When I first met George he said he always wanted to find a woman who loved Jesus more than she’d love him. He doted over the fact that I fit that criteria. I was so in love with Jesus back then, nothing could shake me. Or so I thought.
My relationship with Jesus was based on emotions. And when I moved to PA with George, the church we went to felt like walking into a lonely basement. I felt so disconnected. His mom hated me, and made that very clear from day one. All of these things weighed on me and deadened my emotions, which made my relationship with Jesus suffer. George and I became more and more physical before we married. I started getting drunk on occasion. I loved the party life, and going to clubs where he sang as a lead singer for his band. I loved that life.
My emotions died and were replaced with empty life. Until it all came crashing down. George always told me he’d never looked at porn since he met me, but I found out otherwise. And he continued to lie even after I found out… which killed me.
I completely shut down. My emotions were dead. Spiritually I felt dead. Mentally, exasperated. I had nothing and Jesus felt as distant as Saturn. Because I pushed Him away. And I replaced Him with George.
There, at the top of my life, sat George. He doted over the fact that I loved Jesus more than Him. But I didn’t. And my love for Jesus changed with the sway of the breeze. So did my love for George. I was a nervous wreck, an insecure, bitter, depressed, lonely wife who thought the only escape was divorce. But I had a baby. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents, but I wanted to stay home with my baby.
I was so lost. Every road seemed to be a dead end.
I actually hated God at some points for what He did to me.
Until I realized that He never did anything. I left God. I betrayed Him for the love of my husband. I created a god out of my husband and let my Father standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to Him. He reached out His hand, but I pushed Him away, saying He “felt” too distant.
I couldn’t feel anymore.
But then I said “Yes” to Jesus, even when I couldn’t feel it. And since that day I’ve grown closer and closer. My insecurities vanished the day I finally committed to keep Jesus number 1 and make my husband number 2. My joy returned, regardless of my fluctuating emotions, the day I chose Jesus over my husband. And yes, George has made some mistakes since then, and wow… my reactions have changed 100%.
Because I have actually started to live out the beauty of loving Jesus more than my husband.
The amazing thing about this… is that I love my husband in a way I never could before. When I made him an idol and allowed him to affect my security and contentment and validate my worth… I pushed God out of the way and didn’t even love my husband like I could through God’s love, through keeping God Number 1. I loved George through selfishness. I loved him conditionally. I was only faithful to the point that he was faithful. I was revengeful, sad, and annoyingly insecure.
Now, Jesus is number 1. And I love my husband so much more than I ever could before. I love him like God loved me when I betrayed Him.
I’m so glad George is no longer an idol in my life. And I encourage you to search out your life and heart and find out if you are giving your husband a place in your life he doesn’t deserve. If so, no matter how dead you feel inside, allow God to regain His role in your life. And watch how beautiful the storms become.
For more information:
- Read more of Ashley’s blog posts.
- Please visit our page of resources for wives of porn addicts.
I’m so glad I came across this article. I am 31, single and have been thinking about marriage for as long as I can remember. I never thought it was an issue but am finally starting to see I am already looking at my future husband as an idol and we aren’t even married. I’ve been so lonely lately and have tried to get my male friends to take me on dates, etc just cuz I want them to want me. It’s becoming a bit obsessive and I find myself getting mad when they don’t want to take me out. I really need to take some time and be in my word and work on my relationship with God :)
I had never thought this way before until today. The theme of the priests ministry at church today was “idols”. This really hit the nail on the head for me and so did this artical. I’m almost 22 married for a year this month. I struggle severely with insecurity, anexity, depression and I always have. I don’t trust men at all and feel as if I never will. My father cheated on my mother when I was 10 and I was the one who found out. He also was addicted to porn and alcohol which I also knew. So today I reflect my feelings of insecurity on my husband and it’s so hard for me to trust at times I just want to say “divorce” but deep down I know it’s not the answer. We had a huge argument a month ago and I said I wanted to leave and go back home but deep down I didn’t mean it and he said he couldn’t love a women who is so insecure which made me turn around and tell him I never really wanted to leave. I am searching for help and today God answered my prayers and opened up a door that I never knew I needed. I didn’t realize how in the past almost three years that I’ve been with my husband that I have been worshiping him so much. I have most definitely put him before God and I feel as if I only live off the love my husband gives me. If for some reason I doubt his love for me I lose it. I have made his love the most important thing in my life and it is so wrong. This is not okay and I know this now. I know in the past my husband looked at porn a lot and I know he did some while we were apart for 6 months when he was away with the airforce. Now I always worry if he is interested in other women or looking at porn. It’s like some days I don’t think our relationship could be more perfect and then all of the sudden I crash. I’m thriving off the perfect love and if its not perfect I self destruct. I need to love God more than anyone else and that is what I plan to do. Thank you for writing this article I really needed it. If you have any suggestions on things I could read that may help I would really appreciate it. God bless
I would like to start my message from wat happened from the beginning of my marriage that has broken me to pieces.
