On behalf of myself and the other husbands addicted to porn, I am sorry. We have given your place to another and it is wrong. You knew some men struggle with this; you just didn’t think it would be your man. There are no justifications for our actions. We try to justify, but these are only excuses.
I am sorry we’ve blamed you for our addiction. Instead of owning our actions, we have gotten defensive and angry. In time we may realize how far away this is from the truth. You’re not to blame. It is not your fault. We chose to turn away from you and God to follow the lust of our hearts.
I know this is painful for you. The person who stood before many people and professed his faithful love at the altar has betrayed your marriage through porn, lust, and lying. You did nothing to deserve this behavior, no matter what he tells you.
We lied, thinking we were protecting you from a situation we couldn’t handle on our own. Always thinking we’d get clean, we just needed a little more time. But the lies still hurt and the problem still grew–and damaged–like a cancer.
I am so sorry for how you found out. Maybe it was expected, but you really didn’t think it was this bad. And when he told you, or more likely, when you found out–he turned it back on you. He started talking about your sex life or your appearance or something else—anything else—to distract you from his sins.
Even our confession is a double-edged sword. We feel better, but you feel worse, because now you know. Our burden is lifted, and we act as if we did something great in telling you. However, you just got buried by our garbage.
You are shattered and bleeding from a thousand cuts—and then we ask, “What’s wrong.” We are blind to the pain we caused you. How many times have you stood by us when we were hurting? Why can’t we do the same for you?
And while you try to recover from this, we get impatient.
- Why are we still talking about this?
- Why don’t you trust me?
- When are you going to let me off the hook?
- How much am I going to have to suffer?
- Aren’t you over that yet? I said I was sorry.
It hasn’t even been a week or a month, but we want you to get over it, because we are still concerned with our image. We don’t like looking bad. We tell you to see the good in us and stop focusing on the parts we don’t like. And if you don’t get over it according to our time table we make subtle threats as if to say, “If you don’t get over this soon, I may have to turn to other women again.”
We have abused you through our actions. We have made you doubt who you are. We have turned your reality upside down and made it all seem like your fault.
If any other man had treated my wife the way I did, I would have hurt him—I would have hurt him badly. But I did disastrous things to cover my sin and protect my image.
In the midst of this, you feel like you should have known. The questions haunt you: “How could I not know? What did I miss?” You are being crushed under a weight of questions and self-doubts with little hope of relief.
In some ways, it is even crazier than before we confessed. So we give the ultimate slap in the face, “I guess I shouldn’t have told you!” again making you wrong for your reaction, proving we’ve missed the whole point of confession—of healthy love.
And when you take the risk to ask us how we are doing in our sobriety, we get more defensive and impatient. You don’t know if you have a right to ask. You are being told, “You just have to trust me,” even though we haven’t done anything to rebuild your trust.
And you shouldn’t trust us. Our actions have shown you in big bold letters, “We are not safe.”
Yet many of you carry the weight alone, afraid to tell anyone what you’re going through. “What will they think?” and “How will they treat me?” loom over you like a black cloud.
We’ve done things no one would believe if you told them. Or will they just stare at you, with a hand covering their mouth, thinking:
- How can you stand it?
- Why did you stay?
- Are you that stupid?
- What’s wrong with you?
And you really don’t know why you are staying. Sane people wouldn’t stay to deal with the insanity of contradicting confessions and denials.
I also want to apologize for those other people who have told you, “It’s no big deal. All guys watch porn,” or “Boys will be boys!” It is a big deal. We made you a promise. We told you we would have no one other than you. But we did, maybe in the physical form of an affair or just through our lust over women in porn.
It may be difficult for you to hear my apology over all the voices telling you it is your fault. I know my wife heard it from pastors, counselors, and therapists how she should have more sex with me or have more faith in God. They never sat with her in the pain of my betrayal. Even though they were well-meaning, many of them had no idea how to respond without blaming her indirectly. I am so very sorry. We have become a tool in the hand of the enemy to destroy you, our marriage, and our family. We thought we were better men than this, but the truth is we are selfish beyond reason. You deserve to be treated so much better.
I am sorry for how long this process will take. It will take years to undo this damage, and you will continue to have doubts. It’s not fair. At times, you will feel like all of the cards are stacked against you. Many of the resources available to you will tell you how you’re co-(something), another way of saying you’re to blame.
