For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
I have read through quite a few of the posts here and I think I have somewhat of a different take on the issue of codependency and enabling. I found out 5 years ago that my husband of 20 years had been a sex addict for 50 years. There were a few a times in our marriage that I caught him at things and really should have known, but we were Christians (I thought) and I was a forgiving person (I thought); it was just easy to get back to life and shove it into the distant background. However when I was looking on our desktop for the family Christmas picture we had taken to go print some and came across a folder of thousands of pictures of nude women, I could hardly ignore it. By then we hadn’t had a sexual relationship in the last 15 years due to erectile dysfunction which he blamed on my coldness and lack of desire, and our marriage was completely toxic with emotional abuse on both sides and verbal abuse from me. That was rock bottom. We separated.
My husband started a 12 step program with SA and SAA and both restarted separate counseling with the counselor we had used before. That’s when I realized I was co-dependent and embarked on my own path to recovery. Since I did not really know about his sex addiction throughout our marriage, it could not be said that I was directly enabling him. But I have come to realize through a lot of work on myself and how I was raised in a dysfunctional family, and also knowing how he was raised in a dysfunctional family, that emotionally I was enabling him. My own family history made me seek out exactly who he was – an older man that gave all the appearances of a normal devoted husband but who was emotionally remote and needy. Someone for me to help, to fix, to change, the way I had always tried to do for my dad. Desperate for communication, I talked and talked and he shut me out more and more. There was no way to really know him. There was always a wall which he was both unable and unwilling to tear down. In the meantime, I was verbally abusive to him and I tore him down a lot, the way I was torn down. That made him feel unworthy of love, the way he had been made to feel as a child. It all worked perfectly for us – until it was so toxic and the truth came out – and then it didn’t. The separation lasted 2 years until my husband had a stroke and could live on his own so he moved back in. He still attends SA meetings, and also a Copendency group, and though he is pretty free of the sexual addiction, he has never really changed as far as how he relates to me. Still doesn’t share any deep parts of himself to any extent, still doesn’t communicate. I am unable to break a lot of the old relating patterns either so I am as much to blame as he is. I know that too much water has passed under the bridge to ever have a marriage together at this point. I read someone where that in sex addiction marriages, a third stay married, a third divorce and a third stay stuck. I fall into the last category, and it’s an ugly place to be. My emotional needs are still not met, and actually living with someone you are married to on paper but with whom you do not have a marriage is an ugly place to be.
All of this long story (sorry) was just to point out that I think there can be codependency at work allowing sex addiction to happen or continue without direct enabling going on. I still work on my own recovery and I think I have changed a lot in general so I just have to keep heading that direction. Otherwise it just feels like waiting for one of us to die.
My husband has destroyed our marriage with his porn addiction.
And now I fear even going in public because he has told me when seeing pretty women, he has vivid sexual images pop into his mind of him having sex with them. He abused me sexually. Doesn’t listen to my no. Was verbally and emotionally abusive while deployed and I was pregnant.
Lied for the first two years of our marriage and said he didn’t want to lose me, which is his reason he hid his addiction before our wedding after I asked him to disclose any problems with porn.
He has told me I have made him hate sex. And a whole bunch of other things. He has blamed me for his porn use. Sometimes he takes responsibility.
Now that we are working through things, I want to know everything.
I honestly want to know every thought he has about another woman. He said he has lots of porn flashbacks. But that the sexualizing of other random women on public has stopped. Yeah right.
I understand I can’t control his thoughts. But after all the lies and deceit, I want transparency. It is so that o feel safe! If a pretty woman who is half naked walks in front of us, or is in a movie or he is at the gym and a tight bodied girl bends over, I wanna know. Because IF HE DOES think something sexual, I can guard myself. Unlike I used to when I was oblivious thinking everything was fine.
He told me for a whole year he had sex with me and had to think of porn while having sex WITH ME HIS WIFE just so he could orgasm. He couldn’t even think of me when he was having sex with me!
