For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
Thank you for this article. I read over it three times and cried each time. There seems to be very little understanding of how painful and traumatizing it is to be married to a sex addict. I won’t speak about how my husband has chosen to act out over the course of our 22 year marriage. I don’t think it matters if your spouse/partner has engaged in what might be viewed as relatively benign sexual behaviors or those more toward the extreme side of the spectrum (barring, of course anything illegal, deal breaker, and if you have a partner who has broken the law in his/her sexual pursuits? Please speak up and don’t let him/her victimize anyone else). Back to the point I wish to make. What my spouse actually did was painful to bear, but the lies and secrets have been heartbreaking and soul crushing. I left him 9 months ago. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. He has an sa meeting he goes to once a week and a therapist who specializes in the field. He relapsed at 3 months and then again at 4 1/2 months. I feel it is in large part due to the fact he hasn’t really committed to recovery. Does the meeting and Dr appt but no other work. He gets defensive when I ask about progress and if he’s learning about triggers and coping mechanisms for urges. How many times am I supposed to believe “I’m not going to use. You’re all I need.”? He knows he’s an addict and has finally admitted the way he’s always tried to cope, aka white knuckling it, doesn’t work. We are almost back to him having 30 days clean. But it doesn’t feel good really. He hasn’t even started step 1. He says he loves me and wants me back home. I keep saying show me, don’t tell me. I don’t want words, I want action and progress. But I’m sort of at a breaking point now. Our separation hasn’t been typical. We still see each other at least a few times a week. We spend alot of time doing family activities as we always have. The intimate part of our relationship is still great. But again, breaking point. I cannot stay in limbo anymore, waiting for him to actually commit to recovery, for his own well being, and stop working it just half assed enough to placate me.
I do bristle at being labeled co-dependent. I didn’t sign up for this nor have I ever, in any way, enabled my husband to make choices which were bad for himself and/or our marriage. Do I have issues myself? Yes. But I have never purposely made a choice I knew would hurt someone else.
Trying to find a way to close this long winded comment. I have alot of empathy for my husband and his crap childhood, which in large part set him on the path to sex addiction. He is a good man and he loves me and our children and grandchildren. He doesn’t want to hurt us. But I’m just so damn tired of policing him and his behaviors and trying to get him to be healthy and be proud of himself. It is probably time for me to step back and work on myself and let him figure out if he actually even wants sobriety, without pressure from me.
Apologies for such a long post. I know my story isn’t singular or unique. The initial article struck me (sent a link to my husband and told him it articulates alot of my feelings better than I’ve been able to, he said he would read it). I read all the subsequent posts and found comments that were poignant, offensive, helpful, insightful, inspiring, confusing etc. I’m glad I found this though. Good reminder that so very many other people have people they love who are struggling with sex addiction.
Hello I love this article but my case is quite different. My boyfriend loves sex and we’ve been dating for 11months now I really do love him and am sure he feels the same way.
He had a rough past before giving his life to Christ and he is also a loner, always isolated and not social. He never got into a relationship until we met in church. We became friends and eventually started dating. Our relationship has been a success coz we both understand each other, we trust ourselves and we barely quarrel but sex has ruined it all. whenever I’m with him no matter how hard I try we keep messing up, I’ve spoken to him about marriage but he isn’t ready yet. He is 25 and I’m 19 though he said he’s gonna settle down before the age of 30.
Sex is a sin against God and we’re both tired of fornicating I notice my boyfriend can’t resist me no matter how hard he tries and now he wants to give up on our relationship until he’s ready for marriage so he said(I don’t believe his words though) but all I need right now is to change him for a better person and how to save my relationship with him and not sin against God.
What’s stopping him from getting married to you now? Why wait until he’s 30?
Thank you so much for this article.
I became so weary of asking my husband for truth and updates, I finally gave up. I’m not sure this is best, as I believe both partners should give 100% towards healing and building intimacy. However, I am so emotionally fatigued, I truly can’t continue to ask him for what I so badly desire. I long so for him to come to me and talk to me and reassure me and prove to me that he’s giving 100% towards healing and recovery. I know and I have witnessed that when he wants something he will do ANYTHING to get it and I want to see that same fervor and desire in him to be clean and completely free.