You will work really hard to fix things, to heal yourself. It will feel like pushing a boulder uphill: really difficult work with the constant fear it will roll over you on the way back down.
I cannot apologize enough for what we’ve put you through. We lied to you. We gave into our lust and replaced you in our hearts. We dumped all of our sins on top of you. We blamed you for our actions. You, our beloved brides, are victims of terrible betrayals. My words aren’t nearly enough to express the sorrow I have for our actions–our choices.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for what we have done.
THANK YOU for giving me a tiny bit of hope in the darkness. It’s been over a year since I found out (this time) and there is so much more that I don’t know that he hid and lied about through the years and he still won’t call a counselor or read the 10 books I bought about this. There is always an excuse, yet he ALWAYS found time for them, or should I say him. Even not coming home to help with children when I was only sleeping 3 hours a day acting as a single mother while he “traveled/worked” or when I was pre laboring with our baby and supposed to be bed resting. The health of me or his children didn’t compare to them. They were always more important! We can’t even turn on the tv, walk in a grocery store or go to the park and watch our children play their sport without being triggered. Yet they act as if nothing is wrong and there is no problem any more. While most of us can’t go to a meeting or read a help book without it swaying to his side giving glorious details as to why he couldn’t control his lust for them. Esencially telling us why they are so much better than us. Why this is really jist our fault. The world seems to look at us like we arr the problem, he’s just a man. There is no escape for us. I know, it’s been almost 20 years since he became an adult and gained access to the adult world. I was there the entire time, just not worth it. However we are the real adults, the real women that raise the families (the ones having to teach our little boys how to be real men since our husbands can’t lead by example or teach them) the women that hide and clean up your messes without so much as a glimmer of respect. Just resentment and blame. Thank you for acknowledging us. No matter how much we give (everything and then some) our men always want more. Men are no longer the men we saw in the generations before us. They are objectifying cowards, pathetic leaders, instant gratification seeking selfish little boys. They say it’s because they can’t deal with what life has thrown their way and they need to escape. Well if we can deal with life, work, family etc. and all their mess without ever getting an escape from it then it should be easy for them. We chose to stay and deal. It is a CHOICE to make, they just always choose them. I fear for all our daughters that already deal with the little boys watching porn in our public classrooms. Being compared to fake digitally enhanced objects instead of being seen for their own Godly beauty. Begging parents for vaginoplasties and breast augmentation because they think something is wrong with them. All because porn is teaching the next generations of men that “that” is beautiful. No wonder the super bug STD’s and ED have come into play, maybe it’s God’s way of survival of the fittest. Maybe he is weeding out the sinners, since they can’t seem to help themselves. They can’t choose to be a part of a real life because reality isn’t good enough to them. I thought my generation had it rough from the “curiosity of the internet” as I was told. Now with the instant gratification only a second away or a new downloaded App I’m afraid all hope is lost. I pray for a better future but over the last 20 years I’ve just seen it getting worse. Thank you for listening as this is the first time I’ve spoken up (sorry it was so long) and been heard. Thank you for reminding us that they broke their vow. For admitting that we are the ones damaged and left behind. Thank you for acknowledging us as the ones being mistreated and disrespected since the world doesn’t. We need to change that for the next generations sake.
Just reading your comments it’s wonderful to finally read some truth on how women feel. I have a long story but the farther of my children addicted to porn, admitted he would get me to take both children as babies to the supermarket so he could make time for this habit. This one comment has killed me inside. I think of the years I spent rallying around struggling he wouldn’t help clean or anything I work full time and brought up our children and he found time for that! I found out about his 8 year addiction possibly longer, 4 months ago and the sad thing is we can’t financially afford to spilt…. I know it’s joint but we have a hefty mortgage, he had his fancy cars and I am trapped in four walls of heavey regret, resentment and no logical explaination of why or how he did it for so long. I’m stupid and all I want to do is punish him by sleeping with someone but then I feel like I dirty myself. Heartbroken depressed I don’t know what I am anymore, I see the apparent success of a beautiful home and lovely children but I feel such failure and do not know why I put myself through it all! what did I get….what was all my hard work for…. I simply have lost the way and don’t see what it’s all for any longer…..I got here but I’m unhappy and I can’t get over what he’s done but I’m being held by responsibility of my children I could just crawl under a rock and die happily.