It disgusts me.
It might be crazy I wanna know his every thought about other women. But you know what. After his latest relapse last month in freaking Done. I want transparency so I can set boundaries for myself. I do t wanna have sex with my husband who earlier in the day was undressing Jane Doe with his eyes and wondering what sex with her would be like!
I hate who I have become in this marriage. And angry bitter resentful 24 year old. Trying to raise a baby girl who has a porn addict father.
Hi Michelle,
It sounds to me like your anger is for very good reason, and is an appropriate response to the abuse you’ve suffered.
I agree it’s important that trust is re-established if you’re going to continue the relationship. Given the history of sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, though, I wonder if this will be possible? It sounds like there have been very serious violations of trust which your husband needs to be responsible for, and have serious therapy to correct, if the relationship is going to be viable.
I would recommend a CSAT therapist for your husband, as well as a trauma-informed therapist just for you. Once you’ve gotten through the recovery phase, once he is firmly established in healthy patterns and you are not feeling so traumatized, you should probably then move into marriage therapy to establish healthy patterns going forward. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the best research in the world on healthy marriage, and there are Gottman Certified Therapists who use that research in excellent therapy.
I don’t think you need to have sex with him until you are assured of his behavioral trustworthiness, and until emotional trust has been reestablished in the relationship. Sex will not fix this problem! Therapy is required first, and a real change of both behaviors and thought patterns. Even when recovery is firmly established, your body belongs to you and you always get to decide if you want to have sex, and what kinds of acts you wish to engage in. He must respect your no, always.
Peace to you, Kay
My husband and i have been together for 23 yrs this may and we have 2 children together. The 1st 3 yrs of our relationship was amazing. He works hard, takes care of his kids, is very supportive of me in anything i want he provides. He is as close to perfection as any human can get. He has created on me numerous times, more than i can count. This last time i caught him, and tried to leave, he hits me with him having sex addition and beggs me to give him one more chance. He has a sex addiction counselor and i have met with him once. I want to belive him, but i find myself unable to. I read on what sex addition is and the only signs he has is want sex from me multiple times and getting upset when we don’t. I have never caught him watching porn, he dose not pay for sex with other woman, and he doesn’t master bate nor have i caught him master batting. So, as you can see its hard for me to accept this as his problem. The only thing that makes me want to belive him is his clam of being raped as a child by an older girl. How do i know if this is a desperate attempt to hold on to me or if he really has this addiction? I love him he is my best friend, but i find my self so angry with what he keeps doing to our family. I fear that the next time it happens, I will forever lose my best friend and all the love i have for him will turn into hate, and will never have a chance at peace or good teams. We have children and that is the last thing i want, weather we are together or not.
Hey there. What a tough situation to be in. Every single situation is different, and individual situations change over time. So I don’t think there is one right answer for how to deal with things, just individual processes in individual situations. I would encourage you to find a counselor JUST FOR YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. Whatever your husband ends up choosing in his process, YOU can choose to be healthy in yours. Peace to you, Kay
Im a addict going through a extremely hard time in my marriage. My wife has psoriasis. It affects her privates. She goes completely dry. The smell is awefull. She is so embarrassed and me to for her. We can’t find a fix for it in 6 years. Not one doctor seems to even recognize there is one. The problem is I’m going nuts. We had a more open style marriage because she liked girls as well. Worked out great at first. Only girls we shared together. But now due to her illness we can’t enjoy that time. I can’t get that need met. Support groups don’t help because of a long story sure to my childhood. Abuse was rampant in my childhood. I feel like I need to run screaming or fight my way out. The VA had no help to offer.
She wants me to film one day to next to have a girlfriend for those needs. The next day it’s that she wants me to be good. I’m willing for her. 10 years together. We’ve been through hell. But we always go to bed cuddling.
