Pastors and Porn – Question #1: “Should I confess my struggle to other church leaders?”

Many of us as church leaders have growing sexual struggles. Our private life underneath does not match what we portray on the outside. Then the question arises, “Should I share my sexual struggles with my church leaders?”

The short answer is: “yes.” The better answer is: “yes, but wisely.”

Let’s consider some key issues involved with sharing sexual struggles with church leadership.

An Atmosphere of Authenticity

Don’t we long for authentic relationships? Wouldn’t we like to be in a place where we can be totally honest with others and feel safe? Don’t we want our churches to be places where people can come with their messy lives and be accepted?

We talk about the church being a “hospital for sinners,” but do we really believe that? If that were true, anyone—even pastors could share their struggles and still be accepted.

This may not be the case with your church. It is not the case with a lot of churches. Churches say that they want an authentic, real, open, honest community. We encourage authenticity from our pulpits and preach the value of it. But that would mean that even a person with sexual struggles would be able to come and share.

Question #1: Do You Value Authenticity? You may not practice it, but do you want to be authentic? This is a heart issue. If you don’t want to be authentic, you are further down the path of destruction than you think. The rest of this article may not be a help to you.

Valuing authenticity means that you value the truth. You see being truthful as better than lying.

Question #2: Do You Have a Place You Can be Authentic? Most people would say “no” here. We have not cultivated relationships where we can be ourselves. We have a lot of shallow relationships. Or we have moderately authentic relationships with people, but have not shared our junk. We may not even have an authentic relationship with our spouses.

Here’s my challenge: If you value authenticity, you must find a safe place where you can be authentic.

Paralyzed by My Fears

I found out the hard way when I let my fears keep me from sharing my struggles.

I had a problem with lust, fantasy and masturbation since Jr. High. I brought it into my marriage. When the Internet came to our house, I started having struggles with looking at porn sites. I confessed my sin to my wife a couple of times, got some accountability and counseling for a while, and then thought the problem was fixed.

In the middle of a successful ministry in the Northeast, I worked at a place that had an unprotected computer. I did fine for a while and thought there was no way it would become a problem. Eventually, it did. I confessed to my boss and to my wife that I had trouble on the work computer. My boss said if it happened again I was fired. My wife said if it happens again, our ministry here is done. Fine, right? That should be motivation enough, shouldn’t it?

Eventually, I slipped up on the work computer. This time I felt trapped. I didn’t want to lose my job or my ministry, so I decided to hide my behavior. I had an accountability partner that told me I should keep it to myself and just work on it privately. Later I went to a counselor who told me that my boss and wife were overreacting (bad counsel by the way). I started lying to my boss when he would ask if I had any more struggles. I also lied to my wife when she would ask me. And I started pulling away from anyone that might get close to my life. I covered my tracks.

My behaviors didn’t get any better. I couldn’t control them. I would have a couple of days of purity on the computer, but would go right back to looking at porn. My porn searches became progressively worse.
I started to believe that the best thing for my family and church was for me to hide it and lie. Deep down I knew that that was not true, but I was regularly ignoring the voice of God on this matter. I was becoming numb to God’s Spirit, and paralyzed by my fears.

Did I get so bad that I had to confess? No. I kept hiding my secret. I eventually left that job and thought I had outsmarted God and everybody.

God knew the path I was headed on was destructive and I was getting worse. It was a sweep of the office computer that eventually uncovered my Internet pornfest. My boss and a fellow pastor staged an intervention.

God found me out. God pulled the plug on me. I had a growing secret that was forced out into the Light. And the consequences were greater for me because I had continually covered up and not taken the initiative to get help.

The Truth Must Be Shared

The only way to get better is to begin being authentic and truthful. We are worried about losing our reputation, our jobs and our marriages. But how will our situations ever get better without transparency? The longer we wait, the greater the carnage.

Sharing the truth is hard. Sharing the truth takes great courage. But it is the right thing to do. We know that God wants us to be truthful.

Sharing the truth may mean great consequence for you and others. We may lose our ministries, our friends, trust, respect, and reputations. If one of us is doing something illegal, it may mean serious legal consequences. But we have to be brave. Ask God for the courage to share the truth. Lean on Him. Trust Him.