Reading this article has helped me to see desires I couldn’t articulate–thank you, thank you.
I stumbled upon this post after Googling, “spouse of sex addict recovery” and am wondering if you have any information that might help me to know what I need to do…what is the next step for me?
My husband has told me that right now he is unable to give me what I need, unable to meet my emotional and sexual desires, unable to be intimate (in a relation sense not pertaining to intercourse) with me….it’s so difficult to live with so many unfulfilled desires and to know that I can’t even ask him to love me in the way I need because he’s already decided that he’s unable to.
It’s also difficult for ,e to trust him because he hasn’t been acting out the last couple months and therefore he deems himself “clean” and won’t go to a recovery group or set up an accountability partner….
I feel like I’m rambling and not making much sense.
I’m just a weary wife that needs support and any information I can get my hands on.
I want recovery and healing for myself and I am seeking ways to get the help I need.
Thanks again for this article.
Hey Amanda, I’m so glad you found us! My best advice for you is to seek help for YOU, no matter what your husband chooses. Find a personal counselor who can help you process your emotions, choose healthy boundaries, and make good choices. Find a group where other women are processing through similar issues: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon, xxxChurch. There are a ton of free resources here, and lots of companionship from other women who have been through this and found healing. Here’s a link to some of our best articles for women. And we’ve got a free download called Hope After Porn that’s several women telling their stories. And here’s an article Ella just put out a couple of weeks ago that I think is just the bomb. The good news is this: YOU can be healthy, no matter what he chooses. YOU can choose healing and hope, no matter what he does. You don’t have to be held hostage to his bad choices. You can make healthy choices for you. Blessings, Kay
Some SA men are able to maintain an intimate (non-physical) relationship although they deeply struggle with being sexually monogamous. That is my spouse. Best friends since age 18; yet he had to have that one last visit to his hooker “to say goodbye.”; two months before our wedding. The condom ripped (“but I stayed in her a while because the skin to skin contact was so pleasurable.) I was totally unaware of his yearly visits to prostitute; clinically described to me as a circle where he craved more and more masturbating to porn.Finally, hooker.) Since age 10 he self-soothed with excessive masturbation. I had no idea what I was getting into. He’d have 3 day binges and when unable to maintain erection for ejaculation, then he’d call his whore who was always available in 10 minute and lived nearby. I was exposed to so many STDs:8. 50 varieties of HPV including pre-CAncer of cervix.
Eileen – my heart breaks for the destruction that his choice has brought to your life. Are you receiving the care you need? Both physically, emotionally, and with boundaries in your marriage? I want to make sure you are cared for.
Chris
It’s been 5 months since I found 2 emails from my husband soliciting to try meet up with someone over his lunch time. On our wedding anniversary. Five or so years ago, I found a text to someone he said he enjoyed the afternoon with. The first time around, there were tears and apologies. He said it was a one-off chance meeting with a stranger at a store. He just accepted responsibility and promised not to do it again. I went to therapy and worked really hard to trust again and let it go so we could move on. I did all the work to heal.
What’s confusing is that from day one of our marriage, he was always passionate about our lives. On the surface we have always had a great marriage. He said he’s realized that the emails were related to a porn addiction and immediately went to counseling. Honestly, I didn’t ask for many details. I didn’t want to ruminate over every little thing. We have many accountability measures in place. But most days, i’m sad. And disillusioned. I don’t know that I can trust the good stuff on the surface. I pray and pray for healing. I’m in counseling too, but this time I know I’m not just some jealous, suspicious wife who can’t forgive. He is happy he has admitted his addiction, and says he feels free from it. Some of the initial praying together has now waned, and we don’t talk about it as much as when he was first enlightened and studying. I occasionally bring up questions and share my pain. I told him I don’t know what healing and healthy is supposed to look like, because our marriage was always good on the outside. I think he is surprised I am still hurting. I don’t trust the good stuff now or what the future may hold. What does healthy look like?
I’m so, so sorry. I feel sad with you.
When you’ve had this enormous gulf between the facade of a wonderful life, and the reality of cheating, then of course you are disillusioned. It’s only WISE to be disillusioned!