I’m getting nauseous just bring by other women. I’ve thrown up a few times this week alone. I talk myself out of acting out 50 times a day. I have opportunities with safe people (not prostitutes). The issue is its very heavily affecting us. We know this is a problem. We also know that a open marriage is taboo. But wet have always hunted together. Always worked on this together. Now I’m alone in this it feels like. Like I’m struggling to hold on to something that’s already failed due to lack of contact. Not effort. I’m afraid for our son. How this will effect him. I’m so manic right now. I’m taking myself out of having sex with my babysitter who is more than willing and available when my wife’s not home. I feel sick at the thought of turning it down again. Seriously nauseous. Please. Any advice. I’m scared of myself right now.
Joshua, I’m not sure if anyone else has responded to your message, but your situation will not be fixed without a lot of hard work. If you truly want to make things right for your son, then both you and your wife will need counseling. The sexual situation is just the surface issue – the past hurts that were inflicted on you (and her?) really need to be dealt with so that they aren’t passed on to your boy. Don’t wait – reach out to a church or someone who can recommend a counselor in your area.
Kay,
I am so grateful for this forum and everything you are doing. I have to say that I now know that I am a SA. About 5 1/2 years ago my wife found out about my Craigslist postings. I had been seeking hookups on CL for roughly two years and had hooked up with several men. Yes, men. I quickly found out that the women on CL were not real or I wasnt bold enough at the time to pay for sex. I couldnt find any females that would meet me, so I decided to check out what the men had to offer. I dont think of myself as gay or even bisexual, but for some reason, I wanted to feel what it was like. After the first time I had received oral sex, I wanted to experience more, so I kept looking and exploring. So, after two years or longer, my wife found out by looking at my phone. I had had 3 hookups and she was absolutely devastated.
We eventually went to counselling, not for sex addiction, but for marriage. We went to a christian husband and wife counselors once a week for a little over a year. We started going back to church and I got involved with this men’s group and went to these men’s christian bootcamps several times. FF to last July 2016, we had been doing great, I hadnt had any relapses, our marriage was doing wonderful, she was starting to trust me again. We moved out of state, away from our church, my men’s group and after about 9 months she visited back home for 3 weeks. I dont know why I felt the need to explore CL again. It’s like it was building in anticipation several weeks before she left to go home, but I couldnt make the desire stop. I ended up hooking up twice while she was gone. I was going to tell her as soon as she got back, but she was so happy to see me and I her. Couple days later, she found out. Once again it was Men I hooked up with. I have never been with another women since we have been married (14 yrs), but thats because I couldnt find any women that would meet me. Anyway, as expected she was torn into, worse this time obviously. We were working through that until December, I just couldnt resist “looking” again on CL and started looking at dating sites for women. LSS, I had to leave to go overses for work for 3 months and so this is our built in separation, plus I am going to move out for at least a year after I get back. Thanks to this resource and others like it, my wife and I agree that I am a SA and our plan is to get help individually. Me with SAA and counselling and her with counselling.
I cant really pinpoint the reason for my addiction, but all that my wife and I have read is that its maybe due to a feeling of abandonment, lack of intimacy as a child as far as with my mom and step-dad, and some other similar stuff. I was never sexually abused, but I was emotionally abused by my step-dad and I could go as far as to say slightly physically abused at times. With that being said, I do not make excuses for my actions, I just want to heal myself and be the best I can be.
I know I need GOD and I need a support group in order to win this battle. So, thank you for all that you are providing here at Covenant Eyes.
Hey Daryl, I appreciate your honesty here. I think getting individual help is a great plan, and I think separation can be really helpful as well in a situation like this. I think once you’ve gotten a chance to process your own emotions and work through your own stuff, you’ll be in a much better place to consider where the marriage goes from here. I’m hoping that you’ll find the support you need, and exactly the right therapist who can help you along your journey. (And if it turns out you’re gay, know that God loves gay people just as much as he loves straight people. He loves us ALL. ALL means ALL.) Grace and peace to you, Kay
I have been with my husband for 18 years, 13 married, we have 3 children. All along we had issues because I felt he was too friendly with women. He always talked and texted with women and there were sometimes when I suspected that there was more than that going on, but I chose to either ignore it or thought that he would end the relationship if he thought it was getting out of line. He always said the right things and always told me he loved me and treated me well.
