For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
I knew something was wrong on our honeymoon, but I blamed myself. Two years into the marriage I discovered his YouTube history by accident and the floodgates opened. Unfortunately my first husband was also a porn addict so this brought up old wounds, anxiety & anger. While I made him go to the elders for accountability & counsel, he lied to them at each meeting saying he was getting better, when in reality he was still using it and masturbating instead of being intimate. I found that out, another 2 years gone. Changed accountability partners and says he’s “healed”.
He’s now impotent and blames it on age. I’m struggling with anger as I promised to love and desire this man for life and I’m lucky to get intimacy at all anymore. My whole life has fallen apart. I’m scared I’ll spend the rest of my life in a sexless loveless marriage. It just feels hopeless.
Greetings and gratitude! I can’t overemphasize how helpful this site has been for me. My story is so very similar to so many that I’ll spare you the sad details of discovery. I’m writing because I have a question…(complicated).
My husband’s issues started when he was a very young child. He was doomed to suffer with them from birth secondary to having parents with severe issues who themselves had parents with severe issues. This family looks so “Leave It To Beaver” perfect on the outside that no one, including me, would ever guess what is going on behind the pretty façade. My husband has marked ADHD, anxiety and facial ticks resulting (I’m convinced) from such poor parenting. In pre-adolescence, this became complicated by his learning various means of self-soothing when stress overwhelmed him, namely alcohol and sex addiction. I said all that to set the stage for my question. How can he ever benefit from any treatment for his sex addiction and “intimacy anorexia” if he has no idea what real intimacy is or what authentic relationship looks like, and his ADHD doesn’t afford him the ability to sit through meetings and work through structured programs and actually get anything out of them? Because of certain childhood abuses– structure, rules and restrictions make him crazy. I love him so much, but thanks to the counseling I’m getting and the work I’m doing on my own healing, I know that this is something over which I have no control. He has to do his own work; I can’t fix it for him. He says that he will learn about all this “addiction stuff” on his own (reading books, etc.) and that he doesn’t need any labels or anyone telling him how to heal or how to be happy. Since I’ve been married to him over a decade, I can certainly affirm that his style of learning and relating is not anything like that of most of us. We have great counselors and we’ve been through 2 couples’ intensives. (His sex addiction was uncovered in the first one.) He says if he has to sit through anything like that again, he will just explode. God knows they’re too expensive to waste our time and money if he’s getting nothing out of it other than, as he says, “rules being shoved down my throat”. I’m feeling hopeless for our marriage. I know that he can’t do this by himself any more than he could perform surgery on himself. He says he wants so much for us to be happy and that he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone in his life but that he has to learn this by himself. He has to figure it out his own way. I’m looking for a place to live for a while so that I can regain some sanity and see what his actions will be. I’m so broken right now. I’ve never felt so lonely and alone … and I’m still living with him! With his learning issues and lack of emotional development, I’m not sure HE has a chance– let alone US. Any thoughts/ideas?
Thanks again and God bless you for what you do!
What do you do if your ‘christian” husband does not believe there is anything wrong with viewing porn in God’s eyes? And he says it isn’t against me since he doesn’t lust after those women and has only ever wanted me? (which I don’t really believe) It is just curiosity that he views it, he says. Makes me feel like I am nothing that he doesn’t see it as a problem for me and that I shouldn’t make a problem out of it. I told him I wanted him to go to counseling and he said he would if he did it again. There have been two different years long episodes until I found out each time and then he supposedly wasn’t going to do it again. I can’t trust him as he was hiding what he was doing each time, but he thinks things should just be normal. I think it is a real spiritual problem also since he doesn’t think God cares if he looks at other naked women. I wonder what to do at this point.
He’s rationalizing, which is a common defense mechanism he uses to justify in his own mind what he knows to be a violation of christian values.
Then he’s gaslighting you, telling you not to know what you know, think what you think, or feel how you feel.
You might want to call up his parents and his pastor as tell them what you’ve just told us here. I bet they’d have a different take on it than he does, which is in fact why this is a hidden behavior. He knows it’s violating the values he’s professing to claim. He’s just hoping you won’t be smart enough to figure it out.
You get to choose healthy boundaries in this marriage. You didn’t agree to pornography, and if you don’t want it there, it needs to go. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries.
Your husband will need a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist to help him get into good, solid recovery.