Hi Michelle,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. There really is no “logical” explanation for your husband’s behavior. For most men, it’s toxic masculinity, being taught to deny, repress, and ignore their emotions (“big boys don’t cry”) in combination with being taught that they will inevitably act out sexually (“boys will be boys”). The internet provides the perfect place for them to go with any discomfort they may feel.
You’re not stupid. You are not a failure. This is what culture–including and sometimes especially church culture–teaches men. At the same time, women are taught that it is all our fault, and if we were just sexy enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, whatever enough, “he” wouldn’t have these problems. This is what every single abusive system teaches: victim blaming.
The user/abuser doesn’t take responsibility, the victim takes all the blame.
In order for real healing to happen, the user/abuser needs to take responsibility for himself, and the victim needs to reject the blame and ALSO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HERSELF WITH GOOD, HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think about healthy boundaries.
You may not be able to leave the relationship at this point, but you CAN have healthy boundaries. You can get a therapist just for you, someone who can help you process your pain and support you in your healthy boundaries. You can find a group just for you. You can access the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole for yourself and your children.
Peace to you,
Kay
Thank for your confirmation, Jay. Yes, Pain that Hurts and Changes us
Does one need to go daily to a prostitution, just because it’s next to his house? — Porn pop-up Pest?? Why infected & addicted, instead of Immunity? — How far is it from off-line to live (cam/ real)? from addiction to STD? — just 1 click far? or just 1 thought far (~1/1000sec)? — Healthy mind, healthy body — What ever reason/ justifying, black & black (cheating & lying/rage scenes) won’t make white:
– It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe/ situation, that lures him to evil ways – Buddha
– When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive (and move on) – N. Mandela
– Be the change you wish to see in the world – M.Gandhi
Thank you so much for completely understanding how I feel. I didn’t get that from my husband. I got the blame. Am still getting the blame and don’t know what to do but your letter has given me hope. And that is something else I never had before now so thank you
Wow, I am touched by the impact this had on you. I hope you will get to read my response. You are not to blame for his actions, no matter how convincing he sounds. Please reach out to me or my wife, Lori, and we will equip you for what you are going through.
I do understand that blame game. It’s all my fault he does it. And 21/2 hrs a day in morning alone on sex related content . As well as getting caught in conversation on porn sights. Really makes you feel down , Ugly , not good enough, crazy , snappy wondering what he’s doing at all times as well as wanting to follow them to bathroom. Constant worry and paranoid. Drains you emotionally and physically. Trying to build trust is hard. And saying I don’t let things go and move on hurts too.
I really appreciate the time and effort you took to write this article. It is filled with an incredible amount of truth for the betrayed. Unfortunately I went through so much of what you described. Two things that were very difficult for me to deal with was the lying that distorts your reality and causes you to doubt your own reality and who you are. And the other are the flaming arrows of friends and family while your hit with one of the most painful betrayals in life. You can see how easy it would be for some women to pretend it’s not happening and not seek help when they are faced with taking so many hits for trying to face this cancer head on. I was thankful for the encouragement I received when I finally reached out for help from people who truly got it and understand. It was affirming to just have the courage to make the call be acknowledged. So much to work through and many people to forgive. I’ve learned so much and am thankful for all the ways God has worked in my life, marriage and family. He is more powerful and bigger than porn!!!
thank you for this
Very powerful. Every word of it reflects what I have experienced as a wife. Thank you.
I am very sorry to hear you have gone through this. I hope you have found some healing from this in your life. Thanks for you comments.
I’m going through this he has been caught once again third time and promise this time conversing with these women of what he wants to do with and to them we’ve been married 26 years and every time he calls me stupid for being upset because all guys do it … I’m completely confused and heart broken thinking about letting him suffer a bit by leaving……
When your husband tells you that you are stupid for being upset, and that all guys do it, that is called GASLIGHTING. Here’s a short animation that helps explain.
You may indeed choose to leave someone who treats you this way. That’s a healthy boundary that many women choose in cases like this.
Peace to you,
Kay
Thank you !!!!
Even after a couple years we still need to hear it.
What you are writing in your letter is what I would have liked to hear from my partner. I knew for a year now that he was addicted and he promised he would stop. But what I found out just a day ago, I don’t know how to handle. He is addicted to gay porn. When I confronted him he just said its something he always watched but he is not gay . And he insists that it does not have anything to do with him not beeing able to have a normal connection to me. I know he loves me. But he wants me just to forget it and to continue normally and he promised he will stop. He is in denial and I feel numb and shocked.