Two months ago, I found out that he had been talking and texting with yet another woman excessively so I began to question him. He started off by saying that they had inappropriate conversations, texts, pics, kissed. Fast forward two months: he has admitted to being a sex addict. Little by little he has admitted to excessive masturbation, looking at pictures of women while masturbating, going to massage places where he received sexual acts. Two days ago he told me he lost count of how many woman he has had sexual encounters with. I am devastated, but at the same time, I still feel like there is more he needs to tell me. I want to know all the details and I realize what that might do to me, but in reality I already have the mental pictures of him being sexual with other women. I have created a list of questions I have for him and plan on giving it to him very soon. I hope he is able to answer all my questions. But should I be careful with what I ask? I don’t know!
Soon after I found out about the last woman, he changed his phone number, got rid of his facebook account, started individual counseling, and last week he attended his first saa meeting. He never did any of these things before, but I am so scared that he is just doing all of this to convince to stay. I feel lost and wish I was at a place where I could say that I will give it my best to move forward. I love him but I know I do not deserve any of this. I also wonder if this addiction can really be controlled. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am terrified of finding out that he has not been able to stop.
Wow, Gabby.
Those revelations are really scary. I would say, you need to know everything. You can’t make good decisions for yourself going forward without ALL the information.
I’m glad he’s made these new, different choices, but like you, I wonder how recovery will actually go for him, given the extreme extent of the behaviors.
If I were your therapist, I would suggest a separation so that if he is truly sincere about his recovery, he can work on that while you make sure that you are safe and well. You need a counselor for YOU, to help you process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries. A group would also be a good thing for you, and you might appreciate the online resource, Bloom.
Have you been to your doctor? I suggest an STD panel as soon as possible. He absolutely must have one as well, and do not have unprotected sex with him.
You can’t move forward in the marriage unless he chooses to move forward, and I think it will take QUITE some time to be able to judge if he’s going to be able to do that. Meanwhile, move forward with your own healing, your own emotional processing, and your own very healthy boundaries. We understand that, sadly, there are times when sexual addiction breaks a marriage past the point of reconciliation. No matter what he chooses, though, YOU choose to be healthy and well.
Peace to you,
Kay
I have been in my relationship (unmarried, but engaged since 08) since 2005. We have 2 kids together and I found out my partner was speaking to an ex.. We had been in a rough patch so while surprising and disappointing it was more of an insult. We decided through that experience that we both truly had feelings for one another and wanted to continue to rebuild our relationship. More passionate than we had been in years, we quickly came to realize I was expecting again. Unfortunately, right after the ultrasound to confirm we were 9 weeks pregnant with our third child I found messages on his phone where he was conversing with a prostitute while out of town on business. I AM BROKEN. I have known since 2007 that he was addicted to pornography and just kept my concerns to myself mostly so that I did not push him to feel insecure about himself. Unfortunately I think he silently brewed into a bigger addiction that I can not live with. I can not imagine raising 3 kids on my own, but also can’t stand the idea of living a lie or putting myself at risk with his behaviors. He has started counseling for the first time, and feels that it will be able to help him understand his issues and give him more control, but I just don’t know what to do while he is on his path to recovery.
While he’s working on his recovery, you work on yours. Find a counselor just for YOU, someone who can help you process your emotions and choose healthy boundaries for yourself. Find a group for YOU. In addition, you might check out the online resources at Bloom. Whatever he ends up choosing, YOU be healthy for YOU.