I was married to my husband Gerard in 1997, and after our civil marriage the mum confronted me and said that its better for me to think twice before marriage the son cause he has a lot debts. I was worried and I asked myself why she she or he didn’t talk to me earlier about this. I spoke to my mum and she told me debts are no issue after all every country has their own debts and so an individual its ok as long you both love each other.
After our church wedding I moved in with him and then i realised he was in so much of debts and i took it easy and just prayed about it. I was working in him hometown and moved in with his mum, we could go out to spend time together or if we are abit late, the mum will show anger to us. I need to go home and do all my work and then go to bed. Then I got a job in my hometown 2 hrs away from his hometown, so I stayed with my parents. I was happy with us seeing each other every weekend. Finally I got pregnant. Since i was having morning sickness i went back to his hometown cause he told me to come back and he can’t see me suffering travelling by bus to work. Once Im there, he started coming home late everyday and his attitude changed. a wife instinct is always strong I guess. I started checking hid wallet and i found out he is going out with a pub singer (a filipino), i told my mum in law and she called the girl but she was not in but my mother in law spoke to her friend and said Gerard is married. When he came back he was confronted and he said he is sorry and I accepted him. When I was 8 months pregnant he went to Philippines to visit her ( this I know after reading a letter from her to him, after my delivery). I asked him for divorce and he said he is very sorry and pls forgive him for the last time and for the sake of my daughter I said ok.
After 2 years we bought house and we were prospering and I got pregnant with my second child. Then in the year 2004 we sold our house and bought a bigger house. I stopped him but couldn’t, there was fear in my heart but he insisted. Before we shifted and after selling the present house a sister came and prayed for us
and she said in her prophesy that we will suffer once we move into the new house, even food will be tough for us. That really disturbed me but we shifted and my heart was very heavy. He got transferred to my hometown and visited us every weekend. Later it became lesser and finally I found out he is going out with another woman and in fact staying with her in a house that he rented. She was a muslim and leading a life as husband and wife….they had sex ( he confessed to me recently). Finally when she knew he is married or because she found someone else and she was also GRO in a pub.He was in a great debt and he came home. In the anger I cursed him telling him he is going suffer in life and I also prayed to God that we shd not hv sex if he had commit adultery.(but I didn’t know he had sex with her that time). I spoke to my family pastor and he told me to move back to my hometown and I did. After coming here, we confronted each other and Pastor told us we must let go of the past and not to utter the word DIVORCE anymore. We started together again, by prayers the family came up. He became active in church and I trusted and thank God he is a changed person.
But we never had sex and he avoid sleeping alone with me cause he started having Erectile Dysfunction. I was suffering without sex and started mastubation, and recntly found he was also satisfying himself thru masturbation cause he was shy to sleep with me due to the ED. Guiltiness indulged in me cause Im hooked.
We were facing tremendous debts and God was kind touching hearts to help us and eventually we came out. He was put incharge of migrants students to guide them in faith. In the year 2012 there was student who was pregnant and she need guidance and he was handling her. She was taking advantage on the matter and started calling him as and when she wanted to take her out. Eventually he started lying to me and I notice the attitude change again but I couldn’t confront him cause I had no evidence. This lead to depression and I was diagnosed as a depression patient. I couldn’t talk to him and I hated him, but again by God’s great mercy and love he brought me out of it and gave me the grace to forgive cause he didn’t know things were going off hand. He was very active in church he became a responsible Father and husband but we still never had any sex. The topic was just closed. But I was happy he is with God.
Strated from May last year, when he had his diabetic wound and nearly went into come his attitude changed. He hv frequent arguments. I took care of him but no appreciation. When he was cured he went back to work and debts creeped again uncontrollably again. We were suffering for food and my sadness my kids couldn’t get good food. My salary was the only income. He shows temper to me and kids. He spend late hrs outside and sometimes don’t come back, I will be crying in pain wondering wat happen to him for there will be no reply for the messages and phone calls. In the morning he will come back with the word sorry. Everytime he will tell he is going outstation cause got work but he takes my money to use, and I will give him cause I trusted him. The nite he got admitted for heart attack, he left me in my mum’s plc and actually was spending time with the recent girl. When I found out all these, my heart is broken to million pieces. Im struggling sisters wat hv I done that I deserve all these pains. My kids loved him so much and he took their food money to spend on these women. Each time I try to overcome this pain its like bleeding again. Now his every movement I can’t trust. My mind is occupied 24hrs with this struggle. Everytime he is on whatsapp she is also on whatsapp. There last seen will be the same time. Now he is hit with mild stroke and Im taking care of him. Is my hurt hurting him, is my pain giving him the pain. I don’t know. I can’t pray or face God. I miss God. Im going crazy. Like there’s no feelings in me. I can’t cry at times…Ive cried to much.