I am devastated and don’t know how to handle this.
Hi Christina,
I would say it’s time for you to consider your boundaries. Is this okay with you? And if not, what are your options? Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think through this question.
He has to take responsibility for himself. You can’t do this for him. If he’s serious about his pornography habit, he can find a therapist for himself through the CSAT directory. Given the content of his habit, he’s probably got other issues he needs to explore regarding his sexuality, whether he’s able to admit that to himself and you at this point or not. Whatever he chooses to do, though, you can make healthy choices for yourself.
I would encourage you to find a therapist just for yourself, someone who can help you process this and support your healthy boundaries. You will also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Peace to you,
Kay
Wow, thank you so very much. You have no idea what a breath of fresh air that is in the crazy making messages from the addict AND the recovery counselors and books. I might just print it and read it daily to help keep my sanity. Thanks!
You are very welcome. It took us a long time to find the right approach to help others and knowing the trauma model has really been a God send. My wife, Lori, has put together a list for women to see if they need outside help you can read it here: https://pornpainhealed.com/17-signs-you-need-extra-help/
Wow!!!! This article hit spot on! After my addiction was first brought to the light, it took me years before I was ready to really repent. I did the justifying, excusing, blaming, and lying game. I made my wife feel like she was crazy, and she took a beating from others who she reached out for help who judged her and blamed her for being part of the problem. Thankfully, I was practically dragged into professional counseling which opened up my eyes to my denial and which helped to release my shame so I could move forward. Also, thankfully, the counseling program we went to (with Affair recovery) knew not to blame the spouse and guided us to build empathy, safety, and intimacy back into the relationship. Our marriage is flourishing after 3 years of hard work, so know that there is hope!
I am really glad you and your spouse found healing. It is possible, but can be very hard depending on the approach.
As you said, there are well meaning people who do more damage to the spouse and the situation. My wife, Lori, does work to help the spouse as well. Her site is a good place to start: pornpainhealed.com.
Thanks for your comment and willingness to share.
Thank you Jay. For your boldness to confront your sins and share hope with us. For saying words I always wanted to hear but never did. For giving validity top all the wives who dream of hearing these words that they are possible and THIS is what repentance looks like. Thank you.
Amy,
I know in some ways this may feel like “too little, too late”. But I wanted to offer some words of healing. There is not enough being done to help our spouses heal and I am grateful that Covenant Eyes gave me the opportunity to send this out.
Thank you soooo ok very much for this. I can’t even explain to you how much these words meant as I read them.
Thank you Jay , oh how I would love to hear these words from my husband , but he yells at me ,” this again ? I told you I’m not doing that anymore so drop it !”, twice he threw his lap top and twice he has thrown the tv remote , gives me the silent treatment … He did not log out of what he had been watching once & our 11 yr old daughter saw things she can’t unsee and has been wetting the bed since & is now 14 . One night we all sat down together and she was able to tell her how it mafe her feel and see him differently , & to this day will not hug him goodnight or allow a kiss on the cheek . Still , he changes the tv when I enter the bedroom or starts mashing buttons on his phone . Once , he left his phone in the car with her and she looked at his pictures and there were pictures of women he didn’t even know , wearing skimpy outfits ,& to that , she tells me , he ain’t changed !
You acknowledged every single feeling ive had for the last 5 years ive been through. I just caught my partner again. I cant do it anymore. He expects me to stay and support him because this time is different. I am completely destroyed after 5 years of this. You said everything i wish he would have said. Thank you
Here is a wonderful article entitled A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. So necessary in our times! Peace to you, and healing, Kay
Jay it’s a horrible way to live. The isolation from my husband. He can’t seem to stay away . I hate it. It takes over our love that we have for each other.
I haven’t had intimacy w him in about 12 years.
Hey Betty,
I hope you’ve got good support as you deal with this pain. A therapist can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Groups are great, too. And there’s online support at Bloom for Women.
Peace,
Kay
Thank you for this. Thank you a lot. Until my man is ready to say it, it helps a lot to know there are men who already have and are choosing to do whatever it takes to be sober. Reading this brought tears. I’ve just shared this with several friends in similar situation and they responded the same. May God bless you as you continue to help your brothers get and stay free, and give encouragement and hope to us wives.
