On behalf of myself and the other husbands addicted to porn, I am sorry. We have given your place to another and it is wrong. You knew some men struggle with this; you just didn’t think it would be your man. There are no justifications for our actions. We try to justify, but these are only excuses.
I am sorry we’ve blamed you for our addiction. Instead of owning our actions, we have gotten defensive and angry. In time we may realize how far away this is from the truth. You’re not to blame. It is not your fault. We chose to turn away from you and God to follow the lust of our hearts.
I know this is painful for you. The person who stood before many people and professed his faithful love at the altar has betrayed your marriage through porn, lust, and lying. You did nothing to deserve this behavior, no matter what he tells you.
We lied, thinking we were protecting you from a situation we couldn’t handle on our own. Always thinking we’d get clean, we just needed a little more time. But the lies still hurt and the problem still grew–and damaged–like a cancer.
I am so sorry for how you found out. Maybe it was expected, but you really didn’t think it was this bad. And when he told you, or more likely, when you found out–he turned it back on you. He started talking about your sex life or your appearance or something else—anything else—to distract you from his sins.
Even our confession is a double-edged sword. We feel better, but you feel worse, because now you know. Our burden is lifted, and we act as if we did something great in telling you. However, you just got buried by our garbage.
You are shattered and bleeding from a thousand cuts—and then we ask, “What’s wrong.” We are blind to the pain we caused you. How many times have you stood by us when we were hurting? Why can’t we do the same for you?
And while you try to recover from this, we get impatient.
- Why are we still talking about this?
- Why don’t you trust me?
- When are you going to let me off the hook?
- How much am I going to have to suffer?
- Aren’t you over that yet? I said I was sorry.
It hasn’t even been a week or a month, but we want you to get over it, because we are still concerned with our image. We don’t like looking bad. We tell you to see the good in us and stop focusing on the parts we don’t like. And if you don’t get over it according to our time table we make subtle threats as if to say, “If you don’t get over this soon, I may have to turn to other women again.”
We have abused you through our actions. We have made you doubt who you are. We have turned your reality upside down and made it all seem like your fault.
If any other man had treated my wife the way I did, I would have hurt him—I would have hurt him badly. But I did disastrous things to cover my sin and protect my image.
In the midst of this, you feel like you should have known. The questions haunt you: “How could I not know? What did I miss?” You are being crushed under a weight of questions and self-doubts with little hope of relief.
In some ways, it is even crazier than before we confessed. So we give the ultimate slap in the face, “I guess I shouldn’t have told you!” again making you wrong for your reaction, proving we’ve missed the whole point of confession—of healthy love.
And when you take the risk to ask us how we are doing in our sobriety, we get more defensive and impatient. You don’t know if you have a right to ask. You are being told, “You just have to trust me,” even though we haven’t done anything to rebuild your trust.
And you shouldn’t trust us. Our actions have shown you in big bold letters, “We are not safe.”
Yet many of you carry the weight alone, afraid to tell anyone what you’re going through. “What will they think?” and “How will they treat me?” loom over you like a black cloud.
We’ve done things no one would believe if you told them. Or will they just stare at you, with a hand covering their mouth, thinking:
- How can you stand it?
- Why did you stay?
- Are you that stupid?
- What’s wrong with you?
And you really don’t know why you are staying. Sane people wouldn’t stay to deal with the insanity of contradicting confessions and denials.
I also want to apologize for those other people who have told you, “It’s no big deal. All guys watch porn,” or “Boys will be boys!” It is a big deal. We made you a promise. We told you we would have no one other than you. But we did, maybe in the physical form of an affair or just through our lust over women in porn.
It may be difficult for you to hear my apology over all the voices telling you it is your fault. I know my wife heard it from pastors, counselors, and therapists how she should have more sex with me or have more faith in God. They never sat with her in the pain of my betrayal. Even though they were well-meaning, many of them had no idea how to respond without blaming her indirectly. I am so very sorry. We have become a tool in the hand of the enemy to destroy you, our marriage, and our family. We thought we were better men than this, but the truth is we are selfish beyond reason. You deserve to be treated so much better.
I am sorry for how long this process will take. It will take years to undo this damage, and you will continue to have doubts. It’s not fair. At times, you will feel like all of the cards are stacked against you. Many of the resources available to you will tell you how you’re co-(something), another way of saying you’re to blame.
You will work really hard to fix things, to heal yourself. It will feel like pushing a boulder uphill: really difficult work with the constant fear it will roll over you on the way back down.
I cannot apologize enough for what we’ve put you through. We lied to you. We gave into our lust and replaced you in our hearts. We dumped all of our sins on top of you. We blamed you for our actions. You, our beloved brides, are victims of terrible betrayals. My words aren’t nearly enough to express the sorrow I have for our actions–our choices.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for what we have done.
