Trigger Warning: This post talks about lesbian porn addiction and may be triggering to some. If you feel that this is a triggering topic for you, I would encourage you to read with caution—or not read at all.
I will never forget the day I confessed to my husband that I was not only watching porn, but I was watching lesbian porn. Despite the shame and guilt I felt, I did not know how to stop.
When I was younger, I became emotionally enmeshed and later sexually involved with another girl my age. I also dabbled in porn. I found myself drawn to the women in porn, but I didn’t think much of it. At such a young age, I never considered how those decisions could affect my heart, and I certainly never thought they would follow me into my future.
My husband and I were married for two years when I gave birth to our first child. This was a planned and welcomed pregnancy, and everything went well throughout my entire pregnancy until I had an unexpected c-section the week before I was due. I was planning to have a natural childbirth, so not being able to experience any part of the labor process left me feeling hollow.
After my son was born, my sense of grief did not lift. It was if all of the issues I had never dealt with from my past started bursting up to the surface of my heart. I struggled with undiagnosed post-partum depression, and several months went by before I sought help.
During this time, I did what I thought I would never do. I started watching porn again.
Why Lesbian Porn?
At first, it was a welcomed escape, allowing me to temporarily numb the pain in my heart that I didn’t know what to do with.
I really had no interest in the violent porn I saw involving men and women. Rather, seeing two women together piqued my interest. It seemed much more sensual and intimate and reminded me of the relationship I had long ago.
My curiosity of seeing two women together snowballed when I started watching lesbian porn.
I soon found myself completely enticed, and I started continually fantasizing about being with another woman. I felt incredible shame. I was not only married to a man I loved very much, but I had given my life to Christ several years earlier. How could this happen? I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I felt so confused.
The Confession the Residual Fantasies
I eventually confessed this to my husband, and we started down the long road of healing. God started to heal my heart as I surrendered everything to Him again, and I eventually broke free from watching pornography. The fantasies I had of women remained to be a struggle for a long time, though. I had no idea how much I lived in a fantasy world until I tried to stop.
Related: What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You
I experienced such regret for the lasting effects it was having on my mind, heart and marriage. Long after I stopped watching porn, I still could not erase the images from my mind. I felt like I was not only betraying my husband, but I was betraying God.
It was very difficult for me to talk to God about the fantasies I continually had about being with another woman. I pleaded with God to take it all away. I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted, but I didn’t know how to reset my brain to the way it was before. I felt incredible shame for what I had let spiral out of control, and talking to God about it was nothing short of mortifying.
Sexual Identity: Is This Just Who I Am?
The purpose of my article is not to defend whether or not homosexual behavior is sinful. That’s another article for another time. Rather, my goal is to lift the silence about something many women experience while watching pornography.
As I started to minister to women who struggled with porn a few years later, I was surprised to discover that many other women found themselves drawn to women in porn, even if they did not necessarily identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual.
What starts out as curiosity with lesbian porn can eventually escalate into a struggle with one’s sexual identity.
Certainly not all women who see lesbian porn are drawn to it, but for many, this becomes a stepping stone to questioning their sexual orientation. Like all porn, viewing something repeatedly trains our brain to go back to the same source for more. For the Christian woman who is not only caught in the web of porn, but also finds herself attracted to the women in it, this can cause quite an internal conflict.
Joe Dallas concurs:
“If a person realizes he’s homosexual and has no moral or religious objections to it, then he’ll probably choose to express his desires, adopt a gay identity, and move on in life. But when sexual orientation clashes with world view—as is often the case when a Christian realizes his sexual feelings are at odds with his faith—then hard choices have to be made.”
Plainly put, if I’m attracted to the same sex, yet believe that expressing those attractions is wrong, then I won’t view the attractions as “just a part of who I am.” I’ll see them as a problem to be resolved. And, more often than not, I’ll want to discuss that problem with someone who shares my beliefs, understands the issues involved, and can help me explore and pursue options I can in good conscience live with.
One woman recently told me she was exposed to porn at a young age, and the scene of two women together never left her mind. Seeing this deeply affected her sexual identity. “From then on I was attracted to women, and I was drawn to pornography,” she said. The graphic sexual scene of two women together changed the way she viewed women. This created a great conflict for her, because she believes God did not originally create her this way.
Related: Silence: The Sound of Female Sexual Shame
Another young woman wrote to me, saying that she has always hoped to marry a man someday, but she has dwelled on and fed her attraction to women for so long that she doesn’t know how to go back.
The shame and secrecy from same-sex attractions that are often times fueled by pornography cause many women to hide in shame and despair. Many do not even find themselves attracted to women in their day-to-day life but continue to be drawn to lesbian porn and the fantasies that go with it.
Getting Honest
I recognize this deeply-layered struggle. I have lived it, but I also know there is so much hope.
Confessing my sin and struggles was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also the most freeing. I started discovering hope when I finally confessed what I was struggling with, allowing healing to begin.
God has healed my heart in many ways over the last several years, and the intimacy I craved so deeply I finally found with Him. I had to come to a place of seeking Him first, deciding to love and obey Him whether or not He ever restored my sexuality to the way it once was.
As I slowly developed an intimate relationship with Him, and as He slowly began the process of healing my heart, the sexual images in my mind became less and less appealing. Today He continues to heal my heart, and I will always be grateful for the love and grace He has shown me countless times.
If you are a woman who struggles with watching lesbian porn, I encourage you to find someone you trust to confess this to.
Related: Where to Find the Boldness to Share Your Porn Secret
I recognize the challenge of telling another woman you struggle with watching lesbian porn. For me, I found it much easier to talk with a woman who was several years older than I was. It was much easier for me to be transparent with her.