We can only trust people who are trustworthy. And the only way we know if they are trustworthy is by their trustworthy behavior OVER TIME. Unfortunately, your husband has not been at all trustworthy in the past. Can he become trustworthy? Yes, of course. I truly believe that people can change; I’ve seen it happen. But at this point, you just don’t know–and you’re seeing some signs that cause you to question this trustworthiness.
I think guys who feel relieved and happy with discovery often don’t really understand the kind of work they’ll be required to undertake. They think a fairly simple apology and “never again” is enough. They don’t understand what’s driving their own behavior, and many many times I see this idea that stopping the behavior is all that’s necessary, when in fact the subterranean world of shame, blame, guilt, fear, personal inadequacy, personal sexuality, views of women, entitlement, defense mechanisms, and other issues is still lurking below.
So, healthy looks like him dealing with his stuff. In personal counseling. In groups. Over time. Probably years. yes, the accountability measures are good and necessary. But without processing those many, many underlying issues that drive the behavior, you’ve just got those issues running into the accountability wall–and then going… someplace. Probably toward another episode of acting out at some point. (In the 12-step world, it’s called being a “dry drunk”–I think we’ve got a bunch of those in the porn-recovery world.)
And it looks like you continuing to work on your own emotional processing, recognizing reality even when your husband doesn’t, and having healthy boundaries. I think especially since he’s been acting out with other people, it’s extremely important that you figure out what’s healthy for you, and hold to those boundaries with all your might! Here’s a recent article from Ella that I think is just brilliant.
Trust yourself. And trust that God has got you safe, no matter what happens in your marriage, or even if the marriage ends. As hard as that is, I believe it’s true. I’ve seen women come to health and healing, regardless of their husband’s repeated bad choices. Blessings, Kay
I love the way you respond to the comments!!
My 73 year old sa (!!) was in a facility for 90 days that kept me fully informed of progress and I had access to his therapist all the time. This, by the way, kept him honest. He is a charming lawyer, and has a way of twisting the truth to make himself look good, and this way, I had the opportunity to present my side.
When he left the facility, I allowed him, with boundaries, to return to the marital home. He seemed dead set on recovery and was enthusiastic and willing to discuss things with me.
He then began going to a CSAT counselor, a woman, who advised him that he was “entitled to privacy”, that I was trying to control his recovery by my desire to know what was going on in his recovery, and had the nerve to send home to me a pamphlet on anger management. Yes, I am angry and hurt, and when confronted with such ridiculous advice, I get upset. He has stopped talking about his recovery, allows me to know only when his 12 step meetings and therapy sessions occur, on her advice, and things have basically fallen apart. His addict behaviors have worsened, he has lost his humbleness and sorrow for my pain and unbelievably, left his “declaration” and assorted papers on the kitchen table as a, as he called it, “passive declaration”. Certainly no therapist advised him to do this, right? I feel that his therapist and he are lining up against me…him telling her lies and her agreeing and encouraging him.
I do not know what to do about this situation. I asked him to leave until he was ready, if ever, to actually work on a real recovery, which would include leaving this therapist (by the way, one boundary was that he sign a waiver allowing me access to his therapist, a boundary that was mandatory by the facility, and although I have that waiver, the therapist declines to talk to me).
I am beginning to believe there is an inappropriate relationship here. I did encourage him to return to the facility, but the therapist says it is not necessary. We are paying a great deal of money to this group, since he has two hour consults…
Of course, addicts lie, and this could all be untrue, but the therapist did decline to talk to me herself.
I am losing my husband of 20 years, apparently aided and abetted by a cerified sex addiction therpist. Is it possible an therapist would advise such hogwash? This is, on top of everything else, simply mindboggling.
Strange, yes?
I think the best evidence of recovery is the level of emotional intimacy and trust between the two of you. Whatever the ‘facts’ may be of what’s happening in therapy or with his behaviors, you can be confident of what you observe first-hand in your relationship together, regardless of how much or little information you’re allowed to have from this therapy.
Trust yourself here. You are a mature person with years of experience in dealing with this issue. You don’t need a therapist to tell you what’s happening, or to give you permission to set healthy boundaries for yourself. You are perfectly capable of seeing the truth and making healthy decisions.