Meanwhile, you find a counselor just for you, who can help you process through this. Check into the excellent online resources at Bloom for Women.
Help! I think I’m becoming a sex addict. I was sexually abused before the age of 10 by a neighborhood child and also exposed to porn by older children at my school and encouraged to masturbate in front of them. Fast forward 20 years and I’ve struggled with an auction to porn off and on for years. Now I’m married, struggling with credit card debt even as I struggle to put my wife through medical school. I work a minimum wage job that just barely earns me emotionally to prevent me from qualifying for free healthcare. My wife is constantly stressed out with the intensity of her classes and not very responsive to my sexual affection. I’ve started finding myself occasionally dipping back into porn again after thinking ive finally kicked the habit a year ago. Even without porn I’m masterbating in bed next to her while she sleeps and thinking about buying a prostate massage toy… I’ve been to counseling for both ADD and to try to confront the abuses in my past. Coming from a very conservation Christian background I don’t feel comfortable discussing my situation with a local counselor of my faith because I’m afraid of the shame I’ll feel every time I see them socially. I’m also afraid to go to someone who don’t be able to help me from a Christian perspective. I can’t really afford counseling either. I haven’t stepped out on my wife and don’t plan too. She hasn’t caught me at the porn yet and every day I hope I won’t do it again and often I don’t for weeks at a time… I’m her first boyfriend and her husband. Before we ever had relations she knew I had been abused and also had had premarital sex (this didn’t occur until a previous fiance discovered she had repressed memories of being sexually abused by her brothers and came over to my apartment one night after a bad phone call to her parents trying to discuss the abuse and crawled into my bed – I was weak and we were engaged and doing premarital counseling when this all came out about the repressed memories and we had sex that night and then a few days later her parents basically kidnapped her and I never saw her again – we did communicate but she could never get up the strength to leave them and or meet for therapy). I have never been unfaithful (other than porn) but she’s had trust issues since shortly after we were married – I think related to some old emails she dug up to old girlfriends… I didn’t even know they still existed. She used to threaten she should go out and date around-then she wouldn’t be so jealous. She eventually learned to trust I was faithful and doesn’t threaten that anymore. She also used to threaten me with divorce if she ever found I was watching porn. At the time I wasn’t, but now I’m feel stuck between wanting her and being rejected and struggling to avoid porn and masterbation, hoping I can last until she’s willing again. And sometimes I fail. I do know that she’s been emotionally abused by her dad. Him withholding attention and affection until she obeyed his direction… Cutting her off or just leaving until she came running back to him after an argument. She’s done the same to me in the past, running away after an argument… I’ve always made a point of following after her immediately so she never thought I was putting her off till she came around. I don’t feel that it’s right that we sometimes go for weeks between sex and I’ve always made a point of striving for four-play and ensuring mutual climax. I sometimes feel that I wouldn’t be so tempted by porn if she were more receptive to my affection, I was more or less porn sober during our courtship and after our marriage until lately when she started this program. After I first caved I could usually hold out a few months at a time but lately I can only hold out for a few weeks at a time. I also wish she would initiate more than once every few months. I love her and don’t want to hurt her even by taking her that I’m struggling. I want to get help but don’t know where to go. I find myself thinking about sex a lot more and having inappropriate sexual dreams in my sleep.
Hey John, it sounds like you’re at a very stressful point in life, and falling back on unhealthy coping skills. When I hear you saying that you can’t go to counseling for this, this, and this reason? Well, as a therapist I have to say that sounds like rationalizing to me. If you’re looking at the long term health of your self and your marriage, that is worth some potential embarassment, and a good financial investment, I’m pretty sure! I know what it costs to go to medical school, and I know that a few hundred dollars or even a few thousand spent on your mental health will not break the bank at this point! Push past these excuses and do what you know you need to do. Find a therapist for yourself. Find a group to attend as well. Step up and take care of yourself at this critical time. This is a vital investment in a healthy future.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have come to realize i have problems and want help. It ranges from things in my past before i was martied, a father who was border line abusive and inlaws who did some very bad things to my wife and i before we got married and refused to come to the wedding. Im in a viscious circle of habits that i cant shake and truly want to. Sexually our marriage has been a struggle and i fell because of this and fell into a cyle. Im a believer but have struggle of additiction . My wife is not a understanding person and holds grudges from her past with issues of her own. I want us to be whole.