I am a sex addict. I cheated on my wife with women I exchanged money with. I had problems, she had problems, we had problems but nothing justified my actions. I may decisions and acted upon them which had nothing to do with my wife. That was 6 months ago. I went to an intensive. I go to individual therapy, group therapy and SAA meetings. I am working toward sobriety in that I have slipped with porn once in 60 days. I want \to be able to say that is the last time I have ever done that. My wife and I may have had an unhealthy relationship and I am not sure what it will look like going forward but I think it is unhelpful to call it co-dependent. I think alot of people in recovery use the street and co-dependent language to personally deal with the emotional difficulty of accepting the damage they have wrought by their behaviors. It’s a cop out to accepting responsibility. These activities catch a woman by surprise and it destroys them. I was asked if I could change one thing what would I wish for and I wish I could go back in time and that I had never done this to my wife. I wish I had the integrity to say I wanted to be alone, to separate or divorce or do something rather than acting in a way that is so devastating. I wish I had worked on my problems. I am now. I wish to provide her with the unconditional love and support that she needs to heal. That is not co-dependent. When she is angry, I know it is because of the pain and fear she is experiencing. Every time I hear that anger I look at it as an opportunity to learn about love, empathy and compassion – traits I clearly lack. I may have made mistakes that one cannot recover from or go back from and our relationship may not survive. I don’t believe there is a her side of the street to keep clean. I think that’s nonsense. She may benefit from a trauma counselor but that is her choice as to whether she wants to do that or not.
If you are having sex with a cheater, YOU ARE ABETTING THEM, and you are just as guilty as the cheater, if you KNOW what they are and you KNOWINGLY INDULGE and abet their NARCISSISM!, especially if it is for YOUR OWN NARCISSISTIC LIFE!
Once they have PROVEN to be a LIAR AND CON, GET OUT before they drag EWE to hell with them!!!
Not only are you abetting a cheater if you permit sex with them, you are really nothing more than a proxy for whichever wild fantasy they’re entertaining. Does he have problems completing, with a LOT of stop-start-stop-start? He isn’t making love to you; he’s flipping through his extensive mental “porn library” and none of them are quite the flavor he wants right now.
The co-dependency concept is giving way to the understanding that PTSD is what we’re really suffering. Gaslighting, manipulation, lying and exposing us to STDs are abuse. After all, there’s no way to prove a man is “porn-drunk” and acting out on an addiction.
These men (and many women) can NEVER be trusted, because THEY CHOSE to justify and fraudulently “excuse” their “addiction.”
This is a PERSONAL CHOICE that THEY CONSCIOUSLY MADE to CHEAT ON people they CLAIM to “love,” without FIRST ADMITTING TO THEMSELVES that they “love” themselves and their selfish choices, FIRST AND FOREMOST, OVER CHOOSING REAL LOVE! … And they use ANY MEANS OF DECEPTION to unjustly “justify and excuse” their “behavior” when it STARTS IN THE CONSCIOUS MIND FIRST!
Do NOT FOR ONE SECOND believe that they are EVEN CAPABLE of REAL “love,” because REAL LOVE, the love that COME FROM GOD and the depths of the human soul, does NOT CHOOSE EVIL OVER GOOD!
These men have been able to GET AWAY WITH LYING TO EVERYONE, in order to exalt their own destructive/narcissistic/manipulative behaviors, discounting and discrediting ANYONE who stands against them!
They have CHOSEN disloyalty and selfish narcissism OVER LOYALTY to TRUTH and honor of their own words!!!
Making this into an “addiction” problem, only excuses their bad behavior EVEN MORE!!
Do NOT BELIEVE “ADDICTION” LIES that they and their ABETTING THERAPISTS use to JUSTIFY THEIR ONGOING CHEATING and INTENTIONAL DECEIT—and to KEEP PAYING THE “therapist”!
