On behalf of myself and the other husbands addicted to porn, I am sorry. We have given your place to another and it is wrong. You knew some men struggle with this; you just didn’t think it would be your man. There are no justifications for our actions. We try to justify, but these are only excuses.
I am sorry we’ve blamed you for our addiction. Instead of owning our actions, we have gotten defensive and angry. In time we may realize how far away this is from the truth. You’re not to blame. It is not your fault. We chose to turn away from you and God to follow the lust of our hearts.
I know this is painful for you. The person who stood before many people and professed his faithful love at the altar has betrayed your marriage through porn, lust, and lying. You did nothing to deserve this behavior, no matter what he tells you.
We lied, thinking we were protecting you from a situation we couldn’t handle on our own. Always thinking we’d get clean, we just needed a little more time. But the lies still hurt and the problem still grew–and damaged–like a cancer.
I am so sorry for how you found out. Maybe it was expected, but you really didn’t think it was this bad. And when he told you, or more likely, when you found out–he turned it back on you. He started talking about your sex life or your appearance or something else—anything else—to distract you from his sins.
Even our confession is a double-edged sword. We feel better, but you feel worse, because now you know. Our burden is lifted, and we act as if we did something great in telling you. However, you just got buried by our garbage.
You are shattered and bleeding from a thousand cuts—and then we ask, “What’s wrong.” We are blind to the pain we caused you. How many times have you stood by us when we were hurting? Why can’t we do the same for you?
And while you try to recover from this, we get impatient.
- Why are we still talking about this?
- Why don’t you trust me?
- When are you going to let me off the hook?
- How much am I going to have to suffer?
- Aren’t you over that yet? I said I was sorry.
It hasn’t even been a week or a month, but we want you to get over it, because we are still concerned with our image. We don’t like looking bad. We tell you to see the good in us and stop focusing on the parts we don’t like. And if you don’t get over it according to our time table we make subtle threats as if to say, “If you don’t get over this soon, I may have to turn to other women again.”
We have abused you through our actions. We have made you doubt who you are. We have turned your reality upside down and made it all seem like your fault.
If any other man had treated my wife the way I did, I would have hurt him—I would have hurt him badly. But I did disastrous things to cover my sin and protect my image.
In the midst of this, you feel like you should have known. The questions haunt you: “How could I not know? What did I miss?” You are being crushed under a weight of questions and self-doubts with little hope of relief.
In some ways, it is even crazier than before we confessed. So we give the ultimate slap in the face, “I guess I shouldn’t have told you!” again making you wrong for your reaction, proving we’ve missed the whole point of confession—of healthy love.
And when you take the risk to ask us how we are doing in our sobriety, we get more defensive and impatient. You don’t know if you have a right to ask. You are being told, “You just have to trust me,” even though we haven’t done anything to rebuild your trust.
And you shouldn’t trust us. Our actions have shown you in big bold letters, “We are not safe.”
Yet many of you carry the weight alone, afraid to tell anyone what you’re going through. “What will they think?” and “How will they treat me?” loom over you like a black cloud.
We’ve done things no one would believe if you told them. Or will they just stare at you, with a hand covering their mouth, thinking:
- How can you stand it?
- Why did you stay?
- Are you that stupid?
- What’s wrong with you?
And you really don’t know why you are staying. Sane people wouldn’t stay to deal with the insanity of contradicting confessions and denials.
I also want to apologize for those other people who have told you, “It’s no big deal. All guys watch porn,” or “Boys will be boys!” It is a big deal. We made you a promise. We told you we would have no one other than you. But we did, maybe in the physical form of an affair or just through our lust over women in porn.
It may be difficult for you to hear my apology over all the voices telling you it is your fault. I know my wife heard it from pastors, counselors, and therapists how she should have more sex with me or have more faith in God. They never sat with her in the pain of my betrayal. Even though they were well-meaning, many of them had no idea how to respond without blaming her indirectly. I am so very sorry. We have become a tool in the hand of the enemy to destroy you, our marriage, and our family. We thought we were better men than this, but the truth is we are selfish beyond reason. You deserve to be treated so much better.
