For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
When do you just walk away?. I am a Christian woman who has believed God for the changes in my husband and marriage but I can no longer take his abuse and it is causing me some health issues myself. I have developed depression and even have a stress rashmall over my body dealing with the insanity that I have been dealing with.. No one knows or sees the insanity I am living in as everyone on the outside thinks my husband is so nice. Well, he is a good ACTOR as that is how he could talk so many women into affairs with him previously. He did previously go to a Christian sex addiction live in program for seven months. How happy I was thinking he was repented and was such a changed man as when he came back he even enrolled into a bible college claiming he wanted to be a pastor or biblical counselor but it didn’t last that long. All the while, I had been waiting patiently for the healing for me and our marriage to come and never did. Everything is always focused around him and his desires but he never dealt with anything that was important for me and he never made any real attempt of the things I wanted him to do to help restore healing to me and this marriage. My feelings and emotions have always been put on the back burner. He refuses to deal with the past in the right sense and nothing has moved forward because he doesn’t want any accountability of the past. The times he did give some effort to talk about the past and reveal what he needs to tell me where really lies which I then later discovered the real truth and when I confront him his stories change and he says HE NEVER SAID THAT(the lies he told).I could handle the past if he would only tell the TRUTH instead of half truths, and blatant lies and stupid mind games that are making me feel insane. I don’t know what the TRUTH is anymore and I always feel like I can’t believe a word he says. I have caught him recently doing things behind my back and even lieing to me about several different things..like going to a place he was never suppose to go to( for good reasons). He knows the boundaries but yet does not care how it may affect me. Our arguments have been based on these things or things regarding his boundaries. He thinks he has a right to go places like LAS VEGAS to watch his dad bowl, or should be able to have a non sexual massage from a woman after he had hired a prostitute in Vegas and went to the sexual massage business. Also he wants to associate with his single buddies and has even contacted the friends that was involved in his prostitution scandal that he is no longer suppose to associate with and again all behind my back. I stopped being intimate with him because of these things and his verbal abuse and emotional abuse…he compares me to the women he was with to be cruel and tells me I am the worst women he had to ever deal with. Since I stopped having sex with him(even my counselor agreed I should stop) he is very emotionally abusive. Just tonight he told me that he can go out and get sex from any women he wants and that no man should have to put up with a wife who doesn’t want to have sex with him. He doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I should give him sex(that all he cares about and is the only time he is really interested in me when he wants sex) and if I don’t he throws big temper tantrums. He knows the reason why I have stopped but yet he doesn’t do what he needs to do and then expects me just to keep taking this insanity of his double minded ways and abuse. I am ready to walk away because I have been dealing with this behavior for way to many years…and I need prayer for strength and help from the Lord above. I need to be rescued out from this situation and the so many irresponsible things he put on us.
Hi Teresa,
Well, I would say that if you are being abused in any way, that the abusive spouse has voided the marriage covenant and you are free to go. You don’t have to stay and be abused: verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. None of that is necessary.
You might want to read Luke Gilkerson’s article about divorce, porn and sexual addiction.
I hope that you’ll turn your attention toward the one thing you can control: YOU. Your choices, your health, your healing. Find a counselor just for YOU who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. Find a support group for YOU. Check into the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
I was married for 20 years, muddling through at least 4 affairs until I’d had enough & left with my children. For 10 years I was content to be a smart, single, educated & self sufficient woman. I described myself as a “man hater” , vowing to never put myself in that position again! Through mutual friends I met a man I initially had little interest in but it progressed and I thought of him as a wonderful human being. We dated for a few years then he broke it off and I moved on. He pursued me for a long time, finally surprising me with a marriage proposal. I laid out, once again, my history in my prior marriage and that that was a deal breaker. He assured me. Less than a year later I found pictures of women on his computer, by accident. He said it was just pictures. Well, it happened again and he even got defensive, blaming me for this & that. Fast forward on 5 years into the marriage and I found graphic videos of women doing things to him. I lost it. The only way he admitted to being an SA was getting caught in more & more lies. These women were threatening and I started to feel unsafe. He even “protected” one by delaying the break up because he said, she said she loved him & he was afraid of what she may do ( little thought of me, I thought) not to mention the unprotected sex he’d been having…exposing me! He’s in meetings now & I forced myself to go also because I need to understand, but every time I bring something up he blames me. I’m no mother Teresa, but I have never strayed from my spouse. Intimacy is the second toughest road, beyond trust. I picture those videos with her face whenever we try to be intimate and I get nauseated. This is so hard and just the tip of the iceberg! Any thoughts
Donna, I am so, so sorry. What a painful situation to be in. As a therapist, my primary concern would always, always be for your safety. Being exposed to STD’s as a result of your husband’s choices is definitely not a safe situation for you. Furthermore, it sounds like you may have some symptoms of trauma which would be completely normal, given the circumstances. Many, many women will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD.
