I’m sorry you are facing your husband’s porn addiction. You may be devastated and feel betrayed. You could be angry, or maybe just confused.
You’re not alone. Every day, thousands of people come to our website looking for help, and many of them are wives just like you. We received this comment from one of our readers:
“This is hard for me, as I have never posted something like this before. But here goes. I have been married since August, 2009, and my husband has been watching porn since. He actually told me before we got married and said it was in the past, and so I decided to trust him. I am completely devastated. I have found out he has been watching and contacting other girls (real and far away fantasy ones) over and over again. I try to forgive him, but his “reformed cleanness” never lasts more than a single month.”
It’s not your fault.
Often, wives blame themselves for not being “enough” for their husbands. They wonder if they could have done something differently.
If you’re wondering that, the answer is a resounding no!
It’s important for you to remember that his porn addiction probably started long before he met you. Chances are good that he started using it when he was a child or teenager. This is especially true if he’s under 40, and therefore grew up with easy access to porn online.
That first look probably gave him a huge rush of emotions, pleasant and unpleasant. He might have felt like he didn’t have anyone to turn to, so he just kept turning to porn again and again. Porn influenced his sexual development, offering endless variety, while simultaneously trapping him in a cycle of fear and shame. It altered his brain the same way addictive drugs do.
At this point, even if he married you with the best intentions of quitting porn, the variety has become so ingrained in his brain that he desires it even when a loving sexual relationship is present. He will need to heal from his porn use—and we’re here to help both of you find that healing.
Understanding Your Husband’s Addiction
Porn addiction is a controversial topic, but it’s helpful to understand how it can affect someone—and how that in turn might affect you. Not everyone who consumes pornography gets addicted to it. But many do.
Cindy shares her story of discovering her husband’s porn addiction:
“I learned that these horrendous actions weren’t because he didn’t love me but because he was unable—or unwilling—to get free from his addiction.”
Most people who struggle with porn addiction share these common characteristics.
Early Childhood Exposure
When someone sees porn as a child—even unintentionally—it can leave a lasting neurological impression. Many people who struggle with pornography addiction as adults can trace it back to an early formative experience. For more, see The Common Reality of Early Porn Exposure.
Children who undergo trauma or abuse are especially vulnerable. Pornography often becomes a means of coping. An adult who struggles with addiction often acts out when experiencing stress, frustration, or other negative emotions.
Long-Term Habitual Use
The more often a person turns to porn, the more it trains their brain to respond to porn and crave it. See our article on Brain Chemicals and Porn: How Porn Affects Your Brain.
Urges or Out of Control Impulses
As someone’s brain is conditioned to turn to porn, they may experience powerful cravings. Many porn addicts describe their urges as something powerful beyond their control—like an itch that must be scratched.
An addict is still responsible for their actions, but they feel helpless to resist. This feeling of helplessness often brings a deep sense of shame and self-reproach. In some cases, a husband may be as upset with himself as his wife is, but he still feels unable to change.
Escalating Behaviors Related to Porn
As porn use changes from a habit to an addiction, it often escalates in extremity. Sometimes, this manifests in the type of porn being consumed. Addicts often seek out increasingly bizarre or deviant forms of pornography. At other times, the escalation occurs in the frequency and occasion of their binges—such as watching porn at work.
Is he addicted?
If your husband is struggling with an addiction, it means recovery will be a journey—for both of you. Here are some key signs that your husband’s pornography use might be an addiction.
1. Your husband has lost interest in sex.
Many porn addicts want lots of sex (see #3), but as the addiction escalates, they often begin to lose interest in their partner. Porn addicts become desensitized to other forms of pleasure—even sexual intercourse—preferring the buzz they get from porn. Not only is their sexual energy tapped, but they begin to prefer the “safe” realm of fantasy over the “risky” real world of intimacy.
2. Your otherwise healthy husband is unable to maintain an erection during sex.
Porn addicts commonly experience porn-induced erectile dysfunction. While there are several medical reasons for ED, for the porn addict the problem is not in the organ, but in the brain. They have conditioned their mind to be turned on only by self-sex and porn images. It is common for addicts to blame their partners for their inability to perform.
In his book The Porn Circuit, Sam Black writes:
“When preparing for real sex, the pornified brain fails to get its dopamine surge and the signal to the penis is too weak to achieve erection. But turn on an Internet device with unlimited pages of novelty, and boom, the plumbing works.”
