When I first met George he said he always wanted to find a woman who loved Jesus more than she’d love him. He doted over the fact that I fit that criteria. I was so in love with Jesus back then, nothing could shake me. Or so I thought.
My relationship with Jesus was based on emotions. And when I moved to PA with George, the church we went to felt like walking into a lonely basement. I felt so disconnected. His mom hated me, and made that very clear from day one. All of these things weighed on me and deadened my emotions, which made my relationship with Jesus suffer. George and I became more and more physical before we married. I started getting drunk on occasion. I loved the party life, and going to clubs where he sang as a lead singer for his band. I loved that life.
My emotions died and were replaced with empty life. Until it all came crashing down. George always told me he’d never looked at porn since he met me, but I found out otherwise. And he continued to lie even after I found out… which killed me.
I completely shut down. My emotions were dead. Spiritually I felt dead. Mentally, exasperated. I had nothing and Jesus felt as distant as Saturn. Because I pushed Him away. And I replaced Him with George.
There, at the top of my life, sat George. He doted over the fact that I loved Jesus more than Him. But I didn’t. And my love for Jesus changed with the sway of the breeze. So did my love for George. I was a nervous wreck, an insecure, bitter, depressed, lonely wife who thought the only escape was divorce. But I had a baby. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents, but I wanted to stay home with my baby.
I was so lost. Every road seemed to be a dead end.
I actually hated God at some points for what He did to me.
Until I realized that He never did anything. I left God. I betrayed Him for the love of my husband. I created a god out of my husband and let my Father standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to Him. He reached out His hand, but I pushed Him away, saying He “felt” too distant.
I couldn’t feel anymore.
But then I said “Yes” to Jesus, even when I couldn’t feel it. And since that day I’ve grown closer and closer. My insecurities vanished the day I finally committed to keep Jesus number 1 and make my husband number 2. My joy returned, regardless of my fluctuating emotions, the day I chose Jesus over my husband. And yes, George has made some mistakes since then, and wow… my reactions have changed 100%.
Because I have actually started to live out the beauty of loving Jesus more than my husband.
The amazing thing about this… is that I love my husband in a way I never could before. When I made him an idol and allowed him to affect my security and contentment and validate my worth… I pushed God out of the way and didn’t even love my husband like I could through God’s love, through keeping God Number 1. I loved George through selfishness. I loved him conditionally. I was only faithful to the point that he was faithful. I was revengeful, sad, and annoyingly insecure.
Now, Jesus is number 1. And I love my husband so much more than I ever could before. I love him like God loved me when I betrayed Him.
I’m so glad George is no longer an idol in my life. And I encourage you to search out your life and heart and find out if you are giving your husband a place in your life he doesn’t deserve. If so, no matter how dead you feel inside, allow God to regain His role in your life. And watch how beautiful the storms become.
For more information:
- Read more of Ashley’s blog posts.
- Please visit our page of resources for wives of porn addicts.
Recently struggling with this. Not sure if my husband is having an affair but he has pushed me out and tells me he’s not sure if he wants to stay married to me. I had high expectations and he told me he doesn’t think he can be the man I want him to be. I have been seeking all joy and love from him instead of God. Although he says he still loves me but I have so much insecurity because he travels all the time and I feel has been becoming too close to a woman at work. I pray God rebuke my idolatrous love for my husband and rebuke anyone or anything that Satan is using to destroy our home.
Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful as you work out what’s going on in this relationship. You may also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
This is so true. For years I idolized my husband. I had a clinical depression after his second affair. Nevertheless, because of fear, low self esteen and erroneous teaching, I stayed with him. I always wanted my child to have her father. He was a relatively good dad. Now I have been diagnosed with Al Amyloidosis. It’s a rare disease. I believe this may have happened because of emotional stress. I am putting Jesus first in my life.
I got married at 18. My husband was my knight in shining armour but he was really narcissistic. I have spent my years in an emotional roller coaster trying to become one with my husband. He never wanted to become one. I didn’t live in reality. We cannot change other people. God is my First Love now. God really loves us completely. He loves our husbands the same. Women have been fed a bunch of lies. Please hold on to Jesus. No human can take his place. I ask God to take over my life and to forgive me for idolizing my husband. I pray for healing from this disease. I ask God to let me see my grandson grow up. Please pray for me to be healed in the Name of Jesus. PS: if you aren’t married yet and you see red flags or if you are a Christian and he is not, or he isn’t living a Christian life, or he speaks to you mean at times; please don’t be desperate, get away from the situation as fast as you can. Ask God to help you.
I was crying my eyes out for what feels like a lifetime after an argument with my husband. I’m 29 now but felt like the 7 year old girl in me again…feeling so verbally abused, let down & mentally tortured. But like always I wiped my tears picked up my iPad & God lead me to your article. What a blessing. The Lord speaks through your words. After reading your words it’s given me hope. Thank you so much for sharing your experience
Wow! This is so me. I am not married. I am 20 years old. Fallen in love with a guy who is confused about his faith. I haven’t been seeking God as I should. I allow relationships and wanting to get married become an idol in my heart… to the point where I told God I hated him for giving me these emotions.
I always try to find a guy to fill my emptiness with. Become way too impatient to wait for the one God sends so I pick any guy that would give me attention. None of them ever wanted to commit, so I moved on to the next on to the next. A vicious cycle of date after date. Wanting to feel worthy, pretty, loved. Something I haven’t experienced with God. I hate him for not allowing me to experience his love… for not knowing his presence.
The guy I’ve fallen for has told me he can not love me in the way I deserve because he is far too broken. I still chase after him. He has become my idol. I really don’t know how to get out of this cycle.