While I applaud your willingness to go to meetings and gain understanding of his issues, I would want you to focus on YOU. YOUR safety and YOUR healing. Whatever he ends up choosing, YOU choose health and wholeness. Find a counselor who can help you process the traumatic events you’ve suffered through, someone who can help you build healthy boundaries. Find a trauma-informed group to attend. You might also appreciate the online resource, Bloom.
Peace to you, Kay
I’m not sure how to feel about all the shared experiences. One the one hand, I suppose I could take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in the maze of confusion and torment associated with sexual addiction. I’m not wrong for feeling devastated, emotionally raped by deception or for grieving the death of what I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt to be pure, friendship, devoted love, commitment & lifelong companionship. I’m not wrong for feeling the intense pain, betrayal or anger, not to mention the debilitating sadness by the shattered illusion of marriage. I’m not alone & there are others out in the universe who can totally relate. But instead of feeling comforted by this fact–it only seems to compound the heart wrenching state that I current find myself. What has happened to our humanity? Have we destroyed even the slightest glimpse of morality, integrity, and respect for ourselves and those we claim to “love”. It has been explained to me that this sort of behavior is “triggered” and often acts of the unconscious. Now–I’m not a professional doctor or psychologist/psychiatrist but it seems pretty clear that to concoct lies, create premeditated environments and situations or scenarios that are conducive for this sort of behavior–is THE FURTHEST THING from unconsciousness. I’ve studied many criminal cases over the course of my career that scientifically prove that mentally handicapped people –who have been charged with premeditated acts of violence or destruction to property were actually held accountable for their crimes –DESPITE–their disabilities &/or mental capacity–simply on the basis they they were cognitively capable of LYING and trying to create & convince others an alternative reality. I may be wrong — but holding men accountable for their CHOICES -instead of labeling their choices as “addictions or disorders” is the most logical-rational-helpful course of action. Anything else only seems to further enable the bad behavior and continue to be a source of pain and heartache for everyone involved. What kind of message does that send to our daughters & sons? What sort of advice would these men give to the children they have helped bring into the world. I wish I could find some sort of comfort in participating in this sort of forum. But it has only caused me to feel more disgusted & hopeless. The only thing one human has control over is how the react and respond to other human beings. You can chose love respect and kindness or the opposites. And if someone choose the opposite–the best choice is to walk away.
Hi Paula,
I agree with you that the only thing we can really control is our own choices. And yes, often the best choice is to leave a relationship when love and respect are absent. I do think that good boundaries are the first step in healing and hope, even if it’s painful to make those choices at the time.
I wonder if you might appreciate the online resource, Bloom. It offers private forums that are more conversational than the forum here, PLUS numerous recovery tools for women. It’s a trauma-based resource, which I think is the best way to go. And it is restricted to women, so you don’t have to see negative push-back from addicts defending themselves!
Peace to you, Kay
I have not cheated on my significant other; I am not even married. I am on here as a recovering addict reminding myself of the pain I could cause if I don’t stay the course.
But I am a woman, and this title just once again reaffirms what a nut job I am.
