.” Those words hit hard. More than anything, I wanted to be caught. Here I was, red-handed, with a red folder. If they had checked my email they would have found pictures I had sent to a man at a different college. If she had asked if it was me, I would have said “yes.” I would have gladly accepted help. Instead, I was forced to sign my name, vowing that I would not give out my log-in information again because this obviously was not me.
But it was me.
Women and Porn Addiction
As I have worked with women addicted to pornography and masturbation, I have found this phenomenon painfully common. Young women want help, but how, exactly, do you ask for help from women in church who cringe at the mention of sex? Mention pornography and the mind pictures a man in a dark room on a computer. Do not even think about mentioning masturbation—unless, of course, you are a man.
At a recent youth meeting, a youth pastor discussed saving sex for marriage. During the invitation, he asked for those who struggled with lust or sex to raise their hands for prayer. More girls raised their hands than guys.
How often do we have meetings with women about sex? We have meetings about purity and modesty. We tell women not to give themselves to the “sex-crazed” men around them. What if the woman is “sex-crazed?”
Satan is not gender-specific. If men struggle with lust, then you better believe women do. If men struggle with masturbation, women do. If men struggle with pornography, women do. The only difference between men and women is that it is a well-known fact that men struggle. Both are still sinning. Both still need grace. Both can still receive grace.
The Key to Women Breaking Free from Porn Addiction
In the body of Christ, men have been given that which women long for most—community. Christian conferences are built around men struggling. A solid 90% of the books on pornographic addiction are for men. There is accountability. There are resources. There are small groups. There is community.
Women thrive in community, in relationships where they can be themselves and be loved for who they are. For women trapped in sexual sin, community does not exist. For these women, the chains are silent. They go throughout life with a ball and chain. Do they have social lives? Absolutely. They may even be involved in church. They may teach Sunday school. They may sing on the praise team in youth group. But at the core of who they are, they are empty, trapped, and very much alone.
One young lady put it well. “There is no way I could tell my pastor’s wife—she might have a heart attack!!! I wish there was someone I could tell, but at this point, there isn’t.” Women are not trapped by pornography as much as they are trapped by the fear of breaking free.
Women are not often drawn to pornography for the physical aspect of it all. Talk to women struggling with pornography, and a majority will tell you it is emotional. Somehow, in some twisted way, pornography has provided a sense of community. It comes with its share of guilt and shame, but it is community. They would love to leave it if they knew something was waiting for them. The problem is that they do not see another community waiting for them. Every day they battle with guilt and shame, but pornography is always there, waiting with open arms, reminding them that the invitation always stands while the body of Christ turns its collective head.
Related: Silence–The Sound of Female Sexual Shame
The day those chains broke for me I was sitting in an auditorium with 300 other women. The dean of women stood up front and said, “I know there are many of you in here who are struggling with pornography and masturbation. We know you are out there, we love you, and we want to help.” What a relief! It was not easy writing down my deepest, darkest secret on a slip of paper, but there it was. I handed it to the dean staff and walked back to my dorm room. The whole way back my flesh screamed, “Do you understand what you have done? They will kick you out! Pack your bags! You aren’t coming back.” When a member of the staff visited me later that night and wrapped her arms around me in a hug, she said, “That was brave, and we are going to help you get free of this.” I cried. For years, I had fought alone, in silence, and now someone knew. Someone understood.
That was a huge day in the lives of many of my friends. After announcing the launch of Beggar’s Daughter, a college friend of mine reflected on her own struggle and remembered the silence:
“Something that has always bothered me is that so often pornography is associated with men, but not so much with women. This leaves us women feeling as though we are alone in the struggle with this, that no one would understand, hopeless. That is a lie from Satan though . . . I struggled with it for 10 years and didn’t tell anyone for a long time, because I thought no one would understand. I never really began to deal with the underlying issues until [after that meeting].”