Sharing the truth is the only way to stop it. Our sexual behaviors spin us out of control. We get in a vicious, addictive cycle and grow worse. We have to bring our secrets into the Light. That’s the only way we can truly get better.

Who Do You Share With First?

Exercise wisdom in how you begin sharing your struggles.

If you are taking the initiative and are ready to share, here is a suggestion for the order. Each step will help you to be courageous, gather support, and give you wisdom about the next step.

If we share in an unwise way, a lot more damage can be done. If we have been holding onto secrets, we are probably not in the best frame of mind to do it all alone. God has provided several levels of wise people around you that can help you with the process.

1. Talk with someone safe first – a counselor, another pastor, a trusted friend. If you can’t find a counselor in your area with whom you feel safe, call ministries like Focus on the Family, Heart to Heart Ministries, Pure Life Ministries, or Be Broken Ministries.

2. You need to share with your spouse – The closest person in your circle will need to know what’s going on. God has given you a spouse to help you. Your spouse may not be a safe person to share with, and that’s why you need to share with a counselor first. A counselor can help you know how to share with your spouse.

3. Denominational leaders / Mentors – The next in your authority chain is probably your denominational leaders, or at least spiritual mentors. If you are going to share with your church leaders, you need the perspective of other wise people. Denominational leaders have probably already assisted other ministers with sexual struggles. They might even have specific training on the matter. They will be able to give you guidance on how to share with your church leaders.

4. Legal Counsel – If you have victimized someone or done something illegal, you will want to get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer is not to help you hide or craft a defense. Lawyers can be help you to be wise about how to proceed if you have broken the law or victimized someone.

How Do You Share With Your Church Leaders?

When my wife and I met with the leaders of our church plant, I shared what had happened. I shared how my struggles had a long history and how they had escalated recently. I shared about my cover-up and the intervention. I shared the advice of my mentors and I sought the forgiveness and prayers of my leaders.

One mistake we made: We decided to share the details with our church leaders, but not tell the church members that we were having marital problems. It seemed good at the time, but it put our leaders in a difficult position with the church of not sharing some things. It paved the way for rumors of what “really” happened. It also indirectly taught our church leaders that certain things are too bad to be shared in this community. It taught them there was a limit to authenticity.

1. Share with your “inner circle” of leaders first – A general rule of thumb is, “The leaders closest to you need to hear it first.” If you don’t have an “inner circle” of elders, deacons, or counsel in your church, have the leaders all gathered together. But if your church is structured with several circles, start with the leaders who are closest to you. They don’t need to be blindsided by a huge announcement. You owe them your time, and they can be some of your biggest supporters to help with the other steps.

Ask your “inner circle” to be at all subsequent meetings. Ask them to keep the information in confidentiality until you share with all of your church leaders.

2. Share privately with your leaders as a group – You need to have a private meeting with those in your larger leadership circle. Don’t share individually. Every leader needs to hear the same story. Your “inner circle” needs to be at this meeting.

3. Share humbly – You are not there to defend your behavior or minimize it. You recognize that you have a secret and you need help. You have struggles that cannot be handled alone, and you need their assistance.

4. Share the evolution of the problem and the basics – Your leaders need to know how your struggles began and grew. They need to know how deep it got. They probably don’t need every detail, but you need to share how this came about.

5. Answer questions truthfully – It may be hard, but your leaders make ask you some tough questions. You owe it to them to be truthful. If you have already shared the details with “safe people,” you will be better prepared for the additional question from your leaders.

6. Be prepared for some “lash out” – You can’t control how people react to sin. Sexual sin to many is a “more grievous type of sin.” Your leaders may be shocked and angry. You need to listen, take it, and not be defensive. The best chance for your leaders to get behind you is for you to take a humble posture.

7. Ask for forgiveness – This may seem obvious, but you have sinned against them. You have broken their trust in you, and wronged them.

8. It would helpful to have a denominational leader or mentor there with you – If you have a denominational elder who can be there, he can help guide the process. He can be an advisor for what the church needs to do next. He can be a support for you in this difficult process.

Encouragement to Share

Sharing the truth about your struggles with your leaders is a hard thing. But it is the right thing. To be an effective minister for the long run, you can’t hold on to sexual sin. It’s too powerful, and it won’t go away. Be brave. Be strong in the Lord. Take courage. Do the right thing.