Thank you.
I really needed this today! My husband and I have been together for 20 yrs. I realized early on that he was a porn addict, but was of course told all the lies that are typical. He has lengths of time of being clean, so I think, because I so much wanted to believe and trust him. He is not physically abusive but certainly emotionally and is the very essence of a narssicist. He has had emotional affairs in the past and hides and stashes spare cell phones to watch porn. He is a gaslighter as after catching him in the act 2 days ago, he has some how, yet again, has convinced me that it is my fault. We are in our late 40s and it has started to affect our sex life, not to mention that we are parents to a 2 yr old. He has admitted that he was still in love with his 1st wife and these are the type of woman that he watches. I am totally crushed and feel so betrayed, worthless, fat and absolutely unwanted. Logically I know that I hold no blame in this and that I am not ugly, but I feel so betrayed by the man I am supposed to trust and should have my back! I see all the comments and am so grateful that I am not alone!
Thank you for saying things that I will never hear from my husband!
It sounds like it’s time to really think about healthy boundaries with your husband. Here, here, and here are some articles to get you started. You’re not required to be abused, or a slave to anybody’s sin. Peace, Kay
My husband has been and is still verbally and some what physical with me. He use to hit me a lot and I would have to fight back and when I fought back he’d charge at me like bull. He is a manipulative narcissist whom is very much so addicted to porn. He no longer hides it. I seen his phone this morning and it has tons of naked women and many of them are different ways of how men portray a woman and it makes me sick! When I confront him, he gets angry and turns the anger ok me that I am insecure and I am sick and that I am the one that needs to be helped not him! And see his whole family think that it is okay for a man to look at and have porn on their phones! His so-called friends send him naked pictures all the time! He even has a WhatsApp group chat based on girl’s. The group is called “Rickys”, what ever that means.. I don’t know! I have been with him since I was 15 now I am 31 and from that time up until now I am finally bit by bit am breaking out of his master spell he had on me from when I was a girl. He is very wise at many things, he portrays himself as a man whom loves his family. He has many fooled. He plays my king and that I am his one and only. But behind closed doors he is a beast of wicked evil! I find myself at war with him all the time. He even attacks my children. He is the father but acts like a bully. I really do hate him! I ask, God to forgive me but I won’t be at peace until I leave him! I think once I do leave my heart will be whole again and then I ask God for forgiveness! Cutting this short I’d like to thank you, for this letter of acknowledging the fact that some men can and do want5 to be saved… But as of right now my spouse was raised in that manner so to him he is sane and believes it to be normal!
Elizabeth, you are not required to be abused, verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, or in any other way. (Here is a short animation that discusses various types of abuse.) God does not need to “forgive” you for removing yourself from abuse. In fact, God will celebrate with you when you remove yourself from an abuser! God loves you. God wants you to be treated in a way that reflects his love for you, and your value and worth as a human being. Marriage is NOT a license for men to abuse women, with God’s approval. NEVER. You are not a slave to sin, not even your husband’s sin. Here’s a wonderful article entitles, A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. I hope it helps you live in freedom.
Peace,
Kay
I just got caught and I feel horrible beyond words my wife is the most beautiful honest and loving women I have ever met and I am going to do whatever it takes to not look at porn or even masterbate at that. I lied that I wasn’t doing this for a long time because I didn’t want to hurt her. Now I feel like she Deserves way better. I still love her with all my heart and some, this was very embarrassing and I think that is what makes it hard to fix, I just going to be open and honest and if she can forgive me I will try to give her the world like I had promised in the beginning.
Hey Dustin,
In addition, find a therapist for yourself who can help you through from good intentions to healthy reality. Here and here are a couple of directories to check for someone in your area.
Peace,
Kay
Dustin,
Please understand while quitting porn is a good start, the next important step is rebuilding trust. Guys I work with tell me this is the hardest part of the work they did to heal their marriages.
While it isn’t easy, I can tell you from personal experience it is the most fulfilling thing I ever did.
Jay
I wanted to thank you for this. Not only for the apology to the community but to your own wife.
My husband and I have been walking this journey for 6 years, some together, mostly alone. About a month ago he apologized for the first time, ever. I was praising God and things seemed to be turning around.
I am proud of my husband he has only had three lapse days in about two months (it was happening 8 times a day everyday). Anyways last Friday was one of those days, I still was hurting, and then I saw his search history. My heart exploded. I try to constantly make sense of this addiction that makes no sense to me.
I tried to bring up how I felt and like normal he got easily angered and slowly but surely convinced me it was my fault. By hour two of the argument I started thinking he was right…like always. The argument starts with something he did and gets turned around to me. And when I bring it up I am selfish and have no clue what he is going through. He sarcastically calls me “mother Mary”.
