For Those Married to a Sex Addict
If you’re married to a sex addict, please note this article is addressed to your spouse. However, there’s a lot of helpful information here for a sex addict spouse as well. If your husband or wife is a sex addict, you may also want to check out these posts:
When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.
Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery.
But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Can you be in charge of your own recovery and help your wife feel safe at the same time?
You Might Have Received Some Bad Advice
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously, you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. Some of this guidance may have been conflicting. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts, and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help.
It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.)
Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry!” You might even be one of the guys saying this. How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame you, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. And what are these guys usually told? “This is about her, not you. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. She needs to work her program and let you work yours. Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given.
In the famous words of Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”
You Are Still the Problem
Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. You’re dealing with enough shame already.
But here’s the cold, harsh reality. You are the reason your wife is in pain. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exceptions, your actions are the primary reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you.
Don’t Neglect Your Marriage for the Sake of Your Recovery
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Consider this: Your actions put her where she is. Your story is now her story too. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Put yourself in her shoes. Her world has been turned upside down. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Of course not. But chances are that is what has happened.
My advice? Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. Should your individual recovery be a priority? Absolutely! Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? No. But some will tell you this. Some will tell you that is just too much. What do you think? Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery? Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust
But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive! I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances.
Letting Your Wife Into Your Recovery Process
So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group and being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery?
You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask. (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know:
- What happens in 12-step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group (I am not a fan of this practice)? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other guys? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?
- What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?
- Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?
- What is in that book (the green book or the white book…)? Can I look at it?
- What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What has he told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?
- What else are you doing for recovery?
- What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?
These are just a few examples. Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. Chances are she will be blown away.
If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. She has given you a gift. She is extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
A Sample Conversation
The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting. It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery. In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know. Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. But first, here is an example of how you can address some of the above questions:
“Honey, I have realized that you must feel pretty left out of my recovery. I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been for you. I don’t know how much you know about 12-step programs like the one I am involved in. I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are. I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He will be helping me work through the steps. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person. I am currently on step four and am finding it to be a struggle, but it is important to me so I am not giving up even though sometimes I feel tempted to. Fortunately, my sponsor is there to talk to me when I am feeling overwhelmed. Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery? I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. I know you have dealt with that enough.”
What Is Okay to Keep Private?
Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private. When I explain this to wives they are almost always very receptive and understanding about this:
- First, of course, the identity of those in your group. Be careful about even giving information that could clue her in to someone in the group. She might be in a support group with his wife. This is common.
- The specifics about what you talk about in group. This can be shared if you want, but you should never feel pressured to tell your wife what you shared in group. If she asks for this information, remember, she is just afraid. Explain gently that you need to feel safe to share openly and that you don’t want to hide anything from her. If she is struggling with this, suggest discussing it with a therapist. Above all else, be patient with her about these kinds of things.
- The specifics about what you talk about in therapy. You can tell her you are working on family-of-origin issues, self-esteem issues, or automatic thoughts, for example, without going into more detail than that. This is enough information for her to feel safe that you are working through the issues that contributed to your addiction. Remember, that’s what this is all about. She wants to know you are doing all you can do to keep from hurting her again.
Boundaries vs. Responsibilities
While it is okay for your wife to set a boundary that you get involved in a 12-step program and therapy (remember, this is about her feelings of safety, not control), you should be the one finding the therapist and meetings.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective.
Keep Trying
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Be prepared for things not to go as planned. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. She may refuse to listen. But you tried, and that’s what counts.
Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Consistency over time is what she needs to see. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder any effort you take to improve your marriage. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage. I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three-day intensive. Click here to learn more about what an intensive is and how it can help save your marriage.
