November 15, 2007, is a day that Serena Abdelaziz will never forget. She had been living in a nightmare. Her husband Josh had sunken into pornography addiction, and his growing discontentment enticed him to look elsewhere for satisfaction. He found it in multiple mistresses. He eventually left his wife and children and planned to move in with his latest lover. There were no signs that he would ever change—he was dead set against returning home. Then, one Thursday morning, something snapped.
Josh woke up that morning and started crying uncontrollably; he had no idea why. But the one overwhelming thought in his mind was this: Is it too late for me to come home? Josh felt himself at a crossroads; he knew if he didn’t choose to come home at that moment, he would never come home. Despite his hardness of heart and deep discontentment, he called Serena and asked if he could return.
She said yes, and that night he did.
Read The Secrets to Effective Prayer Against Pornography
The Power of Prayer
Why the sudden change? Serena says it was nothing more than the power of prayer. She writes,
As Josh continued to sink deeper and deeper into pornography, drinking, and more affairs, my heart was losing hope. I had to find something to keep me going. Watching my children suffer while Daddy was gone was like reliving my own childhood, and I didn’t want that to happen. I started leaning on God more than I had ever done. My heart continued to love Josh, but it was only because of my hope in Christ. I told my mom to never let me change my mind about staying married, no matter how bad it got. Clinging to God for help was the only thing that helped me endure the pain…
My heart towards my husband remained soft, in spite of the circumstances. Josh sleeping around and waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. His desire to leave his family was out of character for the man we all believed him to be, so we just continued to pray.
The Importance of Accountability
In this video, Josh and Serena talk about why Covenant Eyes has been a vital tool to help them rebuild trust, especially in light of his former addiction to porn.
Hi Stephanie, I went through a similar situation with my husband about 10 months ago and didn’t know where to turn. We were directed to a ministry ran by a married couple who also went through a situation of her husband having a sexual addiction. It has been a hard journey, but I don’t know where my marriage would be without this ministry. You may not be in the area, but I am sure they would be willing to communicate with you over the phone or email. Just wanted to send out a hand to you because I know exactly how you are feeling. Here is their websitehttp://www.wofm6111.org/. If you would like to talk, I’m here.
Catherine
Hi can I get the link?
I’d like to talk
I just found out my husband has been looking at softcore porn since he was 16. I am not quite sure if my anger is warranted since, from what I found, feels very subtle. When he is watching TV and finds a girl attractive, he does a Google image search and eventually looks at soft core porn shots. No movies. No actual porn sites. Just this.
I don’t know what I’m more mad at: him looking at this stuff or the massive lies of constantly vocalizing an over conservative view in this area, saying he would never look at this stuff, asking to turn the channel when things look racy on TV etc. I feel lied to and betrayed.
Now the kicker when we spoke was his lack of empathy. He laughed it off, said it was nothing and I was overreacting. I shared all that we both knew to be true, how it’s wrong in Gods eyes etc. He was just mocking. When I finally shared that I am not someone who will sit by for years and turn a blind eye and of this continues I will leave w our small children, he said he got it and won’t do it again.
No remorse. No upset- of course this will continue and he will delete his search history on the Internet.
I feel hopeless and angry. It’s a taboo subject so I don’t feel I have a support network or friens I feel comfortable confiding w. Part of me feels so upset and the other part feels I’m overreacting bc his use is so subtle. Is it even possible to stay this subtle when it relates to any kind of arousal? Our sex life has dwindled in the past years and I have pushed and tried to be more intimate w him but he’s lost his drive. I now see why. Help!
Hey Stephanie. I think you’re wise to be concerned over the lack of empathy in his response to you. Just the other day I came across a quote from John Gottman in Time magazine:
“In really bad relationships, people are communicating, ‘Baby, when you’re in pain, when you’re unhappy, when you’re hurt, I’m not going to be there for you. You deal with it on your own, find somebody else to talk to because I don’t like your negativity. I’m busy, I’m really involved with the kids, I’m really involved with my job.’ Whereas the [relationship] Masters have the model of, ‘When you’re unhappy, even if it’s with me, the world stops and I listen.'”
To me, it almost doesn’t matter what the particular issue is. When you get that uncaring response, it’s really a problem. Even if it’s “only” softcore, even if he doesn’t do it again, I’d say there’s a real problem there that will just manifest itself in other ways if it’s not addressed.
And no, it’s not a “subtle” problem when it’s related to arousal, to say nothing of emotional intimacy in your relationship.
I’d recommend finding a marriage counselor. You can check the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area. And as you think about your boundaries, you might appreciate reading through our free download, Hope After Porn. If you haven’t read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, that’s certainly worth checking out as well.