Be strong and courageous. Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay. In the two weeks since I wrote this miserable comment, I have finally faced that I must let my husband go off to do whatever it is he will do, and finally, finally, five months after discovery, start on my own recovery. I spent so much time trying to manage him, and keep him on track, that I had not even looked at myself. It seems like a miracle, but after two weeks of Sanon and Al Anon meetings, finding a therapist who understands, some mild medication from my family doctor and a lot of writing and praying, I am “Letting Go and Letting God”, trying not to anticipate the troubles coming down the road, and have found just a little peace in my life.
Yes, I knew in my gut that all this was a path for him back to his addictions. But that is his problem. Right now, I am going to work on me and find some happiness and sanity.
Thank you for the website.
Wow, Dianne. Thank you for taking time to write back and share this! I keep saying these things to women, because I think they are true and helpful, but it’s always nice for me to hear good feedback! And I think it’s helpful for other women to hear things like this, too.
It’s so sad and hard to let go, especially when you can see how destructive the choices are–to you, to your marriage, to him. But there is a miraculous peace about it, too. Whatever he chooses, God has got you safe and there is healing for you.
Blessings and thank you again for letting us know! Kay
I am mystified by all the talk that goes on around what a husband or wife should or shouldn’t share in sex addiction recovery. Why is there not more talk around what a real recovery looks like. My ex husband looked so good on the outside….arrested for soliciting a 14 year old….priest and teacher, he seemed so happy to be found out…so glad to rid himself of the burden of this addiction. At first….ready to repent of an affair and this little online mishap. As I dug deeper, he had multiple women and men and conversations that were so dark and horrible. He never confessed….I had to dig for everything. Then once what he thought was most if it was out….he told me he was repetant. He was ready to rebuild our lovely 25 year marriage and take care of his lovely four daughters. He told me he confided everything to his counselor, his priest, and his sponsor. I found out none of that was true after he went to prison and after I read his journals. How is that codependent? I would still not know any of this had I not had the wisdom to realize that he was lying and covering up. That is not me not working on my side of the street. My side was clean. I was faithful and loving and ready to forgive. I was working hard to manage a household, work, keep girls from being further traumatized, and even working to learn my core issues and hurts. Why was he not held to a recovery system that demanded full disclosre? Why are the addicts given a free pass to “relapse” and continue to degrade and abuse their spouse with subtle little blaming tactics? Why are the sex addicts treated as if they really desire to change when all they desire is a return to normal so thy can then again build their little dark world? I only found out two years after that he hadn’t told the counselor everything. I still am told by him that a loving wife would have been able to forgive and move forward with his healing. I am told that relapses are normal….they are part of the healing. Like Hell they are! No one heals by further traumatizing their wife and trying to lead a double life again! Luckily my counselor is not one who said stay at all costs. He was wise and said…without true repentance and broken confession there is no hope…get out now! He didn’t give me the whole codependent model and how to stay on my side of the fence. He told me to see everything for what it really, really is. He said to see the facts. He told me to simply look at whether this man confessed freely and humbly….nothing else. And once I could clearly see that none of that was happening…all the addicts stories and attempts to look like recovery was happening became so clear and easy. No confession and broken repentance = no change. Half hearted recover, blaming or relapses or anything short….and you have a gas lighting…..manipulative…narcissistic liar! (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)
Recovery language can definitely be used to manipulate and twist reality. Any time it’s used to blame the spouse or to relieve the addict of responsibility, that’s a misuse. The 12 step system only works when each person takes responsibility for themselves; if you have one person who takes responsibility and the other blames and deflects and manipulates, then it won’t work.
I’m glad you found a wise counselor who could see past the manipulative language to the truth, and who was able to empower you to make healthy choices for yourself.
Blessings, Kay
You are amazing and strong and awesome! I love what you wrote. What an amazing person you are! Thank you!
You do write beautifully. & I love how you ask “Why are the addicts given a free pass to relapse and continue to degrade and abuse their spouse, with subtle little blaming tactics? ”
Man! I dont understand this either. My a is in school for drug & alcohol addiction & mejtal health. He also works @ a facility. He workd the 12 steos. But he says to me that he is learning how to handle couples because of the things ive shared with him. He also says that Im a special case. But I think there is way too much co-dependant talk going on. In my humble opinion, I feel more & more that they love to lable us codependent to take the spotlight off themselves. They don’t seem to understand how traumatic it is to discover your husbands addictions. I wish you to be able to find peace.