It is time the church woke up and realized that, as much as we do not like it, pornography is real and is a co-ed struggle. Every site a man can access, a woman can access. It is out there; it is available. It is time that help, hope, and grace is made more available than the pornography. The one place a woman should feel safe, should feel loved, should feel accepted is within the body of Christ, surrounded by grace and love, not in a quiet, darkened corner of cyberspace, silenced by pain and guilt.
I struggle with sex dream and masturbation. Sometime with porn too. I don’t like to watch it’s really the sexual fulfillment that it bring that make me coming back to it. I been struggling with low self esteem and unsatisfaction in my life and where I am in life right now. It’s so hard I think sometime that God will finally give up on me this time but he find a way to show me that he is still there. I stumble on this article on Twitter and I feel better to know I’m not alone. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I am positive that God will find a way to heal me and deliver me completely from it. I didn’t watch porn in a long time but I masturbate every 20 days especially when I’m ovulating. I’m single and I never had a boyfriend. I am scared to be in a relationship with my future husband and not be able to enjoy sex normally because of my sins. Thank for breaking the stereotypes on porn and help women who struggle with it
I knew that the masturbation thing was a common struggle among girls/women, but thought I had to be the only female in a 100 miles who found herself enjoying “good porn” (good as in it has a plot and a romantic setting). I manage to stay away from it when I have a steady boyfriend (a boyfriend tends to keep both my mind and time occupied, and provides an avenue for some measure of legitimate affection like hugging and kissing), but in times that I’m flying solo, it is hard to stay away from it. I try to keep busy, but sometimes it just ends up on my computer screen.
Hi Kay! Thank you for your kind words. I did go to Christian counseling for a few months and it definitely helped me realize that I had a lot of unresolved pain. I took your advice and joined an saa group that has been very helpful for me. Its funny how much I don’t want to loose my chip even though it’s my first chip hah! I finally joined a small group at my church and am learning how to be open enough so that I may develop these healing relationships that I know I need. God is truly working in me and I am beyond thankful that he pursued me and continues to redeem me thru the blood of the precious lamb Jesus Christ. I also love covenant eyes and have found many of your articles to b a great help to my struggle. Thank you guys so much!
Lydia! I’m so glad you’ve found help! That’s so encouraging to hear! Let us know how it’s going, and how we can help in the future. Peace to you–Kay
I began masturbating when I was 4. I am now 24 and still struggle with it. As a child I didn’t sexually fantasize during masturbation. It was simply a pleasurable sensation that I very much enjoyed. However, I somehow knew it was a private matter so I always did it in secret. My parents had no clue. As I got older the masturbation and fantasizing went hand in hand. I did it every chance I got. Sometimes over 10Times a day especially during my adolescent years. I was never a fan of pornography untill recently. I know how destructive it is but my curiosity got the best of me one day. It didn’t take long to get me hooked. I promised I’d stay away from it but a few days later, there I was again. I’ve enjoyed sex since I became sexually active at the age of 14 and porn is a secret world where I can indulge in private. I hate everything ab it and so I can’t understand y it keeps appealing to me? I hate the way it displays men and women as sexual commodities! I hate the way that it gives men and women an unrealistic and untrue idea of sex. I hate the way it idolizes degradation and punishment. I hate the way it destroys a man/ woman’s sex drive bc one image is never enough! I hate the way it convinces men and women alike that u have to look and act a certain way to be worthy to be lusted after. I hate the way it leaves u craving more and more but can never satisfy! I hate the way it molds ur mind into prioritizing superficial beauty over the inner beauty of a persons heart. I hate the way it has many men and women searching for that “ideal” man/woman or “body type” And yet, when I fantasize or search for porn I search for pornography that is both degrading and humiliating to the woman. One side of me despises it, and a darker side of me craves only meaningless degrading sex. How can I love something I loathe?? And then I hate myself for being able to find enjoyment in something so far from the way sex is