I have been engaged to a sex addict since march 0f 2015. He is a recovering porn addict.he is transparent with me and when he does relapse as we all do when in recovery he recognizes it and talks to his sponsor, and repents the behavior. he has not done the same one twice as that would be a choice in my eyes. I have to learn to process the things he tells me. it is not easy but I know that I’m powerless over his addiction, It seems that internet is the things that gets him every time, I’m his accountably partner and can see what he views, there were other devices such as a blue ray player and a tablet which were used to view you tube without filters, he surrendered that to me and they have since been removed. It is things that cause suspicion that is the hardest for me to deal with. Trust is something that is earned and it is done by my partner being completely honest with me, I’m not on any side of the street but his and we lock arms and put on the armor that the devil tries to penetrate with thoughts and temptations. I’m blessed to have the honesty. Your wife, girlfriend or fiancé needs to be your biggest fan and want you to be healthy. it starts with transparency and honesty.
Phyllis,
He is a liar. Over and over again.
After 35 years, I found out my husband was a pedophile. His behavior started when he was 11 years old. He found his father and brother’s magazines. I believe his father would have been a sex addict as he was a hoarder as is his brother. They have addiction in the blood line.
He was a child and this took over his mind. Being a child when this transpired, is the only sympathy I have ever had for this man.
It’s all about choice. An alcoholic will choose or not choose to drink. Same with all addiction. Disease yes but that is a easy way of saying we can’t control ourselves.
Blame? They will all blame whom ever they can. I was blamed and he was an addict at age 11. Already deep into a dark world when I came into the picture. I take no blame. I hold none of his shame. Most of us shouldn’t. Co-dependent is a blanket term that is easy for a therapist to throw out. I was not co-dependent. I was lied to. You are being lied to as well.
I sent him to treatment to the tune of nearly $100,000 then divorced him 3 years later. He traveled most of the time and had 2 different identities. I have been divorced for 4 years.
My former husband is now a full fledged pedophile. If your husband is a sex addict, then he WILL eventually “act out”.
If this were not the case we would have no continued meetings or treatment for sexual addiction. There is no cure. They will just move to a different addiction while sexual addiction lurks in the background ready to jump out at any moment. They can’t live without an addiction of some sort. It might be drinking, gambling, drugs, collecting things or even GOD. It’s all done to fill a void or keep the endorphins flowing.
They seem to live for the next acting out opportunity. They are sorry when they are caught but that’s about it. Addicts are addicts and only think of themselves. She won’t find out. I can hide it. They are much like children in the thought process. It’s the “what can I get away with” mentality.
You will never trust him nor have respect for him. If this is the life you want then stay. If not then you should get out before he does anymore damage to you and your family.
This is your choice. He has made his.
All the best
SKY
My husband is 10 months sober and doing the 12 steps for alcohol, 3 years ago I found out about an affair, they were plotting to end the marriage, but he ended it with it instead, at first he said there was no physical contact between them, just heavy flirting and talk of him ending our marriage, I found out over the next year that there was kissing, but still supposedly no sex, we went into couples therapy right away and over the next 2 years he was diagonised with a sex addiction too, and he’s since admitted to many affairs but swears none were physical, I DO NOT believe he’s never physically stepped out of the marriage, so my long winded question is how likely is it that a sex addict hasn’t had sex with others??
I don’t know, Phyllis. Every single person is an individual, and we don’t know what choices each individual has made, unless they choose to tell us. We just don’t know what specific behaviors have occured!
HOWEVER. We DO know how we feel emotionally in the relationship. We DO know whether there is real emotional trust. And I think that is actually a BETTER standard for judging the state of the marriage, and the state of your partner’s recovery, than strict behavioral reporting. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about behavioral vs. emotional trust. I’d be asking questions like: “How do I feel in this relationship? Does my husband turn toward me emotionally? Does he care how I feel? Is he interested in building a real relationship between us?” If you feel cared for and attended to, then I’d feel pretty safe in the relationship. If, however, there’s not a lot of emotional connection, then I’d be concerned about the potential for further acting out on his part.
Sex addiction, in my opinion, is not about sex. It’s about using sex to avoid personal pain. In recovery, he should be learning to face his pain and then he should also be able to face your pain, and be present with you emotionally. Of course that’s a process! But you should see signs of that happening along the way.