My story is a bit different …my husband isnt just an sa…hes an a. Yet I relate a ton to whats being said! Hopefully i find some understanding/support here. Everyone assumes you are codependent if married to an addict. My husband and I married 15years ago. We became friends while he was in rehab & married later after he was out. He was clean for 14 years from meth, maijuana, alcohol & porn. 12 years later he lost his job & developed back pain (he has arthritis up & down his spine)& started taking pain pills to keep working side jobs. Then got a job making hardly anything. We sold our dream home to help him finish school. He developed anxiety & depression. I was very sick pregnant with our 6th. Thats when I discovered he had been texting/ calling an x gf from hs & his meth days. He had been giving her emotional support & me nothing. My heart was broken. He had also looked @porn a few times. He had missed school “looking for cheap pills” We had no insurance…So I wasnt thinking it was an addiction. He had always been honest with me. I finally got an uneasy feeling about it & put my foot down & said im not ok with more cheap pills. But he snuck & I caught him so I left & he full-on relapsed that night. I chose to stay together as he had finally realized it was an addiction & also admitted to viewing porn like a bunch more times. I just couldnt believe he would do all this to me, to us! From the moment I found the texts & calls I have been told to get over it, let it go, move on, hes sorry. People have called me codependant & an enabler. It has made it so much harder. I didnt know it was an addiction! Also staying in my marriage while he worked & went to therapy, meetings …makes me codependent? Thats just mean! I think this is hard enough without being labeled. Are there things that I shouldnt do? yeah! But because I chose to stay with my husband while he struggled doesn’t make me sick. Hes clean 7 months now & is much more emotionally available &im a grateful wife!!
Yeah, I think codependency can be a helpful construct when we can look at ourselves and see areas where we may be caretaking to the detriment of our own sanity.
But it is often thrown onto people in blaming ways as well, as you describe. I hear that all the time from women who have had experiences like yours, and it makes me sad.
Ultimately, we are each responsible for our own choices. You don’t “make” him do anything. He’s got stuff, and he chooses addiction to take care of his stuff.
I hope that as his recovery progresses, you’ll get just as much help and support for your own healing as he does for his. If you can receive healing and health for yourself as he receives healing and health for himself, then codependency isn’t a real big deal in your life. Blessings, Kay
Hi all!
For a couple of months I’ve been together with this loving, caring person. Early on in our relationship he told me that he had problems with intimacy and letting other people into his life, but that he was really trying ot make an effort and asked me to be patient. Occasionally he would tell me bits and pieces like ‘having issues with sexuality‘ and in general just gave some very non-descript statements that left me confused – but I figured eventually he’d tell me what was troubling him.
Recently, he told me that he is a recovering sex addict, who has been attending meetings for over a year. Since I didn’t really have any understanding of sex addiction, I started researching. Obviously there were many aspects that scared the hell out of me and others that gave me hope, and after carefully evaluating what I want from life and where (and with whom) I see myself in a couple of years, I decided that there was no way I’d walk away from him and the relationship…
Lots of little bits of his behaviour (that I initially just regarded as little quirks) now make sense to me, and I am in awe of his bravery and trust by opening up to me about his addiction.
Anyway, I’ve been really struggling with what’s okay to ask about his recovery and the journey ahead of us (and yes, I guess I’ve been regarding this as OUR journey right from the start) and I am incredibly thankful for this article! I feel in no way able to identify with the co-dependant/addict concept and this article perfectly answers many of the questions I’ve been struggling with over the last couple of days.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ana123,
I was glad to see your post, because I am in a similar situation. I am with a man who was a sexual addict for 20 years and married and had children. He has been in full recovery for almost 6 years. He lost his marriage, but continue to do the hard work and seems to be healthy. I want to marry him because I love him and we have a great relationship, but I’m terrified also. I’m wondering if things are still going well with you, and I’m just not sure if I should take the risk. But six years does seem to be a good amount of time to have developed strategies and new patterns so… I’m vacillating between wanting to move forward with him and getting scared. Any advice?
Hi Joy,
Here are a couple of things I’d look at, beyond simply his addiction recovery, to consider how healthy he is overall these days.