I wish I had come across this article when it first came out. February 2015 will be 2 years since I discovered that my husband had been acting out for 15 years. Besides feeling like a fool for not suspecting, I still feel in limbo because he has not given me complete disclosure on the advice of his SA sponsor. I know only what I discovered and am still hurt that he firmly believes that this is in my “best interest” which, I don’t feel like that should be up to him to decide. He has been in active in SA, two meetings a week for 18 months. I still have so many questions but, I’m scared that disclosure at this point would put me back to square one with the that paralyzing pain but, now knowing is keeping me from being able to fully committ to trying to heal as a couple. We have been married 38 years and I don’t want to start all over at this point in my life but, I feel like its just disrespectful to keep me in the dark about all the things he was doing over the years behind my back. After all the time he has been working his “recovery” I don’t feel like there has been any true healing for us as a couple because there are still secrets and, I’ve had enough of those to last me a life time. I’ve read multiple books and continue to google certain key words after all this time because, my heart knows something is missing and I can’t build any trust on things that I don’t know.
Yeah, I have a hard time understanding the perspective that you’re not allowed to know things. I’m a counselor, and in my world, I like to have everything on the table. Not so you can control every little thing, but so that you can make informed decisions about appropriate boundaries for yourself. You are the person who gets to decide what’s in your own best interest! That’s not up to your husband or his sponsor. That’s up to you.
I do think that sometimes addicts become highly devoted to their particular system of recovery. I see this quite a bit with 12-step models. The system takes precedence over relationships, and in that way it can be a lot like another addiction. One of the foundational rights of clients in therapy is to be satisfied with the therapy, and if it’s not working for you, it’s not the right model. It’s that thing Jesus said, that Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath! The recovery system has to serve the client. Sometimes I think 12-steppers lose sight of that. You just have to watch that and see how it goes.
I would say maybe you’d benefit from counseling for yourself, so you can work on healing and boundaries, even if that has to come without the information and the restored trust you’re hoping for. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to check for someone in your area.
I wonder too if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? That might give you some ideas on how other women have handled boundaries in similar circumstances.
Let me know what you think. Kay
I understand where you are at. This September will be 2 years since my initial disclosure. Then I lived with 8 months of staggered disclosure. I am one that needed to know everything. Every woman, every porn site, Craigslist’s everything. We have been to many counselor’ s and groups. Bottom line is “In order to move forward in an honest relationship after being lied to for 25 years, you must be honest” So as painful as the disclosures were I needed toknow. Most people in my shoes went thru lie detector tests. That I am sorry I did not. Today we are together, he’s in recovery. I don’t completely trust him. I am permitted to check his computer’s history, emails and phone. We will be married for 38 years. I am looking forward to a new marriage based on honesty and open communication.
We are continuing in marriage counseling and my husband attends a weekly SAA group along with a therapist. We both want this to work.
Desicrated (excellent word for how we feel): I am married 37 yrs so I understand your need to “stay put”in your marriage, unless you are being physically threatened. My husband and I are financially unable to live separately. Under stress, we live on separate floors. Anyway, if you can get your hands on “The white book” of SA, you will discover that you have every right to your husband’s SA history. I think a large part of me died the day of my husband’s “disclosure”. He felt overwhelmed by his compulsion for masturbation with porn. So I heard it all. Including his fantasies @ his prostitute when he and I first began “making out”.After 12 yrs of sex refusal ( “high dose of anti-depressant gives me no interest” while he is having multiple orgasms with porn, at nite) My point is to try to have a sex therapist present. I felt totally ambushed. They love their fantasies, so I heard reveries of what he thought about during our love-making (not always sex); his whore and his porn. Then he argues that I made him tell me. I felt desicated.
I know exactly how you feel…I have just ended a 25 year marriage due to the continual lies, gas lighting, anger etc…
I wish I would have left decades ago. I supported him initially when he was remoresful but now he has turned into a monster.
I have literally watched my husband change into someone I no longer recognize. He lies to me , the therapist, the pastor and to everyone. He can sneak around the filter when he has it and hide files deep in his computer (which i did find)..
Keeping up a good reputation at church is his number one goal. He plays on the worship team and leads mens Bible Studies.