I needed this artical today. I needed to hear I was not crazy that i thought he was turning it all around. I love him so much and I am proud of how far he has come, but I think you are absolutely right when you say it can take years before men truly understand what they have done.
Thank you again for owning up for all the men who couldn’t, yet.
Blessings.
Autumn
You are NOT crazy, but it sounds like your husband is prone to gaslighting. I’d encourage you to think about your boundaries: here, here, and here. Peace to you, Kay
Autumn,
I am really sorry you are going through this. Almost every guy I work with responds in similar ways. Agreeing with your pain means he is a monster, at least from his point of view. This is a desperate attempt to minimize how he sees himself. It is a shame thing.
I know this doesn’t help you, but gives you a key to his motivations. Deep down he probably thinks he’s helping, or reducing your pain.
Lori and I talk about this in the ownership portion of our Basics of Rebuilding Trust video series.
What you can do about it is talk from your feelings and not the specific actions, like “When this happens, it hurts…”
Jay
I really needed to read this. I can’t seem to stop hurting over my husband’s betrayal. I want to heal but it’s so hard especially when everyone is telling me he’s just being a normal guy. It is really difficult when nobody understands how it changes my image of myself. People just shrug it off and it stings. It stings that 2 days after I married this man he watched porn. I just can’t believe him. He lies to my face about that and so many other things all the time. I’m falling apart and I really appreciate this post because it made me feel less alone. It still saddens me to my core that he continuously has done it knowing how it makes me feel.
Hi Skylar,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. If your husband is still lying to you, and not willing to do his own work on his own behavior, then I would advise you to consider what healthy boundaries should look like, given the reality of your situation. Here, here, and here are some articles that might be helpful. You might also like to check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. You are NOT required to live your life with lies! You are allowed to choose freedom and life and hope, regardless of what your husband decides.
Peace to you, Kay
I understand exactly what your saying. Less than a year after my husband and I got married I started finding hookup sites in history which I suspected well actually I knew that he had been reviewing p*** before we got married but after arguing over it several times he swears to me that he won’t do it again.but still to this day about every six months when he accidentally leaves his phone in the bedroom if I pick it up and push the little square that will pull up all the recent pages I’ll find a p*** site or some different hookup sites still open. We are both 31 and I know I put on some weight which he tells me he loves every bit of it but we only have sex maybe once every other week and it’s the same routine every time
we’re both on medication that says over time it could possibly decrease your sex drive it definitely hasn’t mine which of course I’m 31 so I’m in the prime age to where I want to have sex all the time like a 16 year old boy he on the other hand says he must have low testosterone yet he works his ass off so I know that he doesn’t have low testosterone because if he did he wouldnt have that kind of energy at work. I know it’s porn and he won’t admit it he tells me every time I find the trash on his phone that it’s my fault because I went looking for problems so I even said hey well let’s make some for ourselves and put it online and make some money I think that’d be awesome but he acted like I was crazy I really think I’m losing my mind I’m depressed of course my self-esteem has drop to the floor even though I know in my heart that I’m gorgeous and I shouldn’t not his fault get me down on myself but how am I supposed to help it.Just thought I’d share I don’t have anybody to talk to about this I don’t want to do it going on so long that I know it’s a problem because he’s just that kind of person he doesn’t just do something in moderation if he enjoys it he indulges and we’re both addicts in recovery trying anywaysI just had to get that out to somebody cuz he won’t talk to me I don’t work I don’t really have any friends so there’s nothing I can really do other than stay and deal with it and tell him decides he wants to face his demons
Well, it sounds like you know the truth of what’s going on, even though he denies it. I would say he’s gaslighting you here. If you’re an addict in recovery, you know that your job is to be responsible for your own healthy boundaries and not the other person’s behaviors. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. Whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. His demons don’t have to ruin your life. Peace to you, Kay
Thank you for this Jay! Its exactly right! I’ve been married almost 31 years now. I first found dvds in my husbands car trunk 20 something years ago. He lied then and said they belonged to his best friend. That he didn’t want his wife finding them. I believed him. After that I got suspicious every time I would walk into the bonus room late at night he seemed to change the channel. He sat up late all the time watching TV. He denied anything when I asked him about it. Years later I found porn dvds in the trunk again. He didn’t deny it. I was crushed! He said it crushed him seeing the hurt he caused me. He said he had struggled with it for years since he was a teenager. He assured me he wouldn’t do it again and we destroyed the dvds. I believed him! Again late nights made me wonder about what he was watching. Two years ago I looked at his phone and discovered he had been messaging women, texting a young lady younger than our daughter. Actually appearing to chase her. I was devastated again! I confronted him and he assured me that nothing happened that she was a good girl and wouldn’t do that. That