I can relate. My wife and I are from different ethnic backgrounds and her parents were so awful to us while we were saying that we mutually left the area for a distant school so we could court each other without their abuse. They finally came around several years later and only after she basically told them that they could be a part of our lives or not. Their choice. We have been married going on three years but in the last year we have moved back into their local community because she is pursuing medical school here. They are outwardly friendly but the stress of school combined with their proximity and some careless comments against me have strained our marriage. She had withdrawn from me sexually and claims she is to stressed and busy to be aroused. I constantly feel rejected and have started to be fall back into old habits of pornography and masterbation little by little. We were also both abused, me sexually, and she emotionally… My wife can also be a little bossy and isn’t afraid to cut open old wounds. At the same time she can be exceptionally caring and thoughtful even if not sexually affectionate. I pray we can both find a way to heal ourselves and recover from our addictions before they do irreparable damage. I also pretty that as we find a way to heal ourselves we can find the courage and resources to bring healing to the precious partners in our lives and see them flourish again into the beautiful passionate people we fell in love with.
I feel like I’m married to a stranger. That everything before “the discovery” is tainted. I am 5 weeks pregnant. My world is in tatters. He has thrown petrol on our marriage and lit the match.
How can he claim to love me. And lie to my face.
So many of your stories have identifiable similarities to my situation.
Shame, betrayal, deceit, heartbreak, lies, lies, lies.
He says he wants to change. That me finding out is exactly what he needed.
He has had a sexuality crisis too. Gay chat lines for a long time.
Most information I know is from detective work or from painful questioning to which he rarely gives me a straight answer.
I can’t stop investigating.
Can we really get over this? I can’t imagine how.
I’m so sorry. Your story just breaks my heart.
It’s pretty common for men to feel relieved when they are discovered, while the wife feels devastated and traumatised. Make sure that you get help for the pain you are facing, with an experienced, trauma-informed therapist. If you want to try a group, make sure it’s a trauma-informed group. The online resources at Bloom for Women are excellent as well.
On top of this “normal” devastation, you also have the issue of sexual orientation. I wonder if you have found the resources at Straight Spouses? You might also turn to a LGBTQ Resource Center in your area for support and help. It seems to me that it will be important to understand what exactly he is dealing with in terms of sexual orientation. If he is gay, what does this mean to your relationship?
The porn issue may actually be secondary here.
Peace to you in this storm,
Kay
This article touched my heart. Not all of it applies to my situation and how I have handled my husbands addiction. I do have a question. He is about to have his first session next week with a therapist but he wants others to talk to. We live in a small town so the only meeting around here are AA. Is there another way he can find a group of men to talk to? I have tried searching to help him out. I do not do this for him this is his response however I see his worries and fear and I would like to help point him in the right direction. I also read in another article that women who suffer from life with an addict have similar symptoms to PTSD. Do you think that is true? Thank you so much for this article it has helped me a lot.
Seems like if he’s serious about recovery, then a once-a-week drive to another town might be an worthwhile investment to make.
And it is true that many women in situations like this meet the criteria for PTSD, and it’s so very important for women to get help, too. Find a counselor just for you, who can help you process your pain and build healthy boundaries (here, here and here are good articles on boundaries). You can also find online support at Bloom for Women.
Peace to you, Kay
I am the wife of a sex addict. I found out about my husbands addiction 8 months ago, and I decided to stay with him and see how things progressed. Initially we tried attending couples therapy. But our therapist soon decided that my husband had an addiction problem and recommended that he see another therapist for individual sessions. My husband has not been actively seeking recovery on his own. I have to constantly remind him to make appointments with his therapist. And one of the real problems I’m dealing with is my emotional response to my husband speaking with a therapist individually and leaving me in the dark. I feel like this just perpetuates the secrets that caused problems in the first place. I want him to get help, but I’m having a difficult time with the unknown factor on my end. Has anyone else felt this way? If so, how do you get through it?
Hey Melissa, I’m a counselor, and I think your couples therapist took exactly the right approach. Your husband has to do his own work first, and when he’s doing his work with a reasonable level of success (not perfection, but taking responsibility for himself and doing the work), then couples’ therapy might once again become a useful option for you. Right now, it sounds like he’s not taking responsibility for himself; you’re still doing the work instead of him. Let him make his own choices. If he does his work, great, then you can go back to therapy together.
But your couples’ therapist is wise: as long as he won’t do his part, it’s not a couples’ issue. It’s his problem that he won’t face.
