I was 12 years old when I first started looking at porn. I don’t remember the first time, but it started with just random magazines and Pinterest art. I didn’t know why I liked looking at it, and I wasn’t sure that it was okay, but it made me feel good and calm, and in a weird way, mature, when I looked at it.
It was a full two years before I was able to tell a priest about my struggles. For months I confessed that I was looking at pornography and the priest always gently asked if I had told my parents. I knew I needed to, but I was scared that if I told them my parents wouldn’t trust me, that they would look at me differently and they would see me as a failure, especially compared to my siblings. It might seem trivial, but I was also afraid that my parents would ban me from using the computer entirely and while I understood why they might see it as necessary, I hated how they might limit my freedom and keep me from the benefits of the Internet as well as its dangers.
Coming Clean
I was nearly 15 by the time I came clean to my parents. It was not a fun conversation. But it also wasn’t as disastrous as I feared. My parents still loved me, and they didn’t make my struggle with pornography my whole identity. Looking back, I can recognize that while my addiction saddened them, they were disappointed for me more than in me. We all knew that going forward would be difficult, but my parents wanted to work with me to find a solution instead of straight-jacketing me into getting better.
That’s when we started using Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes enabled my parents and I to find a middle ground with my computer use. While I was grounded for a short time, afterward I was allowed to use the family computer for schoolwork, chatting with friends, and other personal activities. Because my parents had installed Covenant Eyes, they knew that there was a healthy barrier standing between me and the greatest dangers on the Internet. They could let me retain some freedoms while also not having to constantly peer over my shoulder.
Another benefit of using Covenant Eyes for our family was that it kept the lines of communication about my struggles open. Because of the weekly report that my parents received, I knew there wasn’t much point in trying to hide it when I had messed up. Those conversations were difficult but ultimately fruitful.
Why I Share My Struggle
Progress was slow but steady and by the time I reached college my addiction was broken, though I still had occasional temptations and temporary relapses. I started meeting with the college chaplain regularly, and I am currently two years clean from pornography. Along my journey, I have shared my struggles with different people, to varying degrees. By personality, I am a very open and talkative person, but I have also realized two deeper reasons for wanting to be open about my struggles, with friends, with family members, even with strangers I may have just met on a retreat or at a summer camp.
I first wanted to share my struggles with others so that if anyone was facing what I had faced, they wouldn’t feel alone and they knew there was someone else who understood. I don’t want other people to experience the isolation and shame I did when I felt that I was the only person who kept making these mistakes. Since college, I have had several young women, from one of my best friends to a girl I’d known for a day, who have asked to talk to me because they knew I wouldn’t judge them. Because of my honesty about my own failures, they had enough courage to ask for help. These experiences have encouraged me to be honest with others and not be afraid to be seen.
But the second reason, that took me years to realize, was that honesty made me feel like a whole person. One of the greatest dangers of pornography is that it isolates you from other people, how it sucks away your energy and interest from other activities, and how it traps you in a cycle of shame, even as you try to fight it and recover. But by opening up to others and asking them to hold me accountable, I allowed other people to see all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And by being honest with them, I could be honest with myself and receive the courage to live an undivided life.
Christ tells us in John 10:10 that “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Pornography traps us in the opposite, cutting us off from life, love, and abundance. But Christ wants to give us freedom so that we may live a life fruitful with love. I have been blessed to know many people who see me for who I am, not a perfect pretend version of me; and in spite of the flaws and failures that I have shown to them, they have loved me with the love of Christ, helping me to feel whole again.
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