I am sorry for how long this process will take. It will take years to undo this damage, and you will continue to have doubts. It’s not fair. At times, you will feel like all of the cards are stacked against you. Many of the resources available to you will tell you how you’re co-(something), another way of saying you’re to blame.
You will work really hard to fix things, to heal yourself. It will feel like pushing a boulder uphill: really difficult work with the constant fear it will roll over you on the way back down.
I cannot apologize enough for what we’ve put you through. We lied to you. We gave into our lust and replaced you in our hearts. We dumped all of our sins on top of you. We blamed you for our actions. You, our beloved brides, are victims of terrible betrayals. My words aren’t nearly enough to express the sorrow I have for our actions–our choices.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for what we have done.
Wow. I broke up with the true love of my life over 25 years ago because of his porn addiction & the deceit that went with it. He could look me right in the eyes & lie to me. Destroyed me inside. I felt like I wasn’t enough & never could be. I went on to marry a guy whom I didn’t love anywhere near as deeply, but figured I’d never be good enough to get anyone that I did. It’s THAT damaging to a woman. Feels like being cheated on with multiple women…like ANY woman was better (I saw the pictures he looked at, & the range of their physical appearance was unbelievable). Now I’m more than 2 decades into a marriage where I’m disrespected & devalued in many other ways. Can’t help but think it has a lot to do with how devalued I felt after the end of the porn addict relationship. Now I feel too old to hope for better, incredibly depressed & downtrodden. I always wonder if I should’ve stuck it out, but your article & the comments of those above lead me to believe that I probably never would’ve won. I guess I made the right choice to leave, but I can honestly say that porn destroyed my adult life.
I am so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered. I wonder if you’ve ever had therapy for the trauma you went through? Peace to you, Kay
I think you’re over reacting because of your lies.
No ome belongs to someone, we are free to come and go.
Oh, yes, but what about family?
No lies first, family after.
Dont get me wrong, its a heatful letter, but its for liers.
Sexual desires are part of you, some have less and some have more.
No judgement there.
Commitment to love and respect is all we need, love all and respect different genders and habbits,
If you desire with truthfulnes and respect there is no suffering, just acceptance.
Please lets grow.
Thank you and good night.
I have spent four years now battling finding out how to get over what my husband’s porn addiction cost me personally, as well as our marriage. The devastation, intense pain and lonely despair it has caused me has, at times, made me seriously believe suicide would be a better answer than being alive being so disappointing in so many ways to my husband and family now while recovering from this type of betrayal.
I have read countless articles trying to both “self-help” and send information to my husband in hopes that he would sincerely “get the message” and become the man I need him to be now for me. Nothing has worked. No conversation has worked long-term. Sometimes, not even the same day. And, nothing has quite hit the nail on the head of being able to explain how I truly feel now as a person after his betrayal. Until now…
Thank you, Jay, for all you wrote herein. THANK YOU. While, I wish it was my husband who said all of this- every last word exactly, it was at least stated at one point by someone who is truly remorseful and isn’t afraid to state or show that to the entire world if need be. I have tremendous respect for that.
I am not sure that after seeing every behavior, and hearing every one of the words you mentioned happens with this above in my own husband – and believe me, even more than you stated, that he is truly remorseful as I am still going through all these with him to this day four years later. I feel like I need to let him go so I don’t go through this anymore with someone who will still make excuses to be like this to me. I stayed because I vowed to love him in good and bad, and I feel like if I leave I would just be protecting myself from further pain instead of honoring my vow to love him unconditionally. But, it is so so hard. And, I truly am on my last straw with trying. I have no esteem and strength left. None. I feel beyond worthless now.
Your words here though have made me feel like at least there is somebody out there who gets me and what I am going through with such precision it brought me to tears. Some were tears of shame of who I am now and that there are people out there who know people like me exist. Some tears were for hope that someone truly understands and doesn’t think I’m crazy, or immature, or vindictive or only acting hurt but not really hurt, whiny, or impossible to please for how who and how I am and what I want now. Mostly, I wept with gratitude.