Whatever your husband’s recovery looks like, your recovery is of paramount importance. I often find that while men receive a lot of attention in recovery, and keeping the marriage together receives a lot of attention, the trauma that wives suffer tends to go unaddressed. I hope your counseling experiences have addressed your trauma, but if you’re needing support, you might be interested in this online resource: Bloom for Women, which focuses on trauma-recovery for women and attachment-recovery for marriages following betrayals like porn and affairs. Whatever happens in this relationship, whatever your husband chooses to do, I hope you’ll choose healing and support for you.
Peace, Kay
Peace to you, Kay
Hello – i have been in recovery since 2008. My first marriage ended in 2013 and got remarried in 2014 to a wonderful woman. On board our honeymoon cruse on Tuesdau 10/14 i was approached by a women in the bar that fratinized iwth me and I reciprocated while my newlwed, married saturday standing near by watch and was dumbfounded. My wife is very outspoken and I told her after why didn’t she stop her. I did not deny my part and took full responsibility. Since then she has become contrary, argumentative and belittling. We separated in 3/16 and my anger led me to return to my SA ways of pursing other relationships with men and women. She found out & I told her I did it because of my anger at her. I need to take responsibility for my actions and stop those unhealthy behaviors for my own self dignity. I enjoyed reading this article which my wife sent me. When we were having trouble in March 2016 we agreed to be friends. She has now decided not to be friends. Your article talks about her being selfish amongst her anger which she is doing. I pray for our friendship and I look forward to a healthy relationship and me managing my SA issues. Thanks,
Hello Daniel – Can I invite you to think about this from a different point of view? What if you new wife needed to know she could trust you to not take action; it’s your role as the husband to intentionally separate yourself from these situations. If she couldn’t trust you to make it clear that you were married and had no intention of following through on the other woman’s flirtations when she was there, she absolutely could not trust you in private. You said you took responsibility for your actions; that’s great! But please understand that you very publicly betrayed her, and while she may need her own counseling, her anger is justifiable, and her separation from you, even on a friendship level, may in fact be part of her own healing process. You also said that your struggles led you to acting out again; if you are not pursuing healing through professional counseling, I highly recommend it.
Peace, Chris
Daniel,
I cannot see from your post how you even had full recovery before marrying again a year later to another woman and then basically, simply put acted out with a SA on your honeymoon. Imagine how she felt to see her newlywed husband with the other women in plain sight ON YOUR HONEYMOON!!!! Imagine how her heart just dropped to the floor of the ocean and every insecurity and pain that you placed inside of her is her entire future with you til death do you part…….as a man, it is your duty and honor to protect her inside and out. It is your duty to protect all women in this area, especially this area of purity. This article you mention does not and will not apply to you like it would any other person who has been married for more than a honeymoon (that was not even after a honeymoon but it was during the honeymoon), even a 3+ month long marriage would be a different ground here to apply this completely to. I am going to be, quite frankly blunt and direct and believe I speak for most men and women regarding what they should say to this response and even though it might be hard for you to hear or read, it is the absolute truth. No room to sugarcoat anything…..these are men and women and they are a living and breathing being that was created with every intention and vision of Godliness in marriage towards one to another. Keeping always the marriage bed pure and never defiling it. We each were made with feelings and emotions, personalities that need to be blossomed into something beautiful and weeded out of all flaws with one another in marriage. Our gifts and talents uplifted and encouraged bringing always admiration to and for each other in marriage. Becoming one flesh with God in that one flesh unity….centered at the very core. We were made like this and anything whether we be Christian or not, if anything is not God centered, upheld in purity, honor, respect, understanding, love, sacrificial and service, hopeful, graceful, striving for the very image of Christ himself in our marriages then we all have a hole in our hearts that even though we all can cover them with masking tape, or not ever understand or seek to understand our own emotions and missing links inside ourselves, we will always have those insecurities and sufferings in our own person and in our marriages if God is not the very reason of our unions and hearts. Your wife has every reason in the entire universe to feel like this and act like this. Not to say that she is in the right by some of those behaviors back if it is sin/morally not the right way of expression. But, definitely she does have every