These are men (and many women too), who are NOT worth the paper their degrees are written on, because MANY have cheated people about the REAL TRUTH of what they are hiding in their dens of lies, disloyalty and deceit —they trample and denigrate the word “love” to mean something that ONLY fits THEIR greedy, selfish CHEATING AGENDAE, and they will ALWAYS blame the other person who they have LURED BY DECEIT and LIES!!
Hi Sophia,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I want to affirm that you are a person with the right to trust yourself. If you are in a relationship with someone who lies to you and cheats on you, then we here at Covenant Eyes would urge you to have healthy boundaries. Here, here and here are articles that might help.
One of the things that I see often is that men get a lot of help for their recovery while their wives often receive little or no help at all. I would suggest that you find support for yourself so you can process your emotions and consider what healthy boundaries would look like for you.
Peace to you,
Kay
The first time was Sept 2002, he told me he would stop. Then again in 2006, 2008, from 2010-2013, this one was the worst, and now Nov 2016. I already have ptsd from an abusive childhood, and I was raped and molested when I was4. My hubby was in the military, I was married to him for 21 years of his 23 year military career. I was the dutiful wife, taking care of the and working and volunteering throughout the bases we have lived at. I am so depressed and my ptsd is sUchiha a loud noise in my head. You would think living in such close proximity to so many that have ptsd, it would be easy for me to find a trauma therapist. It has been non-existent. I’ve been diagnosed 2 separate times with ptsd and dysthymia and now ptsd with severe depression. I’ve had therapists argue whether or not I am really depressed, tell me I’m an adult, I should forgive, my history is unquantifiable????? I should read the secret. I should just trust me hubby. And they don’t believe me. It’s so bad, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. My heart hurts all the time. I long or get sick so my pain will come to an end. I don’t believe him anymore
Raine, I am so, so sorry.
On top of all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage, it sounds to me like the therapists you’ve encountered are incompetent at best. No ethical therapist dismisses the concerns or symptoms of the client in the way that you’ve experienced. If a therapist doesn’t understand or can’t treat a problem, it is their responsibility to tell you so, and to refer you to someone who does have experience successfully treating the issue you’re facing. Their job is NOT to minimize the problem and blame you for it! I would say that you are well within your rights to make a complaint to their state licensing boards.
At this point, you may not want to try again, but I’m very very concerned for your wellbeing. Are you taking any medication in conjunction with your diagnosis? If you have not been prescribed medication, please do visit your doctor immediately. That would at least be a starting point.
Then I would say, you really do need therapy. You need a safe place to process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries. You might benefit from EMDR therapy as well. I would check the directory at Psychology Today, do some phone interviews, and then do an in-person interview.
When you go to see a new therapist, you are simply shopping. YOU get to decide if this person is helpful to you or not. You should feel safe, respected, and heard. If those things aren’t happening, this is not the right person for you. You are under no obligation to that counselor. Walk on and keep shopping until you find the right person.
I know this is so hard to do when you’re already feeling so badly, but it’s extremely important, because all of these things you’ve described are COMPLETELY TREATABLE with a competent, caring therapist! Please don’t give up, just because you’ve run across some loser therapists who don’t know what they’re doing! Your life is so valuable and precious, and we need you here with us. Please keep shopping until you find the best fit for you.
Meanwhile, if you have not run across the work of Bessel Van Der Kolk, you need to get acquainted with what he has to say about PTSD and its treatment. The Body Keeps the Score is a great book, but a big one, so you might want to start with this podcast at OnBeing which is a great intro to his ideas.
I would also suggest that you start doing yoga daily. Here’s a link to my favorite, no-sweat, super easy seated yoga practice for anxiety. Anybody can do this. All you have to be able to do is sit and breathe. The research on yoga and PTSD is so encouraging–better than medication in many cases! So, please give it a try.
You might also appreciate the online resources at Bloom. There are forums, classes, and all sort of helps for women in recovery from marriage betrayal. You won’t be told to get over it. You’ll find a community of women who really know how to recover and help one another through.
Peace to you,
Kay