A week or so ago I received an e-mail from a man whose wife passed away recently. They had been married for nearly 40 years. In his loneliness, he says, he fantasizes about times of intimacy with his wife and masturbates. He knows it would be wrong to fantasize about anyone else, but he wanted to know if he should abstain from fantasizing about his wife.
How would you advise a man like this?
I asked my friend Brad Hambrick to comment on this story. (During this vlog, Brad mentions his “grief resource” and his “false love” resource. These are nine-step, video-based seminars focused on grief and overcoming sexual sin, respectively. These are both excellent resources.)
There were several points I really appreciated about Brad’s response.
1. Differentiate between fantasy that comes from “yearning” and fantasy that feeds “burning.”
We can be aroused because of a yearning that longs for the companionship that sex provides. We can also be aroused because of a burning for physical sexual pleasure.
Brad says while the latter is a moral issue, the former should probably be understood as a wisdom issue. It is wrong to engage in acts of sexual lust. It is not necessarily “wrong” to be aroused by memories of companionship and sexual intimacy. But neither is it wise.
2. Satisfy your yearning in non-sexual ways
It is important for those who are grieving to satisfy their yearning for companionship in non-sexual ways. If we let our fantasies continually lead to masturbation, it only feeds the idea that sex is ultimate rather than just a good gift God has given to us: sex becomes an idol of sorts.
Furthermore, it complicates the grief process. According to Romans 7:2-3 and 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, a widow or widower is released from the law of marriage. The one who has passed on is no longer your spouse. The vow to be faithful “until death do you part” is fulfilled. To repeatedly fantasize about these moments of marital intimacy makes properly grieving this loss more difficult.
3. Learn to grieve; then learn self-control
Brad specifically recommends a widower to first grieve the loss of his wife. It is important to first feel God’s compassion in your loss. Then, as the grieving process progresses, learn how God wants to walk with you in the journey to self-control and freedom from lust.
In 2009 I lost my wife of 20 years. It’s 2023 and it still hurts. Not as much but it’s still there. And to think that she despised the ground I walked on when we first met. She would share that piece of history with smile. To this day I do not know how I won her over so I can’t repeat it. I still have desire and fantasy for her. But it’s not just thoughts of my pleasure. My thoughts are just as much about giving her pleasure as well. We enjoyed each other. How is that wrong? I don’t want casual sex. Sex is for the committed relationship but I not jumping into one just to make sex ok. If another partner is in my future, I’m open to it. Do I have to be distressed while waiting? What if that was my “one”? Do I have to be distressed for the rest of my days?
Hi Walt, thanks for sharing your comment. I am sorry for your loss, that must be so deeply painful. I pray that you find peace and comfort.
Blessings,
Keith
I have come across this site again and wish to follow up on my previous posts of May 15th. 2016 (1.37pm) and 19th. November 2018. (12.25hrs). I wrote the dates since there are more than one Mike.
Since then I have been to a psychologist who is an expert in this field. It is not easy to find one, as previous to him, they all detoured the subject of sexually fantasising about one’s late wife (which implies masterbating). I’m happy to say that after rigorous sessions (almost a year’s therapy), he did not find anything wrong with this, as long as it does not impeach negatively on your daily life. Which means it will interfere on your time of getting things done and shed your responsibilities. In fact it is healthy! I did not look and did not find another partner since then. I do not feel it has impacted me negatively. I make a distinction between my religious beliefs and my natural feelings. I am not a priest who is celibate. My sexual desires are real and help me to overcome even bereavement! May this help others in their discoveries. Blessings.
Mike, your comments really peaked my interest. After 58 years of marriage to the loveliest woman I had ever seen and one who fit the bill of all my desires, my fantasy girl since the beginning, she passed away 6 months ago. The solace I take from her passing is that I was able to fulfill my vow of ’til death do us part”. There was baggage, there were some unpleasant memories throughout our married life when the subject would creep into days. Because I worshipped her and the past had nothing to do with me I believed I was appointed as her protector from shame, further harassment, and helping her achieve her dreams. It took along time to get to that point of support.
Since we had such a passionate marriage I do find a tremendous loss and miss her terribly. I think about her all the time. Most of my thoughts are sexual of her.
My problem is trying to follow my Christian upbringing which became dormant for almost 60 years off and on. I went to a Catholic boarding school where celibate Catholic priests taught and disciplined us. It’s also where I learned that celibacy was another word for pedophilia. I left school very angry and confused only to return home with a parish priest that was a pedophiliac.
I went into the US Air Force where I saw my future wife which after 3 duty station changes her being assigned the same places a relationship developed. We could not have been more on the same page as were if we had been cut from the same pattern.
Now I am besieged with secular behaviors about sex and religious Bible instructions.
I am torn between secular permission with casual sex, or masturbation or Bible sexual abstinence. My faith is not strong enough to believe something interpreted and written by men. At that time women were recognized as created for man’s pleasure. Women were not allowed to read the Bible nor speak out .Thus the Bible may not be precisely the Word of God. Psychology despite it’s helpfulness in dealing with the human ego is not in agreement with biblical teaching.
I am a lukewarm Christian and the Bible says the Lord will spit us out of HIs mouth! Well.. OUCH!
I have a conscience that tells me what to do. But it is too much abut guilt leading me. I want to be free but I want to be accountable for the things I do. But for whom or what?