right to question and be angry and any emotion she feels like because the reality of it is…..SHE IS THE VICTIM! A lot of the problem in recovery of a SA is they do not address or they disregard the very ones who had to or does endure the most excruciating of all, the spouse of the one whom betrayed him or her. There should be no victims in a marriage at all. And it is so sad to see those who have fell into the the traps of the world or their own darkness to be displayed as the victim instead of the one/s whom the person who done the betrayal to them are played off like they are not. If this was any other addiction or struggle in a seen reality instead of being unseen or easily hid, then the accountability and help of a spouse would play a ton more if not all the way 100% in a recovering phase. Together, one flesh…..one person/one heart/one soul/one everything!! Why is it so hard for so many to understand this? No matter how hard, how painful, how much discovery of, anything……Your GOD GIVEN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER IS YOUR SPOUSE!!! Number 1!! Man and woman up everyone! It might not be easy to hear or tell but this is very crucial to healing no matter what the outcome is. If both spouses work and strive for a Godly marriage and intimacy then the results will be beautiful no matter what has taken place. If the focus is not Christ centered and is self based in any way shape or form this is voided and cannot become a beautiful, God glorifying marriage of a one flesh unity that is going to fly together for better or for worse. Important always….TOGETHER! When you withhold any or all or even the most subtle secret or thought and feelings from your spouse then you will always give room for the foothold of the devil and this wound/s will never completely heal because you still shine no light on it with the very person (if married) completes you as a oneness would and should. For those that are wives/husbands of the SA and for the SA them self or has been one of……please understand God gave you your first and always after Him, an accountability partner. It is your spouse. No matter how hard and the obstacles in the path from choices of self or others that chose and have to hang on and ride the storm. Please know that it is going to hurt, it is going to not be easy, you will fail at times to extend understanding and grace, you will be hurtful in the wrong ways, you will struggle, you will not want to endure and go on or keep up with the fight. But the most important of all is to remember each other and God! Faithful, Hopeful and Lovingful always never fail to come together to remember this with one another. To go ride out every storm no matter how much it will destroy in and out of you and your spouse, that you paddle together. If you can make it through this with remembering this in a marriage then you can overcome anything! Much love and God bless you all!
My boyfriend of 3 years is starting his second night in a homeless accommodation. We have both been married before . When we met he revealed to me he had been abused as a child . After several months and after I had fallen for him I discovered he hadn’t quite ended his previous relationship. His ex and I met up and it was a truly difficult time . Conclusions and allowances were made based on his upbringing and ” mental health” issues . We moved on . We stayed together . Slowly I was drip fed information from his past from abuse to dysfunctional family to 2 failed marriages to prostitutes to dating websites, recent text messaging and seeking out women . I listened . I loved . I understood . I even forgave . Then I discovered recent ” acting out ” as he described what had happened while with me . Why did I not see this coming ? My dad today described my past 3 years being an error of judgement and God loves me . My dad doesn’t know my boyfriend who moved into my home and shared my life with, allowed bonds with my children, friends and family was and is a sex addict .
In my head I feel I should move on . In my heart I feel something very different .
I is going to seek help from SAnon and other counselling . It’s just beginning for him but I’m not sure where I begin or end .
Hey Heather, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered in this relationship. I hope your boyfriend is able to get the help he needs to heal from the pain of his past. But whatever he chooses, I am glad that you’ve been able to set some healthy boundaries, and to turn your attention to your own recovery. After all, there’s no way we can force another person into recovery. All we can do is be responsible for our own choices. If you haven’t found these resources yet, you may want to read through some of the links here. Blessings, Kay
Just reread what I wrote and it may seem I’m saying the original article doesn’t have understanding for the pain of the spouse of a sex addict. Definitely wasnt what I meant. I cried reading the article for exactly the opposite reason. I felt like someone finally found the words id been searching for. Because in my experience this far? Spouses are treated either as equally sick and responsible for the addiction or completely marginalized and labeled controlling, jealous, possessive and such. It’s reassuring to know there are people who get we don’t necessarily bear blame for the addiction or possess those traits.