He will blast sermons on utube as if to prove he is a godly man. Yet he will scream at me, criticize me, and twist my words around. I am finished.
Gail,
I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through, and so grateful for your courage and strength in setting boundaries. Thank you for sharing your story here, and may it inspire courage in others!
Kay
I have just gone thought the disclosure process. This is the second time there has been countless affairs. This second time I caught him is now over 10 months ago. He went into therapy in June. And this disclosure process just happened the other day not because the therapist were sensitive to how excruciating it was for me to continue to live with not knowing but I finally said I would not wait anymore for this process to happen. I spoke briefly with my husband today and said that one of the things I felt was that for the past 6 months he has been in therapy every time he held my hand or taken affection from me that he was being deceptive and he took something from me that he did not own. The question I thought of was. Would my wife kiss me or hold my hand or what ever if she knew all of the details. The ability to answer that question for myself was taken from me. I talked to one of the therapists from the disclosure process today and said that them prolonging this for 6 months has done me more damage. Now I am not suppose to talk with my husband about anything he said because I have to wait who knows how long to give him my impact statement. Does any of this sound right to you? I feel it is all keeping me in a state of trauma.
Hey Tamara. Thanks for writing in. I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor, so let me address this from a professional perspective. Part of a standard client bill of rights should always include the idea that you have the right to be informed, satisfied, and involved with treatment planning; you have the right of informed refusal and an expression of choice in treatment. In other words, if you don’t like what’s going on, you can refuse that particular treatment. If you feel that you’re being further traumatized by the treatment plan and/or its execution, you have the right to pick yourself up and LEAVE. You are NOT required to participate in ANYTHING that feels wrong, uncomfortable, or just plain stupid to you. There are lots of different ways to treat addiction, lots of different ways that people experience recovery. If this particular method does not work for you, get out of it. YOU GET TO CHOOSE!
I agree that it sounds like this particular treatment plan is more about the plan than it is about your recovery, and you’re not being informed of important pieces of information which would allow you to make clear choices for yourself.
I’d say that at this point in the process, the most important thing would be for you to find a therapist who is helpful TO YOU. I’d check the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area. Call up a counselor or two, give them the synopsis above, and see how they respond. I think you’ll be looking for someone who’s more about emotional support, helping you discover your own boundaries, assisting you to process pain, etc., rather than someone who’s got a sure-fire program that’s proven to fix everything. That is way too often about somebody loving their method more than their client.
Let me know what you think– Kay
Tamara, this is awful. I wish your story was the exception to the rule, but I hear this kind of thing all too often. Your last sentence is accurate. This IS keeping you in a state of trauma. It is not okay. Partners of sex addicts should not be forced to wait several months for a clinical disclosure! Email me if you’d like to chat about this a little more.
The biggest problem I’m having at the moment is how to act. I am putting my foot down over all if this codependent nonsense- I’m positive that that CAN be an issue, but it does not apply here. At any rate, prior to discovery my SA and I had an amazing marriage- plenty of quality time doing things we both enjoyed, plenty of touching/hugging/kissing, a fantastic sex life… I want that back! I obviously don’t fully trust my SA, but I’m a person too and I don’t want to suffer any more than I already have! Because I don’t deserve to! How does the spouse of an SA move forward in this situation?! Where does the intimacy come back in? We had it during his extracurricular activities, so the lack of it didn’t play a role. Anyway, I see tons and tons of posts on being the spouse of a SA but not one of them I’ve seen has touched on this subject- your post seemed the most question friendly, so here I am :) Thank you for your words and (hopefully) suggestions.
Hey Clarissa, I think I’m hearing a couple of questions here. When can I trust him again? How do we get our sex life back?
Let me address the trust question, because I think that’s foundational to the question of having a good sex life again. Here’s an article I wrote just recently about restoring trust. The thing I’ve found is that trust is about more than just good behavior. Of course we want healthy choices and good behavior from our spouses! But the emotional attentiveness is really what builds back the deep intimate trust in the marriage. (There’s a video included with that article that explains it really well!)