I masturbate a lot now days maybe Im lacking of love…I don’t know. Whenever I think of the pain that Ive been thru, especially because I saw the photos of him with her, his gift to her and also his conversation with her that was screen shot with the word I love you Baby from him to her…Im going crazy. Im in bondage I know….Im like a wood now..Ive only anger, resentment and pain within me…I need help……Pls pray for me I don’t want the cares of this world to separated me from the GRace of My God.. Truly Im lost. Sorry I open up too much with you all…Ive no choice I want Spiritual Freedom. Im need of help. Im open for any advise and message..all I need now is God…I miss him.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve been experiencing in your marriage for so long. I think the most important thing at this point is that you find a good, safe person to talk with, someone who can help you process through all these events and emotions, someone who can help you think about what a healthy future might look like. You might find a local therapist or counselor; groups like Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch (online groups), S Anon, or even Al Anon are also great places to find support. Once you start processing that pain and get into a healthier place, I think you’ll be better equipped to deal with the other issues you’re facing, like the masturbation. I would recommend Boundaries in Marriage as a good book that could be helpful to you as well. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experience in recovery from their husband’s sexual addiction. Let me know if those things help, or if you need more suggestions. Blessings, Kay
Hi ladies..Im recently divorced after 24 years of marriage….I was actually friends with the “other” woman….I have made an effort to try and reconcile with my ex this past month..I even confronted the other woman and told her what I was doing…I know in my heart that my ex deeply loves me..but due to infidelity (on both sides) we are both hurt….so much water under the bridge…however…in doing so, I just realized that I made my ex my idol..my god….and so is the other woman..she puts my ex on a pedestal..and he treats her like crap too and blames her for the predicament hes in..So, I am once again full of anxiety, bitterness,sadness and rejection..and for what? A man that wants his cake and eat it too?…I am so sorry for losing sight of Gods love for me..It took 43 years of God waiting patiently for me to open my eyes and let His Grace feel me with peace and happiness.I even text the other woman a link to a website about putting God before your lover….I have no idea why…I guess I just want all of us to be happy….
It sounds like you’ve had to some good realizations about your own motivations in this situation. Certainly idolizing another person never ends well!
Here’s what troubles me as I read through your story here: you’re still engaged with your ex and with his new partner, still somehow trying to straighten things out. Even though he’s with this other woman, after you’ve both had affairs, you’re convinced that he loves you deeply? And you’re sure that she is idolizing him just like you used to?
I’m going to suggest to you that every time you engage with that situation, you’re taking your eyes off the love and grace and peace God has for you, and you’re bowing down to the idol of that relationship once again.
Every time you do that, you can tell, because instead of experiencing the peace of God, you’re full of anxiety, bitterness, sadness, and rejection. Pay attention to those emotions! They’re trying to tell you something important!
For all the insights you’ve had lately–and I think they are great insights–you’re going to have to keep making healthy choices all day, every day, to disengage from that old idol of a relationship and to turn toward the peace and freedom God has for you. Don’t give up! Blessings, Kay
I have been married 59 years in June. We have had children living with us most of our married lives. I have depended on them to meet the needs I had that were not met by my husband. In this past year there have been huge changes in my life where I have been stripped of these people being apart of my life and I have also felt betrayed by them. God has been showing me that they have been idols in my life and I have to let them go and accept the change of it just being my husband and myself. I am so unhappy because all of the problems with my husband are coming to the surface. I feel lonely, unsafe and insecure. After reading your articles, I am believing that my husband is the greatest idol in my life and it is time for me to be brave enough to put God First and to put all my trust in Him since my husband has never been willing and probably unable to meet my needs which can only be met by God. I have thought all these years (ever since I married him) that these needs should have been met by my husband. Before that I was unhappy because my parents didn’t meet my needs. I have always been ashamed of feeling needy and vulnerable. In the past I used alcohol and after becoming a Christian 42 years ago I tuned to food. Now I see when I let go of the food I turned to people as idols and now alone with my husband I have allowed him to be an idol in my life because I have allowed his behavior to have a negative affect on my life all these years. Now that I know this, I go to the Cross daily and make Jesus the Lord of my life. He who the Son sets Free is Free Indeed~
Hey Elaine, Wow. Wow. Wow. Everything you just said here is so incredibly brave and beautiful. I’m in awe of the insight you have into the pain of the shame that’s driven you to look in all these different places to have your needs met. I can’t help but think that this Easter, the phrase “He is Risen Indeed” has a whole new meaning in your life. Because it’s so true, He is risen indeed for all the pain in our hearts, and he is enough for all of it. Blessings to you, Kay
I don’t understand yet if we learn to love God and so only Him, whats the point of having a husband? Why is the boyfriend ir husband there for us if we have God? Is this telling us to have like an affair?