1. Does he take responsbility for himself, or is there any blaming/excusing in his life? Not just around his addiction recovery, but in other areas as well. Does he take responsibility for himself physically (eating well, exercising)? Does he take responsibility for himself financially (living within his means, not in debt, works an adult job like an adult should)? Does he take responsibility for himself emotionally (healthy relationships, good boundaries)?
2. Is he able to connect with you emotionally? Does he notice how you are feeling? Does he listen and care about how you feel? Is he able to share his emotions with you?
The very best book I know about successful marriage relationships is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This is the absolute best research out there in the world today on what makes marriage work. It’s practical, full of quizzes you can take together, and has lots of reasonable suggestions about how to be stronger and better together. I’d say get a copy of that, and work through it together. That should give you a really solid idea of where the relationship is, and whether you’ve got a reasonable chance of success for the long haul.
Blessings, Kay
This is helpful. But I’m stuck on one part, and it’s the part I’m feeling most impacted by. The content of therapy, while for the most part, isn’t really something I’m curious about. But there are some topics of my significant other’s therapy sessions that I will truly need to know about to move forward and understand who my partner really is. Things about family of origin, or childhood trauma, or self-esteem issues…I know that’s regarded as confidential between counselor and patient, but I think I would struggle a great deal if I inquired about these things and my significant other refused to disclose them. I would feel like he’s still hiding, like he’s still not entirely open to me and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his whole self with me. It would see to me to be a partial marriage, to be uninformed about the underlying issues that may have influenced this addiction in the first place.
I agree with you! I’d want to know those things, too! (I’m a therapist, and a wife, both.)
Confidentiality is something the therapist has to keep. The client is free to say whatever he wants, and I think that the growing ability to be honest and vulnerable about those critical developmental issues that you mentioned is key to the emotional connection that marriage is really supposed to be about.
It’s not even so much about understanding the addiction and what drives it, (although that’s helpful) but understanding the person you’re married to, and being able to share the burden of pain that they may be carrying. I think that being a safe, loving harbor for one another is what marriage is all about at a deep level, and I’d want to see an increasing capacity for that over time. If that’s not happening, then I’d be curious about what dynamics are in play that make the relationship unsafe.
Where to start…
I was an addict up until Aug 2014.
Then the inevitable happened, my wife found a text and my entire world as I knew it completely imploded.
The gist of it was that I was seeing sex workers for 5 years. This started after the birth of our first child and continued during our second child and subsequent stopped after my wife found the text message and took the boys out of our family home.
I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but if anything the past 5 months of counseling and going to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) has taught me is that typically one becomes an addict due to a disturbing or psychological impact that has been inflicted on the individual that has never really been treated, typically during childhood. No I am not looking for pity, that is just generally the reality.
So why the response on this blog then?
Well when I realized I was an addict, I jumped onto the net to find out what the chances of my recovery were, I was completely naïve to this addiction…I was very shocked that 9 out of 10 blogs on most sites were by partners pleading for their addicts to take responsibility of their condition or that they had re-offended on many occasions and once an addict always an addict. I made a promise to myself that when I got to my stage of being strong enough to posting a blog and a better understanding of the addiction, then I would post a blog to say that recovery is achievable.
So hopefully this blog will provide hope for the addicts out there wanting to recover, if you have a desire and a will to fix yourself then in my humble opinion you have to stop the denial and get to the cause of the problem/trigger.
The 2nd and 3rd steps is to find a professional that can guide and support you through this process as well as going to some therapy groups like SAA.
From there the road to recovery will be long and bumpy but so much better than the alternate road which dark and lonely which only makes you feel worthless.
I have been 5 months “dry” now and I am fortunate I have got to the bottom of my issues, that is not to say that this has been easy on any of the family, I live with that shame daily but I will never take a backward step.
To the partners of addicts out there, I hope you can take something away from this especially in identifying if your addict has a desire to recover and be clean again, I wish you strength and will always be amazed by your empathy.
This is never easy on the victim, the addict or potentially new partner but everyone is entitled to one chance to make amends.
Peace
Hey, thank you so much for this. It sounds like you’re working your program and finding healing. We love to hear those kinds of stories! Recovery absolutely is possible. It’s a ton of hard work, but it can be done! Congratulations on your 5 months of sobriety, and may you continue to find hope and healing.