3. Your husband’s sexual tastes have changed.
On the other end of the spectrum, some men entrenched in porn want to act out their fantasies in the real world. Porn films often pair physical and verbal aggression with sex. This might mean that your husband makes surprising demands during sex—even getting frustrated when you don’t perform to his exact specifications. Some men show a sudden interest in “rough” sex or sexual activities you haven’t discussed and agreed to. Others will begin to show an interest in bondage, fetishes, sadomasochism, group sex, or activities that make you feel belittled and used. These are huge red flags and one of the clear signs of porn addiction.
4. Your husband spends an excessive amount of time online.
A porn user almost always has a dysfunctional relationship with technology—many hours spent online alone, often at odd hours or at times when they should be spending time with their families and friends. He may demand to be left alone with his computer or become irritable if he can’t get online.
5. Your devices’ internet histories are empty.
Check your husband’s web browsers on his phone, laptop, home computer, or tablet. If the internet histories are constantly empty, he may be clearing his history to cover his tracks. The late psychologist Al Cooper wrote that three factors often contribute to an internet porn addiction: affordability (most porn is cheap or free), accessibility (it can be accessed nearly anywhere), and anonymity (no one has to know what you’re doing). He called this the “Triple-A Engine.” The last factor, anonymity, is key. A man’s belief that no one knows where he is going online gives a false sense of security: “What I’m doing online is my own business, and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”
6. Your husband seems emotionally “distant” or withdrawn.
The more a man becomes entrenched in porn, the more he begins to lose interest in real-world relationships, especially with his wife and children. Many men describe it as feeling “numb.”
7. Your husband seems more antisocial.
Like any addict, a porn addict will begin to revolve his life around the next buzz. This means reordering his life so that he can spend time online and away from others. Other antisocial behaviors might include a lack of remorse for his actions, aggression, outbursts of anger, frequent lying, indifference to actions that harm others, or an easy use of flattery or charm to manipulate others.
8. Your husband’s financial patterns have changed.
Are there unexplained charges on your credit card statement or bank statement? Have you noticed new credit cards opened in your husband’s name? Since there is an abundance of free porn online, addicts can indulge without paying, but often, when the addiction escalates, they resort to paying for pornographic material.
Charges to these accounts may not look obviously pornographic since these companies usually work hard to ensure the anonymity of their patrons. If your husband refuses to talk about unexplained charges, this is a sign he is hiding his behavior.
9. Your husband has become secretive, evasive, or defensive.
When you walk into the room where your husband sits at the computer, does he suddenly get nervous or make knee-jerk reactions? When you ask what he has been doing online, does he become defensive or easily irritated? When your presence suddenly threatens to invade an addict’s secret world, this can be very jarring for him, and often his nervousness will be obvious.
10. Your husband has become critical of your appearance.
Has your husband started to criticize your looks, your weight, your bust size, or your sexual performance? The more a man spends time with porn, the more his mind becomes conditioned to the novelty, variety, and convenience that porn provides. Many studies have shown that the more a man watches porn, the more he devalues the attractiveness of “average people.”
What should I do about it?
Dealing with a spouse’s addiction is never easy. You may be experiencing symptoms of betrayal trauma. You don’t have to pretend everything is OK.
First, you need to find help and support for yourself. We’ve collected a list of resources for you here.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries don’t mean that you can control your husband’s behavior. But boundaries nonetheless play an important role in healing—both for yourself and for your husband.
As we say in our series for couples, Restored Vows, “A boundary defines what is your responsibility (your feelings, attitudes, choices, and behaviors) and what is your spouse’s responsibility.”
Share Recovery Resources
At Covenant Eyes, we have lots of resources, both for you AND for your husband. Check out this article on the best resources for porn addiction.
Remember, There is Hope!
Lastly, I want to encourage you that we have heard from thousands of wives just like you who have found healing and restoration in their marriages. Recently, we heard from Sarah, whose husband was addicted to pornography. She shared with us:
“It is not easy, but Jesus can bring healing to your marriage and make it stronger than ever. Talk, talk and talk some more, understand each other and what your weaknesses are.”
You can find healing just like Sarah. For more encouragement, read 6 Powerful Stories of Marriages That Overcame Porn.
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