designed to be. It is suppoused to be oneness. True intimacy. Yet the type of sex I crave is meaningless and demeaning. Am I the only woman like this?? I’m making an active effort to stay away from porn, sex, and masturbation but it’s more difficult than I imagined. I know God doesn’t want me to engage in “meaning less” and” degrading” sex so I’m trying to rewire my mind to desire the oneness that comes from having sex the way the Lord intended it. However, i’m not exactly certain how to achieve this. I question myself frequently. Why do I crave empty sex?? Why do I want to be humiliated?? Why do I feel I need this type of sex to be happy?? Is it bc I feel that this is what I deserve? Or is it something deeper? I was a stripper for 6years of my life. During that time I focused on becoming a woman to be lusted after. A walking fantasy. That’s how u acquired returning customers. Make them feel loved, special.I didn’t model myself to be like Christ but rather modeled myself to be like a porn star. Eager, submissive and happy to serve! Which wasn’t difficult for me because I have always enjoyed making others happy. Even though these things were detrimental to both me and the men I was catering to I thought I was doing a great deed. I didn’t know Christ at that time. I was certainly treated like an object. Every night men would proposition me for sex and If I declined they would generally respond with something along the lines of “what do u mean no? You’re a stripper!” It was as if some of these men didn’t see me as human. I was something that could be bought just like milk or bread. I was often told I was a Bitch, a whore, nothing but a piece of ass. The sad thing is, I was ok with that at the time bc in my twisted mind I some how saw it as validation. I definitely think that willingly having subjected myself to that industry made me accept being called such degrading things. I learned to love it and to this day still crave this type of language in the bedroom. Though I know it’s not what heavenly father wants. I’m not a whore or just a piece of meat so y do I desire to be called such things?? I began stripping a month after my 18th birthday and have only recently left that poisonous industry. I struggled with quitting for the past few years, since I knew it was not where the Lord wanted me to be. The fast money, drugs, and the male validation I received from that industry made me feel like a queen. Empowered even. That is untill God opened my eyes to how I was more than a piece of meat to be oggled at. How it was wrong for me to prey on men’s lustful desires. I don’t even know how many men I’ve hurt while I was enslaved to that industry. Houndreds, no thousands. I ask God to forgive me for all the men I’ve hurt along the way. I used to think I was doing them a favor. I would tell myself that I was helping them. I kept them company, kept them from feeling the emptiness that they’d otherwise feel if they weren’t there with me. Some of these men were single, some married and kept it secret from their wife. But most of the men felt unloved and unwanted. They had but an empty home to go to. I felt happy to know I was making someone else happy. Even if it was only for a night. But I wasn’t TRULY making them happy. In fact I was making it worse. Because the fulfillment and validation they sought, I wasn’t created to provide for them. Only God can provide these things. I know God can clean my heart. But I just feel alone sometimes. Like I’m the only woman that craves this empty sex. I feel like I can’t relate to other women. I don’t know I just really want help or suggestions as to how I can retrain my mind to desire that sacred oneness of intimacy. Any suggestions would be helpful and appreciated
Hey Lydia. First of all, let me say how very brave you are to share your story here. Thank you for honoring us this way.
I don’t think you are alone in this at all. I’m a counselor, and I’m just going to say that the history you’ve shared here suggests to me that there’s a great deal of personal pain in your background. The early onset of masturbation, the escalation into being sexually active at a young age, moving on into the sex industry–all of these are red flags to me that there’s unresolved pain driving the behaviors here.
My counseling theory suggests that we get hurt in relationships, and we get healed in relationships. I think you need some truly healing relationships in your life.
I don’t know where you live, but many major metropolitan areas have support groups for women leaving the sex industry. I live in Dallas, and we’ve got a wonderful ministry here called New Friends, New Life that offers a wide range of services and support to women who need them. I think if you contacted New Friends, New Life–no matter where you live–they’d be able to help you find support in your area.