That brings you to a whole new set of issues: what do you do if he won’t face it?
That’s about you taking responsibility for yourself and your choices. Many times we would rather keep trying to force someone else to do the right thing. Unfortunately, that is an exercise in futility, and I see women in my office all the time who have spent 30 years in that game, unsuccessfully trying to make their husbands make healthy choices.
Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries and what you can do to be responsible for yourself, rather than for him.
I would say, find your own therapist, and do your own work in terms of emotional processing and healthy boundary-building. You might appreciate the online community at Bloom for Women as well.
I know this is tough, but I would say: turn your attention away from your husband’s choices, and look at your own boundaries. No matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy.
Peace to you, Kay
When my husband and I started dating I found out he was watching porn. I had a very deep conversation with him stating its not my thing. I grew up very conservative. He was my first and I believe I was his first (neither of us was experienced). As the years went by I was always on his phone but never found anything to worry me.
A few days ago my worst nightmare came true. I discovered that he was watching porn on almost a daily basis. I confronted him and he said he had a problem and he wants me to pray for him and help him (we pray every morning in any event). The worst part is, we lost our first born baby in January and I am still broken and building up my faith. This now is just to much!! I am so broken that I literally can’t even run away from him. My flesh is saying run like never before, but my spirit is saying you will fight for your husbands soul and your marriage. It’s very very difficult though. I don’t even know what to do. Except rebuke and pray non stop. But I as I read a book by Liberty Savard “breaking the power” it says that you will have to surrender your soul for God to work within you. An unwilling soul can only be saved temporarily. You need to learn how to pray binding and losing prayers…and that is probably a fear, what if he is unwilling… How do I discover that.. I feel so overwhelmed.
Hi Vanessa,
First of all, he needs to take responsibility for his behavior. That means getting his internet under control by whatever means necessary–blocking, filtering, accountability, changing to a flip phone, whatever it takes. If he’s serious, he’ll do it. Then he also needs to find a therapist and/or so that he can learn to work through the emotional side of this in honesty with other human beings, not people on a screen. If he’s serious, he will do this. If he’s not willing to do both of these things, you’ll know he’s unwilling! If he does it for a while then quits, well, that’s not a good sign either. He needs to get serious and get the job done. It will take time.
At the same time, you find a therapist just for you, someone who can help you process the emotions of this, as well as the terrible loss you’ve suffered this year. Take really good care of yourself, and decide what healthy boundaries need to look like for you. Here and here are some boundaries articles.
Hi, I appreciate the article. Though my husband never continued a group for recovering addicts after 3 times, I have heard him tell me that I shouldn’t be his accountability partner. So that had lead to him dismissing my questions and doubts. His parents have been oir counsellors, and as much as I love them and appreciate them, I feel they cut him too much slack and don’t empathize with me enough since they think I should still keep trying and not leave him..
It will be our 8 year anniversary August 1st..and I am finally ready for this façade of a marriage to be over. Sadly, we have two beautiful kids together and they each love us both dearly. It would be an accurate guess to say I’ve even stayed this long for the kids, they are turning 4 and 2 this year. I want the very best for my family but I have noticed that my attitude and demeanor drastically change when my husband is around. He is so mean and has done so much damage overall. We are in so much debt(that he unbeknownst to me) took out also in MY name, and we are always struggling. As if the stress of porn use by husband isn’t enough, (he also chats, creates all these different accounts to flirt) has cheated on me as well as kissed so many girls, he never stops to talk and if he does its only on his terms where I cannot confront him about anything because he gets angry and leaves..or punches holes in the wall.
I need him to leave..I need help. I am broken..he pretends to be so nice in front of everyone and especially in front of his parents (who then wonder why I am always so irritable with him)..but it’s all a lie! If it’s shallow, he’s fine. If not, he’s a monster. I bel wife God wants better for me and my kids than this.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. It sounds like your husband has been able to manipulate circumstances to continue his sexual acting out in many areas, while maintaining his facade. I would encourage you to find a therapist for yourself, someone who can help you process emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself, someone who can provide an outsider’s perspective for you. A support group would be great for you, too, and I think you’ll appreciate the online resources at Bloom. You might want to look at a few articles on boundaries: here, here, and here. Just know that your emotional health matters, along with your physical health, and no matter what your husband chooses, you can make healthy choices for you. Peace, Kay