I do believe in a higher power with an all knowing nature. The one thing I have read is to be patient and wait. For the time is not yet ready to reveal the best wisdom for peace and joy in living.. in an afterlife with my spiritual love.
Facetiously I could say be like her and we’ll wind up in the same place.
Hey Louis,
I just want to throw out there for your consideration that the Bible never condemns masturbation. There are zero verses on this. In fact, in the Song of Solomon, the female protagonist has “myrrh dripping from her fingers” as she thinks about her lover in her bed. That looks very much like the Bible normalizing human passion and masturbation.
I think that you’re striving to be a person of empathy and care, someone who won’t abuse women for sex. Trust yourself.
Peace to you,
Kay
I would say the person who answered this is not married or if they are, they have not lost a spouse. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about the memories and sexual encounters you had with your spouse in the past.
DON’T LOOK TO PEPOLE FOR ANSWERS… especially with this problem,
(especially those who have not lost a spouse!) This is a “take this problem” to the power of Jesus situation, go to his word… HE WILL NOT GOSSIP
ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM TO OTHERS OR TRY TO SHAME YOU! JESUS MADE YOU AND LOVES YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONE!
I would be willing to guess that the writer is neither a widow or widower. It’s always easy to give advice when you do not have to live that to which you are giving advice on.
1 Timothy 1:14~15
14 Therefore, I am wishing for younger widows to be marrying, to be making-children, to be mistressing-a-house, to be giving to the opposer not-one occasion in-favor-of verbal-abuse. 15 For certain ones were already turned-out of their course to follow behind the Adversary.
Please answer me, I see Emmanuel has similar question. Ist too soon? How soon is too soon for sexual pleasure either by a partner or by masturbation after spouse passes away.
What does the bible say about time frame?
Ruth,
I do not believe that the Bible is specific about a time frame for this. However, the Bible is clear about lust and having sex outside of marriage. I would say that finding a sexual partner and/or masturbating would not be considered Biblical. Only when you are married to this person would it be permissible, according to Scripture.
I hope that answers your question to some degree! Please let me know if you have any further questions.
Blessings,
Moriah
It is a measure of how difficult and complex is the question of masturbating to memories of your deceased spouse that this thread appears prominently in Google search results on the topic. Well intentioned as the author’s advice is, please don’t be offended if those of us who have dealt with this issue find your ideas inadequate.
One data point completely ignored is that a lot depends on how long you have been together and where are you are in your life. My wife and I raised five kids together, married them off, had grandchildren, had good times, had tough times–nearly 4 decades in all. The thought of finding another is revolting to me, so the advice that I am released from my commitment is of no utility whatsoever. But I do not want to judge harshly a man who has lost his wife of five years and who has not done the full circle of wonderful things that married family life means–the things we did. And heaven help the poor soul who had some duration in between, say 15 or 20 years. Long enough to only really get started on all of what married life has to offer. I cannot conceive how painful that must be compared to my loss.
The author’s advice may be of some help to the young, but it does not fit all situations. For some of us finding someone new would be a pointless exercise whose only end result would be to spoil the glorious memories of intimacy we have of our beloved. I won’t sully those memories by blurring them together with a set of similar but less significant ones. Instead I will put those memories to use in the way I think she would want me to.
I have read a lot of statements concerning if thinking about sex with your spouse who’s just passed is ok or a sin I never thought about the marriage being over when one passes so. Now we learn that this is lust I don’t agree with that so should I feel guilty when I have these feeling
I was searching for an answer to my sexual urge and fantasy with my late wife. We have been together for 9years and got married 4years ago and has two kids. She passed on after a brief illness. I have been feeling sexual urge right after a week she left as our sex life was a super one. Is it too soon to have masturbate to our last moment or I need to get a sexual partner soon if this is a sin…. I need help cos I miss her so much.
I am so shocked by the lack of compassion in these so-called expert advice. No-one who has not experienced this extreme sense of loss has the right to lecture anyone. I identify with the original writer. After a year of widowhood I still remember and feel desire for my husband of 35 years. We, like Mike had no children and were absolutely in tune with one another. We had differences of opinion, of course, but there was never any rancour and our intimate life was wonderful.
I also disagree with the interpretation of that often quoted bible extract. At the time women ‘were given’ and ‘taken’ as part of a system that was mainly to do with tribal survival or family survival much as some communities still practice. They were lucky if they found someone they could love in the sense that I and my lovely husband loved. because we exercised the free choice that is our birthright.
I am also disgusted with the suggestion that sexual satisfaction is something selfish or sinful. A healthy sexual relationship is all about sharing, respecting and making the ‘other’ happy and joyful. Its quite clear from some of these remarks that the writers have no experience of that.
It is as thoughtless and as ignorant as the people who think that intimacy in old-age is somehow taboo. We were made with these desire, we should channel them in a way which is life affirming and increases your respect and deep love.
Shame on you who think you know what God expects. How arrogant!
Thanks for speaking up, Gabrielle. Sexual shame and repression is a sad legacy of puritanical religion, which overlooks the fact that our sexuality is God’s gift to us. Unfortunately, purity culture within the conservative church has continued to promote these unhealthy ideas, to the detriment of everyone and the benefit of none.
I agree with everything you said here and would just add that a healthy sexual relationship includes making myself happy and joyful, along with the other person.
I hope that my own old age is full of life and love, including a long and happy sex life.
Peace to you,
Kay