If you do not know of anyone who you can tell, pray that God would show you who you can talk to. He loves you so very much! Take a deep breath and grab ahold of His hand for help. He will take you on an amazing journey. The hope, joy and healing you will find along the way will be worth it.
SaveSave
Idk how to tell you this Amy but you’re bisexual babe. And the good news is that you can love God, and be open to His blessings and His message, while still being bisexual. The only “worldview” you need to be worried about is the manmade one where you think people cannot be or feel worthy of a life in Christ if they’re gay. The shame and torment you feel from your attraction to women is your own, it is a worldly product put into your head by imperfect humans, and it is not of a perfect God. For what it’s worth, Jesus was asexual. And what a gift we have in an LGBT savior.
Typical supression and homophobia from male patriarchal christianity. Sex is for the man you are here to serve. You were already attracted to and intimate with women before porn, so porn is not the issue. While I commend your healing journey from trauma, your lifelong guilt trips from a punisher God will do just as much harm. If God hates beautiful women he should have made them butt ugly and never created sex to begin with if he’s so pissed about it. I hope you can leave these abusive churches of fear, control, and domination and find true freedom.
Amen! 😉
Thank you for posting Amy! I have as well struggled with this addiction. It started when I was 14 in highschool and barely stopped a few months ago because I cut it out of my life. I was addicted to it so much I just wanted more and more if it. I would look up anything that was associated with lesbians which include naked pictures of woman, videos, gifs, cartoons, etc. etc. I never knew this was something bad until I confessed to my older sister and boyfriend. My boyfriend did not take it well he assumed I was bi or lesbian and it destroyed me. I started overthinking and believing I was because I mean look at my actions. However not once did I act in reality where I would attempt to be with a woman. I never questioned my sexuality not once. The thought of being bi or lesbian scares me and makes me paranoid. I do not want myself to be with a woman even if I was sexually attracted to them. I was only attracted to videos and anything online. But once I was done I felt shameful or grossed out at times. I have been overthinking for the past few weeks of my sexuality and I don’t want to be bi or lesbian. I don’t want to take actions on my past life. I want to be freed from all this.
Thank you so very much for this, Amy!! Reading through this, I saw myself in a lot of the struggles you faced…I struggle with pornography and it’s usually either lesbian porn or even crossdressers or transvestites…it’s a painful and humiliating addiction that I face even now…but your article has showed be that even someone who fights tooth and nail yet still struggles against sin can always turn away for good and truly follow and honor God through your sexuality and through your purity. God bless you, Amy, God bless your husband, and God bless your children as well! ☺️☺️
I have the same problem. I thought I was the only one with this. I do it when I’m bored or when my husband doesn’t want to have sex. I would never be intimate with a female. But I find myself watching lesbian porn. Please pray for me so this can stop being a habit
Marcela,
I am praying for you! Do you have someone in your life to hold you accountable to ending this habit? If not, seek out a trusted friend, relative, mentor, church leader—anyone who will walk with you on the path towards integrity. And, if you’re not using Covenant Eyes, I would highly recommend it as a tool to hold you accountable to what you view online and offline.
Blessings!
Moriah
I’m so grateful to see this. Just knowing I’m not alone gives me hope. I’m so grateful for each woman who posted here.
For me all of this started a few years ago. With a boyfriend who was into it. I slowly found myself watching alone. Always so convicted and disgusted after, but I just couldn’t shake it. Last year I found myself intrigued with a girl I met. I wasn’t sexually attracted to her, but something about her would make me think of the lesbian porn videos. I cut off all contact with her, then later found out she was a lesbian. This was scary because it made me start to question my sexuality, even though I have never been attracted to women. I since have been working hard to be free of this. It’s just heart breaking to go so long… months without watching or even thinking of it…the just randomly fall. I just want to be free of this.
Women are more susceptible towards social engineering and subliminal brain washing. Media itself is a tool for perception management the very frequency of it porn or otherwise is meant to tune the brain into a alpha state of hypnosis we are bombarded with it continuesly. Porn was meant to distract and take nature into a state of corruption men overwhelmingly have this issue. And women have followed in recent decades Feminism and the societal encouragement to destroy the order of family and monogamous relationships in the name of sexual liberation has taken hold. Every form of deviance has taken hold western civilization is dying for that and one of many reasons.
Thank u for posting this. I too am married and have a toddler…I’ve always struggled in some way with my attraction to women…it comes and goes…recently it has come back out of nowhere and I’ve been drawn to porn like a moth to a flame…I didn’t grow up with my mom or dad so I think the rejection and low self esteem and me craving that mothers touch or love has translated somehow in my need to see intimacy. Women feel safe to me and emotionally in tune…I’m dealing with a husband who can be oblivious at times and I find myself fantasizing about being with a woman…I know this is wrong according to the word of God but this is a major stronghold in my life. Please pray for my internal healing and deliverance from these perverted thoughts. Thank u
I have a similar story. It would come back after months of nothing, no desire. But every time it was because I was not reading the Word or spending time with God. I was listening to music that was not edifying. Filling my spirit with worthless things. God says delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. So start there, delight yourself in Him. Also, please tell someone you trust, that can keep you accountable. I hope all is well with you. I just realized your post is old, so I hope that the Lord has answered you, and if you are still having difficulty be of Good cheer for the Lord has overcome the world.
Hello, I want to confess that I am a christian woman who occasionally watches pornography. And it’s usually lesbian pornography. I am deeply grieved by this but I believe in everything that your wrote of the road to freedom. I have never been attracted to women in my day to day life, no have I imagined myself practicing homosexuality. I am ready to be rid of this habit. It comes during stress like you mentioned, and I don’t have many moments when I submit to those desires. But when it does happen it is gut wrenching and almost debilitating. I hate it, I know it is lust and terrible. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you for speaking up! I know I am free, and I want to say today that I will NEVER turn back.