I feel like I deserve a husband like you. But, I live with someone who makes me feel I don’t (often even says I don’t). I’m not sure what to do about it. But, your words make me KNOW it’s not impossible for a man to feel like this for his wife and have this kind of insight and attitude for himself as well as her, too. SO…….
Thank you! Thank you more than I can ever possibly say. GOD has truly blessed you. And, I see it and appreciate it in you immensely.
Stephani, I hope you’ll find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and think about healthy boundaries. As you’ve learned, there’s no way to change another person; the only person we can be responsible for is ourselves. No matter what your husband chooses, no matter what happens in the relationship, or if the marriage even survives, YOU can choose to be healthy and well. Peace to you, Kay
Stephani,
I am sorry you are going through this. Please reach out to me or my wife Lori here we have been working with several couples since this article posted. Some of the men were resistant at first but after working with Lori, the wives convinced the husbands to reach out to me. Not sure if this will work every time, but Lori is great at helping in this situation.
This comment will not make it past moderation. My link to the Bas Rjiksen video was entirely apropos. Since you obviously have no interest in different points of view but only in statements that reinforce what the writer says, I will infer from that a complete lack of reasonableness on the part of you and your editorial staff. No comments will be made in the future. I will leave your hermetically sealed intellectual bubble intact. I consider the open letter gratuitous moral grandstanding, white nighting, and virtue signaling. Behavioristic accountability methods either work for both men and women or work for neither. Do not advocate accountability unless you are willing to set up groups for women as well. Otherwise, it is misandrist hypocrisy.
Mitch, my apologies for not addressing your comment sooner. You left 24 hours between your original post and this one where you express distrust in our moderation process, which isn’t very much time, but nonetheless, I hope you will see my comment about the Bas Rijksen video. I thought his insights were informative and helpful. I appreciate you sharing it. Covenant Eyes fully recognizes that there are women who struggle with porn addiction. Our lack of resources for women who struggle is not implying that we don’t appreciate the fact that women struggle, any more than Garnier’s use of women in their shampoo commercials implies that men don’t need to wash their hair. Jay’s particular speciality is working with addicted and post-addicted men. Dirty Girls Ministry is a wonderful resource for porn addicted women. I hope this information is helpful for you and you feel willing to continue commenting on our content.
Peace, Chris
Jay, You are a hero to the men to help them see the excuses, and lies, and the deceit, listened too from the enemy, and then the covering up, trying to palm it off as nothing. You have done something most women need; validation of the betrayal they have encountered. Well done for writing this letter. I am not a married man, so this doesn’t apply to me in relationship with a partner, but does give me a perspective of preparedness, of which I will have no excuse once I do find a wife. This does, however, apply in my relationship with Heavenly Father. What excuses, lies, deceit and cover-ups do we put forth?
I would challenge, with respect, any woman who reads my comment, not just Jay, to write a letter that mirrors this of women who have betrayed men because of their addiction to porn. We seem to somehow always make this a one-sided situation, and I believe the honesty of women needs to come forth.
Men have copped a lot of attack, and yes men have been wrong, but let’s be real here and see this from the other side; the side of men having been betrayed.
I have this one question: Why do women get caught in the trap of porn? What is the real excuse?
Thankyou for reading. Shane
My husband was doing so much better. As far as I know, he hadn’t “slipped” in months and I had hoped beyond hope that it was over. He’s just gotten a new job and is away from us until our 4th child is born and we can all move to a different state together. Just found out he’s been lying to me and his accountability partner about his continued addiction. I’m going through this grieving process all over again. After nine years of marriage, part of me just wants to call it quits. I’m so broken-hearted….again.
I am so, so sorry. I think you need to find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and think about healthy boundaries. A group would also be a good source of support, and you might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay
I have been so broken.Like hard to breath.
My husband is a pastor.
He has deeply hurt me.
The Lord directed me to his cell phone around 4 am.
He had a deleted his history. Then I asked myself why??
I woke him.Four days of pulling it out if him.
I am wounded. I am emotionally raw.
He chose these videos and images for weeks at a time.And got caught.