Hi Kelly, I think there’s a difference between loving God “only” and loving God “first.” The very first thing God ever said was “not good” was “it is not good for man to be alone.” We are all here, on purpose, together. But I think this article illustrates how easy it is, when we love another person “first”, we end up sacrificing ourselves in unhealthy ways in order to keep a relationship alive. When we love God “first” and find strength and hope in that, we’re also able to love other people–AND keep ourselves separate with healthy boundaries, making good decisions for ourselves, and releasing relationships that are unhealthy. Does that make sense at all? Let me know what you think. Kay
I feel the exact same way!!! How is it then “the two shall become one” if we are to keep separate lives??? So confused and wonder what the point was in getting married. Just sounds like a bunch of conflicting messages from the Bible. How do I make sense of all this? Yes my husband and I have a history- loyal wife, a husband that cheated but told me after we had two kids so can’t leave without leaving permanent scars on them. Was just healing from this, rebuilding trust and openness by sharing all thoughts, feelings etc. then a (now former) friend pushed him to go on an Emmaus Walk, which promotes not telling about the weekend. I warned him if he wasn’t prepared to spill everything and answer any questions I had, don’t both coming home-I went through this once and never again will there be secrets in our marriage. He says he has told all but I’ve found out otherwise. Its like infidelity all over again. Trying to make it work inspite of all this.
I think keeping separate lives is not the point, but rather each of us being responsible for ourselves within the life we have together. We are two separate people, and we always will be. We each have our own struggles, our own strengths. Best-case scenario in a marriage, as far as I’m concerned, is that we build each other up within the relationship to be the best selves God intends for us to be. You might like to read the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend as you think about what it looks like to be a healthy individual within a relationship. Let me know what you think! Kay
I’m struggling with the exact same thing. I keep hearing “put God first” but how exactly do you do it? Does it mean spending less time with your partner? Or putting more people in your life so it doesn’t look like it’s revolving around him? Aside from praying to God to claim his rightful place in my life, what else do I do?
Hi Grace,
I understand your frustration. Sometimes advice like that can seem super-spiritual, or at least impractical.
I believe it practically starts in the place of prayer and really filling your mind and heart with God’s Word. For most people I know who have the tendency to make their spouse an idol in their life, the answer it about spending more time filling their hearts with what God says about Himself. Over time you begin to rely more and more on Him and you look less and less to others for your sense of identity and ultimate satisfaction.
Wow. I thought I was so alone my husband has been known to watch porn. I feel so sad especially when we are intimate I feel like all he is doing is fantizing about the things he’s seen in the movies I ask if he’s been watching them and he denies it. He’s lied to me on multiple occasions. I feel as if I put God first but really praying for God to show me if I’m not. My marriage is so broken and my biggest prayer is for God to restore our marriage. I feel so insecure and jealous there’s so much more but to much to.type. God is so powerful and I never doubt his power I know he’s able and willing but its his time. Your testimony is a help in faith and a reminder to put God first.
You’re definitely not alone, and there are steps you can take! Check out Porn and Your Husband, if you haven’t already.
Remember too that God loves you and wants to provide for you. When you ask God for bread and fish, he’s not going to give you stones or snakes (Matthew 7)…but the bread and fish may not take the form we expect, or come when or how we expect it. Hold onto the truth that, even as you’re struggling emotionally, “God works all things together for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28).
Your story scares me. So similar to mine except no kids. We’ve been separated for 2 yrs in may. We still talk but now that I’ve fallen head over heels n love with Jesus I do not want my husband back. He’s unrepentant and abusive. Without change I see no hope of reconciliation. Contact with him causes me great anxiety.
I really want to thank you for posting this, because I’m going through a similar situation with someone who was not my husband, but someone who I wanted to be one day.
I thought that a relationship was supposed to be the merging together of two separate entities, and now… Looking back on it, I think my expectations were linked to idolatry. My ex partner’s behaviour had the ability to control my emotions, and it seemed that I was always convincing him to ‘love me more’ or ‘love me harder’ – I think I was insecure because my relationship with God was young. The love and security that I needed to feel, didn’t need to come from him, it needed to come from God. We haven’t spoken for three months and things were left on really bad terms.
My heart tells me that we are supposed to be together, but when we both know a little not more about our shortcomings. I believe that the foundation of our relationship, can be the foundation for a successful marriage, but we need prayer.
Finding myself with the help of God is/has been extremely difficult, but rewarding because I can see that I have the ability to be a Christian woman, but my journey has only just started.
To move forward in the future, I know that I need to forgive him like Christ has forgiven me for so many things, but it’s incredibly challenging.
I kindly ask you to pray for me, as I continue on this journey. Please also pray for growth and maturity in my relationship with my ex partner, so that we can go forward as God intends.
Thank you x