Once you’ve got the trust element going–behaviorally and emotionally–then I find that the sexual intimacy generally follows pretty naturally. Of course, if you’re spending a lot of time being angry and punishing, then it won’t work so well! So I do think that forgiveness plays a role as well.
But again, trust is the foundation. I don’t think you’re going to have a good sex life again until you’ve got that trust back in place. It may take time for him to do his part, and for you to heal and feel safe again sexually.
And the reality is, it IS a loss for you. Sexual intimacy IS something he really is supposed to be bringing to you, and only to you. So he really does have to change and there really is something here you’ll need to forgive and heal from. It’s a real wound, so I don’t expect that to just be gone over night. Hopefully, though, you’ll be in a process of healing and finding your way back to real intimacy in every way.
Let me know what you think! Kay
Clarissa, I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this. There are so many factors involved and I don’t know the details of your story, but in most cases where the husband is in recovery and no longer acting out, I feel comfortable telling women that whether they have sex with him is completely up to them and what they feel comfortable with. I partially disagree with the statement one person said about how there must be trust in order to have intimacy. That might sound strange, but in my experience, once trust has been broken it takes much longer to rebuild than many other aspects of the relationship. Now, trusting the intent of your husband’s heart, that’s different. I do agree that this must be present in order for intimacy (sexual or otherwise) to be present.
Hi all
Coming in at the tail end but I would just like to affirm what I have learnt from experience, recovered/recovering porn addiction and a Christian counselor dealing specifically with sexual brokenness and addiction, there is no “one size fits all” solution, no guarantees and no way anyone can take responsibility for another’s life, whether good or bad.
Did I often revert to porn to escape the feelings of failure I experienced whenever my wife was unhappy? Yes, but if that meant that I could not stop watching porn untill she stopped being unhappy then I would have been lost. The hard lesson we both learnt through the pain of my addiction was that untill such time as the individual becomes willing to let go of the other and centre on self, take responsibility for self, there can be no true life. As long as you are labouring under the illusion that you are unhappy because of someone else you are and always will be a victim of the behaviour and percieved intent of others. And before I get my head handed to me on a platter, lets not confuse being hurt, an event, with being unhappy, a state of being. Did I hurt my wife and she me? Unfortunately, YES! But it is how we respond to the hurt that determines whether or not hurt becomes unhappiness, a state of being in which we believe ourselves to be powerless victims.
What those choices are will vary from person to person and cannot be imposed by another.
Thank you Kay for your response. Yes, I agree with you about the definition of the heart condition. That is super good. I think what I was trying to express, if we are going to use that same example. Is that the person with the heart condition like you said stays in bed and does not do the work that is healthy for them. That you are not feeding them or carrying out their bed pan but they keep up with that behavior and someone says that you must somehow been doing those things. I think what I maybe was attempting to say but not well was trying to express is that it feels hurtful to be labled. As you can see I have an aversion to the word codependant. I feel as though it is a term that can be to easly placed upon someone. Thank you for sharing your experience of know there is progress when you see a capasity to turn toward emotion. Yes, that totally makes sence and healthy boundies are imperitive and something I work to put in place for myself.
I’m glad that helped, Mary. I know certain words can become really loaded and unhelpful. The main thing is that the person with the addiction takes responsibility for it, and the other person maintains healthy boundaries–which can look so different for different people.