Another place you can look specificially for support is personal counseling. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist might be a good fit for you. You can also check the directory at the American Association of Christian Counselors for a counselor in your area.
You might also find good support at meetings like Sex Addicts Anonymous.
One of my good friends has a story very similar to yours, and I know these are the things that have helped her be clean and sober for 28 years.
Blessings on your healing journey, Kay
First of all, I appreciate this and other web sites/blogs for even addressing this subject at all. Try bringing this subject up with the church, and it’s usually awkward silence.
However, this comment made my eyes roll a bit:
“Talk to women struggling with pornography, and a majority will tell you it is emotional. Somehow, in some twisted way, pornography has provided a sense of community. ”
While I appreciate you qualifying this with “majority,” it nonetheless reminds me that I’m in an even greater minority of minorities: I was into porn because I like the male body. All this emotional talk, community talk…that’s all so stereotypical. That isn’t the drive for me at all. I like looking at good-looking guys who are in good shape. I like looking at them without clothes.
It’s really hard to find Christian women who will admit to this. I have found some more worldly women who admit to it, but the minute a Christian woman does, people are in disbelief. “Women don’t look at men in that way!” “Women are only into porn for emotional/community reasons.”
No, no, no!
I am not a victim of “sexual abuse.” Actually, men seldom expressed interest in me, and this made me frustrated as an adolescent. The moment I found a guy who liked me in that way, and I liked him in “that” way, we went at it our first date.
I can’t find Christian women who will admit to admiring men physically. It’s almost like heterosexual lust doesn’t exist among Christian women, except for me. I have found maybe a handful of Christian women who have admitted to it on some form of social media. Their comments are always met with silence.
I find this…very frustrating.
This was a bit of a rant, admittedly. But I felt compelled to get it out.
I’m wondering if I should start my own resource on that aspect of the subject. Surely I’m not one of only a handful of Christian women in the whole world who struggles with it?
I wonder…
Hey Khendra, thanks for sharing.
I do think there is a real tendency to say men=lust, women=relationship. I think it’s part of the myth of “boys will be boys” and the idea that “men are just wired up this way; they can’t help it.” Also, I think if we admitted that women were broadly capable of lust, then we’d have to talk about why it’s been okay for football players to wear leggings since the dawn of time, but women who just started to wear leggings last year are tempting men to sin… We’d have to have the modesty talk with boys instead of just with girls… but I digress :)
I don’t think you’re the only one. I just think it hasn’t been culturally acceptable to admit it, especially within Christian circles.
Speak, sister, and you’ll find your crew who need you!
Blessings, Kay
Hi,I’m 19 now and I’ve been struggling with porn since I was 12 and I’ve been masturbating since when I was about 6 or 7 years old. Then I didn’t know it was masturbation,just thought it was having fun cos it was done with some of my friends around before I started caving in and doing it separately. I came across porn in junior secondary school on a website and since then its been hell braking loose from this addiction as it only got worse and worse . I’ve tried to stop and I can’t,tried talking to one of my female friends once about my masturbation issue but it didn’t help as she made me feel dirty and the help she offered couldn’t do anything to help me stop. Sometimes I’d stop but sometimes I just fall back. I’m now in the university and I’m a leader in my fellowship, I just can’t help it…its hurting me bad and its hurting my relationship with God. Just when I think it’s the last I always fall back,I tried talking to my fellowship president once about the masturbation addiction he was nice and prayed with me. But I still fell. Please I need help,I can’t continue in life like this,I don’t know anyone I can trust that can help me,please help me,please I’m tired of all this . I’m tired of saying I’m sorry to God.
Hi Christabel. It sounds like you really need to talk to a live person and process through what’s happening for you. I’d suggest some sessions a personal counselor, or a group like Celebrate Recovery or online at xxxChurch. You can also find a number of online resources for women listed here. God is never tired of you. His love never runs out. He’s always comforting you and caring for you, even when you’re failing and falling. Blessings, Kay