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear, but from the wrong man. I pray that God will continue to bless you and use you to help others facing this terrible addiction. This was incredibly well written. I had to intermittently read this to prevent myself from falling apart.
God Bless
Ive known my fiancé has struggled with porn, but never understood just how bad it was. We’ve been arguing about porn on and off for four years. Every time I found out, he would admit to only part of the problem after I would ask him multiple times. Finally this week he told me the whole truth. He was watching porn just about every day, going to the bathroom to watch porn while we were sitting down watching movies with our child. I feel as though the last three years, i have been manipulated and lied to. I feel embarrassed, i don’t know what to say to my friends and family. We have a son together, we’re planning a wedding. My heart feels like it is being pulled in two different directions. Do I stay and go through the hardships of rebuilding trust or do I let go of the pain and finally allow myself to move on? This post helped quiet some of the self-degrading thoughts i’ve been having. Even though my fiancé says it isn’t my fault, it’s hard to believe him when I feel so betrayed.
Hey Natalie.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through, and I think this is a very important turning point in the relationship. The real question is not so much about your rebuilding of trust, until this question is answered: will your fiance do the work that he needs to do? You can only trust a person who is trustworthy, and trust is built by trustworthy behavior over time. Of course you don’t trust him now: he has not been trustworthy. And trust is not your problem to solve at this point: it is his problem to solve. He needs to be trustworthy.
It truly is NOT your fault, but as women we are conditioned to be the fault-bearers. He needs to do his work: get his internet filtered and blocked, find accountability, go to groups, go to therapy. Then you can consider the state of the relationship and whether you can rebuild.
I would encourage you to find a counselor, find a group, and check out the online resources at Bloom for Women, for your own healing and support. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful as well. No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Thank you for posting this and for being so honest. I need some very serious help with this. I just found out a three days ago about the porn, the lies to cover it up, the HUGE amount of money spent and just the flat out betrayal of breaking his promises to love me and take care of me. Not to mention he has a horrible job and barely even works. He is pretty much a dead beat. And he let ME, the one with horrible chronic pain and very serious spinal issues, go to work every day all day long to support the family while he was home watching porn at a pricey $15 dollars a pop. I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING…
Dana, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing on so many levels. Many women in situations like yours will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, I always recommend that women find support and help for themselve, regardless of what their husbands choose to do. Find a therapist who can help you process and create healthy boundaries (here, here, and here are some articles), find a support group for yourself, access the online resources at Bloom for Women. Take care of you, no matter what. Peace, Kay
Thank you. I need that. I’m so hurt right now. Overwhelmed is an understatement.
I appreciate you saying all this and I’m assuming that the women that this is for is perfect.
I wrote this down word for word. I to want to sincerely thank you for the words most men won’t or don’t say. I’m just now starting this healing process of 8 yrs worth of lies. Right now Im having trouble knowing its going to take a long process to get me where I need to be and prayful my husband can touch me with an apologie like you having been blessed with learning yourself. Thank you!! God bless you and your family. You certainly touched my heart!!
Mine is still blaming me,we are divorced and he still telling the towns people me,he through me out in the cold,I sleep in my car,for 60 days,it is hurting me mentally, and physically, I even think of suicide dailey,he turned my kids against me,thank you for the letter it was very kind,will it ever stop
I am so, so sorry for the abuse your ex is putting you through. I would encourage you to find a domestic abuse shelter in your area, and seek support there. A shelter will be able to provide therapy for the trauma you’ve suffered, and are still suffering. A shelter will also be able to help you with legal counsel for the rights he is violating. Sending peace and love to you, Kay
I would like to hear my husband say even a little bit of this. I told him that he never said he was sorry or apologized for his “habit” and he just stared at me like “what for”. Thank you Jay. Your wife is blessed to have you.
My husband masturbates in the morning and at night and watches porn while doing so it does it right out in the open where I can see it it makes me sick to my stomach I don’t understand he has no respect for me or my things I feel so disrespected all the time what can I do
Carolyn,
It sounds like it’s time for you to think about your boundaries. Your body is clearly telling you (sick to your stomach) that what’s going on here is not okay with you. You may not be able to control your husband’s choices, but you can certainly control your own. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should be helpful. I think you ought to find a professional counselor, just for you, someone who can help you process what’s going on and what your options are. You may also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Kay