I have to agree I am very uncomfortable with the label of being co dependent or a co addicted. I think not being affected in some way is totally impossible but that does not make me sick. I would think it would be quite unhealthy if I was not affected or traumatized by what I have been through. I agree, and I totally resonate with what was written in the article. In my relationship, it has felt like a game of hide and seek. In the past if I did not ask questions about what was going on or behavior it seemed there was no responsibility taken by the SA that they needed to tell me. A great deal of my trusting him again has to do with; is he being forth coming with me or am I still having to ask questions. I am tired from asking questions. I agree that those in relationships with addicts do not want to stay stuck in trauma (yes I know there are always exceptions to the rule). But, for me having to ask questions is triggering, as there is some part of me that says I’m not sure of things because I did not ask the right questions. That is a behavior that I find unhealthy not codependent. Since a whole and healthy relationship should not be a game of hide and seek. Part of the issue I have found about being with an addict is that there is little room for the person with them to have space for feeling or emotions about how they are feeling. (Especially if they are big feelings). This is trauma that we have gone through. Trauma is not something people walk quickly. Nor is it usually something pretty or tidy if you witness it. Everyone is different (I have worked with people who have endured great trauma) and I guess this is why it does not sit well with me that anyone would label me. I did not ask to be here, so I feel offended (not defensive) when someone labels me a somehow sick. It is like being with someone who had a heart attack. Would you say that I have now been diagnosed with some sort of heart condition?
I think that each individual relationship is different. For some, codependency is a huge problem, especially if the patterns have continued over a long period of time. Others are able to have healthy boundaries with relative ease. I think the main thing is that the person who has the problem deals with their problem. If there is little room for you to have space for your emotions, then I’d say you need to find a safe, healthy space for you to have those emotions–a support group, a therapist. That would actually be a step away from any existing codependency, toward healthy self-care.
I would expect that as the addict deals with his addiction, there should be a growing, nurturing space for your experience and emotions. He should have a growing capacity to recognize his own failings and to make amends, as the 12 steps says. Part of making amends is making space for your experience and emotions. If there’s never any space for you, then I question whether he’s progressing in recovery. In fact, for me, my husband’s capacity to turn toward me emotionally (not just about my feelings re: porn, but his ability to attend emotionally in general) is a bigger indicator to me of his progress in recovery than the behavior he may or may not report to me. Does that make sense? Here’s a bit more I wrote about that idea of “turning toward” the other day.
And as to your question about heart attack. I think the theory behind codependency would work like this. If the person with the heart attack stayed in bed for the rest of his life, without doing his job to get treatment, and you kept feeding him there and carrying out his bed pan, then you’d be codependent. Of course you don’t have a heart condition, but your life is being controlled by the heart condition anyway.
That’s a question we can only answer for ourselves: is that person taking responsibility for himself, or am I? Where are my boundaries? Are my boundaries healthy and adequate?
WHEN the SA “my husbAnd ” puts my life in danger of SDs and HIV bringing up the problem is not a problem especially when all addicts have more of a probability of falling of the sober wagon… Everytime he did what he did meaning acting out without protection he put my life on the line !!! And another slip up from a SA can mean a couples last…. So pardon me if I feel the need to protect my life if you who feel bringing up the problem is a problem in recovery!!!! It’s no joke and nothing to baby him for or take lightly .
Hey E, I hope you feel supported here to have the boundaries that you feel are appropriate in your situation. I agree with you that your safety must be paramount. I do think that as a wife, you should be able to have conversations about how his recovery is going. In fact, the inability to have those conversations would be a real red flag for me, both personally and professionally. I think that couples often have to grow into the ability to say and hear the hard things, but it can be done. I think that addicts don’t like to tell the truth sometimes because it will result in boundaries they don’t want to deal with, and that makes me, like you, leery of the idea that we can’t talk about the problems. I think that as acting out escalates, then the need for detail increases as well. You need to know what you’re dealing with, to be safe, to have good boundaries, to make good choices for yourself.
Thank you for your article. However, I want to speak up for those of us on the other side of the fence. There is a large and increasing body of *women* who struggle with sex addiction, including the use of porn, and therefore, a large and growing body of *men* in support positions. since most articles and books written on this subject only describe male addicts with female partners, those in the opposite position feel even more shame and marginalization. It can make female addicts afraid to seek out recovery communities, and their partners reluctant to join co-support groups because of the stigma. Please consider re-wording your future pieces to include *all* addicts and their companions. We don’t need any more emotional hurdles. Thank you. P.S. My blog is available as a resource for men and women in the situation I’m describing. Thanks.