he had only been talking to her but again he was devastated that I was so upset and promised that he would stop! I was torn to pieces. At that time I was 45 in the best shape of my life. We had been doing Crossfit. I felt great! The only reason I added that is because now I have gained 40 pounds. My self esteem has tanked. I don’t feel like doing or pursing anything. I feel worthless and like I will never be enough. Because if he will do that when I look like that what will he do now. Well this past summer I got suspicious again and started being nosy. He had an extra laptop from work that was old and not inventoried that he used. I started digging. I found out that he had been on tons of porn sites. He had been contacting prostitutes. He actually joined Plenty of Fish dating website and was trying to hook up with ladies. Oh my! I was completely crushed this time. I cannot even explain how my heart, my self esteem and everything was crushed. I hesitated for a bit before I confronted him. Then one day I did. He denied it. Told me I was crazy! Continued to deny it. He would lie to my face while all of this was going on. He would call me “Baby Girl” and be sweet on the phone and the next thing he would be on the internet talking to women according to the times noted. He finally admitted it when I wouldn’t drop it. When I questioned him more he told me that he had had an affair for 6 years earlier in our marriage. Again I was crushed! I love my husband! He says he loves me and wants to work it out. Everyone thinks we are a perfect couple. We used to be so involved in church for years while our daughter was at home. We lead youth and taught Sunday School. He hasn’t been in the past several years. I went for a while alone but have since stopped going. We are in the middle of building a house. All of this came out in the middle of it. He refuses to get help. He won’t talk to anyone. All of what your letter says is him! He says he will handle it on his own. That he doesn’t need help. That I need to just trust him. I can’t even! I am dying inside and can’t talk to him because he gets so upset at me. I want to make it work. I know people would think I am crazy. I do love him but honestly if he continues I just can’t see how I can take it. I am so torn and distraught I don’t know what to do!
Hi Nita,
First of all, you need to trust yourself. You know what’s been going on with your husband all these years. You KNOW. Believe yourself. Trust yourself.
When you’re holding the evidence in your hands, and he tells you you’re crazy, that is called gaslighting. It’s a form of mental and emotional abuse.
We trust people who are trustworthy. And we know that people are trustworthy when they show us trustworthy behavior over time. Your husband has done the exact opposite. He has been completely untrustworthy over time. You might want to make it work, but he just does whatever he wants.
That’s a harsh reality to face, but it’s reality.
Find yourself a therapist who can help you process through all this and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. Here is an article on when divorce, the final boundary, is a good option.
Find a group to support you. Check out the online resources at Bloom.
You don’t have to be a slave to your husband’s sin. Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
Thank You :)
I was in a Long Distance with my Husband for 6 Years. We we’re both going to College back then and we barely see each other, maybe like every after 3 years. When I found out about his 2 years ago he told me that he is not the first Husband who is addicted to porn and I am not the first wife to feel what I’m feeling. When I seek a consult with a Therapist she told me that it was normal for him to be like that because of being far away from each other. I took a beating from the thoughts inside my head, everybody seems to say that it’s okay but why do I feel that it’s not? That it’s ruining our Marriage. He have seen me wailing and crying. Asking him why I am not enough. I got to blame for not understanding what he is going through. But nobody asked me what I’m going through. We’ve been Married for 2 years (2015) and that’s when I found out about the addiction and until now he relapses. He tell me lies. And our friends and families are blaming me for not being okay right away, for not giving him more chances. They would tell me why would I get mad when in fact it’s not having physically involved anyway. So thank you for this letter. I am alone in this fight. Nobody supports what I feel and what I’m allowed to feel so Thank you for this letter. I was crying reading this bec it felt like coming from a person who totally understands what Im going through.
Hi Ren,
Of course you are allowed to choose for yourself what is healthy for you in a relationship. You are never required to put up with behaviors that are unhealthy! Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. And here’s one from The Gottman Institute on why they, as a secular organization, are against the use of pornography.
my husband chose porn and internet affairs over his marriage. lied and denied to the end. he also fits every description i’ve seen of malignant narcissism. i was a baby Christian when we married and didn’t know how unequally yoked we really were. he hid behind being a pk. sometimes i still feel old, ugly, unlovable, and somehow deserving of mistreatment even though i know these are lies of the enemy and don’t come from God.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered. I’m also extremely grateful that you’ve been able to recognize the realities, as painful as they are, and I’m glad that you’re out of that toxic situation. Thank you for being so courageous, and thank you for sharing your story with us here. I pray that your roots will continue to grow down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love, and that you’ll know how long, how high, how wide, and how deep that love is for you, so that you’ll be filled full of every goodness, overflowing with justice and mercy into the lives of those around you. Peace to you, Kay