He a month later said he knows after all these years he was never born again.All out friends and family are shocked by his porn.Its as if mother Teresa would do this…too much to digest.
I’ve fallen into God’s arms for his mercy and grace. I’m worn and vulnerable. I believe I’m disgusting and can’t even look at myself, for feeling shame and guilt. Even if he did this.
The eyes I called beautiful, that I once trusted.Now knowledge if them on countess porn.Is an image of his eyes fixated on beautiful perfect bodies. I will never compare.Suddenly I feel embarrassed of even my good traits. And ashamed of ever feeling beautiful. Because I was NEVER enough…
I am so, so sorry, Jeanette. There are so very many men in ministry with these same habits, and so many women suffering these same feelings. I say that not to minimize what you’re experiencing, but to confirm with you that you are NOT alone. And also to thank you for being courageous enough to write these words, because so many women in your situation feel trapped into silence by the ministry and the church. Thank you for speaking the truth.
I want you to find a counselor, just for you. Someone who can help you process these emotions and create healthy boundaries. You might look for a group in your area for further support. And there are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women that should be helpful as you recover and heal.
I hope that as the shock wears off, you will realize that you are the precious, valuable, beloved image-bearer that you’ve always been. Your husband may not have been able to see that all the time, but God does. He sees you, he knows you, he loves you, and that love will never let you go. You are enough, just as you are. That has always been true and always will be true. Breathe through this pain, and find the truth again: you are loved, you are safe, you are chosen. Nothing separates you from Love. Nothing. Not even this pain. Love is here for you, every minute.
Peace to you,
Kay
Jeanette,
There are no words to help you deal with the pain. I know my wife and I both would sit with you in this pain.
Please reach out to Lori on https://pornpainhealed.com
Oh yes!
“Ashamed of ever feeling beautiful”
That is so true and I’m not sure why I never could put that into words as you did.
My son is a porn addict. Where can I get help/info to deal with it as a mother. He is going to a support group but I need help to deal with my emotions and how his addiction and behaviour is affecting me. It is painful in a different way.
I would suggest finding a counselor who can help you process through your emotions and work on healthy boundaries between your son and yourself. You might want to read up on Boundaries with Teens by Townsend.
Thank you, very insightful. It helps to know that it’s normal for there to be blame and mention of an unsatisfied sex life. It is going to be extremely hard moving forward after a comment that has hurt and embarrassed me deeply.
I am so sorry for the painful comment you received. I have made some myself, eventually my wife worked through them.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Lori, taught me what she needed and helps other women to find the same path. Please reach out to her. lori@pornpainhealed.com. Watch her interview on the Covenant Eyes Facebook page. She was interview back on March 1, 2017.
I can remember the first time I discovered his issue. I worked full time and was trying to finish my nursing degree during night classes, in 1991. During those years the men would circulate VHS tapes I sat down exhausted from work , college and raising an infant and toddler…the red light on the VCR was on then I pulled out the tape and discovered His issue. Decades went by the hurts continued the pain became unbearable and eventually bitterness turned to hate then abuse. We divorced at 24 years yet I never forgave myself I carried all the pain and blame. There were months of no affection and a horrible night of abuse led me to my own issues…. and I left. I hit rock bottom my pain was so severe I wanted to take responsibility for it all. God was calling me and I opened my Bible It took months for God to heal me I forgave my husband and begged him to allow our family a second chance with God. We remarried on our 25th anniversary. Unfortunately his Issues still crept in. Now I just discovered he’s had problems for 5 years with ED of which I again thought it was my fault we hardly ever was intimate. Yet the few times we were he’s been borrowing viagra from friends. After God entered into my life I realized these truly are His issues not mine. I’m free of self inflicting pain caused by others. I forgive him but I no longer have to forgive me… it was his issues from the time he was a teenager and the consequences are ours to overcome.
I am so sorry to hear this for you. And why are you still blaming yourself? Please get out of what is an mentally abusive relationship. He borrows viagra?. That’s because porn addiction leads to ED. Get out !your now blaming yourself again, I’m so sad for you. Forgiveness is a must for you, but keeping him around is NOT.