Thanks for your comment, Sonora Hope. Yes, this an increasing problem in our society. We have a whole section on our blog about that topic, covering a broad host of issues from parenting to marriage to singleness to addiction. One of our regular authors chiefly writes on that subject. Our last webinar focused on that subject exclusively.
As you can imagine, we target each of our articles to specific audiences. Sometimes to men, sometimes to women, sometimes to counselors or pastors, sometimes to teens. We don’t want to mix our audiences if we don’t have to. Just as we don’t tend to write about male addicts in our articles to women, we also don’t write about female addicts in our articles to men. We have some other articles that are directed to both genders purposefully.
I read this article (and others like these) with an open mind initially. But once I discovered that my husband’s addiction had progressed to viewing child pornography, I closed the door on reconciliation.
That’s a tough one. Wow. I’m almost without words. We have some who’ve written on this blog about that very subject. I recommend listening to this interview I did with a man, his wife, and his counselor.
All,
This was a great article-sent to me by my wife with the comment, “Honey, I’m so glad that you communicate with me better than most…” The statement by my wife is a real testament to me of the fact that I have made real progress in my recovery because It has been a monumental struggle for me to foresee any good coming from openness about the things that my mind and body are capable of. I was so imprisoned by shame and guilt that the freedom of openness and honesty were mere unproven theories to me. Likewise, it is also a testament to the same for her since it is largely due to her willingness to both give the space needed and at the same time not be afraid to discuss her apprehension to trust me after I have been so irresponsible with her trust in the past. It is very difficult for an addict laden with shame and guilt to make progress while disclosing details of what is going on in meetings and in therapy. In most cases, the very shame and guilt faced by the prospect of revealing these things are the most potent fuel for the addiction in the first place-so to deem it necessary before the addict has made a certain amount of progress to save the marriage is to take a hard stance that can cripple the recovery and without recovery, the marriage is a moot point. I have to say that openness and willingness to share about these things should be considered as more a result of good honest recovery than a prescription for saving a marriage or relationship. It is the prolonged lack of this openness that cause the spouse/partner (already reeling from discovery) to become more and more obsessed with it. Both parties need some wiggle room and need to be willing to give some wiggle room in this regard and neither party likes to hear it. In the beginning, I tried to follow the advice that My recovery is my business and ran into many problems because the inhibitions and aversions which I had not yet resolved were exasperated by the prospect of having to tell my wife. It is easy for a non-addict to assume that it is possible to just talk about whatever was said or discussed or to tell about the fact that you can’t stop looking at attractive women because logically, it makes sense that since the wife/partner already knows about the addiction, there’s no real risk. In theory, this is true. However one over-reaction or expression of anger after one such disclosure can be a huge set-back. Regarding my own wife: Yes, she was engaging in some unhealthy behaviors stemming from the pain of my betrayals. Yes, she did some things that made my recovery more difficult. Yes she had issues before we met and those issues made it easier for me with all of mine to continue and flourish in my addiction. However, It was only after my full disclosure and humoring her at times when she may have been wanting to know more than what I felt may have been healthy, and after her willingness to give me some space despite her fear of being hurt yet again, that we have been able to say things like her comment to me at the beginning of this post. We have not committed to remaining married but are committed to giving our marriage the best chance possible by being as open and intimate as it takes. Gallons of tears have been shed by both of us and on the flip side, we have both expressed feeling joy and intimacy like never before. I can honestly say that the joy and intimacy are directly proportional to the degree that we both have worked and that if either of us lapses or reverts into isolation, the relationship becomes stressed. Great points have been made in this discussion from both points of view. It is clear to me that every individual is different and there are millions of combinations of assessing who should be doing what. Generalizations should never be taken as advice or used to judge one’s own progress. Thanks so much for opening this debate.
Thanks for sharing. You testimony, in many ways, affirms what Ella is talking about.